Thriving in the Early Years of Marriage (Part 2 of 2)

But I remember sitting in her living were have a nice conversation and I said something to this day I still can't tell you what is it I said but I got this incredible reaction from him, she jumped out of her chair and ran to our bedroom and she wanting what what just happened in the what am I supposed to do like my dad never told me marriage is doing this.

My wife just gives emotional outbursts and in my mind I'm thinking do I follow her to the bedroom and try to repair this or should I sit here in the living room and outlast this behavior that looks really bad will have you been there.

I know I have. Those are uncomfortable moments, but we have some great advice for you today, for those kinds of tricky situations, especially in the early years of marriage.

This is Focus on the Family with focus presidents and author Jim Daly and I'm John Fuller that's right, John.

The last time we had a really lively discussion with Bill and Pam Farrell about the unique aspects of the first five years of marriage. Today were delving into want to Bill and Pam's key points why it's important to be tough on yourself and your own flaws tender toward your spouse.

All of that and more@focusonthefamily.com/broadcast or call 800 K and the word family. They were delving into one of the key points that Bill and Pam made why it's important to be tough on yourself and your own flaws, yet tender toward your spouses Bill and Pam Farrell speak worldwide on the subject of relationships and have a marriage ministry called love wise there. The authors of over 50 books.

They have three grown sons, three daughters-in-law and five grandchildren. Here's the second part of our great conversation with Bill and Pam Farrell on Focus on the Family Bill and Pam, welcome back to Focus on the Family for his help build our marriage because we came from sex crazy back every day and now here being able to have other couples.

It's wonderful that I came to how may times the first five years of our marriage. We asked the question. So, did you hear focus today because it became a part of our family conversation helping us develop skills were talking about when I was so good. Dr. Dobson did such a great job with just came in talking about the area of marriage and we get that when we travel quite a bit but will talk about what they've learned and that's that's a privilege and we want to say thank you to those that pray and support us for now is that makes a difference. I think as we move forward in the culture, the strengthening of family Christian families and the culture is going to become more and more important as the culture does less and less to invest in family and I think it will be God's design as we move forward to be a witness to the world. That's a different topic, but let's pick up from where we left off last time we are talking about selfishness. John it was good of you to say you're so selfless, welcome to stay married. God works on what women need in that relationship that ability for man to say basically. Is this a problem-solving moment. Are you just need me to say and for women to realize that their men we have fragile egos and we really need the affirmation of our there's no secret why. Flirting works is when a woman flirts with her man. He gets the sense of confidence. He gets his said the sense that you want somebody in my life and beliefs to compete with everybody in my life as we go to work. We know are competing we are in escorting that we know were competing often when the guys get together would banter with each other because were competing with one another. But when we go home and is a woman home flirting with us would like to compete with this when she's proud of me. She believes in me, she sees me with other people don't see okay but the question and that is why after a couple of years maybe maybe a couple weeks or couple months for newlyweds that begins to diminish the desire to flirt that way because now I mean I've seen this guy in the morning when he's eating his oatmeal used to live with ourselves. Like I know there's areas in my life when I put effort until they grow really fast. It's exciting. There's other areas of my life.

I put an enormous amount of effort and moves an inch and I got used to that me suddenly everything else in my life that's got the same thing going in her life was patient with her slow-growing stuff as I am my slow-growing stuff all that you asked what is it you boil it all down, that need to people from sex dysfunctional homes be able to have a happy marriage 35 years later, when did you do is newlyweds. What was the key. We would say we work tough on ourselves and tender on our spouse because that's counterintuitive when you get into conflict like you want to do is be tough on your spouse like she will graduate next step in my part so we tend to be my nature. Tough on our many times are on ourselves, but we need to turn it around and say what you need to do they need to grow me up so that is worked out in our relationship with my side of the equation. What maturing me so that our marriage is stronger and if a newly wed either a wife or husband. They're both doing that then that means that relationship is stronger and stronger and stronger every year. If they just give in to being tough on their spouse and turn on themselves. Pull parts and become a statistic.

When the reasons we wrote first five years of marriage is because one in four marriages don't even make it helped that first five years, 14. Follow what you really saying there you so often we have a difficult time connecting Scripture to our real lives because we think that's what that's kind of poetry in that we don't understand it it's real, you're saying in a different way. What the Lord said specifically that is take the log out of your own. You take the speck out of your spouses are in this context in your marriage that's exactly what you're saying. We talked about how marriage helps us be selfless, but it is an act of faith for me to say if I work on me and I become a husband that I should become I can trust God to help him become the wife she needs to be and if I say if I work on me and become the life that God has called me to I can trust God.

Same thing for my husband that that sounds good and that works for 2448 hrs. and now the husband and said something that his really created a new less of a desire to do that.

He's annoyed you, I'm not going to be that Wi-Fi need to be you start rationalizing rather than staying the course and same regardless of how he responds or she responds. I'm still going to be the man or the woman that my spouse needs because there's no downside if we choose to be the person God created us to be the very best, even if the worst happens and that relationship falls apart, which probably won't because love wins out that we become people that people want to be wrapped like we have the for the spay left IP's patient kindness want to hang out with that. But if we say going on and want to hang out with this friends won't want to either and we become toxic and so the goal is to move ourselves from toxic but we have a clip from someone who struggles in this area were selfishness and I think again it's one of the key things we touched on last time. But let's touch on it again. Let's play this clip and have you respond. My wife and I got married in early 30s and were funny difficult to transition from doing things my way in her way or my stuff in her stuff to our stuff, our way is very frustrating because were so used to living a single adults number, turning to marriage. So what can we do as a team we start thinking as a team first step is to expected we go to marriage, expecting to be really smooth. It can be easy. We were just so caring about one another word and work all the stuff out really easy and wish me to link up with this can be fun but you should expect you to test one another because their areas of insecurity in all of our lives and whether we voice it or not I'm asking the question. Can I trust Pam with the areas of my life where I'm insecure and all those Arizona tester on time and as women especially what is that look like this is another example. No question that is so bedazzled by your beauty. I can't immediately test each other all the time to see what is more valuable job. What is my car for me as a guy I know.

Pam's real spontaneous. So first year of our marriage. I have made a budget apartment was because I want us to be responsible financially and I heard the presentations about how important all that is part of it too was I wanted to see if Pam would keep a budget surgery yeah yeah I will respect me have to go along with our agreements financially. Funny story actually lit so we made this agreement that we weren't in a stand more than X dollars. Unless we called and checked in with each other. So, I am an entrepreneur I go to this conference and I by the magic beans and on the way home I have buyers marks because it is more than the amounts that I was supposed to have called and checked my way to be a girl, I totally violated lies dead in situations of blow things up until he violated this trust in the Holy Spirit is picking me as I decided a desperate practical.

I walked in, walked in. I said honey tell you something you're not like it but I need you to tell me I like you and will get through this together and she told me through gritted teeth.

I love you Kim and we will get through this together. We worked, and 10 years later.

Fast forward, my dad died is a significant amount of money on in this state. To me, and Bill's really great at investments and things that we had our own well you know there's plenty of those investment fraud things going around a lot nicer. Recruiters and investment donations come home and tell me that those many zeros were no longer in our bank account. He shot up a prayer.how can I tell Pam dead so I said Pam I have something to tell you and you're not gonna like it.

What I need to tell me as I love you Bill and will get through this together and I remember the grace that I had been given as a newlywed 10 years before and so it was easy to get that same grace sounds like our magic beans may have been less expensive than his heart that matters. And that's it.

That's a great way to look our marriage was more important than bank account at that point it would just fire upon Pam but we thinking will you and so many couples go there rather preserve the heart, to each of his behavior when I think the other aspect of that it's sometimes easy release.

What I have found it's easier to respond appropriately when it's a big issue compared to, the vision of the little thing but the bigger issues of those little things that you and we we have the conversation we were encouraging this couple to sit down. Divide up responsibilities decide together how you can do this together because if you don't decide by accident is critical because emotional turmoil. So we decide first year marriage, Pam's to take care of the kitchen at the beginning of our relationship and I'm assuming that means you can put things away in the kitchen in the same place every time I try to place everything thing is places got like stuff like every hammer. I mean he's just go kitchen PMs put the smaller cups under the bigger cups in the cabinet so I pulled the big cup off to get water all over the counter is driving me crazy. It's a silly stuff in the kitchen. But I think what one shift to be this way what is going on. There is something far deeper in the heart is it's one little bead you know cups in the cupboard really are not. But there's something in there in you not in Pam is raising stress in my life in you that you got a deal is now time to my schedule gets interrupted and I don't know what a lot of guys we could interrupted anchors. The first thing we feel some fight net back and and it's just a little thing but it's the way. Well, we all your teach and then it's a choice of hardware to let God change that your dictation into something positive. For example, think a lot about your spouse can become the source of your teaching.

While I was built luscious coffee like coffee that he doesn't love to get his coffee led to the sink to relax. No dirty coffee. My dad put me in the car is on the sidewalk in the shower Susan Glenn day is really good man precious pastor godly man and I just whispered change versus leak that your brain you love covers a multitude of sins like this is a sin to drink coffee you're feeling like it is very quiet about. Bless those who persecute you and feeling pretty persecuted right now so bless your man dirty coffee. Mike and so I just started praying and singing time I saw Bill's dirty coffee Mazel large black everything he puts his hand to prosper and I felt like yesterday when when clean lines and clean compromise and then I thought why everybody just pray for all we want to airport everybody carries a cosmic blessed all day long every day, and the precious thing is, now I see a dirty coffee.

Mike sexy smile and is fond affection burning anger is a newlywed transformation because God changed me magically happened actually getting better at putting his coffee mugs and this thing is not exchanged well again you could put anyone down in there to fill it out for your own personal situation, but whatever drives your husband crazy or your wife crazy.

Just put that word in there and it's a beautiful example in your book. The first five years, you mention something I think is really important. I want to make sure we cover you talk about the woman's need to control and this again are generalizations we know not everybody fits this type but a majority of people do and I'm sure that's what you put it in a woman's need to control and how a man tends to be selfish. These are two kind of paramount characteristics in our gender, and let's talk about that for a minute because both of those can drive the other crazy one is control. What does that look like when a woman a newly married young woman is beginning to exert control over her husband talk about the man and his selfishness in a minute spot control is if you're acting more like his mother are your mother ships number from a life to like the control freak, but how do you how you see it. How do you does it come so naturally a lot of struggles in place. Actually, you know, in the garden of Eden when God made the trees and God made flyers not made and laws after each one of those and it was good but man, you said that he was telling me to show that things got better and silly nature as women to want to make things better will make situations that it will make people better will make the world better and so comes from a good place to limits under that Holy Spirit's control. When we are seeking our will underneath God's well it's a happy thing, happy place, but it's when we take that back. You might have a better idea than God just like Eve did a better idea than mine, and it's all about me and my ideas that swing shift into danger comes from a good place because women can always see how things could be better. It's a gift that they have that doesn't mean that they actually have control over everything that needs to get better when a woman says you what I can make that, but I can legitimately make that better to put some effort into it. It's awesome thing when she starts looking at the areas that she doesn't have control over, but tries to make them better. Anyway, that's when it becomes controlling it and it could be a becomes a destructive thing in a relationship.

At first, I always tell women. Okay, let's complement your mantra when he is doing well.

Rat likes a lot like he's the one who present the kids at bedtime and he's not blind you like once you devotions I might want one as last time that you said thank you for like me to paycheck or said thank you five online like if he yelled to the trash. Are you thanking him because what I see is when we start thinking that he wants to step up and do some the other things that we might think that are valuable like praying and things like that but always feeling like if he tries it's not good enough.

Like why try my way working to defeat him the control. Let's let you know we can with the guys up her dress, her back to that point of the selfishness and it kind of is the other side of this because I think wife is going to see the fact that he doesn't step up and do some of these things because he's selfish. She's wanting to spend time out in the garage or is watching news, weather and sports and you know wow can you not pour into my life for our kids lives a little more energetically at sea for men. The struggle is a God made us passionate. He put testosterone in our bodies and we have passion for the things of our life and it was put there so we would have passion for a career passion for our wives and passion for families and men get distracted all the time we get distracted sports we get distracted.

The sexual things we get distracted in the hobbies and the passionate should go and your families ends up going in your personal pursuits or even the distractions that are dangerous to the rest of our life and challenge for men is we've got to get our passions focused and it's one of reasons why us many to come around other men. Because when a man says to you to focus on your family right now. We accept that for men when it comes from a female voice might live like a really she says he wants to go golfing with gel and encourages that the Latin have a great guy time with gel might be a great role model had treated wife and how to raise your kids and so rather than nagging if you help your husband felt this wonderful godly man around him.

That's an idea favoritism.

In fact, one of the areas. This is showing itself in young couples.

Today's videogames want to play a clicker from someone who's struggling in this area and get your response cycling and married for a few years my husband seems to be obsessed with video games. It seems like he spends more time doing that many does with me or our two-year-old son. How can I get him to recognize that he's addicted to this is a really good question touches a lot of young couples lives because that prolonged adolescence is occurring especially for young men that are coming out of an environment where they have done this they been allowed to do it and it's been trained into them. Almost that's how you do it you come home after work and relax or spend two or three hours playing video games while what a great way to destroy a relationship locating the first step. She needs to be praying for him and praying that God makes this an issue in his life because of God tells them to stop this and become more responsible. It will start moving so let's first second step is continue the prayer and say go, would you bring men into his life that will address this issue. So that's a place to start because so I haven't heard you as the wife go and deal with this you yet not yet okay and get it. So it's the first instinct is I just need to tell him this out. I need to make an issue which tends to just create resistance and so the very thing she's trying to accomplish into backfiring a little hard.

I deserve this is what she's can hear if she doesn't preempt it with prayer, but he spends time praying about how to approach a godsend men around him and 1/3 thing to pray is give him passion Baker videogame like let him get excited about time with me like to get excited about time with our kids get excited about homeownership Lynn get excited about serving in the church let something light a fire under my man said that it's more important than that videogame. That's hard to compete with because those are entertaining their stimulating their offer combat games, and it kind of appeals to our 56-year-old manager is little little boy's heart most powerful thing that she could do this not come if you like the most powerful thing to her is to plan things with her and her son that she will do. Whether he's involved or not.

So were were going to. We just took her kids art our grandkids to a gymnastics open him and the kids got the walk of balance beams and jump on trampolines and playing in the big pits of foam and if she plants things like that is is he working to go to this.

Would you like to join us sometimes will choose to go. Some of us choose not to. When the kid comes back and talks about how exciting it was to go and he missed out she's now leveraging the power to feel powerful to her. She wasn't directly hit.

She's was real so you need to get up and you need to take as needed to do this, but if she will create activities that he's welcome to come join the great memories for her son.

That's most powerfully she can do her part cream.

We heard some really excellent advice from our guest today on Focus on the Family Bill and Pam Farrell.

It's been privileged to have them here the past couple of days. I so appreciate their heart to help newlyweds make the effort to learn how to navigate the more challenging aspects of marriage and build that strong foundation.

They can rely on. As the years go by.

That is so good and with the divorce rate of 25% or so in those first five years of marriage this is certainly information couples need. That is a sad statistic that so many breakups so soon. It really is and you know when the pharaohs were here.

We recorded another broadcast about the communication skills needed to enjoy physical intimacy as a young married couple. They really had some excellent advice to share, so will post a link to that on the website to and you'll find that another great help for your marriage when you click links in the episode show notes. Let me also remind you that Focus on the Family is here to help your marriage. Whatever stage your head. We have an entire department here that is focused on creating useful marriage resources like articles, devotionals, and are Focus on the Family marriage podcast we want to help your marriage thrive. I hope you get that. So, visit our website and see what we can do for your marriage a great place to start is our free marriage assessment.

It's a short quiz that will help you identify the strengths and weaknesses of your relationship and if you need help, please remember you can also request a call back from one of our caring Christian counselors will give you biblical advice you can trust. It's a free service. We have provided for over 44 years of ministry. Thanks to the support of our donor community and if you'd like to be a part of the work we're doing here, Focus on the Family.

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Right now we understand that we can also send it to you for a one time gift donate and I request your book when you call 800 232-645-9800 K in the word family or you can request the first five years. Make your donation. Just follow the links in the episode notes on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team. Thanks for joining us today for this Focus on the Family podcast if you would please take a moment leave a comment and awaiting Apple podcast or wherever you listen and then sure about this episode with a friend probably know some young married couples. This kind of I'm John Fuller inviting you back once more help you and your family thrive in Christ