Guiding Your Teen Into Adulthood (Part 2 of 2)

Parents are you looking for an informative and encouraging and engaging resource for your team daughter. Check out the new and improved Frio magazine from Focus on the Family almost double the original size look like format is trusted biblically-based magazine provides teen girls with inspiring stories – and advice. Cultural insight and positive role models healthy looking girl lived out her faith subscribe@friomagazine.com Brio magazine.com today on Focus on the Family why finding the perfect formula for parenting your kids is not a good goal. Parenting is not like math is like sailing know where your goal and you cut after-tax left and right.

There's lots of things you do wrong much things that you should have done that you did all of us are that way and what you're aiming for is good enough and especially descriptions of Hester recognizing the thank God this is not my job. Jesus is with your teenager. Dr. Kim wilderness who specializes in helping parents and teens navigate the transition from childhood to adulthood with greater success. He's written a book called feeding the mouth bites, which he describes a novel approach to parenting something he calls planned emancipation. Dr. will guess is a psychologist, author and podcast host and his back with us today your hostess book as president and Dr. Jim Daly and I'm John Fuller, John. We had a marvelous conversation last time with Ken and his two cohost moms Jessica and Ashley describing some better ways to interact with your teens and I sorta say Jean and I when we read the book couple years ago really changed how we parent and I would gladly endorse this and say this is one of the best parenting books that parents can get their hands on and we put it into play and it made a dramatic change in the way the boys related to us and the whole construct of emancipating these teenagers giving them more responsibility, trusting them to do what they want to do with that is really tough.

In fact, I give an example. We had no the senior year Dr. Ken said you got a really let your teenager decided to go to church with you and we're like what are you insane and that we set that to Trent and shot to McPherson but I would say it really turned him more toward us than running from us, which is really gave him the room to choice the proof in the pudding, so II really want to encourage you to lean in and listen today and then get a copy of this great book feeding the mouth and bite you and will give you all the details in a minute. Well give it to you right now. In fact, click the link in the episode notes or call one 800 the letter a in the word family and you also find a link to the previous conversation first part of this conversation which is invaluable. We really do recommend that you will look for that and the doctor will guess is a psychologist, author and speaker, and is joined by his two colleagues who caused the podcast with them. Jessica Pfeiffer and Ashley Parish will Ken Ashley, Jessica, thank you for being with us. We we covered a lot of ground yesterday, and if folks if you miss that program go ahead and get the smart phone app or go to the website and you can hear yesterday's program but let's kick it off today where I'd like to start with some of the common parenting mistakes that you seen can and what we should be doing instead of what we are doing and maybe you could just start there. Why do we parent probably the way we were parented, even if it didn't work well stop and ask ourselves the question. Well, especially since most of us didn't love our adolescents growing up so it is funny that we don't actually think that more often like I do. I want to keep doing that, but what are the alternative, so the families I work with are involved, caring families take some time and money to come see me it so the most common parenting mistake of those parents and but probably many that are listening is trying to still use childhood parenting techniques with teenagers. That's basically what happened. Most of the time. We've always done this.

He never liked cleaning his room.

We used to have to remind him couple three times, but he'd get up and he go do it, but Dr. will now is 14 he is a hearing loss. I I don't now we keep saying he just ignore what is this what it's called adolescence and it is common for parents not to recognize that that is a distinct stage of development that is at the early part of adulthood, not the later part of childhood.

That's the most common yes take ice in it kind of leans toward were wanted to go, which is the have to use versus the advice and sometimes parent height I'm guilty of this. My advice is really a must do what I say it in a way that's a strong recommendation make a speech like basically very confusing for my teenager to understand what is it you want me to do. Dad just said what you know it it's worth thinking about almost everything that comes out of your mouth.

The teenager is going to be kind of try to put it in one of two categories. Is this something that is advice or is this I have to about to become have to. That's a lot of what you get the defensiveness.

So it's really important to get good at communicating that the thing that I'm about to tell you is advice or the thing about tell you is I have to do is and if you don't do it will be this consequence, but the bulk of what I think parents are really trying to talk what is actually advice they want to put it in firm. While tones that they think will help remember but you know the thing that I always remember is that one of the episodes that podcast I interviewed my children there like 3230 in 20 oh that's got some one and I said to them, so is you know I recommend parents do not make speeches do not make speeches at all three of them went out you might self talk about because I think I hate you right.

I didn't know I was hoping some better so that I I reach for the last thing which was what do you think my speeches helped you my children. My middle suite one, the one she said will daddy. I remember that you made speeches. I don't remember anything you said in your so I've always kept that minded parents love to quote themselves in these communication really advice but remember that those kind of things they don't remember it but if you give it as advice. If you start by saying listen Kai just tell you this is your friend and you know your old nephew you choose your own friends but and maybe this is just me but I just think you know since they got in cheerleading, you didn't. I just feel like they don't treat you with respect like before. But that's up to you and maybe you should ignore that.

That's actually a better way for him to hear it, then to try to go the hard route which is listen. I know a few things and that lecture stuff gets turned right off because you can't make me it so it's much more effective to talk like that you use an analogy just to get back as I think again we need to underline this about our speeches as parents. I tried to refrain from that.

I try to do the advice to do the best I can get a hold that mirror my tongue there. You mentioned the wrath analogy and I think we as adults need something to hang on to what's the real you know I've told many parents that are doing again. Often what they think is God's work of I am continuing to teach, teach, teach, and and my favorite is will what it did she say after you finish saying nothing but but you could tell know what what's happening is that you are basically on a raft way out in the ocean just about to cross over the horizon and they can barely hear this blah blah that you been saying now for the last 17 years and year. Your chance of being heard it all is just about gone. If you keep doing this childish technique of teaching demanding controlling it if if you want to be effective, you have to rethink how you communicate with them if you want them to hear not so true Jessica I want to bring you into this discussion you describe how you were indulging your kids, maybe too much, even to the detriment of your marriage to explain the circumstances if you will, and I think a lot of women particularly are going to connect with this so hot.

How are you sacrificing marital time. 14.

Time well I think that parents have four kids can relate, or even to one or two you start filling your time with the kids want to be involved in the sport. The kids want to be involved in this leadership opportunity at school the kids want to do something with youth group, all of a sudden you look at your calendar and it is completely filled with activities and all the family members and there's absolutely no time for you or your husband to be together. There's no time to connect with your family over the dinner table you naïve let it all go. I think especially this year with coven love staying home people and kind of regrouped and sent know more when I doing this anymore were slowing things down and shut down some of these these options here because we need that, but it it definitely being overindulgent really sacrificed my marriage, but it also put a lot of tension between my husband and I because we didn't agree on how many activities the kids to do it and agree on what they should be part of. I was wanting to do everything he was pulling back and say no, this isn't good for family and and how did you come through agreement. Did you just lay down someone I feel like well he's just have me capitulate, but you want to say okay I get it now.

I think it times I was exhausted and I saw his point and then other times I was now I can do it, I'll just pull myself up by my bootstraps and will make it happen for got another supermodel I want the kids to do all these things. These are good things, but I think at the end of the day had to and I still struggle with this. This is not this is an ever present problem that I had to say okay like this is a this relationship with my spouse is gonna keep going when these kids moved out and got to prioritize his needs and are family time together more than I do.

My kids agendas and this is you know this is all in that area of entitlement that we talked about last time. Again, if you missed it, get the download drama give those details in a minute. Ashley, let me turn you.

You mentioned a strategy for countering that entitlement by serving others. I think that was something you talked about on the podcast so wise and important to get your teens to think about other people.

I mean, are you serious you know my teenager is think about themselves.

Always something on my heart. I was raised by my grandparents and my grandfather was disabled little.

I was constantly helping my grandparents do daily activities, helping my grandfather get to the restaurant helping my grandmother in the kitchen and serve him and so I always had eyes that were looking out towards there's always filled me with such joy to bless others and so becoming another and having seven children with then and I serve them and I'm nurturing to then and we had an mom and dad living in a home, raising the seven children and so they don't have the same experience.

I did and so it won't come natural to them like it did to me because it was an everyday thing in my life so I have got to be intentional about creating opportunities for them to look outside themselves and serve others, and we do that and also to raise that is always a top priority for me yet.

Let me let me ask you that because one of things and I'm sure saying this in front of Dr. Ken will get me in trouble here but no one thinks I had a rough childhood as well orphan kid all that so I thought you know my kids are not have to suffer those things so I'm sure that I've overindulgent to me that you know for example, I didn't get a chance to good.

So how many times you think my boys have gone to Disneyland 20 something in their 20 so you know that's part of it to we can, especially with our backgrounds. We can overcorrect and what's the danger of that. If it sounds good to me.well you know so many things. It feels like this is can be good for my kids, but actually it was good for you back when you couldn't have it, but it may not be good for you, kid. So this is not always wrong but you have to be careful about. Are we really serving our kids and like Ashley mentioned, you know, it was important thing for her to know that serving others actually brings joy but if you take all of that on and I'm going to serve my kids and not give them the chance to serve others and or even me, then you can't hoarding all that joy you have to really meet your kids where they are in your case. For example, the reason your trouble is because you want to be careful that it's very tempting but the idea of him to give them what I should've had often isn't really what they needed at the time because you know your kids raised better than you were given the given of different X know I so appreciate that. That is one of the traps we can fall into. We justify that overindulging and we say will you know it's it's my love for them. Thanks is my love as a cashier story about how I teach my children to take their eyes out and hide it with the teenager so we recently a year and half ago moved to a small town and in our small town garrison and children that attend school with my children and passionate about serving as needs for those children because I remember with my grandparents that I would look at their children with 1/2 now that we get secondhand things and I was thankful for them and sell as a going adult and easily half and so I want to serve others that answer recently we had a drive for children in our neighborhood and our community and we had bought our children a lemonade stand. We had made for them and that lemonade stand was never for them to make a profit, but to find ways to serve other people in our community, especially because my oldest son and mentioned to you that lemonade stand makes many things that I want to buy my six-year-old when my sexual twin girls said that's how we do that lemonade stand is used for charity so we could drive where we made hot chocolate and so if you brought a used use coat like you get hot chocolate for free to reset by stand. We decorated it is really sweet and I told my teenager.

She asked if she could do some random hot tub at stand and sit at your team, and she missed out on her event that she wanted to get to with her friends that she could stay home with no answer. That's exactly right.

If you done the same thing with note this is coat Drive day member since you were eight, then you invite a kind of pushback but respecting that you listen your rage in the younger kids will hear this, then you can make your choice that handed herself respect that's perfect. Your choice exactly our guest today on Focus on the Family are Ashley Parish, Jessica Pfeiffer and Dr. Ken Lucas and we've got Dr. Willis's book getting them out the bites you just click the link in the episode notes or call 800 K in the word family. Let me go back to something we often address and that's building your teenagers faith.

I mean, we believe the measurement of faith is how often you go to church, not so much how I read the word and put the word into play right which is really the goal of understanding embracing the word and I think many parents are terrified of the good Christian kids.

All this investment for 13, 14, 15 years and going to Bible study and doing all the right things all of a sudden they're gonna not do those things if they're given a choice.that's right so I mean wow… Keep going with what brought us to the bank hadn't said anything. Just hope they don't know right and so often what we here at Focus on the Family from parents is that our kids were generally good. Now they've gone off the rails.

They were doing everything so well what happened to them and that can happen at 17, 18, or soon as they get those freedoms. Maybe when I go to college in my first year in college ends up being a disaster because they've gone from a really clean living environment and I mean that spiritually to a dorm room at some school that all things are happening around them and they get sucked in and they're not prepared in the not so address that. That's a broad question address that approach and how do we how do we help kids on their face before they leave the house yet is probably the pinnacle method or reason that planets patient is there is that that's where things can be the worst is that his parents Christian parents.

The idea of saying hey you don't use between you and God know whether you go to church seems wrong. I am here to stumble in our family were going to go to church. That just seems like the thing you hold onto, but depending on the research that you look at 60 to 80% of high school involved Christian church kids completely fall of the spiritual map after the leave home.

Many of them will come back. But why do they leave well various reasons in the faith is not an ideology is not what you teach the spirit has to give it to you. So that's important to keep in mind, however, the teenagers and young adults I've talked to many of them when they no longer participate in the faith.

After the leave home. It's not even because they've got some big rebellious streak it's like you what happened you in church, oh 9 AM.

I do want to come home but is like never occurred to them that this is not a thing that your parents do know it's yours. So it's just very critical that at the very least the spring of your senior year, if not senior year.

It's a really important that they hear that in this house you've grown up in.

This is between you and God. And as we always say giving that freedom then should open up the ability to actually communicate about, so that a month later when still not going to suck. I did, you can take him aside and say so does this bother you at all because you know it seems weird. We thought you were a Christian course of a Christian, you can't really say you're in the Dallas Cowboys to practice. Never shop games. I'm not sure if that unit. That's much more jolting then get up go to church. It's it's a real discussion of well what is your faith then because what you're showing looks like mate maybe you don't really have it. That's way more effective then check the box. I did the parenting thing made my kids go, we were always there church would look really good.

Well that's interesting now as mother practitioners to get their experience with that Jessica you have older children to so how is that journey been the faith journey as you let go and let the moment. I think that the real problem with parents is the pride gets in the way you really want kids to turn out and they reflect poorly on you. If they're not going to church, or if they followed away or they're living in a way that is unwholesome and unholy and so I think as a parent. I've had to drop the pride and say I value authenticity. I want my kid to be honest with me.

I don't want them lying to me when I got to college and say oh yeah mom I'm going to consummate a Bible study and not not really being there the tree walk. I want to be praying for them and my husband and I have had some experiences with my oldest that were heartbreaking and hard particular his freshman year college and my husband said to me, we we know a lot. He tells us everything and I said I'd rather not. I'd rather be naïve. Now you know what you want the knife because he would know what to pray for, and I think that's really is apparent where we we want to have our eyes wide open and that only happens when you're not trying to control the situation when you're letting them have the discussion with you that maybe exact opposite of your faith and your beliefs in a bit but still opening the conversation and letting them through that and continuing to pray for them so good actually have a you you experience those transitions with faith on my oldest is 14 and says she can't drive in to. She still has to attend church with that as a family pet. My own experience as an adolescent really gave me the confidence and faith in the Lord that we say that our children are God all the time. You know what I like a lot. Our kids are God's first but we have really got to put the rubber to the road when they can analyze sense and remind ourselves that and God is a better father then we could ever be as apparent that her parents are teenagers and we can have her be and there's got to come in time.

We believe what were saying and what we've been saying and not got it so much Pekingese with an you've Artie had faith discussions with your oldest that were specifically trying not to be overcontrolling in teaching is Ray Ray Wright and 14 County Natalie recently had a faith discussion and she was pretty upset about something and talk to her and reminded her sent you first remember and I just kind of reminded her when she was younger she got this T-shirt and that God's girl and she wore that T-shirt out.

I could barely get out of her to wash it but just to remind her at that now as a 14-year-old facing trials and and issues with her friends in junior high just reminded her to write that ceiling. That's you, I belong to and not with so much more impactful than anything else I could have come up in Canada unmindful coming down to the end of day to hear kind of the wrapup moment and I'm thinking of those parents. This is been good. We talked a lot about letting go, but I'm thinking of those parents. The had to let go because they never really had control at 15 1617 it's been a difficult path and it's harder than what we've been describing here or there may be twentysomething now is walked away. And you know there's lots of reasons for that one is self-determination right that's right, that person has a free will, God gave your child free will and they can exercise that and hopefully God will use all those experiences to bring that child back and that something you mentioned a moment ago. Can a lot of the research. Yes, 60 to 80% of the 18, 19-year-old group walk away from the faith, but about 50% by 3035 will actually come back and that's great news, but still hard know you're there. Still suffering that they have the twentysomething now who isn't talking about God that is a prodigal, and let's face it, there's a lot of things in the culture that can pull on our adult children on our team. Children to get them away from a God centered life.

You know whether that sexual or drugs or whatever might be in that I think the right place to enter Canada's with that word of hope for that parent and maybe what advice you would have for that parent and just imagine that twentysomething prodigal son or daughter what you say to them you not touch a lot of parents were aware that you know adolescence for the children is an important spiritual journey, but it's really important for parents to be aware that that stage of parenting is a spiritual journey journey for parents as well so we tell our children that we trust in God and that our confidence in our relationship with the one true God is through Jesus and yet we flip out over stuff and often what happens with the kid that is sort of off track but also doesn't want to talk to us as parents that it can be very powerful and a big part of your faith to come to that 20-year-old and say something or listen, you know, I talked to all about my faith. You get tired of that but I can let you know I think there are times I have not shown that and and I've been all scared and really a lot of times we talk to you in a way that we were trying to be helpful, but I think we were disrespectful and we sounded like we thought you were still a child and were really sorry about that and and if that seems that we don't respect you as an adult will take all that back, especially since and again I know you don't believe all this, but our belief in God tells us that you your your in his hands, and so we really wanted to make sure that we been clear with you that kind of humility and and and truthful statement yet. The first pray that through. I think it's important for person of the window doesn't close on you can start wherever you are right now at an end. Come start to reconnect through real humble and and repentance from again. From what adults viewpoint can look like I know you were trying to help but you really made me feel disrespected and you can take ownership of that is apparent and it can pet it many times, very powerful and this is been so good. Thank you for being with us again and thank you for what you're doing and raising 11 kids. The wonderful thing of the biggest smile I've ever seen in my boy spaces is to say, man. I just wish we would have more of you.

They get the biggest smile that you really, absolutely, and I'm so proud of you for what you do each and every day is a mom and all the moms listening right now. Thank you ;-) thinking and will encourage you to get a copy of Dr. Wilkerson's book feeding the mouth that bites you, and certainly if there are other ways that we can help give us a call. Our numbers 800 K in the word family or stop by the episode notes. You'll find the links therefore that book and other resources. And I might make mention of our free online parenting assessment. Many, many parents have benefited from this short little survey of kind of an inventory of where you're at and it will help you better understand your parenting strengths and may be an area or to a weakness so look for that online as well.

And I said this last time, John, Jean and I believe in this book so much of what Dr. Kim has formulated over the years, through experience and through counseling. Lots of the parents that if you need this resource feeding the mouth of bites. You really how to emancipate your teenagers into adulthood. It's a brilliant brilliant approach to parenting and I think very godly get in touch with us if you can make a gift of any amount will send the book as our way of saying thank you if you can afford it will send it to you. Just let us know within the trust others will cover the point is, if you're struggling in your parenting journey for if you're in that space where your kids are 89 10 this is a perfect time to study this here on the precipice of really some exciting parenting time and that we want you to do well donate today and you can get a copy of this book again and find the link in the episode notes will call 800 K in the word family on John Fuller and on behalf of Jim Daly, and the entire team. Thank you for joining us today for Focus on the Family sure to join us next time. As we once more help you and your family thrive.

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