Encouraging Dads to Be Heroes (Part 2 of 2)

Good parents aren't perfect and that's okay but there are ways you can grow every day.

Focus on the Family seven traits of effective parenting assessment gives parents an honest look at their unique strings plus some areas that could use a little help every mom and dad can help raise the next generation of healthy children and responsible children in this assessment will help get you started. Take the assessment in focusonthefamily.com/7 traits that's focusonthefamily.com/7 trade last time I Focus on the Family Dr. Meg Meeker was our guest and she talked about the incredible importance of fathers.

Children need their fathers engaged in their life. Even if the wife don't think the father is a great husband. That child needs parts of his father. There is something great that you have your child wants.

Dr. Meeker is back with us today and thanks for joining us on John Fuller and your hostess focus Pres. and Dr. Jim Daly John we heard a great discussion last time with Dr. she is a big fan of dads which comes through loud and clear.

Dads are under a lot of pressure were doing the best we can, but it's always great to get a pat on the back to encourage us think of that honey over sticks and I think that's the most positive aspect of the discussion last time letting dads know that even when parenting is tough. We need to hang in there and keep moving forward. Dr. Meg Meeker has written a wonderful book you've got this unlocking the hero dad within and of course we have copies of that book here. If you missed the last conversation we talked about the power of the father's words and his influence on sons and daughters also discussed feminism, and other topics in the culture. If you missed any of that. I just checked the episode notes and find the links there to go back and listening. Let's pick up where we left off last time you were talking very intimately about your father, and fathers who blow it and the need for them not to pull back and even in that area. You described the teenage girl. His dad doesn't know the hugger anymore those things. It caught my attention because Jean and I when we first got married, you know, she struggled with that intimacy, just holding hands and hugging and we start to talk about it and her father pulled back at about 1213. She remembers it being that her mom and said something to him like honey, you, your girls are now blossoming is not appropriate for you as a father to be physically touching them or hugging them. That happens you did describe it last time.

That way, but that also happens where the dad is asked by the mom not to show that kind of affection to a teenage daughter and the bad backs up that the child left hanging out there. Doesn't that let me exactly when you look at young teenage girls who are sexy active at 1415 16 and I've seen scads of them.

Unfortunately, they will say the reason they do it is to have somebody touch them and hug them and it's for a male figure and so really wanted the best things that a father can do to help his daughter stay away from sexual activity. Early is to give her physical affection interestingly is research that shows the number one way to boost a girl self-esteem is to have her father show her more physical affection.

It isn't to get her a piano tutor or help her get her grades up or give her ice skating lessons are all those things are good right but we think it will get them learn to do something well in their self-esteem up a lot but interesting with girls.

We know that physical affection from God that makes them feel better about who they are as a person telling particularly when we are talking about the influence and the power that father has on it in a child's life there you go there's that authority again that was how my dad thinks that I'm lovely enough or wonderful enough or valuable enough for him to come and give me a big hug. I must really be something because children see their fathers is so enormous right and I'm sure Jean's dad never knew that car that he created in her heart, exactly, and a lot of fathers wound their kids not because they have bad intentions, it's because they don't know or they think that's what they're supposed to do because their kids during their teen years.

Give them vibes that they don't want their father around so the father is okay and he leaves and he walks away. And that's exactly the opposite of what you need to do and so a big part of the work that I do again is to show fathers what the kids need even throughout adolescence, so they don't get their feelings hurt and I don't over read their kids. They understand this child is confused and to whatever degree they expressed discomfort with me there expressing discomfort with themselves right.

Not me. So don't take your kids personally. Dad will information this last year.

So Jean and I had foster kids living with this five and three and the older one was a girl, which was new for me and for Jean and I remember one night talking her into bed and I would pray over the kids and I remember she was in the upper bunk bed so she kinda could look me I die and she's looking through the little wooden greats. There she said I love you Mr. Jim and I said I love you too, and always be here for you and she took my hand when her hand and started to stroke her little cheek with and I I was kinda because I have two boys that you know we tickle each other before we go to bed and give each other big bellies with the tenderness of that moment really strong incredible gift to her to understand that her early exposure in life to mail love is you well in the appetite. Yes what yes it was lovely and it concerned me because I could see her appetite for that effect behind my need affection and love from a man and I will tell you if young girls early on in life are hurt by their father or a male figure, they will shut down any type of affection reaching out to men later in life, and God himself. You talk about three questions and we promise last time we want to get to the end. So let's cover that one of the three questions your kids need answered by their father. Yeah I came up with these questions because they really are about growing the heart of your child. In the spirit of Utah were so about teaching our kids to perform well and were pretty good, and that brought about the externals but that's not what makes them feel valuable as a human being. The first question every child needs their father to answer is what you believe about me, dad and about this. That's what my father was answering to me and we talked yesterday on the program that when I didn't get into medical school and I overheard my father tell a friend that I was going to go what he communicated to me in 30 seconds is I believe you have everything it takes to get to where you want to go and that changed my life that changed my adult, the trajectory of my adult work every five-year-old girl. Her son, when they walk into a room.

They want their father, their reading their father for clues about what he thinks about them.

Does daddy like what I'm coloring dizzy like what I'm talking about. Does he like when I'm wearing does he like what I just built does he see me. You know they're there looking and searching for clues about what you think about them in and in short, they are that what you believe about the person that I am if you will come home and you don't even notice me and I'm sitting in the kitchen and you walk right by me you believe. I'm not worth noticing were not there or I'm not there. You believe I'm invisible or if I father on the other end. You know were so performance oriented and training our kids to be good performers today and we follow them around all their athletic games if the only time we we praise them and applaud them is when they're on soccer field. Guess what that child learns to thank you believe about him is that you believe he's a really great soccer player and and it's worth watching him play soccer but you really don't get many attention. Any other time so boil boy back it's going to play soccer. Meg, let me let me tease this out for you, but because of the way men think and fathers think. I think I qualify you sometimes those things are important to you and you can get lost in the performance area in that can create some tension yes. How does a man dial it back to understand the greater virtues that he needs to pass on to his shoulder back to when he was a kid what he want from stat all things are wonderful. Get your kids out playing sports help them excel in things, but at the same time say when I was 15. If my father would've come in and set man, oh man, I am so proud that you are my son say that and I get that. I think that's a healthy dynamic in the bedroom the right thing. But what if I said that my 15-year-old he's got a sharp tongue is always mouthing off. He disrespects me. I'm going through that with me were some dads live in their relationship with their teenage son or daughter in your saying and I've heard this clearly last time and this time that you got the adult brain.

Your fully formed your breaking.

You got a act adult like, and you've got overcome that and stay engaged even though you're not feeling the love from the teenager and I'm just saying how to go about starting that mechanism of looking beyond a going beyond the angst but you're getting from the teenager. The sharp words the I want to take the trash outline how do you get over that still be a loving father and hopefully get the direction you know, here are a couple of things because a lot of kids end up that way. First of all the snarky or nasty or your teenager behaves, the more that child is saying to you each time get attention from you. That's why kids do it, so he's not trying to be mean because he dislikes has a father he's really saying please please please please please will you pay attention me and spent some time with me. So if your child is really mouthing off and there in a bad place.

You need to find some time for that child and to be able to tap time of that town and endure him this just in to take them camping all your man.

You can do it again in a canoe and let him does rail on you if he feels like it because it will come to an end. What he's saying is please please please dad you know I need more of you to give them your time and don't take them personally and if you need to set pretend he is your neighbor's kids for a couple of hours to endure what he's saying to you because you just can go crazy on do that if you need to and then as he starts to simmer down. Then you say to him. I am so glad you are my son is a boy you talking about what you talk about did you know what you can say anything you want am so glad you are my son, to stop all this will that takes a lot of as you said Jim adult bees so to not feel so disrespected by that because I'm in there in your face saying yeah we can do about it. What I would do if I took him canoeing is after he told me what he thought of me that I splash I know, so I love you but I'm to get you all with him better than being ignored. This is Focus on the Family and our guest is Dr. Meg Meeker was written the book were talking about, you've got us unlocking the hero dead within and we got copies here, just check the link in the episode or call 800 K in the worth.

Okay Meg you've covered one of the questions you believe about me, which was convicted of the convicts you a little bit take that moment to tell your kids these things. Another question of the three was how do you really feel that many great parents will tell me my practice all I love my kids. I adore my kids. And yet when I talk to those kids who are usually teenagers and I asked those kids were struggling using the kids her depression and anxiety are there acting out is when you family loves you and think they always say that my mom does because she has to write mom's love is constant. Mom mom's love is nonnegotiable. Why is because every child feels if your mother doesn't love you at least your mother, then your life is worth living, because it has to start somewhere and this is very interesting, but your father's love is negotiable is the wildcard it's a wildcard. Now, even if a child has a fabulous father who would never leave hotels is kids.

He loves every day in a child's mind that child still needs to behave well because they can't risk losing their father's luck and that's I say children approach their mothers and their fathers very differently and as I say that many adults will think back on their own how to go yeah I get when my dad walked in. I just wasn't sure what he was think I feel about my mom. I could be mean to my mom because she couldn't go anywhere. This is an old story, and I think Dr. Dobson even use this years ago were at a prison, a greeting card company took Mother's Day cards for them to fill out right there mom and they had to go back to the warehouse to get more cards because everybody stood in line in that prison to send a note in your mom to the market but then they did it for Father's Day, thinking they'd have the same great success. Not one prisoner wanted to send a note to his father think that that's what that say a sad tale of where we are in our culture right now is that I think fathers feel so marginalized and feel their value is so low in the family that men of just basically left in my messages. If we don't get our dads back in our homes. If you really want to restore our country get our dads back one by one by what you want safer neighborhoods safer schools dads back so you need to forget about the police put dads back in the inner cities and the drug that Isaac go away you because there's accountability and authority and authority. But how do you feel about me so that the cry of every child's heart is dad, do you really really love me and kids will go to extremes to find out if dad loves them. I've had girls run off and get pregnant just to see if dad is still going to love them sons who act horrible horrible or nasty and mean because they're testing their debt. What can I do to make you not love me anymore if they feel insecure in love act out and be horrible people and as I say the more horrible they act. I look at those teenagers and the worse they act, the more I see inside than this little child curled up in all in a fetal position going please please please please please tell me that you really love me and a father almost has the spell over attack. He can break that spell yes I do yes I do, you can go sit in a closet for the rest of your life where you can act like a jerk. The rest your life. Guess what you can't shake me if you go homeless and you get pregnant you go do this, follow you book the runaway bunny.

That's what it detonates to be in a little kid who runs away mama one to be there and at the time that you don't let me I'm in a go and I'm to plant myself and be a flower in a garden and the mother says oh but I'll become a flower night right next you will go and be a boat on the ocean in the window come and take me well then I'll be the sale on the boat.

That's what fathers need to do chase after your kids and show them you love them no matter what it takes and say it. Your father's his feelings are hurt less snarky 17-year-old who is given a hard time and angry all the time. Do you know how you could write all that if you constantly.

I love you I love you anyway this is so true. Here's one of the difficulties I think we have as fathers we think in the geometric terms. What I mean by that is we think that well for saying I love you is 9 ft.³ big and we have shoved 11 ft.³ of I love you in there so that should be sufficient and we walk away not realizing were 9 ft.³ short, they can never fill that void.

No, you have to keep on doing. Here's one thing I've learned if you feel you're not getting through the your child. You sit them down you say this now. This takes manliness okay so I'm serious sometimes but here you sit down with your 17-year-old son.

It's a you not hear my concerns, I see that you are really unhappy and you really struggling and you're flunking out of school and here is what concerns me the most. I love you but I'm not getting through to you. So what can I do as your father to show you how much I love what do you need from me, show me how I can love you better and then listen and listen to so many so many emotions though. Can cloud, especially a young adult were in adolescence thinking how can they possibly respond with something that dad can take an in use. So this is what they usually do, eventually they'll usually start to cry because they know you mean business. When a child knows that dad means business in communicating that he really loves and that's really all you need to do because they don't need magic from you.

They just want to know that you really want to do you not going with it so easy you know sometimes I'll tell teen girls. Here's the deal. What you need understand that your dad you say your dad doesn't love you.

I know your dad loves you because I know your dad. Here's the problem as a man. He's trying to communicate the concepts sideways and you know so you need to talk to him say this to a daughter right in front of her father, so I will Seder tell him now what he needs to do and she will look at him with blank stare into cry. This is in your doctor's office will my practice that the government can't take it all. They Pinned down you're doing so much more than he thought because I realized years ago. If I want to help kids if I don't help their parents help their parent I have to worry about child. So whenever I work with the child to have the parent in the room as my job is to draw them closer not separate them. So what do you see when you make that, your office, with his daughter and the father G looks at him and he looks at her and have blank stares, and they realize their crossing wires, but they really say love each other but they're not getting through this crazy grandmother lady said what you need to do and they don't know what to do, but they know they want to. All they need is really good stuff. Your third question was, what are your hopes for mankind to cover that with your dad's story. What are your hopes. Here's why we need to communicate hopes teenagers don't think past 23 they got that far.

SAR line for five. I'm thinking more like the boys and sex activity they think all the good stuff comes before 25 so they better get it all in.

Then, because once they're married, it's bad.

We failed them. Okay so I tell otherwise, which makes them cringe because I'm fiftysomething but here's the thing we need to teach our teenagers listen. My job is to get you to 25 when all the brain cells and everything informed you finally done and I can be your friend and I can't until then, is to teach you that I'm just getting you ready for all the good stuff is a good stuff really comes after 25 and they look at you. Kind of like you they don't know what you're talking about, but you need to give them perspective.

Case in point. This is how I get kids to be sexy abstinent. I walk into high school, my Savior 15 years old. Your body is wired to be sexy active until the average lifespan of a man, which is 75, 50 to 75. 60 years a hoot and holler and scream and yell and they go wow I wear this lady but I say now I need you to pay attention to what I say because the next 10 years of your life are critical.

If I as your pediatrician what you have 50 healthy years, 25 to 75 Nagel wow, I think of you pay attention to what you do. The next 10 years. I guarantee you great sex for 50 years.Donna because I can perspective the good stuff. The great stuff comes a little later and that's why your teenage years in high school and even college are not real great. He tells you the high school years, a great go wild and do this do that. But the good stuff job relationships everything comes there. So that's my job is to give you hope that your good job. Is that come when you're 30s and 40s. That's a good word so good help you pay your dues when you're in your 20s 25 and you don't know what you want to beat me. I've talked to my boys about in terms of God's wedding night. Good yeah and he's got a special package wrapped up for you and your bride can't open this into your wedding if you just can't lie. Kids who come from a divorced family. Their wedding night is why would I want to do absolutely. And I you know they were right that we are and I've got the bazillion things only ask you but I want to speak to the single parent could be a mom or dad. There's more and more single-parent fathers to the but speak to their heart surgeon have to care this loan without help and they don't have the other gender present to bounce off of to emulate those things to the kids how to cope with that is what every single dad needs to know God has given you all of the wiring that you need to parent your child really well. My job is to come along and Little spark to that wiring. It's there so don't believe it's not there. It's their prey. God will help you. You can do a great job. It will take every morsel of strength and masculinity and prayer. You have but you can do it in monster and months to absolutely and moms and single moms help your children find a good solid safe male influence brothers father Pastor somebody and just bring that man to life for your child because particularly boys need to see a visual image in their mind of what a great man looks like to bring that man to life. Recognize that you can't do it all by yourself.

But that's okay you can do a good enough job which I wanted you to do good enough job don't need to be a great parent. Meg God is in all of this all talked about.

We have been overt. I want to just a minute.

The overt about God's role in all this and what you as a father need to do to spiritually guide your kids to point to your heavenly father you need to bring Christ alive to your children, you need to serve alongside your children and my husband was fabulous about that. He never said to the kids. I want you to do youth group. I want to do Bible studies I want to go on missions. He just took him right and they all want the mission work.

When I grew up.

So you lead them you know coach and day by day by day you focus on the play focus on today you know and and if you've got an possible 16-year-old that you are convinced is gonna end up in jail. It's just today the work is not done given that you got nine more years of the getting to 25. That's how the brain cells are there and brain cells are such a gift from God.

Focus on today.

Ask God for his grace today. Ask God to give you the electricity to your wiring that you need today, he will guide your speech he will help your heart he will help you have the strength to pursue your children and he will show you how to be their hero and a lot of times that which is walking in front of that's what heroes do. They walk in front be a hero.

Dr. med maker. This is terrific for two reasons. One, guys like manuals want to read the instructions on how to constructive. This is the kind of book you can read this is a father and it will give you some wonderful insights. In addition, that some of his guys like me don't read, but I wanted to build it without instruction that usually means I have a few screws and bolts of mental father to any father can be their child hero because in the child's eyes yelling already a great conversation today with Dr. Meg Meeker. Be sure to get her book, you've got this unlocking the hero dead within. And I might mention. We also have a CD of this broadcast organ to download or listen on the mobile app all the details are in the episode notes and I hope you also make a generous donation today to support the work of Focus on the Family day in and day out, were developing broadcasts and podcast resources designed to help you as a parent and were encouraging you in that journey, or your children who are raising your grandkids. Consider helping us with the gift to help them if you can join our monthly support team will send you a copy of Dr. maker's book as our way of saying thank you and if you're unable to make a monthly donation. Right now we get it, make a one-time gift and will be happy to send you that book. And as always if you need some inspiration and insight about your own parenting journey agar parenting assessment that is free.

It takes a few minutes it will be very insightful for you and it's right there on her website link is in the and join us next time. As we hear from recording artist Matt Hammett and his wife Sarah as they open up about how Matt's singing career really impacted their marriage. I see my wife in tears and I turned and I looked at the wedding picture sitting on the table right next to me and I could see such a stark contrast of the woman that was sitting in front of his and just broke my heart of Jim Daly and the entire team. Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back once more help you and your family thrive in Christ you're asking people to define the word appreciate it's like when something goes up in value. It's telling someone they did a good job Focus on the Family invite you to give a gift that appreciate when you give a non-cash gift of stocks, bonds or mutual funds. You will avoid capital gains tax deduction and help families thrive for generations to come.

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