Simple Ways to Love Your Daughter or Son (Part 1 of 2)

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I shall do my girls really every morning if they don't come over to me to give me a hug.

I will always go find them and give them a big daddy and I get a kiss on the head and another boy and two girls and Lance looks very much like time they enjoy time with together and individually. My daughters are grown now and so connecting is little the harder I try to pursue them by tomorrow for dinner or a call or just send a text.

I'm thinking of you. I wonder if you resonate with those comments you love your children is something that parents want to do that with velvets sometime need to lean in and be a little bit more intentional about how we show love to her children today and Focus on the Family will review some great ideas about loving your sons and your daughters in ways that are meaningful to them were so glad you joined us your hostess books Pres. and Dr. Jim Daly and on John Fuller, John.

I've always been man so happy to love on my boys that this is part of what I love to do given them a hug and I can remember my oldest rhythm. He was stiff as a board is five years old hug in his arms read down inside Sunoco had her arms around my shoulders, and give a big squeeze my kidneys and just to get him to go for it because he was so you know I just felt him and that I could say now he is one great hugger. It is hard like it's busy. We get distracted we are not sure you know if they really need that anymore, but the right answer is. Who doesn't need a hug and everybody needs a hug and I think your kids will need more hugs than you realize. Sometimes there's misunderstandings hurt feelings and no one were parenting. You said your perfect parent, but never can tell you where I often asked audiences when speaking. Is there a perfect parent in here. I think I've had one person out of tens of thousands people that actually put their hand up and exit okay after we talk. Come on up on ask you some questions they didn't show up so that's the point is just normal life and we want to help you today. As a parent to love on your daughters to love on your sons in ways that really feed their confidence, their identity in Christ and all those good things that we have invited Matt and Lisa Jacobson to help us explore this a little bit more. They were here a few months ago talking about meaningful ways to show love to your spouse and shazam. There's a follow-up meaningful ways to show love to your children mad as a teaching pastor in a marriage coach. Lisa encourages women to live more biblically and together they write, speak on topics marriage and parenting Christian living and they cohost a podcast called faithful life of Jacobson severed up your books will explore today 100 ways to love your son, also 100 ways to love your daughter. The simple powerful path to a close and lasting relationship, and we've got copies of those books here, just click the link in the episode notes that Lisa welcome back to focus back to have you with us now. I think we need to clarify upfront that you have experience in parenting yeah we have 88 and you have how many of which have fallen for it so well. You have a basketball team +3 substitutes expert for almost a baseball to your little short, they were still working and just the simple idea of a busy household and its challenging to find that quality time that quantity time.

How did you guys do with the kids.

I mean, where did you find the time to actually be with your children collectively and individually. One of the things that I think we've learned in life is that everybody has time for the real priorities and so in a busy house and I have not met anybody in the last 20 years and say they were so busy it's like a calling card of everybody so busy that you throw eight kids in the next and it is very very challenging just from a logistic sampling kit in the wheels of the wagon ordering our lives is that helpful to you about our family, that there is order in our home, not a bunch of chaos and cast comes with kids but you also want to give them a sense that there is order. There's peace in our home and not set the priority, but how do you get back to that question. How did you literally carve out time for each child. The night I didn't do that well. I had two boys mean I would do things together. Looking back on it that was one regret that I've had, you know, because two boys. We go to the ballgame together. We did everything together and I didn't really understand the need to do some things individually just to build one on one time until in their teen years and I do that is one thing that I wish I would've caught earlier. Well, that makes perfect sense and I think everybody no matter if you have a smaller family or larger family deals with the exact same challenge you where is that one-on-one time with this child and you've just got a fight for it because it will not happen naturally. Everything in my conspires against it. Which is why I started out by saying we always have time for a real priorities and so sometimes as parents we have to sit down, take stock and really assess where our priorities are, because when we look at those kids as the disciples that God gave us to raise in the nurture and admonition of the Lord to raise to know who he is and what he likes what he requires. It takes time to communion that, but it is the real priority for Christian parents know that this maven sound a little outdated, but I'm thinking of the father.

You know the provider. I know women work outside the home, and I get that but that feeling of not getting kids. I got feed you start thinking about. I may not be here with you physically know that I'm thinking about you but I'm working my backside off trying to make sure we have food and shelter him. You could hear men rationalizing that will absolutely and part of that is just the truth. I hate archetype percentages will you got you got a pilot there. Is there a lot of expenses that go into maintaining the family, but there are some practical things you can do along the way. So if you have a little errand to run, grab a kid to go with you. It's more efficient always just to do it yourself which had to the hardware store gives any so you gotta have to sacrifice a little bit of efficiency for what really matters. Every guys grinning to searcher exams can sneak out and make sure I get the hammer lunch take the kids. Lisa Lemanski on that hugging set up. I did terms of Trent every need. Hugging was really important to you is, is when your parenting tools lot parents you know were just not taught how to engage that way.

Especially if you're coming from a stoic and more stoic family environment where you guys talked about things, but you didn't show affection. Maybe your mom and dad you never's Psalm hug or kiss you know that that's not uncommon anyway. I grew up in a home that was not particularly affectionate, so this whole hugging, touching thing was very new to me, naturally. The mother, but it didn't come naturally to me. Family was way more affectionate that way.

And so I learned a lot from him but I also started seeing there was so much power is that even if it didn't feel comfortable my reaching out to my kids touching hiking down. I could see them right now. I could see breakthroughs even in so the more I really like the more I was determined to do and it's very comfortable to me at 9285 can be learned that you don't have to stay in that place. The distance is comfortable, you can learn hug.

Now I gotta ask you Matt as a father with four daughters me that's part of it. A lot of dads will write to focus her contact, focus enough want your kids to a certain especially daughters if you know it's kind of uncomfortable how you manage that whole side of the kind of appropriate hug his dad. You know not well you know when you're doing it for the first time does matter. If you have any kids. There are first times along the way right and so I had to learn that with my daughters when they were transitioning to they didn't, that whole touchy-feely thing to pull back and have a Trent with the transition away from that. But the real core of it isn't to check a box that hey I touched this child. Today I embrace this child. The real core of it is communicating that you actually like them as a person. Every parent loves their kids right.

I love my kids but do you like do you like with them. Do like their personalities are they people that you value just because they are not what they are going to accomplish her what they've done with that's sounds like managing expectations to degree if you got these incredibly high expectations your son or daughters can be a doctor not very good at math or whatever right that starts to put little widgets in your relationship to little barriers like this in loving your child is like got to be like the unconditional love that we experience from the Lord. It should be, but it's sometimes hard to do that, as is apparent right because they're behaving in ways Lisa like don't make me very happy right now. There is never a moment where my daughter who is teenage years and she was just having emotional meltdowns.

She was being totally ridiculous and I'm really frustrated my spirit like what to do with this child and I walking around when I was just trying to come up with the right words the right lecture and then something in me to set just to go over and just hug her know if she would upset with me that we just make it worse. But I just did it anyway and I just didn't say anything. I just had just right arm. She melted feeling cranky feeling. I could feel the little girl and her just just come down and we did and having a more reasonable conversation. After that, and for the time there was no agenda, just I'm here with you, no matter how you're feeling so often. As parents we forget even though we went through when we were teenagers at 13 to 17-year-old stage when that as it appears on your face and all children. What is a good time to hug your child that is this perspective that you've got to be able to bring is the parent without judgment or just that wraparound say you know what is not that big a deal. And that's true just about anything that goes on in the teenagers life at that point, sometimes one of the most difficult things you can do because you want to be efficient you wanted the information you want to go forward plan to find the most difficult things you can do is just and we've got a couple of kids. They're not all this way we have a very silent son who he doesn't have much to say. I'm sure you have a variety of major writing, but there is a huge value in valuing and I say value because the parent has to see this in themselves. I value this is a huge value in just listening to your daughter to your son listening to what they have to say and were such fixers and we listen to the problems and then three minutes and we got the answer but that's the wrong approach. Certainly we found in our kids, and I'm thinking of a couple of dollars. In particular, but wanted to just wants you to listen and she's not looking for your comeback answers and your awesome plans and solutions. She just needs to get it out. She had stood and soak it, doesn't feel very productive as a parent, but it's superpowerful in the heart when so much of what you talk about in your great resources.

100 ways to love your son 100 ways to love your daughter.

It's it's relationship to me that's what you're really talking about you in fact talk about dating your daughter.

I didn't have that experience. John you you did.

I don't have daughter so I kind of know there's a piece of my heart going. I wish I would've had a daughter and experience that got Wednesday night every Wednesday nights can be your night was spent time together. How did you do that yes wealth for us all with eight kids. You can't just walk out at night of the week as she always says I'm high maintenance with it, Sundays or Saturday person and I think I say this in the book.

I wish I would've done this vastly more than I did and there a lot of dads out there that do an excellent job with this. I did date, our daughters again a little bit.

I wish you would've done a lot more is real value to saying hey, I'd like to lunch with you. we do it more. now what we've got several kids that don't live near us, but right but with our daughter that does, and with our sons. we definitely have more time to go, but it's easy just asking just asking. and sometimes your child will be surprised if you haven't done it might be surprising and if there is a little bit of perspective take the bait. if you start in on this journey. just do it to show them that you like them and you want to be with them.

you want them to be with you. what's creating those opportunities to listen. like i said a moment ago lisa let let's turn to sons for moment. i love this aspect that you wrote about in terms of letting boys be boys. in essence, so your kids, your boys love sound like love to build forts. my boys did the same thing you know where that blanket were the chairs over in the basement. they got this foregoing it's a nice nice place. go hide really, why is it important to let boys be boys but i think it it speaks so powerfully to their life. it builds confidence in them that they you can you love them just how they're made and encourage that. so i had it for me.

i had to let go. some things i had to let go of my need for order to house those are super important things to me, but i realize wait a minute i'm sacrificing how they're made in order for me to be, have my homily i wanted to be like that go, but i didn't sell it. i can let them spread out all over the house but in a living and they would set up their tents. they believe in it for days they would bring all their stuff in the evening air and i passed her older son who is now 26th. what is it that we did write what is it something that you felt like i did well. i loved that you let us build forts in the house, and no sump.

sometimes this can take a dangerous turn. so our son. the 26-year-old had one of these little action figures with a parachute attached to and we had an upper room in the house. we were out that had a railing and so he go up there and thrown off and watch it silly and he starts thinking i can do this so he goes and gets a garbage bag. oh no no no and he's he's standing at the top on the rail and you just get wrecked onto this platform. he built with the with with questions there and grandma walked by and said what he is as well. it worked. i saw diana's due As a future engineer… so good.

this is focus on the family today were talking a man lisa jacobson get a copy of the books 100 ways to love your daughter companion 100 ways to live your son. it's not rocket science. it's good practical stuff we got those books here at the ministry, click the episode notes for details or call 880 family met you stress the importance of affirming your sons and i think i understand that.

i hope i've done a good job of that with my boys but that you're coming from a place where you didn't really have the well of affirmation right. it's wonderful how god works that pendulum. so much of our parenting. i think if you're aware in your tuned in, you will start to correct those things you didn't have, and i can so relate to that and it sounds like you had that similar experience.

yes, absolutely. and whilst saying that as a young child i didn't really have that affirmation from my dad or my mom they did change later in life out there. there was a journey that they were all growing database for ongoing but then again this is one of those things we see hey is it that big of a deal you know about it, but there's so many opportunities through the day and it is a massively big deal for your son and your daughters to know that you approve of them.

you approve of him so giving them affirmation for the things that they've accomplish the things that they've done or how they've acted toward another person. if it's in a good, constructive and godly way every single day is filled with opportunities to affirm who they are and what defendant hey we all know it's filled with opportunities for training and discipline to win the young especially.

but the thing is is that you are so powerful as a parent and i know a lot of parents out there. don't feel powerful. they just be like tater kids are no moving on in life and the circles get bigger and all of that but your presence and your the validation that you can bring to the decisions that they make is so powerful it helps them build confidence.

it helps them know that you're behind them, and every day is he just look around what happened in your day and what maybe they cleaned up all the bikes off the driveway and yet, as a young kid in our kids do a lot of wood chopping.

in fact, i never even lit a fire once in the winter for 1012 years because they handled it but affirming your kids is this is kind like catching your children doing well eggs, a lot of us have a tendency to find out what they're doing wrong and call your saying find them doing right and affirm not only that john was hitting me is that experts will say try to do a 10 to 1 ratio sounds exhausting, no meaning, not 10. no negative negative for everyone positive the opposite sure every one negative. try to augment that with 10 positives and it can be a burden until you change your perspective on what you're actually bright and and what you're speaking into the life of your son or daughter. and that does speak life into your son or daughter. thanks lisa let me ask you again, i'm coming from.

no experience, just observing my friends, but with daughters and you alluded to this. there was an emotional moment. so many hormone changes are going in sons and daughters but girls seem to have harder end of that just with hormone changes and development in all those things and how do you manage all that image self-image as a mom to a daughter. how are you encouraging her to be solid and who she is, no matter who she is. i thought my daughters would help in a solid, loving home. i thought they would just naturally be confident teenagers. i really did. i thought that would just fall into place and so i was very surprised when my girls did struggle with self-image or wanted to know if they were pretty or if they were okay surprised surprised me thought they had that what what in the woman's heart in a girl's heart is making that disconnect. why why are there so doubtful what they are who they are i think comes with the territory. but there's also all that social media there is here. influence internet just your own self-doubts and they all come together somehow an vulnerable time and just make a nest of your child's heart you daughters hi and so as a parent, rather than pulling away that we can do when they're teenagers like you. nothing i can our girls are said to me now mom we need you more than ever. in 19 years. we need you there to speak into our lives and in positive ways. not that so much the lectures, just that i believe in you.

i love you i love what you're wearing again affirmation. lisa let me delve into that a little bit and i don't know if you found the difference with each of your daughters. i would think you did because everybody's uniquely made. but the quiet soul i mean you're sitting there your firm in your hugging you doing all those things so you matter to me when you get very little response. i know you're gonna say yes they motivated to keep going, but you may have one of those quiet daughters that you not getting the feedback loop to say this feels good. all thank you mama that's incredible mom.

thank you.

you don't typically get that, i deftly have one yeah sure.

and you're right you do just you do it anyway. and recently i disrupt the same daughter who is now living out of the home and i wrote her a letter just for my heart because she was going through a really difficult time.

i had no idea if it would offend her. i didn't know she would throw it out had just mailed it to her and that she text me when what she said mom i got your letter. i cried scott, i'm so likely did me thinking. even if you aren't as expressive as some of you for that mom and dad had to stay motivated. you know we have our needs to emotionally and if we don't feel response, or its minimal we can tend to trail off in those positive things. so how do we stay motivated when you're not getting the feedback had had he stay there anything a couple things is minus want to keep your long-term perspective. i i know the kind of relationship i want with this child when they are in their 20s, in their 30s and and on so i can try keep that in mind and not next, encouragement and privately in the back bedroom like that you're like no that's just keypad or it's your turn. we do some of that re-reminded of things and one of the big ones in this matter of dealing with the child pulling back a little bit and maybe even saying some things that you locate weight of it, but you need to remember not to take the bait. because then what you wind up doing is being engaged at the same level right and that we had our kids come back to us now are older kids and they said hey i really appreciated how you pushed me there. i really appreciated how you so they know yeah as adults in the world now that i'm back around to some of these things that you look at in the moment you go hey what's happening. is this positive, but the main thing is don't take the bait. just remember who the adult in the room is at its heart because we do have feelings, his parents, and here this child that we poured 56 and 70 years into his now saying hurtful things are doing hurtful things don't take the bait. just keep praying. don't don't don't don't tell is funny. i mean, he created everything. these two creation is people going a different direction, bellowing against sure hello no other well. we obviously enjoyed our conversation with matt and lisa jacobson today on focus on the family as we reviewed their great ideas about how to love your son or daughter in really meaningful ways.

john met lisa had provided us with some simple yet profound reminders about what's most important in our families today and we can't afford to get distracted by the busyness of life and forget to listen to our kids or hug them on a regular basis. i try to do that we need to encourage them and affirm them and who god created them to be and i like what you said earlier john, this isn't rocket science that we can all learn how to love our children better and that's why i really appreciate these books by matt and lisa 100 ways to love your son and 100 ways to love your daughter.

both books are easy to read and chock full of fun ideas and encouraging stories and we can put either into your hands so for gift of any amount today to focus on the family, that'll be our way of saying thanks for partnering with us to strengthen and support families call today to donate and request your copy of 100 ways to love your son, or 100 ways to love your daughter are numbers 880 family or go to the episode notes to learn more and you probably know this but just in case. focus on the family has a lot of resources to benefit your family, including a free online parenting assessment which can give you a general overview of what's working well with your kids and offer some suggestions about ways that you can improve that relationship and that's why focus on the family exists to equip moms and dads to be the best parents they can be.

and thanks to the generous support of so many friends like you. we've been there when families needed us the most, like the woman who wrote to us a while ago and let me just add this is to use the donor and support base. this letter is written to you as much as it is to us after our second child was born. the strong-willed one god brought us to our knees and my husband accepted the lord our lives begin a new and focus led the way when we had no church support to guide her disciple as you were there.

your godly advice. help me parent. my children alone.

while their father was deployed and then helped him learn to be a good dad. once he came home again through the years your teaching about relationships has strengthen our marriage, and pulled us together in our desire to please god, for all these things we are forever grateful man that is so good and let me have my thanks to everyone who has partnered with us financially to empower and help families like that one. and if we haven't heard from you for a while. or if you've never given the focus can i encourage you to consider supporting the ministry today. your donation helps make stories like that one possible and would love to hear from you again. her number is 880 family or find a link in the episode will hear more from matt and lisa jacobson next time about loving your children well. we all have these deep wonderful feelings for our kids right but they're not worth anything. if we don't actually communicate those deep wonderful feelings on behalf of jim daly and the entire team. thanks for joining us today for focus on the family i'm john fuller inviting you back.

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