Cultivating a Kingdom Marriage (Part 2 of 2)

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For the first time I felt like my husband truly heard me. I received some great tools from the counselors of change my life and my marriage to begin the journey of finding health go to hope restored.com today today on Focus on the Family Dr. Tony Evans talks about the servant attitude that's necessary to have a strong marriage is the key thing you want to do calculus question that question that nothing but fall in love asked the question, they do serve a double. Dr. Evans is our guest again today on Focus on the Family and has more to say about humility and service and doing marriage God's way, your host is focused president Dr. Jim Daly and Anjan John Tony Evans has been a great friend to this ministry for many years and we also love having him on the broadcast as often as we can. Our listeners love it because he is very gifted at explaining God's word and applying it to our lives in today sure about God's plan for marriage. We mentioned last time that his wife Lois went to be of the Lord almost 2 years ago after 49 years of marriage. She was really a special lady and you'll hear Tony talking about their relationship in the broadcast.

Tony Evans is the senior pastor of Oak Cliff Bible Fellowship in the Dallas Texas area. His books have been read by millions and Focus on the Family partnered with him to publish the book's kingdom marriage, so this recorded conversation is built around Tony.

It's great to have you back in Focus on the Family.

It's always going to be back with you in the focused attorney last time we left off with a couple things that were nagging at me. One is in marriage in Christian marriage, particularly it set idea of selflessness, but it's not what we think about and were so saturated with nihilism.

The whole culture is about me me me me me and frankly, our kids are growing up even more saturated in that environment and their feeling like the whole world revolves around me and they get in the marriage and find out know it doesn't and it creates great conflict and people, especially younger people, but those in their 50s and 60s to our divorcing because they're no longer getting their needs met and I'm looking at you with puppy dog eyes Tony because it really is about me feeling better about my life isn't and we in the Christian community man we could talk ourselves into this.

I'm not feeling joy I feel nothing.

The pressure cook for that guy. Why don't I work for that guy. Why do I work for that woman. I mean it's all these things at the enemy feeds us and we don't just stop and say Lord forgive me because I am not becoming more like you. I'm becoming more like the enemy. What in the question, is the answer because the way you postured it was excellent. I am not becoming more like the whole point of creating marriage was to take us out of ourselves.

When Jesus was on earth he said I've come to do my father's will.

And then he translated that to his disciples when he took a basin in the tell and serve them so to be so prideful that you lose a servants heart is to say you better than Jesus, and most Christians would want to say that but we function that way truly ability is being small in your own eyes.

It doesn't mean that you are insignificant, but it does mean that I am not so self absorbed that I am unwilling and unable to make the life of somebody else better. You have many parents who are abusing the children because they don't want that child interfering with their lives and that abuse come to different levels mates abuse one another because they don't want that interference in their lives, which means you have to understand when you take that posture you have repelled God from his involvement with you because you're being so unlike what he is God so loved the world that he gave didn't have to didn't need to. But love prompted him to.

So the question is do you want to be more like him will do, it will be be more like the devil because that is the choice before you in lack of humility or a willingness to be a servant under God with your family and every that is that's such a path what you're talking about this time and last time is such a pathway. If we could actually get a hold of it and apply it in our lives which you know again for me on the next football player one the toughest things in my life is losing weight and but it's that thing my doctor said it will simply hate you got eat less calories in your weight will go down it says statistical and scientific proof.

You know, if you eat fewer calories you lose weight. Why do we struggle not just with that but intermarriages like this that it is so self-evident what needs to be done, especially for those of us in the Christian faith. Yet we still don't do it. Why because our ears are tuned into the world and because the world has become so dominant with media, with social media.

With the people we hang out with. If you hang out with selfishness, selfish is what you will become. You become what you hang out with. So you got to hang out with influences. That's why God calls us to serve the ministry to force us into benefiting others and not just seeking for others to benefit us so we called you of the family called it with fellow believers recalled even do that out of the world. So when listening to the wrong voices and what weapons thing is when we about the worldly way of thinking and acting.

The Bible says we lose the love of the father and first John two, so now asking God to serve us, and thereby wants to be blessed by one's God. Serve them while we are rebellious without servant hood attitude toward others and then wonder why we not hearing from heaven.

That's why that is so straight and true. It's amazing talk about the benefit of humility you touched on it, but I want to expand on that a bit.

What is it look like to be humble in marriage because a lot of people a lot of men must speak from the man's perspective we see that is weak. Joshua Lyman are the biggest guys on the field for ever serving the smaller guy called the quarterback to get what I would get hit and beat both their serving for three hours to protect this guy because of the bigger goal down the field, you would have to conclude since Jesus was the servant of all that he was the weakest of all or the Bible calls in the greatest of all, to which every knee will bow since the greatest of you. Jesus said, will be your servant. The man is more manly and more mannish when he out serves his wife so to make a list with what she does for you on one side, what you do phone on the other side in your list is shorter than her list. She's the greater and the family even though you call yourself the king of the house and hurt me who would not look servant of all, the greatest of your servant that her love you… Are they getting you what does the list look like for you and Lois well for certain things that I know she wants me to do. She has a place where should the regular things like on the trash guy know I'm the guy cleaned up the regular but then there are things that come up that she makes this list and the list is put in a certain place every day and she wants me to fulfill that list it it when I do that list I have met her needs because she needs me to do that some of those things on the list.

I look at it and say that you could do that, you know you can get one of the kids to get WHAT they could do that. She wants me to do it. Pride says I will have to do that.

I got a national, international ministry, you should be asking you to do that. You know mind could you pay somebody to do that I can take that position. All I could say this ministers to you so I will do them in his the key thing to do that we don't want to do. How can I serve you today that question that question even if there's nothing the fact you bought enough asked the question made you serve a double that I'm yeah that's so good and so important from the wife's perspective. I know Lois is sitting here with us, but if she were, what would she be saying that her wife's responsibility is toward her husband, she would say to please him so that he wants to be cervical to find out what matters to him. What encourages him.

What strengthens him to say to him what can I pray for you for the day as you go out and deal with your world, how can I pray for you.

What can I do for you. It's easier for her to do that when she's being served because women have been made to respond that they can respond to directions, but they been made to respond and so if she's given something respond to either Ford asked that so would Lois is filled school with my love and attention in caring and inspiration than anything she can do she will do there.

It becomes a resistance when the tank is on empty and you still demanding to drive somewhere that happens in the emotional relationships the physical relationships and marriage. All of that has to do with where the tank is you keep passing gas stations and start running on fumes and then you wonder why people get up and go's got nothing on your describing so many marriages that I know of, and it seems that a lot of those situations don't have fuel because of circumstances. There is a relative of a mom or dad in a different state and their sick, troubled child, the other children who are really causing the problem. There their financial strains or other medical issues in the home. What are some things that they can do to get back to serving each other when there's just not a whole lot there. There is a verse in the Bible that is probably with the got a married woman will skip persons when it comes to couple in a marriage relationship in this verse within 75.

It's a call to sexual fasting, they you hear about passing doing about sexual fasting. He says I want the husband and wife to not be intimate but to come together for prayer.

So they pass the physical fasting is giving up the physical to gain the spiritual and they give up the time they would've spent being intimate to go to God together about the issue strain pain a problem they are facing when they come together giving up the physical most intimate physical thing they can do for a greater intimate spiritual thing that they need.

They get God's undivided attention at another level to address the additional weight that is bearing down on them. Most couples don't do that most couples don't even know about it. Yet it is placed there by Paul as a critical element of getting heaven to get involved with the pain problems and circumstances of history and Tony, you mentioned prayer a moment ago, and I want to know talk about that. The importance of prayer together as a couple.

What if you found this unity issue is critical. God only functions in unity which is why it's important for Satan to create this unity because that keeps God at a distance. When Jesus gave his high priestly prayer in John 17 so the pray that they might be one so that they might see your glory because God is comfortable in oneness.

First Peter 37 says that when a husband is disconnected from his wife call the husband not to pray.

God is not listening because there's this unity in the home so you have to look at you. This unity not only as problems in a relationship but to keep you from accessing heaven or your marriage for the things that your marriage is facing. So we ought to come together in prayer signifying unity in order to get God's undivided attention. Satan was to keep us too busy to distracted to too much conflict that we won't pray so that unity won't be manifested. So heaven has no obligation to intervene into our circumstance. So every couple should make a commitment to regularly hold his daily, but I'll say regularly go before God for the pain in your marriage. Don't just gently bless our day. Be specific about the problems you're facing with that wondering child with that pornography problem with that, whatever that thing is that is burdening you down when you come together.perks up because you're being consistent with who he is and you're doing what Matthew 18 says you bringing him in the midst of your gathering and when you bring them in the midst of your coming together that's bigger than singular prayer. When that is possible and what you get what you talk about. There is that humility Our Selves Aside and Do the Right Thing and Then the Lord Honors That and He's Present in That and Then Clarity Comes. Typically, That's Right, God Brings up the Bridge, Thoughts, Ideas, People, Circumstances Routed the Cigarettes of My Love and Joy. She Is, God Is Free to Express Himself in the People in the Relationship.

Tony People Have Heard Us Talk about This Last Time in This Time and in Nursing. Yeah This Sounds Exactly like What We Need in the Marriage.

What Do I Do. What's the Roadmap for Me.

What Can I Do Today to Get Us Moving in a Better Direction.

Whether You're the Husband or the Wife, What Can We Do or My Daughter Priscilla Just Started a Movie Called War Room and We Saw Where There Was a Breach of the Marriage and She Created This Place to Cry out to God for God to Intervene. Ideally Both of You Could Come Together. That's the Ideal. But Let's Say One Is Pursuing God. The Other Is Not, Which Is Often the Case in Far Too Often It's the Woman Who's Pursuing God and Not the Man You Create That Space with You and God. And You Fast Give up Some Food or Something a Meal of the Day or Week Whatever You Go with God You Cry out to Him. You May Have Other Ladies in Your Circle Your Small Group. Whatever You Cry out Together for God to Create Something to Create a Situation to Wake up This Mate. Now Let's Suppose the Worst Possible Scenario That May Continues to Rebel. It May Continues, Then You You Precipitate a Crisis You Bring Somebody into His Life Should Be Leadership from the Church to Confront Him If He's Rebelling Now I Know That That's a Risky Business, but Sometimes That Is the Way God Wakes People up Is Often Not Used. You'll Have To Suffer in Silence or Suffer in Secret If There Is Rebellion Taking Place in Your Mate You Would Let Me Ask You Why That Is the Case Say We Don't Administer Church Discipline Really and Were so Quick to Find Fault with the World That Doesn't Embrace What We Believe, That May Be Limited, Bold Enough to Say It, the Same-Sex Attracted Community Were Very Quick to Point out Where They Are Scripturally Wrong, but Were Not so Quick to Point out Where a Couple in the Church May Have Divorced and They Each Remarried for Biblical Reasons and the Bible Says They're Living in Adultery Why the Double Standard One for the World Which Seems Very Harsh and One from within the Church and Seems Very Easy What We Become a Worldly Church.

That's Why This Is a Leadership Problem in the Church Every Wednesday Night Our Church. We Hold Court.

We Have a Court, That Court Has a Lawyer on It Has an Elbow on It and Have the Couple Spiritually People on It to Determine Whether a Person Has a Legitimate Grounds for Divorce Based on Scripture, That His Heart They Come to This Hope in This Group Meets with Them.

If a Person of Legitimate Grounds and the Mate Is Unwilling to Come or to Repent We Write a Bill of Divorcement Which Gives Them Church Permission to Get a Civil Divorce but We Tell Them to Come to the Church First First Corinthians Chapter 6, As You Litigate Matters in the Church You Come to the Church First.

So Church Is Not Set up to Do That.

They're Free to Lose a Member There Freda How They Go to Be, but You Do It or Love You Do It with Care What You Do at Scripturally. The Failure of the Church and Its Desire to Be Accepted by the World Has Kept It from Being the Place Where God Renders Judgment so That the Church Is Pure for God's Purposes so We Can Work through It to Save and Deliver People in Troubled Marriages. That's Amazing.

I Don't Know That I Know Another Church That Does That.

Which Is Actually Sad When You Get All the FBI, but It Is Not like Even Said Just One Place.

The Bible over and over Again. Matthew 18 Told to the Church for Six and Searched the Judgment Just on the Council of Godliness Is That It's over It's over and over Again. You Know in Your Book You Provided an Example There about Jesus Turning the Water into Wine and How That Applies in the Marriage Context Described in for What in Jesus's First Public Miracle.

It Was a Wedding; the Marriage Itself Is at the Wedding at Cana and They Ran Out Of Wine Wine Was a Big Deal As It Is Today, Many Places, but Was a Big Deal for Weddings and Weddings Would Go an Extended Period of Time. In Those Days, and Thought It Wasn't so Good. But What Is a Good Back and so You Would Have Wanted so They Ran Out Of Wine. Jesus's Mother Tells Her Son Will Want to Put on up on a Telephone Booth Pick up You Can't Get Uniform and Become Super Savior and Do Your Thing, but Turn This Will Be Given the Winding It.

Jesus It Was Not Time for Me to Go Public. But I'm Going up about He Calls the Servants and Tells Them to Fill These Jars These Containers with Water They Go Filled with Water and As They Come Back.

The Water Is Changed into Wine Is the Lesson at a Wedding. Jesus Performs a Miracle but the Miracle Was Not Performed until They Gave Jesus Something to Work with.

They Gave the Water Because Water Is a Part of the Wine Process so They Gave Jesus Something Consistent with What They Were Asking for. When They Gave Him Something to Work with. That's When the Miracle Came. This Is the Principal Author Scripture. When God Wanted to Do Something Special. The People Had to Do Something First.

The Priest Had to Put the Foot in the Jordan River before He Would Block It out. Mary Had to Move the Stone before Jesus Did a Resurrection Because That Demonstrates Faith and Faith Is Acting like God Is Telling the Truth Is Not Just an Emotion Is an Action. So When You Demonstrate Faith by Doing Something Consistent with the Need That You Have That You Have Now Opened up the Door Because God Sees That Faith and Hebrews 11 Six As He Is a Rewarder of Them Who Diligently Seek Him. He Is Now Responding to the Faith. So Get Got Some Work with and Let Him Perform a Miracle at Your Wedding. It's so Interesting. The Way Described As like Retaking the Tools Out Of God's Hands. If I Could Say That Way with Respect There Were Not Doing Those Things in Our Marriages That Allows God to Work Fully Because Were Running from. That's Right, That God Says That the You Know A Lot Of Companies That We Waiting on God (God Is Waiting on Us Here Patiently, Patiently, and Tony. Let's Interfere with This Where You Have That Idea That My Needs Are Being Met at Seems to Be the Common Theme When We Counsel, a Difficult Marriage or Focus On The Family Something Is Not Going Right. Usually, Centers on My Needs Are Not Being Met My Husband. Is This This Is This My Wife Is This That or the Other Thing. What's a Practical Way That We Can Get Our Line of Sight off of Ourselves and onto Our Mate and onto Scripture Work We Do.

When I Meet with Couples I Tell Them for Things I Said I Want You to Do for Things. These Four Things Are Designed to Affect the Atmosphere Because A Lot Of Times the Problems Exist Because His Bad Air. So Even Good Becomes Bad Wanted to Restaurant It Smells Bad. It Doesn't Matter How Good the Food Is Because the Atmosphere Is Bad Twitching Atmosphere Is A Lot Easier to Deal with the Problems We Had a 41 Every Day Say Something or Do Something Small That Lets You Make No You Are on Their Mind Every Day.

Every Day Now It Will Happen Every Day but If You Think Every Day and Have Regularly so Everyday It's an Unexpected Phone Call. It's a Note It's a It's a Nonsexual Hug. It's Something That Says You Are on My Mind. Number Two I Want You to Begin Praying with Your Mate Every Day, You Take Them by the Hand of Your Business May Not Appear You Pick up the Phone and You Take the Relationship before God Every Day, Which Means Regularly 30 Once a Week You Allot One Hour to Listen to Your Mate Share Their Needs. That Makes You a Listener You Cannot Interrupt except for Clarity. They Have the Free Mechanical over an Hour, but the More You Do It Regularly.

The Less Hour Will Be Needed. They Can Also Tell You How Successful You Were or How Unsuccessful You Were in the Week but Can't Build up Because You Let Go More Than a Week before We Had a Conversation so That Way You Get Net Because They Know They Got a Week within a Week They Will Get to Talk about It That She Had Let It All Here and Let It Build up Because It Will Be Discussed a Week so You Have That Weekly Meeting to Have a Barometer on How This Thing Is Going and Fourthly You Go Back to Dating in the Bible. Unit Date to Marry in the Bible You Married to Date to Get Married in the Bible Who Hardly Even Knew Personally Remember the Arrangement of Arranged Marriages. I Can You Do That Because the Relationship Was to Be Built by the Marriage. We Do Just the Opposite, and Still Didn't Work. So Go Back to Having Fun. You Can Discuss No Problems on the Date All You Can Do Is That Which Makes You Happy Those Four Things and Consistently Does Not Seem Change the Atmosphere, Which Makes It A Lot Easier to Deal with the Problems Tony Evans, Author of the Book Kingdom Marriage. I Think a Good Place to and Tony Would Be for You to Pray for Those Marriages That Are Struggling and Help Them to See a Better Way. Father Right Now. I Pray for All the Marriages That Are Hurting All the Husbands and Wives Who Are on the Edge on the Brink Who Don't Know If It's Worth It, or Whether They Can Make It.

For Those Who Are Contemplating Separation or Divorce or Just Settling to Live Unhappily. I Pray That They Will Kingdom Eyes, Their Relationship Kingdom Eyes Their Marriage That They Will Make Happiness. The Benefit and They Will Live for Your Image under Your Rules for the Advancement of Your Kingdom Is the Purpose and That You Will Exponentially Multiply That Joy and That the Joy Might Be Full. As They Begin to Apply the Principles of Being a Kingdom Couple Investing in the Kingdom Marriage and for Your Involvement with Them and Answering That Prayer As They Prayed to You Personally.

We Give Thanks in Jesus Name, Amen, Amen. You Want a Better Marriage. Get a Copy of Kingdom Marriage Tony, Thanks for Being with Us. Tony Evans Has Been a Guest on Focus on the Get Your Copy of His Book Kingdom Marriage When You Get in Touch and We Also Have a CD or Download of This Today Broadcast John. It's Incredible to See God Working in so Many Marriages and We Get to See That Firsthand Here. Focus. I Read a Comment from a Listener Who Said This Radio Broadcast Has Been Helpful to Her for over 30 Years in Their Marriage and They Remembered Back When They Were Newlyweds Away from the Family Lonely and How Much Focus On The Family Help Them Were so Grateful That the Lord Uses Our Conversations Here to Touch Lives in Profound Ways, and Maybe We've Helped in Your Marriage As Well.

If so I Want to Invite You to Join Our Support Team and Make a Donation to Focus On The Family so We Can Continue to Pass It Forward Reaching Other Couples When You Make a Generous Financial Gift of Any Amount Today Will Send Tony's Book to You As Our Way of Saying Thank You. Call 800 the Letter a in the Word Family 800-232-6459 or Stop by the Episode Notes Where Will Also Have the Link to Our Free Marriage Assessment. The Next Time You'll Hear Powerful Testimony from Former Missionaries Andrew and Noreen Brunson about Andrew's Two-Year Captivity in Turkish Prisons and so I Felt Abandoned and I I Everything Was Going Wrong. It Kept Getting Worse and Worse and I Thought Where Is My Kind, Gentle Father, On Behalf Of Jim Daly in the Entire Team.

Thanks for Joining Us Today for Focus On The Family I'm John Fuller Inviting You Back. As We Once More Help You and Your Family Thrive in Christ. When a Woman Discovers Her Husband Struggled with Pornography. She Needs a Practical Plan. The Latest Book from Focus On The Family Aftershock but Professional Counselor Joanne Conti Will Help You through the Seven Steps of Self-Care and to Learn How to Deal with the Emotions Involved in the Discovery of Your Husband's Addiction. Joanne Conti's Timeless Wisdom. If You Hope, Even While You're in Your Own Season of Aftershock. Learn More about aftershock@focusonthefamily.com/store