Breathe Spiritual Life Into Your Marriage (Part 1 of 2)

Each October we observe a long-standing tradition here at Focus on the Family called pastor appreciation month the pastor's work is tiring and we can all come alongside and encourage them as they work in our local churches. Focus on the Family has downloads, videos, and other tools to provide ideas to help you support your pastor and their family stop by focusonthefamily.com/pastor appreciation to get started. That's focusonthefamily.com/pastor appreciation. My greatest need was to be loved a good day was when I was noticed, appreciated, cared for and shown affection.

Now a good day. If I believe my greatest need is to learn how to love is when I can notice when I can show affection when I consider that's Gary Thomas describing a profound change in perspective that really transformed his marriage and today you'll hear how God wants to do the same thing for you and your spouse. This is Focus on the Family with your host focus Pres. and Dr. Jim Daly and I'm John: John, when it comes right down to it I think every husband and wife secretly wants the happily ever after. Part of marriage who doesn't.

Now we don't really believe in fairytales, but there is this innate desire and longing which I think is God-given that wishes for something better and more loving and more intimate with your spouse. Admittedly, it's easy to get distracted by the busyness of life and we can put marriage and family on autopilot and cruise along thinking everything's okay. But as followers of Christ.

We know that our marriages are meant to be a spiritual symbol of something much bigger and deeper than we can even imagine in Ephesians chapter 5 the apostle Paul calls marriage, a mystery, and compares it to the relationship Jesus Christ has with the church so we really can't afford to take our marriages for granted and the good news is that God does have something better, more loving and more intimate in mind for you and your spouse and were going to hear about that today from Gary Thomas Wright. Gary was a guest at a special event just a few months back where we interviewed him on the stage of our chapel before a live audience of about 40 couples who are friends of Focus on the Family and our topic was Gary's book a lifelong love discovering how intimacy with God breathes passion into your marriage. Jim, here's how you begin the conversation with Gary Thomas on today's episode of Focus on the Family. Okay, you've written this wonderful book, lifelong love, but I gotta get right to you admitted that when you first got married. You did it for all the wrong reasons. I think I know what that means but you said it was all selfish it was. It was a shocking time of prayer for me when I was asked. I believe by God in prayer. Why did you marry your wife and her lot of reasons for me to marry someone like Lisa said to me good qualities I love the way she looked at that she would be a great mom. I like the way her mind thought I knew she love the Lord is like well this this and this nation to started with that one just say it but but it hit me that in many ways I got married to Lisa because of everything I thought she would bring to me. I thought I would have a better life if I did get Lisa to marry me or if I can get Lisa to marry me than someone else and while we all kind of make those decisions. It was just shocking to realize that it was selfishness that was moving me into marriage. When I believe God designed marriage to pull us out of our selfishness. Yeah, I think that's pretty normal for most of us, though I think that's how we start. You know, we notice somebody that were attracted to moves from there you use the term in your book called spider spouse. And yes, so that sounds a little creepy what this writer's about how nefarious this is spider constructs of this web for one purpose to catch victims, and any and what's the analogy to marriage, but in some ways we construct webs. How can I look attractive. How can I this. How can I get you to consider this so that then I can go and you can meet all my needs I can feed off you eat off your affirmation feed off your well eat off sexual interest and a lot of different reasons that move people to get married and that's it's really a disgusting picture to show our selfishness for what it really is and again if God's agenda in marriage is to pull us out of our selfishness. Whatever let us in the marriage. We have to realize okay if I want to go God's pathway into marriage.

I gotta stop being a spider spouse.

I got a look at marriage from an entirely different angle not to be is spider deceit be someone who blesses that is so good you go on to say in the book about first Corinthians 13 that that's the marriage passage I think many of us know that passage, but what stands out in first Corinthians 13 for you. Well how so often when people coming to me for counseling.

They don't realize how they are directly contradicting what Paul tells us in for scripting. 13 love doesn't boast, and they boast about how there the better spouse. Love keeps no record of wrong wife said you guys when he was in college he got fired from Taco Bell for this got out of school for that and if I would just read first Corinthians 13 right to come here with all the things that their spouses and doing nothing. Well yeah that's true and you're not doing anything. Paul describes his loving first contents 13 and that's really what we look at marriage as is that it's not that one person is right or wrong. It's how marriage helps both of us become more right, more loving, fulfilling first Corinthians 13 is I don't think that most of us get married with the agenda that God has and if I could just add on to. When I got married selfishly. The other thing I think is so wrong when I got married is I thought my greatest need was to be loved. I love movies I love pop music.

I love novels and every one of them were in agreement that that was what was be fulfilling.

I had to find that love. That was my greatest need and I believe that God would've told me know you need to be loved is been met perfectly in the person of Jesus. No one can love you more than I've loved you, I died for your sins. I'm giving you my spirit comforts you who convicts you. If you start those stupid things makes you miserable so you turn around and come back and so if you were in Christ.

I don't believe you greatest need is to be loved you greatest need is to learn how to love, but that's a big paradigm shift. It was months for me as I got dropped in and then I really struggled with it for months, but then I put in the Scripture. I want people to take my experience there so many verses that say love extravagantly you love you love you have for everyone should be increasing love.

Even your enemies. There isn't a single verse that says to be fulfilled. Find a romantic partner will love you like you've never been loved before.

So I think the silence of Scripture is very loud and the overwhelming witness of Scripture is you need to learn how to love. I didn't get married for that reason, but I believe God wanted me to get married. For that reason and I grew in my appreciation and satisfaction in marriage when my agenda began to align with God's rather than trying to get God to give me what I thought I needed to get with that paradigm shift. You also talk about a monks marriage and I didn't know monks could be that big paradigm shift is so first of all, I need that definition.

What did you mean by follow a monks marriage.

Well, it's a little bit of a crazy thing but I go off.

Psalm 146 that says do not put your trust in princes in human beings who cannot save. Let's go back 3000 years and that song was written.

It doesn't sound that shocking to us now because kings are sort of figureheads back then kings had done rivaled unquestioned authority if they said you're poor you can be poor. They said I want your wife. They got your wife. They said you gonna die, you died. You go to prison. They did everything and some of the psalmist says don't put your trust in a king that you can see, put your trust in God, you can't. It was a shocking thing because everything within you would say I have to have favor with the King as he can determine my life on earth and the psalmist say no because in and he doesn't determine your destiny.

You have to trust in the God who you can't see.

So let's apply this to marriage. We put our hope in a spouse, we can see not in the God we can't see how I tied it in with the monk.

It may be the word way my mind works for you guys know I like to read the Christian Classics, I would read these books of monks and nuns had very satisfying lives because they were so in love with Jesus and that will they're happy but they're not having all of them will expect a spouse to do this or spouse to notices or hear this or provide this or offer that and yet they're still happy. So what if I could have this monks attitude that I will find my fulfillment and joy and meaning and purpose and affirmation from God and everything. My spouse gives me his extra is not an expectation. It's find my satisfaction God and so then consider being frustrated. I'm not getting this because I want that and that doesn't want that. It's like I have this met and I get your smile to your kiss to her your Adam boy to an end because it dunamis so often when were dating, we have this attitude. How he got me flowers got this present you sent me a card and then the wife says after they married got me flowers again got me a card eating even right. I mean it.

The thing that delights you as boyfriend or girlfriend can frustrate you as a husband or wife.

It's all because of expectations. There you know expecting dating that they have to do it now their spouse and expect them to do so, you lose the joy so it's really this way of saying how do we recapture the joy in marriage by saying married people should be just as dependent on God for their satisfaction for their affirmation for their hope, their joy, their peace and then marriage is added onto it, rather than try to draw the majority of our affirmation, satisfaction, joy and peace from our spouse go to church once a week and remember that God loves us and I think you're saying some wonderful things there and the I member being criticized by his in a book I wrote about keeping your expectations low about people that were your disappointments are pretty rare and that's what I got criticized for Bailey's best advice is keep your expectations low. But you're saying the same thing. I am that in marriage put your hope in God. Put your trust in God. Now let me just play you know the opposite side of this.

It's great. It sounds wonderful in theory to be that in love with God all your needs are met in your relationship with the Lord.

Lisa sitting right here.

Have you been able to achieve that.

Sorry. Here's what I've realized and maybe this is why write about it because you see your own is often tell people my mayors books of the stories of my failures and got trying to call me out of them to be on it, which helps the rest of us. But right they do and obviously we have the same critics because I recognize that voice, but I was reading the Philippa Lee I don't I pronounce is this Eastern Orthodox group fight for 15 centuries, the great classical writings in the Eastern Orthodox Church. I like to read out tradition. One thing that keeps coming back.

If you read through that omission gigantic sees read sections but is and I love it because the E6 things differently than the West. This last for praise that they insist cannot be satisfied in the lust for praise is every bit as strong as the lust for more money materialism. The last four excitement sexual loss, gluttony, what with this is you start to give into it.

If you need it. It grows it's not satisfying, it demands more more view until it ruins you and I never looked at my last to be appreciated and desired and praise. In that light as a sin and something dangerous until I was reading these great church fathers that that mentioned how it was out I was a master.

This is so pathetic that when leases love languages would be acts of cleaning very much more access to language you come across as an invented her own and so I knew this guy was a master she was off somewhere come back. Bible studies at home at 830 at 827. I'm splashing some water my face.

I have a vacuum cleaner room in my hand or something like a been cleaning up the house if I'm cleaning I want to be noticed that by doing it and realizing that if I in a talking life of about acts of Secret Service, which in the whole point was how many wins I get when I'm able to serve my wife without her knowing it and so I look for things to do that shall never know about it purifies my heart. Secondly, I believe their heavenly rewards and we do good works out of secret, it turns my heart to think about how do I serve her instead of how my being noticed or served there like five wins when you start to say how can I be given would be the opposite of a spider spouse and want to give even if it's in secret. Even if I'm not noticed forgiving and Jim there is a joy from the Lord when you're loving his daughter out of love for him in a way that only he sees and it's a whole lot more than you could ever expect to affect more that because I love that idea that you married God's daughter watch these your father-in-law, but I also was caught by something that you mentioned in the book where you encourage spouses to become counselors for the defense side of the courtroom rather than on the prosecution side okay. I just got to say we got a lot of married couples. There how many of us tend to work for the prosecuting attorney at times in your marriage. Anybody mopping her hand up like nobody just me. I visit John and I are okay. There's okay three more okay but how is that the case why do we not first go to defend our spouse rather than go to the prosecutor's bench.

Well, I believe a lot of it comes down to remembering and living out the gospel first on 419 we love because he first loved us and when I remember that God isn't my prosecuting attorney that in fact he is my defense counsel is often defending me from me on talk about myself some way, that is, the injured God isn't 1 m talk about me the way I talk about me but I there is a story I just I was billing of a woman she was in England and she was complaining to her director at that at the church were there.

Adam S was doing this and that and this and that and and he he said I've been listening to you for weeks complaining about your husband's. I just want to do one thing for me. I want you to go back.

I want you to sit before the Lord and ask God why your husband might be the way he is and she's course he's a man is give-and-take.

The husband side.

This is just ridiculous. So she did and God began to speak, and she went through the early years of their marriage just about half what he went through with his mom dying in the humiliation of losing his job and having to move back in with his parents and and all of these things and have time to go into all of them, but she realized she still so sorry for him and she realize okay yeah sometimes he might be short sometimes you might be impatient and she goes but look at the pressure he was under. Look at the shame he was done and that never excuses Jim and and I know you knows and never excuses a husband being short or sharp or or inattentive, but sometimes I found that it's really helpful to say when were most pressure was that our spouse is doing and why is she acting this way, God why is he acting that way not to excuse your spouse, but to understand your spouse and often you'll hear the gods and you know what is not acting perfectly. But if you ever thought about this is the wound that there caring and then we can be a part of healing not by condemning him cinnamon conflict prosecuting attorney means you send your spouse to jail when with that when inside Thomas is Focus on the Family with Jim Daly I'm John Fuller, and Gary is written very insightful and at times challenging book for married couples called a lifelong love discovering how intimacy with God breeze passion into your marriage. We do have copies of that here at the ministry call for yours.

800 the letter a in the word family 800-232-6459 or stop by the episode notes for all the details and let's continue on now with more from Gary Thomas on today's episode of Focus on the Family. I think it was an broadcast taping that we had done earlier that you'd mentioned something like that and I remember going home. Jean is always excited when I come home to say hey you know, let's spend 10 minutes together uninterrupted show safe. Did you talk with today.

I'm usually giving you a lot of credit, but this is one that I took away from our conversation sometime ago you know when you're in the midst of a discussion in a heated discussion with your spouse and do you realize she's the daughter of God changes your paradigm.

It has been the single biggest insight that has changed the way I look at marriage and try to live my marriage and the way I look at my wife I was, not being a good husband and their many a times that that was the case and just in prayer applying first John 31 behold, how great a love the Father has lavished on us that we should be called the children of God.

I claim that as a single man that's my identity. I'm God's son, no one can take that away and God was pointing out to me Gary it's also true of your wife Lisa's my daughter and she's not just your wife. She's my daughter and I expect you to treat her as such, and then when I had daughters. It was a whole new element we ought we also have a son but I realize if you want to get on my good side it's easy to speak could to one of my kids be kind. Be loving, be their best friend. I love you with your my kids friend and get my bad side. It's just as easy be mean to want my kid shame. One of my kids break when my kids are my blood pressure go up if I even see your name because I'd rather you mess with me than one of my kids and when I realize that's how God looks at my wife as his daughter in a holier and purer and more intense way. Everything about my marriage changed because reality is the Bible promises us. We marry somebody James redo, who stumbles in many ways our spouses in a worldly sense are not always worthy of being loved.

God is always worthy of being worshiped and revered and when I love my wife out of reverence for God because she's his daughter there's always the reason to love her.

I mean never run out of she's always lovable because of that is not the only reason I love her, but it's a motivation that goes beyond the fact that I stumble in many ways that she stumbles in many ways we honor the God who created us in and we worship him through that and so stopping to think of God as my heavenly father and remembering that is also my heavenly father in law is something that has just transformed the way I look at marriage. You believe every marriage should have a magnificent Obsession mine happens to be cleaning my garage. This session is magnificent that fit in your definitely mom. My wife is cleaning the kitchen and living as you leave the house and not obsessively clean because we might die when were gone so we might see our kitchen we go back. I would think it's fun anyway. The magnificent obsession is I'm stealing that phrase from a classical writer several hundred years ago to summarize Jesus's words in Matthew 633, when he says seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, that word first is very important word seek is very important Greek it's continuous present tense continually keep on seeking above everything else. The kingdom of God and his righteousness, and it's my belief that that is the best agenda for a lifelong love satisfying marriage because it deals with the two issues it brings. Most marriages down.

I've been doing marriage ministry now for decades and to the things I see the first one that brings a lot of couples down is is not some mystical thing. It almost sounds mundane, but the reality is, couples get bored with each other but after part they just drift apart and the kids are graduating they don't even have that to share anymore and so drop the kid off to college and stop at the lawyer on the way home and say okay were done is seeking first the kingdom of God. Just point out the fact that we were made for more than marriage. That's why we get bored with each of but none of us are so fascinating. We keep each other and crawled for five or six decades, which is not that five or six dates. You can five or six years is a challenge. I like that low expectation about five or six decades is not going to happen, but with your seeking first the kingdom of God.

When I found that's what gives meaning to your life.

I believe God wants us to be discontent and listless if were living a selfish life we were created to live a selfish life and living for romantic happiness is a selfish life living for just financial comfort is a selfish life living just to have even a happy family in one sense can be a selfish like we were created that impact eternity for God. The impact eternity through us and so when I found is that it gives you a reason to pray for each other and with each other. It gives a new respect I tell husbands of their husbands listen how to get my wife to be impressed by me. Here's the easiest thing to do offer yourself in service to God because you find out. The Holy Spirit is real and he will gift to you. If you make yourself available and he will use you and your wife say that I may issue and lease diagnosis is empty-nesters. Now that would been empty-nesters. We do a lot more together. We started doing most of our premarital counseling together. So for someone with the couple and there's this going on and I'm asking this and pointing out this you look at this and we get done leases like you're pretty good at this. This new appreciation or respect. It's not me. It is you office of the Holy Spirit uses you. So I just saved you want to get your husband's affection to your wife's affection.

Just get the Holy Spirit on your side and you get the Holy Spirit on your side by seeking first the kingdom of God, which is why say don't worry about falling out of love Nero chemically that's going to happen. Worry about falling out of purpose.

That's good. The first part is, don't worry about falling out of love worry about falling out of purpose. The second one is don't worry about falling out of love worry about falling out of repentance because when I'm seeking first his righteousness in becoming the kind of person a woman wants to be married to.

I'm dying to the things that destroy most marriages, anger, rage, malice lost greed. All of those things that make somebody miserable to be around, and righteousness is just avoiding the bad is building the good of Christ. I'm growing in patience and kindness and gentleness and love and understanding and humility.

Those are the things somebody wants to be around. And so by doing seeking first his righteousness in becoming the kind of person that somebody else wants to be around which ultimately builds my marriage. I'm stunned as a pastor 90% of the issues when somebody comes into my office.

It's an issue of character somebody is acting with anger or lust or a lack of self-control or spending is out of control.

Or whatnot, and so if we would follow the magnificent obsession builder marriages on purpose and righteousness. We kill the two things that destroy most marriages. My guest today on Focus on the Family.

Gary Thomas based on his book a lifelong love discovering how intimacy with God breeze passion into your marriage. I really love how Gary keeps pointing us back to the solid foundation of God's word.

Because let's face it, our popular notions of love and attractiveness and passion are all self focused. It's all about me and in effect ignoring God's plan and design for what marriage should be as believers we need to be mindful of this issue because we are Christ's representatives to a watching world.

How you interact with them and treat your spouse will determine whether or not your faith is seen as legitimate and real. That's why recommend Gary's book a lifelong love to you and your spouse whether your newlyweds are of been married for decades.

This is an excellent resource that can take your relationship to the next level and help you grow in your faith. As a couple.

I think single adults will benefit from this book as well. I'd love to send you a copy in exchange for a gift of any amount to Focus on the Family. That's our way of saying thank you for supporting and encouraging marriages today and I invite you to do ministry through Focus on the Family give generously so that together we can respond to the hundreds of thousands of couples who will contact us for help and resources for their families. We need you and I look forward to our ongoing partnership donate today and get Gary's book a lifelong love when you call 800 the letter a in the word family 800-232-6459. We can find all the details in the episode notes and we have a free marriage assessment to help you evaluate how the relationship with your spouse is going to identify your strengths as a couple and some areas where you may need some improvement.

Again, you'll find that the assessment of the link will be in the episode notes plan now to join us tomorrow for more insights and encouragement from Gary Thomas on behalf Jim Daly and the entire team. Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back.

As we once more help you and your family thrive in Christ and I knew my marriage was falling apart. I just didn't know how to fix it.

I felt like I would always be alone even if I stayed married at Focus on the Family's hope restored marriage intensively offer hope to couples in crisis so they can have the marriage they've always dreamed for the first time I felt like my husband truly heard me. I received some great tools from the counselor said of change my life and my marriage to begin the journey of finding health go to hope restored.com today