Nurturing Joy in Your Child

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Sign up today. Just go to a I/O club.org/radio you can procure your children if you don't have any joy you know in your life so you have to find ways to build the joy relationally with your spouse with your kids with friends. The more joy that you create relationally in your life, more joy in your vehicle service that's Dr. Marcus Warner and he's with us today on Focus on the Family along with his co-author Chris Corsi hostess book as president and Dr. Jim Daly and I'm John Fuller, John.

I want my boys to have happiness in whatever career they pursue what have you. I want them to feel that happiness and what were called to write.

That's a normal parental plank, but happiness can be so fleeting. Circumstances change in a heartbeat, and others downturn there some negative situation and your world turns upside down. Your happiness is perhaps lost or certainly fleeting. I am more interested in joy. Joy seems much more rooted in the core spiritual side of the human that seems deeper and deeper right where you have joy.

Circumstances don't persuade you to feel differently.

Joy is joy and regardless of your circumstances are to be rooted there and I'm looking forward to today's conversation with our guests who bring a great book, the four habits of raising joy filled kids so hopefully every parent just leaned down, however, your listening on the radio or through YouTube or what have you having the ability to raise joy filled kids is like job one.

Especially when life throws curveballs always does say joy filled kids in Christ. I think it's a good distinction and I Dr. Marcus Warner is here. He's the president of deeper walk international and is married to Brenda and they have two adult children and I Chris Corsi is an ordained minister and pastoral counselor married to Jen they have two young boys, and that is you said Jim together, these men have written the book the four habits of raising joy filled kids and we have that book here at the ministry to stop by the episode notes or give us a call 800 the letter a in the word family. Marcus and Chris, welcome to Focus on the Family could have you back.

Thank you is good to be here that were delighted to be here okay. I gave it my best run there in the open. How do you differentiate happiness and joy in every class. Yes I said the person would probably dive into the from we found this.this is actually a book written, not from a Bible foundation but from a brain science foundation, so our you are Christians. And so what we treasure was that the God designed the brain also wrote the Bible and the compatible together, but we did Nestor try to build this from the Bible. If we built it from the brain up and then showed Heather compatible but the book doesn't even take that next step is. It's designed to be something you could hand with the Creator actually has his fingerprint the brain science. Yes, I yeah and so from the brain's perspective. Joy is not a choice. Joy is relational happiness.

So like when I see my friends show up here. I feel surge of happiness that I'm not having my my wife's prayer. Better be happy right it's not a choice I'm making is just something that happens in the brain because my relational circuits are turned on and the joy juices kinda collecting up there and I'm feeling really happy to see so let's explore that vulnerability, though, the way that I described happiness does seem to be fleeting at times you wake up in a happy mood. But again joy is seems more deeply rooted that regardless of my circumstances when I wake up to him and have a sense of joy today that there's a distinction there for me in my right. There is a big distinction and Ella Chris jump in on this too. But it's the for example, let's say that my wife and I are going through some hard thing maybe were having a tough time with one of our kids. We were having a tough time with finances. We can select joy with each other and the joy that we share relationally with each other will actually give us a greater capacity to handle all the hard stuff that were dealing with another place and so our joy isn't coming from the circumstances it's coming from our relationships.

So to spiritual level, the more joy I have in my walk with God. The more I can lean into that and it becomes a source that is always available to me no matter what's going on. Chris you fold your response into this, but I want to keep us moving. When you look at the idea that his parents we should try to teach our children to be joyful. I think some parents you know they may say will one you know I'm kind of a levelheaded guy. I could hear this come from that particular you know I don't show a lot of emotion. I don't know that it's really important. My kids can be wired this way or that way is joy a wiring issue like a personality type, or is it something we need to be intentional about his parents to teach your children joy. You know it's a little bit of both wheat we now know that there's a area in the brain that God designed, that grows every time you see someone's face light up to see you. You hear it in their voice you see it in their body, their mannerisms and it grows throughout the lifespan sells one of the few areas in the brain that can grow from the moment you're born to the moment God brings you home that part of the brain is growing that's kind of amazing actually think about it it is it is and that's where you can see that God made us for joy. And so for fathers who might not always be the high-energy joy when you're children see that that you do light up to see them that in a sense Dale neuroscientist say that joy is when you're the sparkle in someone else's eyes, so you know I like that because you know as God's children were the sparkle in his eyes and so Marcus and I really wanted to get this message out there that look weird designed for joy and with the little bit of practice a little joy can go along the match EE right Chris, specifically in the book about your wife Jen, who comes from what you called a low joy family & what what what is he talking about what is a low joy family and how are they equipped uniquely to provide joy to their family. You know when the joy level start to drop what happens as fear increases. So if you don't tend the garden weeds are going to grow and so one of the things that, as Jen learned this science and really started to read her Bible with the lens of joy she realized that in her family.

There wasn't a lot of glad to be together. Joy they'll love each other deeply, but there wasn't a lot of this high-energy glad to see you when you walk into the room or another thing that happened is Joe. His counterpart was rest.

They didn't really know how to rest and so we don't know how to quiet. It's hard to hold onto joy because you know fear will grow. Inevitably when joy starts to drop Marcus will return this when you have power joy and maturity tied together and I the interested. This wasn't specifically in the booklet like extroversion and introversion extroverts can show joy more easily maybe than an introvert. But how's all that connected maturity. Enjoy, extroversion, introversion those are great questions of the first one is that joy maturity actually directly related and they of what connects them is emotional capacity that is maturity can be defined as my emotional capacity is my capacity to handle hard things and still act like myself and remain relational so you look at who the most mature person is in any room and there the one who have who can handle weight and that weight doesn't overwhelm them. They can still live with joy in spite of all of the weight is so if I got all the way to running an organization I got all the stresses in my life of other things that I can still be relational with you. We can still share joy together that's maturity now in terms of act introvert, extrovert. The introvert feels just as deeply joy with people as extroverts. They just don't share it with as many people at once.

Are you slapping down the extroverts and extroverts tend to love sharing joy with as many people as possible. They leave that full up with energy and introverts tend to like to be with just one or two really good friends that they have a lot of joy with those people and they get more energy that way.

That's a good.

In fact, let's get into it because you talk about an acronym eight.

Parenting is easy as ABC and that you added D right so what's the ABCD of a joy filled family so ABCD you can think about goes from the right brain over the left brain in order in terms of how they operate a is attunement.

So the first thing is my job as a parent is to meet my child and their emotions not to ask my child meet me in my emotions. That's big that you right there and I was too many of us are expecting our kid to say can't you see how upset I am.

Can't you see you're making me angry. Instead of oh I see where you're at. I see what's going on in your heart right now let me ask you in that way, sorry to interrupt but you know when you're talking about a 3 to 5-year-old let's it was that look like an 10-year-old and a 15-year-old and a 20 something discover that really quick. Yeah.

So when children are younger, it's more of a nonverbal process so I can remember when one time my son what had fallen down and hurt his knee and so what basically what children do they look at mom or dad's face ago am I gonna be okay right so as parents we still say things the company, but it's actually the sound of our voices. The look on her face and they think okay I'm not alone for someone's with me and that right there basically gives our children the best ability to recover from whatever is going on the reality that I'm not alone.

Mommy, daddy see me. They hear me and they get comfort and they get attunement, the kind what I heard was, don't touch it don't cry if you touch it, you're not a man come from Marcus. Let's go back to tuning. That's the a of ABCD. I started compelling so the bee is building balance in the ideas now that I see where you're at. If I see that where you're up as an upset place and upset a motion not only do I meet you there.

But I want to help you bounce back so that means I need to stay relationally connected relationally engaged until this problem has gotten small enough for you to feel like you can handle it like you can you go back and play now. Are you okay are you able to so I'm helping them bounce back from that. That's the be resiliency would be resilient without me another word for it or just install the assembly of Rose guy yeah but this for moms to be so C is correct with care in the any bank correct with care is the I didn't do a and B first before you correct because a lot of us are problem forward parents that as we walk into the room we see a problem and we did explode with our emotions about the problem and we correct them about the problem then rolled everything. Maybe I should attune to them right and it's the last thing we do is that of the first thing that we do and then the D is developed disciplines relationally as opposed to saying go do this, go do that you know this, your job, you know, I actually spend time with them and it becomes a bonding experience between appreciate that were in a dive and the more of these good crystal come back to you on the tuning part. I'm not going like a hook there because we talked about the boo-boo but think of the older child or teenager.

How does that attuning work when your you as a parent you're emotionally distraught because they missed curfew or give some examples that you know this is attuning an older level. You're exactly right and often the challenge for us parents is to keep on our relational brain basically keep our relational brain working as Marcus said we tend to focus on problems and so with older children. This is where it's really helpful. We validate and we we comfort so validation just says hey I noticed your late you. What time are you supposed to be home and so I start by basically saying I see you. That must've been fun staying out later but there's a problem because you weren't here on time and then we talk about consequences, so validation just as I see you I see what you're feeling. Comfort is okay, what helps us to get back to joy here. So for older children, it's more of what Marcus and I call the coaching with kids just were validating were comforting ice. I see you what time is it, what would be a good consequence here is going to help us learn from this so it doesn't keep happening so consequences just help help older children really learned that to correct those things that you knew one thing that I've observed in my own parenting is the our kids.

At least there such a difference between a 17-year-old and a 20-year-old nurse or something in the brain development which you guys have studied that the maturation process is so rapid at that point, your thinking oh my goodness, my teenager and then all of a sudden they're doing the dishes are there saying please and thank you all the things you told for years. It's like they turn a corner.

Yeah it does take practice.

So we talk about the ABCD applies to all three levels. Infants, children and adults, but they looks radically different about how it's applied, and so after we explain the ABCD we we break it down chapter by chapter.

This is what looks like with this age group because it because if you try to do exactly the same thing with your Dell because if you did with your children won't work right with it attuning. Let's move to little more in depth discussion about that building balance to be of ABCD at resiliency sometimes circumstances will teach a child that you know you might have hardship in a child has to respond one where the other. What are some intentional ways of parent living in this modern world where most of our needs are taken care of. Really, how do we build bounce into a child when pretty much everything that needs their so at the infant stage. It's about joy workouts and recovery workouts and that we talk about that little bit, but it at the child level is more about helping your kid learn what is satisfying to them versus what is temporarily pleasurable in the process they learned how to work for and wait for what's really satisfying and if they don't know what satisfying that they don't know what's worth working for. They don't know what's worth waiting for. But, and also the more they discover that this is truly satisfying. They begin their identity gets more grounded and now is a make the transition to the adult stage. They're not still trying to find themselves they arty know what satisfying to them and now they're looking for other people who also find that satisfying and they becomes their group that becomes her people. It's a practical way that you can do that.

I again I'm thinking of personality type. My wife, she's a never open the wrapper early person served dinner birthday present shall delay throughout the day to wait to open that birthday present till late as possible.

I don't get that, unlike up in the morning is open so I you know some of that. I don't know if that's the character that you're born with or an imprint that you get how do you teach to be, you know, kind of long suffering for those great rewards. Yeah, I mean learning satisfaction would mean you know if if my children love candy so they might want to hold and the right and will be very excited about that, but they might learn that too much candy makes him feel sick and so part of satisfaction would be hey so what you what you learn from this we know. Was it fine eating the candy.

What about what happened when you ate all that candy so's parents were helping our children learn that satisfaction is not just temporary pleasures, but you know what if I stay up too late, that might be fun but have to get up early to go to school that is not fun. So I should go to bed earlier and helping children with some chores and different things this to help them value hard work. So what comes with satisfaction as I learn to do hard things, even things I don't feel like doing so chores. My sons do a lot of chores around our house and the other is this level of satisfaction when they can look at their handiwork go wow look at that room. You just clean and they see our faces light up. Wow, that was good or if they do some of their jobs. They might see some disappointment on her face and say what you did this really well but that's over here.

It's kind like Jesus talking to the early churches and in the book of Revelation. Here are some things you did right at the here some things over here that you're missing and so we want our children to learn satisfaction so they learn response.

Sure, let me ask about the wisdom of indulging a child to access, to prove the lesson.

I mean the candy was a good one. So is one of the tactics possibly that you let the child go let them get sick.

I need something to write, call you talking about, but some parents will say yeah. I mean, it does prove the they gotta be a little careful but it's risky. It is kids that you can give them instructions and that's all you need to do right and there's other kids who they have to feel the pain of rice going on before that happens, and what were trying to do is be not. I told you show someone shaming when that happens, but to meet them and that and walking back through what were trying to teach. Satisfaction will really after. Here is inspiring their creativity and finding the things that you know what it was way more satisfying to learn how to ski to learn how to do gardening to learn how to paint this then it was to just you know watch TV all day. I think moving to see now the correcting with care so critical. I think most parents probably learned that over time, some you start probably too aggressive in your parenting that way then you learn to chill out a little bit, dial it back but talk to that issue of correcting with care and how it relates to coaching and that being a good model yeah you know what's good about correcting with care is were actually more concerned about molding characters instead of simply behavior modification right that's a good thought, and that's a big one right because we want our children's character to grow and be defined by joy and peace and so a lot of the times it in my home and we correct with care. Again, where we are present with our kids.

They know that they're not alone, but there are consequences to their behavior. So if they're fighting in the being mean to each other.

We actually let them repair at worst, were around were watching them away to let them repair and say I'm sorry and within a matter of time there back to playing but it's we are correcting those unwanted behaviors by staying relationally connected with them and saying okay yeah I see that you didn't do what I asked you to do so.

What needs to happen here and what can happen here so that you learn from this and this doesn't happen again. So were with our kids as they learn this a good mindful thing you know, how do I correct with care. I'm concerned, when you look at the Christian community, particularly we can be so focused on performance and behavioral performance, particularly that we squelch the God-given join our children because were were always measuring. Are you hitting the mark or hitting the mark or you're not hitting the mark and were conveying that disappointment talk at the damage in that regard. While it's true it's I watch a lot of kids who go to the other parent center the Christian schools hoping they're going to get molded. They got that got all the stuff in and at the end is like the kid can't wait to leave home. You like they don't want anything to do with their parents faith at all anything to do with it and I like what happened along the way and a lot of times it isn't that they didn't get enough apologetics is that they didn't have enough joy in their relationships. There was enjoyed with the people at church. There was enjoyed with the people and their family. There wasn't a joyful connection at the foundation on which to build all of the truth in the way that so if you think about the way God designed the brain.

Everything happens on the right side ring first before gets the left side.

We have tended to flip that in our parenting and our discipleship. To be honest and that is that we lead with all the truth stuff on the left and then instead of leading with the relational bonding and joy bonding process is on the right side exit.

I mean that's the concrete thing. It's easy to follow rules or point out when people are falling amidst the Pharisaism in our heart right then the Lord say no it's relationship, relationship, love your neighbor, don't judge your neighbor said so hard, especially in the parenting room.

I want to get to the. The analogies better oxygen mask and the I do have the experience of being in a aircraft that was decompressed and we had with the masks on and can you believe it after hearing the mask will not inflate a thousand times. The first thing I said is my bags not inflate so you will PT as we got down find is scary to me. Will this increase your analogy want you drowning yeah you know what Marcus and I yeah we do spend a lot of times on airplanes and as parents, we tend to just think we can keep giving and getting out of we don't have and so what Marcus and I are hoping parents walk away with in this book lives look when you grow your own joy. That means inevitably, you will have more joy to get your children, and so we really hope this is also a good wake-up call for parents that look get your mock oxygen mask on start taking better care of yourself. Start growing your joy with your family with your community and then that's going to actually give you more of the good stuff to pass on to your kids, which is a win-win.

Put it on first and then help your child next to you right you can't grow joy your children if you don't have any joy you know in your life so you have to find ways to build that joy relationally with your spouse with your kids with friends.

The more joy that you create relationally in your life the more joy or to be able share with your kids. That's a good one, make sure we cover your acronym plan. How can we plan PLA in joy yeah this is actually a call out to her other book, the four habits of joy filled marriages mission uses the plan idea here that is, we grow joy by playing together. If and when you think about when you're friends with somebody you play together. That's one of things you do you listen for emotions and not just problems. The main problem we run into in communication is that we listen. As soon as we hear the problem we think we have them all figured out. We quit listening instead of actually taking the time to listen for the motion validate that emotion and then deal with the problem, then the a as we appreciate every day were finding something authentic to appreciate about the people in our lives, our spouses or kids and then nurturing a rhythm that's part of making sure that everybody gets a chance to rest that were not just going going going all the time that we are protecting the people in our environment from overdoing it. And so we were creating a rhythm that makes us sustainable over time. Lastly, let's speak to the mom or dad listening or viewing today who is from that load joy family perhaps, and it produced. Guess what a low joy person and they don't value joy, especially in the context of what it provides the household. The family what you say to them, how do they shake that often try to do things differently. Yeah, you know it's good about this is a little bit of effort goes a long way here so as parents, you know, go have coffee with a friend.

One of the great practical ways we can grow joy as parents into sharing joyful stories. So with other parents. Hey, what are some highlights of your parenting. What are some great things it lessons in wisdom that you've learned and so just really connecting with people spending time with God. When we have a God who is glad to be with us spending time as a word but connecting with people that we genuinely feel they are glad to be with us and every time we do that, that's actually investing in joy for you that will come across and come down to children. Chris, Marcus.I know that parent is out there, probably by the thousands. I hear you and you're saying you don't understand the frustration that my teenagers causing our home. It's hard to come home and and create an atmosphere of joy because this teenager is not behaving the way they need to behave and they disrespect us and all those things.

So there's this tension and I'm still this is like a major speedbump in your joy freeway. So how does a parent stay the adult and exhibit joy when their kids one or more of them is in a not as good a place as you want them to be and your frustration is coming out as a parent how to get that all corrected in the next 32nd 30 seconds.

If you think that the important thing here is you got one take care of your own joy levels. Make sure that you they don't deplete to practice attunement with your kids, even if there causing all kinds of problems.

Find out what it is that they are feeling and validate that you don't have to agree that they should be feeling something in order to validate your simply acknowledging that that is in fact what they're feeling, and the more often that happens in the more authentic it is, the more trust you will begin to rebuild in that relationship. There are some relationships you can't save and so you keep praying for them in the lives of the classic prodigal situations and you pray for them and you keep you have to really keep your own joy levels high. At that point and keep the doors open. Now that is really good. I depending thought about that when we have that deep prodigal child situation where it's just angst. When if you're talking and when you talk to at Marcus and Chris.

This is been so good. There's so much more in a course when were doing an interview in 30 minutes were never to be able to get to all the content so this is one of those resources that you really need is a parent because it's filled with approaches that you will benefit from and your family, and most importantly your children and we have your book available. The four habits of raising joy filled kids right here Focus on the Family so don't hesitate. I would love to send it to you if you can become a monthly partner one time gift will send it as our way of saying thank you and if can afford it will get it out to you and will trust that those in the Christian community will take care of the cost of that and if you're struggling with joy. Maybe you feel like you don't have it were, as we've talked. Today we've touched on something that is really a trouble for you to give us a call. We have caring Christian counselors here and be happy to talk with you and maybe you directly to more resources and help our number 800 the letter a in the word family or stop by the website link is in the notes, Marcus Chris, great to have you with us. Thank you think you is good to be here. We've really enjoyed it and I hope you can join us again next time. As we hear from Chante felt hot and she has tips on how you can change your relationships through the power of kind and I think that's something that we as Christians is that his truth is crucial if we can't speak to his lies and his kindness far better in most cases to stay silent, we can often do more next to his right and not bring glory to him on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team. Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back. As we once again help you and your family drive hey this is John Fuller and Focus on the Family is looking for talented writers and editors to help reduce our audio programs and podcasts go to focusonthefamily.com/about/careers. To learn more about these and other job opportunities.

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