Showing Unconditional Love to Your Children

The season of your life are always moving forward single hood marrieds, parenting, and through it all. Focus on the Family is alongside you. With encouragement from a biblical perspective and now we have a new tool that gathers our trusted guidance support together in one place be enhanced Focus on the Family with it you can listen to the Focus on the Family broadcast in danger social media or make a donation downloaded today from the app store for Google play is John Fuller. Please remember, let us know how you are listening to these programs on podcast or website and I remember sitting down with him and just kinda saying I guess I can't come back to the house. You guys don't know I guess you just got sense and put his hand on my shoulder and carry on about wearing Bennett's about where you're going. That's carry trance to choose our guest today on Focus on the Family along with her dad Dr. John Trent. Welcome you to this episode on John Fuller your hostess focus president really talk about the importance of living and giving a blessing to your children, your grandchildren and others in your sphere of influence. John the impacted growing up in fragile families will be: sometimes fatherless homes. It's really taken a toll on the culture over these past several decades I meet many people who have not experienced a blessing from their mom or their dad because of it. They don't know how to blush their own children. Even this morning with reading the prep and reading the book I was up early about 6 AM with Troy ISA toward you remember that time I took them hiking and camping.

I said, and I did a blessing or read on to make sure he caught it and he said we had that I remember it. I thought for sure he would've forgotten it because there's probably eight years old. Now we 17, but it meant something to him and that it is so important to instill and then reinforce with our children the messages of love, acceptance and value and identity in Christ.

Especially for those of us who are trying to raise our kids in a Christian context, and today we have two wonderful guests who are going to talk about how to give that blessing to your children. Dr. John Trent is very well known is been your a number of times. He's a speaker in best-selling author and is the president and founder of strong families.com and his daughter Carrie Trent stage Berg also works as a writer and speaker and she works with him@strongfamilies.com and together they have a newly revised and expanded version of the classic book, which is sold more than a million copies the blessing, giving the gift of unconditional love and acceptance course we have that@focusonthefamily.com/broadcast John Kerry. Welcome back to focus hey, you know, I am looking at the cover of the book the blessing of the corsets, John Trent, Gary Smalley and now carry on there to talk for a moment. If you would about your relationship with Gary Smalley because you both had such a wonderful impact, and you know I'm sure like me you miss him all man and you know it's been almost 3 years since we had Gary go home to be with the Lord and we still get to talk to Norma, we still get a hug and hang out you with Greg as Greg's hair and but that was such an amazing time. I mean, when Gary and I first started I mean picture it's like two auditors work together real fast friends. Yeah, and thank the Lord we had a guy named downtown Terry Brown and Terry ran everything Norma so Gary and I would show up at conferences late usually and but it was really just absolutely unbelievable time, including getting to write books like this that blessing when John set up and over a million sold. You had a way both of you. Really connecting with the audience well again I don't think anybody I be working on a book if I was at a seminar and he was speaking you know inside be back there. I couldn't stay in the same room where Gary was speaking because even though I heard the stories a million times. I would just get outside and literally go out of the sound of his voice to be able to get anything a great storyteller that was really his thing. Okay, let's get into it. What are some of the key components to a blessing you've outlined them in this great book. So what are the yeah well if that hasn't changed the mean one of the things with Carrie coming on board with this work is it's not that the core message changed you know and you're right there's five things when you really think about the blessing and what the world is it you know well every time a parent gave a blessing when Jesus took those kids and put them in his arms and blessed them. Every time a blessing was given. It did, for example, things like this you attached high value to somebody.

Are you familiar with attachment theory and I'm telling you, you talk about right now is been over hundred and 25 studies on how crucial attachment is will the blessing is the Bible's really guide to how do you get connected with people and you sit there and you start off and say were boy I want to attach high-value. I will look at them in a way that they have a special future.

That's the next one. You know that I see something in your life Terry that you might not see right now you know if there were junior high kid in the whole world is wrong or were there just in a tough situation, but we get the chance to attach high-value to help them say man, you've got a special future, you know, I can see it.

I asked God to really help with that with you and then genuine commitment is the third thing that we looked at in that book where you don't just talk about it but you hang in there. III remember my mom, you know, I grew up in a Christian home and I think God for my mom who gave me the blessing even though you know I would could talk my twin brother into doing things but not really smart and quit doing it right. Not only that she's a single parent model single-parent mom and dad was out and I member you know one time. It's like two in the morning and the cops bring me home and now, back then they bring you home okay.

Now today they just tell you yeah but but they so and then they wake up my mom and she's rheumatoid arthritic and she comes down the hall to the morning lives down the hall and the cops yelling at us and you know we are to take a man and all that stuff and I member Jeff and I going in and sit in the table so I go to my mom ago will mom. I guess this means you don't love us anymore and I'm telling you her head snapped up. Should the beautiful blue kind of gunmetal blue eyes and she goes this has nothing to do with love. I will always love you but I am tremendously disappointed in you.

And so I knew right then okay number one I'm grounded again okay right but I also knew I get brought home the two in the morning at least I got one person is crazy about you sooner get near you not to lose that additional yeah I unconditional. There are consequences to your yeah exactly that really talk about that and it's interesting carry. The audience may not have caught this yet, but you are John's daughter. So we got the proof in the pudding here and here and your dad when he was younger fellow and hearing him go through all those kind of crazy things you saw your mom and dad before get to that part of the story that your story you sorry mom and dad modeling this giving blessing and it sounded like almost every day. Some have a blessed you name it started south in the morning with the song that they created it didn't really mind that I the nickname yeah okay with you out and patently started off the day with a blessing need there literally was in a day where I didn't hear that I was laughter valued by that I had a God that was crazy about me to that is so good in fact you related to a special plate that somebody had given you tell the story about the special play came into play when I when both my sister and I were born.

We have a great friend of our family and instead having a baby clothes or something for that. She gave my parents a special plate for each of us and you know if this cute red plate just as you are special today made out of China China and especially not get very breakable compared to other things you let Lisa let us eat off of every thing you know we I in our family that kinda became a way of blessing each other. So whether it was our first day of school or we had a bad day or we finally finished that term paper. We got the special plate and whoever had the special plate everyone around had to go around the table and give that person a blessing and say one reason why they loved and appreciated them just became a way to not only celebrate victories that encourage us when we were really struggling as well. Yeah, that's really great idea never thought of them like 15 that there is John. Another way that you practice blessing carry her other daughter was through storytelling you talking about that you're alluding to it. We didn't example of it back to Carrie because I do think there's a sense in which kids really need to know.

You know with our touch with our words. Those are two other things that are part of the blessing that appropriate touch people are so freaked out today about touch and rightly so. In a lot of ways, but man, you know that hand on their shoulder or that appropriate touch and then saying words you know it's interesting, but you know how flowers bend toward the light. Right now only tell you when you tell a kid or a spouse. You know how valuable they are. It is amazing how even today.

You know it.

So many kids are so lonely. This is one of the most un-parented generations because you just have an iPad and hope for the best entertainment parented. Yes, I could say that will yeah and men just to get them to put down the iPad for second and say hey look at me.

My mom was so graded that you know she would always make me if you look at me in this day and age you know you know Jim Z.

The whole younger millennial's are multitaskers so there talking to you while they're doing their homework while they're watching something you got a conversation going on with friends and so sometimes just slowing things down but Carrie we just told a bunch of this all really started in the backyard and to preface this do not do this at home without patting his like he did right and mom was there to listen why we needed patting that you know we took one of our favorite bears and he attached a bungee cord to it and any and my sister and I walk as far away as we possibly could.

Thinking of the bungee cords really tight, and then let go in there and any velocity on that English not have safety but really what the heart is not what he was down afterwards and just said I want you to know that no matter how far you go you know whether it's a monster from the Lord, you're always attached a lesson were not going anywhere and morphed into something I live, which was every morning from kindergarten through junior high. My dad would drive my best friend Brandon I to school in the morning when you are in town and he would always tell us a bungee bear story and for whatever reason. Bungee bear was always experiencing something that we working a letter at ways we are having a hard time with friends or you know we are afraid of something. Our school is really challenging and really again it was just that picture you know before we got the car he would just remind us you've got parents that are crazy about you and God.

That's crazy about you and were not going anywhere so so good and so many young people need to know that right yeah and it requires a lot of intentionality. That's what we want to encourage parents you can do this you gotta step up and provide that child with the affirmation the blessing you talking about tour listeners will be just say we have a real quick summary of the blessing we got the book by our guests and we also have a free parenting assessment, you can take to gauge where you're at in the relationship with your child all of that@focusonthefamily.com/broadcast care you give an example of what your dad was doing when you were elementary school and junior high that it changed little in high school and your little sophisticated in high school. You're beginning to become more independent. How did your dad try to continue yeah like always makes me cry and he still does this by no, I didn't really start in high school because you know your schedule change as you start driving home as much all of those things kinda morph and so what he would do is, no matter what was going on whether I was a cheerleader. So whether it was a late Friday night football game or out with friends. Whatever it was he'd be waiting up for me when I got home and he'd always have my favorite snack apples and peanut butter and sit at the table and he just asked me questions about my night and you know sometimes I go into it and I would almost kinda drag it because you're going to talk about what happened tonight. Like the time I think asked to prom by every single time I went to bed knowing well like that was so incredibly helpful not only to process it, but to know that you know my dad love me enough to wait up to have apples thinking about her with me what I want to dig into now though is a little bit more of your story.

Because people hearing this. Some parents are going is not nice the John Trenton.

His daughter had such wonderful relationship and he blessed her every day in my state, always in my right and it is good. I'm not.

I'm not trying to signal in a kind of negativity in that way, but you struggled. We went down to college and had some valleys. I would guess say in and I think the reason I want to go. Here's because of so many listening parents of prodigal's that they did all the things maybe different things that your mom and dad did and their kids aren't there with the Lord in their in their 20s and their frantic parents, what we do, we thought we did everything right. According to the formula of how to raise children speak to that dark challenge in your life and what have the blessing isn't a formula yelling there just isn't a formula X faith relationship supply. There is no formula and while I did hear every day that I had value in a God that was crazy about me. The Lord felt really abstract and I was watching other people interact with him and I just couldn't figure out what how does it even applied as you can tell from the practical and a very practical person and I wanted to see and I just couldn't and so that led me on a journey of trying to find value outside of the Lord in my family which really led and it was probably almost 15 years of just I don't know about this thing and it wasn't that I ever didn't believe that God was real. I just didn't think it applied and so, long story short, I ended up eloping shocking my whole family. Not the best thing to do and you have a data marriage and family ministry and I ended up in an abusive relationship and it was really through that that I realize that God was real and he rescued me out an incredibly miraculous way of literally showing up when I called out for handing and real not to stay too long on that and it's in the book and you can read more about it. But one night he got really violent and he left. And normally he got another room and play video games and it was kind like nothing ever happened that that particular evening. He laughed and I dismember crying out and think that if your real just get me out, and without exaggeration. 10 minutes later there was a knock on the door and someone had a safe place for me to go stay and you know I didn't. That wasn't the end, you know, there was still in process of having to go through that that was the moment where I realized God is listening maybe does care about me personally by on Leno in terms of kids that have walked away. I mean, you and mom went through a lot. I put you through a lot and then even when I got out and I'll never forget you found out. Not for me but through somebody else a whole slew of things that I had just done that were incredibly heartbreaking and I remember sitting down with him and just kinda saying I sigh. I guess I don't I can't come back to the house. You guys don't you know, I guess you're just done sense and he just put his hand on my shoulder and just said Carrie it's not about where you been, it's about where you're going and you gave me a blessing and told me that God wasn't done with me that you and mom went down and NI doesn't mean that they didn't have boundaries that didn't mean that it didn't take time to restore that trust in that relationship did, but that really unleashed need to be able to say you know what maybe there is hope for me here, especially not broken place coming out of abuse so beautiful. I appreciate you sharing the pain in your life but you know what that brings me to tears thinking about is how we try to hide that and that's exactly what the Lord wants to lift up. That's where he shines right, it's not when were doing so well and were projecting something perfect it's one were broken love that Scripture people hear me say a lot. He was close to the brokenhearted and saves those crushed in spirit. And let's run to it than right and that was your crushing of spirit moment yeah but Johnny turned you because of mom and dad listing right now. Maybe their daughter, their son is still in the valley and they did all these things they listen to Focus on the Family they heard Dr. Dobson say dirty discipline there. You and Gary talking about great parenting approaches biblical parenting part.

They applied it, but my 26-year-old is not with the Lord now and we don't have a great relationship and I can even imagine picking up the phone and saying can I say blessing over you now. It won't work.

There's too much pain. We do well you know number one is I am so grateful that I did have a model of a mom that was your picked up by the police or you just doing other things that are just way out there man she'd never gave up on me and then I also really believe, and I think this is huge. It all is you Helen Hebrews. You don't foresee himself who said Hebrews 13 five. I will you have Jesus as I will never leave you nor forsake you. Well I think you know that's exactly even when Carrie was at the York as we lost her. I can't even explain you how tough it is a mean parents know that are in that situation but you know she'd move around. They would you try to call you are always doing stuff on the phone she would even do you know the FaceTime stuff because then you might see something and you just knew they were hurting and I question unlucky and ironing. I'll never forget that moment where after I started healing her. He said this is the first time he looked me in the eye and three year yeah well so I think you know man once you get Jesus's love in your life and it's so hard to do but man he would look at Levi and see Matthew you know you'd look at us all and see Paul and so the thing that I Feeling with Carrie and praying about was okay.

Carrie has a special future. So I never gave up on her and neither did Cindy named hopeful. Yes, that's what it doesn't mean then that we didn't subsidize the behavior. We didn't do all that.

But man, I'm telling you it was just really tough yet.

The lineup almost every day what that little widow woman and go okay. I would just keep praying and someday she's going to change in God, you know, miraculously, in our case, but you don't give up his more dominant still trust you. Let me ask you in on the final minutes here. Could you speak to parents. I mean, you went through that just speak directly to those parents who are struggling. Yeah, what would you say to them, and I think there's really two things. I mean, the first is that you have to have grace for yourself and realize that this is in. I think for me, especially. I didn't realize until after how much I hurt people. It wasn't about then, and I wasn't doing it to hurt them. I was caught up in my own heart, and I think when sometimes when someone is so broken that they don't realize that impacts I think have grace for yourself, know that it's not your fault, and that your kid is what they're doing. That's hurtful. It may not be intentional and I think the second part of that really is that God will never stop pursuing them, and he never quit with me.

He's not going to quit with your kid. Let me ask you to about the guilt because I think one of things parents go through. It's this constant guilt that what did I do wrong where did I miss you and that you know frankly in the marriage. They might be pointing at each other parents can you speak to that to the parent about you know your behavior was not your mom and dad's behavior right and we are able to separate the night until later. At the time and again, especially with abuse.

It was such a unique situation where you eat when you're in that really can only focus on that situation and you know I need and you might even be able to talk a little bit more about what you and mom went through and when I came back they never rehash that with me. We had some conversations about it over the years, but probably saw okay yeah you and mom you really struggled.

But even you guys went to counseling and got help to really kind of realize this isn't you are not responsible for the decisions of others.

Whether it's your kid or not you are not responsible for their decisions.

That is their choice as hard as that is to accept you and just, you know, again I pray right now for every parent that is feeling like there is a bad dream you know and just it's really hard to believe someday were ever to walk out of this and in some cases kids don't come back. You were so grateful I'm in with for the have carrion you to rebuild your leadership with your sister with your you know mom you know the real. I hope people don't hear this was like well there was no magic no no magic yet but blood I cannot even tell you how much this whole concept of the blessing help because you if you guys seen the new Mr. Rogers and okay you gotta go see it, you know, but it's really the picture of a guy that's really broken with the dad left and then he's an investigative reporter and he's going to show Mr. Rogers.

As you know, wrong as a fraud and it changes his life just the reality of love and acceptance and there's an amazing study scanning profits in his does basically visual perception studies. So what here's what he would do is he would take somebody and put them right next to right at the base of a really high hill really high heel okay and you got your all hooked up and they're measuring everything and now guess what they would do to is they bring somebody over that you are closely connected with so if it was a spouse that hold your hand if it was a kid that have you put your hand on their shoulder okay and now they measured what was going on in their gonna climb that hill with you that really high hill and it is unbelievable what happens that you're still climbing a really high hill when you're doing it alone. It's like Mount Everest Boone you've got somebody with you and that trying to say is man. You know what, less that kid. They may be facing this giant hill, but you're saying were doing this with you and it's amazing how that can really impact the ceiling you dad and I wasn't accepting any of what they were getting that it mattered.

And I'll never forget. There was one time one of the few times that we kinda were face-to-face during that season and he wrote me a list of truths about myself that God said about him and him and my mom believed in him and my mom both signed a and I still have it in my wallet and you know in that moment you might not be ready to receive it.

But those truths matters.

So even if your kids really struggling and if you're not communicating write it down for yourself because maybe someday you can get that to them the time and and doubtless you still spoke truth about what you saw Melissa. We've got to wrap up unfortunately but let's go to the website I want talk a bit more about how you do the blessing and so for the listeners. For those on YouTube go to the website and will continue the conversation for a little bit more but thank you so much for being with us. Thank you for this powerful instruction on how to provide a blessing to your child and the carrier. Thank you for being and I know but for being the example of how we can work even with the valleys you know if it works to God's plan will be joy and peace and hope in all of it.

So thank you both for us to put it click blessing overlord.

I just thank you for carrion her sister and her mom in the journey and pray for each person. That's maybe going through some similar so thank you for having a special future for us and in the Lord, for we just do attach great value on her and pray a blessing on her own.

Amen amen or thanks to John and Carrie for joining us today for Focus on the Family and admissions resources earlier, including the great book the blessing, giving the gift of unconditional love and acceptance. You'll find that that free parenting assessment I mentioned, and of the extra conversations that will continue with your in a moment. Our contact info is 800 a family is her phone number 800 K in the word family and online you can find these resources and make a donation if you can@focusonthefamily.com/broadcast, and John, let me say that when people make that donation I will say thank you by sending a copy of the blessing to them.

Know your gifts are so important to helping focus continue this very important work of strengthening family relationships were hearing from moms and dads every day you tell us, were a lifeline or a lifesaver for their family.

And that's very humbling.

It's God that's doing the work and he uses you to be part of it get in on the summer matching gift opportunity some generous friends focus are going to double your contribution when you call today. So for $25 becomes 50 and so on. So please help us help others today. Let's do this together and again will say thank you by sending you a copy of the blessing do that online focusonthefamily.com/broadcast or when you call 800 K in word family on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team take you for joining us today for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back.

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