Going All Out for Your Wife (Part 1 of 2)

Tony really struggled in his marriage. His wife seemed incompatible and headed toward divorce together through to work it out go to distant on Jim Daly this season. Help us give families hope and when you get today. Your donation will be doubled donated focusonthefamily.com/joy hi this is Jim Daly and today is Veterans Day in the US and remembrance day in Canada a day set aside to pay tribute to all veterans of our Armed Forces including those who gave their lives for their country. Let's thank them for their service. I've never had the privilege of wearing uniform but I've had the pleasure of knowing many men and women in the Armed Forces, including my own brother Mike, who served with US Navy during Vietnam, and on this special day I think of the words of Jesus who said that the greatest form of love is to lay down your life for your friends.

So next time you see a veteran let me encourage you to say thank you to them pay for their coffee or their meal at a restaurant. Express your appreciation some tangible way and you can thank their families who also make sacrifices while their loved ones are away from home.

Also, please join me in praying for veterans asking the Lord to bless them for their service and sacrifice. We owe each person a debt of gratitude.

When you got married did you make a valid and included this kind of phrasing for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, with he did listen onto today's Focus on the Family because we have encouragement, especially for men who are keeping that promise.

Anybody can be committed with better but the test of commitment is what is worse, worse than you ever thought would be anybody can be committed to the test of commitment is when you lost your job, or when the money is not there.

Anybody can be committed when there's help, but the test of commitment is when the six that's popular speaker Steve for our and we have a message from him today on Focus on the Family with your host focus. President Jim Daly John today's message will be a great one for men, but I want to tell women to stay with us because I think you can enjoy our guest as well. In fact the last time we aired the show.

A wife wrote in to say thank you for airing this message from Steve for our my hubby has been making huge changes in doing all he can to implement these ideas. I'm so grateful that I step aside and let God work in his heart, man. Wow that is perfect is a great story and one important point she makes about allowing God to work in her husband's heart is all right John, if you're a believer in Jesus Christ.

You have access to the Holy Spirit and he can create change in the heart of either of you, and that's a great source of hope to hold onto. So if your marriages may be more worse than better. Don't despair. Focus on the Family is here for you and we want to encourage you we have resources, tools, counseling and in-depth marriage intensive's if that's what you need that will talk about that at the end of the program today and Steve for our as we continue. Here is the founder and chairman of men's leadership ministries.

He was a pastor for 15 years but now devotes all of his time to leaving men deeper in their walk with Christ in with their families. He's written a number of books over the years and what we hear today is from his bestseller point man how a man can lead his family here now Steve for our speaking to over 50,000 men at a promise keepers events at the Charlotte motor Speedway in North Carolina was out fishing one morning with his dad. Not a lot was happening as they were waiting for a bite young polar bears a dead guy ask a question spot as it was your son what is it is a dead my hundred percent polar bear decibel so your hundred percent polar bear. I'm hundred percent polar bear. My folks hundred percent polar bear. My grandparents always line your hundred percent your mother. She's 100% polar bear folks her grandparents both sides on your hundred percent polar bear the thought makes it so I would US your hundred percent polar bear little guy looked at his dad's dad, I'm freezing out here. You guys are hundred percent married.

Let me see your hand.

You know, sometimes even over 100% married. We don't always feel married. I heard about a guy recently in Dallas where I live, and he had a horrible week.

On Monday he found out a deal.

He'd been working on for several months and he'd been counting on Phil through it wasn't going to get the commission on Tuesday he missed a major deadline because of some things beyond his control, his boss got on by Wednesday. All he wanted to do was just survive till Friday. Things just kept getting worse and all he wanted to do as he said in his office Wednesday afternoon, so I just want to make the Friday I want to get home. Have some dinner and and watch the ballgame while he finally made it to Friday things to get worse he's in traffic going home.

It's gridlock, it's like he's going to promise keepers. It's unbelievable.

He wanted to get some walks in the door and there's his wife standing there and she's all dressed up.

Obviously, ready to go and she can tell by his face.

He doesn't have a clue and she said sweetheart.

You obviously forgot were having dinner with the Wilson's. He said all know he's I don't want to see since we got, we canceled twice. We have to go is okay let me just get a quick shower and a shave wanted to pull the car around front will go said fine you get to shower, shave, he walks out and his wife is standing by the car next to it in the cars run. She's got a strange look on her face and and she says, sweetheart. I'm sorry I locked the keys in the car. What you know what that was that guy just lost it. You guys ever heard of some called displaced anger all the anger from what it happened at the office that we just came out on his wife and he looked at her and said you know honey I don't know how God to make someone so beautiful and so cotton taken stupid harsh thing to say but she knew this guy and she knew he was under pressure and she said will sweetheart. I'm sure it's for our benefit.

He looked at her he said you know I believe God made me beautiful so you could love me and made me stupid so I could love you.

I couldn't believe it when Mary said that to me you gentlemen, this is great to see all these guys here in Charlotte, North Carolina.

It's great to see what God is doing and gentlemen we all need to understand something as we gather here if you're a guy who loves your wife if you're a guy who loves her kids you need understand that if you follow Christ doing you need understand my friend the world war the Scriptures of told us in Ephesians chapter 6. The church is always been at war, but it seems over the last few decades, that the enemy is training his full assault forces on the Christian family.

There is an enemy out there was very, very real and there's an enemy gentleman who has I believe a twofold strategy for every Christian guy that's in this racetrack this morning. He has a twofold strategy for you. He is a twofold strategy for me just quickly twofold strategy is number one.

He wants to alienate and eventually sever the relationship that you enjoy with your wife.

It used to be.

Our laws Families from divorcing, but then we changed our laws and we made it easy for men and women to leave their commitment. The Scripture says this for this cause a man shall leave his father and mother and shall cleave to his wife and the two shall become one, that's God's plan. You and your wife are one flesh.

If you love Jesus Christ.

There's an enemy who hates your guts. He wants divorce to get your home that we got divorced guys here. I will tell you some.

I'm glad you're here. Some of the most teachable guys ever in my life or guys have been through the heartbreak of a divorce, were glad you're here. Those of us who were married. Those of us were remarried. We don't want that to happen we want to be aware of what the enemy is up to in our lives. World war guys.

That's why I was in the shower. One morning I was thinking about the fact of the families at war and how many families are going down. I thought about the fact that if that if you're a husband and father. Love you guys were in the military so you guys were my generation, some you guys were over in Vietnam and some you guys know what is on a particular day to be chosen in your delete on that day.

A small patrol.

Maybe it's a reconnaissance mission, which is appointment walking the point and your leadership is critical to the survival of your men were at war in this nation over the family and if you're a husband and father. You're the point you're not leading a bunch of guys you leading your wife and kids to the moral chaos of the nation it's lost its moral compass and the enemy is trying to bring us down.

Gentlemen that's a fact of the matter is I'm just curious as you know, you guys here served our nation over in Vietnam. What you guys stand up. That's what should happen when you guys came home. We appreciate with another conflicts maybe you are not raising to walk the point over there. Maybe you were in World War II. Maybe you are in the Korean conflict was in the Civil War here server.

Glad your breathing guys. The point is more he wants to neutralize me. He wants me to keep me from leaving our issue right now is on the marriage relationship. Gentlemen, we used to have laws in this nation that made it hard to divorce.

We are watching an old movie from the 40s not too long on the whole plot of the movie the guy was a businessman, had a nice family. Several kids you know beautiful wife got involved with the secretary at the office decided he was in love with her and wanted to divorce his wife and area secretary. The movie was set in 1948. The whole plot of the movie was his wife wouldn't grant him a divorce because in 1948. If a guy wanted to leave his wife on a whim. The law prevented him from doing that and you could do it in 1958, but in the 60s and 70s, things started changing this nation, we came up with something called no-fault divorce, but a year ago my wife called me. I picked up the phone as soon as I heard a voice I knew something was wrong and she said Steve I've had an accident why my wife had been involved in an automobile accident. I had to question question number one was you know what was. Are you all right she assured me she was fine.

Okay.

We established that was my second question I knew they were dominant in his room.

My second question was Mary's fault was it what she told me she said Steve I'm driving down LBJ North Dallas on the freeway, but 55 is guys next to me and all of a sudden just all of a sudden these two cars metaphysically on their own decided to come together their own solution was nobody's fault is it makes sense to me. I didn't say that no and she told me she was stopped and someone hit from behind. It was clear whose fault was you gentlemen, we can't make our spouses do what's right. We need to be concerned about about ourselves doing what's right. You know, gentlemen. This is called I love when all said a couple years ago.

He said this thing is not called promise makers is called promise keepers. That's what this thing was is this from the world. You see you guys when we walk down that aisle and we made that valve to our wife we said something like this. We said that we would be committed for better or worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer.

You know, gentlemen.

Anybody can be committed. Anybody can be committed with better but the test of commitment is what is worse, worse than you ever thought it would be anybody can be committed richer but it's the test of commitment is when you lost your job, or when the money is not there. Anybody can be committed when there's health but the test of commitment is when there's sickness. We need some men in this nation are men who will follow through with their commitments. We need to see a revival in this nation and this is why God is filling stadiums around this nation. He's looking for some guys to follow through and finish strong for them and their very I have the privilege every year about speaking to three or four NFL teams. Every NFL team five hours before kickoff has a chapel service and earlier this year, actually last year in the fall. I was up in Wisconsin so I did a chapel service for the Packers and it was I was at Lambeau Field.

And yes, a great old stadium. I don't think W Stadium in Green Bay.

There's just too much Through their but across the street. The Packers built a beautiful multimillion dollar facility indoor fields after turf, state-of-the-art, what are the things you'll find there is that they have some small theater people that don't know a lot about football have a misconception. I think football coaches and football players spend the majority of time outside, especially in the NFL. That's not true football players and coaches for the majority of their time inside in the dark. Why the watching film average NFL team I been told to watch their upcoming opponent to watch the last three or four games and they won't want to just want wanted two and three time when those coaches will be in that film room one in the morning watching that film for the six time and all of a sudden José number 66. Every time that guy runs that sweet stance.

Every time he runs that sweet he sets his stance on his left foot he sets up 6 inches back with his left foot again. He doesn't do that.

On the other and so does linebacker TR 66 is left foot when he sets his left foot back that your tip he's going around that sweet why they want so much film why guys they want to know their opponent and they want to know his habits.

They want to know his tendencies. They want to know his weaknesses might tell you guys some Satan watches your game films and he watches mine and he knows my habits. He knows my tendencies. He knows my weaknesses.

He knows that when I get tired I get irritable. He knows that I can be impatient. He knows it is very easy for me just to fly and say a harsh word without thinking to my wife.

I do that earlier this week I spoke in Alanna four weeks ago and the same thing happened to me every time before I come to speak on one of the things about marriage. I screw up. I knew I was being honest with me say something about that gentleman.

The easiest thing in the world is to stand up here and teach this stuff.

The hardest thing in the world is to go home and live it out but that Jason guys standing up here speaking which is guys we deal with things like you deal with things. That's why the focus here is not on any individual, except the Lord Jesus Christ is the perfect one. He's the one we focus on.

From how is it possible the enemy is doing everything he knows my habits my tendencies my weaknesses. He knows how to drive a wedge between me and my wife was at the guys start. How is it that they don't finish strong because the enemy gets them off in the marriage. You know what I want to hit the finish line married to the same woman that I married today and you do to. Again, you may say, Steve already been picked and through to the board. I've been through three divorce, marriage, number four only say this if you my friend, by the power of the living spirit of Jesus Christ. Then you you make this marriage work. You implement the principles.

Let's finish strong with our commitments where we are right we can go back and forth. You see, were talking about keeping commitments in 1519. Hernando Cortez undertook this responsibility. Load 11 ships hundreds of men and went to Mexico. He did know was awaiting him, but he felt like there was pressure like there is some conquest possibilities. They landed at Veracruz and then the men unloaded their stuff as they were going up the cliffs and making their way and they did know if there were to live. They did know if there were to be attacked.

They did not there to be diseases but is there going up that mountainside. As they got the guys yelled and suddenly back down. The bay hundreds and hundreds of feet down with a father 11 ships under 11 ships are all going up in flames. All 11 ships were burned and there was nothing they could do what happen how to catch fire Cortez ships on fire because what he did. He cut off the escape route. He made sure those guys were committed.

They had finished because there is no escape gentleman. We need to burn our ship divorce is where sponsor for more than thousand men who were promise keepers event in North Carolina hearing Steve for our as he shared a heartfelt message about the importance of men showing leadership in their marriages.

Jon, I love this message from Steve for our especially since it flies in the face of what we hear from our culture that you know the world says if your marriage doesn't work out just get a divorce and move on. You deserve to be happy. But as we've seen over the years, especially since no-fault divorce became the law of the land. People are not happier after they break up. In fact, the divorce rates are even higher in second and third marriages, so divorce is not the answer.

Delicious burn that ship. As Steve said, and see what we can do to make our marriages better and by the way, happiness is not the goal is a Christian godliness should be your goal and godliness is something that you can pursue right now in your marriage. In fact it's an excellent place to start. Show your spouse you love them by doing an active service like when Jesus washed the feet of his disciples, that you know I don't always get this right, but I have a good example from a few years ago when we had a long-term foster care placement and the kids were just toddlers. I could see Jean was getting pretty burned out, caring for those two toddlers and our two teen boys and so I encouraged her to go to a woman's retreat that focus was hosting.

I briefly said I think you need those two nights away and I'll take care of the kids. Now don't get me wrong, I was panicking inside.

Trust me, how am I going to do this over a whole weekend that my equipped but you know what we got through it that we had lots of pizza change since you first but it gave her a much needed break and I think that's a good example of an attempt to wash my wife's feet.

That is really commendable. Jim, I applaud you for stepping in like that. That really is an active service for a lot of guys. Sorry guys. And it is interesting those in the gym that even though we have good marriages. We really have to be deliberate in our efforts to meet the needs of her spouse, but I gotta think about it, it just doesn't come naturally and it is easy to forget for me how Dena needs me to love her. I'm using Dr. Gary Chapman's love languages I've learned in over the years. This is been pretty consistent Dena's languages are quality time in service, and if she says I'm going out for a walk. What I need to say is, let me go with you. She's kind of bidding for my attention and wants a connection, so pardon me may not want to go but I serve her well if I just say yeah let's set aside some time will connect that way. But there is a natural friction between what I need to get done and what needs from me in my relationship does need for me to choose to nurture and feed into her needs as much as I can. We have to be intentional about it that Jean really responds to words of affirmation, I mean who doesn't. But for her. That is her love language. She blossoms I give her those encouraging words and the opposite is true. Criticism is really painful for her and for people in that category. So if your spouse responds to words of affirmation, be careful when criticism or correction needs to be spoken yeah and if you need help with some serious aspects of what were talking about here today get in touch with one of our caring Christian counselors.

They can offer a free consultation over the phone and you can schedule that when you click the link in the show notes and for marriages that are really struggling to ask about our hope restored marriage intensive's we have an incredible success rate and I am grateful to the Lord for this. Let's give him the recognition over 80% of the couples that complete that program say that they are doing well and are much happier. Two years later when we do that survey in many of these couples were on the brink of divorce when they first came to see us at hope restored. Here's a note from Janice who attended just a few years ago.

She said I arrived feeling very hopeless and skeptical. My wounds were to fresh my husband revealed his affair just three weeks before I was terrified of airing our dirty laundry in front of a group of strangers.

I was completely out of my comfort zone but from the very beginning I felt God's love in this place. I was able to open my heart to our group and I understood my husband's heart for the first time we were able to connect in a way I never thought possible.

That's great. She went on to say we have a long road ahead, but I believe we have the tools to make the journey you want to find so fascinating is that is not an unusual letter. It's pretty typical of the feedback we hear from those who go to hope restored and as you said were so grateful to God for how he's worked through those marriage intensive's that part of Focus on the Family that's so true John that we have hundreds of letters just like this one. So if you're in that spot. If you feel like your marriage is hanging by a thread.

Don't hesitate, don't be embarrassed. Don't wait until it's too late to call us so you can get the help you need today, and if you'd like to partner with us in helping these marriages. Please make a generous donation to Focus on the Family were doing all we can to strengthen marriages and bring families hope. In fact, over 100,000 couples say we help them through a major marital crisis over the past year, but we can't do it alone.

We need your financial support and certainly we need your prayers. So please get in touch with us by phone or online today and when you give will say thank you by sending you a CD of this message from Steve for our for a donation of any amount and you can do that when you call 800 the letter a in the word family 800-232-6459 or donate online and request your CD to pass on to a friend of the link is in the episode notes if you enjoyed today's program. Please tell a friend to tune in next time is Steve for our explains more benefits of having a 100% commitment to your marriage, like the impact that has on your children. We let dad that they know in our heart that is thoroughly and totally committed to their mother.

If you want your boys and you want your daughters to grow up and have gotten married and you sold them with a copy.

Marriage looks like that's our job on behalf of the entire team. Thanks for listening to this Focus on the Family podcast take a moment please help us spread the word about this encouraging programs reading Apple podcast or wherever you and I'm John Fuller inviting you back next time. As we once again help your family thrive in Christ.

I was shocked when she gave me the divorce papers. I was so time I reached my breaking point. I was desperate for a shred of hope. So I called the hope restored team. It Focus on the Family they they listen to me and they asked about what was happening in my marriage encouraged me and my wife to attend one of their marriage intensive's for couples in crisis and they prayed with us. They help me believe that my marriage could be saved agreed to go but was skeptical that anything can help us. The whole environment was so safe and nonjudgmental from a high-tech as we work with the counselors. Both of us still have work to do in her marriage but for the first time in a long time we have hope again Focus on the Family's hope restored marriage intensive program has helped thousands of couples who thought that their marriage went over find out which program is right for you@hoperestored.com