Understanding Your Teen's Behavior (Part 2 of 2)

Sylvia's family was not in a good place.

She was failing as a wife and mother, but her rest was the last strong family hope never give up helping on writing a G on Jim Daly today, so he's family is thriving.

Working together can help rescue and strengthen more families like hers give today that focusonthefamily.com/real family. Don't enter into the teenage drama right I don't want to be a teenager I don't I live through those years. I don't go back to those years but so often I find myself walking away from an argument that I took the bait. I ran into it and I walked away thinking that I do that so many of us as parents can relate to that very scenario. I took the bait and today Dr. Jeremy Clark and his wife Jerusha are joining us again on Focus on the Family to help you avoid taking the bait your hostess focus author and Pres. Jim Daly and I John felt.

I love all the fishing in a jar.

Last time we heard the first part of the conversation about how we can understand what's happening as our teenagers brains grow and develop and it is really enlightening. If you miss the broadcast, lest I get the download or hear it online. You can also download the app for your smart phone. Great ways to listen to the whole library Focus on the Family one point we made with our guess is that the male brain is not fully developed. Now wives and moms are going course, but the male brain is not fully developed until somewhere around 24 to 27 years old and for girls it's about 23 okay let's hear it for the ladies. So when you're looking at odd behavior that just don't add up.

It might be because they're not there yet, and I'm definitely sitting in my two boys. I mean every year there is greater maturity and believe me, were grateful for that as parents we can better manage our emotions, knowing that there is a horizon of development and that's what we want to inform you about today. Yeah. And I guess Jeremy and Jerusha are living right there. Got a couple of teen girls Jeremy and Jerusha right together and have this book. Your teenager is not crazy and we have copies that check. The episode notes for all the details were so glad to have this couple back Jeremy Clark was a youth pastor for 17 years and now reaches out to ministry leaders through standing stone ministry in Costa Mesa, California. Jerusha is also a writer and speaker in the Clark's have two teen girls, as I mentioned previously, let's go ahead and return to part two of that conversation on Focus on the Family. Well, welcome to both of you Jeremy. You have spent really your life helping teens and that his shown in the discussion we had last time, just the way you brought brain chemistry into the discussion really gives John and I both a different perspective. I know millions of listeners who have heard this now there hanging on center to give us a more let's recap a bit and talk about that brain chemistry just give us the kind of the breakdown on what's growing in 1112-year-old boy and girl in the differences so to recap, there is a pruning that's going on from 11 in years old and girls in 12 1/2, a relatively roughly in boys and their brains are being pruned back and is going through a time of specialization, and the things that they do during this time will actually hardwire in their brain. So if these young people during these times. If they're just sitting on the couch playing video games which they love to do.

Those are going to be the things that will be hardwired for us as parents we need to guide these years and we need to understand that as their brains are pruning.

It's really there's a lot of starts and stops and in their own emotions and there's confusion in East always say in teaching talks to adolescents is always the raging testosterone and the hormone changes.

All these things are true, but through recent research, we know that actions all coming from what's happening in the brain. The brain is regulating all of this and so as the brain is specializing. We as parents can understand some of the stuff that we see that is crazy that up and down a motion in all these different things that we outlined in the book there's reasons for why they're acting the way they are and that's why it. We took this title because teenage the teenagers seem crazy and we want to say what we want to take some of the mystery out of it. We want to say had not as crazy as you think they are. There's actually things happening to them. And if you know then you can have greater compassion and greater understand I would. There's also another title for your book running through my mind, which is embrace the craziness as a parent is apparent that I love about it because God is designed this. You mention lasted about 30 times the amount of testosterone flowing through teenage boys body and brain and what it's doing to increase the size of the amygdala, which is the courage center.

You know, the exploration area. The testing of things. That's what they're going to do because their brain chemistry is driving in that direction they want to crazy things you've seen skateboarders what they do and you're going why would a kid ever do that. It's that could harm you.

That's the reason cracked into their hypothalamus and their amygdala are enlarged which lies in boys, and it helps them mediate, fear and danger. And since it's in large during these years, there is an aggressiveness. There's an assertiveness there is that shorter attention span squirrel I hear you do grind. Now you paying attention was so and and also like this enhanced sex drive. That's what's happening because the increased testosterone level in young men. I didn't understand when I was a kid. Why when I got thrown out at the church baseball game. It was a picnic church.

I was raging mad. I was kicking bases and throwing stop and in my senior pastor Dr. Phil Howard he's he's a Jeremy I knew God work in you because you are the hottest headed little punk at ever met and God did something amazing and you what I didn't understand why.

As a young man I reached up and punched my windshield as a because I was frustrated over relationship in it. I watched spiderweb crack in front of me. I thought immediate negative pain replace it will all make sense that I had all of this extra testosterone.

I didn't know what to do with it. I know I was aggressive and in angry all the time and fighting with my parents all the time. This gives me great compassion when I'm interacting with young men, knowing that this is happening. This is something that is a reality in them that they just we can't wish a way well here's the point that is so important, I think you start as a parent to see your child as a misfit rather than the normal trajectory and this is what they're going to and you know sometimes helps engage and how do we as Christian parents, particularly because we have such a standard of restraint right is a godly character say which it is, but how do you step in there and begin to help your teenager boy or girl we we need to cover more than Earl's attributes in a moment.

But how do you as a father and a mother. It's okay.

We got sure we understand what's going on and hang out you have to adjust your expectations.

So if my expectation is that they are going to be well behaved, well mannered, just considered attention in the pew always want to pray right like we see some families that way. How can Mark is not like that will because our kids are like us so we can adjust our expectations. If I have the expectation that they're gonna act a certain way and their costly not acting that way and through research. I understand and come to learn that this is going to be normative that there can a cost to be challenging boundaries and questioning my rules and asking why where I often feel challenged and disrespected, and if I adjust my expectations, so you will not be disrespected here.

I don't think at the core of this on being disrespected. I'm going to allow them by adjusting my net my own expectations to enter into the journey without well last time we left off with something you both said which was don't make an idol out of disrespect correct in my first blush of that was what wait a minute to manage this explain a little further with greater detail what that means when a parent makes an idol out of disrespect and will because I just did things that we make ultimate things and respect is a good thing. It's something that God encourages children to get their parents commands them to can, but when we make respect the alternate thing in our relationship with our kids, then it's become its displaced God in our life.

It's become the thing that we seek about. I'll ask MCAT seek respect and above all else is also an idol out of respect that and I think that you know I'm so glad Jamie that you brought up that whole aspect and of what you're just talking, not because were not trying to excuse behavior by biology. We are actually never trying to say oh you should just ignore all this.

Now just understand them and get over it were actually in each chapter, we give specific try it today. Principles for how you can adjust to those expectations, how you can navigate these things specifically because if you're like me, parents out that sometimes you just a little helpless like what I try next. Because I am the whole. I count to 10 thing I've done this and so I really wanted to make sure you and Jeremy want to make sure that the moms out there that… Happenings they could literally put into practice within these 24 hour let's push on the disrespect. One day when a parent encounters just hypothetically because it would never happen in our home by John Soucy but you know when that team has a flareup of disrespected and they say something occurred to her demeaning way. What should a parent do not to take the bait right right but we again I we mentioned this but we like saying he use your adult brain. We're the mature ones are prefrontal cortex is are our fully myelinated we can think we can have in a wise judgment and discernment in in if I know that my adolescent is going through this changing time and and these emotions are up and down for them and their one minute they're nice and docile and the next minute they're screaming and challenge me and talking back to me what it's up to me to bring calm into the situation is up to me to be the adult.

It's up to me to be the parent and model appropriate behavior. If am always taken the bait and running into the argument. So this is something that we like to say to each other.

Rise above rise above this this is a trigger, don't enter into the teenage drama right I don't want to be a teenager I don't I would live through those years.

I do want to go back to those years but so often I find myself walking away from an argument that I took the bait. I ran into it and I walked away thinking that I do that why don't I yell. Why did I why do we equate this thing and this is a humorous way. Look at it that if were having the struggle with our teenager that somehow I think moms are this quicker than dads that disrespectful teenager is on his way to being a car thief. Yeah, you know that my ladybug and you know what he could turn out to be actually a psychological principle and you're absolutely right. When asked to revise the patients' a stand and winning tend to settle with this more.

It's absolutely true that you take a thread and run with it. Another very specific thing that you can do when you encountered with those disrespectful comments is that you can say what you want to say in as few words as possible.

As a rule, yet still needs brains respond best to shorter, more frequent conversations don't get into a bag like explanation of lecture then send that right lecture even if you're just trying to you really trying to explain, you're not trying to lecture their pain can't take it in use as few words as possible and make those words count as our great rule of thumb, you know, for instance, if you have a teenager that says matter what you even care instead of going on and on about why you care to just say if you would like to understand more and more than happy to give you some recent, the reality is they don't usually want those things but you've offered an invitation to greater relationship so it's you. The question every time you can instead of a statement. Try to ask a question you know I'm actually really interested. Why do you think I care so much as I do.

How do you perceive me. I like inviting them to relationship allies. I'm thinking at whatever and walk away that lead last with the whatever is not so bad. Now obviously, if they are cursing at you if they are completely undermining your authority disrespect, but those things need to be a trust. That's why we never say biology does not excuse bad behavior, but the way that we do those things is very different when we operate on misunderstanding listening to Focus on the Family today our dresser. Dr. Jeremy Clark and Jerusha Clark in their book, your teenager is not crazy. Understanding your teens brain can make you a better parent. I want to turn the corner because we left off last time, teasing folks we talk about the peer pressure issue and you know when you're in the can. I don't mean to keep coming back to Christian homes, but we can have a very high standard in this regard about how you speak to parents and those are all good things but when we make him an idol is you guys have described some of those kids will feel so unable to attain it, that they start seeking relationship outside the home to find affirmation and I'm sure a lot of Christian parents are in that spot right now where their teenagers are now wanting to be with her friends more than they want to be at home, hang out some of that's can be natural, but when it's unhealthy and their funding that they love being with her friends because the expectations are low or the now getting into behavior that is risky to the premarital sex could be drinking, drug abuse, whatever might be that my friends don't condemn me for stepping beyond the boundaries. All I get is a hassle from your mom and dad speak to that environment were now it's becoming serious and some of it is apparent if were honest, it's our fault to and we have to push them out the door times will we have. I think the tendency and this is where parents often don't grow as their children grow when they're young. We have to set good boundaries, because if we don't do run out to the streaky hit by car to put their hand on the stove. We have to box them in where we get uncomfortable is putting the walls of the box down as senior pastor I work with Dennis Keating he likes a safe. By the time teenager is 17.

All four walls of the box should be down based on the teen. Of course, based on your own experience of their maturity that's preparing them for adult correct and we are so uncomfortable his parents to put the walls down to let the walls down to give more more freedom. You know what they could do with that freedom.

Here is what it's true that's what residents are thinking but also how do they adjust that hearing a little bit about the biology will kind of help parents because social brain is developing during this time, and as Jamie mentioned before, the brain develops and evenly. It's in fits and starts, and so the social brain continues to grow during this adolescent. But one of the primary things that social brain does. During this period in my social brain. We just mean the brain structures that are involved. It's not actually part of the brain. It's kind of the over all these different brain structures. One of the things that is happening in that part of that, those parts of the brain is pushed towards peers God's way God designed it this way so that our kids would leave the nest. If we squashed that entirely were doing ourselves a disservice. I truly believe that this is one of the reasons that are children are adult children, emerging adults are not leaving as early as 11 rivers were describable because were trying to squelch this maturation of the social brain where afraid one of the things that we address in the book I the spheres of letting go of control. That control is an illusion.

Only God is in control. Any control that we thought we had.

His parents is blown out of the water when they become teenagers, we realize how little control we actually have bedding response to that recognition. A lot of us try to clamp down rather than fix her anger all right rather than just render it to the only one that can handle it. I mean I left. First Timothy 615 says that God is the blessed and only controller. He's the only one that can do this and do it well. I am not a good controller and, like a Nazi when I'm trying to control things and so I have to surrender that control, intuitive, scary, scary, but it's also what they need because time with peers and with so great that we don't have to give them a tenant unsupervised time with peers.

That's when the trouble really starts. We looked at a lot of research on this and it's the time when you get a bunch of an myelinated prefrontal cortex is meaning when they all get together once one crazy stuff happened so hard to use leader with them, even someone that's 25 will still have a more fully developed brain and have parents, coaches and kids soccer coach may be a great surrogate prefrontal cortex for them like a safety net, you have adult brain surrounding your kids so that when they branch out with that social brain.

They're not falling into the body that is so well set.

I love this stuff so much because you guys are hitting that. Let's continue that thought into faith and faith development. Because as you let the walls fall down.

You're hoping that's what emerges.

This child who is committed to the Lord, who can follow age appropriately as best as he or she can at that age they go off to college the statistics right now are very dismaying to parents when they go off to Christian school or secular school. About 70% of kids will fall away from the faith. The good news is about half of them will come back to the Lord at about age 30, I'm sure, although I don't know the research is been done beyond age 30 more will come back to the Lord over the next several decades before they pass away. That's a good thing reinforces the Bible where it says you know, my word will not return void and teach them the ways of the Lord and and when they are old they will not. In essence, forget that. How do we set the best environment spiritually to let them thrive and let them make mistakes and allow the Holy Spirit to do his job. I like this but teens learn best through example they need examples they need and it starts with us and we humble ourselves in and what matters most is that we model not just talk about of faith, but live the faith of faith that they see is true within us.

We like to say teens have a real strong hypocrite meter for everyone except for themselves. Granted, but they can spot the hypocrisy they see it. What they need. They need mentors. They need models they need parents that will humble themselves so you know I was wrong the other day and to the listeners.

Other were writing this I mean we had a tough few days and we are just continuing to pray like crazy. We go on walks on a regular basis and we just pray to God. If you can't help us.

No one can but work and rely on you because we know we can entrust our kids to you into your hand which you help them develop as a young lady that you want them to develop into what we want to provide that example we want to humble ourselves. We want kids to read the Bible and they should see us reading the Bible want them to memorize the Scriptures and are we memorizing scriptures. It is a church, a priority and so long I think the church I'm very passionate about working with youth, but it's because that's when my faith really took off and is also a time where I was really uncertain and I was testing the waters and I got into some trouble funny or aggressive like you described for breaking away completely. The people that walk away from correct that's key I had mentors and and my parents who raised me on the Bible in the church and also on Focus on the Family today. This is a coming home for me to be here because my parents had us listen to tapes in the mean they just they were costly, trying to grow and they were our examples I come home from school and my mom is reading the Bible. My dad was serving in junior high ministry and I would want some of the suckers that he was taking this you can have them because there for the students on leading they were my models. When I was going wayward mama so you know why things are going well for you Jeremy, you're not living right. They were setting the tone in the example they kept bringing it up, but they were pushy and yet I had my youth pastor Ted Montoya tapped me on the shoulder.

God keeps bringing you to mind how are you living right now he come help me in the youth ministry.

I think churches today need to send their very best of their best leaders to go mentor youth to greater go you have important roles. No more important than mentoring the next generation find the very best leaders and send them in to be models for junior high and high school students, let me say it this way, and I'd love your action when you look at that stat of 70% of young people and they leave the home there. Walking away from the faith in a very secularized university environment. Whatever might be we have to look at the situation say why what are they not finding Scripture that's keeping them close to God.

That's a bold question but it's one we have to ask interesting. It's obviously not that God is lacking or something wanting in his word.

I think one of the challenges is that we have to look inside and asked did we make kids to have doubts did we make space for them to develop their own thoughts about really their own relationship with God because often times were so focused on behavior that we forget that it's a relationship with God.

We don't just want them to have no okay now go read your Bible for 10 minutes and then it becomes just something to check off the list. How do we help them had as well as these kind of behaviors that are good and important.

How do we help them have that relationship and unfortunately a lot of parents are scared to enter conversations about doubt and maybe it's about sexuality and gender you've never had really had a robust conversation with your kids about these kind of things they go away in August. I may hear things and they think that in the world, so never too early never too late keno start where you are right where you are seeking happiness discussions.

Bring up your own faith as an entry point I was reading the Scripture. That's what you think.

This again has been an incredible day of discussions. I have so enjoyed it. I want to continue the discussion in our web area ask you a few more questions.

So for the listeners. If you want to hear more once come to the website will direct their job and you can go to the landing page and will ask a few more questions and parenting teenagers and trying to get through that. I am really encouraged. I think you are on to something. Both of you in terms of the research and what it shows us what God is built into us as teenagers are developing, you got it and that help parents better understand what's happening physiologically with our kids as well as spiritually and in your book. Your teenager is not crazy. I like my revision to the way because were limited. All of us are limited at this table. I'm sure many of you listening are living this right now and it's not working, perhaps very well. Let's try something different.

This is why focus is here to give you a tool that can hopefully bring that shalom the Lord's peace in your home and that definitely starts with looking at your own you know your own weaknesses as a parent and I am pointing the mirror Rebecca Jane and me as we have those challenges as well. So let's grow together and get a copy of this book that John was make this available for gift of any amount of support the ministry so we can help those who need it and if you're in a good place man all the more reason to step into this gap and stand with Focus on the Family to help those maybe even some of your neighbors are listening right now. Be there for them do ministry through focus.

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We really enjoyed our conversation, Jeremy and Jerusha Clark on today's episode of Focus on the Family and as Jim said, you can donate and get the book from us and help families in a variety of circumstances. Your support allows us to provide hope for real families who needed in the title of the book is your teenager is not crazy and also mentioned another great resource that we have.

Specifically, 14 girls Focus on the Family's Brio magazine equips teen girls to better understand the world around them with a biblical perspective really helps you engage in conversation with you. Contact us to subscribe to Brio magazine for delay by the Clark's details are in the episode notes or call 800 K on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team here.

Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family next time you hear from Mark and Jill Savage sure about rebuilding trust in their marriage after infidelity. That's next time help your family thrive in Christ parent are you looking for an informative and encouraging and engaging resource for your teen daughter. Check out the new and improved Brio magazine is on the family double the original size look like format trusted biblically based magazine provides teen girls with inspiring stories and advice. Cultural insight and positive role model teen girl lived out.

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