Understanding Your Teen's Digital World

Everything about Maria is that you can actually work that read and learn. Reaching teen girls right where they're at. We think well in their faith story in the Brea magazine about people left onto thing way worth.

I have really inspiring and uplifting help your team invite God into her everyday experience with Brio magazine. Learn more@focusonthefamily.com/Brio radio if we can get kids to start talking about who God is and their identity in Christ to have those conversations regularly come to these winter tick-tock going. I don't have enough followers have that foundation of the word of God that their identity is built on Jonathan McKee is joining us today on Focus on the Family and hostess focus president Dr. Jim Daly, thanks for joining us on John Fuller technology is all around us. There's no way to hide from it.

I lost my phone couple days ago but it feels not having the technology right. There were calls my missing what emails little bit, but our children have grown up in this environment there called digital natives that's their name for the generation that was born into the technology world.

And I think it probably is one of the main concerns that parents contact Focus on the Family for advice and help, and working to cover this topic today.

Yeah, and there's good reason to parents contact us.

There's so much in these devices and on screens we think invited Jonathan McKee as I said to join us. He's back again. He's a social researcher, a popular speaker and author and you can hear minor plug-in show the podcast and radio reviews. He's got a terrific new book it's called parenting generation screen guiding your kids to be wise in a digital world and we've got copies of that book here for you at Focus on the Family call 800 a family or check the episode notes for all the details. Jonathan welcome back to focus things from always a pleasure. It's always good to have your because you remind me of what I'm not doing correctly with my kids something got you do these parenting workshops you're interacting with parents on this very specific topic of digital age and what their kids are into what is that most common question that you hear from parents who have that worried face. How man you know there are so many of those questions you get is a is a mom comes up with that frantic look on her face at a workshop and I think probably the biggest one is no how much screen time is too much yeah but the questions. Sometimes it how do I get my son to stop playing video games all day or what do you say that you raised it yet not well and not some of those things where I think we really start to talk.

I think most my conversations probably start with connection before correction and working to get to that. I want to say that at the end because it's just a great concept but always tease that out. You know, one of the common questions we receive your I'm sure you do as well need you touched on it, is what is the best stage or what's the right age. What's the average age however a parent is couching that that I should get on the phone what your answer to that question. It's tough because even if we say here's what the experts say if I talk about that. It the pressure is still on because really it feels like every single one of their friends at school already has a phone to so many parents are caving and given her kids onto your fifth-grader your sixth-grader feels like they're the only kid out there without that phone when that pressure is mounting more and more.

You know my boys are now moving through teenager returns 20 and Troy is 18 but the truth of the matter is that when we tried to delay it just as long as possible somebody gave me that great advice and said you know just delay as long as you can and so you when they came to me and said hey dad when I get my phone. It's you know mom and I'll talk about that, and six months later they get what did you get stuck you and I haven't talked about yet, but let me in six months, but they were terribly nagging about it but it was 17 and 15 for Trenton Troy in the course Troy being the 15-year-old benefited from transplant and yet it was late and I'm grateful for it when you're not alone. I mean a lot of the experts out there who are studying this stuff all the time.

It's amazing their kids there delaying that age as long as possible. People in the business. Absolutely you look at like Jim's therapy and present common sense media healing tills kids were in high school, Bill Gates, this guy who knows a little bit about technology which those kids weren't high school.

A lot of the people who know their job is technology may see the effects of technology go to Silicon Valley instruction that you parents are leaving as they leave the house during the day is to the nannies. Hey, to the park to come outside play the kids know screens if there's realize the effect of screen so it's good to not just hand your eight-year-old the screen and say good luck.

You've framed this in your book parenting generation screen so you tag them as the screen generation in that context.

You have a story in there about Christine's mom. What was her story you know it's interesting when you think about this because as I I was thinking if I tell that story. There's probably several dozen mom's who will listen.

Be like oh that's my story because that's how common this story is Christine's home. I remember her. She came up and she waited somebody else's kind of gone with the table because I think I don't if she was embarrassed or just scared and she kept she started tell me the story of her daughter, who she'd given a phone when she was 12 years old and this is a pretty young conservative family. They were homeschooled kids but the pressure was on Chernoff I mean Christie was in sports. She was a church. All her friends headphones so mom delayed as long as possible.

Finally 12 years old gave her a phone and her instructions were okay. No social media or any that bad stuff because like a lot of parents. I really know what that bad stuff is I just know it's out there so please know that bad stuff and those were the instructions she left and a year later she got a phone call from one of her friends, and Christine's had been over at her friends house and and and basically everything came apart and it was through the parents calling that she found out Christine had met a guy on social media because she's 13 yeah despite the instructions of no social media really that bad stuff. Immediately she jumped on the social media account, she met a guy who is claiming he was a teenager you know and this guy said all the right things and you know affirmed Christine you know and and everything in and Christine, you know, start talking. This guy had no idea that really she was talking to a guy that was 40 something years old and as this happened in the story unveiled. The guy asked for a sexy pic. She obliged scented as so many young girls do because there can under the oppression. If you like he gets me he understands me. This is what he wants. This is what will keep them and she was about ready go meet the guy. And that's when she told her friend to friend told mom. Mom told Christine's mom this is out of effect, he said in that text to her. You know my uncles going to come and pick you up and that's the scary think of that, but it was him what happens and you know what every school I do not simply at has a Christine story is not like someone imagine it's out there it's like see that girl over there, so this is what happened to her because this is so common. This is gender. Let's dissect this because that is so common. What is the right parental approach particular from a Christian perspective. You know what say that it was 12 or 13, and there's not dozens there's thousands listening that may be the Christine mom story and what is the right way for those moms and dads who haven't experienced this yet to handle this. What I think a lot of parents because we don't know what to do. Our tendency is to just hand him this device and say what you know more about this device to me anyway :-) so true smart with it.

Good luck and that's kind like the speech like.

Please don't do anything stupid, but we don't train them because we don't know what to train him and is so funny because when you look at like driving a car without a car for a hand in something that demand such responsibility. Yellow will have to wait till a certain age and then when it comes to that age where they have to do they have to research about death to take test about that to sit next to us for six months and actually practice using that vehicle with us saying be careful as you merge there. Be careful as you do this you know friends of the current given instructions but yet with a phone it's just as if they go kind of a car certain with him the keys when there 10 know we don't need to just throw our kids the keys and we need to start realizing that there's a lot of responsible that comes with owning a phone and we need to start sitting next to them for six months and dialoguing about this well and this brings us back to what you mentioned a moment ago connection before correction. So speak to that. I like the concept. How do we do that well you know it's one of the things I don't think parents like to hear, but we need to hear it because what we really want is we want to find out exactly what you know blocks are out there. What filters are out there. Just give me the stuff you know how many hours should my could be on the phones. I could set the phone on that and magically it'll all be okay. But sadly it takes something much more than that. It takes us teaching them how to become screen wise. It takes conversations like so much of parenting does in connection before correction the same. Guess what, if you just apply a bunch of rules without a relationship for sure they're gonna rebel you cannot just slap down a bunch of rules, we gotta sit down and talk with them about that so connection before correction is really a principal where if our kids do mess up or if their company was everything on please come straight please give a screen instead of just saying okay here it is. And here's the rules, fill out this phone contract.

It's actually sitting down and connecting with them and dialoguing about some of these important things talking about stories about the Christine at their school because there is one you know and saying hey how could she avoided the situation worse and predatory behaviors. We need to look out for you what you think about screen minutes. Let me let me pitch. This is well one of the difficulties is to have that kind of relationship to have that connection is your call that you've got to refrain from I think penalizing their honesty you want to foster your child being able to be honest with you, and then discussing ways to build a hedge of protection for that child and get them to participate in that. And the reason why and soak again. I think one of things for parents and I'm only saying this because Gina and I experienced it is that you need to engage your children and you've got to probably say more than you would want to say about that subject of predatory activity, and you got a got to be honest with your kids and what those tools can do because the tools themselves are not evil. It's what people do with those tools. I call it creating a climate of comfortable conversation. It's becoming a safe source that they know that if I come the mom if I come the dad I can bring up what I just saw on my screen without them freaking out and these are some of the issues that you know we talk about in this book, you know, a lot of people worked at thinking it's gonna be just a bunch of rules you have really this book is so much about how do you talk with your kids about this. How do you begin those conversations, how you not freak out with some actual tips you can use because I know that's where I blew it so big as a dad very often they think you know, I know dad is going to get mad with this. How do we become that safe source that they can come and talk to Jonathan, I want to go to the idea that okay now your kids have screen capability that decisions made whatever age it is meant to be too frantic about that as I said, and I think you would agree delayed as long as you can in high school is a good time especially for phones but they've also got iPads and screen accessibility at home. Where do you go once they have that screen time.

There's many dangers for them to navigate. In fact, you talk about your son's friend, Cody, what happened in Bodie circumstance lots on the situation to happen so often as we try to control screens and we think may believe in you know are one of the minority of parents who actually say no screens in the bedroom because with in a country were 79% of teenagers bring what was going that a better way not to do it yet. Sorry there in the complaint, just a lot of that boundary. And honestly, if you want to walk away with just one thing from the show today because parents Humberto I'm overwhelmed loss. If there's one thing I tell you how you could just solve a world of hurt if you are overwhelmed and you don't have a bunch of rules have one rule no screens in the bedroom that included yet know screen and I safely charge everything in the kitchen. Charge it somewhere else. And because that is just I'd say probably almost every question I get after workshop has the words through the night my kid is gaining through the night my girl met a boyfriend in the middle of the night.

You know I can't get them to stop there on social media and their constant look at how many followers they have through the night. It's keeping him awake and is leaving the depression through the I mean and that one simple thing will that was what happened but establish that said no screens in the bedroom, took away the phone but guess what, he has a laptop you don't really think about until he saw a glow under the door you like morning you and this happens all the time is right in his book when things I do is I was sent out too much parents to read and I say give me feedback you know you cannot select 5200 parents in an icy can't tell me what happened in your house, what didn't, and I all these months to me why here's what happened with my daughter and I remember a mom reacting to that story and saying all exact same thing out with me with my daughter. I said no screens and she ends up pulling up this old thing we forgot you had like an old iTouch or something. Space Geico phone without cell service you know is why fine house boom immediately jumped on you and other parents will say oh we shut down the Wi-Fi. You wouldn't believe how kids are good at jumping on hotspot Wi-Fi is only different ways.

It is as well as things where you know where again that shows we need to dialogue with our kids about this and talk with them about this talk with about no screens in the bedroom and why listen to their opinion on it here them out on that we need to create conversation about these issues because you want honesty there to be no 17 and 27 day regimen and there can be out on their own negative in a college dorm and army barracks thing to be making these decisions and Yorkville to discreetly have they made the rents for themselves and that's the right parenting goal is you need to equip your kids to make these good decisions and there's no guarantee there's no formula but if you do that it's more likely your kids will make those better decisions and when they're 18, 19, 20, and I can attest to that.

Let's go to have screen time can affect sleep impact people so we've gotten to the decision point, you can phone your screen will have you know how much time that can be a little out of control in a little more difficult to control. For the reasons you're saying, but what with all the studies that you read what should parents be alerted to when it comes to the amount of time. The thing I think I just really want to really emphasize is that most the research out there. What researchers are agreeing on is not the amount of total screen time what most researchers are green on is that not all screen time is created equal. There's a lot of positive screen time. You know I mean and and we learned you know when the country was shut down that screens were kids only access to education. It was early access to socialization so that mean of course more difficult is now way are screens a good thing are there but you know it's it's hard to say good or bad lite something or certain activities. We should really watch and the biggest one is the amount of social media that young people are gleaning each day and we talked about this and and and other broadcast but the research that I think is the most clear-cut is the research that Dr. Jean twinge and Dr. Jonathan hate them together in a basically grabbed all the researchers and said okay we disagree on so much about screen time. What do we agree on. And they did an open source document where they said everybody contribute your research and any observed and said what we agree on the agreement, two things one there is a mental health crisis going on right now.

Literally. Pretty cool that there was a mental health crisis that had to do is screens. The second thing they agreed on is it enough to do it. How much videogame time enough to do a total screen time it had to do with how much social media.

Young people were soaking each day, especially young girls so that's huge. That's for us to be thinking about hey how much time, specifically our kids putting themselves out there and posting stuff, hoping to get likes hoping to get followers. 8/10 young people right now want to be some sort of social media influencer don't have their own YouTube channel.

Maybe an innocent way, maybe they won't have their own channel. You know, doing a Bible study it that you it could be completely innocent, but when they're putting themselves out there and they need likes. They need followers that starts to do something to your psyche and I could not help.

I don't have as many followers as them and it's affecting them and that's what researchers are saying watch that kind of screen time limit.

Jonathan you're raising such a good point here and let me connect the dots for the Christian community listening when we look at teen girls and teen boys to but differently they're both trying to figure out what's my identity and I think social media is where that understanding of your identity can get so twisted it's how many people like me in that idea that somebody likes you because they pressed a button is not what human relationship is built on. That's not like you know me is just hey I like what you posted. I like you and then we we need to address that. Where do children.

How do they develop a good identity in Christ as their core, not social media not know Snapchat that's not their identity. I think one of the biggest mistakes I made.

As a dad was. I put so much focus on what things to block so much focus on which things are saying no to that. I didn't spend enough time affirming the behaviors that good stuff. He knows I'm okay, here's a stuff to not do you know I was so focused on blocking out the lies that I didn't spend enough time talking about the truth and this is where we need to. As we create these conversations, our kids, we need to talk about the truth. Some of the biggest questions in life are is who is God, in whom I almost every issue kid is dealing with falls in between those two questions and if we can get kids to you know if we can start talking about who God is and their identity in Christ and have those conversations them regularly to be able to come to these winter tick-tock going. I don't have enough followers have that foundation of the word of God that their identity is built on Jonathan, let's move to the parental control discussion because that's on the G9 did that. Sometimes I was having to come Jean down. That's one of the problems with parental controls, they do provide a service, but they also provide no some fear depend upon what the kids are looking at, etc. you have a story in the book about Don and Brian what had I went on line with parental control yet that there the two extremes and I and I change their names to protect them about John and although they listen to me like he's talking about me to do as I knew it was as funny because there were the polar opposites. You know the one was a dad who just pretty much allowed it all. I mean, just, you know his kids could watch anything listen anything, do anything that phones before anybody else and you know that if your kid saw something bad. It was at their house you not allowed to watch everything that every cable gently. We all know someone like that will then there was the opposite extreme, so there's no rules over there at all.

But the opposite extreme was his other friend I had, who literally monitored his kids so much it like he had like these apps that followed them to he he would literally know what I'll they are in at Walmart and what foods they were shopping for you know he get every item of it was interesting to see those two extremes and I feel like a lot of parents kinda feel like I've either gotta let my kids let let him go and do their own thing.

A lot of parents do just hey good luck in a hand on the device and others feel like now I've got a you know I do have all the software I'm going to do all this different stuff and really I don't think there needs to be a pressure to be either extremes. In effect, I don't think either extreme is super healthy. I think you know it's kind of a balancing where we as parents we really need to be doing in the biblical model of Deuteronomy 6 which is walking with her kids and as they get up as they walk along the road and as a go to bed at night, having conversations of our kids come and ask us about an app may we go.

I don't always check out together and we look at it and were not becoming know mom and pop spyware you know we are becoming you know where we have to get all this. I do believe in parental controls. I'm kind of a bad guy when I say guess what moms and dads.

I think you should wait to give your kids screens as long as possible.

I think you should not have screens in the bedroom. I think it can be helpful to limit their social media by going onto their device, and whether going on to tick-tock itself or YouTube itself or on the device and having downtime limiting the amount of social media. I think there's controls like that we can have, but those are only after we've had countless conversations we've taken through books were no just like as if we're teaching a dry want to restate this again. The goal in your parenting journey is to help your kids make good decisions and whatever tool you need to help train them in that way it doesn't guarantee they're not can it wander into some stuff that they shouldn't. They probably will. But then, how do you get them back on track. If you keep that is the high goal. I think you'll have a far better relationship with the child, and I think the learn the wisdom that you talk about Jonathan were coming in for landing. You speak about seven tips for correcting without destroying that connection will list those at the website jump. Just pick a couple to give people an idea of what you're looking at why this is where I really speak from the heart because as I look back at times were I feel like I just overreacted and we as parents we need to change that overreaction into interaction. We really need to watch you know that freaking out because they're looking for someone safe and sadly when it comes to them seeking out predators. A lot of young people seek out predators because they don't feel love at home they feel like there's nobody they could talk its affirmation.

Yeah, they're going and are seeking something else to talk to so one things I really talk about is is trying to create though.climate of comfortable conversations, but if there's one piece of advice I can give the parents is don't ever ever correct in the moment. I don't care how good of a parent you are and how much time you spend in your Bible and but just always use that delay because it's so awesome what that could look like is if you find out your kid, you know, jumped on that website you told him not to her. They snuck that device in the bedroom. I actually go as far as to say rehearse a speech toward doesn't sound rehearsed where you literally say hey let me have that device and you look at them and you say hey you know what Jennifer I love you I love you so much and I messed up so many times as a kid I I don't want to overreact right now and I don't want to say anything stupid. Trust me, I've done this to I messed up so I just want to walk away for a little bit. I want to go pray and undertake the screen away. Let's talk tomorrow.

Just know that I love you and there is nothing you can do that, take that level. I know it's good and you've packed it in their parenting generation screen do's and don'ts really for parroting the screen generation. This is been really insightful. Thank you for the vulnerability you've opened up about your life and about your own weaknesses in that area. We all have them.

Thank you for sharing that with us. That really takes courage and we have many great resources like Jonathan's book parenting generation screen guiding your kids to be wise in a digital world, and I think we've given you flavor a taste of what it's like to apply biblical approaches and attitudes in your parenting.

This isn't about simple correction.

This is about equipping your child to make better decisions in their digital choices and I you know again I just appreciate the way Jonathan has approached this with his humility, etc. let me say this is one of those resources that we want to get into your hands and if you can make a gift of any amount today will send it as our way of saying thank you for that support in helping other families do the same thing if you can't afford it were to trust others will support focus. Maybe instead of a latte today. Send five dollars to focus and that'll help minister to a family who can afford the book. I hope you can do that and be a part of the team to minister not only to your family but to so many other families you get in touch let us know how we can help. Donate. As you can and request Jonathan's book parenting generation screen are numbers 800 K in the word for 800-232-6459 or you can click the link in the episode, Jonathan. Again, thanks for being with us. Thanks for your contribution to plug then you do voice those radio spots and do a lot with the team and plugged in.

Thank you for the company. Should I always enjoyed the dialogue think you again. We've got lots of resources including plug-in 40. Just click the link in the episode notes or give us a call and on behalf of Jim Daly, and the entire team.

Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back. As we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ. Hey this is John Fuller and Focus on the Family is looking for talented writers and editors to help reduce our audio programs and podcasts go to focusonthefamily.com/jobs to learn more about these and other job opportunities secured focus