Planting the Seeds of Success in Your Kids (Part 2 of 2)

Rather than getting a gift of cash this Christmas. Friends of focus can give a smarter gift. You can choose to give a gift of stock that has appreciated over the last year you get a tax deduction for the fair market value avoid tax on the appreciation of the stock and turn that savings into a gift or family. For more information on non-cash giving visit focus non-cash gifts.com that's focus non-cash gift.com and look at the teachings of Christ was always a joy told mom if you take you to Gov. Sean realized gullible imprint on the daughters lives shall be careful Dr. Kevin Lehman was our guest last time on Focus on the Family offering help to parents as we try to reduce response balls successful kids we got more encouragement from him today to stay with us your hostess Focus on the Family president Jim Daly and I'm John Foley, John. Last time we talked about the importance of building character and our children. What parent doesn't want to do that keeping the end goal in mind.

Dr. Lehman mentioned that it's hard when you're dealing with a four-year-old. Think of them as 25 or 30, but I'm there now and I could see it. It's so much fun to see how me times you said say please say thank you another but today Dr. Lehman will share more helpful methods that we can put into practice to ensure that our kids have not just successful careers. Perhaps with that there successful as human beings is people at the core. That of course is a relationship with Christ and in putting those wonderful attributes into play in their relationship.

So I'm looking forward to it. I am to. We always enjoyed conversation with Dr. Lehman and I he's written over 60 books is well-known psychologist and speaker and he's been on this broadcast what he's been in the studio so many times Jim today were to be talking about one of his more recent books, eight secrets to raising successful kids nurturing character, respect and a winning attitude and you can get your copy from us here at the ministry to stop by the episode notes for the link Kevin welcome back. Thank you is so good to I just reread this book this week in preparation for coming here as I was reviewing the book. I told myself. It's amazing that I've written a lot of books on her and give eyes about this is really good stuff. The toughest part is the character part it all and just a while to see it. Sometimes it does but just underscore the fact that they parents know that look at and that's just so important for you to be the person you want your kid to be you. Keep that in mind as you read this book I think will be more meaningful to you that we do have a live audience, small audience, but word and asked them for questions at the end like we did last time, and that it was fun yeah I Kevin. Let's start with Proverbs I many parents mention this great scripture it says train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it. Wow, that's a promise. Let's do that you have a little different take on that. Well, it's I think it's an interesting take. Number one cleanup. My observation is that his parents today. We basically train down. We don't train up. We are too negative with them. We use warnings and again warnings are not a part of any Lehman books warnings are rather disrespectful laxative so you know what and who we tend to repeat warnings does not like you give them one warning. It's over and over and over again what sort of says essentially I think you're so stupid I have to tell you two or three times. By the way, when you call a kid asking do anything. How many times you call and see I've talk to your children and I know the answer that the answer is three times and when you ask a kid about that. They'll tell you straight out well the first time is just sort of a general alert get out in the second time he or she mom or dad raises her voice and a decibel or two in the third time they put my middle name in there. I know they mean business.

So my question is do I train up kids to learn to listen tell him once have a consequence that follows. If they don't do simple things you vastly think it's a good idea, but the point is we tend to train down mom is going and restore. She is little talk with the kids.

I was not going to this don't do that don't naturally think is the answer is no. But what if you just communicated your kit and just be aware of those kind of thing so train up a child.

Okay, in the way he should go now. I love this one over and Proverbs 3. King Solomon ends with, and he will direct your paths. No notice, that's plural you have one path in life. Your kid is and that I have one path in life. Your kids are gonna you don't think yourself of majors in college you had your jobs opportunities. We have a lot of different paths but that uniqueness train up a child in the way he should go does not speak of your child. That's how God would have your kid go in any comment on the, he will not depart from it. Now we don't know what turns those kids are gonna take in life.

We think we do a lot mentioned yesterday and I broadcast that you don't kids are brought up in the church and so many of them leave.

Why did they not see that is real. What did they mess, and I think the fact that you can drive down the interstate in your state and talk to the creator. You may think pretty cool assignment will gotta be a real list for kids the field like you know I can talk to the creator and he cares about me and I think you have to have a passion for being a parent today if you want that kid to not depart from what you taught them. I think the problem is that we do all these other things and like we said yesterday, we focus on the things of the success in the career rather than who they really are and why made it a point of my five kids always say you don't. I love you for who you are.

I love to see that kindness and you down at you Kevin. Let's get to the life mantras that you describe in the book.

I think you start the first one is for the first one is the boss.

When we describe these for the listeners.

Well some of you as parents are the boss. You know the right thing to do order and doing things right is okay but there's limits where that boss doesn't become approachable and the talk about the perfectionist in their step worse than the boss because when the wrong if someone else's fault and I think admitting to your kids as godly ways you can. I am sorry I blew that I ran over your feelings. I have no right to say that I was plying that your business let the heat calm down. We'll talk about another time. I think that kind of approach makes you want approachable.

Jesus himself as he walked this earth. He was approachable. They tried member. They tried to keep the little kids away from what you sent front seat.

Come on up your ghettos.

I think that the keep that in mind as we try to model what God would have us be as parent and save the boss the perfectionist with three Jesus had bad parents. As a matter of fact he was lost for three days during the notice and I think exile throwback. I think big playground okay loyal to the core, all well you know these guys are great. I think there is a peanut butter and jelly of the sandwich, but they never saw themselves higher from anyone's perspective than what they are, they tend to be servant oriented people there some pretty basic good parental skills just in the fact that there that kind of a person and then you got or I call the party. Party Central I think is a party central.

Missing your kids like that never met a stranger. Outgoing might have a sense of humor sort of garner attention and again, keep in mind that all kids are attention getters but they get it, positively or negatively. That's the key. As a kid gets discouraged, he or she will become no more acting out in a negative way.

So again it goes back to the heart. You know the I mentioned that King Solomon chapter 3 the book of Proverbs, he uses the word heart three different times in six little versus an no matter what were talking about on Focus on the Family I got news for you.

It all goes back to heart heart for ministry heart for being a parent. People who contribute to Focus on the Family.

They know all the things focused on his then a lot of things.

This is not about radio broadcast okay so people who catch the vision of what they do want to become a part of it because they know they help people. That's true.

We need to love of God in our lives for sure that you Kevin and one of the difficulties and we touched on this yesterday and today the trying to get on the same page. You talk about getting on the same page as parents and Jean and I struggled at that at times because she was in a little more demanding.

I was a less demanding and should be frustrated with me and I kind of feel like man in sin that this is going into a dead end. Speak to the parents that have that difficulty of getting on the same page and what's how you compromise in that regard to some of that's built out your own temperament your own experience as a child. All those things.

It is so hot. How would you coach couple coming in for that counseling session well and you say okay here's we got think about you ask tough questions. That's a good question because marriage is an easy living with a woman is not an easy thing.

Please remember right, Kevin Lehman, you women are weird and you hug anything that moves them leave us men were like. We specialize in arm's-length relationship to know but that's a whole another book. Another topic, but my point is, what is your point you work toward understanding how your husband sees life from behind his eyes okay and he might be more of a law and order person than you are. Rules are rules in and out, and yet you may have that gift being able to talk with the a fiery 15-year-old who's got fire in her belly and she's very unhappy, and she thinks she treated like a little kid but you mom and that's why say to dad's trust that woman she so much better relationships than you are in all probability to go in and deal with it and then mom talk to dad. I mean, what's going on. Keep in the loop. One thing men hate is hearing things thirdhand you know. So in August back to communication and compassion. You know those are to seize and commitment. When you married, you made a commitment to Almighty God.

Okay, and to each other. See the bailout you get married today. Chances are seven years from today, you're done. So those of you who've made it through 18 years America 20 years of marriage. Congratulations you will make in all probability, that is, every day made you want to turn each other on this is especially for men, but pray together audibly.

There's not a woman I've ever met who wouldn't love her husband just to say honey. Let's pray okay and when you pray audibly what comes out of your heart out of your mouth. Lots of time since things are said to each other in certain new information. I didn't know you were worried about that or whatever.

So if you have this intimate connection. I wrote a book by that title. Once the intimate connection got into the connection you can take on all comers.

Kevin in the book you mentioned some things parents can do to make changes so I'm thinking of that that dad are that mom right now over there thinking man, I haven't done it well up to this point this is convicting to me to give you a kind of that list that I looked at that spoke to me starting anew.

A prisoner no more expect the best. Get the best he mentioned that last time, count to 10 before speaking is a great parental encouragement power of vitamin E just touch on a couple of those in the book is full of those great recommendations. If you're that parent who's feeling like man I haven't done this here you go. Will one of my think is the obvious is what can I do different because what happens is we do the same thing over and over again is husband-and-wife. I'll tell you the same argument on time but just in different form. So my question to you is who's winning your marriage marriage is in a competitive sport so I don't get it, but with your kids the same thing applies. So you think about how can I do things differently if you're one of those persons is quick to anger, notes, partier personality, you realize that one of the reasons why you're quick to anger is because it was paid off in your kit got angry.

Everything stopped. So that's control.

Men tend to be controllers. Women tend to be pleasers. I know that's a broadbrush but is basically true but getting to a point where Jimmy mentioned counting to 10, think before you engage those lips in conversation. Have a soft spirit about you don't ask kids questions. Okay, it's really ask for their opinion. Don't talk your ear off treat kids differently don't react respond that one of the ones that caught me because I had this experience was asked for forgiveness and sometimes as parents we don't think we need to remember Trent was by five or six years old.

I think I probably reacted over the top on something which was in a not typical for me. So I went in a member.

He was in the top bunk is easy. All the sun right so you get the get the touches on fascia and I member having that aside, I looked at him and I said heads.

Once you know I'm really sorry in this big smile broke out of his face. I might what he think it and he said I just didn't know parents had to apologize.

That's good and that, but it was powerful when you made a fool yourself okay and sometimes we do. Yeah, it takes a big person to say you know honey, I was wrong and saying that the young kid. A lot of us have the idea that he's the kid on the boss. This goes back to train up a child and I know what's best for my kid. Now God knows what's best for your kid. He's given different gifts and abilities.

Our job is to nurture them and time after time after time if you come in softly. You open the doors and you drop the defenses okay when you come in, powerful okay accusatory.

Everything gets shut down and nothing you say is going to get past that the near that person puts out there keep you at bay. Good parenting tip art let's move to questions from the small group audience we have here. Let's go to I think it's Nikki, Nikki and I have two wonderful wonderful kids and my son is 10 my daughters eight and they are super smart and kind and wonderful and generous children as a for sale that we have a really hard for kids to provide anything and everything that they could need to fight. We have a hard time with them being humble and grateful for the things that they have always seeming to expect and I want more headway for tax well number one I love the question I think one of the things we have failed to do across the board. His parents in America is create a grateful heart and kids. Kids are on the take their hedonistic little suckers you give them one they want to okay on top of that we live in an arena where people who have means okay give their kids far too many things these kids a play team sports today. You can see their bags, their embroidered I mean it's crazy what we do all my kid has to have the best.

I grew up poor and I think growing up poor is a real blessing as you understand and I don't I live a life right every day I say Lord give me opportunities to bless people this morning and I have I had a lady she worked all night long I was there like a 530 in the morning and I said what I member working all night.

That's tough and she said well you get used to it.

I think my bill was nine dollars over $10 tip. I know it's must be 20% or whatever you go out of the way to bless somebody coming in your kids see that until I got kids or givers is an accident that the givers now, but I just think that staying grounded giving your kids what they need, not what they want is a huge difference in those things that the affirmation of who they are in the love for them encouragement that vitamin E as I call it is so important. But don't forget vitamin E in his life and is no what I can do that and that's what helps keep kids in the authoritative realm of life and not the authoritarian where they just can react and fight back or the permissive and keep in mind the permissive creates rebellion in the other extreme, does as well I think are good shape. Congratulations on two great kids that I love that Kevin we cannot end without hearing that wonderful story that some listeners may never have heard about you dropping your daughter off at college well but there are several I member my 15-year-old daughter Chrissy announcing it was her first varsity volleyball game that we were not to come to her again.

Okay, and she finally relented and said well, and I told her I said while I'm coming, but drove 90 miles to it that same kid you know when she went to college. She was in Chicago.

I travel a lot. I dropped and surprised her and she walked out of her biology class and even see me met all Diana.I would think that stick out like a sore thumb and in others. I finally said Leamy, how's it going and she whirled her head around.

She said my daddy's here my daddy's here she's yelling to everybody in her class. My daddy Sergio jumps in her arms story number one your Kindle tell you I don't want to be in your life okay separate the truth the matter is that only need this in their life. They want us in her life now the Mente about Holly, and I think this exemplifies what parenthood is all about. And by the way you get one shot at it and talk to anybody who's got kids in college that they out how quick those years go by oldest daughter went to a place called Grove city College in Pennsylvania.

Wonderful school.

By the way, and we live in upstate New York in the summertime avocado general Lakeway hideout from people during the summer I was sort of having fun.

I think that my wife's expense by telling her pretty soon your that have say goodbye-year-old daughter. In retrospect, I think I did it the news and it bothered me so whenever I told her that she would do this whenever she crashes is all I want, whether they comes is that fateful day. Will you you take two cars to get all the freshman stuff the rug and everything else you take to college and I member the daylight was yesterday is one mountain. Stories is a set time you realize how this new journey here. New chapter in you, and we pulled up in boys with blue button-down collar's longsleeve shirts emptied out the Carson and you get to that precipice where your in the room.

You can hardly turn around and you meet the parents of the roommate you meet the roommate then comes that time Holly starts saying something like, you know it's time Bill and I tried to satirize it. I gotta get outta here that I felt claustrophobic. I literally ran out and I see his enemies. It was her ballgame. I said no, no, and the relatedness of all. It was a Sunday afternoon but anyway I went out. I just sort of freaking out.

My wife's behind me with Holly about 50 feet behind. I get up the parking lot know her and her mother are now doing this back and forth holding each other and I still remember the sun just sorted gleaming off of them and in thinking stay right there.

Don't come over here I can't do this to the flock. She makes a beeline for me, okay, and she could stuff me she put her on some issues associate daddy I love you so much and I just lost everything a man cry when the whole body sorted.

Does this lurching well that's me and I remember thinking is so weird I'm in the parking lot and reflecting back to her being 10 years old and I just think you can't be all grown up Nicholas back to that verse.

We talked about earlier.

You don't, 22, six train up a child tonight.

Train harp right that I teach you everything she needed teaching and finally, in true male style.

I took her little waist to tall 59 skinny like her mom and I somehow you got a goal and I flipped around don't you good just left and she got toward the corner of the Norman I sent Holly call us tonight. She did one of these things over her shoulder never turned around. Well I was notable as it was get out of here. We drove up by 79 Pittsburgh toward Erie, Pennsylvania stop the red lobster ate a dead fish for lunch. Nothing helped. As a part of me was gone. You should call full 10 o'clock at night you can call funny I cave and I will to bed I'm in, holding the students I know enough not to call her. I waited following Sunday. She calls I'm done.

I was so excited to hear that we heard all about freshman week three Rivers is what Pittsburgh looks like at night night after we talked for probably 45 minutes is probably I got ask your question when you're walking away from us what you think my son should daddy is funny you bring it up because of think about this week I civil what we think about you so I thought about the fact you mommy had brought me up right now was my turn to go and do it in life. This goes back to what we talked about on this broadcast start with the end in mind what you want. That could to be like well about four or five years after that situation. Sad farewell. I was in Phoenix Arizona speaking into an auditorium about 3000 people and I was closing the seminar with this vignette because I think it symbolizes so much about what parenthood is all about.

I see this young lady coming down the outside looking at that girl looks like Holly and she kept coming like most of the crowd and thereby stands up gives her a standing ovation.

I'm working like a dog for two hours and over again and when she comes up and I got my gun and she says oh, daddy. She said that was beautiful, but you gotta learn to tell that story right there is the judge Judy in that firstborn as of honey, I told her what you talking about, you should know there's something I've never told you what's hot. She said well I didn't turn around because I was crying and I didn't want you mommy you think that I couldn't make it in life. They parents to see how much your kid needs you to come alongside of them, not the flock. Not to say you should, you can do better just come along life's journey with them to do that until you get a great kid to be proud of Kevin necessary good ending that that really hits you right in the heart and I'm sure parents are thinking about the long game now, and that's part of the goal here. Let's get parents in a better place about their parenting journey this great book, eight secrets to raising successful kids must have and that you can get that through Focus on the Family here make a gift of any amount and will send it as our way of saying thank you for being part of the ministry and will include the audio download of the broadcast as well. We help you get in touch today and is Jim noting will send you the book and audio download of this conversation when you make a donation to Focus on the Family. Our number is 800 K in the word family 800-232-6459 four stop by the episode notes and by the way that audio download were offering with the book has a lot more content than we were able to present these past couple of days with Dr. Lehman.

The details are all in the show notes on behalf of Jim Daly in the entire team here. Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back. As we once more help you and your family thrive in Christ. Just like a warm fireplace when it's cold outside to enjoy the Christmas season gives comfort.

I'm John Fuller, and Focus on the Family is excited to let you know about our Christmas stories podcast. Each episode brings heartwarming conversations to bring your family closer together and remind you of the hope we have. You can enjoy that podcast@focusonthefamily.com/Christmas doings your past shows and the brand-new season5@focusonthefamily.com Christmas story