Changing Your Relationships Through the Power of Kindness

Hi this is Jim Daly with Focus on the Family.

I want to let you know about an online experience called sea life, 20, 21 in the six episode video series were sharing stories and encouragement that will inspire and empower you to live out your pro-life views. You'll also discover valuable resources to help you step up and get involved in the cause. This is a digital experience, you and your family won't want to miss all the details are Focus on the Family.com/sea life and I want to begin the broadcast today with Romans 24. Don't you know it's God's kindness that leads one to repentance. John you've heard me share that from time to time. Her focus on more than one occasion. Yes I so appreciate that you refer to that important passage so much.

Well, it's because I think it's so powerful. I think it's a tool we have in our arsenal as Christians, that the enemy of our soul can't compete with. He cannot compete with God's love and kindness. The problem is we don't use that tool often enough in the flesh. We don't want to respond with kindness or love. We want to conquer. We want to win the debate. Whatever we may feel entitled to being upset and so we sometimes overlook the importance of kindness. Today we want to talk about the power of kindness and how it changes relationships in this is very important for any relationship, particularly in marriage. By the way, this is Focus on the Family with Jim Daly on John Fuller and our guest today is Chante Feld on she's been on this broadcast many times and is a very popular speaker of best-selling author a social researcher in a much of what Chante does is intended to help you have better relationships. Chante is also written a book called the kindness challenge 30 days to improve any relationship we've got that to stop by the episode notes for the details. We recorded this conversation with Chante a while back. Let's go ahead and hear the conversation. Now Chante welcome back to focus. It is always great here baby 12 1314 lifestyle which is a permanent hotel room right of the mountains. Let me ask you this. Let's start with the bigger question what is kindness. It's a great question because when I started to look at that in all my books are based on these research studies right seen for years that kindness had this power to transform relationships, but it seems to now.

I mean, like being cited just seems vague and like your kids or do you not even sure so it was interesting as I started playing in a way that kindness is actually three separate things together really is what makes up kindness withholding being negative, eliminating negativity, it's finding things to praise, and being positive and affirming and it's doing something it's doing an act of generosity or kindness for someone and if you do those three things. It is transformative, and so we instead that's actually in this research project was sedating for 30 days. We recruited more than 700 people that tested this, called the 30 day kindness challenge. We did all the before-and-after surveys and found that if you pick somebody you want to have a better relationship with any could be 70 already have an okay like your spouse you wanted to batter or it could be like your kid's or the colleague that drives you nuts. You know it's so simple super simple 9% of relationships improved is this super powerful technique relate that you can use and it's really the kind of kindness that Jesus asked us to have this though, because if it's that profound and that amazing why do we tend not to use that tool.

Like I said in the opening. We tend to veer back into her own desire for bitterness or being upset or being mad at our spouse or whoever that person might be why do we lean that direction rather than to a healthier solution will I think first about you guys hit the nail on the head.

Sometimes you think it's just feels better in the moment when someone cuts you off in traffic, I am not gonna let it really feels good. Later right you know when something is pushing your buttons and you respond in that same way, it rarely feels good. Later I might feel satisfying in the moment seeking out and honestly I think that in most cases most of us want to be kind to others. The problem, at least what I found in the research. The problem is most of us have no idea all day long how often we are unkind and we never realize that I would think that is true, particularly in the Christian community because were not always good with looking in the mirror we think were being kind. How does a person become more acquainted with how their projecting either kindness or unkindness. Okay, so here's how we come back to this 30 day kindness challenge, which by the way I want to thank focus for being a partner in as you guys been one of the main people that is helped launch this and really it is the way you have to do some sort of a purposeful effort in our case it's the 30 day kindness challenge and if you do a purposeful effort which in our case was those three things every day. Suddenly what happens is you start to see how often and for example your negative idea and I now give you an example of that. So, I would've sworn when you talk about eliminating negativity by swearing that would be a problem for me, like you know the number two and three things on the kindness times. Okay, I need to work on being more affirming maybe not as affirming as I need to be anymore, I need to work on doing more acts of generosity, but you know that anti-negativity thing down glass half-full kind of person that all my word once I started cataloging all the types of negativity.

I realized negative every single day because one of the types of negativity is exasperation exasperated with my kids all the time I get exasperated staff all the time and I don't realize that when you get exasperated. One of the things you're saying is you're an idiot. When I get exasperated. That's what I'm saying and you would never know until you sat down actually picked a person that you are going to be intentionally trying to and suddenly all this stuff comes up and you see what you need to work on it. I've got two or three ways I want to go with this question. So let me just to knock these officer when you look at the fruit of the spirit, you know, love, joy, peace, goodness, kindness, mercy and kindness is in there, but it seems to be an understated value in the Christian community today and I don't know if it's modernity. We talk a lot about the cable moves got a lot of coming in that set you up against other people that don't think like you think, etc. it's very enticing because I think it appeals to our flesh, but as a Christian, we've got to be rooted in his fruit and it's right there for some so grateful, he wrote down for us so that we could see clearly what he was hoping for but how do we jettison that feeling like you know kindness is a pretty soft quality yeah it's hard to feel kindness is really an important attribute, and it's put it that way because I think that that's a misunderstanding that we have that say you can't be kind to be competitive.

Yes you can but it's how your competitors and you can't be kind and be strong.

Yes you can but it's how you do it and so for example I would see back in the days to write a newspaper column, and with this new super Colin. It was a debate on the issues of the day and it was me as a more conservative evangelical believer in Jesus and I would debate the issues with an atheist nest of yellow and all sort of side of things and we would go and I found myself in this debate getting harsher and harsher and harsher. And because it was almost like that was what the culture expected and we have to say no have to say, look what Jesus did. He was in the middle of a very difficult culture and a very difficult time and yet he never was unkind, he got angry and was never unkind and it reminds me of something that when I started that column is sort of a long story but when I had a sense that God was going to be leading me in to that writing that Colin and I had a sense that it was good to go further than just one little newspaper that it was going to be nationally syndicated. Someday which it eventually wise and we are in 100 newspapers excuse newspapers around the country. Back when there were still newspapers, but it's interesting. I was praying about it and I felt this strong sense that God was saying, I am going to give you a chance to speak my truth to a culture that desperately needs it, but if you cannot speak my truth in my love don't do it well and I think that something that we often miss as Christians is that gas his truth is crucial. But if we can't speak it in his love and his kindness. It's far better in most cases to stay silent because we can often do more damage to his way right and not bring glory to him right.

Let me bring it closer to home. We touched on this issue of within the spousal relationship.

This can be really difficult at times because you know that person so well your with each other almost every day of travel, and we may be away from home occasionally, but you know each other well more than anybody else in the world right in terms of your spouse easy to take. And that's the words right out of my mouth because that's where it goes. You tend to treat them differently than you treat neighbors and friends and maybe even extended family members and I'm sure many couples know that conversation. It's how could you treat them better than you treat me and I don't people listen.

Yes, I had a conversation my husband yesterday.

Why is it that we take for granted those who were closest to us and we overextend kindness to people who, in the end don't really have a lot to do with us in the long run. It's hard to answer, but honestly it's because we care about what other people think about us more than we care about what our spouse thinks of us. We want other people to view us well. Our spouse is already married. He has to stick with it yet hours. Stick with it and we don't realize that honestly everything that God is given us a something to be grateful for and so often our lack of kindness is because we feel entitled to just be honest we feel entitled to every other person is getting over guidance is awful and it's one of its suite is one of the reasons that it makes a difference when you say I purposely do this and actually take no time and try to seek out how to be kind to this person because suddenly you start seeing your own stuff instead of always seeing the other person's shirt off, which is always so easy. It is so easy okay John you are a nice person. Your time person the same, push to the point, though I think I see it, sometimes anew when you're getting throttled a little bit on do you lose it you know, I will randomly level out. I have moments where I erupt.

There was kind of the standard you blow up and then you get over it right German Irish approach. You spell it all out there. I tried to work on that and I think God is done a remarkable thing in my heart but not like and I can give something some thought and then kind of rise with indignation and be upset about it and then shoot back or sometimes I think what you're talking about is I don't think about ledges shoot back very kind and I just know, sometimes even with were talking something will is because were so close to the heart of God to just take a moment and remind your listeners that Shanti's book is the kindest challenge and it'll help you in this area of kindness with a spouse or family members and friends and get that book from us and will link over to more details about the kindest challenge@focusonthefamily.com/broadcast note, John.

You mentioned something about when those times you want to explode and it's so common that people will ask me, but is better sometimes that you let the steam out the cattle so that the cattle doesn't explode, you know. And it's because actually I would've thought that and it turns out that that is completely inaccurate. Neurologically, it turned we all have bought into this idea that it is better to let a little steam out in the cattle and actually what brain scientists are found in recent years is all that that does when event about someone you know I maybe speak nicely to you when Jim pushes your buttons, you might sit nicely them, but then you go home you got your wife you like. I can't believe what he did today right or your manager husband you're mad at your wife and you can be sweet and then you go to the office and you talk about them. It turns out that the brain scientists have found all that does is it further activates the brain's anchor system and it actually what it does.

It's more like turning up the heat under the cattle turns when you're venting further and further and further makes it worse and worse and worse and instead that's one of the reasons why we started studying what it means to be kind, and the fact that one piece of that puzzle is to not be negative and not even speak negatively about someone to someone else. If it turns out that that is like reducing the heat or like taking the pot off the stove all altogether because what happens is as you stop going to your wife and complaining about Jim are complaining about your spouse as you do. What happens is you start noticing the positive about that person more when you are unable to say something negative about somebody and you have to find something positive to say you start seeing those things more. There it was like there just knew they were always there. You just didn't notice. Let me ask you this with the gender site.

I know there's always exceptions the 8020 rule.

And I know somebody will say I'm not that way Gemini I get that but there typically are generalities and you find that in this area with mail and femaleness that males have a certain way of dealing with kindness and women have a different way of dealing with kindness or expressing kindness.

Yeah, let me give an example. I think Jean is terrific. She is really good about capturing the desire to always want to express kindness and course I can come along and I'll make a comment here or make a comment there that know all kinds of roads that desire, and so I actually were all talking with Jerry and turned her desire to be kind. How does that interplay I guess is the question asking hat. How do we mess it up in our marriages when you have goodhearted people trying to do the right thing but we tend to turn each other down.

Yeah well it's part of that thing. If we have no idea every day how often were unkind and we would never intend to know and I'll give you an example of one of the different ways that we found that men and women handle this differently because you know that case, that's where my heart tends to go back to is all that gender stuff for my research, but I actually found, for example, if you are trying to express affirmation to somebody tends to be that you tend to give the type of affirmation you would want to receive. And so for Whitman it's all about.

Oh honey, I love you, you know, and doing me Selena, loving, sweet, kind things for the husband to show love and it doesn't come naturally to our lips to say thank you so much. I really appreciate what you did. Thank you for unloading the dishwasher you know when I was I really appreciate that you did that went 50 years exactly doesn't come naturally to say thank you. Well, it turns out that Fred died.

That's the kind of affirmation in praise that he most needs. That is the kindest thing that you can do for your husband is notice that he took the stuff out of the dishwasher, for God is saying thank you and these words of appreciation day come naturally to a guy. I'm sorry guys, thank you so much for unloading the dishwasher is not the type of love and kindness that is going to most take your time. You sound like you gave her blender for her anniversary does make a difference. We it was again. It was fascinating.

Started to learn about the types of things that allowed us to give praise are not allowed us to give praise. One of the big obstacles you you're getting the type you would want to receive. But it's gonna be different for your husband and for your life. What in the research they saw and maybe even in some of the examples with those you talk to and they took the 30 day challenge you what result came on the backend of the did you see some people that were having real difficulty in their marriages see flowers see something new, something fresh, something spring in their relationship. It's a great way of putting it. Yeah it was.

This is one of the things that almost me cry was so excited when I saw some of the results come back because they were as a whole, study group of of people out of that 700 that they were about 25 people who are doing it because their spouse had had an affair and they were trying to recover from the worst possible betrayal and trying to recover from very very difficult season in their life and in their marriage and some people just had a very hard time and they were all people who the spouse is repentant generally know it wasn't that they were trying to push a boulder uphill. That wasn't you know willing to be pushed there were some people who had a very hard time forgiving and dropped out of the study. As you can imagine, because it does require forgiveness, but of the people who stuck with it. There were some drum changes because again it doesn't just when you do the 30 day kindness challenge. It doesn't just impact the other person and it doesn't just help the relationship. It changes you and you start to see ways that you have actually been adding to things even though obviously the choices they made were awful, but that you had actually been hurting the relationship you are trying to heal and seeing how negative you weren't seen. For example, the exasperation you now and source seeing that the things that you had no clue that you know maybe her sarcastic nature was getting in the way and he wasn't joking and so many of these things that that that the average person can learn, even in the face of very, very difficult situations. It's very transformative.

Well you've used them, and that's perhaps Ground Zero. The example were fair when you were saying that I literally sensed people going will she has every right to be upset and not the kind and again here we are in the body of Christ, for the most part, I know we have some listeners who are not in a relationship with Jesus. We would hope that you would get there soon. But that that's really for us as Christians it's one of the core tenets of our faith. How do we show that kind of kindness in the most nitty-gritty difficulties in our relationship well and I'll tell yeah and it's not just the betrayal of the spouse which is opposite the biggest personal betrayal announces. For that reason, you have a way out, but other things to probably every person listening to this can identify with those occasions where we are being Miss treated where where a boss is being cruel right it's not just not being nice to actively mistreating his active injustice.

My you know your your mother-in-law, your stepparent, or whoever it is there. This is difficult relationship legitimately for a reason.

And yet what to me. One of the touchstones was when I started looking at this and realizing what were called to and I looked more closely at the sermon on the Mount, and I look more closely at what all of us have sort of known as the Golden rule.

Do onto others as you have them do unto you.

You look at that we all teach To our kids. We all want to live by that but here's the hard truth in context. What Jesus is saying he's talking about when you are Miss treated and so in context what he's saying is doing to others as you have them do unto you actually treat others who are not being kind to you in be kind and generous way you wish they were treating you the harder it even more challenging than just be nice to others what you want them to be nice to know that is just so perceptive and often when I speak to groups all mention Luke six and the golden rule. There's a couple paragraphs before that is stated that kind of put the parameters around a new right if someone takes something from you.

You go through a list of bad behavior toward you, but the nice guys that the neighborhood give your cup of sugar.

It's the one who's going to scorn you until you get off the lawn and I really don't like your kids point over here until next time to pick up their trash is blown on my side street is the guy you don't want to talk to.

That's was talking about becoming toward when he says if you nice to people who are nice to you yeah you he specifically challenging those of us who follow him specifically not really giving us an out to say in those bad mistreatment somebody is being mean. Some is being cruel. Your husband is being unkind. Your wife is treating with scorn. You should absolutely treat them in a kind and gentle and generous way you wish they were treating you see on our spot. Oh my gosh, it transforms the relationship it transforms you in Illinois.

I want to ask a question before we come back to that one does not mention people that couldn't bear showing kindness through the research and they use I think you said they got up and left they dropped out.

You ever circle back around with them or did you observe anything with them to give you some insight as to why they couldn't why they couldn't get there were a couple yeah what was that I was at expressly was expressed as and this is really where it comes down to us deciding if we're going to do what Jesus said, which is unconditional kindness or conditional kindness right because the reason that they dropped out was. I don't see this as making a difference from an immediate there's some immediate benefit and what benefits honestly as we are studying the 30 day kindness challenge. One of the things that really was striking. Is that what is often immediate benefit any literally in a few days. Sometimes if you're talking about some relationships that is about a personal betrayal you're talking about, like trying to reach the heart of a child that's been distant for years over his rebellious expect something like that to dramatically change the real day and it sounds like to me what you're expressing there is a quid pro quo, not really. Just saying Lord help my heart. Help my heart a little bit.

Let me see big change might surmise you whoever that's not a healthy way to do this well and honestly you can't mean it is one of those things we have to come in our own hearts, to the point that we can say Lord I want to be like you. I'm not very good at it terribly, but I want to try and so help me have the story that I don't have myself to speak gently to my husband what all I can do is picture these mean things he's done to me or to speak with kindness to my wife and listen to her when I feel like she is layering scorn on my on my head and because if you don't want that really is conditional, that is conditional love hearing from shot to fill time today on Focus on the Family, encouraging us to practice kindness in all of our relationships. In her book again is called the kindness challenge 30 days to improve any relationship and John taking the kindness challenge drives us back to the fruit of the spirit. This is the character of God than I love those kinds of challenges that are rooted in him, we want to encourage you to take the kindness challenge will provide a link online for you to do just that. It is a 30 day challenge and you can find the details in the episode notes and while you're at the website. Get a copy of Chante's book the kindness challenge. In fact, we make a generous donation today to help Focus on the Family out will send the book to you is our way of saying thank you for joining our partnership donate and get a copy of that book all the details are in the links in the episode will join us next time. As we hear from Deborah per day speaking about overcoming the heritage of unforgiveness and how that impacted her life without laughing here, but I just can't resign. Trying to strike. God help me. This on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team. Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back once more help you and your family thrive here asking people to define the word appreciate it's like when something goes up in value that's telling someone they did a good job Focus on the Family invite you to give a gift, appreciate when you give a non-cash gift of stocks, bonds or mutual funds.

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