Navigating a Toxic Culture With Your Daughter (Part 1 of 2)

Jennifer had a lot of anger from her past and unfortunately she was passing that on to her kids but she found something better told that I needed to nurture my children rather than recognition.

Growing up as, I'm Jim Daly the season to help us give families hope and when you get today.

Your donation will be double donated focusonthefamily.com/joy healthy mother is the one who knows who she is. Who knows that she's a woman created by God, who knows that God Christ is her everything and if she had nothing in the world she would be okay. Dr. Meg Meeker is a pediatrician and she cares deeply about the well-being of young girls in our rather toxic culture. Today, thousands of girls come through her office and she seemed challenges Harding and their parents often face Dr. Meeker is our guest today on Focus on the Family houses focus Pres. and Dr. Jim Daly, thanks for joining us I'm John Fuller, John.

Today were going to offer help. Actually, Dr. Meeker will offer help to parents who have daughters and that describes a lot of our listeners by about 50% will have daughters, maybe more. I do not have the pleasure of having a daughter so my ears are wide open today.

I do have the responsibility to prepare my boys for dating daughters and to respect them and that's something Jean and I are certainly attempting to do with our own sons, many young women and girls are suffering from a variety of things, whether that's eating disorders or just low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, whatever it might be. And that's bad news, and that one of the reasons again that we wonder brings great content to you. The good news is that if you're a loving intentional parent, you can make a huge difference in your daughter's life and were going to help you lay that foundation today and Dr. Baker's been a pediatrician for more than 30 years.

She's written a number of books speaks a lot and were so glad to have her here today really talking about of a new book that she's done called raising a strong daughter in a toxic culture 11 steps to keep her happy, healthy and safe and we do have copies of that here. Just check the episode notes for details. After Meg, welcome back.

The focus is so good to see well.

Thanks for having me Tim. I really enjoy being with you and John. It's just like were sitting in their kitchen table enjoying coffee and I really appreciate all the work that you guys a great time in our culture to do this great work that hard. It is hard and I so appreciate what a great title raising a strong daughter in a toxic culture. Many parents are leaning in right now I'm to start with the big question what do we have to do is parents as moms and dads to help our daughter survive in this toxic culture. That's a big one big one I think that it frightens parents. I think a lot of parents, particularly younger parents that I see now very afraid, very afraid of what's going on in the world and its normal rep time it is and you can't do that you can't do that you can't do that and so one of the things that parents really need to do and this is a hard thing. I try to get parents to understand is to really fully understand the impact they have on the kids because parents feel they need to send the kids other places to get good influence like you know have a soccer coach being influence and maybe have the youth has to be a good influence. Or, you know, the piano teacher and that's all good but really what it comes down to is that developing a strong deep relationship with a father with her daughter and mother with a daughter that's what's going to change that daughter and root hair so that when she hits her 20s.

She has her wits about her. She has a faith and she knows who she is, in fact, you point out in the book for key questions that moms and dads need to answer for their daughters.

What are those for Jim's first question is where did I come from and then the second is MI valuable and significant. The third is there a moral standard in the world, and finally where am I going now. This will hear me say that and nothing while those are pretty existential, philosophical question, what is it mean things but I will tell you. Most kids that I see and talk to truly don't understand why their life and they don't know where they came from and they don't know why they're here. Let's role-play him.

He had thousands of girls come through your medical office right so even with your own daughters when it's where did I come from what you say is mom well I say eat before you were born you were crafting created and known by a loving father. So life for you began long before I knew you so you were made for a very specific purpose, and then you came to the world and you are made to be in relationship right and to be in relationship with God and me and dad and your brothers and sisters and that we know that grows a craving relationship.

That's why they're going to social media, but we don't teach them that so you're born for relationship you're born for a purpose that was designed by me or dad was designed by God, so let me help you walk that way but it sounds very simple, but most girls don't know that they will have it reinforced that they may be wondering about it and it does address the word. I come from MI, valuable and significant, which is so core in my opinion, watching daughters again. I don't have daughters, but I think that something they seek out even more than boys at that age, but the big question. Is there a moral standard. You know, I've heard sociologists talk about the fact that women actually control the lever of the civility in a culture because they tame and I don't mean to reduce this to instincts or anything like that but women influence men have fully and they have a number of assets to do that intimacy emotionally intimacy.

Physically, women are the control factor. They're the ones that either say yes or no. So that question is there a moral standard is so critical to a daughter how to answer that. Well because girls don't feel there is one because there is tone. There isn't one, and I saw the shift of the moral standard from the 1970s to the 80s, and nine old enough to have seen what happened were when women were said you don't have to go this way.

It's fine you know with the sexual revolution you can say yes to anything. It's your choice.

But really, it ended up exploiting women terribly.

So, but what I'm trying to say in the book as as adults we can work through okay we don't have a moral culture but I have moral standards is what I want to do. Kids can't kids are very concrete thinkers okay will if that girl says she's in the third grade and she comes in and her name is Tammy and the teacher says now she's Tommy and I don't understand this and something's wrong with me and they they lose their way to lose the ability to say what am I seeing what is right what is wrong what is up and what is down and it's very very confusing for them because they they need a path to stay on and move forward. When you take that path away. They literally feel like they're floating in no man's land right and are easy prey culture is looking to devour them that way. The evil in the culture. Let me in working to get tomorrow's cultural dynamics as we go through the content of your great book. But let me ask you about that fundamental thing which is that daughter mother relationship and some of the conflict that exists there. One of those, things that you've seen as a pediatrician in your office where that mother-daughter conflict exists when you're with that daughter quietly at 14, 15, and you're asking those Dr. questions and she begins to tell you what do you hear at the core of those mother-daughter conflict. Well, it's very interesting because I hear a lot and I like to tell the girls stories. One of the things that girls of all ages will tell me in private is they feel that their moms are trying to move into a space they don't want them there trying to move in with their friends are trying to move and I've had a lot of girls say I am so embarrassed when my mom writes on my Facebook page or my mom you know is in Instagram are talking about me and so they feel that these boundaries that they want as a young girl or particularly as a teenage daughter to them. It's creepy when mom moves into her space wants to be her friends best friends and they feel the competitiveness with her mother and I don't want and it's and I sense mother's being competitive with their daughters though they don't know and this is the whole problem with the mothers wanting to be the kids best friends moms with a 1617-year-old daughter want to wear their daughters close and they want to boast about it and I say don't do that. Go hum pia para mom jeans please because it's her day you need to be the older wiser person that is not cool to be not cool and I you know whenever I talk to kids. I would go sometimes in the inner-city and talk to these eighth-graders and I'd walk and when my Talbots pants are spirit on and I think guys, I don't look like you I don't want to look like you I'm older than you, but let's just talk and you know kids love it when you serve is on its honest you not try to be time well cool yeah Megan fact in the book you mentioned these four mom types of you, and I was talking to Jean as we were preparing for this but you mentioned needing mom controlling mom, distant mom and best friend mom and you hit the best friend mom and Jean said what's the healthy mom I really I said I don't know if it's your ping-pong between these four I know with those I mean are self-evident. Needing mom that emotional need and then controlling mom. I think a lot of moms regardless of their sons or daughters. It's a natural mom instinct to be a bit more controlling because they fear the environment. The kids are at the Met distant mom. See you later. Do whatever you do, I grew up that way. I did have strong parents and you could do to see you next Saturday and then as you describe the best for mom. What's the healthy mom look like a healthy mom and that's a great point. I should put that in there, but I think the reason I put those in there is because each of us mothers has a little bit of each, and it's 100% of moms are to follow and you can identify what you want to do.

For instance, is if you feel you are needing mom and you know you're needing mom I hear mothers of 25, 30-year-old sang my kids need me and he said they really don't and they find it very offensive, needing mom is the one who constantly is overseeing every minute detail in the child's life because it makes her feel better.

And so when she begins to identify that. Then she can say wait a minute I don't need my kids. I don't need my kids.

The kids need me to do things, but I don't need them and then want to reconcile that, then you become a healthy mom because something shifts in your relationship. If you feel you are distant mom and often we mothers are one of these things because we come into our parenting.

The preload our own parenting if were distant mom and were uncomfortable with our daughters.

We don't want to tell we were constantly putting our daughters up once we learn to break that then were healthy mom. So a healthy mother is the one who knows who she is.

Who knows that she's a woman created by God, who knows that God Christ is her everything and if she had nothing in the world she did not home.

She didn't have a husband. She didn't have her children because they all died she would be okay Meg, let me ask you for the mom who is going while I think I'm at least one of those for maybe three before me before the four what can she do differently.

How does she communicate in a healthy way with the daughter, do you sit down and say honey I may have done some things that have been damaging to our relationship, and I've done that unintentionally, but I heard his program today have I tried to be your friend's friend is that been embarrassing to you.

I'm assuming that's what you can do but is it good to be that mole and one of the things I'll do with our kids, and even as adult kids because all notice after certain conversations. Though you know the so dark that may enter adult women and so I'll go to them and say it you know clearly something I'm doing is irritating to you and I don't want to be that way.

Could you tell me what that is an update on what is generally here's the hard part. When you kids tell you that it's really painful because don't strike back down slightly back you say thank you so much and then change that because a lot of that comes her conversation with our daughters you, we don't realize our time. We don't realize the words were saying we don't realize, but were communicating die daughters because that's do the same thing. I think dads are little bit better listeners, but when the mother will tend to do it I've done this a million times you ask your daughter question. She starts to tell you her answer and halfway through her answer were formulating our correction of that answer and we started as soon as she stops and what the doctor gets is you could care less about anything I have to say you have an agenda mom you're trying to push me in one direction so listening and listening, and particularly listening to what your girls have to say about you and their relationship with you is critical to a healthy relationship but you have to be a strong enough dealt to take it and say thank you so much. I'm going to from now on I'm not aware any of you close and it's your day and ended up back up with you and your friends. I'm not gonna write on your Facebook page or whatever and be okay with you Meg, what's so awesome in the course were touching on those things where you can improve as your listening and you're going while you one of the four I've got the behavior but the good news is your daughters are looking to you for that unique input. A mother and only a mother can provide speak to that healthiness, though, and that relationship when it's working well.

What is a mom truly providing their daughters. That's a great question.

Mom really is a loving mentor.

First of all, she's showing the daughter how to live, but I think that a healthy mother is one who knows how to love her daughter.

Well as an adult to a child and a healthy mother is one and this is so critically important that understand that we are to discipline our daughters because discipline is what teaches them self-control. I see so many mothers don't want to correct their kids and say here's what you should do is right here is what you should do.

It's wrong and they say I'm a let my child pick his way because they need to express himself as a look if I just sort of let myself go.

According to my instincts. I weigh 400 pounds and I sit and watch you know monk reruns all day long.

That's not the way you live in life.

So you've got it early on. Teach your kids know you don't talk to me like that when you three unit self-control, but a lot of mothers in particular in this. I see this routinely in the majority of my patients don't want to tell their daughters know you can't do that and mean it because they they just don't want to get a stranglehold on their daughters.

They think it's bad for them. You have to teacher daughters how to say no and they have to hear it from you because if they don't hear you say no you can't do that.

Guess what, when they're 14 or 15 or 16 there to be able to say to somebody know you can't do that.

So you teach them boundaries themselves so that they can set boundaries when they really need to do that. This is Focus on the Family with Jim Daly and our guest today is Dr. Meg Meeker and were talking about some of the core concepts in her book, raising a strong daughter in a toxic culture and we encourage you to get a copy of that book and the link is in the episode notes Meg, how did your own mother influence you and become a mentor to start rough and get better was a pretty good the whole way. You know my relation with my mother was pretty good.

The hallway and I will tell you my mother was always clear about the fact that she was the grown-up and my dad supported that she was a grown-up, and I don't need this to come across a weird way, but I had a little bit of fear of my mother but my mother had a rough childhood. She said she grew up. At 14 she learned to type at 14 because you and I had so much grease backed from my mother. There were things she doing think she didn't do. She was always very open, warm with my friends, but she never moved into territory. So she modeled it well. All she modeled about health and my mother my mother my dad was through some really really rough periods in their lives been out financially. This kind of thing, and my mother had guts and she stuck with it and I thought and I think my mom can do that and stick with that I can do anything yeah let me ask this question because someone might write or call us.

The difference with the father's influence rim talk about that I do. I want to get one question in their house is father's influence with the daughter different from mom's influence.

I expected my mom to support and love everything I did, but I didn't always expect that from my dad because as much as I respected and feared my mama little bit. She was the company person.

My dad was a very strong person and I respected him in a different way.

So I felt that if I excelled at something and dad said good job. It was a good job if I excelled at something and mom said good job in my mind you have to say to his mom. I heard my girls actually say that his mommy got his say that and she didn't but that's how we perceive it so was the loving heart of a mother is in fact the you have a story about your dad, that protector which I really appreciate it if I had a daughter I would want to be that kind of father to my daughter but I guess her boyfriend took you to a movie that was not the right rating and it was risqué and what happened this kind of thing happened repeatedly. I was 16 and 18-year-old boy came over which you should never let your 16-year-old daughter date, an 18-year-old boy, but he was gone amateur. Anyway, we went to movie my dad was up. He was always awake when I came home from somewhere particular with boy and said head of how you like the movie what you see and I told him in a minute. I told him he jumped up up up the couch he looked at the young man and the young man need to use the restroom and my guess it out you're out ASIC ICs restroom said no, no, you can't out Meg were winding into the interior and were to have you back next time to continue the discussion, but I do want to hit the idea of feminism because you talk about that going to med school and you know embracing some of the feminist ideology. In fact you considered yourself with feminist and college describe what that was like. And I think you know even today with the church so much of feminism has seeped in some of the is good to be able to be strong and stand on your 2 feet. There's many examples of Christian businesswomen in the Priscilla comes to mind. So what one of the good things from feminism and what should the church and mom's particularly be looking out for with her daughter. So I think we've completely misunderstood what feminism about because Jesus was the original feminist level.

How he treated women yeah but give us the context for that statement because people may not catch that. I don't understand that Jesus looked at women as being completely in this exact same value as man, he didn't see race and sex.

They were all semi-sitting on the ground is level at the foot of the lesser.

They want lesser. They were beautiful. He revered them in places where he thought they were being put down. He raise them up so he adored women he adored man. But here's what happened with the feminist revolution because I was right in the heart of it in in the 1970s Gloria Steinman Betty free dance that you can do it you can do it, but our goal was to meet men.

It wasn't to be better salves. It was to beat men so there was an underlying anger that we were taught to have and that was to grow if we were to be successful. And that's not healthy but we didn't recognize it at the time we had the right to have an abortion if we wanted to we had the right to push men out of the way, if we wanted to. I saw some of my colleagues say the worst things to men and house cuties that and again were seeing that in other places in our culture that if one person wants to elevate who they are racially or gender or whatever necessarily in their mind means you have to squash the other comes from a source of anger, of anger and never healthy and that's where the feminist revolution really took our young girls in the wrong direction. It wasn't you not to compete with men. You are strong you are, as cable and that's how I got to medical school. I think in a very healthy way because my dad always treated me that you can't change the Internet you can't change these things, but you can raise a very strong daughter in a mess and have a strong daughter who can answer those you know for questions and knows why she's alive, where she comes from and where she's going, Meg. Let me ask you this to we did a film called your replaceable years ago we film people from around the country, different perspectives different Christian traditions as well, but there was one woman, Frederick a Matthews green and she said something so powerful it was the Golden Nugget in the entire film from my perspective and she was like your pier at that time in the 70s and working as a feminist and believing all of it and she said what we were hoping for was acceptance and what we got was abandonment and you think of that in the sexual revolution, context, and abortion, and freeing men from the responsibility of childbearing.

It was a disaster. It was a culture for the definition of family were reaping still a whirlwind of all of that may help you speak to that issue of we are hoping for acceptance which is such a woman's heart back to your four questions exact in my acceptable to you.

Yeah. And then what they got was abandonment from men because men got what they wanted. Yeah, exactly. And I remember a colleague of mine.

I'll never forget where we were standing on a hall in a college saying you know what whatever men half working to take it.

But we took the worst. We took the worst and it was the same kind think we wanted the best that we took the worst what we were trying for was to feel valuable and to get our values through our work, our money that we could make in the only way we sought to do that was to push everybody's siding to crush them. But what we didn't realize at the time is breaking down a lot of barriers we exploited ourselves.

Now were exploiting our children. So in our quest to find something better and to feel better about ourselves. We destroyed ourselves.

That's powerful and that's why eyes wide open is a good way to go here for moms wanting to raise their daughters to help you teach them to be strong in character.

Teach them why they have value and teach them why they were put here on earth and then teach them strong women don't need to hate yeah that is so good in Dr. med really come back next time and keep the conversation going to do that.

I love to good working to bring some of those great tools from your book, raising a strong daughter in a toxic culture to help equip moms to have a more predictive model. You know the holidays can be a difficult time for families. We know there are many parents struggling and we want to be here for you to bring encouragement every day. Your support of Focus on the Family gives families hope and if you can help us today with the gift of any amount will send you Meg's wonderful book as our way of saying thank you for participating in the ministry, and right now because of some generous friends and focus your gift will be double for twice the impact. $20 becomes $40, $50 becomes $100 and I think you get the idea. Just a fun way to spur on giving and putting the fuel into the tank. Here Focus on the Family donate. As you can and get a copy of his great book, raising a strong daughter in a toxic culture of click the link in the episode notes or call 800 K in the word family and all behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team here. Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back once again help you and your family thrive in Christ. Christmas memories making sharing stories with your family. That's typically been playing for Focus on the Family titled family traditions this story and paid by artist Morgan was a lively family kitchen scene will find a special place in your home and find out how to get a signed version of the special edition print and focusonthefamily.com/family traditions. That's focusonthefamily.com/family traditions