Rescuing Your Marriage from Pornography (Part 2 of 2)

Family helped me by giving me hope when my marriage was gone and hard and gave me a reason to push forward Jennifer almost gave up after her husband's affair.

But today they're still married. There's always more to learn and I'm always go on Jim Daly this season. Help us give families Hope and when you get today. Your donation will be doubled donated focusonthefamily.com/joy on this episode Focus on the Family were returning to very serious heartbreaking issue that puts many marriages at risk. This topic is not suitable for younger listeners you know fighting for the marriage might do something something beyond your greatest expectations is not the problem is the solution to intimacy disorder, you know, fighting for the new level of ability, honesty, and to city before six meeting that's Rosie McKinney describing the devastating impact of pornography and why husbands and wives who are addicted to need to get help right away and offer some help today with Rosie your hostess focus president and author Jim Daly and I'm John Fuller, John. We had an amazing conversation last time with Rosie and we talked about this issue.

Pornography she lived through this crisis in her own marriage and her testimony was very helpful.

At the end of the program. Last time her husband Mark was trapped in a porn addiction and on date eight of their honeymoon. It exposed itself and Rosie gave him an ultimatum. You can have porn or you can have me, but you can have both. And that was something she learned through experience that she needed to take a stand for both of them for his sake and for her sake. As we learned last time pornography can hijack more the brain chemistry. We covered that in detail what if you missed it, get the smart phone app or call us and we'll get it to you through download or go to the website.

However, you can get it, but we talked about the powerful effect pornography has on brain chemistry and the way that it it grabs you and hold you for that dopamine hit the feeling of happiness that you get from it, but it's empty. It's an illusion and she really covered that yesterday. I'm looking forward to furthering this discussion and let me tell you, I get it.

Were talking about. Yeah, intimacy in marriage, but remember this is God's gift to us. Certainly, as Christian couples.

He gave us physical intimacy as his wedding present and that we want to make sure that you're not messing that up let's have healthy marriages so that we can reach the, the lost, to help them in their journey toward Christ and if this is a struggle in your relationship. We would directly to our counseling team we have caring Christian counselors. They field a lot of calls about this very topic and other phone call away.

I will schedule a consultation when you call 800 K and the word family 800-232-6459 and I we do have copies of Rosie's book flight for love. It is an excellent resource capturing her story. A lot of the details that she shared about the brain science in the previous program and it's available to you. We also have other resources as well.

It's all in our website and you'll find the link in the show notes Rosie, welcome back to Focus on the Family. Thank you.

Great to be back a week said this throughout the program. Last time this is such a difficult topic. We hit the number of Christian men that are affected.

It's not stunning to think about it, something like 78% of men and 55% of married men, particularly so these are high numbers within the church and the world's about the same number so you know, obviously this is an area of our hearts that were not letting the Lord reign over and were covering it up. I was thinking last time Rosie certainly on parenting programs. Little boys we have an issue with shame. We don't like being caught. We are, you know, we respond very hard to shame, to the point where you can even look your mom's eyes when you're caught right and I know that particularly women, psychologist Christians have talked about that you don't force your boy to look you in the eye let them mull that over and I think in this topic.

It's that same little boy that is so ashamed of what they're doing and it's hard for them to admit it.

It's hard for them to ask for help. Their lost innocence and it gives me tears even thinking about it. They're just still that little boy that doesn't know what to do doesn't know how to ask for help and that you really covered that yesterday with how addiction works and what these men are facing in his the thing.

Shame is driving the penalty. It's a coping mechanism managing what's happening on the outside. In order to manage what's happening on the inside and set you absolutely right, and it's a vicious cycle because the more they did it, the more shame they are, the more shame now they won't have to do any disguise man-to-man amount which is why we winning have to be really bright and stand up and throw them a lifeline, because quite often with the only ones who knows it's happening because you cannot go back in the we touched on this last time that I want to go deeper to that response.

We talked about when all of those instincts.

A woman has a better husband come to reality bone.

Now I know either through his confession or what have you found it what whatever that emotion that's in you I eat. For some women this is the dagger. This is the one thing that is betrayal to me.

It's putting a knife right through my heart emotionally and I'm not enough. All those things that a woman is going to think. Let's revisit that initial response and the good things that you can do in that moment, and perhaps the harmful things you can do it. I'm really glad that you've gone that you actually write 75% of whites fanatics think at some point it's baffle we rainy day and the reason that it's not data. We just got sex. It's because it's a rupture in an attachment with your primary attachment figure, so it doesn't matter that they might not be physically acting out with somebody up to our brain we still register it as a primal survival threat. My primary source of attachment is now a mass eruption because I have now discovered that our entire life together has been based on a lie is not just the behavior that's bad enough. The thought of it is just terrific.

But it's the deception it's not you. You sent me your entire history has just been ended. Delta jetport uses this fantastic analogy of a filing cabinet, which is what you make sense of things and it's how you able to predict the future and feel safe because by looking at that, the past you able to predict the future what happens when you cost adjustment ripped up and friendly with the flow.

You feel absolutely unsafe.

It really does register as a primal threat, you will survival which is why women half unit women of porn takes the same symptoms as trends the same PTSD, which is astonishing and stable people who got what wife doesn't know doesn't have to type you cannot build intimacy on deception because the wife even before she knows what's going on she knows on a bodily level that something is wrong and that betrayal trauma is real have brain is as addled by the trauma is deception brain is addled by the diction and this hits the way he has rerouted his brain now to cope with anything by using seatbelt both in crisis write both dysfunctional that both and I'm so often in the past. Historically, we have labeled on the wife as co-dependent because she's she's angry she's snooping. She's doing all these things, but now fortunately I we look at everything through a trauma lens that was the reason why you are constantly asking questions of your husband just displays actually yet have a problem with but okay all, whatever it is he's disclosing. Normally, when you sent something traumatic you bring as I don't think about that anymore. But when it's betrayal you bring us what I now need to establish safety. I need to work out all the details and ask questions again and again and again and gets labeled as dysfunction and you need to stop doing that she needs to do. That said, this is why she needs help he needs help you. He's not willing to help. She can write well course just that gut wrenching reality and now what do you describe the vital role Christian wives can play in helping their husbands recover from this point addiction and you point to first Peter three which instructs wives how to be a witness to their husbands. How does that apply. Great question, why didn't I delete that would be great. I can't say this is one piece at three in the same way wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands say that even if some disobeyed what they may be won over with how to wed. By the way that wine Smith when they have is that you peel reference sites case that it's definitely acknowledging that you need to submit to your husband how I saw your primary submission is to God and that it's pointing to the fact that repentance can be paroled through him upsetting appeal different behavior and I just women need to head that he hasn't forgotten them. He sees that case and he's already provided a solution.

He suggests falling me do what I say I will do the rest. You have to persuade him. You don't have to convince him CCO striving you nagging just focus on what the Lord is telling you to do, which is key. People south your family and your household. Peel and he will write in the summary of that is you through your own godly behavior. Put the fear God and your husband and I mean someone will say I've been at that for years and he doesn't seem to fear God will that so I sent you reach out to our community, and you get surrounded by other women who can help you keep going help you keep and also educate you because you need results. It's really hot because I'm fortunate the Bastille is you probably can get pushback not because he's a bad husband mean he wants to cut you, but because he is enslaved to this demonic bondage and everything in him is fighting tooth and nail to present his supply because it's the only thing that helps him cope with the Centeno things you have an example of Gideon explained that how this circumstance applies to Gideons experience. I love the story of Gideon, especially because he was actually visited by an angel. He knew he was working full and old. When he told him to pull down this the actual pole and where they will wishing battle he was instructed. He saw an angel.

He knew he got today. So what did he win tonight anybody to know he done it is not just us doesn't need us to be perfect. He knows that we can be shaky and we can eat. But that's okay, it's through weakness, that he displays his strength and his glory. So it's okay to be wobbly. It's okay.

And then he took it at night and he took it and he chopped down this actual pole that will wishing and he used it fire that he then on, used as a sacrificial offering that he took down what was being used to glorify Satan to actually glorify God we doing here. That's why I'm unit. He publicly Sharon was one of the most potentially shameful things about me, my family and my husband but I'm here to say this is such a Christian witness and why I believe that the greatest threat to the cause of Christ which is Conoco fate could be our greatest tool of evangelism.

We don't have an incredible Christian witness because we don't have a problem. We have a great Christian witness because we acknowledge that we do not we have a powerful Savior who can sign all around the jewel people.

People want the help they want the sap that married women spread desperate and I mean your experiences is right there in front of everyone on your book explains that what you and Mark went through. Let me address the secrets you alluded to that this idea of the secrets are unhealthy in marriage and maybe not have to go and all your details of being a teenager or twentysomething, but the idea that you know when your withholding things because of shame or because of consequences that you might face. Describe why you need to keep secrets out of the marriage. While this is the whole hub should I say all of addiction. It's the secrets you like guys you want to try desperately to defeat the Samaritan I say will I confess I confess my pretzels. It's a unit it's still a secret you need to unit vertically and horizontally as well as vertically scriptural to one John 17 walk in the light as he is in the light and then Jesus Christ his son will cleanse you from is the whole foundation of recovery woke in the night you have to do in order to kick this addiction you have to fully shack who you with other people and if you take it from a completely different perspective and they look at why people at this place and it's all to do with actual attachment trauma that they've experienced because when they were hunting. There was no one back to sooth them. This is how we build attachment bill security. What happens in a grave as they become attachment for guessing Shaklee really all you really think what you really done Republican until the way home and they still know you and they still love you and then you put that together with the wife who now knows everything about you and you know everything about her because she's now sharing ha ha that she's hidden for so long because she so frightened and you are both walking in the light is enticing.

It smells irresistible. I really do think recovery will we have a community husbands us ASAP. Certified sex addictions therapist that we have now created a community of recovering couples. The freedom those barbecues is incredible, and the fellowship because you think I unit people he just met you can get deep so quickly because no one is hiding right spews, but it's what Chet should be you Rosie, let me turn the corner on this again.

Your emphasis has been husbands were addicted to porn.

We do want to take the last quarter here which actually fits the statistics ironically know about the 75% of men are addicted to porn it's the men 75% of time. One in four women are now in that category as well.

So, roughly 25%.

In that context, it's just it's not just women but women and girls describe what is, why are they being lowered into that with their brain chemistry and what's happening for women and girls when it comes up in order for great question so often people struggle to accept that women and girls looking up to no good faith that they want to do that terrific look what's happening to the women not appreciating the brains work in exactly the same way just as susceptible to becoming addicted to it because the hijacking of the ribald center that we covered in the lost sight is the same mechanism exactly the same and what they did that. She put on men and men and women in functional MRI machines and expose them to arouse material and the brains light up in exactly the same way, exactly the same and so there's a lot of misconceptions that women visually that doesn't work and it is just not true. The signs is that now there seems to be a little greater barrier and it would show the date of only 25% of women well use porn were 75% of men do well. I think I direct think will happen in 20th time because the younger you guys younger demographics, not numbers much higher when 30% 30.

I don't want to visit my 33% 35% which country naturally that is growing so I do feel that we have a diminishing window of opportunity to actually reach people because majority of guys are doing it on young women to doing it. Children all just drowning in this stuff is like a face like a group of women who didn't grow up with is that that brings addicted to this who are able to stand up and fight and that's who I'm speaking to the caution you're giving. There's a couple decades we could see the number being at parity with men. For women, you have a story about bringing former porn addict to your church to speak and something happened that was very dramatic there.

What happened this is some really he was in the book, and she held what she think she was like 20 at the time when she gave testimony so she stood up and shed.

How will they. She was in a student came from a good loving family.

She's on the balloting. The swim team unit go. She got hopelessly addicted age 10 to pornography, so she shed this and shed how it made her feel and how she was so scared to come forward and I would understand, and I was to have a mother's testimony in the book about how they knew something was wrong but had no comprehension. This could be the issues that I never asked the question, my 10-year-old fate. You wouldn't think that which is sitting in the audience listening to this she was at the church well said this is simply stood up and had testimony that we had in the audience. That was a 10-year-old elk thing that and how mom bring me out the day off to its onset.

As we were driving home my Delta presentation confess that this struggle with a very honest little girl and such freedom. We had kids who've given him, stopping at age 14, and given the testimonies who got hooked H and II think we underestimate the potential and the power of empowering our young people by giving them the choice because those who been through this have seen the damage that is cool with that and on the other side they want to govern test unit get the testimonies to other kids and rescue them. You know, let's empower the people that we have that's where want to go toward the end. Here is one of those next steps. I'm sure this broadcast is going to stir the pot, some couples were to hear this. I can imagine a wife is to listen to this and she's can be at home tonight. Couples get ready for bed. Guess what I heard him focus today. Do you struggle with that and now he's got answer one or the other.

He may cover up or he may say that I do and look at the data, it's likely he is and that's what's startling the question is what are those next steps.

Let's assume that conversations can happen today because they heard program. Well I would say a good way to start a conversation is to throw us under the Boston Cyclops listening to this podcast and it mentioned that guys who do this all in bondage and every faithful coming forward. When was the last time you looked at not, do you because in the headset guy struggle and really went and how often the company from a position of I want to see whether we have this problem does something wrong with the intimacy in a relationship you don't sing happy.

I want to I want to investigate whether this is a problem in marriage to the next.

That's all you need to find help you need. Find the right help you job is not to fix him. Remember, you didn't close this, you can't control this and you; cure your job is not to fix him but to get him to somebody can face up to somebody who can as well so there are tools that Apollo flight is a really narrow pathway. I always think of it like Lord of the rings felt that going up the mountain and highly paid and it's really narrow, but you just have to stick on that flight and follow the light have to follow the night of the mountain and it is scary how the many, many people have done it before and are tools in the book light is played important you do full disclosure really important for both of them – things like celibacy and safety patents and pot ascetic.

This only things but under the supervision of someone qualified someone who was wept and don't just go to someone familiar with that you can get grace you might know countries you need need someone who's experienced in this I read on parts of my whole ministry is to do the legwork for you because it's really hot and amazing Christian recovery community that mystical have no idea exists. Once you stick your head underwater and sees recovery community and the lease really amazing cool people on the outside recovery.

It's life-changing is liberating that we double the legwork for you will be complete. Even all the right action. Yeah, that's really good and you hit a couple things at them there about when you're rebooting celibacy at that moment safety plan. Those are all things that are in the book.

We can't cover it all show, but Rosie this has been extensive and I think a very informative two days of discussing this topic of pornography. You know the goal again at Focus on the Family is to provide you with all the tools you need to have the healthiest marriage you can have with the data that Rosie assured him that many people are aware of now husbands and some wives that are addicted to pornography. This is a core problem in our Christian community, let alone the world and I'm so grateful to you for being vulnerable and talking about it. This is in some I'm sure you thought of on day one in your marriage but on day eight.

It happened and you know you confrontative and you have learned a lot both you and Mark about how to deal with it and I'm grateful for digging in rather than giving up.

This is a lot who you are. It is, I think about this this morning.

I think myself, don't cry when you get back because I can remember where I was off to the honeymoon. I can remember where eyeballs and how alone and hopeless.

And if I had someone to hold my hand and say what has happened to you is not right and you don't have to put up with this and he needs help you need help, and there is hope, and you can have the marriage that you dreamed he is uniting, shining, he's just buried under this addiction. If I could tell myself that then it would make all the difference. So I hope that's what I've managed to do today to just tell people that you not telling every type, such tremendous type will allows you to have breath that probably feels like the breath of squeezed out of you in that moment. And if you're where Rosie was cost today get in touch with the swift current Christian counselors we have lots of resources including Rosie's great book fight for love. That's what we're here to do for you fight for your marriage, and for the intimacy that God intended for you to have as a couple completely transparent, open and honest, so contact us right away. And if you can send a gift of any amount to Focus on the Family will put a copy.

Rosie's book in your hands as our way of saying thank you for caring enough about your marriage or the marriage of someone you know younger number is 800 K and work-family 800-232-6459 or donate online. Get the book and connect with the many resources we have for you@focusonthefamily.com/broadcast Rosie again, thank you for being with us and please be sure to thank Mark your husband when you get home thinking forces well you have incurred so many and we really appreciate on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team here.

Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back once again help you and your family thrive in Christ. I was shocked when she gave me the divorce papers. I was so done I had reached my breaking point. I was desperate for a shred of hope. So I called the hope restored team at Focus on the Family they they listen to me and they asked about what was happening in my marriage.

They encouraged me and my wife to attend one of their marriage intensive's for couples in crisis and they prayed with us. They help me believe that my marriage could be saved agreed to go but was skeptical that anything could help us but the whole environment was so safe and nonjudgmental.

I felt my heart open up this way, what the counselors both of us still have work to do in her marriage but for the first time in a long time we have hope again Focus on the Family's hope restored marriage intensive program has helped thousands of couples who thought that their marriage was over. Find out which program is right for you and hope restored.com