Living a Full Life With an Empty Nest

Hi this is Jim Daly with Focus on the Family. I want to let you know about an online experience called sea life, 20, 21 in the six episode video series were sharing stories and encouragement that will inspire and empower you to live out your pro-life views. You'll also discover valuable resources to help you step up and get involved in the cause. This is a digital experience, you and your family won't want to miss all the details are Focus on the Family.com/sea life. I call myself Mark and Jill to Mike until one point now with that when we were raising our family that Mike and Jill to pray now is in this new season of life where identifying the possibilities of the Internet to gather oftentimes people have been waiting for the kids to leave so long forgotten that maybe it actually could be different. It might take some work to make it different because without a doubt, you probably got into some bad habits, stop communicating about you know you're not communicated about feeling dreams anymore. Jill Savage joins us today on focus family president Dr. Jim Daly and on job John that some of your children who left the nest and come back with. We've actually had some nights with no children in the home and its article feeling were not sure what to do with Loring Ward. No doubt in my we have one out one to go were almost there. I'm sure you have some of that up and flow like most parents feel but I'm looking forward to it. I was just having dinner with the one that moved out trip the other night and it had been a few days since we had connected.

I just told him I said do you mind if I call you because I'm missing you is actually not sick. We just make a little agreement that will try to talk once a week together for the rest of our lives. He said yeah I'd love that dad is okay as well. Make sure because I just don't want to go too long with out connecting with you and that there is that attachment there you want to be connected to kids. I hope not.

Words overdone.

But today we want to talk about empty nesting that next step is and what that full life looks like.

I think in part. It does mean continuing to love your children, even though they're not at home yet. And this is a great season for parents and our guest can address this in a wonderful way. Jill Savage and her husband Mark have launched five children. She's a popular speaker and author if it grandkids. By the way, which is wonderful part of their story and she's written a great book called empty nest full life. We got copies of that here at Focus on the Family give us a call or look for the link in the episode notes Jill, it's always good to have your Focus on the Family with us, you heard that there even through letting go of those children. Five times now like you heard I'm in the middle of it and advise you know I love you sent your sign. He suggested a plan. Can we try to connect at least once a week that I think a lot of times what happens is emptiness. Parents don't. They're not forthright with that. They hence they are offended that their child doesn't call them and sometimes we just need to put that plan out there and see if they are agreeable to that now assay of my five children. I talked with them at different paces okay will that's good to know your child you got in know your child and it's okay all of the spaces okay and I talked to some of my daily mouse and I talked to web assignment in Australia and I talked to him probably every two weeks, maybe three at a little more expensive but thankfully now even through Facebook messenger or something like that we can stay connected. Sally, you gotta find what works for both you know it's funny with that. I think one of the reasons I got such a good responses.

You have to transition is apparent to when your kids move out. It's not telling them what to do anymore. Nope. And this is really hard, I think, particularly for Christian parents because you know we still would probably over linger the parenting phase yet and were still providing advice and direction at a time when they need to find their own way spread their wings or speak to speak to that that earning the right I mean if I I think with Trent.

If I were overindulging or taking advantage of the relationship telling what to do and continued to parent him he be less likely to say yes to once and I don't want to listen to you once a week that let's make it once a month.

That is, you gotta transition your parenting. You really do and this is hard because quite frankly, we have been experts at telling our kids what they think. So the kids but we know it was our job to figure out what was best for them. And of course in you know, ideally in the teen years you want to be transitioning out and letting them make more of their own decisions by it difficult for us since I think that's one of the places that parents really struggle making that transition and then because they can't let go of it. The kids start to pull away more rain don't even the parent doesn't realize that they are contributing to that pulling away, absolutely. And that's the sadness and the role you want to be connected. I think it's right biblical one to be there. Okay enough about my situation youngest married just before Christmas and that was the last one out of the last year feeling was pretty good at first but then something happened in the triggers that can happen. I'm thinking especially for mom's yes this was big for me as a mom that he got married right right before Christmas and has been, and I just went into the springlike screen and you know he could go with me on speaking engagements and things that we hadn't done before and he went he and I were starting to speak together more in marriage and all of that was happening. Unlike nesting is all August everything is back to school. I am seeing on social media mom saying where to get the best deal in this in writing for probably with all five kids for 30 years in their groove school time doing all the stuff that I'm going back to school shopping and helping my kids get their school supplies and all you little weird, love that I only this year and I'm not getting into the grief was a delayed grief for me and it caught me off guard to start crying I do. I'm scrolling through the bike and I'm bawling my eyes out and going only the loss of it was very real. You have a couple of illustrations of mind games or manipulations that do one you call stinking thinking stinking thinking well you know I sent out an empty nest full life really encouraging mom's and and even dad site with a lot of dads that have read this and have said, you know, let's take a look at your what's the perspective you're looking at life through what lies are you struggling with personally that are going to get in the way of a healthy relationship with your adult kids like let's let's talk about the places where maybe the lands that you're looking through is maybe not as healthy as it could be and that if we don't deal with that. You're not going to be able to walk through this journey of the empty nest in a way that is can be successful for you and your kids so stinking thinking is don't think poorly.

Be careful about the lies that your believing about yourself like I don't have any value anymore.

Well okay that's okay maybe it is a lie about, you know I'm not good enough. I'm not anything let me ask you this. In that regard that stinking thinking and I appreciate that all you just but you can also begin to ruminate on what you could've done better yet mean we only get to do parenting like one time right right. We have two kids with four kids, whatever, but you can go through doesn't come with a manual now hopefully write or call Focus on the Family to get some help, but at the end of another. Your kids are leaving on what would've handled that situation what you do with that emotional well you know it's interesting when I started to write emptiness for life. I went back to my own journey and one of the things in my journey I was struggling.

It was this August date.

You know when I'm struggling with it. And God takes me to the book of Ecclesiastes and it's the set of verses that are there is a season for everything.

Time for time to laugh, a time to cry and I happen to be reading the message version and it said there is a time to let go and a time to hold on and I went on my kindness hard.

That is something I really need to understand what do I need to let go of and what I need to hold onto this season of life. So I began to journal that you now what do I need to let go of and I guide brought me a handful of things like that.

One of the things was let go of guilt let go of guilt can't redo it. You can't and so what I have had to do is I've had to tell myself, Jill. You did the best you could with the knowledge that you had any experience that you had at that point. I'm a different person now if I went back and parented.

Now I do something different there might be room to talk with that adult child and say okay have been thinking about it. You've left you not thought about the years that God gave us together and if I could do a few things differently these of the two or three things I might've done differently.

What you think and they might say. You're absolutely right.

Those are good, but I got her three other side of the sure. Just open it… Because really you know it's really good is your preparing them for being a parent as well you you're still parenting but in a very indirect way and there's nothing wrong with even apologizing to them directly art perfection infection another mind game we place ourselves with prevention infection like your writing here while the perfection infection actually started talking about that in mind I'm a perfect mom's book is the first time I really dug into that because the perfection of actions when we have unrealistic expectations of ourselves and we unfairly compare ourselves to others. Right okay in man. If we don't grab hold of this perfection infection and start to kick it out. Our life then it will reach haptic it will drive that guilt you know it will fuel it and and and it will hold us back. Instead of moving Joe something I've observed and again it's a generalization, so I apologize on the 8020 rule but I think generally moms tend to be fear and control. I called person believe you know when their fear goes up as the kids are doing well in school were there hanging out with the wrong friends or just something that fear in the mom goes up, then the only lovers control so she jumps to that she done roach and you know a lot about and this is just prior to empty witness, perhaps with teenagers and I just think teenage boys are great example. That's my experience and I just I observed that so profoundly that fear and control and the irony is you got a load off their oxygen hose to let them experience likely to make mistakes you gotta embrace that and know that's going to happen and pray. Yes, but speak to, fear, control, and particularly the mom's heart. Yeah, it's huge for us and it really falls under a couple of things that I talked about needing to let go of let go of opinions and then let go of your child's problems because that's where fear and control really come in and so one of things I talk about in emptiness for life as I talk about my amicable statement, but I'll take what I preach a statement to myself all the time. Pray, don't say pray all my wind that fear and control want to come in. I want to make commentary on their life. I want to tell them what they need to be doing.

I want to speak to things that I feel are out of balance in their life and that's my job.

In the book is called the keep it shut that we gotta learn how to keep it shut and man that is hard because we've been making commentary and we've been giving verbal direction for 20 some years is little grace to time. But you need to get there as quickly as you can with your twentysomethings. You won't have a relationship with your right yeah I was talking to her executive producer Rob Kirkpatrick earlier mentioned a financial decision on my kids is making any said well they're out of the house as it can affect your finances not your problem really good wisdom that fits their thing. Let them do it and keep it shut. Good example of the book you want your son came home with a man bun and it shot you because he had not consulted you this is so relevant to all of those sound like good adherence issue. You know, whatever that might be fill in the blank but man, you did not talk to me about that. I would never have told you to do well and you know that falls under two things that we need to let go of one is lack of expectation you need to let go of expecting to know things you would have known before. Like if he was going to tear out I wouldn't write because he would've been under my rough but at that point he was away at college and I didn't know we hadn't seen each other for several months and I didn't realize that thinking with facial hair grow a beard and I would like. I felt left out because I didn't know those things. So that's what we gotta let go of expectations, but also you can let go. Vitals, because your child's appearance may be an idol to you who Yep is sending me yes yes and man that is hard. It's hard for us to admit that by the truth is we all struggle with that. I mean, you know, and not that he is man been. I worried about that. I got a daughter that you know is always changing her hair color and were not talking about blonde and brunette. It's purple and pink and blue get out and I really used to bother me. At one point she had dreadlocks and it bothered me because I didn't when we came right down to it, it was an idol.

I didn't feel she'll represent what mother exactly about what people get when you worry about what people think you see a red flag that you probably actually on stuff that may not matter that much help discern the adult will be hitting close to home on some things. We hope that you're finding some fun along the way here with Jill Savage.

Our guest today on Focus on the Family.

We do encourage you to get a copy of the book empty nest whole life and I'll suggest you get a copy from us@focusonthefamily.com/broadcast or when you call 800 the letter a in the word family Jill summer going yeah that's funny her color her bones.

What about more serious stuff. So let's ask that when you covered in the book, you have some confess to you, same-sex attraction is very common right now Focus on the Family are counseling department.

Those issues of nontraditional sexual experimentation, whatever you want to call it those calls were rising here Focus on the Family Christian parents are dealing with that issue either in their parenting of adult children or grandparenting yes and how did you manage that with your son. Yeah well you know what I've come to learn is that accepting your child does not mean green and our son needs us to accept him accept his reality of his struggles. He may not perceive them as struggles but to accept that reality in his life, but that doesn't mean green lath and I think that that is a place that we as parents to struggle because we feel like if I accept it and I'm saying it's okay by you know, one of the things our son said to us at one point is he said you guys don't agree with me but you left me no idea how many of my gay friends don't have that from their Christian family. So yes, so he stayed right there. He does that our acceptance doesn't mean a green lath we've had that conversation, but he still knows that he belongs. He's a part of our family. We love him and I think that is the place where we have to, you know we have to begin to maybe make some switches in our thinking as parents are our adult kids will make decisions. We will not agree with, but they still need us to love them, they still need to know that they belong in our family. So what is the analogy that all maybe how God loves us that he loves us even though he won't agree with the decisions we make in parallel so striking and I get that but I applaud the fact that you hang on to loving your children, which is what the Lord does for each one of us should the other thing to do is when relationship is broken. It severs the ability for God to work through you and you never know were persons going to go.

You don't know where your son will be or anybody else year from now. 10 years from now. Yes, 30 years from now and I just think it's so critical to the relationship without you know, giving credence to the behavior we get all that but I don't know why we struggles Christians saying that reality in our own relationship with father right lovingly detaching. I think we need to cover that and we touched on it must be more direct that advice for the empty Nestor in process how they can lovingly shoot well and that one is really has a lot to do with detaching from your child's problems is as parents we still scoop in and fix and now we've been fixing it for them for a long time and and we want to skip in and that you neither my friend Brenda Yoder says don't steal the struggle from your kids and I is hard to do all your absolutely right. Don't steal the struggle and and so lovingly detaching is when we we we have to let go of their problems and recognize it is their problems are not our problems and it came out of a really dark season for us. We have an adopted son that is had a lot of mental health issues and he's had several suicide attempts and I said at one point I felt like he hijacked our lives all the time like we would just get ready to leave town and he'd have a suicide attempt and so it was like you know what we do with this and a friend of mine who had been ahead of me on the mental health journey challenged me and she said Jill next time that happens, I would encourage you to go to the hospital to pray every son to tell him how much you love them to give him a kiss on the cheek and walk out the door. 15 minutes later and returned your life and she's like you have to do what it sounds harsh, but he has to grab hold of his problems. I can't fix them for him to need to know that he is loved and he supported and is encouraged but I can't fix those problems. And that's what lovingly detaching looks like you are lovingly detaching from their problems. They are not your problem and I think at the end here think this would be the right question the land for that emptiness. Couple okay now you look up and you hopefully asked the Lord. What's the new mission field was done the best job I can do with the kids. You've given me, but they're gone now. Want me to do, Lord, hold onto parts that hold on power and I absolutely love that because it really casts a vision for what is yet to come.

And it comes from Isaiah 4319 it says this be alert be present.

I'm about to do something brand-new. It's bursting out. Don't you see it. That's the excitement of the full life that the possibility of something new that's right around the corner and God does have a new mission field for you and I don't know what that is but I know it's there, Jill. I remember reading an article in the Wall Street Journal was were talked with the growing of divorce and the fastest growth of divorce being empty-nesters. Typically this is because mom's turn and say wow my whole identity is now over, it was raising the kids get the kids launched it even if they're doing the superhuman job of holding down a job and raising the kids issue is different and he looks at her husband's is a really don't know you and actually those filing for divorce in the Internet situation are more women than men really does point to that although both are filing speak to that lostness.

If I could call it the fact that you've done the job and now you're just what we about right.

Well, I think a lot of times we've stayed together for the sake of the kids right now and now okay with the kids or are gone and I don't want to do this anymore and were missing the opportunity.

You know, Mike and I call ourselves in this emptiness season of life and we had a marriage crisis that we had to get to the other side of what we call ourselves Mark and Jill 2.0 K Archangel one point now was when we were raising our family it was before our crisis, but Mark and Jill two point now is in this new season of life. It's it were where identifying the possibilities of the empty nest together and so I think that oftentimes people have been waiting for the kids to leave so long that they've forgotten that maybe it actually could be different. It might take some work to make it different because without a doubt, you probably have gotten into some rights you've gotten into some bad habits you stop communicating about you know your you're not communicating about feelings and dreams anymore and it's time to do that and I think you you know is talking with one of my sons the other night and I was saying, you know, I thought differently in my 20s, you're in your 20s now and I can tell you is a man in his 50s.

You know you're going to gain wisdom. What I'm pointing to their for all of us is once we become empty-nesters and were asking God what snacks it should be the culmination of all those experiences that we had in life going through the ups and downs of marriage and learning unconditional love and learning how to get through crisis and we should be in the best position as believers in Christ equipped to the hilt in our 50s 60s and 70s to be the most effective for the community yes. So I would encourage those that are living in theto look for opportunities to bring God's peace into cultures chaos Right around them. Yes, agreed to even think through you know I I asked him good evaluating questions in the book like okay what did you experience raising children well if you let's just say you experienced a child that struggled with depression. Therefore, you understand what it is to help a child that is struggling with emotional issues and parents of the trust that you can leverage that in a mentoring relationship you can leverage that by encouraging others, so there so much that you've gone through it can be leveraged to vision the men of the city sitting at the gate is really old man gone through life. They said at the gate of the city and dispense that wisdom to the present because I love that picture Jill. This has been terrific and thank you once again for sharing your heart emptiness woes and victories with this and again as a father who is in the middle of it. I'm so grateful for those insights and ways to redirect my energy and help talk about it with Jean so we have a game plan. John YouTube with the right it's a good time alive. It is just use the time to love your kids continue to love your kids thank you so much for being thanks for having me and is the dad of mostly empty nest. I'm so thankful for Jill's insight today on Focus on the Family. It really is some rocksolid advice and so necessary for that milestone transition and I trust you been encouraged. Especially if you're facing warrior in the middle of your children launching from your home.

This reminder Jill's book is called empty nest full life and it is rich with great stories like the ones you've heard today. She also packs plenty of heartfelt support and some practical tips to make the transition a little bit easier. Would love to send you a copy of the book as a way of saying thank you for your generous financial support of any amount to Focus on the Family today donates empty nest full life.

When he called 800 K in the word family or stop by the episode notes for all to join us again tomorrow will hear from Lisa Turk versus she reflects on loan when you start feeling like everybody else is more than you are less than you start home away from heartfelt connections with other people that create loneliness Jim Daly the entire team.

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