Fighting for Your Daughter's Heart

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Take the assessment of focusonthefamily.com/7 traits that's focusonthefamily.com/7 trade that for me Lee Christian singer and songwriter better known as talking about the day. Her only daughter was born and Tiffany is with us today on Focus on the Family to unpack the challenges and joys that often come with mother-daughter relationships, your hostess focus president and author Jim Daly and I'm John Fuller John a big part of parenting is fighting for our kids in many areas of life. We fight for things like their character development and their faith in Christ. But any parent knows that sometimes fighting for your kids also means fighting with them, whether you have boys or girls. It seems to be similar, and it seems like that paradox is especially true in the mother-daughter relationship.

I think those two relationship kind of father-son mother-daughter have unique fireworks at times and I noticed that with my wife, Jean, I mean her and her mom would have some sparks mount again and there is something unique in that mother-daughter relationship order to cover that today, but that you know John for me. I only have two sons, so I haven't had the pleasure of a daughter you do I see and I must say right now it's good they're all adults and they called her mom and talk with her and hang out but there was a season when is one of them called hormones where it's really Front and foremost and and those transition years in the teens. Oh my goodness. There were a lot of fights and I want to encourage moms of daughters to listen to this broadcaster.

This podcast together. It could be a great way to spark some deeper conversation about the joys and challenges of living together and being together stop by the website you'll find archived audio link to the YouTube are mobile apps he can listen on the go.

You can even get a CD if you want to and that is in the show notes and as I mentioned earlier, our guest is Tiffany Lee she's been releasing music for well over 20 years. I think as plum and she's got a great book.

It's called fight for her.

Even if you have to fight her and I were to be exploring that stop by the website for that book as well. Debbie welcome back to focus. Thank you.

Think what a topic, why did you pick this to write about.

Well, I think Clementine is now 11 was about three and we were having a moment as many mothers have at their children with a tantrum and I had judged moms prior to being a mom and your entire get that sound like in your head. How did you judge your mother just if their child was misbehaving not know what to do. They must not be a great parent they don't know how to control that until that child and so she's having a tantrum and at one point at three. She's not two or three.

And so she's pitching a fit. She wanted in her seat in the van. She won't put her shoes on and I had to give an ultimatum and and I said unique pick these two which one these tissues right here and then you can get your seat and 10 whole seconds. In summary, I'm not really accounting mom like 123.

I expect you to do what I'm asking to do and you do it when I say to do it, however, that doesn't always work with little kids a little impression time Piazza triangular grace and I said and I'll give you 10 seconds and you can she's which pair you want to wear anything get near car seat and we count to 10 and there's no shoe chosen, and there still about attitude and I don't want to put shoes on and I don't want to go for a ride and so I picked the shoes popped up on her toes scooped her up and put in her car seat.

Of course she's kicking and screaming and just absolutely angry with me and I buckled her in and it is my boys are both kind of just like well it's kinda quiet this moment, and I looked at her and I can grab you know that the buckle the seatbelt for a car seat. I can grab what you clip it to get an accounting but my hand around it and got into her face and I said you change your attitude and a change it right now you can do that you get to change your attitude just can't stand me with her beautiful green eyes and I said I will fight for you, even if I have to fight you actually say the word and I said that as soon as that came out of my mouth. I was like the book one day and because I got it all figured out.

Unlike the rest of you trying to figure it out. So this is my story will it's good to know perfect parents have their moments. They in fact in the book you talk about 20 years prior to her being born are already developing a relationship with your future daughter that you weren't sure Juergen have you had two boys already. If I get 1/3 yes boy, but speak to that, about how you found yourself in situations as a teenager and spoke to your future daughter. I have a really like the trajectory of my life was changed to 16 years old and I just finished 10th grade.

The most popular girl in the school senior, graduated homecoming queen had a party that anybody was anybody got invited to and so I just got my drivers license. Maybe two months before this.

And school has just gotten out just finished my sophomore year, and I begged my parents to go to this party and they agree they say were in a trust you and let you go and had reason to believe that party would look a certain way were entirely sure, but they are trusting me and send me to the party and I get to the party and there's you know a porous quote unquote anyone who's anyone is there that namely a particular upperclassman. The way that had my eye on who would never really paid attention to me that I was thought he was really cute and I get to the party and he's been aligning his way over to me and he says my maiden name is Arbuckle and he said Tiffany Arbuckle is a gets I'm really surprised to see you here which should've been my first clue that the spelling of my scene that he says wow it's amazing to see her and of course my hearts racing in them's just on my gosh I'm at this party. Everyone's cool here. Maybe this me know. Now when I come in upperclassman next year. Maybe this will somehow label me as cool because I was at that party and he has a red solo cup in his hand. He reaches forward.

He says here you go. And it was not Sprite and right as I was about to take it and extend my hand. I heard a little girl's voice say no mom, and it freaked me out. I pulled my hand away and he kinda made a face and I said his quest not to tell him I just heard a little girl's voice. A man at cigarette. Definitely not the most attractive thing anyway so I pulled my hand away and I pretty quickly after that left the party and I walk in the door. My mom says your back early and said this look on her face like she kinda knew like something happen and I was a not had an attitude at that point I was right about everything. She was wrong about everything as far as I was concerned and I didn't like she was right that the party probably wasn't what I should've been at some attitude was liking what you write. Everybody there was drinking. Everybody there was partying, as published in been there.

I left anybody probably thinks I'm a loser now that I'm skin go to my room as I go to my room not telling my mom about this little girls voice that I heard and that little girl's voice was consistent every time I was tempted to wear something a little sexier anytime. I was tempted to go a little further with the boys and I should have been. Anytime I was a little tempted a little tempted a little tempted that little girl's voice would come into my head and by probably 23, 24 years old. I was pretty sure I knew what that voice was. It was the Lord using the voice of maybe a little girl one day that I will look at and tell my story to it's pretty profound when you think about it that you had that and how are you this point. 15 of 1660 Atlanta, to be able to have that presence to say if I do this, how my going to explain this to my future daughter if I have a daughter that not many people are that forward thinking. I think you will parents every talk I had a prayer I great parents. My mom had grown up in a non-Christian home and had always wanted a daughter I type heard my whole life about how much she wanted me and thought about me and wanted to have a different life for me than she had had in the sense that I would raise in a Christian home and that she didn't have that luxury.

And then I just I knew that I really really matter to her so that if I did ever have a daughter. I definitely had that seed planted of the thoughtful of who my daughter would be Monday that particular moment. It was Jesus, but I so appreciate that. In terms of your mom being vulnerable to, you know, sometimes parents all of us experience.

I do this to were guarded. We don't want our kids to know everything when we were there, is what we are thinking what we're doing. Perhaps you know Christ works in all of our lives differently but always toward the same goal, right, sanctification, vulva, but in your teen years. Sometimes it just takes a little while to get off the runway spiritual yeah and I just admire that really that your mom spoke about her brokenness and it gave you.

I think that was the linkage to give you a perception that you better think about your actions for your future. That's a profound depth and is it really really is not for like the Lord is so creative and he knows how to communicate with us. And so even though I hear little girls voice. You know it was really the Lord, you know, we hear from so many mother-daughter relationships from either one of them and often times it's about the complication of their relationship, how it's not working, speak to that issue of the grief from you and your daughters.

11. Your right around the corner from some years can be a little more of a challenge than the younger years have you anticipated that. Are you thinking about what it could be and then how do you look back on your own relationship with your mom, and the more difficult stuff. Even though your plotting her mothering.

I'm sure you had your fights. Yes, mother wrote the forward to the book I gave her a run for her money and I can now at 44 years old.

Talk about what a great mother. She was that it in it.

In the midst of 13 to 19. Specifically, like those years there I was cruel. Some of the things I would say I was very disrespectful. I was extremely selfish and I had a mother that I did not really mean what she's modeling something I don't realize the value of it until I'm needing that education and that information because I'm in a situation similar to that of what she was in my mother modeled. She cared more about holiness than my happiness and more about faithfulness than my friendship and she hoped that by caring about holiness and faithfulness that one day there may be some happiness here and there may be a friendship, but she really cared more about being faithful to what God had asked her to do with me than she did about she and I getting along. She really just had a trust and hope that God would honor her efforts.

That's really good. The balancing future for all of us parents were the other daughters saw this this idea of grace and truth.

I know as a parent.

Speak directly to that mom that feels like all we do is fight it's like soon as we wake up from the time we go to bed. It seems like a struggle constantly. Don't wear that do this show up at this time and all the processing this goes we have the response or the disrespect for the moments of living in that place.

What would you say to her.

I will speak to her from the perspective of her daughter, because I was that daughter stay the course.

Don't try to swallow the ocean. Just take it one day at a time. Wake up prayerful that God I love my daughter help me to do right by her give me the courage to say what I need to say give me the courage to not say what I need to not say that help me to trust that she's yours before she's mine. She's way more yours before she's mine. And so to not overwhelm yourself that she can live or die by your right and wrong and left for us lover lover lover and pray for her as she rolls her eyes and she slams her door. Don't be afraid of her.

My mother was not afraid of me and I go back to that friendship and faithfulness, holiness and happiness little comment I made my mom put up with someone who did not like her for a long time now having a daughter that had to be brutal.

I'm sure I went to school and she cried probably many many many many times I don't even know that I broke her heart many times that I don't even know about that again.

She was resting in her identity as God's daughter before she was my mother and so you gotta choose that and you get to choose that Tiffany a moment ago you mentioned your fear about having a daughter so it's going to that old mom of two sons this point.

Must've been wonderful genes a moment to his success, but now you're pregnant.

You obviously didn't look at the gender and boom you have the baby and it's a girl. What was that emotion like well so I have a girl and says they put her on my chest. I just kissing her and telling my lover and I managed to say it's you. While I have known you my whole life and you have saved me so many times and in that moment I felt this sense, and I really connected with my mom in a much deeper way a lot of things were happening simultaneously at that delivery because II realized then that's how much my mom left me. I love my boys.

My mom had a son, so I knew how she loved him and that I had these children, so I knew the love of a mother, but the love of a mother and daughter. I finally understood and there's this wealth of chest remorse that I had to I couldn't get to my mom fast enough to say I'm so sorry. Well, I now know how much you loved me and how hard that was, man. I'm sorry my mom of course was like you have been forgiven long time ago and I just knew. Maybe one day shot a daughter, and shall understand how much I let her come the tears are in your yeah see That's a powerful yet and I'm sure that the pieces of the puzzle of loving your mom for what she stood for actually help you to realize is jigsaw puzzle. Most pieces continue to fall the plate yes no, it seems to me in all human endeavors.

Communication is the key, but the mother-daughter relationship as we talked about is so unique, and there can be a lot of passion in that relationship and so I think the right question is how do you keep communication open or as open as possible is probably the better way to say it when it comes to mother-daughter relationship because it can turn into a little bit of a verbal brawl.

I think La Sparks can fly between mothers and daughters.

How do you do that how do you as a mom had absorbed those scratches and still love that daughter who's doing the scratching yes and that is a daughter you know what you say to them about pulling the cause a little bit when it comes to mom three things come to mind when you said that in this is that it makes my experience of how my mother did this and what I'm trying to do with my own daughter.

But how I also do this in my female relationships with other daughters, other women taking an interest in what interests them there some things that I was interested in that my mother could not do did not know anything about can never experienced the other is you regret that.

Do you okay she just didn't have an interest in that now she took an interest you did it. Yes, taking an interest in that help to my mother cannot sing. She is to death. But if I was going to be singing anywhere.

She was the one thing have you practiced all your your tape player is broken. Let's go get another one like a what time do we need to leave. I'll take you what song you can a singular practice it for me. Like really entered your world. She took an interest in what interested me. I could relate to and dancing. The second thing is time she spent quality time with me. Sometimes I do not want to spend time with her and I think in our culture. Sometimes when children are pulling away. Parents feel like I need to give them some space but on the contrary think there sometimes when they need you even more so my mom would take me out for tea or she would say let's bake a pie don't want to bake a pie mom I've got other things.

You know what I don't care. You can bake a pie with me and so you know that time together may have been a little unpleasant. She was still showing me her passion for me and the other was honesty that my mom was did not tiptoe around, but it was true with me, even if it hurt my feelings, even if it created an argument so honesty at time and an interest as if they think through and we are so appreciating the lessons that Tiffany Lee has learned over the years and is applying in her own motherhood journey. I hope your dialed in to get a copy of this book with Tiffany is written called fight for her. Even if you have to fight her. The authors listed as plumb that your stage name.

We got copies of the book will make it easy.

Just stop by your website or give us a call and if you can't make a donation when you get in touch and we would appreciate that greatly. That helps us to continue producing programs like this making podcasts available a great resources so our number is 800 the letter a in the word family. That's 800-232-6459 or will have further details in the episode notes in another area.

Tiffany were mothers and daughters seem to struggle is in this area of comparison understand you compare yourself to your mom for many years that haven't you learned to embrace who God made you to be in distinctly different from your mom.

I did learn the hard way and I'll be really honest, I'd love to tell you that I just eventually had this self-discovery and I just decided to accept who I was different from her. I realized that Julie Arbuckle is my mom, God created her to be Tiffany's mom, but that God created Tiffany to be Solomon, and Oliver and clementines mom that Julie Arbuckle's their grandma right not there mother and that the differences in me are intentional because they my children are also not me just like I am not my mom and so I am a singer songwriter.

I travel but I still refused to let anyone help me clean my house or watch my children so I'm good to do it all on that to raise my children just like my mom raised me that my mom didn't have concerts.

My mom didn't go and speak.

She didn't go in songwriter that was fine.

Maybe the Lord created her in the place that she was in, so that she could be completely available to helping shape me to become who you are talking to.

Now you know what it sounds like I want to hear the end of that but it sounds like you're trying to be two people is Austin I was trying to be two people and eventually realized that I'm not less of a mom for Clementine not being Julie and Tiffany. I'm actually a better mother for Clementine when I'm just being Tiffany and so part of clementines mom is that she does travel and that she does have to miss some of her games.

Sometimes she is an out volleyball practice. Sometimes I do have to miss some things. And there's that part of me that the enemy wanted to feel as guilt and shame as like you're missing things your mother would have never missed, but at the same time not recognizing that the Lord knows that if he's called me to this he is going to be in clementines like he's gonna provide the things that Clementine needs that I'm not meeting in my absence. If I'm doing what is called me to. And so we have to trust the Lord to be for our children what they need. What does not come from you was so good about that, whose turn rest have peace of and don't be in turmoil right God will use turmoil in that uneasiness for a purpose. So you gotta pay attention to it, but sometimes you can overthink that all the enemy. The enemy will use guilt and shame and anxiety and fear. Those are not attributes of Jesus.

My best friend told me that when I was going to really dark. Of just a season that I was in that I was struggling with those four things and she said we know that's not Jesus Geller fruit of the spirit right. Guilt makes you continue to hide conviction, guilt and conviction are two very different things. Conviction brings you to the feet of Jesus and you bring light and you say help me God help me. Maybe it's in your parenting. Maybe it's in a number of other things you let him. And when you come to his feet. That's not guilty or convicted and he's gonna meet your need and he's going to answer your questions in your prayers and your you know the needs of your heart and your family and so what I was struggling with just as many mothers do the enemy want to keep that in the dark. He does not want you to come to the feet of Jesus and he doesn't want you to let community in, but those are the two places you can find tremendous help them. It was good. I think the right last question is here which is motherhood can be difficult and exhausting your expressing that all the things the way your mind is spinning and connecting in lists, and all the things that go on in a woman's brain, a mom's brain all the stuff that you fall short with the rarely is the pat on the back that I'm doing this well it's always self-examination, but it's also incredible that God is called you do this the way you describe the moment a God wrap it up and say God is perfect. He's not making mistakes.

You're the mother of the child for an eternal purpose and that can be overwhelming but I think you should walk in peace with the God knew that you would be the child. Mom the universe was formed. That's pretty amazing. However, I want to speak to that mom whose heart is weary and who feels like her efforts with her, her children, maybe even her husband might be going to waste his his helplessness. What can you say to her to not be helpless or hopeless.

What comes to mind is kind of a resounding theme from what we talked about and it is letting the light in and speaking the truth out loud regardless of what you feel and incorporating community into your story.

You could be feeling that way because more so it's not that when you have community and truth that you don't feel those things. That's not true.

You do still feel as things enemies at work all the time. He wants you to hear all the mistakes you made. He wants to remind you over and over and over and over and over.

He wants you to feel inadequate and unworthy and he's really good at reminding us of all that so we drowned it out with the truth. Have no fear. You not listening to this by accident and God's with you.

That is an irrefutable truth that he is always with you. He always loves you, he is not giving more than you can handle. He truly has equipped you for what is called you to. And if you are a parent. Whether it's a boy or girl you're a parent, he will give you all the tools that you need. You just need to get still and listen to them and it's okay to get. Still, it's okay to be quiet.

If that means that you lock the door for your bath time and you just get along with Jesus and you cry out to him you get alone with your Bible and you fall asleep reading it. If you go to coffee, maybe it's not even in your budget to go to coffee but you really need to go to coffee was somebody to talk to them. Just trust the Lord will provide. Maybe that person does decide to get your coffee for you just don't keep it in the dark because the enemy wants you to feel that he wants you to hear that and God's power in you, and his voice is loud or if you choose to that something that we don't talk enough about in the church that choice. You get to choose to put that in your life or to keep it out and so don't choose to let that be the noise that you hear the most. Don't choose to stay in the dark. Don't choose to do this by yourself, choose to reach out and say God help me, and he will moment goodness he will.

He does not want you to do it alone. He just needs you to work with him. Tiffany this is such good stuff and so encouraging for all of us and I want to let the listener know if you need that community. Tiffany has been talking about what we want to be there for you. That's why we have our team of Christian counselors in the past year, more than 170,000 moms and dads have let us know that focus help them work through significant crisis with their child and we would be honored to hear your story to. No matter how complicated it might be, and together we will help you start your journey toward healing and you can get in touch with the Focus on the Family counselor by calling 800 K in the word family or click the link in the episode show notes to learn more Jon, I want to say thank you to our listeners who have teamed up to support the ministry. This is a group of people who believe in God's design for marriage and family and that they have committed to praying for Focus on the Family and supporting the ministry financially when they can. If you believe in the mission of Focus on the Family. Please give a gift of any about whatever you can get even five dollars, $10. Help so much when many of when you give will send you a copy of Tiffany's book fight for her. Even if you have to fight her as our website. Thank you for being part of the team. Her focus. Her number is 800 K family will have further details so on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team. Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we want to help you and your family thrive parent are you looking for an informative encouraging and engaging resource for your teen daughter. Check out the new and improved Frio magazine from us on the family almost double the original size look like format is trusted biblically-based magazine provides teen girls with inspiring stories and advice. Cultural insight and positive role model teen girl lived out subscribed Frio magazine.com real magazine.com