Finding Hope and Joy While Single Parenting

Good parents aren't perfect and that's okay but there are ways you can grow every day. Focus on the Family seven traits of effective parenting assessment gives parents an honest look at their unique strings plus some areas that could use a little help every mom and dad can help raise the next generation of healthy mature and responsible children in this assessment will help get you started. Take the assessment of focusonthefamily.com/7 traits that's focusonthefamily.com/7 trade collies to speculate exhausted. This week is part of that being a single parent is having to me the PhD to be the cheerleader having to be the coach never really having any support you.

What is a bit challenging is having a social life money for extra stress. I you know single parents have a lot to do their unique brand of heroes today on Focus on the Family. We want to encourage you if you're alone and give you ideas for helping single parents in your life, your hostess focus Pres. and Dr. Jim Daly and I'm John Fuller, John. As Christians we know that God is always with us, but the enemy loves to try to convince us that we are completely alone and that is his goal. I specially think that's one of Satan's biggest tactics against single parents that he knows that if you can convince the single batter single mom that no one sees them or cares about them. Then he can keep that single parent, discouraged and depressed pretty constantly. If that describes how you're feeling today I want to remind you of what God says in Isaiah 4110. Fear not for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you, I will help you I will uphold you with my righteous right hand man that it powerful, not just for single parents for all of us for all of us today. We want to specifically talk to you single moms and single dads and give you some encouragement and advice for that journey here on into remind you that you can do this because God is with you and we have Linda Ranson Jacobs in the studio with us to do that she and I has raised her two kids as a single mom and she is the founder of the divorce care for kids program.

She's an author and has written a book called the single parent, competent and successful and we have copies of that here. Click the link in the episode mounts to get yours.

This is your first time. You're welcome to Focus on the Family think you became a single parent. Very suddenly, unexpectedly, describe how those events played out for you what what brought that about and to this day I still really don't know what right about that and we were working at church NS and raising our children had what I thought was a happy family and one day he walked in in the summer you guys take you to dinner tonight still excited because we know he's traveled all the time set went to dinner and he said I wanted a horse and don't start crying in the restaurant like I was just for just so out of left field. I just I didn't have a clue.

I guess he traveled a lot, say yeah it was after that it was a long process because he kept changing his mind and meeting back and my neck like a pastor for counseling for over a year and finally one day with tears streaming down his face. He said I can help marriages that need a Band-Aid that your marriage needs more than that there how old are your kids and swear him seven and 11 at the time, 711 so that just I think paints the picture for the mom, single moms and single desert listening about where you're at and then there was an Easter Sunday service.

I think that really kinda woke you up after your divorce what happened and what did you feel like God was telling you when we pulled up into the parking.this is the first Easter after the divorce had gone Teresa.

This is a for sure thing that was now the single mom. That's one of the things all the firsts. After that right the first Christmas after finally falls apart.

The first Easter you say and I had been thinking and raising my kids in a broken home and say we pulled the parking lot and one of our friends had a tripod set up and you guys and Brian bring your mom and sister. Let's get a family picture and my daughter scream family and she does running into the church and I was just speechless.

And then my son just got to said very lethal said I guess you didn't know Mike had moved out we don't have the family anymore and he goes locking the church the other direction and hit me wow my kids just verbalized what I've been thinking oh my goodness. And so got got a hold of me. He really spoke to me during the sermon and I got home and I said kids. You said something that it's not true that we don't have a family and when I sit.

We had a family and my sense that mom look around in case you haven't noticed, there's no data in home and got just gave me the words Holy Spirit, just like they me and I said I know there's no Dan but you know what God can be the father and God can be my husband and he's good to be the father and around my sense that while that's great mom that I need somebody with skin on the touch. He was just such a look at seven yet. He said how horrible yeah and I got Holy Spirit you bear down that any I said you know what you can talk to God. You can talk to you and you can hear him back. He speaks these songs he speaks to the Bible. He 60s pastors and he speaks to you in your heart and you just talk to God and so going down the years. 10 years later he's a senior in high school and I said bye and what about you running around with I forget the name we called them in the book he had. We changed all the names of your special friend and he said mom 10 years ago when I was in second grade you said talk to God and he would answer me and I went to bed that night and I said God I need a friend I need to mail friend. I went to school the next day and my friend showed up in class that day and I have been friends with him for 10 years and I will not desert him in his time and need while you had to be a problem with. I was so proud. Let me let me hit the topic you touched on it a moment ago, but all the statistics that can be heavy for that single parent mom or the single parent that where you know the children in the single-parent household have more difficulty succeeding. You know they don't graduate high school, the same rate as a two parent family. They don't go to college at the same rate as a two parent family, etc. but those are predictive things I come from a single-parent household. My mom, who was wonderful, even though I only had her two I was nine years old and then I even lived with my dad is a single-parent dad a couple years later after foster care and some other stops, but in that context, those statistics again are predictive but not necessarily accurate, that's like it happened. Everybody just make sure difficulties a little greater in those speed bumps a little bigger but it's not impossible, especially for God.

He is the father to the father was a love that Scripture how did that burden you at first when you heard the statistics and and you felt like your kids were disadvantaged. If I could say it that way. I ran a therapeutic childcare and I left after I went to the divorce.

All the children with nature. This things happens every single parent family that the kids with major problems were from single-parent homes and so my first prayer was so pitiful I got on my knees I said oh God diligently get pregnant and she's 15 and only Brian get new drugs that prayers are not bad, that if I had stayed on that line of praying I don't hear and fear, my children, what fails and so I had to really start studying God's word and finding out how to raise the shot.

I want my children to be successful. I didn't want them to be a statistic, and I knew from my jacket.

I knew all the statistics and you want that for my kids. I love your emphasis on humor that was something my mom had my could see it in you just said ability to get through tough days. I mean world so you ago you really go to go into despair or you laugh and say okay you had a particular issue with baseball bat, which I also loved what was the story with the bat how did you laugh about a baseball bat. My Guinness.

My kids love telling this story I tell my daughter is going right. This back and she because we have to change the names to protect the innocent, and that you are not innocent and's name.

She still downtown.

The bat stories. I do promise Riddell that stretch that I had gone to work early one day it was Father's Day so everything went wrong. You know this is everything I can go all day. I came home and I was so frustrated. Well, we had the kids were doing their homework and I we had an old dryer. That's another thing single-parent everything in the house is old and broken just about says my son had come of the ideal dryer door and he said it was for bat in the door and will jammed the door up and then and so we'd been doing that for months at work. Seth is a clever boy.

He was so weak I came home that day and I had put some stuff in the laundry and I put it in the dryer night jam that back door and it fell out the stuff in the door and I jammed the door and I waited a couple seconds and so I walked trying to walk away in my stepped in the kitchen back to the wise, the end for me. That triggered me. I bat and I start beating here were taken aback and tried to be to steal dryer so I am lamb, lamb, and my kids come running in there as I heard the noise, all in the living room and Julie saw what I was doing and she puts her hands like Willow Brian back at bended and I start laughing. I started laughing and it was just one of those moments it just it broke me that hitting the bat. My daughters comment. The look on their face. It was a funny moment and they just love telling that story. You don't look like a washing machine beater. You know Linda you cursing the parents to ask. I think this is a great point Selena in on this one, you encourage parents, single parents to ask God what instead of asking why what you mean by that. Well, when you ask why you stay in that down moment. Why did he leave me what did I do wrong why why why he's keep yourself. And so what we are in life, single parents, why God why God you know if you knew the answer. It really would make that much difference and still be a single-parent sale. I testing plans to ask what what God what you want me to do.

What do I do when I go from here. When I did you become a better single-parent, so I think we just have to change the verbiage in our mind to want instant why you live that's so powerful for everybody because I think when were in a hole in this life, whatever it might be we do go to the why questions with God. You know why my in the situation. Why does it feel like you've left me, why am I not been blessed the way I think you should bless me and it's really unproductive. Rather than saying just what you want me doing this experience right now what you want me to learn what he wanted to do. I think that is really helpful if you can get to that point in your relationship with the Lord.] It is.

Let's dig into the discipline of behavioral issues of being a single parent as many single parents wonder if there are two stricter drooling yet.

I can see that with Jean and I you know, we balance each other right. I think we complete each other, which is what the Scripture says one of us tends to be a little more lenient. The other one a little more strict and together. I think we get to a good place, which is God's design is the design then then you know in the in the single-parent situation you don't have the person that partner can be the opposite. And how do you manage that if you're the lenient type of parent or fear of the two stricter right and neither one will look at the single-parent family.

I tell people know why we don't think of this more in our world today that replicate Jesus and every discipline situation replicate Jesus you know Jesus didn't scream at his disciples he didn't pout when they didn't do something he wanted them to.

Did he was empathetic. So many times single-parent. They don't have empathy for their child there so frustrated and what they are going through. They forget the empathy for the chat say Jesus was empathetic. He was loving he was tender. He was kind he touched people and he pulled a little child up on his lap. One time my son was fifth grade when it really went down on me.

Oh my gosh, I haven't had that kid and I don't even remember when because he was a growing boy and I was so busy all the time. I had my daughter and my son because he was tags from me and my daughter needed those touches so if it's just I got touching the elbow and then their shoulder that replicate Jesus in your single-parent life.

You can't fail if you replicate Jesus, you mention the step back parenting approach sounds like that it's kind of like the big picture and better understand what is right. But what is step back parenting well and I do workshops on step back, parenting, and that means you stop, you literally take a physical step back that slows your mind down. That helps you to think that the situation it's so easy to start yelling your teachers and you need to step back and think about it. My children learned really fast. When they asked me a question when they tell me something it happened that I was gonna step back and think about a little while as a step back.

Hunting is important.

When I was doing this at a conference and one guy got really, because on my send it last night I'd be stepping back to the next block.

Well, that's a jabbed stepping forward over during our conversation today with Linda Ranson Jacobson and she's got this great book, the single-parent, and we do recommend you pick up a copy for additional help and encouragement as she's offered thus far in our conversation today on Focus on the Family and the link is in the episode notes or call 800 the letter a in the word family Linda pushing on the theme of you know if you have a gut sense you had that situation with your daughter right love for that story because it's so educational about what happened with your daughter. How old was she and what did she do what was your sense and how did you respond she was 15 and we had had the conversation about dating and me to sidetrack a little bit because I think single parents need to know this when you come upon different decisions like dating things, call all your your friends that your child associates with and ask what they are doing. Arabs of those rooms. Yet the parents on site.

Yes, the parents of all your child's friends. I did that and then I wrote everything down and I made a list so later on she said will dismiss again. Now that no no dismiss or not you now know the judges or knights here sitting in very handy different times that that one night I had steady my child I knew my child and she was going to spend the night with her friend that went to our church and they lived down the street from us and so we are all like it was New Year's Eve. Everybody's excited about New Year's Eve and and now I don't know about 5 o'clock. Something didn't feel right about that. You know that instinct say Skinner, Lori's friend, her mom say I called and I talked to Peggy, and I said to Julie. She does with right now is that we might tell me where they are and she said they went all in on a day is like excuse. She said they went on a date dealing with her boyfriend and and they came and got the girls in there.

I said where did they got at the movie theater and broken. Now that's really lead and I went to the movie theater. I called her grandmother and I said can just not just a check sounded maybe better. I went in the Navy if they were watching and I found and I tapped on her shoulder dealing the current moment I'm clicking my finger she can touch because Monica probably best not to say anything to me right now but you need to get your purse and your staff and tell your friends goodbye because you're leaving, Obama said I got I we got in the car and she starts I sent I had to think about this and so I suggest an IQ grandma and she said lot because she didn't like a grandma's cooking. I think the worst is icing on New Year's and I said no, make that no toothbrush, nothing 15 oh daughter say the next morning my son gets up and he goes out she's not happy about us and we went. I did tell him I generally do because is not of his business. This was congealing I would single parents make a big mistake in letting the whole family know what's going on. The distance between Julie and me and not Brian so we just lounged around for a while and about 4 o'clock we went over and got her and I was happy and talked and grandma Ranson and we came home and I mean my life went on. Three days later she came into because mom can you talk to me, please, let's talk. It's killing me that you're not talking.

I said I'm talking to you. You're not talking to me you broke our relationship on your hand because you did what you knew I wouldn't approve I'm fine. My life is gone. She so what's my punishment. I said you've given yourself punishment. I don't have to punish Julie, you did that to yourself and said we went on with life and was just a learning experience, but it is tough to be that disciplinarian. You know, on the other hand, the love your kids and make sure they know that their loved and bounce back and forth doing it all on your own.

And that's a beautiful story and expression of how to do that. Well, let me extend the story little bit in the next year.

Brian was in middle school and he came home one night because I want any less mom you should see had this kids make out in the hallway got really I better not ever hear of you doing that and Julia's yeah I shall come to school, tap you on the shoulder pull you there.

I like You use one child, the teaching that 1701 so you made Linda, your son had a little bit of an embarrassing moment. I think around lunch were he was eating other people's leftovers or something at lunch or nibbling off their trailer a school counselor called you about that. This a great example of boy humility well he was in and asked I was asked to write what what happened throughout the school counselor called and she said this Ranson. This is really a delicate subject and I like him and is what has he done and say she said well you know I know Brian's really skinny and your single mom and she's just he's hungry all the time and so he's not buying his lunch. He's eating feet off the other kids play set up.

Take care that she said you might want to apply for free lunch program and so that nine acolytes of the accounts I sent you need to know something my son has $80 saved in his drawer in his bedroom because he saving all of his lunch money to buy TV so it's not that he can't he just can't afford it. I'll talk to him that eating out at a kids plate said we had that talk tonight my son. Many go ahead and apply for the free lunch. At that time he had to apply for everything and so I did that, but it was so was so embarrassing for me to apply for him to eat other etiquettes, plates, and for me to have to apply for the free lunch program. I was just trying to get everything on my own in Dallas. I do not wish to hard for me and you have to understand at that time. Not everybody got a free lunch at school.

That was very difficult for me. What advice you have for the parent single parent builder reach out and ask for help. Sounds like a bit about me. It's tough. I can imagine that. But the pride issue of the sense of failure, inadequacy that I'm not adequate enough to provide mention of struggles. He just have to think of the welfare of your child and you have to put their welfare above your own and you know we all love our children so much. But when you're a single parent. There's nobody to discuss this with you think we should apply for the free lunch by them or the loan or whatever it is and said you have to put your own issues aside and you just have to do you might talk to a friend or something that you and I pray that any money for you. I appreciate what you just said there Linda was thinking is your speaking, but you really have to stay connected to God and ask him what do you want the situation to be really in tune is a single parent but it's a tough think is you got to carry the load of raising the kids and all the work. How do you find time for the Lord while I get up at 4 o'clock every morning and we lived in Oklahoma and we had it was really cold in the winter time and said I turn my heater down at nighttime, because I just could not afford out the bill said the next way I get up and I turned the heater apps of the woman. The kids got up and I go downstairs and I'll fix me a cup of tea and I would get my Bible and I wrap a blanket and put it on the heater on the floor in the warm air would come up around me and so I drink a couple of drinks of tea and I would start reading my Bible that many mornings.

My kids came downstairs to me Santa slick because that's so tired, and that bothered me for so long that dear friend of mine in California said you know what God me you're making the effort.

And God was wrapping his arms around you and you were sleeping in the arms of the Lord good picture really does work coming in for a landing here Linda but a couple more questions one after children were grown and married her second husband delayed because you didn't want to. I think encumber your kids, I believe, but you did marry her second husband but he passed away. Describe that feeling you must've felt loss on top a loss. I did it just is hard and now I just thought well that's it for my life similar. I just got sent Oklahoman sent a rocking chair this my life God wasn't through with me. God is never through with you.

I don't care how long your single panel caffeine reman you divorce again you remarry and the person dies, God has something in store for you and I didn't know where we are going at the time God not I didn't know that God is take me an incredible journey and I the man I married was Mexican so I got a claim with a whole different culture and we are that family and are still close today. And whenever an issue comes up, they call me and how long were you married I wasn't married less than a year while Esther was living again, you kind of our poster person for grief you know and I know that's not you who's the smile on your face and your optimism and your hope in Christ you know that you agree you grace so deeply and I just I you grief so deeply, you grief in the divorce, the death of your marriage that you grief when someone dies, but when they die. You have the hope that you will see them again in heaven and you know if there Christian they are in heaven, so I knew that Meyer was in heaven and that he was peaceful and he was free of cancer. So it's a different experience is a different grief, it still grief you had experience with a friend Mandy gave you a glimpse of how God can use our pain for good. This is a given what you've just said this is the right place to land share that story with us what happened with me and that she was that a good friend of mine showed a four-year-old and she contracted cancer. She was not a Christian and she came to know Christ did the cancer none of her family. A Christian I had been out of town one day and came back into broken arrow and just I'll stop by her house and when I rang the doorbell.

Her sisters that we've trying to reach you all day and they got she's a talk to you and they left, and she said I want you to plan my funeral with me because I know undying and silly her and I plan her funeral and then when she is in the hospital I went to the hospital all the time to visit with her and I would climb in her bed and sing praise songs to her courses and things and one night I got a call from the hospital and you need to come back up really fast like line. She does you need exceeding these courses to her family have her son upset her blood pressure. I sit single mom and dad all the time. I need a night for my kids make up please please I sit, I will come that you have to get her family out and said they said when you come her blood pressure goes down. She calms down and if this nurse is a Christian or not, that she said the Lord speaks into her life. At that moment. So I went. I stayed really late that night I sang and sang and sang she was in a, she is so common.

I know she heard the words of the Lord. I know she will. And that is a perfect place to remind everybody that there is hope in Christ, and even if you are no feeling the world is against you in so many ways you've experienced so much about you really describe everything in your gradebook single parent, confident and successful and I just would encourage single parents to get a copy from us here.

Focus if you can afford it will get it in your hands. I'm sure other supporters will take care of that expense all trust and have faith that God will do that. But Linda, thank you for being with us. Thank you for putting this down in the book. I thank you for the hard life that you loved so much for my mom story in your story to so I really connect with you in that way. Seems like you manage it well your kids are doing well and that's what counts. My kids are getting the Lord. This let me say that every single parent.

Don't delay what God can do for you and your line stay within you may not know right now that to stay with God you don't know what he has planned for you. Thanks for being with us. Thank you. Some great words of hope from our guest today, Linda Ranson Jacobs and we do encourage you to get a copy of her book the single-parent confident and successful and it might be that you be willing to give a gift of any amount to Focus on the Family today only join our partner team will say thank you question your copy of the book is Jim said if you knew the book but can't afford to give. Contact us anyway. Want to make sure you have this great resource for numbers 880 family or click the link in the episode showed us on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team here. Thanks for joining us for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back.

As we once more help you and your family thrive in Christ