Navigating a Toxic Culture With Your Daughter (Part 2 of 2)

Developing a strong relationship with a father with her daughter and mother with a daughter that it's going to change that daughter and rude her so that when she hits her twining. She has a batter she has a faith and she knows who she is. Best, Dr. Meg Meeker, who has a wealth of information and help for you. If your parent with daughters.

She really is a way of getting to the heart of the issue in identifying those coordinates that her kids have a doctor. Meeker is with us again on Focus on the Family to continue the discussion. We began last time your hostess focus Pres. and Dr. Jim Daly and on John for a job. Last time we spoke to Dr. Meg about a variety feminism things that mom's need to make sure they're doing to ensure as best as possible that their daughters or understanding their identity who they are and answering those tough questions and if you missed last time you get the download download the app you can listen off your smart phone and get the content were covering her excellent book, raising a strong daughter and a toxic culture and I'm looking forward to today's conference. I am too. We've got that book here at Focus on the Family and the link is in the episode notes Dr. Meg welcome back to focus thanks for having the heavier I don't want to ask a leading question. But how long have you been practicing as a pediatrician all my 32 or 33 years of that is experience pays off.

You have seen a lot of teenage girls, particularly right thousand and I you know and one of the things I love. I love to see and answer questions of parents and kids were really struggling with tough issues. As an example of that kids who are wanting to run away kids who are on drugs and they have two parents at home and parents are beside themselves and they don't know what to do. One of the struggles we have now is around the gender issue. Sure and or the other thing you know we have some Christian parents and their daughter comes in at 16 or 17 they find out she's sexually active.

What'd they do so I have to deal with parents who feel very very guilty and I have to deal with a daughter who feels guilty and sort of reset them so and I love to talk to kids and teenagers about sex crazy notes help schools do I mean and parent table. They don't want to talk about that. Oh yes they do. And it's really fun because you know God is given us healthy pass through just about everything and when you bring that path and you talk to kids or parents about that path.

It feels so good it feels so right it's so healing and you can see eyes light up. I see eyes light up in kids when I'm talking to them about why having sex with three partners in your 17, 18 or 20 can cause depression.

No one told me that is why I feel so bad you were here I was wanting to ask these questions in a moment, but since were here. Let's go for it. Something like 40% in your book you state, 40% of teen girls are sexually active, that is lower than half, which is good, but it's still an incredibly high number it is and I will tell you I think the reason there are sexually active, is they get a lot of pressure from boys and as we were talking before girls who are nice and kind and conscientious.

Don't say no because no one's taught them to say now. They also have a lot of pressure from the media and every is only an immediate but but social pressures here.

Pressure is a matter fact I routinely say to girls in my practice high school girls.

One of the two or three biggest trouble spots for you with the biggest pressures that you deal with. If you just can't boil it down to your question without skipping a beat. They say being set enough and having sex always will tell me about that well and I'm just never spend enough okay so I always have to die and they get that message from third grade on and then the messages about sex because they see it everywhere. I'm sure you're aware of the recent movie cuties.

I've heard a little gone forever. Their 11-year-old girls are dressed in black stuff in sexual postures and positions and so many parents. Netflix is bringing out somebody parents wrote an essay change the cover while they change the movie but even seeing a photo like that if year 14 and these girls are 11, you missed the boat and so they need to engage in sexual talk, they need to act like they're open at least two boys to be accepted. And remember, as we talked last time about having MI significant. Do I have value. One of the ways they can feel significant. Even if it superficial is to ask sexually attractive and sexy open even if they don't want it and I think the other reason, girls are sexually active, is they don't feel they have a good reason not to be what is that reason for that mom particularly was going to have the discussion with a 15-year-old girl in their Christian home.

Okay, what's the answer know that mom has to deliver easy is easy. I delivered it a million times to girls. I don't know, first of all, God made you to respect and love and protect yourself. God made you so beautiful you the temple. Temple the Holy Spirit lives in you and the next reason is that you were created to be strong and to say no to people and to not accept things before you want them. We know we have great studies to show that it leads to depression.

We know that sexual activity in young girls is good to be damaging, damaging, psychologically you can feel worse about yourself.

No, I won't mom know I won't be accepted now you don't. And then third physiologically and then I say to them.

I pull a zinger do you know why you got your guard to sell. Did your doctor tell you what you got your guard to sell. Know what I said then we need to have that conversation. And for those listening guard still is a vaccine for HPV, human papilloma virus, which causes cervical cancer in girls and young girls. So now I say to girls.

We are diseases are such an issue among young kids, particularly young girls because your anatomy.

We have to immunize you now against the sexy transmitted infection that's that's serious sexual activity is so serious that we need to do that so he knows are just a few of the big reasons so you even have to say which you certainly can. It's wrong to do. You can start with the medical stuff and then move into your body is too precious and that the temple, the hole and I so appreciate that you know what I'm trying to do my boys. I don't have again the honor of raising girls but trying to teach them God's given you this wedding present. They want you to keep it wrapped exactly and he wants you to explore the when you get married with that woman he brings into your life for lifetime. I tried to continue the message that summer little here's exactly and I find in many instances, teen boys are more sensitive than teen girls. That's exact rest yet but exactly what I taught our son. And after you went off to college. A couple years into college.

He and a friend of his called me with questions about why he should continue to stay abstinent. I thought that is so cool that here's here's what I tell kids particularly boys know God, you made your body to be sexually active from 15 to about 75 or 80. So that's a lot of years that's maybe 70 years and look over their faces. Are you kidding me and I say are your parents alive. Oh that's horrible and I say are your grandparents like and they want to rock a the rump I say here is my point.

If you want a great 40 years, you need to listen to what I meant to tell you over the next 10 years, and if you really want great relationships with your wife for that long a period of time, then you need to pay attention to the next five years to get it so good. Let's move toward how Christ views all this in your practice.

You seen evidence that belief in Jesus actually changes the girls entire outlook on life. I would embrace change my life. In practical terms how does your faith make the difference that would've you seen in your practice with these teen girls particularly well. I think there's so grateful to have depth, nothing in our culture teaches them to live deeply. Okay, it's the same as in the thinnest thing so on. On a very basic and some parents don't teach their kids how to live deeply. They are all into sports and making sure their daughters look at make sure the grace so having a relationship with Christ is something deeper than they know little core core core course would opens up a whole new world for them and then for them to see. She wears this is a person that came to me because he loves me and gives me deeper value than I've ever known before, and it allows me to experience a love I've not known before, particularly for girls grown up in a tough situation been abuse or so forth. So what younger girls teen girls are so much more open to Christ, then adults are in my experience, the people say during the teen years. They walk away. In my experience, I may be just my patient population. I've seen a lot of girls very open to Christ because there's so desperate to feel good about themselves.

Good about life and understand there's more than the way they look the way their friends are acting, the grades they get, and how well they sang and a lot appearance. Unfortunately in Christian peers were feeding into that possess what are peers are doing well. It's giving the meaning and effect of the book you mentioned faith helps the girls with moral guidance understand they are part of the larger story so they fit into the picture looks good, reduces narcissism, have a healthy sense of realism delay the onset of sexual activity be less rebellious, set boundaries and stay out of trouble be more likely to get higher grades be less likely to have depressive symptoms so parents will all sign up for that offer much in girls exactly and isn't it amazing that starts in a relationship with Jesus Christ. But there's no sprinkle dust, I mean that something that has the from their heart have to say yes to Jesus exactly and you as a parent have to provide the groundwork for that to be done. Which means you need to live it well, honestly, openly correct and exactly and you need to teach why Christ wants these things for you and in a positive way.

Non-shaming way that's really important experiment because a lot of kids who have grown up in taught abstinence and they wait until the married say they you know, our sex act with a fiancé or boy from it for the married and they feel shame is able than you are taught abstinence correctly because we're supposed to teach that so beautiful that it's worth waiting for and that Christianity and the lives we live in the restrictions we place on ourselves are for good there to make us feel better and be better.

You know, living a certain way not swearing not lying to people not cheating on things. That's a lifestyle that we believe Christ set forth through his life that when we begin to mimic that we grow closer to can't him, but all of these wonderful things come forth from it. Staying in school getting better grades so you wouldn't ever say I want to have a relation with Christ because I want better grades right they would buy it or you know I am less likely to be depressive people just give me a pill you know is a no no no no.

It's a relationship you come into that out of this comes a way that you want to live because it's so beautiful right which is the calling God places on this road. That's the thing. And Paul writes about that so beautifully.

It's not out of the wall that will behave that way. It's out of our love and then the, the rebound is the fact the blessings flow. You know your protected from these things that we been talking about whether it's STDs or other things. But let me yes perhaps the question what are some of the ways the parents tonight in the context of moms and daughters what what are some of the things that those moms can teach their daughters to turn to God and to trust him. That's a big question they cut, and it's not formulaic and I know some parents who have twentysomething daughters right now are going.

We failed. Somehow we missed it. And we thought we were doing all the right things in my heart goes out to them and some parents are grieving there right now because her daughter is living with the boyfriend so speak to that idea of formula versus predictive imports. But what of those things.

A mom needs to be doing to turn their daughters toward God.

I think one of the things we do and I did. This is a mistake you know with our kids went particularly when they're young. We do sort of follow the formula as Christ into your heart and when you ask him into your heart and your saved what I did that with our daughter when she was four, five, and now she's told me this scared her, and she prayed it over and over and over because she couldn't see that he came in and so you want to be very careful when you tell kids to do things and that will help them love God more become a Christian. It has to start backwards.

It has to start in the heart. So I think with young children you share your heart you share your love for him and you share why you love him and you are very very positive about it. Then you can come into here is why I do what I do. Here is why I don't swear here's what I don't want you to have an iPhone into your 16 I know you think I'm weird and creepy, but this is why I do it because I think that we tend to do as Christians in our culture we see so much bad stuff out there is that we want our kids to be Christians.

We talk to them about behaviors that are going to counter that and we do that sort of thing here is how you live is a Christian, don't do this and don't do this and don't do this case, the want that they don't want that. They want something authentic and deep and they don't also just want our story so we can tell them you know how we love Christ by what they want to deepen the good stuff they don't just don't want rules so I think it is important. I'm really a big proponent of service, service work, volunteer volunteer and don't let the kids do it alone. You take them you say here we go, and you keep your mouth shut and because kids one of the complaints. Parents have is the kids narcissistic, very self-centered and feel very entitled that'll take out if that's true okay and if you need to get on a plane to go to go, but you usually don't look within a mile radius of your home and find a place you know lady Helene needs her lawn mowed or something and so that really helps kids see Christ a lot earlier bores are probably like 9/11. Jean found a animal rehab form so you can imagine what we're doing. We showed up and we shoveled the back down the stuff you got and it was pretty humiliating, but was a good lesson and they loved when they really enjoyed it.

Will this is Focus on the Family with Jim Daly I'm John Fuller and her guest today is Dr. Meg Meeker were talking about some of the great content in her book, raising a strong daughter in a toxic culture 11 steps to keep her happy, healthy and safe and it's a great book will encourage you to get your copy when you get in touch and her contact details are in the episode notes Meg, let me ask you about young young daughters appetite for spiritual things. I mean I saw some research long ago that said parents have a 78% influence on their kids even under 13 years. We don't typically believe that because of the behavior issues and stress and tension between daughter and parent and those kinds of things parents have to be the adults in the room right and realize that in their heart of hearts there still yearning for that guidance in their relationship, even if it smothered with rebellion. It's just this weird time and I think the right questions and say how do we understand that as moms and dads and then how do we apply that so it best helps the daughter you know through the hard stuff and how do we encourage their own faith journey. When it doesn't seem like they could care all yeah yeah you know whenever you see a teenager who's really snarly and is piercing everything she can find. I've done a trick when I see that kid that the more scary they look angrier. They look I see a small little girl on the inside balled up in a fetal portion going please please please please mom please mom help me please mom help me because every teenage girl that has gotten into a lot of trouble by time. She's a senior will say you know nobody cared to listen. Nobody wanted to hear what I had to say well that's powerful. It's very powerful and so what girls crave and it's hard for parents to is the simple things they want you to look at them and listen and let them know you want their company you not always running off to work and not always running up to the gym you outing something to you, and I mean something and so not just that I love you but that I like you and I want you to go help me change the oil in my car because I just want to be with you and I want to hear what you have to say if they peered only did that one thing said you know what I have seen all week. Come sit on the couch by me. I just want to hear what how your request and be don't teach and preach and because if you just teach a child that you want the company you love them evaluate the hearsay. That would put them 90% on the right path, because the way we help those kids who are going crazy in their teen years and you know kind of wanting to run away from home. The key to getting back in the same track is reconciling a healthy relationship with one parent is fact in the book you have a story about the patient you named her Eliana should probably has a different name. But what was her story of how does it fit here. You know, one of the great things about being older as I get to follow kids over long period of time. So Eliana was a girl that I knew, really, since the baby wench so I knew her whole story. Her mother was not well mentally and her father didn't live anywhere near you lived out of the country and so she really didn't know her father and around 14 she started to act out.

She started to get bad grades. She started dating a guy who is 18 she really started to cry out for help, and her mother had no idea what to do with her and again her mother was ill herself. So this girl literally sort of began raising herself as a young kid so she would come in and I encouraged her to go in. You know, to just meet some Christian friends and at first she said I don't want to do that, they won't have anything to do with me because I went to youth group once and nobody talk to me and I said okay and then one another day she came in a sublime gay you know. Is it okay so and I think she was upset because I didn't know jumped out of my seat. You can't do that is looking for the response. Response she would do anything to get some his attention so she came back and came back and I said okay will deal with that later but right now I want to do with you in your heart okay because you're really really hurting here so we worked and worked and really by the time she was in her late teens and she kept coming in.

One day she came in and she was particularly angry and she sat in my room for 45 minutes on my stool and she spun around and she wouldn't talk and I said you want to leave. Note to another doctor note, I don't really talk to me which I do. I don't know. She kept spinning.

So, anyway, anything well long story short, as she got older, I said to her, who loves you too. What a question 17 years old and I can't believe I didn't ask her. She looked at me kind of funny entails. I know my dad doesn't say never really met him my mom.

I don't know how she supposed to see with I don't know and I said what about guy.

I don't know.

I don't know that got so that's how we started talking about God and miraculously she was very open to hear about them and did learn about Christ and started to get on the right path and it was so beautiful. She finally went off to college and I'm not saying that I evangelized her, but here's my point.

Even a girl who looks so locked down and shut away and and appears to hate people was so crying out for love and to just be validated and seen. You know, even if I just sat there and watched her spin. That was good enough for her somebody addict. And here's the thing that absolutely blew me away. She said that before she left she said you know what because you have to, because I really appreciate you being in my life because you know you're one of the people who knows me best and I probably saw her two or three times a year while I am a slow really. I almost burst into tears.

You are the person who knows me best and just like nobody would stop know no one. Nobody close to Meg in that context everywhere around us. The culture tells parents and their daughters to find self film.

How damaging is to push young girls into a worldly pursuit for happiness in this girl story is kind of that she was looking at all the wrong places just to restate a cliché, but how do we help our daughters to understand the greatest fulfillment. The greatest identity is can be found in God and Christ. Well first of all, our teaching has to be authentic but I think we need to really look at ourselves squarely in the face and say where am I spending my money on my kid wears mice kids spending their time and who are my kids friends and if we come down to it, we realize that we are pushing our kids into all sorts of extracurricular activities after school. They don't need and were praising them for the stuff they do and how they look and the A's there getting but rather than do that. This is what we need to back up and start looking at the character change our focus about our kids and focus on the character and we start to praise fruits of the spirit in them. You are so patient man. I saw you with a three-year-old little sister and I know of sitting a coloring with her for 15 minutes is painful and you patient I saw you, you had so much perseverance. I know you hate math and I know your you know you get in a seatbelt look at you. You stuck with it and you studying staying study so we look deeply into our kids. We praise their character. We praise what Christ would praise we let the rest go. Even though were criticized as a mom or kids because I tell you something when your kids are in their 20s won't take them longer than that they will thank you so much because parents appraise their kids for the stuff they do they boast about taking them all around the country skiing is a going to be in the Junior Olympic ski team.

Those kids get what's going on and they get their parents are using them to look great in those kids turn away from their parents. In the early 20s because he never felt accepted and loved for who they were and I said every parent needs to be able to look at their child. At any agency, let me taste some of you sat in the closet. The rest of your life. I couldn't love you any less Meg that is so good and unfortunately this is where we have to end and there is so much more material in your book, raising a strong daughter in a toxic culture and you know like we often do job were going over the surface material.

But if this is speaking to your heart. Last time in this time. Call us get a copy of the book. If you can participate with us in ministry. Make a gift of any amount will send you a copy of Meg's book as our way of saying thank you for standing with us to give other families hope you we really need your prayers and your financial support to continue our great work of helping families and encouraging parents what we have been with this conversation with Dr. Nickerson. Please get in touch today make a donation.

As you can and will send a copy of this book, raising a strong daughter in a toxic culture.

The link is in the episode notes were numbers 800 K word for Dr. Meg Meeker.

Thank you again for being with us these last couple of days. It's been great.

Thank you, Jim. It's been really really fun and thank you for joining us today for Focus on the Family on behalf of Jim Daly and the rest of the team here I'm John Fuller inviting you back. As we once again help you and Your Family Dr. in Christ