Understanding the Root of Your Child's Misbehavior (Part 2 of 2)

Jennifer had a lot of anger from her past and unfortunately she was passing that on to her kids but she found something better told that I needed to nurture my children rather than recognition.

Growing up, I'm Jim Daly this season. Help us give families hope and when you get today. Your donation will be double donated focusonthefamily.com/joy just fine no site with the site is going to battle, and further wanted to engage you in the battle. Usually, all that that so you don't react you respond in your authentic learning to say things like country can handle and turn her back walk on the roof is really wise advice from Dr. Kevin Lehman and this is another best of 2021 episode of Focus on the Family X for joining us I'm John Fuller, along with host focus president and author Jim John. I'm excited to revisit part two of our encouraging conversation with Dr. Lehman. And if you missed it, I'd encourage you to get the CD or the digital download last time we discovered how certain responses can actually encourage your children to misbehave right and if you're like me when you hear Kevin's common sense advice. You wonder why didn't I think of that earlier he has a great sense of humor, and describe struggles. Every parent can relate to. I know today's program will encourage you absolutely agree with you Jim and as a list or get a copy of the conversation. We began last time and find out more about Dr. Lehman's book why your kids misbehave and what to do about it.

We got all the details in the episode notes right. Let me just quickly add that Dr. Lehman has been here numerous times. He's one of our most popular gas and he's a prolific author, a well-known psychologist, speaker and TV personality, and he's lots of fun is. Jim said Jim, here's how you begin this best of 2021 episode with Dr. Kevin Lehman and what were really getting to the crux of this book in our second broadcast because this book really speaks to why kids misbehave, while why do kids misbehave number one.

Their attention getters. HER attention getters. You know, they come all the loans are completely depend upon us, and as they grow in the infancy tour that your old you begin to see the subtle spirit use begin to see this little personality develop always tell mommies of young kids when that child hits 18 Months Cir. calendar because you're going to see a tester will start about 18 months in a child's life and you elaborate on that because you say both good behavior and bad behaviors both yell for attention, absolutely. So yeah, I go back to HER attention getters. Just follow me for second so the kid gets positive attention for positive behavior. There on the right track. As soon as they don't get positive attention they still need attention. So, I have intentionally going to get to get negative attention in a kit tells himself well.

Still getting attention is still working but that runs its course. So is the kid gets more discouraged in life. Believe it or not I'm saying a little ankle binder 18 months to three years old can get discouraged. Life wasn't working out the way they think. Even at that age, they become powerful. So I the attention getter says only count life when I'm noticed. I put people in my service. The powerful kid says I only count life and I control when I will and when I dominate. So these are the kids who throw temper tantrums and how we respond to those temper tantrums is really important because that kid throws a temper tantrum for purpose not purpose is just a word purposeful is a psychological word that comes from the psychology of a guy named Alfred Adler. We won't go into any detail there but let's just say that all social behavior serves a purpose and a kids life.

So the powerful child is saying I am in authority over you parent that is a guy named St. Paul who said something very different. He said children obey your parents.

It's the right thing to do because God's place them in authority over you and I love that translation. It's a living Bible translation that's right try to preach the parents. You need to be in authority without being authoritarian to deal with this powerful child because you need to remove your sales from that child's win is if you don't and you come up with you. I am your father. Rerun the blow you went against the wall in a power struggle, you lose so you need to weigh the develop ways of circumventing that powerful child when they realize the weight of these five ways are working these parents are little smart when I'm given credit for what, that's the obvious question when you have that confrontation. What should you do with that three-year-old well in the kid who's going to throw the temperature to be simply step over the child walk away if there is no audience that is given the attention that their craving and that went right you and make it for yourself when you go ahead of the point is given a separate the child. You pick up the child removed from the scene. That's the principle I want to teach it just says hi is not gonna work.

– Kevin let me pick up on that because in the book you you do describe parents responsibility to make sure their child is getting enough of your time that can be so difficult and we can as parents with busy schedules. We can justify all of our busyness, but you're saying in the book your child needs you and need you to spend time with them. So sometimes this misbehavior is rooted just in their not getting enough of you. Well let's start with this anti-American statement activities are not good for your children know I'm asking is that cut against the mom feeling of keeping the kids busy and you think that he hands her happy hands and I meet a lady manage better the song crack cocaine on the street. I get it right now and even you know I felt when our kids were young. I did not want them to spend too much time in sport tonight. I recognize that that wasn't positive in and putting that pressure on them at such a young age.

However, as they got older, I wasn't sure that was the right decision.

Well now we have team soccer we have city soccer the whole weekend is geared around the kids soccer or softball or whatever untouched crazy kids families don't go to church on Sunday because her off playing a softball tournament again.

It's all so much is just directed toward the children did children of the centerpiece will bring up just if you like of the centerpiece of the world. I've said it many times I'll say again, if you do that.

Where is room for Almighty God and the kids like I'm here to answer my own question. There is no room for God neck his life because you got.

I'm so busy and you're so busy, so we talk about time wears a time the dinner table is a great time to talk but had anatomy and I've heard on Focus on the Family studies from other authors who said the ads will spend 37 seconds a day talking to their kids things like that is outrageous.

So the mantra that imprinting whatever you want to call it in this book, I caught the three basic there for, but fourthly don't see very often sold deal. The three attention-getting power and revenge are mostly the motivation behind the poor behavior the maladaptive behavior that you see in your home with your children but you need to understand that message. The kids are feeling like they need more parent.

They need more love they need more acceptance and that's that's the art of being a parent is making that can feel special. That's a good way to look at and that's part of what you've included in your book there. Kevin yet you're known as the birth order guy and some people may not be familiar with that. Believe it or not, really, how many millions heavy so that trees guidance on and it's a great concept. It's one of those rare thoughts that you were able to grab and put into a book. The birth order book but just slightly tell us how that functions and how that helps to shape who we are. I'm sure were not locked into that but you generally learn certain behavior patterns depend upon where you are in the pecking order of your birthright. Well, firstborn Joe the movers and shakers in our society. There are leaders or political leaders. There are senators or congresspeople to our present United States there are astronauts and outer space.

If there's something technical, the engineers, the accountants are to see Internet number of firstborn and only born children nurse or psychological causes to each other. They do very well in life.

The child right beneath them is a disadvantage if that child is a middle child, there can end up a mediator and negotiator compromiser that can be good at seeing life from both sides of the fence which is pretty good. I love the tell middle children of the peanut butter and jelly sandwich. The babies of the family. If you name a comedian right now. In all probability are talking about a baby. The family does name their babies across the board. Very few exceptions, all the late night TV guys. I don't think you're very funny. Quite frankly, but are all youngest children. Why is that wet wet wet action is in play there. That makes them predominantly come from the achiever role is filled by you firstborn children. Kate, the next child in line is the opposite of the of that firstborn. There's two roles whenever they are so that baby the family is that humor guy. He can't compete, and that was true of my hike with Mike sister and brother.

So I became the best of the worst guided and forth to my class in high school from the bottom coming.

I was taking consumers mathematics as bonehead math is a senior in high school I couldn't get it in college. I finally did get in college and probation on the most of you know my story.

I mean, it was terrible, but you know along came this woman when I was 19 years old at the restaurant to college and she was the one my future wife, who I met in the management of the hospital. Believe it or not she was on the God use the term and whole life around and God gave me motivation and I'm thankful for those years I struggled but we are a product of our environment and you as a parent you've taken whatever you glean from mom and dad into that role of parenthood. You can work for you, but can also work against so what we do that knowing this and it's predictability is that's what genius about it it's it's generally true, it may not be absolutely true in every case but I think you've done enough research and talk to enough people that you understand it the way you do but how does a parent help augment that firstborn child to actually maybe not be as uptight rules oriented etc. is there. Do you want to do that or is this just the way God is planted and this is why kings and princes tend to be at firstborn's and leaders as you said is it wrong to create a leader out of the last born while I tried and failed to with my firstborn daughter.

I tried not to make her firstborn Italian I failed and she is a vertical and she was an English teacher. She knew what a dangling participle was. I miss a high achiever area so you just roll with it and is there reason to try and augment that or just let it go for all you firstborn and only born children listening to our broadcast today. You know you might have a tad bit of perfectionism in your life, and perfectionism is slow suicide that you Understand. I think a smart parent when the kids are little, and you're talking a man in this, the kid was gonna lineup everything you know everything's gotta be just sort of perfect kids love stories tell them stories make up stories and belly stories about your life.

Share with them about the time you are embarrassed in school about the time you got picked on.

About the time you failed whatever it is, let the kids see the imperfect nature of you. I spoke in a church just three weeks ago and I gave a talk on the title of my book the way the wise which is Proverbs 3 verses one through six. I gave a very simple altar call about the imperfection of all of us went over hundred people respond. I mean I was certain, shaking my head out I was taken back. But how many people responded to that were all imperfect and turning. We need each other. Kids need to understand that we have their back. We love them with all their flaws to our school teachers that I have some influence over were talking about 1/4 grade spelling test. Why would you write -4 at the top of that, what Charlotte +96.

What's wrong with looking for the positive ways of expressing hate.

Good job.

Good job is what I think I call vitamin E. It's encouragement. Not without praise, praise God.

All others pay cash or someone once said God is worthy of our praise. Your kid isn't that your kid needs encouragement, encouragement says I got your back. I see how you're doing. Life I'm proud to be your parent. You're doing good and if you get stuck, I'm here to help if that message comes across to your son or daughter. There gonna go out life negative be a winner and Dr. Lehman is an important with let's say that firstborn the high achiever to to acknowledge something other than just their performance to acknowledge to encourage something about them personality their heart. Oh, you're the smart one around the table. Gina that's that's the diamond answer right there because as I've said to my kids is is not what you do which we are and my little daughter Lauren was talking to get on the phone for about 30 minutes and I asked her who that was as if you haven't heard that name is he a new kidis to kid nobody likes and I said what is a kid at school. Nobody likes and she called him talking about 30 minutes.

This little daughter, my youngish is very sensitive to other kids in. She's the one in the lunchroom in school would see summaries by themselves over, sit next to beautiful and if one thing I'm proud of all my kids have a sensitivity to other people and they learn that my wife is super wonderful human being wouldn't hurt a fly give you the shirt off her back.

A lovely lady in every sense, the word in a much better person than I am and I see those attributes that we have successfully passed on to our kids, and I think my most private they care about people. While it's pretty cool.

I reminded yesterday when I talk to the focus administrators about you know God hates the arrogant hates the proud. I think all of us have to do that homework.

Make sure that we understand other people are important, we come to a stop sign a red light.

We stop why the law you get a ticket ma'am an accident.

The best reason we stopped us who will hurt somebody else. But notice that is not our first responders in this are heartfelt good things about parenting and then seeing your kids do the beautiful things and you go great okay they caught that lesson I think that happens as you ship your children get older you see more of that.

Hopefully that's the go at in the book you describe discipline 101 and in there you you said this one goes hand-in-hand with this behavior.

So what's the difference between discipline and punishment. Well see in this disorder framed in our society today because if you just come across as I'm punishing you. Let me tell kid things today. They don't think of us on a different plane. They see themselves as social equals cylinder head. Okay, if you're right to punish me I'm right to punish you back and discipline, I think, takes on a little different color that we had knowledge that mistakes were made. We turn things into teachable moments. I love to tell a story about our high school. Invite me to be on their wall of fame and I jumped at the opportunity to do it because I was such a little caught up in high school, but on the way out by was talking to my mother was 90 years old time menace of Motley fool a few people know honey, I'm so proud of you and I reminded her about time the police brought me home and never forget what you said. She said hello to remember that the Jewish that you could so somehow I still have to come across with the fact that you know we love you anyway and we except you, flaws and all. So discipline is hey you take the kid behind the closed door and have a little talk and given the look and they get the message of what happened at dinner.

What happened at school is not cool at all. My expectation for you. Is it we see a change in your behavior. It's a teachable moment Iressa kid, what are you there to do to change that. We talked about rules afterward. All the Lehman children wrote rules governing the use of the family car. I didn't given the rules.

They wrote the rules. I did ask him to write the rules how that happened. They must've assumed that they realize it was a privilege to have the keys in the car you give the key to a cargo kid is not responsible.

That's on you your dummy parent don't do that have expectations to your kids that are reasonable not only in what I continually hear from you. Kevin is put that on your child to give you the boundaries you pretty consistent with that.

I like that idea, although it's a nailbiter for some parents, especially firstborn parents yet, but it helps reinforce the goal. Are you raising a child, are you trying to raise an adult.

Again, that's a gold star observation, but you know what is you are speaking as they did. My sister Sally.

I was speaking to a Christian education group in Grand Rapids Michigan auditorium was 6000 people on their forget this moment because we have breakfast together this that day and she was doing a workshop at the same event should Kevin what are you speaking about this morning. It was now in five minutes away from time I said I don't know yet and she looked at me and her eyes had narrowed and you can see it.

She said well you must know what your enemies speaking logically speaking 55 minutes. I said well when I look at him. I'll decide and she said and she said you are making my stomach turn we've ever had is that the genes of life that she's going to speak to woman's group. That sucker is going to be organize. She's going to have a PowerPoint a lockstep again, and yet if Jim was going to speak and sing on each job in sales going to be here Rotary club is a actions mother Rotary club is the Christians of all SKUs me yet.

Here's not you he's he's like I am patient, and when they're doing anything much better speaker than I had and wow that's generous. Let me ask you this.

Parents, we can emotionally overreact obviously and I think it's really critical as we wind down the timer and text questions in a minute but one of the things that we trip on his parents is that we can get sucked into the emotional argument and we end up.

I mean, I did this with the boys when they were younger. Maggie right down at their level. Emotionally, am going on my goodness, who's the adult I the question I have for you is just how do we as the parent remember where the parent and don't be tricked. Getting into that game with your kid, don't take the bait out about the bait. Don't take the bait will remember fighting genetic cooperation. When you fight with your husband or wife you know exactly what to say to escalate the battle okay same thing is true.

Kids when kids fight they know exactly what to say to escalate the battle and furthermore they know how to engage you in the battle you stay that battle so you don't react you respond and eat in your authentic and you learn to say things like, I'm sure you can handle it turn her back and walked out of the room. If you see blood. 20 minutes later I get involved. Let the kids have a track record so to speak in their own homes are gonna solve their own problems, and so I would say don't panic, don't overreact. Be a listener and listen again if you can listen without judgment.

Remember this judgments will separate you from your child. Judgments will separate you from your husband or your wife let the judgment sound like you're wrong. Prescriptive you know where you have done anything anything eat something along that line so if you learn to listen without judgment. Okay, just hear about lots of times the situation will calm down by itself. So we make things worse.

It's likely throw kerosene on the flyer disclaims up, but just remember fighting genetic cooperation and some people are listening right now and saying when I can sure collaborate as a fight over everything right. Well, if you have a trouble get the kid out the door to school and maybe in a carpool that I have that example. This book, you want that change, I'm Tejada change will change one day leave your 11-year-old home. Don't call him don't get them up in the morning to get the kids to school, Billy weightman, the carport will be out from the house to be mad to be angry. He's late for school honey.

We had this talk so many times I'm not your alarm clock and a mark from now on, under either up your undertrained or not. I'm not real happy because now I have to drive you back to school but be smart sent an email or call the principal having collected in and talk about being late.

It works beautifully action, not works. You only use words you use them every day over and over and over again, hasn't got you the results you want to get to be up in the morning and on the school bus. Use action words. That's why the white kids misbehave is such a good practical book is the back part of it is what to do about it. And those are some of the things you do about it and you have a whole host of time-tested strategies and their Kevin. It's a great resource, but let's open it up. Now let's have a couple questions from our guests here today in and see if they can stop the expert I document my name is Evan you talked about the importance of training children and like with the puppy starting when they're young for those of us who may not have done well at that when they're young I is there hope for us and how might we say with elementary school children start to be more intentional about that training without causing a shock to the family LOL I love your question Evan, but you know I think one of the real joys of parenting. Sometimes his blind siding.

Those that really gets their attention and see you have the heart of a parent you're saying Haley okay I'm with you I understand you know maybe you got a kid still sleeping in your bed. For example, in Dr. Lehman says don't start habits you want to have continue forever to get that little sucker out of that and you say well I'm looking at my life and you know there's some things that we need to change but how can I change them without being injurious to little Beaufort and I'm saying, no, Evan. Let's try a different way that's blindside that little sucker and really get his attention and then say you know something mommy and daddy have done some real heart searching we think that things have to change your in the family and you can see some changes in us that you're probably not going alike because were all creatures of habit. We've all learned to do things a certain way, but there's some things happening soon. You can see that and Juergen have to do it as best you can. I preferred that over trying to make this a soft easy transformation into a new world for that son or daughter is neck great advice from Dr. Kevin Lehman, including our today conversation with him talking primarily about his book why your kids misbehave and what to do about it. We highly recommend that book. It's a wonderful resource for making that available today if you can make a donation of any amount to the work of Focus on the Family. It's our way of saying thank you for joining the support team and enabling us to do ministry literally around the world donate and get your copy when you call 800 the letter a in the word family 800-232-6459 or you can donate to get the book links are in the sentence and coming up next time and again another Best of 2021 broadcast the powerful story of Dr. Patty KeyBank former abortion who became an advocate for life and I just intensively was studying the Bible with direction and understanding and at some point and I know but it became so clear to me that God is a God of life at this character that's his heart. There should be no question in behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team. Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back is again you and Your Family Dr., Christmas memories and making sharing stories with your family that's depicted in the plane for Focus on the Family titled family traditions this story and painted by artist Morgan was a lively family kitchen scene will find a special place in your home and find out how to get a signed version of the special edition print and focusonthefamily.com/family traditions. That's focusonthefamily.com/family traditions