Planting the Seeds of Success in Your Kids (Part 1 of 2)

Parenting is tough and moms like Julie need encouragement when they feel overwhelmed and the first thing I did was turn on the Focus on the Family podcast about parenting. That is my go to. There's always a topic that is relating to what I'm going through at the moment I'm Jim Daly this season. Help us give families Hope and when you give today. Your donation will be double donated focusonthefamily.com/joy will say things like go all right but no more candy for life, you've already told you when I get a habit. Then they misbehaved so the question has to be teaching who that's Dr. Kevin Lehman and he's our guest today on Focus on the Family offering advice to help raise successful responsible kids who hopefully will love God.

Your hostess focus Pres. and Dr. Jim Daly and Anjan Jen.

I think parenting is the most important job any of us can have and that we want our kids to grow up with good character.

Make us proud. Hopefully, follow the Lord is the number one thing that Dr. Kevin Lehman. I think he will do an outstanding job encouraging us as parents on how to get there and so often we have great hearts and great intentions but we tend to mess it up know this thing doesn't necessarily come with a manual gene I talk better boys now been 2119 would be nice to have a do over and all that is made and we want to help couples who have these young children not say that at the end of the road that we want to do.

Over all, Dr. Lehman and his wife. I have five grown children. He knows experientially and professionally. What it means to endure the challenges of parenting and to work hard and see what happens in Maumee. That's really doing. I love that we would put all the effort in and then they leave and we hope, and Dr. Lehman is a Christian psychologist she's got over 60 books really talking about one of them today. He's also the founder of the Lehman Academy of excellence group of charter schools of the book written be discussing today is called eight secrets to raising successful kids nurturing character, respect and a winning attitude and course we have that here the ministry to stop by the episode notes for the link.

In addition, that John will have a little audience with the so say hello everybody hasn't questions that they're going to think about heaven. I hope not.

Kevin Evans Artie figured out he's here for us to answer all our guests to gather parenting woes, but Kevin welcome back to focus.

It's great to be there for our visitors here and for the listeners in our broadcast when I come here. I'm home. These people always feel that way. Always look forward to being there with Jim, you said something interesting and that is knows Christian parent you want your kid to grown love the Lord, you know I'm here to tell you if you look at the stats you bring kids up in a Christian home he do old things you're doing right well unfortunately those stats and sort of put us in a different direction as so many kids don't keep the faith they were under, and I think that takes us really to that question in such a desire for us that we start that parenting journey with high expectations for our kids, and it kinda translates into how they reflect upon us right how their behavior and our embarrassment almost thinks that's probably the first loaded question I wanted ask is how often are we parenting for ourselves versus parenting for the kids while for many live vicariously live their lives to their kids when you think about your kids and I get a little insight here. I get the title my books.

In fact, a lot of authors will call me and say Kevin, I need help with the title book can help me is just something that I like to do, but the word successful is there for a reason, because young families today are driven with award success. What success when I think about success they think about professions.

I'm telling you is a former dean of students at the University of Arizona. The freshmen would come in my first job was the head dormer out and large dorm. Everybody was premed.

Everybody was prelaw.

What you think they ended up that way where those aspirations come from and so I am saying is parents project. Sometimes her unfulfilled dreams and wishes on their kids but we think about success. We think about all these other things that quite frankly don't matter right. You know, and in that context. So how do we rewire our brains as parents to either redefine success or to make sure character is hopefully top-of-the-line well-functioning. I think what happens is parent figures out this isn't working. My kids got a Maltese not respectful. They talk back.

They're not nice to each other you have situations where you talk to your house, your wives that we got you sent, but we had to move out. Are we having somebody in there is something on eBay is for them in two of us and you figure you better when their cooperation I'm speaking of those born days when I was a young buck start off the University of Arizona.

My first job was the head resident. One of the deans came over to Kevin have one piece of advice. What's that he said there's 360 them, and is one of you learn to win their cooperation so the kids what I'm saying is we give them way too many things folks kids don't need things so that it take back a step and try to figure out you know, Stephen Covey said start with the end in mind right so yeah but in that context and so is Christian parents, particularly we want our children to have godly character. We want to see them tell the truth.

We want them to treat others the way they would want to be treated. All this great foundations and we think that in later terms as well as younger terms.

I know when the going through the terrible tuition.

I can expect them to love thy neighbor but you want to get them there. So one of the things you mention your book is have the long game in mind, even if that in the short run.

They're not behaving the way you would hope they would behave, but have had to have the patients is apparent to be able to say okay little Johnny I know you don't want to do this right now. We want our kids to be truthful. We want to kids that have honesty. We want our kids to do all those virtues and values are great, will want to, here's my question for you parents are you that person you want your son or daughter to be.

That's the question we think about kids and behavior of written lots of books on how to curb kids behavior in pretty good books but it really gets back to who you are is apparent because the concept of modeling is absolutely profound and so these kids every day are taking spiritual notes on how you live your life.

Emotional notes coming psychological months ago down the way you read this, I can't get you off the hook parent. And his parents if you're not on the same page. There's another huge problem. The kids feel that divisiveness and their gonna try like a fish out of water to give you a run for your money. So if your rule conscious and so many Christians are rule conscious. They live by the rules. I was just up in Indiana speaking this past weekend and one of the church buses.

I love that I made a comment about it public as I love your your church bus and it said it's not about the rules my friend Josh McDowell said it years ago and I've used it so many times, always try to give him credit, but I stole it from telling the truth, but rules rules without relationship lead to rebellion and so most of us have grown up and authoritarian homes and we sort of revert back to what we were brought up with.

In fact, were under fire. The things we tell ourselves, will never said nor can we not only save them but we save in the same tone and inflection and we in a talk whether the strategies were you, I want to get into that the mistakes that parents make the let's start on the high side.

The eight things that you point out in your book, the eight strategies that you develop for raising successful kids. Let's touch on those real quick and you listen forth. Well, we just don't we start with the end in mind. Right. That's good. We kinda cover that was okay.

Expect the best.

You get the best one of things we know about our schools with high expectations for our scholars.

We have high expectations. Guess what this which parenting understand your kids actually want to please you.

So what is it in your daily minutia of life. We are giving kids an opportunity to please you. You do. Far too many things for the snowplow.

The roads lifelong about this one given you shall receive. Are you a giver of you want a kid who thinks about somebody other than himself. Do they see that giving nature in you, role model, we touched on that, but live the discipline life.

We think a discipline. Most parents are the gay about all the fearful timeout. Give me a break. Discipline is really about how you live your life do you live a discipline like parent link's allies are watching so discipline don't punish punishments easy you just react and you know you want to be a teachable moment. It's more of a lifestyle from permitting that discipline life care for our 14 and the entire shoe and away from the authoritarian you will do that. David Busoni doing as Ruth Harris, Tammy, those are the two extremes. But if you look at the teachings of Christ. He was always in authority and that's why tell mommy she'll take any got from your son ever dads realize you put indelible imprint on those daughters lives, so be careful with that quick tongue that little rider is the Bible talks about could get you in real trouble.

So if you're the critical eyed parent to critical of your son or daughter. Let's pick on the firstborn, usually their reliable conscientiousness makers now that your firstborn will not be that way at all.

Don't be a procrastinator. Don't drag your feet to put it bluntly that the slobs why don't they measure up because every time they try to measure up. They bring home a a 98 on 100 word spelling test. Only you can say you missed two, +98. So again, just being positive, looking for the positive goes a long way and drink. And it's good let's get one more Ashley I think you have a question Ashley and I have a 14-year-old male child girl and she is overly apologetic. However, my sign 15 years old, like a linebacker. He when it comes to apologizing for things that you know you should apologize for he's a prideful and Dixie's hills and how can I help them find that balance well first religious make a statement you could beat your 50 know the stick and he's knocking a succumb to your desire for him to apologize, but one thing you can do is you can say to him flat out. I am very unhappy. Turn your back and walk away and turn your back and walking away is essential because I want you to see what happens. It's rare when you tell a 15-year-old. I'm very disappointed what just went down here to give him a few minutes he's gonna come back and he's can essentially say, sorry Marla I sent might be hard for me to get it out telling kids that you're unhappy. Keep in mind the kids actually want to please us as adults. Your 14-year-old whose when she grows up and they have a family reunion and it rained she's doing the apologizing for everybody because she picked the date okay. I wrote a book about those people called the women who can't say no.

I think that's the name of it but so many people are pleasers by their nature and they please, everybody, and sometimes you have to have a talk with that can't hundred is in life times in life we do not, please everybody. Everybody is none like you. There's a great conversation apparent to a child. My granddaughter came to me one day and told me she had 18 likes is not great crampy.

I said take the truth and nothing of greater law you want to go through life and be liked by everybody will handwrite and easily very unhappy when people meet my wife. People love my wife IKEA ZIP Codes. People don't like me but it gets back to. Do you have a protocol you know we are going as apparent as a family and so these kids sometimes have a conversation with that little pleasers a honey you know I love you getting a soft heart and your quick to apologize but sometimes I get the feeling, apologizing, just sort of avoid the conversation and I want to make sure you're a strong young woman because we live in a society where the peer group says to your daughter smoked is going to support this.

Do this watch that once in your family repertoire. This can help your kids a normal world that says yes. So I think I'd I would take those little deeper. Take a deep dive on some of that stuff that's good that's really good Hank Ashley at Kevin. This is been terrific and I think parents are getting the idea and grandparents to about what we're talking about here. Great book, eight secrets to raising successful kids I'd like one secret that bigger hits that eight is a bargain and I hope folks will be able to contact us and get a copy when you make a gift of any amount send that as our way of saying thank you, but wait there's more jihad has been bundling the book with an audio download of this broadcast #800 later a inward family or just stop by the website link is in the sentence Kevin. I can't wait till tomorrow. Thanks for being with us. Need to add that to be a can't wait for tomorrow. Well, on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team. Thanks for joining us today for this episode of Focus on the Family. I'm John Fuller inviting you back next time. As we continue the conversation with Dr. Lehman and once again help you and your family thrive in Christ. It's the easy route out and that isn't discipline. That's not a discipline lifestyle. Okay than the others who want to take him on. You're going to get the power struggle. I'm here till you're gonna lose they have much more to lose than you so if your kids make a fool of himself in public. Yeah, people looking at your kids and the Kitsap mouse limited with a really thick what is wrong with that parent. But sometimes the kids they throw little some out there just to see if organ react or respond one of the tips in this book is learned respond rather than react if your docks is your reaction to the medication that is not good news and you responded that's good that'll help you keep that in mind and souls. Sometimes you might you say to a kit allow another thought of it that way. This is Focus on the Family with Jim Daly I'm John Fuller and Dr. Kevin Lehman is our guest. Great stuff kind of parenting 101. If you will, taken from his book, eight secrets to raising successful kids look for your copy online got the link in the episode notes Kevin, let's go back to something you specifically mentioned about mystery methods to deflect these arguments so let's just say I have a friend in every night at the dinner table. There's this clash. Mom up against firstborn and the others around the table or just go out with this going to be tonight, speak to that scenario in talk through a different tactic that mom or dad may want to approach rather than that head-on confrontation. Well, this is one of those areas that I think is sort of fun because it applies to husbands and wives as well.

In marriage, but one of the things we know about children is they really dislike questions okay and parents love to ask questions, particularly you moms and asking mom not to ask a question is quite frankly, like asking a fire not to burn, and I've been in seminars where people have stood up and say excuse me, Dr. Lehman.

I've heard you on Focus on the Family for years I respect you and your work. I read some of your books, but I must respectfully disagree. I think it's very important. Like when James comes home from school. I always guess my question how was your day at school honey okay. Let's go through that dog and pony show right now.

How was your day today at school honey fine would you do nothing, having teenager we've been out what to do nothing so that we somehow we think that where the question is they don't like questions. I mean your husband eight questions. He's probably afraid the entire truth. He doesn't like questions and he hates the Y word is a lot. Sometimes we put kids on the defensive and all they do is they just you know both of the Roman text on their bodies and literally shut you out of their life and they live their life that a life that you don't even know their living so learning to say things like, tell me more about that now that's interesting. It's a command in the English language coming. More about that.

You would think that would put up defenses it doesn't. That shows interest. So if your kid says something it's of interest, not why. Okay, how I sounds interesting tell me more about that. That's so true. It is so true. Let's turn to the small audience in here and ask you guys to ask questions of Dr. Lehman with the remaining time we have low and I think you've got a question correct, I'm a grandmother as obvious and some other that our precious nine-year-old granddaughter.

She is very compliant. For the most part she's a firstborn that everyone small and she doesn't get her own way she does this very light. In the little I really think it just frustrates her mother to know and incisive.

Okay mom I'm going be there is that question you want me to ask so that's the question what to do with this precious one. Well, one of the things that Jim asked you earlier is how do you deflect you know some of the stuff you get back from kids now eye for a long time ago my life. I was the youngest child and I found out long time ago I could make people laugh and so I've always tried to teach people hate trying to look at things humorously so when the eye roll comes, you know, which frustrates the leatherneck idea. Try this honey that was so can do that again we do in slow motion, which is all my goodness that was good and in usually that lightens up that kit.

But you know at a later time not right then and there you follow-up and that might be as much as a day later.

Or it might be an hour later, but I go back to some happened earlier. I mean, I saw the look on your face. You are really seem like you are frustrated and I'm all ears and allow the tips in this book is learned to listen. And that's a difficult skill, especially for us as men. Men aren't great listeners, by their nature, women are much better at listening, but just saying honey if you want to talk I'm all ears. And by the way, when those kids want to talk the talk. It might not be convenient for you. It might be at bedtime.

It might be 10 o'clock at night 11 o'clock at night the good parent will take time to listen and get the feeling level of what's going on because sometimes those rolling of the eyes of the slamming of the doors are just the tip of the iceberg that something is going on at school and somebody's been harassing her, or picking on her. Whatever.

That always opens the door so sharing feelings okay opens things up when you become judgmental. It shuts everything down and is really easy to be judgmental and that's probably the point that judgmental. It's very natural for a parent to have the judgmental attitude.

We've lived longer lives. We know what works typically and what doesn't work and that that frustration of the sassy child know the 45-year-old other than using humor and trying to deflate that way. Are there times a parent needs to do the timeout. Oh yeah, I actually indiscipline is great, depending upon where you live.

Always at the when ice give this advice. I think the person lives in apartment building in Los Angeles.

I was that you don't take the L'Engle biter firmly without a lot of words put them outside closed-door locket and let them stay out backyard is a you're kidding me. I'm not getting it all its action oriented, so any type of action oriented things you can do with kids, the better.

I've said for years and consider temperature engine just up over you step over because you have to understand that that that behavior that throwing a temper tantrum was from Peru for you. It's a psychological term is called purposive behavior and so the kid whose smart mild back-and-forth he's a powerful kid.

He's saying I'm in authority over you, a guy named St. Paul said something completely different in Ephesians 6 he said children obey your parents is the right thing to do because God has placed them in what in authority over you and a reminder the God we love, through Jesus Christ, was not authoritarian. He didn't straighten us up doesn't grab us by the scruff of the neck doesn't rub her nose in it is holy words is, every knee shall bow, so were trying to get away from permissiveness.

Okay, I don't care if you are 14 and the entire shoe and away from the authoritarian you will do that. David Busoni Loomis, Ruth Harris, Tammy, those are the two extremes. But if you look at the teachings of Christ. He was always in authority and that's why tell mommy Jill taken a gun from her son ever dads realize you put an indelible imprint on those daughters lives, so be careful with that quick tongue that little rider is the Bible talks about could get you in real trouble. So if you're the critical I'd parent to critical of your son or daughter.

Let's pick on the firstborn, usually their reliable conscientiousness makers now that your firstborn will not be that way. Although be a procrastinator. Don't drag your feet to put it bluntly that the slobs why don't they measure up because every time you try to measure up. They bring home a a 98 on 100 word spelling test. Only you can say you missed two trauma +98. So again, just being positive, looking for the positive goes a long way and drink. And it's good let's get one more Ashley I think you have a question hi I'm Ashley and I have a 14-year-old middle child girl and she is overly apologetic. However, my sign 15 years old, like a linebacker. He when it comes to apologizing for things that you know you should apologize for he's a prideful and takes his hands and how can I help them find that balance well first religious make statement you could beat your 50 know the stick and he is not can I succumb to your desire for him to apologize, but one thing you can do is you can say to him flat out. I am very unhappy turned her back and walk away and turn your back and walking away is essential because I want to see what happens. It's rare when you tell a 15-year-old. I'm very disappointed what just went down here to give him a few minutes he's gonna come back and he's can essentially say mama. Sorry Marlon I sent might be hard for him to get it out telling kids that you're unhappy.

Keep in mind the kids actually want to please us as adults. Your 14-year-old whose when she grows up and they have a family reunion and it rained she's doing the apologizing for everybody because she picked the date okay.

I wrote a book about those people called the women who can't say no. I think that's the name of it but so many people are pleasers by their nature and they please, everybody, and sometimes you have to have a talk with that can't hundred is in life times in life we do not, can you please everybody. Everybody is none like you. There's a great conversation apparent to a child. My granddaughter came to me one day and told me she had 18 likes is not great crampy I should take the truth out to give greater law you want to go through life and be liked by everybody will hang tight and easily very unhappy when people meet my wife. People love my wife IKEA ZIP Codes. People don't like me. I think it's back to. Do you have a protocol do you know we are going as a parent as a family and so these kids sometimes have a conversation with that little pleasers a honey you know I love you because you get a soft heart and your quick to apologize but sometimes I get the feeling, apologizing, just sort of avoid the conversation and I want to make sure you're a strong young woman because we live in a society where the peer group says to your daughter smoked is going to support this.

Do this watch that once in your family repertoire. This can help your kids a normal world it says yes. So I think I'd I would take those little deeper. Take a deep dive on some of that stuff that's good that's really good. Thank you Ashley at Kevin. This is been terrific and I think parents are getting the idea and grandparents to about what were talking about here. Great black eight secrets to raising successful kids I'd like one secret that bigger hits that eight is a bargain and I hope folks will be able to contact us and get a copy when you make a gift of any amount, send it as our way of saying thank you but wait there's more jihad has been bundling the book with an audio download of this broadcast #800 later a inward family or just stop by the website link is in the FSF's Kevin.

I can't wait till tomorrow.

Thanks for being with us need to be here.

Can't wait for tomorrow. Well, on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team.

Thanks for joining us today for this episode of Focus on the Family. I'm John Fuller inviting you back next time.

As we continue the conversation with Dr. Lehman and once again help you and your family thrive in Christ. Christmas memories and making sharing stories with your family that's depicted in the plane from Focus on the Family titled family traditions this story and painted by artist Morgan was a lively family kitchen scene will find a special place in your home and find out how to get a signed version of the special edition print and focusonthefamily.com/family traditions. That's focusonthefamily.com/family traditions