Hope for Every Marriage (Part 1 of 2)

This is John Fuller and Focus on the Family is looking for talented writers and editors to help reduce our audio programs and podcast go to focusonthefamily.com/jobs to learn more about these and other job opportunities secured focus. We all know someone whose marriage has fallen apart, and maybe you've experienced that pain and loneliness and the anger today and Focus on the Family were joined by a couple whose relationship was broken but then they discovered God at work and what he did is unbelievable and wonderful.

Your host is author and focus Pres. Jim Daly I'm John Fuller, Jim. This broadcast is going to offer hope to a lot of people that John.

The great thing about God's economy, there's always hope for everybody no matter what your circumstances and if you're struggling in your marriage. I think you'll be encouraged today that there is hope for reconciliation. Even in the most difficult of circumstances. At the last time we are this broadcast. One listener contacted us and told us it saved their marriage and that's what were about here focus. That's always the big victory that we are able to save a marriage, because at the core.

It's our faith in Christ that motivates us and I know motivates these couples to reconsider Jeff and Cheryl Scruggs are intimately familiar with what it feels like to have a marriage gone wrong and they'll share about their difficult journey and how God rebuilt their relationship and do the founders of hope matters, marriage ministries, based in Plano Texas.

Together they'd counseled hundreds if not thousands of couples over many many years. Cheryl is the host of the podcast called thriving beyond belief and Jeff and Cheryl are also the authors of the book, I do again this discussion is based on the content of the great book. A key part of their story is that they were married for 10 years divorced for seven and they've now been remarried for over 20 years. So today on Focus on the Family. We begin the conversation with Jeff and Cheryl Scruggs as Jeff talks about where they were spiritually when they met and shown.

I met and it was interesting.

Neither one of us were walking a walk. She grew up Catholic and I grew up in what I would consider a legalistic Baptist Church and the more that was just the way I perceived it and then I got to college and kinda made a left-hand turn and walked away from my faith, and soon we met each other. Neither one of us were now walking with the Lord now had you made in your mid-20s. There I was, I was a senior in college.

I grew up going to church all my life but I didn't understand about a walk with Jesus until later on I Jeff and I met he sweat me off my feet.

How was actually I just got engaged to someone else and we started dating and it was kind of a love at first sight type thing. We married about a year after we started dating and moved to California we moved to LA and we were just kind of living the California lifestyle. We are successful in our jobs. We were in our mid-20s and make a lot of money. We had an oceanview home. We had all the right stuff. Cheryl are so many people that may profess the Christian faith, but they don't live that they're not close to the Lord in that way and it sounds like you were kind of in that category when you looked at the way your jobs are going you were doing well. You lived on an oceanfront house. It sounds like the dream you guys were live in the dream, but what was going wrong. What was not happening in your relationship. Mother wasn't really any intimacy or depth of intimacy and conversation and just really get to know each other's heart effectual.

You probably should speak to this because I thought everything was fine was perfect. Jeff thought the relationship of our marriage was perfect for 180 well you know going into marriage. You know I I would've consider myself a Christian, I believed that Jesus died on the cross.

I wasn't really sure why he did that and so going into it. I mean, I prayed.

I prayed a lot, and two years into the marriage. I started to feel empty and I wasn't really sure why felt empty. But, and I really actually thought there was something wrong with me because what that emptiness feel like to present. I know there's many women that may say that's how I feel you describe what that means I really I was craving a connection with my husband.

I didn't realize the hole in my heart at that point being is a spiritual hole.

I didn't I didn't get that. But I I needed to be closer to my husband. I felt like we were to ingrain so many areas of life, but we didn't really connect and I didn't know how to go about that. I didn't really learn how to do that as a kid and I'm the oldest of five, I was very responsible and and all of that, but I wasn't really close to my dad as far as emotionally close since I didn't really know how to pursue Jeff and actually I had Jeff on a pedestal. I idolized him I thought that if I told him that I was you know not happy or that things didn't feel right to me that he would leave me ironically and I so I just kept it all myself and I just really lived with this burden of emotional connection with him. What was the snapping point. What was the event that broke your relationship. I Jim you know I really thought just backup for one second I thought having kids was the answer. So we had, you know gone through some infertility issues and ended up getting pregnant with twins, which was awesome and I really thought that was gonna change everything you thought that would feel that I said I thought it was peanuts kind the natural next step kind of thing. So once the girls came along for about a year I was I was pretty good.

I was even not really feeling you note void in a lot of areas with Chaffin.

The girls were 16 months old. I had been and I had a big sales job and I went to our national sales meeting which I went to every year, and I started talking to a guy that I'd known for a long time we had the same position in the company and he was in Northern California. I was in Southern California. We start talk about her job to begin with and then he started to share with me that he was having problems in his marriage, and I had kept all of my concerns about my marriage and my hunger for more of my husband to myself.

I had shared with another person, not a girlfriend might family or anything and so for the first time I started to open my heart up to a man that I was having no questions about my marriage that I I didn't know if I was married to the right guy. I didn't know if I was in love with my husband anymore and that was luckily the last evening of the sales conference that we were at nothing happen physically, but what I felt there was a bond in a connection that frankly at that point in time I felt like I had never experienced in my life.

And so the next morning he said something to me about having breakfast in the morning and I said no I can't do that. I knew I like I said I was on the oldest of five kids I grew up very responsible never been a game I parents any trouble. Candles were going off. Sure you knew I was in a dangerous, I knew it was dangerous yeah and I you know I always wanted to do things right and so it just wasn't who I was in the next morning the temptation was too strong for me. I had breakfast with this man and I think back about that now. And I think – what were the other salespeople thinking me there hundred 50 other people there as well. We both got on her respective flights to go back to our cities. I got off the plane in Los Angeles.

The girls were with Jeff at the airport.

That was when you could walk up the tarmac and everyone was standing there and I got off and I saw the girls and just hug them and was I was so excited to see them because I'd been gone for a week and I looked at Jeff and I he hugged me and I had my head on his shoulder and I realized I had missed him at all and then I all I could think about. At that point was this connection with this man and I was on a Friday and what's interesting about that time frame.

Back then, as in 1990. We didn't have texting we did have Facebook wouldn't have email or anything like that. This was a Friday and I wasn't going to the office till Monday so basically for me it was waiting over the weekend to be able to talk to this guy from the office. We are anticipating that you sure when you look at that fork in the road and mentioned it, but there probably women and men in the work environment listening to us now that there at that fork in the road when you look back on that trying to override those emotions that you're feeling connecting with this person emotionally which was the void you were feeling at the time.

What could you have done differently, you know. And would it even been possible at that moment when you think about it. Well now I know what I could've done differently, and I chose not to, but I was very weak at that point I was deceived at I and I didn't and I just wrote I had no boundaries. I didn't know that I wasn't supposed to be talking to a man alone. I wasn't to share my deepest darkest heart with with a man so I know all that now, but that would be one of the things and then I knew throughout that evening that I needed to be walking away from it and I didn't how longer than this. Go to meeting you went another few months or another year or two, or how long to the fairness and so how long did it occur so Jeff and I went back to our normal life.

When I got back I started talking to this me on the phone that Monday and we started talking to her three hours a day on the telephone from the office and what was developing there was was a connection in a relationship and I literally thought that I was falling in love with someone and if you think about that how can you fall in love with someone over the telephone but anyway that's where I was at that point. This was in March 1990. In April 1990.

He intentionally got a flight to LA we met at a hotel and that's when it became a full-blown adulterous affair and that was a month after we had had that conversation that same week. A lot of things happened. I went to Jeff, and I told him that I didn't know if I loved him and I didn't know if I wanted to stay married.

I didn't know if I'd ever loved him and we were quite shocked. Jeff, this is the first that the comment that Cheryl made that would have been the first inclination that there was a problem right during that month.

You did not have any idea. I was totally clueless. Was there something you missed. I mean as a man helping other men wanting a eyelashes.

I was totally clueless.

I did notice around that time that there was a little distance between us and I asked Ralph we can go to counseling and we actually did go to counseling twice, but the counselor in Los Angeles told me I was wasting my time that her heart wasn't into it and then it wasn't long after that mean show can probably tell you exactly when, but it was maybe a month and I got transferred to Dallas with my job. So we were picking up and moving to Dallas. I thought maybe this is what we need maybe we need a fresh start a new city yo get away from that lifestyle and in many maybe that will what will make things better. I can only measure of that point, your question whether not you want to go right. I deftly questioned it and I didn't see any other choice.

Actually the way I felt was I'm leaving this new love, but at the same time you know I'm I was very family-oriented. Loved being married to loved having the girls in the family and all of that and so I literally thought eventually my gosh this is a relief we can get to Dallas we can start over. Jeff won't have to know about any of this and hadn't told him anything. Know what I was petrified to talk to him about it and that again is where our relationship wasn't strong because I should have been able to go to him and say hey, I've been tempted in really right at the beginning because maybe the hotel situation would have happened if I was able to go to him and and share, but I was I was scared to death I was just scared. I guess that he would leave me or you know I don't know take my kids. I don't know what I was to show your saying something so important, I want to come to stop us all and think about it what you're saying is that if you felt greater security in the relationship and Jeff I'm sure this isn't just a reflection on your like, I mean all of us have moments I think in her marriages were, you know, there's a lack of security that were I'm not sure if I share that with my spouse. If he or she will respond to your saying if you had that at that moment you think most if not all, this may have been avoided if you could've talked about. Why do you think people fail to recognize the wisdom of that. Why did you fail in that way.

Well, I honestly it's probably a couple of things.

One is fear though to been the first thing is fearful of talking to him.

I was fearful of my dad growing up I didn't feel comfortable talking to him about things and then the other part. Honestly, if I met you know very frank here is that I enjoyed what was going on and I felt a connection and I really wanted to explore that he was meeting a need was with this is Focus on the Family with Jim Daly on John Fuller and her guests today are Jeff and Cheryl Scruggs authored the book I do again and what I've heard both of you say his expectations. Cheryl, your expectations of Jeff once you got the relationship and Jeff your expectations about the move to Dallas that exasperate things when you finally did move forward to that calm things down what what effect did it have on both of you Noel.

After we moved to Dallas.

We we actually moved into an apartment and we were building a house.

So I'm thinking were building this house on a golf course.

Cheryl grew up on a golf course. It was a family business. This would make her happy. This is what I'm thinking and but I would come home every day from the office to the apartment and many times she sitting on the couch crying. So I'm thinking there's something psychologically wrong things she needs counseling. Maybe she's depressing.

As she left her job. She went from this big career to coming to Dallas and being a stay-at-home mom there with the two babies and so I'm thinking all those things and I'm also thinking is she crazy. Do I is something bonded should I feel safe leaving my daughter's home with her when I come and see that she's a sitting there crying I'm those of how things are going to my mind at this point you don't know the full story. I still don't know. Let's move there. How did that happen. How did that come out into the light and how did you respond.

I really didn't know the full story until after our divorce okay so you yes you That you have with divorce yeah okay yeah and I thinking of going talking about expectations.

John, I I watch soap operas grown up and that is really probably where I got my idea of what I thought marriage was supposed to be like so I'm expecting all these things and I think you know now as I counsel women I see women that expects so much that are are really expectations. You can even meet in a relationship and so that's that was one thing and then coming to Dallas for me was a refreshment. I literally thought I could run away from that it wasn't who I was. I felt like I was to people living two different lives. I was excited about being a stay-at-home mom and so what he was seeing and I didn't even know he was thinking I was crazier thinking that I was depressed you know I was excited about what was going on but I didn't know what to do with this dilemma.

And so I started to miss that relationship. So what we started to talk on the phone again would like you said we didn't have texting and Facebook and things to communicate that way.

And so I was afraid again to say anything to Jeff. I wanted to.

I almost did a dozen times because I wanted him to just know the truth so that we can move on and and get our marriage back on what guilt had to be so heavy. I was terrible to hear what happened. I'm in again. You're moving toward divorce. Yeah, you made that decision was it in part so you could cover that up and not have to deal with it. Did you get to that point where he said divorce would be easier than facing Jeff with the truth and no divorce was the answer because I thought I was in love with somebody else okay and so I went to an attorney behind Jeff's back. I filed papers and then you can tell that story about this point, we moved into our what we effectually call the shrine term marriage now are McMansion now we know that's not the important things of life.

But anyhow I was upstairs in our new house reading the girls a bedtime story and the front door bell is ringing. I will on new shows downstairs and wasn't she answering the door so I grabbed the girls that I can which one wasn't just headed downstairs and it was the sheriff serving papers and is the first I knew and that was the first yeah yeah and I don't even know how I kept it together long enough to go back up the stairs who are have my arms back down to bed and then I went downstairs and just kind of freaked out like what in the world is going on here.

What's important about that is that that was a two-year timeframe right and then we were divorced in August 1992. So… Let's talk now you you do go through the divorce word is God into the picture. How does God become more vital in your life you recognize the need for a visit through the divorce that you turn to God.

Well, when we first moved to Dallas.

Like many many people doing couples do is we were in trouble and so we were invited by a couple that we knew in Dallas only couple we knew to go to church and so we started to go to church and what was going on with me is my heart was being stirred the Holy Spirit, God is coming after me. I didn't understand what it was all I knew is that every time I went to church. I cried to the sermons I'd cry through the singing and I was so curious and hungry for what ever. This was this I can put my finger on what was going on. So for me, God was really pursuing me and you know you I don't know Jeff kept trying, but I think for you spiritually want me for me it was you just getting back to my roots and understanding that I walked away from my Lord and and I love the Lord and in it wasn't long after we started going to this church that they asked me to help with a high school youth group which is kind of a joke because I was in no position to be leading or you but actually I was just there for crowd control for the first year so that was even ministering to me, just the yeah the 25 minute talk that the youth pastor would give on Sunday nights after I heard the sermon in the morning so you're the Lord was working on my heart. At the same time and just draw me back to him did.

Now when did you actually find out about the affair. The papers arrived that night. Did you have a talk that night or did it take even more time or does she still didn't tell me about the fair. It was like I could not figure out why she would go through a divorce on a newer family and your parents didn't have a great marriage but they stuck it out, yelling like my parents have been married at that point close to 50 years in yellow so I was like I didn't get that divorce wasn't even in my vocabulary and only how can things be so bad that we can't just go get help and fix this, but she powered on and pressed on and I really didn't know what to think yelling you're at a loss. I really tried and tried and tried and I finally moved upstairs and he just kept thanking me like Cheryl. What I mean what can be so bad and so I'm keeping this huge secret. There's an elf in the room that he didn't know about so we divorce in August 1992 and obviously reading keep going to the same church.

So I'm the one that laughed and went to a new church and again.

This church was just the gospel was being preached every single week and I kept hearing it and Hearing it Hearing it and these women at the church. My age were normal, fine, and they they Loving on me and I kept thinking why do they love me so much, Matt has my life's a mess. I just went through divorce. I felt like I had to scarlet you know letter on me and and all of that and what I realizes what they had was Jesus and I didn't and so within a couple of months. Literally three months after we divorced I came to know the Lord as my Savior and so is great is that day was. That's how devastated I was to because what I saw is when I left, and in my wake and that was no broken marriage and broken family. Cheryl, I mean it's interesting to me to hear how God was working on your heart even in this of despair, really, how did you feel pressing ahead with the divorce when that day came and the divorce was final. How did you feel August 21, 1992 was the worst day of my life. That was the day her divorce was final and I stood at that in front of the judge and he said so you're here divorce and Jeff wasn't there. Of course he wasn't to go and I said yes and I stood there, my heart was just breaking. As I stood there and I thought what am I doing and then the attorney I left the judge and I walk outside the door and eat.

He grabs my hand and he said congratulations and I said to myself congratulations and so I literally got my car and I thought what in the world have I done but it's what I wanted. I called the guy that I had the unit was having an affair with said it's over, you know. And then we could actually start a relationship and I'm doing all these things. My heart is I am broken. It was the worst day. My life really was that contradiction when you look back on what was happening in your heart will I believe what was happening is that God was just coming after me ferociously. Don't do this, don't do this, don't do this and I is in my flesh.

Now I understand the difference between the spirit and the flesh.

My flesh was winning out. It was in then and I was following that I was diving into the temptation and I was buying the deception really what was going on, you still haven't told Jeff where things were at this point how long from the point where the divorce was final. Did you actually complain and basically tell Jeff what was going on yet and actually come clean them the way I found out was that year was through going to your house to pick up the girls and I went to the house pick up the girls and I saw him in her house will then I was able to put two and two together because I knew him he had come in for the weekend and so he was. It was like 6 o'clock in the evening and Jeff was picking the girls up for the weekend and the sky was right there at the front door as he just got her in my first feeling was actually relief because unlike you got the answer.

Now I know it's been going on is like me I can figure out what was gone up to the point but now at least made sense to me. And then it went pretty quickly to anger. I stayed in that anger stage for a couple years. Jeff, this is a tough place to cut off but we got here. That's the story again I think so many couples will benefit Cheryl I want to say thank you for being so vulnerable as we wrap up today and you know it takes a lot of courage but I am a big believer that when we as Christians allow our faults and arson to be shared in a respectful way people connect to that because you know what we are all sinners saved by grace and I just want to say thank you for being so bold thanks to end up. Let's come back next time and keep the story going because I just I can feel my bones were helping a lot of marriages today so thank you all the time today on Focus on the Family with their guests Jeff and Cheryl went by so quickly. As they opened up with us about their troubled marriage in their divorce, though it doesn't in there John. Next time will hear how God put it all back together for the Scruggs. It's amazing what happened and I don't want you to miss it. Maybe you've been listening to Jeff and Cheryl and you related to the brokenness in their marriage in your thinking.

My marriages kinda similar. I want to strongly encourage you to look into our program hope restored.

That's our intensive counseling program for couples struggling to keep their marriage alive.

Many of those couples who go have already signed divorce papers. But this is their last hope that something can be done. So if you need that kind of help. Please call us at least to find out more about hope restored yet would be happy to tell you about that opportunity and also about other resources and our counseling team are numbers 800 a family 800-232-6459 and a Jeff and Cheryl's book in which they share their story is called I do again you will be encouraged by their perspectives, and the thoughts of their daughters as well and request your copy when you get in touch and get a CD or download of this two-part broadcast work and have additional insights for hurting couples on the CD and download these and other helps@focusonthefamily.com/broadcast or call one 800 K and the word family and I hope you will prayerfully consider helping us to strengthen marriages that are in trouble. That's our mission together were in the trenches every day helping couples to thrive in their marriage with biblical advice and encouragement when you get a Focus on the Family I want to send you the book I do again as our way of saying thank you takes so many different joining together to make this kind of ministry possible.

Your partnership is vital and so please donate generously today when you get in touch again. Her phone number 800 a family on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team.

Thanks for listening to Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back next time.

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