Combating the Lies That Can Destroy Your Marriage (Part 1 of 2)

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This is John Fuller. Please remember, let us know how you're listening to these programs on a podcast app or website. The worst question you can ever ask is how do I have a better marriage because it takes to ask question is God. How can I be a better husband. How can it be a better wife. What is within my control. That's Dr. Greg Smalley as he joins us today on Focus on the Family along with co-author Bob Hall and on John Fuller along with your host focus Pres. Jim John I've said many times, but there is one thing that we are core about marriage.

That's one of our core things we want marriages to thrive more thrive in Christ. Ideally, and we do place a high emphasis on the institution of marriage because we believe in it. We believe it's God's design for the family and I know hearing from the listeners and viewers.

They agree. I mean, that's why they're turning and they want to get some help.

They want to have a better marriage.

Jim and I want to do that were learning every day, especially in so fun when I come home and Isaac Jean. I've got a great idea. Let's spend 10 minutes and evening together, and shall select who did you record with today. I thought I was wise but I really get so much wisdom as you do. John through listening to the guests that we have the privilege of interviewing and that's can be the same today. I'm excited to interview two of our colleagues, Greg Smalley and Bob Paul join us. Greg is the vice president of marriage here at Focus on the Family and has been here a number of times Bob has up our hope restored marriage intensive's and will talk a bit more about those as we go together.

They have a brand-new book called nine lies that will destroy your marriage and the truths that will save it and set it free is published by Focus on the Family and of course we have that here@focusonthefamily.com/broadcast Greg and Bob welcome to focus hey thank you so good to be with you guys you've been here few times Greg Bob this is your first time first time on the project so good to have you.

Your normally out in Missouri at Branson, helping couples every day right word absolute therein in Georgiana Michigan so I'm all over the place for focus help us talk about hope restored. Just fill in what happens there. People arrive couples arrive Sunday night. Typically yeah it's a it's a program that we have as as you know, for couples that are struggling and generally and pretty severe crisis. They show up for our mainstay which is our group program that show up Sunday night and then there is there there through the day on Thursday and they come often looking for a miracle. Yeah it's so exciting and for those couples who are really struggling. Those that are in great difficulty.

This is the kind of thing.

If you're in that last not in your marriage rope give this a try, as so many couples get turned around in this environment and this program hasn't 80% post to your success rate, meaning 80% of those couples are together and doing better.

97% satisfaction rating that couples come in that the experience exceeds their expectations. 97% in the bottom line is you go way healthier regardless of what happens in your marriage will be a healthier person.

But the best thing is that 80% factor we are saving marriages each and every day in my hats off to both of you Bob and Greg for the great work that the team does there Branson up in Michigan and also in Rome, Georgia so well done.

We hope to be expanding into California right let me practice open you both come from counseling families. Parents were so man, how messed up are your family here. I grew up in the home of getting Gary Smalley succumbed one of the original dues around marriage. He was so good. He was so fun.

I have heard him speak, you know a million times and to see he's one of the very very best want to be with the Lord about four years ago you with what I love is in were for me, the passion for marriage came from his is as a young boy, going to watch him and I was enamored with him up on the stage and from a thousand people on like what is happening.

Why is he up there.

Why are they paying to hear him or what I have to do for free but anyways very confusing, but people would come up and they would you literally give me his big hug strangers would come up and hug me and say thank you for sharing your daddy saved our marriage and in that left such an impression.

And as I got older. What really those stood out and why wanted to follow in his footsteps is because everything that my dad talked about on stage, he really did live out when perfect and we had issues, but I tell you he really really live those things out so wasn't that hit his public persona of him up on stage is one person in it at home. It's a train wreck a disaster does not want to have anything to do with with God with ministry, but that wasn't the case and was fortunate to have a dad who was consistent and real in who he was on stage is who we was so critical especially for Christian leaders for pastors that what people see is what you are and I think anything other than that is hypocrisy actually so Bob, how about your experience, you grew up in Southern California, your mom and dad. I think were in the counseling area.

Yeah, it's interesting the similarities as we got together and started working with us 21 years ago. Is it was interesting to see the similarities and the differences. Unlike Greg, I got my family was broken. My parents got divorced. I think before I was a year old which was a long time ago and divorce was not normal in those days. Not like today. I was kind of an odd ball because I went every other weekend to my dad and my stepmom's house because both my parents remarried and I grew up with two families that were relatively intact. No believers though in the bunch.

I'm the only Christian in the whole bunch and my dad and my stepmom of along the way became therapist and because of where we lived in West Los Angeles. They became therapist of the stars I mean it was you know they they were authors also which was really interesting and had best-selling books and did radio intelligent so forth. But from a secular viewpoint and as a young impressionable boy. I was very impressed kinda idolize my dad and my stepmom for the work they were doing to change people's lives and what was really kind of interesting. I see in hindsight how God kind of got hold of me and prepared me even before I knew him in that I started having some normal teenage issues with my mother and I would go to my father and my stepmother I would complain about what was going on between me and my mom and they decided to help so they started giving me books at like 13 network: a parent effectiveness training which I devoured and if you can imagine how horrible this was as bad news, I read the book and I take it to my mom and I seen you really need to read them excited about that, but it's funny. Years later, I was already married. I was them through the bookshelf one day and I found that book with the different books leave on it so I'm assuming she actually read it, but I kept reading those those books and it started really infiltrating my psyche and I started learning to think psychologically no idea that God was preparing me for this work. I really had no clue, but he was getting me to think differently. Let's turn to the book in and talk about what you discovered in your practices, etc. one is just marriage in general. When you look at the culture, there seems to be because of the I guess the divorce rate in people's disillusionment with marriage the culture generally is pulling back, you have some of the culture saying we need to do away with the nuclear family. I think it's crazy. I think it's the beginning of the problems in the culture that we don't have healthy intact families but which are read of why the culture is pulling back from the institution of family. Where did the institution come from and why is it under attack. You know God created marriage.

So man did not. It was God's gift to us in the ass it's a post and so the evil one. Satan hates marriage hates what it stands for, and I really believe a big part of what's going on in our culture right now is that Satan is so committed to destroy marriage because he fears what our marriage could be when you have a husband-and-wife together figuring out how how can we use this gift to God's given us to serve others to love others. That is one of the most powerful forces on earth. Satan knows that it so he's he tries to create chaos. He he wants couples to buy into lies that they start trying to live out that completely then destroys their marriage. That's what Bob and I see when couples come in for an intensive age the body into lies. They want to. Great marriage. These lies, though exists these myths in they don't get them there at all.

In a and I really believe is because Satan is trying to create that that chaos because he fears what we could be okay, let's get to the try to cover the nine today and tomorrow. I don't know that will get to all nine but if you miss any of the program that you downloaded. John will give those details and met the let's get to the first one but in fact you share the story of Zach and Katie who added to their wedding vows and they lived happily ever after. At their ceremony that fairytale idea. That's the first lie so take a whack at it you know it's interesting that that whole fairytale view of marriage has so infiltrated our Western culture for sure. And the idea when you get married is you're hoping that you know it starts. Once upon a time, and certainly the love that I have right now for my spouse has to be leading toward and they all live happily ever after and happiness. I'm it's it's built into the fabric of the American culture for sure when you think about, you know, the Declaration of Independence, showing where were able to pursue life, liberty, and the and the pursuit of happy and happiness is in a bad thing.

I mean frankly I'm kind of partial to happy and I prefer more the less I'm convinced God wants us to be happy but when you think that happiness is the key that happiness is the goal. You are so set up because obviously God put us here on purpose with purpose and there's a cosmic battle that's going on between good and evil and happiness can't be the primary goal. There's a purpose bigger than have okay but in that where are we getting those signals that the media, what, how come it's not bad to have a bar to be reaching for. I want to happy, joyful marriage.

I think that's okay. What is that break down to where it becomes a lie Greg the lie is that my end and mine is to feel happy versus when when I think about my marriage.

I think about Aaron and I on this grand adventure were on a journey.

My goal isn't to be happy. My goal is to journey in this life with Aaron throughout Alexander move all of that in because if if my goal is happiness, then what happens when were not happy what happens when were in pain and were frustrated and something's going on it so confusing.

As Bob said, then maybe it's me. Maybe she's the problem that I wouldn't say that out loud is that in my mind I'm thinking that but what I what I love when when the goal is to be on a journey with my wife. First Corinthians 728 says that for those who marry, you will face problems minutes straight out of the Bible. We are going to hit these high times in into where we feel joy and we experience happiness working to hit low moments where there's gonna be a lot of pain in what I love is that there is no one else on earth that I'd rather be with on this grand adventure. Not knowing what's around the next corner. What were going to face for me. The goal is growing is growth, not happiness. I want to keep becoming more like Christ. I want I want to be a better husband and so my Outlook is not happiness its growth okay on us journey that reality is that your goal sometimes you gotta say okay I don't feel like being a better husband right now. Yeah, I heard there are plenty of times. I'm sure Aaron would say yeah I experience him that way in in I'm human in their argue to be those moments in I'm to go to those seasons where I'm it's about me. I'm selfish and prideful, but the end of the day. I want to keep growing as an individual and as a husband and having our marriage become a marriage that we are both thrilled with that. So your target trendline of your life as a Christian walk.

You want that trendline to be improving over the course your life that more the fruit of the spirit is who you are. Over time, will we want to help you grow in your marriage, and 1 Great Way for you to do that would be to get a copy of this book 9 lies that will destroy your marriage, written by Bob Paul and Greg Smalley. We got it@focusonthefamily.com/broadcast or call 800 the letter a in the word family. I have Bob let me throw this with you and Greg you can add on the second lie kind of the equation of marriage. What does it mean you mentioned that the typical wedding ceremony which I'm laughing because Jean and I did this, which is the unity candle is beautiful it makes sense. It's right up Scripture. I think that you two shall become one and we did it we had to individually lit candles.

We let the one candle the other candles out together beautiful. Have a tear in my regular I'm glad. Why is that line that the two shall become one, that's right out of Scripture. Yeah that that part is not a lie.

The understanding of what is meant by one is the problem to give it to me. Okay, so when you try and become one with Jean. I've known you guys for a while now and as far as I can see if oneness becoming one is your goal, you two are a failure because every time I see you I see still Jim and Jean right like in the problem that is one of the biggest problems is that that because in English, we use the word one to be multiple things in this case to assume it means the number one were set up to fail.

We can't become the same as one with our spouse.

Oneness scripturally is meant to be unity oneness in spirit and purpose not the same and the other thing is is that each of us were created by God on purpose with purpose and each of us have a unique journey together when you get married, there's me and there's in my case, Jenny, and there's us. You add 1/3 journey and what the problem that I see with the unity candle is what you said happens at the end they blow out the individual candles and when I'm in a wedding everything in me wants to stand up and start shouting, which of course would with a disruptive wedding. My hair and I hate it when because of that kind of stuff I hate weddings. I feel a wedding.

I want to go to my card say you want to hold onto the snowman you hear you saying the blowing it out is signifying that now. The old me is gone we are. Marriage becomes the priority mirrored the marriage becomes the focus the individuals then sort of fade away into the background and all were saying is that all three have to matter, you, your spouse in your marriage, and equally all have to matter in have to be attended to love and I think and I think the idea is to become selfless, more selfless, it's natural for human beings to be selfish.

That's why the Lord said, be more like me and he is selfless right he's giving and I think that's the construct of it right. Bobby had an example with you and your wife where vacations were something like a terrible examination. It is wedding that there's a practical way you could get through this, but have you and us because we are John fundamentally different and after almost 40 years of marriage. We are still fundamentally different, so vacations were a common problem for us because my idea of the perfect vacation is hanging out on the beach doing is close to nothing.

As I possibly can. Jenny is a pedal to the metal kind. Again, everything, do everything, everything okay we before we go on a trip we have to go get the AAA guide and see what all the gems are between point A and point because the more we can do in that amount of time the better. So I had stewardship yeah I end up in a vacation at the end of a vacation feeling like I need a vacation from vacation. I'm so exhausted and Jenny go stir crazy doing it my way. So we were trying to figure out a way to resolve this and we prayerfully found a solution. Let's try this and what we decided to do and this is just one way to work through things but it's where our differences became a blessing we decided to try on a trip to Yellowstone and grand Teton. We we had a road trip for three weeks. It was day on day off day on day of the day on, we packed as much in as we possibly can. The day off. We just chilled and what we found over so fascinating is that both of us can overdo our part to extreme and I can actually under due to the point of boredom and she can overdo the point of exhaustion.

This turned out to be the best vacation we've ever had and we would both ended up refreshed and excited. It was fabulous. That's great.

That's the way it should work all right.

A lot of these love lies seem to be laced with some truth I think were identifying that which can make them kind of hard to distinguish and know what we talk about with unity and becoming one. Seems like the right thing. Hopefully people are understanding your definitions and what the concern is the third love lies. All you need is love. I want to make sure I attribute that to the Beatles. I think I coined that phrase, but what makes that ally. It sounds so good. All you need is love.

Come on Greg is love having the problem is is that when it's how people think and define love Sofer. There's a big group of people to see. Love is all about that passionate feeling that they experience the emotional part of of love and you've got another group that when they think about love. It's that decision me. My father wrote one of his best-selling books was love is a decision so there's gonna be times you don't feel love and you gotta make that decision. So you find this kind of those two camps. It's either that focuses on the emotional feeling part of it or the commitment the decision in sadly they completely miss the truth about love, which is God's love we don't create love God's love and when we begin to understand that there is no part of love that I create in generate. It's not about a feeling it's not just about the commitment it's understanding it that my job is actually to keep my heart open so that God who is love flows through me. That's one of the best things we see happen in intensive is couples begin to really understand that. Okay so maybe part of the problem is that how ice view love like we get all the time. Couples are coming to say why don't I don't feel love anymore towards my spouse and I think that's the end right at that point that's the end of their marriage because the love is gone back and and not tell you the truth is when I'm sitting in that the therapist sure at that point because I understand how love actually works. That's one of the least troubling things. Anybody can say to me because the only reason the love isn't there. At that point, since God is love and it all comes from him is that somehow the top door to their hearts closed and the love is not able come through. Because honestly, if we want to experience the fullness of love for our spouse. All we have to do is ask the Lord to let us see through his eyes and feel with his heart and it will be there in abundance.

Yeah, that's the Golden Nugget right there that's what it's all about Greg. You have a story and sometimes these things can take on small steps. It doesn't have to be something gigantic, although that's good too. But you had a story but did make in the bed that's things seem so simple, but it really hit it ministered to error in your wife's heart. Yeah, my my wife and I've had this ongoing argument over 20 years of marriage, is why do we make it bad. I love the comedian I'm with Aaron.

I'm in the hell of the comedian Jim Gaffigan comparing making a bed to taking your shoes off and tying them. It's like why I wanted to get back into the bed. How I like how I left it in so we've just battled out and I kind of funny when you know if you want the bed made go forward that that's your choice until she had a foot injury and was in a cast and I walked into her bedroom and I watched my precious little height in the cast hop around the perimeter of our bed trying to make it and I said okay this is like sick. There's okay seriously you can injure yourself. It's a bad, let it go in and in the course of that discussion really understanding why that was so important to her and how much that meant to have a bed made.

I finally got it yeah and thus I realize you know that that could even be a part of the way that I sacrifice for that I invest in my wife which is risky that the fourth ally that we see what I can ask about that exactly the sacrifice and the misunderstanding of the definition of what it means, go ahead and describe it yeah I did. I think how sacrifice becomes ally is that we really miss understand that God is created us with such value in my sacrifices actually taking this value that's God's given me in using it as an acid as an investment as a way to invest in. My wife and so recognizing how important that that dad was in heaven at bed made was for her. It gave me a choice of me. I I could either take this investment to God's given me me and actually use that is a way use the time.

Use the effort. Use the energy that it would take to make the bed every day and so that day I told her I said okay I get it. Touching you hop around his bed. I get how important this is. I said, from this day forward. I'm doing that.

Let me turn the table below are four guys sitting at this table and I want to represent Elyse Jane but maybe women listening as well because I think women in this perspective, this is tough for them because they believe II have to sacrifice who I am, for the sake of my marriage and my husband so let's put it in that context from a woman's perspective, that sense of sacrifice. I gave up my career for the family. I gave up this speak to the need to kind of put that in perspective how God sees that and what's healthy and unhealthy with and giving generously is what sacrifice was about, but it's imperative that we recognize who we are in Christ and that for the gift to be of great value what's being given must be of great value.

So to see yourself as less than in any way actually cheapens the gift when you really get the fullness of who you are and how valuable you are and then you take that and you invest sacrificially and somebody else that you've given something of great value your time, your energy, your gifts cool you are and it's imperative that when we sacrifice we give sacrificially it's coming from a place of value, not a place of value list. But let me precious little bit so it help restore your saying literally hundreds thousands of couples.

Yes. How do you prevent that root of bitterness from springing up. We want everybody that comes to really get who they are in Christ and we work hard for them to see this is not about you being less than this is about you being fully who you were created to be spread your wings and soar a great marriage is always one that has room for us to grow into the fullness of who we were created to be and bring all of our gifts to the table. That's a great place to stop for the day and were to come back and cover the other lies in marriage and the truths that will buy things that you free in your marriage. Hey, let me turn to the listeners. I sent the beginning here Focus on the Family we want your marriage to thrive in Christ.

I mean that's ideal if you don't know the Lord.

That's job one. We want to talk to about that would like to introduce you to relationship with Jesus Christ and Dr. Dobson always said and I firmly believe this. The staff here believe it is well we can help you in your marriage but if we haven't talked about your spiritual dimension. Who is the author of marriage. We kind of failed so I want to make it clear that we believe a commitment to Christ is fundamental not only to your marriage but to your life in general.

Obviously into your eternal life, and then from there it's how do you do this well, and we want to help. I know the pandemic is put extra special pressure on some marriages, some are doing well. Given we've had more time to be together but summer fracturing because of that time together and were here for you. Let me also just mentioned that you put the fuel in the engineered focus. So if you haven't supported focus recently.

Maybe I could ask you. I'd like to ask you to consider supporting us and certainly one of the great ways to do that right now is send a gift of any amount will send a copy of Robin Greg's book 9 lies and that will be our way of saying thank you and in addition to that we have some generous friends who have made a match available just a fun way to spur on giving.

So when you give $25. It becomes 50 and together we can help many more marriages so if I can. Let me lean into because the pandemic is hit us here focus to giving is slightly down and we would love to continue to meet a growing need in the marriage and parenting areas and we need your help now you get in touch today are numbers 800 a family, 800-232-6459 online word focusonthefamily.com/broadcast ask for your copy of nine lies that will destroy your marriage. Donate if you can, and we do have counselors here. We can tell you more about restorative pureness body pain in your marriage want that encouragement we've heard from Bob right to come out personally so call us if we can be of help.

Again the number is 800 K word family on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team here. Thanks for listening to Focus on the Family join us again tomorrow for more. The conversation with Greg Smalley and Bob Paul as we once more help you and your family thrive in Christ. With all that's happening in the world right now you may be looking for ways to attain and encourage her family would like to help you do just that by giving a 28 day free trial of the adventures in Odyssey club you can find our back catalog of adventures in Odyssey programs. These exciting episodes are a great way to keep you and your family connected to truth. As you continue to navigate through significant changes to your lives to go to a I/O club to get started on your free 28 days of adventures and ops. That's a I/O club or