Improve Yourself, Improve Your Relationships

I was convinced that nothing can change what was going on in our marriage and I want to try anymore but my commitment to God, help me try one more time. We went to a hope restored marriage intensive and it was life-changing. The counselors created the safest environment we could imagine so that let us really talk one a much different course now I believe we received a miracle that week received your free consultation.

Hope restored.com I can ever give my relationships is to work on who I within them and I change the transformation is in a private line, it began to ripple out to every line. I built best Dr. Leslie. And she is with us today on Focus on the Family along with her husband Douglas.

Your host is Focus on the Family president Dr. Jim Daly on John Fuller and thanks for doing this John what we do here. Focus pretty much as marriage part of everything because families that's where it all begins parenting is important as well but starts with marriage and keeping marriage is healthy is the goal that we want to make sure were doing all we can to fulfill that part of our motion and today were to have a great discussion about getting healthy in yourself, so that those around you, including most importantly your spouse you can have the healthiest relationship possible. And the fact is, if you want a healthy marriage. You have to be healthy yourself.

That's the bottom line. That's what our guests are talking about with us today and Les and Leslie have been married since 1984.

They have two sons and less as a clinical psychologist, Leslie, a marriage and family therapist in the very popular conference speakers and relationship experts and best-selling authors and today would be touching on their book healthy me healthy us subtitles. Your relationships are only as strong as you are really driving home agenda point you're making less Leslie let me welcome you Focus on the Family want to get back to be here little while, so it's good to have you.

We love being with friends, Melanie, let me just start off with this idea of what's the biggest question that you hear in this context of healthy marriage healthy me when you're counseling and speaking what is it that couples will come and say well we been here for years and only the question is what we do. What's the secret to a good relationship with time again if there was one big defining thing. Yeah, that's the question, and we say the answer is found in two words get healthy and when we say that we mean psychologically, emotionally, relationally, spiritually healthy.

The problem is you can see that but how do you get from point A to point B. That's what makes life so difficult for people that are limping. If I could set that way, emotionally, spiritually they're not healthy. So first you have to assess where am I right now, here's the problem that you know would never happen in my marriage.

I have a friend my friend but you know you always say always right, but you look at your spouse's flaws so quickly. I know we have a better marriage. If my spouse didn't do fill in the blank. Why is that not a wise way to go well because everyone relates right is so clear what everyone else can do to change this relationship that doesn't work is because we don't recognize that who we are is utterly contagious and the ripple of facts they go out our presence in a relationship completely change the dynamic of the relationship. It's powerful and that's what we say affect the whole book hinges on this very sentence that your relationship such as your marriage any relationship you really should put your kids relationship with whoever you relationships can only be as healthy as you are right there for one most important things you'll ever do for your relationships is work on who you are right, and that's the little twist here and so people don't always expect that you know this is what the secret of that relationship healthy because your relationship will benefit continue to the programmer and talk about those steps that you need to take. I want to go back in the book you have experience looking at art I think was Michelangelo's David the statue which is I've seen it as well and it is amazing that you actually took a detour and I thought that was really funny and profound to know what season you were there when we were there.

It was so hot lined up one, but it was you know an incredible thing to see something that you studied all your life in Michelangelo's life and 11 and so while people crowded around this incredible statue of David.

We thought will. Let's see if the criminal kind of thing out was wanted down a hallway and stumbled onto these things that are known as the captives and their blocks of stone that Michelangelo started and never finished and so you might see an arm protruding here is practice yeah or he he said he was always freeing the stone to be what it needed to be said these just they stopped right they never became whole and as we sat there mentally set on this bench. I look at those and I said something to the effective you can't help but to think about yourself as you look at those what's unfinished in me right is a great first question yeah and it really kind of spawned the conversation between the two of us about getting this deep sense because we started making our soul.

We know there are things in us that are still Capt. God would like to more fully heal the things that we can grow and and there's an best self.

We are not arriving nobody rise] we will wake up this this is I can check off my list them all and I could try to read your you know what I'm saying that we will think that this is somehow the somehow check it off your list eventually and we even think maybe if I get married and I leaned this person to be a shortcut to my well-being right and nobody can do that for you.

That's ultimately the work that we do with the Holy Spirit in our life. Not this other person as iron sharpens iron.

We can help each other on the pathway but we can't rely on that person to do that, that's true. Let's get into some of the no points of the book you mention unhealthy versus healthy so give us the attributes of the healthy person yeah well the first thing is there self-aware. It's difficult like we psychologist love to say awareness is curative once you become aware of something you can do something about it. I wanted our son Jackson's teenagers went to his room. A few nights ago and he plays the guitar in a couple guitars. One was on the floor. One was on his bed. He was leaning against his belly was reading must've been a million books on the floor and I just sent Jackson what is grazing you mean I said look at that's kinda messy I guess and I didn't say anything else that's all he said and walked away. Couple nights later I came in and guess what things cleaned up).

Well, that's the point. Awareness yeah so awareness is good yet proactive, resilient, optimistic, confident and pathetic, humble, grateful, growing through the spirit because, like for instance proactive proactive is where you get stuck because your placing blame or shifting blame my life.

You know I'm learning what can we do how can I be a part of whatever's getting stuck right now think another important one is there's a sense of humility on the healthy side wears on unhealthy side there's a sense of entitlement. We hear that word tossed around these days, but we all can fall victim to that the person that is growing its maturing is humble about recognizing I can't do this on my own. God help me be the person I need to be in a situation that's a healthy Christian. Actually, that's that fills in Scripture says roll center saved by grace. Right when we really understand that there were not better than anybody else's.

Just we see what we believe is the truth about who Jesus was.

Let's hit those unhealthy descriptors just to make sure people capturing those so the healthiest software, proactive, resilient, optimistic list is in your book. People can get a copy. Unhealthy describe some of those wells text that was self absorbed, which is self-aware where you know is a great thing that self absorbed is all about me. All I can see are my own needs. So it's a very consuming thing you not able to be fully present other people and offer yourself somebody where the conversation is just so focused on them. You realize there's no curiosity within them about you, you know, we called the curiosity quotient of zero and I've studied this figure. Sometimes were speaking some place we get in the car with somebody in there taking us and I always say to Leslie how long you think will take before they ask us a question other than how was your flight. When we first get in the car and it's a pretty good indicator as a barometer reading of how comfortable they are in own skin, but let's move to the hallmark of health. What are those three things you point out in the book that really do such on the right path limitation. We did a lot of research on this. This is the first question after somebody says okay what's the secret to healthy relationship. Well, good health okay will.

How do I get out right that's a question yeah and so what we try to do is put these three steppingstones in order and they really build on each other. Three steppingstones and you repeat them because it's not like you like it so you can check it off and went circulating ever deeper ever healthier but the first is just a profound significant yourself so yeah that seems little awkward.

You know me. I'm so special that's not what you say it's recognizing how profoundly significant you are in the eyes of God, which is the difference and you have to recognize that in fact he knows we walked into the doors of Focus on the Family to do this broadcast today I was reminded of so many friends we've had here in one of those friends is in heaven now HB London and HB had a saying it and by the way, we knew HB, long before he was at focus, because we were in graduate school. Los Angeles was our pastor. We want staff with the college pastors that Nazarene that's right. And he nearly every Sunday would say something to the effect of God loves you as if you're the only person on the planet to love.

Only later did I realize he stole that from St. Augustine but you know that is that's what were talking about here, being profoundly significant way. It's not just saying it and knowing it or quoting Scripture you know. Romans eight there is therefore now no condemnation for those of us in Christ Jesus, we might be able to quote that or sing about God's amazing grace in these wonderful him to know that I'm feeling deep down in your bones, letting it resonate in your spirit, not just so you can talk about it, but you feel it what you're saying is you believe it. That's right, you believe in and experience it. That's right so let's go to number two and three number and come back and do a little deeper dive each one so here's the three of them profound significance. Second is unswerving authenticity and the third is self giving love in the first one has to do with relating to God. The second is relating to yourself in the third is relating to everybody else. That's good. Let's peel it back to you in the book you mention something you observed Gary Smalley the late Gary Smalley great friend of all of our and Greg Smalley Mariner on the team. Her focus and it's great to have inherent all the stories of the family. Their whole life but you had an observation about something Gary did on stage one time the proofs that I think the point you're making you number one what happened at member member get loose because I think that's a Rose Garden Arena spent 7000 people there and he did something that captured everybody's at Christie's and masterful communicator. He was just part of the object lesson so he pulled out my thing was a $50 bill. Maybe $100 bill and he just said how many of you want this hundred dollar bill, the place went crazy. Of course, and some people even started to rush you simple words.

Everybody wants it, but let me do this to any crumpled it all and who wants it now and then he put on the floor. Any ground it down some dirt on you know and stomped on who wants it now but yet we still one reason why you still want to because it still has value right right and I can tell you we have some listeners right now the file. You guys don't know my story you don't know what I've done profound significance for me doesn't fly for me. And third, just like that currency.

They still have value when maybe somebody says I don't want that lookup filthy.

That is right and we discounted because of what that person might've done. God doesn't do that and that's why it's this profound significance. Yeah what's so true about significance is this is nothing that you can achieve. We don't earn it like this is that I think the melody gift we received from God inherent our beloved and that we have to draw near to God in order to experience that in our soul. Once we have that real experience that shapes everything about how we connect with others in the way to do that is to focus on the single most important conversation you ever have had it this morning. You can have it tonight if you have it, even while you sleep. Because this conversation is 24 seven. It's your internal dialogue at your self talk. Imagine if before you fell asleep tonight.

You could pull little computer chip out of the back your head and putting your laptop and it would tabulate all of your self talk for less.

24 hours and it would dump it into one of two categories, either positive or negative. Which of those would be most full for you at the end of any given day if you like most people on average 78% of that self talk would fall into the negative bucket notice research at UCLA. This is an armchair psychology but not the person who has a lock on the profound significance, but that's where it begins that that awareness were talking about tuning in to those tapes that we played in the word that that's coming to my mind is identity and some of that plays into this. That's how you form your identity in Christ right right in Christ is the key key trying to see yourself from that position of identity in Christ. Who am I clear on that before he moved to number two in a little more deeper way. How does a person who's the crumpled hundred dollar bill maybe the one that's been stomped on in your illustration. How do they began to reshape their identity and their perception of themselves broken person.

I love the Scripture is close to the brokenhearted right and saves those questions. That's the analogy right one bag at start of life work things we do is move past our path. We have to start dealing with some of the unfinished business in our life and and that's really how we begin to receive that sense of profound significance by letting God gently bring to the surface are wins and heal us little by little and not that the prophet and I love what you said about bringing it into awareness because sometimes this is one of the indicators of needing to work on this idea of getting healthy when we take our secrets. We take our woundedness we take the things that that really consume less resentments and we hold them underneath the surface almost like holding a basketball underneath the water try to do that where you think I hit myself in the chin. So many of us can walk through life with that same emotional energy trying to stuff all that down, and so when Leslie says get past your past, we have a whole chapter. There's two chapters for each of these things in the first is tuning your self talk and the second is getting past your path so that person is feeling crumpled those two things are vitally important or vitally important for all of us, particularly that person is feeling unworthy got to get moving.

My favorite unswervingly authentic.

How does vulnerability play into authenticity.

Vulnerability is everything right because when where I check where just comfortable in her own skin.

And again, this takes a measure of humility because were not talking about perfection were talking about just honesty and integrity with our how God has designed us to be and were not letting ourselves become a reflection of everyone else were tuning in to what the spirit is telling us is our calling. I can't tell you how many times I've had somebody coming in our counseling office struggling with that proverbial disease to please you know I'm talking about that person that walks around eggshells thinking that maybe if I did this thing over here.

I get so-and-so's attention.

Maybe if I did this mom and dad give me the blessing make I get accepted at this group. If I made this decision.

This person has a lock on knowing that God has called them to travel this path in spite of what anybody else says but I mean they call them blind spots for reasonably asked so you know how how do we become more aware of our blind spots, which is where you're going to find out more accurately who you are yet there's a treasure trove there when you can drop defensiveness and just be willing to ask for feedback and receive it takes some current blank spots ever. Some common ones, you know.

Oh my goodness well here I am I maturing counselor and we've been married now for 3+ decades and one day less said to me you listening to me professional listener are so and I got defensive over time. I started paying attention. And here's what happened.

I realized I am still here with this person who I love more than anyone on the planet that you would see what he thinks and feels. I start how he thinks and feels. I hope Jean is not was okay. So spot that was my best drink and it was clearly not dropping it. Defensiveness actually gave me patience with me and I was aware that and humbled and that's good. Okay, let's get to the last one that last hallmark is self giving love. I think that is the demarcation of the Christian right, that ability to love another. Everybody has capacity to do that. But to do it in Christ is should be deep and profound yes yes and not shallow and complicated yeah yeah this is where it becomes about other people. This is now where we walked around to health to the other person and this is where you begin to love the life you live because like it's pretty exciting when you begin to give your life away to other people right and it's very difficult to do that without getting a lock on your profound significance that God loves you as if you're the only person on the planet to love and then you begin to follow that path that God is called you and your profound significance and is coupled with unswerving authenticity and then all of a sudden, you begin to recognize it. Other people have needs that aren't always the same things that you have.

You begin to transcend your own boundaries, to recognize other people's needs and in my opinion I think this is what you begin to put into practice the greatest relationship lesson that has ever been taught. If the greatest relationship sermon that is ever been preached right. We call it the sermon on the mount right and Jesus gave us so many radical things it in that message but the one that stands out to me is where he says hey you want to do something that will turn your relationships inside out.

Don't just walk the 1st mile everybody sees that, we do that clear conscience is and walked another mile is expecting see what happens in your life defining moments where somebody offers you that extra mile moment. Sometimes it's small, sometimes it affect and it becomes a defining point of grace.

I actually had Wendy's in our story because in that season of life.

When I was a frazzled mom had so much on my plate and I was headed out to run some errands and quickly realized my little guy had fun. The sleep so I back to the house doing less with some carefully lifted him out of the car seat so as not to wake the sleeper, which is a miracle and that happens, drop them off at the house, hopped back in my car just full of energy to go get my errands done, unencumbered, and as I backed out of the garage. There was this giant collision and it happened that I had left the car door open and as I backed out the car door ripped off the car and dismantled our garage door at the same time I was upstairs in my study, it was an earthquake.

It was incredible shaking. That was a big one moment I had not shut the car door not to wake the sleeping child and then I created this epic collision.

However, in that moment I you know just everything in me is undone.

Less lockstep to me and just wraps his arm ran down to what maybe are just great five is a life one word. I mean it was must at compromising moment. I can imagine just walked up to me, gave me a little test we've been in a new car door and never one other comment me. Let me land here. Someone's been listening and are going okay.

My marriage is a good spot there something going on not been able to put my finger on it.

I don't have a great relationship with my parents, my siblings and friends whatever in nursing for the first time. Maybe it is me. Maybe there's something in me that is causing these broken relationships that actually is a good place to start. That's the right observation. What would you say to that individual whose hearing you and going to catch it. I get it now. What about the person that saying that is taking the very most important step right there going. Maybe I'm reading something to this that needs to be corrected that awareness feeling shame and empowering thing to recognize that the best gift I could ever give my relationships is to work on who I then I change the transformation is in a private one. It begins to ripple out to every blind eye belt and it's amazing relationships are like a mobile that hangs from the ceiling and if you change one little piece of that. It has to find new equilibrium, new balance, and one person you wait. We always hear these people. I've tried everything I can do anything he needs to change right but when you work on becoming whole becoming the person that God created you to be. It's incredible what happens to the equilibrium. That relationship is all the sudden other people around you start to go all new dance steps you forgot this unhealthy when we were behaving doesn't work anymore with her or him yeah it's so good that Les and Leslie really strong stuff you guys, this is a lifetime effort.

You guys have talked to so many people you've taught you counseled you've spoken it so many large events and you put all that wisdom into this, and I just hope people are catching up today because I know how much effort it takes to capture these things.

Read the word understand and apply it to the experiences that you had in counseling. Done a great job and let me turn to the listener viewer.

I mean, I can't imagine that you don't know somebody if it's not you need some help or your spouse somebody in your orbit needs a copy of this book and so often, you know, we say give a gift of any amount become a monthly pledge or just single one-time gift and will send it as our way of saying thank you copy this great book, but also we often say we believe in the content so much that if you can afford it will trust other people will cover the cost of that. So let's literally let's move these books out Focus on the Family don't order from a big online company shareholders put it to work. Your focus when you get the copy of the book your focus. It goes back in the saving marriage is saving a baby's life.

I don't think the other guys are doing that so wanted to help us do ministry together and I get a copy of lesson. Leslie's great book healthy me healthy us today. Joni take her free marriage assessment as well.

The details are in the episode notes or call one 800 K and the word for will join us again tomorrow in his radio host and author Brent Hansen shares about resting in God's promise. But if I don't have that grace I have to prove my rightness all the time to validate myself to justify my existence for me to not have to do that so free, on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team. Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back. As we once more help you and your family thrive in Christ. When a woman discovers her husband struggled with pornography. She needs a practical plan. The least book from Focus on the Family aftershock but professional counselor Joanne Conti will help you through the seven steps of self-care and learn how to deal with the emotions involved in the discovery of your husband's addiction. Joanne Conti's timeless wisdom. If you hope, even while hearing your whole season of aftershock. Learn more about aftershock focusonthefamily.com/store