How to Speak Your Child’s Love Language (Part 2 of 2)

And every child is an emotional love tying the love tank is full. The child grows up emotionally helping the love tank is empty and the child feels like they don't want me Dr. Gary Chapman was our guest last time on Focus on the Family talking about the need that every child has to feel loved and wanted to continue the conversation with him today about five love languages of children and your hostess focus president Dr. Jim Daly I'm John Fuller and were also joined Jim by your dear wife, it's always good to have Jean in here. I John.

Every parent has the interesting challenge of discovering the right language and you and obviously to communicate their hopefully close to unconditional love to their child. It's so important that children feel loved by their parents, but it can be stressful to do that at times because you're not always getting the response maybe have that sassy child that you don't really feel like being unconditionally loving toward did you ever had that experience just to that strong-willed kid but today were to talk again with Gary Chapman, Dr. Gary Chapman the conversation last time was good.

I think it was engaging and I would just encourage parents. This is parenting 101. I so wish that Jean and I would locked into this earlier than we did.

So that's why your focus. We wanted to bring Gary to you to make sure that you're applying these principles of the love languages and raising your kids and if your grandparent get this for your adult child dear son or daughter who is raising those beautiful grandchildren, but it is a great way to to really lay the bedrock for parenting so Gary and Jean, welcome back. Thank you is so good to have you. Thank you.

It's great to be back. It is, and Gary, let me pick up from last time we covered the first two love languages physical touching words of affirmation the next three� Start with quality time. What does that communicate to a child and again I think this is one where I can fumble about so you can chastise me a lot of the times are talked about the lot of dad's bright struggle yeah yeah quality time is giving the child your undivided attention. Yeah, that's the problem. In today's world we are multitaskers you know so okay your kids talking to you in your own your computer are your reading a magazine in your listening but did they don't have your full attention and that's not quality time and so the child feels like something on his computer is more important than I am. Are if you're talking to a child and having a conversation and your phone rings and you answer your phone again to that trial, it says somebody out there is more important than I am not understand some people have to be on duty. You know medical doctors in all so you decided it's up, honey. This is an emergency, but stay right here. I want to finish our conversation. When you let them know that they have your full attention.

That's at the heart of quality time not unite Kenneth through ads on the fire there but Jean, let me ask you to as a busy mom, you know, some moms are working outside the home. There certainly working inside the home and years spent and yet you know you kids need quality time has that resonate free as a busy mom yes well let's face it, there are not enough hours in the day when you have children in the home to get everything done. So we have to prioritize our time and I found you know you just have to come up with creative ways in and that's why broadcasts like this in Dr. Chapman's book. We have all these helpful resources to find creative ways to spend time with your kids. I can remember as when Trent was young he loved playing talking toys and the action here and interact with each other and really one day I want to start the clock I would've said I was spending 20 minutes with him every time I did that I watch the clock one day. One time it was three minutes but it was and not it felt like 20 but it was it was in knots but I think also finding finding ways to do things that you want to do as well with their child may be spending time reading a bedtime story to gather or rubbing their back at night. Now I was thinking that spending time in the car counted as quality time doctors have an MRI taken me so that she can hear what you do.

Driving the car, but if there's conversation going on its quality well and and you've mentioned to and with that time in the car with your children not asking questions that can be answered with a yes or no. So open ended questions or questions that Kimmy answered with fine but I use that time in the car.

She's a good student who tried to dry out at some conversation and then get into the world a little bit elaborate on that and defined that if a conversation is important is only one knuckle dialect because it because you say could be playing a game with them together. I still have your full attention. But remember, for example, the child brings home a piece of art school and the parents is all that's nice that's beautiful.

You did a good job with that. No conversation. That's a monologue that's affirming words that was fine. But that's not quality time but if after saying that the mom says to the child while you thinking about when you do that so I was thinking without a grandmother's house and remember we had a picnic outside under the oak tree and this was the dog. Remember he ate my hotdog and I like him but I like him now and now yeah now you're having conversation. What did you feel like you know when you are writing so it's not just giving affirming words.

This is were words of affirmation and quality time differ quality time and doesn't have to be a long time.

You mention it could be a brief time. For example, mothers fixing potato salad in the five euros and mommy can we play we play mommy. She's a honey, I gotta finish the potato salad and into manage their back your play. Now Monica played now this goes on to three times that child's language is quality time there begging you for it right so if you know that one I give them five minutes before you start the potato salad with five minutes of quality time with them and then you say now honey. Moms gotta go make the potato salad for supper so you yeah I got better I go to Cosco what you think about bringing the child into helping make the potato salad that's in active service. Teaching them how to do something.

Yeah that's good that could cost more time and they will not do it the way one man is just and on the floor I to do that with the boys invited the help you can be really challenging parents. The dishes are going to be put away. The way you want them to her loaded the dishwasher the way you want Terry right things are going to look the way that you intend there, but it is also teaching your kids you hear the distinction of being for child with quality time you're dialing it to them and what they're feeling as they do something or express something no one thing again. I'll pull toward the bad side with quality time.

Hey, let's watch the football game and they really don't want to do that. I noticed yeah Troy is just coming around.

19 now where you will sit and watch a bit of a game with me, but it's never the whole game and one on some ideas to speak. Quality time you have to go to where the child is if there little you're on the floor rolling the ball back and forth you. We have your full of tension. If the phone rings and you answer the phone now you still roll the ball but I don't have your full attention. Let me ask you this because this is again something that has to be intentional. I know and I'm not going to just stereotype.

Yes, I am Mr. comes home he's tired and four and five-year-old kiddos are one time and he wants to watch the news notes, news, weather and sports time click click click your, decompressing from work. I think with Jean's help. Sometimes not gentle but she's like you know the boys need your time.

I don't think that news station need your time right now, or that football game and it took a little time for persistence, but I think I finally caught it and turned it off. I think the word you used earlier, Jane priority, we have to choose our priorities and when you have children in the home, and I should be one of your top priorities. Your spouse should be your first top priority within the children. It's more important than anything you want to watch on TV you will be doing on the computer and if you realize that you keep bringing yourself back to that okay to do this on with the did you describe that his habits to get into a habit and you gotta break the habit absolutely, and what we can break habits and we have to replace them with something different so what were replacing with his in this case is quality time with her children to keep going moms to present. Okay, let's move the gifts. This is the one for me as I did the quizzes that the far end of I don't really care. And this is any. Again, this is the receiving of guess I think genius pricing this for me it's like if you get me one Christmas present or 10 right doesn't really matter and that is first described that Scrooge mentality and then help me better understand that when this is a person's love language what that looks like this is the child's love language and it looks like you didn't give them a birthday gift. Becky is going to feel like I know you have now. Parents will typically give birth to a dancing Christmas, but if gifts is there language you have to give gifts more often than just birthdays and Christmas, but the gifts will have to be expensive sometimes. So what you want this teach the materialism. It's things things things to be expensive. You can pick up a stone in a city parking lot and taken home and give to an eight-year-old boy. If this is language. Samantha found this today. Thought about you look at the colors in your mail. I wanted you to have this if gifts is his love language you will find that stone in his dresser drawer. One is 23 and he remember the day you gave it to appreciate that we have one child that is very much a gift receiver and she can be effusive about getting a vacuum cleaner for a gift to me is just like a blender. Anything.

This is Focus on the Family with Jim Daly were so glad to have Jean Deeley with us and also Dr. Gary Chapman who wrote a fantastic book the five love languages of children get your copy by clicking the link in the episode notes or give us a call 800 K and the word family.

Gary, let's go to the last one and we have a few more questions for you here, but that idea of acts of service, most moms probably feel and I'll get your affirmation on the screen that they serve their kids all day long you differentiate between this love language and just the normal. I'm taking care of everything here. Well, I do think that we are forced his parents to speak this love language from the moment they're born way to look at it as a way I can do anything we put the food and we take the food out of it all. And so, in those early years were doing for them things they cannot do for themselves.

But another part of this love language is teaching them how to do things for themselves and this takes more time and energy, a six-year-old can make up their own. But they have to be taught and it takes time to do that. We mentioned this earlier. Teaching them how to cook a meal is a far more expression of love and cooking a meal for them right because you're preparing them for life. Our granddaughter could cook a full meal when she was 14 years old. Her father who's the cook in the house and taught her how to cook a meal to see less if she likes her all birthday cakes unit while she just loves it and she had an interest in that and she wanted to learn that so I sometimes said the parents think along these lines.

Would you like your child to be able to do with the time there to hear so want to make a list and let the Cliffords teenagers. Let them help you make a list. Whoa, they like to know how to do the tendering to her. So let that be a guideline in terms of how you can speak the language, acts of service, and this is good.

Whether this is their primary language or not, because it 18 they're going.

Our culture they're going off to university will join the military. Get a job. We hope you exactly what I need to be prepared and so this is one of the aspects of speak in this language that's super super helpful to every child. I was thinking it more externally to the home like going and volunteering at the soup kitchen and doing things like that which also applies there but Gina had thought about a minute.

10 you had the boys doing laundry.

That was pretty good.

I wish you were good with one thing I did. I asked her they were pink T-shirt that right. You know the parents can do everything better than the kids take more time and energy in the beginning step by it is important yes to look at the end what you want your child to be able to do is than adults. Had we set that boundary is apparent not to overindulge our kids needs.

And that way like you know there are some people we know that there are 17 and mom is still doing everything you have. First, I guess. How do we realize that's not healthy and we've got to create the list.

I guess you partially answered their but what if year getting pleasure your deriving identity and self-worth out of taking care of these kids and you're taking care of him at 17 like he did at five.

I think you have to realize what's going to happen when they're 18 and exalting diversity. I kinda sobers you up.

Recognize there are some things I need this teach these kids, you know, I think first of all, as their younger we play to their interest if they're interested in learning to cook if they're interested in sports, find whatever you want we can do but we want to teach them with their interest.

But later on we will be thinking strategically in terms of what is going to serve them well when they get to be an adult and even if they're not interested.

We at least want to get them exposed to whatever the topic that is so good.

Let's move into a little love and discipline discussion. Your book you wrote disciplining a child without love is like trying to run a machine without oil and that's a good illustration. It appears to be working for a little while but the trip the engine seizes right describe that I think all of us as parents have to discipline her children means we have guidelines we can call the rules, we can call principles when: guidelines we have consequences when they break the guidelines and that's a necessary part.

God does that for us.

The Bible says he disciplines all of his children. If you don't get disciplined. You don't belong to God.

So as parents we model God and doing that, but discipline without the child feeling love comes across as harsh and so one of the things I say this before you administer the discipline speak their love language rapid in their love language. Let's say words of affirmation their language. Let's say the rulers we don't throw the ball inside the house.

If we do the ball goes in the trunk for two days and if you break something you have to play phone out of your allowance okay so the child breaks the law parents attorney. I'm so proud of you because seldom you break the rules, but you know you broke this one and you know what has to happen right there heads down there nodding yes okay I'm feeling a sense of let's go to the car and put in the trunk. I don't how much the base cost, but will have to think about your allowance. But listen, I'm so proud of you because you seldom do this. That's all walks away feeling this is fair because they already knew what the punishment is going to be when you have a rule always tell them what's going happen to break the rule before they already know that. And I feel this is fair. But if you simply go in there and so I told you not to do that, you know better than that wants will have to happen now it's all walks away feeling like you try hard to mess up on one thing I get blasted worthless worthless so we can allow our emotional state at the time to control our behavior and if we rapid and love the child feels like it's fair that accepted in the way you wanted to be Gary.

I remember a time. I discipline Trent and he went to his room and I went up afterward and I was can affirm him I'm doing good so far and that he wouldn't speak to me. He was probably 87 or eight and I said are you upset, and he shook his head yes with one not paying and then I said can you talk with me and he went no shook his head that way and I said can you write what you're feeling and he shook his head yes. So I went and got a pen and paper and I gave it to him and I said how do you feel when I discipline and a member.

He wrote it feels like you don't love me.

So what was he expressing to me. I think he was expressing his emotional response at the moment and I think what you did was great. I would not have thought about the pencil Piper thing like that because it gave him he could not talk at that moment about it right. He was going to upset to do that, but yes he could write out what he's feeling and I think what we have to be thinking of in terms of parents over discipline is how does this come across to my child does it come across as this is legal. I'm doing this because I love you because I all disciplines to be flowing out of our love were letting the learning tremendous principle in life that will be break the rules. There's consequences to breaking the rules that were teaching them something really really important. But how does the way I'm delivering the discipline come across to the center comes across in a negative way. I don't feel loved by you Jean.

I think Detroit was hugs right we discipline Troy in the three times we had to discipline me just was never outside the boundaries. Typically, IT was one of those children that you just get that kind of look to that that disappointment like and that was enough. I will say with our oldest son. It was more challenging and honestly for a lot of us parents.

We are not con when they have done whatever it is for the umpteenth time you're frustrated you're really frustrated you're not feeling unconditional love and Dr. Chapman. That's I live that you talk about this is just how important for us as parents. We've got to find that way to calm ourselves down before we discipline the child then. Whether it's taking 3D brats, or taking II learned about mommy timeout.

I love that timeout that if you have it. Three-year-old needs to be watched by that's really the crux of it is that we can calm down and as you talked about. Keep in mind what why are we wanting to discipline what is the point to let me frame it little bit like this for the moms and dads listening where you have that stronger will child you have been on the require more attention.

How do you reset constantly. How do you get a hold of your own emotions so you're not losing I think we have to say to ourselves.

I don't ever discipline my child yes because if I do it will come across as I don't like you.

I don't look to your awful person. And so it's a timeout thing.

I think we we when we come down a bit and if it's the three minutes or if it's 30 minutes. We went to we calmed down a little bit so that we can approach it in a much more loving way because we want the discipline to come across as love. I do this because I love you good at it, Jim.

You're making me think of when my bigger regrets as a parent was what I called taking the bait with that child phenomenal but I just took it like a challenge.

And that's exactly what they shot Wanda and I was so so learn to just not what's that transaction about Harriet were all laughing because it's rooted in truth, this is what happens there push our buttons and were going to make.

So what is that transactional about between parent and child think we have to recognize what's happening. First of all there trying to get a subset because I want to see us. Do you know centers and then I think we just have to reckon okay this is a pattern. I begin to see this now. Okay God I need your help to break the pattern as we can write patterns but it's tough. I'm urging the recent times member who the adult is forgotten, but it's true, line and sinker.

Gary, as we close, I want to encourage the listener. The viewer is never thought about their child's love languages has been on the radar. They haven't heard about it now. That sentence sounds a lot after 14 million copies sold, but there will be some people that aren't familiar with the concept and now their child maybe is a little older than that team phase and they haven't been effective at first identifying their love language and second, putting it into action so that if they are correcting them how to affirm them through those words of affirmation physical touch would have you what can they do today. Practically, to get the ship righted a little bit. I think one thing is to have a conversation with a teenager and a stallion.

I was listening to radio program and I heard this I read a book and I heard this concept that people have different love languages and I never thought about this before and I have a love language that has love language you have a lovely and I've never thought about this before and I found that there was a frequent use and I went online and took the quiz. Nana and I did and I found out that what makes dad loves no one I thought, he's got different lovely. I thought this might in pillow but know this is it and he had mine wrong and some there's one for teenagers. Would you be willing to take the quiz so we can talk about that because I don't know how much you fill level scale of 0 to 10. I think I love you to you but I don't know if you feel it that way. And so that opens up the whole concept to them and then we can really talk about family and look back on the past. I think you touched on this, but I want to hit this once again, that idea of demonstrating humility to your children by asking for forgiveness. I remember the first time I did that and the boys. Trent was probably five or six whenever he was in the top bunk bed and so he had me eyeball to eyeball and we had had a little confrontation, discipline isn't bad and I go up to affirm him.

After reading Dr. Chapman.

I remember looking at them in the eyes, and I just said you know I'm so sorry. I think I over which I had over reacted and I just I'd like to ask you to forgive me and all of a sudden he had his big smile on his face and I think that what's coming because I didn't know parents had asked for forgiveness. I said are you kidding you make so many mistakes turn and it was just awesome and I think that was a moment that he will remember forever. Absolutely that's a good place to start is well with humility absolutely and that man this is been so good. I love when you come to the studio, helping us in so many ways. Jean is so good to have your perspective here and I'll see you tonight for dinner you out just as they left Chapman's expected good so I hope you have benefited and let's get a copy to you of the book the five love languages of children and if you can make a gift to Focus on the Family for any amount will send it to you as our way of saying thank you, can support his monthly which is great for a one-time gift.

Either way will send it to you can afford it were about helping you several trust others will cover the cost of just get in touch with this and asked for a copy to help you in your parenting journey.

That's our goal focus (you want to come alongside you sooner donate if you can request that great book. Five love languages of children, and you'll find links to take the quiz and find out your love language describing it's all in the episode notes or call one 800 K work-family for details and on behalf of Jim Daly, and the entire team here. Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back. As we once more help you and your family thrive Focus on the Family clubhouse and Focus on the Family clubhouse Junior magazines are fun and educational for your children to worry where they are written objects and characters are. Now currently reading.

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