Fighting for Joy as a Special Needs Parent

Kinsman's a lot of time away from home working on the pipeline in Alaska, but our podcast has become his wife lying on the family help my marriage by leaps and bounds so much to think about people's ground. The ground I Jim Daly together we can bring real hope to marriages like kids gift today@focusonthefamily.com/real families.

Let me ask you to take a second to think about any unanswered prayer that you have when you ask God for what seems to be a really difficult, impossible situation you're waiting for his answer. Staying with him honey believe he's truly good even though he seems silent when you take a deep dive into answering that question today, especially when it comes to Mrs. Focus on the Family your hostess focus residency and Arthur Jim Daly and I'm John Fuller, John, etc. if you want to improve your prayer life have children yet so many directions, and today were going to talk about that challenge from time to time how it doesn't go the way we wanted to go. We pray to God.

We don't seemingly see the answers. According to our agenda and yet you know we've got to go through the struggle in his battle with the Lord to say what's going on and are you really there and I think people today are to be blessed by our guess I would agree Jim and as you know, in many of our audience members might know we have a special needs son and he's presented a lot of prayer opportunities if you will. And there's been a lot of progress, but there also have been a lot of difficult moments and we've been praying for healing for long long time. And from what I understand from the book I'm really looking forward to this conversation, especially in light of this month. April being autism awareness month and her guest is Jason Haig. He and his wife Sarah have five children ages 8 to 18 and you're going to be hearing quite a bit today about one of those children in particular their 14-year-old son named Jack who has autism and Jason is an associate pastor and author's book is called aching joy following God through the land of unanswered prayer. And of course we've got the book right here to help you. Just give us a call and will send a copy to you. 800 a family or click the link in the episode notes Jason, welcome to Focus on the Family, thank you so much :-( that was quite a set up your gonna deliver though, through experience, I know you know about pain firsthand.

In this regard, asking for a miracle and feeling like God's answer is either now or I can't hear you feel like it's hard it's hard you know I I grew up not having experienced in crisis.

Really, you know, my parents were in full-time ministry I was last on all sides and I had a couple of daughters. They were healthy things were going great and and I had all these aspirations for my son when he was born I had all these visions of what our relationship was to be like on for the first couple years, it looked like it was going be like that and then he regressed. He lost his vocabulary. He lost his his ability to to really communicate with us and connect with us you know Jason, I want to slow that down a little bit because that's emotional yeah I mean for people to hear that and to come for my family that was really stable. You guys went to church grown-up.

It sounds like you knew there was or maybe assume there's kind of a formula here.

I mean you live all the formulaic approaches you pray together you go to church together you know, kind of don't do the things you shouldn't do in school. It sounds like you're that kinda kid absolutely and and here's the big question this.

If then statement if Lord I do all these things well and I honor you then you bless me yeah and that means you don't give me any ripples in life and everything goes easy and I'll be really happy but it's not that way now. I grew up singing at. I am inside outside upside down side happy all the time. You know, and that's one of the things you say can send a screen on so I think it was a spoken expectation, but it was the sort of expectation that you have. If I follow the Lord. Things are going to be easy and it's just proven. That's not true. And so here you are a father of two healthy daughters are moving along.

Your son is born. Jack is born and he gets the diagnosis I would assume that an early age. It was moderate autism. Then he digressed became more severe. You had a night. I think you and Sarah probably together were you just three hands up and decided not pray for a miracle anymore talk about that evening. That night when you got to that point there was there was a church conference and we were we were there with a bunch of our church staff and there was a man who invited all of those who you know parents of special needs children to come forward and I didn't want to come forward because this in a few years gone by. I had prayed and prayed for you know it initially for a miracle. Initially for this grand breakthrough in as I wasn't seeing that I sorta lowered my my level of of expectation and so I didn't want to go forward on like I'm good everything's fine. You know and and when I went forward, the man who prayed for me. He just he just said Lord bring breakthrough. And when he said that word I just fell apart because I realized you not got unfinished business with God here. I'm still holding onto to disappointment.

I'm still holding onto these dreams that I desperately I connect with my son and and I realize man I've I've got more work to do in my own heart and in getting honest with God for those it maybe don't have much insight into autism.

Why don't you describe that for the listeners. What is autism what is Jack's situation.

John you can pitch in there because Zane also has autism will there's it is a common saying that if you if you meet one child with autism, you've met one child with autism. So there's that. It really is a spectrum, a children with autism deal with sensory issues and not sensory overload, and then it leads to two in a various socially sometimes can be very disconnected. Communication can be can be difficult. So, I'm not an expert on autism, but what it looks like and Jack is that he's 14 years old and he's he's nonverbal.

He has a handful of phrases that he uses he deals with very high anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorder, as well as seizures so that that concoction of of difficulty that that makes life really difficult for for him and he goes through a lot. He really has to fight tooth and nail. I think to be understood and and to to thrive.

You really have to dial in to be a student of your child is there on the specter because it is so difficult. There's not a manual that says XYZ is no formula back to your point, Jim and so you you you much in connection you went down for prayer. Obviously some of that was manifesting itself and you were not able to talk with her communicate well right here Jack very well. Is that right that's absolutely right.

I think over time you initially your cry. I was crying out for the big miracle you know like suddenly were just can have this long deep conversation and be able to talk about Star Wars in theology and all these things and I as I stop, sort of. I backed away from that little more and then started praying for connection Lord. Just let us be able to connect, let him understand us but him get our relationship, our thing and yeah that's that that became that the focus of my prayer you know in so many ways. Being a father and again for those just coming in. You have two daughters, your son is born. There is a special connection there between a father and son typically and you end up developing casino high aspirations. If you played sports, you probably like I did. I thought both my boys would be football players.

I mean Trent is like 662 10 would've been a great whatever but he just didn't have the desire to do it so I have those what I guess you might call normal father expectations, you know, we put them in pop Warner did all that and finally came to me after ninth grade said, I don't really like playing football and I had that you know pull that back and say okay what he enjoyed doing a member the first time I got a phone call he won an award and I was like awesome. What was it in elementary school. It was the chess club and him one. You know, that's great, but it was different from my experiences parlay that into your situation with Jack again those goals and those ideals and then how you did have to ratchet down obviously headed. You manage all that disappointment in the new expectations yeah that was a long process I'm in, I realized I had to to just to give them up sort to let them go, not not to destroy them. But I feel like you in my book I talk about our expectations are like propaganda films running in her head, and we you know where they come from. I don't know culture dreams. I don't know but we we can assume we doing about them there there running there and then when something goes amiss. You know, life takes a different turn. It's a matter of okay have to completely recalibrate because none of that is happening. So now what you like to that was a long process let's move to though, were Jack's diagnosis went from moderate to severe. In yet other things going on in your life.

I'm not sure were your wife Sarah was at that moment, but you begin to fall into depression yeah yeah I don't know well you know I had Jack's diagnosis and in might my other son Sam was born with a heart defect that required a part surgery as as a young baby and is he doing okay. He's doing great okay yeah he's telling create but at the time, we weren't sure what was going to happen right now. And then we also had a dear, dear friend and ministry partner that was diagnosed with breast cancer at the time we just knew this time to make it think they knew they couldn't treat it so it why I basically went from having this really privileged you know growing up of Christian parents every thing great no crisis to three prices at once, so that you know that trifecta really knocked me off my feet for a while and I grew distant and numb and not knowing how to relate with the Lord and not knowing how to relate with my with my son and with my other kids like it. I just became really distant. In that time it was. It took a long time.

Lots of conversations with my senior pastor of just sort of trying out the sadness in helping me to acknowledge what was there to not jump to the right answer, but to acknowledge where I was right then to deal with those things one at a time in our guest today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly is Jason Haig he's written. This terrific book, aching joy following God through the land of unanswered prayer.

Certainly we would encourage you to get a copy from us here at Focus on the Family. Call us if we can be of any help to you. If you're struggling in your relationship with God if if what Jason has shared about being honest with God about your disappointments and hurts is something that you just really wrestling with. Let us help. Her number is 800 the letter a in the word family. You can get the book online is well. We got the link in the episode notes Jason, you mention this again but I really want to explore this for the benefit of the listener. There was a night when you finally kinda said, let God have it describe that because again it's very therapeutic for those that are going through a variety of issues there upset with the Lord there holding back, and I think it's disrespectful what happened for you that day were you cut loose. II went to a beach that there was never anybody at and so I decided all right. I'm on the go.

I'm just gonna tell you everything that I think and that I feel so I just marched up and down the beach and said this is I'm upset with you for this and this and this and yeah and I yelled and it was ugly and and I use nice words. I would just like Lord.

Here's what I have and saw and just sort of gave it to him and like I said it was no lightning struck. That's the first thing I'm still here and sat but one of the things I said to him, that moment was like we followed you, Lord like we have followed you like what in the world. We've done what you've asked us to do and yet here we are anti-I really think sometimes we have something against God, and even if it's not, even if it's not true or or or right. I think he desires that we that we at least tell him what here he sees it right and I think he's waiting for us to tell him just would you just be honest about this thing just give it to me. I'm a really big God.

I've seen a lot harder cases in you. So let's just talk about it and I think that was the first step to let's talk about it and it sort of set the tone for me of being honest with God regularly and saying okay I'm not doing well today I'm a little bit upset with you because I thought that things were going better here etc. and and so that's been what I've tried to practice. Since that yeah night. You know, is deeply appreciated so much because I think there are Christian leaders that try to project just a positivity almost like they're fearful to go here but this is real.

This is where it's at. This is where people are aching, it's nice to be aspirational. The people need help, down there in the well when there's not a ladder you know they need some perspective in their relationship with God. To say how do I find a way out and you know in some ways, embracing your circumstances and then trusting God is really critical. There's a I thought a really good moment that I think your family calls at the Penguin incident. This will bring a smile to people's faces. So let's let's get a little dose of happiness or like I say I had I had shifted the way prayed from me miracle to let Jack understand our relationship, let them understand that what I'm taking them to school and holding his hand like it's because I love them, you know that when running around tickling him like he let let him understand that he's loved by me tonight. I just I didn't know if he did, but one day my wife and had called me at work and said she she said you've got to come home.

Jack got this book from the school library and he's uke he's doing this thing you gotta come so I come home from work and here's my son lying on it. You know he's totally these nonverbal no conceptual language ever. He's lying us to bed with his legs crossed and he's got this little guy like a book for two and three euros board book.

He was seven at the time and has these two big wins on it and he's laughing and laughing and she says come here and I come over say but what you looking at is this book and ended it that the picture has a big Penguin a little Penguin and their holding fins and it says I like it when you hold my hand and Jack points at the little Penguin in the big one and says Jack and daddy and then he flips the page and it's two penguins in the bathtub are developing over the big one given of when a bath and this is I like we splash about aces.

Jack and daddy, and he is laughing and page after page. It's it's it's our life that he's seeing that it's connection right and it was like he was telling me that I totally get this I get us. I understand our relationship, he thinks it's hilarious. He's got this metaphor I am crying my eyes out here and I think that moment changed everything for me. It changed everything and and I've known since then. He really does understand our relationship and he appreciates why love would with God did there. How did that moment give you so much hope a minute because that was what you were praying for Jason to me you were praying that he would just laugh at Penguin book because he gets it. What was the deeper thing. There well I guess I had already always been fixating on the big miracle the big splash the Red Sea, opening up right and I was missing the things that God was doing on a daily basis and my wife would see these things are like sheep.

She could see the little you know progressions in the little victories God was giving I was missing them in that moment I felt like God was opening my eyes saying, look what I'm doing.

Like behold your son and and behold the things I'm doing and your son and and I think we desperately have to stop fixating on the big miracle sometimes and God saying, look at the things and actually doing the little things along the way you're walking through the valley but I'm giving you treasures in the Valley and open your eyes to see them there it is, twin track of prayer, at least in my experience where I am praying that big miracle prayer I don't stop praying. But there's a kind of a parallel track word to your point. Help me see the little things that you're doing because I know you're working. But that is really hard to jump from track to track and to keep them going at same time, I thought I can't stay in the place of like intense travail for a light lease in the situation there times where you can with Jack's. I can't wait to start fixating on the things that he's not or you know where he's not you, rather than where he's actually at embracing ways actually act and II think it's good to be able to oscillate or to take times to step back and just work with God in this moment Jason alluded to this in the set up. But how do you reconcile than what you think about in heaven. I mean none of us will be here forever. Jack concluded and so how does that give you either peace or uncertainty. One thing that gives me an immense amount hope is that Jesus was so clear that the last will be first in heaven and who you know I think of Jack and Pete and kids like him who have so often been last in our society. They've been cast off the been pushed back. I think there can be celebrated as rock stars in heaven. I think they are going to be just highly honored sitting at the head of the table and when I think of Jack in heaven is the only time I was writing my book.

I just cried my eyes out as I was imagining this of him sitting at the head of the table, not not held back by anything that he wants to be able to express in us not being held back either from be able to understand him. Like all of those. All of those barriers being removed and to see all the things that have been on his heart for all of these years. I can't wait to see that Jason you write about in your book how this has deepened your faith that when this first started you thought kind of faith was you're in a good spot that your faith was strong. That's how you described it. Growing up in a Christian home.

All that but the irony is this unveiled some things for your were you realize your week and that is powerful. Describe what we know when you haven't been tested, I mean everybody looks good in practice, right. Like every football team when they run her mouth and there's no defense like what Paul right and so that that was merely and when I had when I had to face this I came you know you're right. I was weak and III was afraid actually that I would completely fall apart and God's been so faithful to not let me completely fall apart, but to be broken enough to recognize my desperate need for him and to recognize my desperate need for the church and for people to surround me and be able to lean on them when I was weak and and to be able to really sense the presence of the Lord in the darkness in those hard Valley seasons to walk with them much closer. It has absolutely enrich my faith in ways I never imagined how did you and Sarah do. Through all this I mean that can really destroy your marriage. So many marriages end up falling apart after these kinds of of diagnosis, especially the ones that are more severely Jack's you know the Lord's grace was present. We were very we were kind of the clutch a couple of the.

The dad gets very distant and depressed and the mom becomes the bulldog going after every therapy and in all of these things and just buckles down she becomes mama bear. She becomes mama bear yeah yeah and wondering where his dad and why isn't data engaged and so that was asked for a long time.

It was difficult. She had lots and lots of patience for me and sat and you know to be totally honest. I mean sometimes when you know when Jack is going through another regression.

Other hard time. It's still a temptation to go back there and I still feel that that old tug of despair.

You know, sort of who I'm becoming distant and becoming disconnected and I need to be jolted back and you know for herded to. She's even said this of you can't go back there.

You cannot go back there. I need you and the family mean she's a good woman. She's very good. Hey on the what I would describe more as the happier side of life with Jack.

He loves movies. Yes, I think you and your family. You did something describe the scene. Were you created the scene of one of his favorite movies. What was, well, I Jackie. He out he loves watching movies only by the predict ability of his kids on the spectrum.

You know, with all the stimuli in the craziness of the world. It can can sort of you know, offset them you and get them off balance and so movies especially once he seen a million times are very comforting. There some predictability. So our family since the very early days has memorized.

You know, big movie scenes.

Hold you know big dialogue and sort of you know, play them like like rent a little play and he just sits and watches and just get this big, you know, megawatt smile. Watching this all take just a month ago. My kids all five of them were in the kitchen cleaning up. It was a glory that, in itself, but he was in the middle of it.

They put on. Is it from the movie ratatouille and there are all talking and French accents going special auto special are in the middle of it all just beaming there connecting their saying Jack we see we know you love this here. You can't. You might not be able to come into our world, but we can come in yours and this is been a thing they've done for you. In fact, we have a clip.

I think of your family and we want to play that you want to set that up for this is my 11-year-old son Sam who is a theater kid and I think this is him doing a scene from The Incredibles just just to make Jack laugh so Jack love Sam and Nathan actually might know he loves that he sets and is just laughing like all you guys. I know the scene. I love the scene when it's so cool to draw your other children into Jack's world like that. I mean emotionally how do they manage it. I mean, do they talk with you and Sarah sure and it can be hard. It can definitely be hard for them.

We had to to understand like sometimes. So much of our energy goes into him into making sure he's okay and I don't like to rock the boat so there's deftly some intentionality.

We have to have with them saying we see where you are but you know what they've also been so amazing at recognizing a this affects me to and he's my brother and I love him and they have become some of his biggest advocates and unconvincing and change the world. When you think of those character lessons that their learning it is inspiring it is that they have that empathy there connecting their doing things for their brother. That's awesome. This may be tough but I want to end with the poem, at least a stanza of the poem that you wrote about your situation with your son, Jack, can I ask you to read that stands yeah yes is from home called a reflection of aching joy. You are not a disorder. My son, not a blue puzzle piece on the clinical spectrum, but neither are you normal your peace of God's own daydreams, a reflection of aching joy. Now you're not normal you are beloved. That's powerful that can apply that now I got the tears with that can apply to any situation right, not just for those autistic kids that are struggling now it's for all of us. Jason that is powerful.

Thank you for being with us today. Thank you both. It's really good. Listen, if you're teary-eyed as well. I mean, you probably should get a copy of Jason's book, aching joy, because again, even if you don't have an autistic child you're going to have some issue in your life where you feel like God is not showing up, and that's an ache in your heart and the this will really help you in your journey yeah and I hope you been encouraged to be honest with God.

He can take it. He wants to hear your heart and I hear it.

Focus of counseling services available for you and a lot of other resources to help you work every year at and as Jim mentioned, we, of course, to have Jason's book aching joy following God through the land of unanswered prayer whenever you need. Give us a call. Our numbers 800 the letter a in the word family or click the link in the episode show notes and let me just say to those of you who donate and pray for this ministry you're making broadcasts like this one possible and that we recently heard a great comment from a man who said Focus on the Family's radio program is the reason I am saved today used to listen while I drove a truck for 67 hours a week. I couldn't go to church or anything. It was your programs that led me to Christ and in the past 12 months I think was three and 5000 people have dedicated or re-dedicated their lives to Christ and that's why we do this. Maybe you'd be willing to join our support team today and make that kind ministry possible.

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His last estimate the dumbest decisions lock the loudest and he loves your time when you do on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team.

Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back.

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