The Search for a Godly Spouse (Part 1 of 2)

My mom had mental illness. I was going outside to really understand and she didn't ever have a diagnosis until oh, 17 so a lot of things are happening in my childhood that I had to grow up with and Odyssey, which is always a comfort for me and always something that I could go back and I try to help make my world think that Lori had a tough child caring for her mother pretty much on her own but she found comfort and hope through Focus on the Family's radio program for kids. I do know why I like my head of what and without God and without a dark place on Jim Daly.

Together we can encourage more children like Rory especially during this pandemic gift today Focus on the Family.com/strengthen families when I came to America for the first time in 1972 I came in search of a girl I knew the girl was proud that I tracked her down to Michigan to the shores of Western Michigan founder there amongst a bunch of young American fellows muscles and places that I did and places there's nothing like true love tell you of your comfort zone. Pastor Elster bag and he's our guest today on Focus on the Family Hostess books president Dr. Jim Daly and I'm John John. As you know, I've had the opportunity to get out and meet many of our listeners and supporters over the years and many of them are single there either never married, divorced or possibly widowed, and if that's you, let me remind you that you are part of focus his family for sure because were all part of the family of God. So far, single friends of all ages.

We have a very encouraging message from Pastor Elster bag someone whom I respect so highly he's going to share with the six things to consider if you're looking for a potential spouse and is basing his recommendations on the principles found in the New Testament, particularly first Peter chapter 3 is such a knack for weaving biblical truths and amusing really engaging stories of many of those are about his courtship time with his wife Susan was so fun to listen to the course.

I love his Scottish accent.

Elster was born in Scotland and lived in the United Kingdom for the first half of his life. Let me also say that if you're not single. You probably have friends who are and if you have children, they certainly will be searching for spouse.

Someday, probably sooner than you think, that's for sure.

This presentation Elster is speaking to some college students at Cedarville University.

As you said you and these biblical principles really apply to every stage of life Elster bag is the senior pastor at Parkside church in Cleveland Ohio and has a radio program called truth for life. Here's Elster bag on today's episode of Focus on the Family is me and my unbelievable privilege to be married now for the last 27 years we celebrate our anniversary on 16 August this year as we do every year and I may say more about that later but probably not to say certain things to you this evening when you think about relationships, et al. in every relationship. Our relationship with God must come first, and indeed unless we have a meaningful viable increasing relationship with the Lord Jesus ourselves not being kept afloat by our family structure, not relying on the temperature of the Cedarville campus, but our own personal walk with God practicing the presence of the Lord Jesus memorizing his word being in it daily, sharing it regularly, then we really should go no farther than that.

In terms of developing relationships because it is in direct relationship to our walk with Christ that everything else falls into line that is particularly so when we think about relationships with the opposite sex. We should never assume that friendship is going to be more than friendship when it begins.

And by the same token, we should recognize that the absence of a friendship with someone of the opposite sex does not determine our significance for our meaning in life we need to recognize that it is no good thing that the Lord will withhold from those whose walk is blameless. If we are not involved in a dating relationship.

We do not have special other person. There's no need for panic. God makes everything beautiful in his time and to be attached to someone of the opposite sex may actually be God's best for you tonight. It may actually be God's very best for you for always. But let us assume since the Bible lays it out as the normal pattern of life that each of you as yet is not married, is planning on being Mattie and therefore you're going to be faced with crucial decisions as you go forward you're going to have to decide where you're going to take advice and whether you listen to those who love you most and care for you the best of all funeral relationships. If in any in life are neutral. You remember that from high school.

There were people in his company was easy to be good.

There were people in whose company was easy to be back. That is true not only of fraternal relationships, but it is definitely true with those of the opposite sex and when we make friends with the opposite sex. It is important that we take into account the way in which others view those friendship. I would go so far as to suggest you tonight that I believe in arranged marriages but I think I'm quite close to the idea because it is always struck me as very strange.

Children grow up entirely dependent upon us. They want to know whether they should attend this function of that function whether they should apply to this school in the earlier days whether these shoes are right with these treasures or whether this looks good with these heroes or whether my hair looks good. Here are over there, whether you like this color on me now that you're just dying under the weight of all the decisions that you have to make in order to help you chart your course and then all of a sudden out of the blue. You show up at the front door on the arm of someone I don't even know called Rodney who is Rodney and then I see in your eyes. This strange glaze Luke as you look up and Rodney the look in my eyes is not glaze piercing that was to his mom wants what sizes shoes are with every season starts tonight. I want to know everything about because as a father that I care for my girl's and this seems to without signs that was waiting I develop a speech impediment is. My mother died when I was 21 of my sisters was 15.

The other was 11 and so they grew up through their adolescent years without a mom, and certainly I could never be a mother but I found myself fulfilling a role that was not done normal role for an elder brother and I took far more interest in the friendships that my sisters were establishing and I think would be normal for the ordinary elder brother. Although I think it was a good pattern and I would recommend it to every elder brother and there were occasions when there was tears send argumentation and the banging of bedroom doors. As I explained to my sisters this guy is a jerk you want to have nothing to do with them. I know who is seen him around.

Get rid of and he sent me roses yes already put them in the garbage. Don't worry about and in the providence of God. I introduce both my sisters to the husband there both happily married one in Scotland one in England. I picked them out almost of course they like them to Linda and they been living with while but if you find that in developing a friendship.

It isolate you from your immediate circle of friends.

All of a sudden they don't want to come and sit next to you in the cafeteria because you're with him or they find you standing outside the restroom door waiting for her. If you find a nice begins to isolate you from others and from Christ and from your family then you probably without question on the wrong track, and so it is imperative that in all of these things we come to the issue slowly with realistic expectations and without anticipating marriage in any of its aspect in the development of friendship. So often I listen to young people tell me what I know that once were married will be able to take care of that, whatever that is when I know that he's got a little problem there. I know she's a little difficult there, but we will be able to sort that out. Listen most people on their dating relationships are on their best behavior and so you have to be very very careful. You need to see this potential spouse in a variety of different situations. For example, you need to see what he's like when he is late for an appointment because of congested traffic and your driving in the car with him.

You need to see what he or she is like visiting a hospitalized level I you need to see what he is like in the way that he treats his mother and speaks to her and whether he looks into her eyes when she asked him a question you need to see the way in which she brushes her hair from her forehead when her father asked the question. The dining room table. You need to see what she's like playing with children in the street being around their parents with their regular friends participating in competitive sport's handling is stressful situations and the tragedy that I face as a pastor is in finding couples coming to me to be married and never seen each other in any of the situation they got kind of hurry up offense stirred by their emotions. Few by their glands there ready to be Marion's very often they haven't decided what actually met in person or whether there marrying a body, Western society is obsessed with externals facial features.

Figure muscular composition way hairstyle and so much more.

Most magazines even Reader's Digest as they are now managed to have an article somehow or another related to our bodies, even if it is only the hell image doesn't matter more than character. Therefore, it is vitally important when you think these issues through that you're asking yourself the question is the attraction that I feel this fellow is the attraction that I feel for this girl motivated primarily by physical instincts not want to suggest for a moment that that is some marginal consideration, but beauty is for all of us in the eye of the beholder. Mother may be shared perceptions but we often have very clear understandings of what we regard as lovely and so the more significant questions don't have to do with shape and size and structure but we need to be asking questions like do I enjoy having a conversation with her. Can this fellow carry on an intelligent conversation. This he or she have a growing interest in spiritual things or do I get the impression that they are simply saying that because they know that it is important to me, my young friends tonight. Listen these questions get to issues that are in June.

Age takes its toll on all of us. Physical beauty is passing to invest in a person is simply a physical package is to set ourselves up for a dreadful fall because the package will begin to sag and will begin to group over time.

The law of gravity is the law of gravity that is only so much you can do to keep it all when it needs to be some of us never ever had enough to be in the first place.

I so sad my hair. James really wears a blue denim shirt find it in an old and old fashion store somewhere, but it was long and they drag me through the water like a dead dog much of their hilarity rid of this cartouche whippersnapper 139 pounds soaking wet, ugly little creature that he is coming over here from American. Then they took me on dirt bikes. That was a bad decision on my part and I arrived at a place that I don't know what I know.

The fellows got on the front.

The girls were on the back and all the Michigan dunes. So I did what they did. I got on the front.

The girl that on the back. They all took off.

I went about 100 yards and ditched it in the sand with the girl.

I can bore you with the story.

I dreadful hayfever. The kind of hayfever. It produced horrendous nosebleeds.

I ditch the bike in the sand. My nose began to bleed the hayfever began to go. The blood began to congeal with the sand on my face. The shoulder of his girl, did I I was. I know now I have to go all across the Atlantic Ocean and leave this girl in the dirtbike and everything else behind. Sometimes we write in the car together now all these years later I look across Saturn I say my mind my it certainly could have been physical.

I actually met her when she was 13, I decided really quickly that if ever. This girl would grow up around her eyes and I got a chance, I would marry her. I'm never ever wanted to marry anyone else from the age of 16 I wrote letters to for seven years. Four of those years across the Atlantic Ocean. So for those of you are doing English. Never doubt the power of the pen all those American water skiers to the Scotsman's pen should be that which comes from. Time spent in front of a mirror, but rather time spent in front of the mirror of the word of God and man. The biggest thing that you can bring to the possibilities of marriage is the character of integrity in the life of spiritual maturity. What I would like to do in the remaining time that I have is help you by suggesting what you should look for if you're planning on getting a husband and then if I have time I'll tell you what you should look for in a wife is just my opinion and it's really quite a good opinion as I think you number one or should I look for in a husband.

The man should be committed to growing in his relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ committed to growing in his relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ. Do not take on a fellow as a discipleship project. Don't take on a husband who is merely mastered Bible trivia look for a husband who is serious about growing in grace and in the knowledge of the Lord Jesus Christ.

Imagine that he's going to be in part, your shepherd and your guy that is going to be the spiritual leader of your whole that he is going to be the nurturer of your children together and think about that long and hard before you sell out for anything else.

Secondly, husband should be an individual of obvious integrity. If he cheats on the golf course. Beware anyone the cheats on the golf course has the potential for cheating anywhere. If you find them in an employer situation fudging the issue in his sales calls telling somebody that he can get the product to them in two weeks when he comes afterwards and tells you that actually he knew that he couldn't get in there for weeks, but he said that because he didn't want to lose the sale on the day he tells you that you need to have a long serious conversation with him and if he seeks to undergird his deceptiveness with argumentation, you should probably kiss them goodbye.

No matter how some men try to justify their use of untruth. Those lines should serve as neon signs to prospective brides or makes you ever think that if a person would lie to a customer to a boss to a teacher to appear and he wouldn't also lie to his wife. You need a husband who is honest to the core to a fault. Thirdly, you need to look for a husband who is able to lead and boldly to leave boldly.

Not everyone is going to marry the high school quarterback of the class president. That's not the kind of leadership to which I'm referring but every girl needs to look for the kind of man who can think for himself who can weigh options and who can make good decisions. No person always makes good decisions. Everybody makes mistakes many times. Good leadership demands a willingness to acknowledge that I made a mistake and to turn around and make a second decision and thinking of a man who is able to leave boldly. We ought to say very quickly that a girl should never settle for leadership that is selfish, bombastic and domineering, the leadership of the Lord Jesus Christ the leadership as espoused by the apostles is a leadership that is marked by an attitude of servant hood and attitude that submits to the leadership of others and that is of vital importance to the flip side of it, of course, is simply that a young woman should be more than a little concerned if the fellow that she's dating has to check with his mother all the time on the phone my mom about that and always trying to decide is where you should buy the lot. The medium T-shirt in gap you know you got a problem. There and fight Wiley's choosing just slip off ever so quietly into the mall and don't ever come back if you need another where to decide between the medium in the large and the navy blue T-shirt you got a problem trust me let somebody else fix it.

Forget the project it's a bad idea. You heard it from your uncle Allie will in today's episode of Focus on the Family. You can hear the rest of the message that will about finding a godly mate from good old uncle Allie Pastor Elster big next time. I really appreciate the biblical truths that ouster big sharing with all of us.

You know you can actually consider this message in two ways. First, what you should look for in a potential spouse and secondly, what qualities you can be developing in your own Christian character so that you are attractive to the person when they meet you, we often don't think about that.

What will a potential spouse seeing you that he or she is attracted to and for Jean and I there were so many great qualities. I loved about her. Her beauty both externally and internally. Her sense of humor.

Her godly heart and she really had a desire to be that godly woman, and that is what sold me on pursuing her with great gusto.

I might add in those qualities of hers have continued to be a blessing in our marriage, and you know here Focus on the Family we do want to help marriages thrive in Christ, we seen that the recent shelter in place orders did cause some stress and a lot of relationships and now many of those couples are reaching out to Focus on the Family for help and we're grateful to be here. Our counseling team is working diligently to return those calls and were referring many couples to our hope restored intensive experience, so can I gently ask you to partner with us to help these marriages together we can help these husbands and wives have a relationship that is better than ever and here's just one example of how couples are responding to. Hope restored. Anna wrote our family has been so blessed by Focus on the Family. My husband and I were in a desperate spot in our marriage and we were headed toward divorce. We attended hope restored and it was a wonderful experience. And now, our marriage has a very strong foundation. We learn to communicate in a whole new way. We were blessed to receive a scholarship. So I'm donating today to Focus on the Family to thank you for restoring our marriage. That is a terrific Assyria and God works in such miraculous ways through hope restored fortified couples and we've said this before June 4-5 couples save their marriage is doing great.

Two years after their experience at hope restored. So in some ways Anna's note is fairly typical of what we hear from people that is John and it's amazing to see what the Lord is doing through hope restored in Michigan, Missouri, and Georgia. There's those three locations for people to access in our team. There are working hard to keep each location sparkling clean for the safety of the guests we've reopened and things are going well and that's just one aspect of the work Focus on the Family is doing to save marriages and to help those marriages to thrive when you make a donation of any amount today I want to send your copy of Alastair Beggs book called lasting love. How to avoid marital failure.

I know it's going to be an encouragement to you and the book addresses many of the same points. The pastor big made in the broadcast on what to look for in a potential spouse.

It also covers how to prevent or cure the deterioration of an existing marriage.

It really is a great resource for everyone. Call us for your copy and donate as you can are numbers 800 the letter a and word family.

800-232-6459 or just look for the link in the episode notes and when you're with us online. Be sure.

Look for helpful articles so long with that list that Elster is working from the qualities of a godly spouse. Next time Elster provides some great advice for men. We need to look for a wife who possesses beauty that is deeper than the skin deeper than the skin a wise fellow looks for a woman who possesses a natural radiance rather than a glow that comes from a bottle on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team here. Thanks for listening to this Focus on the Family podcast. Please take a moment to and leave a rating which helps others find this great content to be sure to tell a friend to listen in as well. I'm John Fuller inviting you back next time. As we once more help you and your family thrive in Christ by this Jim Daly with Focus on the Family if we've learned anything during these turbulent times that all human life has intrinsic value more the care and protection that includes life in the womb.

That's why at this pivotal time we are standing up to help the world see life. Join the movement to end abortion and love every part text heartbeat 72,000 heartbeat 72,000