Cultivating Love in Blended Families (Part 2 of 2)

What's different in blended families is you have so many other leaders to relational dynamics that make this even more complex and it's harder for couples to come together around parenting matters. Therefore it's harder for them keep their marriage safe and protected. Let's run deal and he's our guest again today on Focus on the Family along with his co-author Dr. Gary Chapman so glad that he along with us on John Fuller with your host as president and Dr. Jim Daly. Shall we had an encouraging discussion last. Ron, as they shared some great principles to help stepfamilies grow in love and understanding one another and you know I was a kid in a stepfamily so I get these are very poignant comments that they're making that I lived through as a child and I didn't do that well. I didn't particularly like my stepfather that certain days you know when things were going right. I just didn't have a context understand them and that's the point. Last time and today were giving you context to understand the emotional and even spiritual dimensions of a blended family and you know honesty is a great path forward and we learn that last time I get together talk about those things that are working.

Treat it like a crockpot, not like a microwave. Be patient as the adult in the relationship, particularly with those stepchildren and move forward slowly and Dr. Gary Chapman applied the love languages to that if your love language.

For example, his touch start slowly with a hand on the shoulder, not a hug and that there was great content there. If you missed it, go back get the smart phone app I downloaded from our website. Whatever you need to do this is great stuff for blended family. It is we even have CDs because a lot of people still listen to see the car radios that we listen and you'll find all of these opportunities to watch or listen again in the episode, Gary and Ron welcome back.

Thank you, thank you so good.

I really you know just the thoughts that you planted the seeds that you planted in my mind I know they're resonating with people that we did talk about cultivating love in a blended family. That's what this is all about right, especially and even in the face of that competition description Ron that you gave us. You know, there's always this underlying competition that my mom should be spending that much time with that stepdad and you know the stepfather saying those kids are taken too much time for my new wife I want to spend time with her.

I think in some ways is her normal feelings, but they can be extremely dangerous and harmful to the relationships right. That's the bottom line. Let's just start with that nugget. Why is it important to back up and understand the environment you're in that moment was helpful to know what's going on in the child's heart. You know, one of things occurs to me that we didn't mention is you know stepsiblings are kind of competing with each other for the biological parent. Imagine a child I get two weekends a month with my dad and when I'm at my dads house I have to share my dad with my stepmom and my stepmom's three other children. My stepsiblings so there's four people spending time with my dad when it used to just be our time with dad and it was just us. That's a natural huge adjustment that a child has to make, how I make room for all these new people in my heart and when I'm desperately holding on to what I used to have. What really matters most to me. My dad and so how do I navigate that for stepparent to step back and go. That's just silly. I don't know why you're worried about that. Well you not stepping into the child's shoes in that moment.

This is not to say that you let a child be disrespectful in a tone or an attitude because of what's going on inside you don't have to endure that, but it is helpful if you jump into their shoes and go you know what I think I'd be wrestling with all this to how I approach this child in a loving way.

That is really good. I am thinking of that you know your if you're connected biologically to the father and this is your stepmom and the other child is connected to mom.

Biologically, those kids can have some really terrible conversation you write.

Your mom is no good night or your dad's terrible to my mom. Yeah, it's all those kinds of things that can occur and let's make sure we present the other side to sometime stepsiblings absolutely adore one another. They all love football in the meat you have something to come around together and I've never had a sister before this is great. I mean there's a lot of good that happens in the midst of all of this and really that's one other element here. There is good and hard at the same time it's not all good or all bad. It's often both simultaneously, which is just confusing as you're trying to figure this out whether you be a child or adult.

What are some ways to build that relationship within the siblings.

What can you do as a parent to orchestrate if I could say that. Hopefully not manipulated but orchestrated an environment where the connection can be enhanced. One of things Gary and I talk about in the book is you can't make anybody love anybody will know that you can't make your child love their child but you can create a climate where it's more likely that they will figure out a way to be friendly friends family with one another. That'll be the process right and so what is that climate look like well, we expect you to treat each other well.

You don't treat your brother or your stepbrother that way.

I'm sorry knock it off right boundaries and correction and the expectation of kindness within your home hate so-and-so's birthday were all get involved with this. Let's all celebrate Johnny today. Susie's got a concert at school were all going were jumping in stepsiblings or otherwise. We do things to support each other that's sending messages of hay in this crockpot we love each other we take care of each other.

You don't have to have a deep heart intimate relationship with your stepsiblings were not demanding that, but we are going to treat each other with kindness. Gary poses this question is apparent. Hopefully God following parent who wants that harmony in their home. How can you teach the siblings age appropriately about the love languages what you say to them, to encourage them to know your brothers love language.

This is what he likes but I do think that's important to know the way of kind of bringing them together.

And the fact is, everybody needs love. I don't care how young you are, how old you are, what's In your past.

Everybody needs look no love for the Lord did say love your neighbor is absolutely so we could have a family discussion about the whole concept of you know, I know we've all been through a lot of things you know you lost your mother, but we're together now and we want to learn how to love each other and I think we choose to love. But then we learn how to love and discuss the five love languages five different ways to love people.

Let me go back to that relationship between the one to family members. You had a story about Cynthia and Jeremy faced some challenges when they tried to connect with their stepchildren. What took place there yet for this one. It was Kenneth that I feel displaced phenomenon that sometimes a child feels so Jeremy and his daughter Chloe had a good relationship and Chloe was kind of the only woman in the house and how old the she is always the Princess in the home. I think she was 12).you know.

Myself and all of a sudden here's the new Queen in the home. My stepmom wow does that kind of steal my place in dad's heart in the home and the certain things that I could do to just help out in the home at you and I had a special place contributed to our family and and now that's not needed of me anymore and so it just feels like. How do I embrace my stepmother, what, what's my new identity in the family right there is a there's an adjustment that this child has to make when Gary was talking just a minute ago about the five leveling which is occurred to me sometimes the gift you want to give a childlike Chloe is another opportunity to be special. No, you don't have to cut twice a week anymore. No dad doesn't always sit on the couch and watch movies with you, side-by-side.

Now there's sometimes another woman who's in that place.

He gets time with you some but it's not as much as it used to be.

But what can we give Chloe what can dad give her that is special.

Maybe he needs to create a new little ritual where they're spending a little time together where it's just the two of them that that restores a little of what she feels like has been lost.

We are not saying I always want to be careful and come around.

It was that we are not saying dad stopped being dad dad stops being a parent, he stops having boundaries and limits and consequences and that would be the wrong application but just something to help restore a little of what is been lost. You also talk about the 5P's of step parenting. Let's hippos yeah and by the way what they were to make available to your audience a little E booklet. The 5P's of step parenting good all of these forget to download that as a free PDF what are those 5PP number one his partner. This step parenting is predicated on the notion that the stepparent and the biological parent and really partnered well in their marriage. Your supporting each other your nurturing each other.

The bio parent understands that they have to play a huge role in the lives of their children to set up the stepparent for some success at the expectation our kids you're gonna be kind and decent to this person know that goes a long long way right partner also means we talk behind closed doors about parenting about rules about consequences, about expectations of the children. We have to parent together and have done quite a bit of research and looking into the established research on this notion that less than half of couples that are getting married for a blended family have any serious conversation about how to get a parent together. It is very overlooked by most, so then they get thrown into the mix, and now the trend of figure it out as they go. You got a partner well around parenting so that's what sets the stepparent up to move into the second P which is to pursue a relationship with the stepchild and this is really the heart of what love language in the message in this book is really all about how to pursue with wisdom.

How do you pursue carefully how you understand what's going on with the child not to overdo it. It let me give you a quick little analogy, if you had a new neighbor Johnny got a new neighbor moving in couple doors down in your thinking I'm in a go.

You know, meet my new neighbors and try to get to know him and be a good influence and you know what would you do what I'm asking.

This way, what would you not do if you're trying to make a friend out of a new neighbor, would you not do. We probably wouldn't go bang on their door and shout, you know. Hey, I'm your new neighbor.

Let me and I'm hungry and we get some food at a refrigerator and just storm your way like that's ridiculous like we all know that's not the way it works.

What would you do we go knock on the door and you wait and you might have to wait a while and they might come to the door and say who is it not even open the door and you have to talk through a door and how awkward would that be, but you you know that's where it starts and you talk long enough to limit who you are and what you're about. And if they trust you a little. They might crack the door open and now you got one eyeball you could talk to you and you you talk to the eyeball for a little while and they have to get comfortable there before they start moving the door open when you could see the analogy the child sets the pace for this pursuit.

That's P number three you're a pursue but you have to let the child's pace determine how hard you pursue how intensely you pursue otherwise you are a nuisance and a threat right for P number four patients. P. Number five is persistence. Those two are the what we've alluded to already, my goodness.

If you're not patient then you're just in all the time frustrated in your complaint and you're nitpicking about this that or the other thing whining to your spouse. The biological parent. Why can't you get your child to love me none of that helps. All of that just stirs stress and tension between family members is not helpful sure, but patients crock pot mentality it's going to happen.

I just have to continue to pursue at a pace that the child can receive and remain persistent.

Gary and I believe stepparent should be stubborn, stubbornly persistent at just loving as the child will let you love them and trust that over time that grows into something very authentic and a two way you may think babies are applicable to biological yes I mean these are good concept yes the word and encourage you to swing by the website or check the notes and get a copy of the little download that we have for you which captures those 5P's and explains them a little bit further.

Just check the episode notes for the links. Let's move into that older phase, perhaps grandparenting in blended family in that regard. All the couples who remarry often are blindsided by their adult children who react negatively to that, you know, one of the parents has passed away and dad remarries then it was too fast, and wise dad doing that there's a lot and the kids are thirtysomething right right and it makes for some real strange dynamics help us understand why adult children might have a hard time adjusting now are not talking about seeing it through the eyes of a child.

It's like dad said come on John you're 35. You should understand why this is okay. You know, not too long ago I experienced that in with the family that the two adult children simply did not want their father remarry and I expressed and expressed, and expressed it, and they decide not to remarry and said you know, allowing adult children to control his decision.

So I do think I understand the adult child knows and don't you only know the mother and father, your mother died and now you're your dad's. These older and Allie's was won't get married is already dual get married. Season to jump to judgment on that for me because I'm already going that's terrible but talk about what they're saying. The adult children. What's the justification.

What is that insecurity preps or whatever might be why dad may or may not listen to that one thing sometimes is because they recognize things and that person that he's about to marry me doesn't say so that's valid because we were in love will seal on things and some what is not in love can see things we don't think we have to be empathetic and I like listen to those things.

What are they one of the reasons why you think I should not remarry and then take those things years and talk about them with the person work them out beforehand. I think another thing is I have the strong members of their mother and their dad and they have all these mental pictures and how they love each other.

All of these years and now at this juncture in life to bring someone else into their family and then also it can sometimes be a financial thing. What's this woman go goose coming here do all that stuff you write that letter. Reasons why adult children might not feel good about the their father remarry. What I would say to them. Ultimately, as if the father chooses to remarry, then you need to ask God to help you be kind to your father and be kind to the person that he's married, you might not have a close relationship.

Sometimes it will not happen but at least you will be kind to them and treat them as with dignity and respect that that's the Christian attitude.

I mean really that's first and foremost in almost 40% of the research is showing about 40% of families in America are blended families and so if your grandparent, the chances are almost 50-50 that you're going to be connected in some way to a step family with your adult children etc. so obvious question is how do you become a good grandparent to those blended's grandchildren.

You know that the interesting thing is the 5P's that we talked about applied a step grandparents right you gonna pursue a relationship with the stepgrandchildren but you have to do it at a pace that they receive that you're comfortable with and that the adult child will allow. Let's recognize that when in the book we call the middle generation. So the grandparents that grandparent is the upper generation.

The middle, or the adult parents and then the lower is the grandchildren. If the adult child doesn't really let the grandparent have access to the kids. It's hard to pursue a relationship that happened some time so sometimes the first course of action is building an open door with the adult child and the new spouse and then getting their permission. If you will to move forward in relationship with the kids.

It can be awkward for step grandparents. We hear from people on a regular basis in our ministry at fame life blended that people say I want to.

I'm just not sure what to do. It's so natural to go hug my grandchildren. We have history in relationship and routines and we love each other and I just don't even know who these other children will sure you don't write it is different and it will take time but you be the adult and lead with love and have a gentle pursuit and try to do the best you can. In the meantime when it comes to the externals it's really helpful if you are equitable.

Don't buy your biological grandchildren hundred dollars birthday gifts and $10 birthday gifts for the stepgrandchildren just yesterday did Facebook live here at Focus on the Family and that was one of the questions that came in. There's an inequality at how the grandparents are treating the children we need to address that we need to gently say look had wanted so if you want to help our family. It can start by just being equitable with your time, your gifts, your willingness to babysit all the kids things like it's amazing grandparenting. I didn't have the. The advantage of grandparents.

They work connected to our football family are shrub.

We didn't have a family tree. We had a shrub in that context, there was a surrogate grandparenting family that my mom connected with, and they were just super nice older people the hopes that actually led my mom to the Lord before she died suddenly. So much for our little fledgling family.

But the thing about it is grandparents.

By definition they complain incredible role of letting out pressure within the family. You know you go to grandma and grandpa's house and there's just a way. The grandparents can talk to you as a 12-year-old is a 15-year-old. That makes a connection so tight. Grandparents can be a stabilizing force through the difficult single-parent years they step beyond a filling wrap. They pick kids up from school.

They make him breakfast they do. And by the way, there's a little loss for grandparents now under stepparent comes in. We have this new family and that we don't need you grandma to make breakfast anymore to drop off or pick up what that creates a little hard place in her heart right's transition for everyone.

Well Gary I was asking about that because in the counseling practice that you do.

It seems to me the adult children in the grandparents should be able to get together and work these wrinkles out.

Don't you think I should be.

They don't know where it should be a good first place to start. Let's get up there on the table is talk it out the help that you can be to our family, grandma, grandpa laid out and I would say to both the grandparent and to their adult children. If the other one is being negative. Another was going on I will have her lawyer there being critical. You don't mimic their behavior. You don't say, well, then we just will everything to do with each other saying that so many times I just cut each other off and that is never healthy and sometimes you can go on for years and everybody suffers from that it's okay recognize the hurt that they're coming from the both of you have some hurt and you're expressing if you can listen empathetically try to put yourself again.

We said this before, put yourself in their shoes. Look at the world through their agency okay and I can see how you would feel that way that how can we solve this and you look for a solution rather than discounting the ties right is so critically important and what healthier family. You will have. If you can do exactly what Gary is talking about. I want to dial into probably the most important question again. Being that child with the stepdad that I had it can be discouraging. I think as that parent that stepparent if the child just continues to refuse to let UN and Gary. This is all been wrapped around the love languages and I get that this parents been trying they been doing the touch, or if it's gifts or fits affirmation all of those things that you've brilliantly highlighted but it's now your five and I'm getting discouraged and the child is not 10. He's 15 and the problems are getting worse.

The defiance is getting worse. What hope is there. If you been added a long time even on your knees praying God help me with this young boy that you've given me to raise as a stepson, loving personal recognize that we cannot control that stepson behavior as parents are stepparents. We cannot control their behavior, but we can continue to reach out and love to them ultimately love lands even if they don't ever know. Warm up to you right there still going to move into adulthood. Remembering the way you did reach out to them and love and NOC. Also, don't force yourself on the monitor how long it's been. Don't force yourself on the do consistently reach out and speaking their love language on some level you know we talked about different levels of the love languages but I said be consistent and continue to have a positive atmosphere. God help me to treat them the way you treated me because the Scriptures that God loved us while we were sinners and sent Christ to die for us.

So I feel rejected by this person, but help me to love them, show me how to love them consistently because your love one. My heart, and ultimately, I hope that my love can win their hearts and hearts are true, and these are great truths again for biological families or blended families these things. These principles all apply that last question has to be that stepparent who's at the end. Maybe they're thinking of given up entirely, because it's been so destructive emotionally for them and they don't have the support of the person they married, and the kids and that spouse are, winning aware that person down.

I mean, obviously counseling is the rise step there, but where else can they go. I do think resources are helpful. Imagine somebody saying honey. Could we sit down and read this book we read it together. Could we just can't look at this. Could we watch this video of Focus on the Family having this conversation and let our discussion around what's going on with the child what's happening on this side of it and can you see how this is unraveling your family. All of a sudden that becomes intervention. It's a tool it can't be heavy-handed but that person is reaching out for something practical that could help influence the other people in their family. That's one thing that I've seen happen over and over and carry everything spiritually speaking, the marriage is paramount because kids will leave right they grow up and then go on what you're left with is that marriage and that's why marriage next year relationship with Christ. Your marriage is the next most important relationship then your kids and then so on to friends etc. so we gotta prioritize correctly and that's why we really emphasizing the book the marriage relationship because in a blended family that marriage relationship.

When the two of you are loving, supporting, caring, encouraging each other. It's the best thing you could be doing for your children. Whether there being responsive to both of you are not.

They now have a model of what it looks like to love and care for another person and giving them. That model is extremely important. But again, this is been terrific that we've been at it. The couple days here and I hope you are inspired and obviously there's so much more than we couldn't get to, but that in Gary and Ron's wonderful book building love together in blended families. The five love languages and becoming stepfamily smart really good stuff and I think it's valuable for the biological families whether so many good things in here so I do get in touch with us if you can make a gift on a monthly basis will send the book to say thank you for can make a one-time gift will do that and like I said last time.

If you cannot afford it. We want to get the tool into your hand. So get a hold of us will send it to you, trusting others will cover the cost of that. But again, Ron and Gary, thank you for being with us and for the lifelong wisdom you've developed in this regard. This is your ministry Ron, this is what you been doing it family life for many years now, and Gary love languages again. Just a brilliant stroke that you identified what God did to wire us and that's wonderful. Thank you. Well, thank you. It's always good to be with Focus on the Family as it is. Thanks and really suggest you stop by the website or give us a call to donate and get your copy of this great book building love together in blended families are numbers 800 the letter a in the word family or click the link in the episode notes and we've mentioned that there might be need for counseling a couple of times at least. During this conversation, and Jim generous donors and made it possible for us to have a fantastic team of caring Christian counselors here. Yeah there are in there there for you and believe me after 43 years of ministry you're knocking to shock them. Don't be embarrassed whatever's going on, they will lovingly talk with you and help you and take that in any direction. It needs to go reach out to us and I will schedule a consultation with one of those counselors again are number 800 K family really have a great weekend and that you can join us again on Monday when we'll hear from Jim and Lynn Jackson about what messages your child most needs in the midst of discipline and how to share those message number one, you are safe with me. Message number two you are love matter what message number three you're called and capable message number four. You're responsible on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team. Thanks for joining us for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back.

As we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ