Embracing God's Desire for Your Marriage (Part 2 of 2)

I can't do this anymore I can do this.

Eli describes the day. His wife had her suitcase packed ready to walk away from their marriage and I was all about know my my obsession, which was of the time being and of his career and his dream job that I had one for years but try to do that with an addiction in going where the good news is that Eli's journey toward helping healing begin with our podcast Focus on the Family help me in my marriage. Probably exact point in time that I needed.

I'm Jim Daly working together we can rescue more marriages like he lives and when you donate today. Your gift will be double. Learn more@focusonthefamily.com/strengthen family or call 800 a family. Most of us get married for the time to enjoy the celebration and thankful for those we don't deserve them as much as we get on those are wonderful parts of marriage. But there are other seasons of marriage that while I would never choose them and why won't enjoy them. There are lessons to be learned. God is revealing himself to me. He's strengthening us he's taking us through a process and he's helping us all even if you're in a rough season of marriage. Right now God can be and probably is working all things together for your good and with that perspective in mind, walk me to another Focus on the Family with focus president and author Jim Daly I'm John Fuller I think we can all relate to Gary Thomas's comment about wanting the good parts of our marriage but we want to run from the pain. And no one complains about the good times of marriage we all enjoy that even though we didn't do anything to deserve the good parts of its much harder to see how God is using our marital challenges to draw us closer to him and so we've asked Gary Thomas back for a second day to help us understand more completely. This concept of how God wants to use your marriage to make you holy more than to make you happy yeah and if you missed the last program. The first part of this conversation, download it or get the CD from us@focusonthefamily.com/broadcast. You can also make a donation while you're there to allow us to continue making strong marriages possible through programs like this one that Gary Thomas is the author of a number of books including the bestseller sacred marriage, which she gives us the basis for the discussion today. Gary and Lisa have been married for more than 30 years and have three adult children. They live in Houston, Texas where Gary is a writer in residence at Second Baptist Church. Gary, let me say welcome back to Focus on the Family. Thank you Gary, you know, there's a common statement were going to hear, even from Christians where people think that if the marriage is hard. They must've picked the wrong person and that you put that in context where there's day after day, grinding friction, then were just not on the same page and I'm more mature than this other person spiritually or whatever might be said in the quietness of one's heart talk directly to that lie that I believe is coming right from the enemy of our soul to say you didn't pick the right person and that's why your marriage is in such a mess.

It's one of the most brutal and effective lies of Satan. I believe has told to this generation that if we pick the right person marriage is supposed to be easy and I think what would sacred marriage. First came out. Those were the two things that resonate with so many people. The one that we talked about how God designed marriage to make us holy even more than make us happy.

But the other thing that created some conversation is been fodder for bloggers and whatnot. Is this notion that marriage is difficult and I was even asked to debate on this last year when they had a national conference and he said we don't want to overstress it and whatnot. So preparing for that debate. I thought I meant to get a little ammunition years, I was speaking at a conference where there were a thousand people, 500 married couples had them all stand up said I want you to remain standing if your marriage proved to be easier than you thought it would be five couples were left standing dominant English major, but I can still do that math.

5/500. That's 1% was actually less than that because afterwards, a couple spoke to my wife and myself and said Gary we have a confession to make, and said with that said, well, were one of the couples stood up since it wasn't true know it's true. But we've only been married 10 days is probably less than 1%. And I say this not to scare off the singles, but to help the married people do not freak out when your marriage proves to be difficult. The cultural mindset is, you must've picked the wrong person. If your marriage is difficult. It just means your spouse is still alive. We talked in the previous broadcast about how we all stumble in many ways that's James 328 can't be easy to be married to somebody who stumbles not just occasionally. But the Bible says in many ways we shouldn't expect it to be easy.

And then you have little people you create kids who stumble in many ways that's not supposed to be easy. But here's one not shy from mentioning that the best things in life are usually really difficult. I'm not musical but I love music, but I know it's hard. I've seen stories that talk to people to the blisters of the calluses they have to get that years of practice to masterpiece and yet music hits me like almost nothing else, I'm so glad people go through that difficulty getting out degree where you're standing or something can be so difficult to do, but it's a glorious thing when you've got it done and so I think this every time I watch the Olympics every four years you know all of the struggles all of the practice and yet we all revel in it, because we see somebody operating at such a high level becoming like Christ isn't easy to people building a family together.

Building a marriage together conquering their selfishness, conquering their fears opening up to intimacy and then becoming one. It's a glorious thing. It's a wonderful thing. It feels transcendent but is not easy. We have to die to the sin that pushes us apart. We have to die the addictions because will cherish the addictions instead of each other and we have to learn to be understanding and want to serve each of those none of us do any of that naturally that's super natural, but if we know it's difficult going and then we start to sweat. We start to get frustrated when we start to get tired instead of freaking out. Just double down. This is the road I have to travel to get to a Really Good Pl., Gary. I appreciate that ballast to look at our spouse in a way that isn't negative but positive. Even if he or she is causing us pain and takes a mature person and in fact, some people feel like the spouse may be holding them back from achieving something greater in their life that it's if I had a better spouse would be in a different place in this life and in the book. I think you use Abraham Lincoln as an example and I love that there were often thinking of Abraham Lincoln purely in a political context, keeping the country together and getting through the Civil War and the leadership that he provided you kind peel it back and talk about his relationship with his wife. What did you see there that gave you a different perspective. There is a poll on C-SPAN that ranked our nation's most effective presidents and in that pole. Abraham Lincoln was chosen as our most effective president ever.

But what cut my eyes, I'd seen a different pole that ranked the first lady's and guess was at the very bottom married think it she was by all accounts an extremely contentious woman reckless with their spending and vicious temper as she had an argument with Lincoln. She just couldn't let it go. She could come many be talking to heads of state. She would throw a drink in his face and just walk out and he's trying to do these delicate negotiations and he's got this wife ultimately literally was confined to an insane asylum. At the end of her life, so, so she was slipping and yet Lincoln was as committed to her as a husband could be one salesman was so appalled at the way been treated by Mary. He went up to the Oval Office to complain that you can imagine it was a different day when you could literally knock on the door of the Oval Office, but you could back then and so he did and Lincoln invited them in and the man listed his complaint linkages nodded knowingly and he finally stands up, puts his hand on the man's shoulders and said, you can endure for 15 minutes. What I've endured for 15%. If that's what he says I know what you're saying is true. But guess what, you get to leave here today I'm going to stay and be married to this woman and then I look back and see how improvidence God might've presented this marriage to Lincoln to help him get ready because we often look at Lincoln. Now, with the understanding of hindsight but when Lincoln was negotiating the Civil War.

He was about as unpopular a politician is there's ever been.

He was lambasted by the editorials he was called things that are just abhorrent today that I wouldn't even mention on the radio right now that even it. Some of the moments when he shine the brightest when he delivered the Gettysburg address when editor scoffed at him and said, let the dead go bury the dead.

Thinking he's politically dead so yeah you should just go bury dead people because he has no political future and Lincoln thought he was politically dead as well. They found in his papers after he been assassinated where he'd made plans. If this was in 1864 when he had the reelection coming up and he admitted in his journal. I don't see any way that I'm going to be reelected as president but Lincoln had this mystical sense that God created them with this mission to preserve the experiment called democracy. It was being tested. There was by no means guaranteed. And so I look back in and I could see God's providence.

How does a man keep perseverance in working to fight this war to an end is gonna cost me reelection people ridicule me they call me a murderer or a butcher.

All of this word is a man get that tenacity that commitment that perseverance to keep fighting a war that's made him so unpopular and it is my theory that a man who would put on a difficult marriage would probably put on a difficult vocational challenge that you could almost see God. Looking ahead in his providence and how do I keep get Abraham Lincoln ready I know is going to be president.

I know the countries get to go through Civil War.

Had I given that character hello Mary is very contentious woman that any man would want to leave and yet Lincoln was faithfully married to her. And the point is often that while God has a mission for every one of us. Sometimes our most difficult relationships are the very tools he uses to give us the character so we can succeed in that mission. Gary in our wedding vows. We talk about what we want to do at the appropriate moment for better or for worse, till death do us part in sickness and in health. It's almost like the corporate mottoes were here to serve you.

Then you go to the window and say hey could you help me and they go now that's a different window. We say these things but do we really believe them and when you look at the culture.

This difference between a marriage license being a contract versus a covenant.

Let's explore that a little because of a contract says if you don't perform up to my expectation as outlined in the in the contract.

Then I get to break the contract you have allowed me to walk away. We treat marriage today, somewhat like that in the fact that you have not kept me happy or you have not fulfilled my dreams or I am not feeling connected to you emotionally. Therefore, you broke the contract and I'm walking away. It's not what God is saying when it comes to marriage marriages. A covenant describe what that covenant is supposed to be like me give an example of how that played out in one marriage Marty entered marriage with several long-term relationships broke up before she finally got married and so she had this notion in her mind that that's what a relationship is you have infatuation you have fun times you go through difficult times you break up and it's awful. So she got married to strong believer and they had some financial issues that came up and they just couldn't agree and the tension Building. They went to counseling everything. It just wasn't resolved and she found herself mourning the death of her marriage before even happened because that's what it happened throughout her life. Have fun go through difficult time you break up and it's awful and she's kinda mentally was going there until one night, her husband did something so wonderful, so Christian he wrapped his arms around her and he said Marty you need to know no matter what we decide or don't decide I'm never going to quit on this marriage, even if we have to live with this tension for the rest of our lives. I will never leave you in his Marty recounted that to me.

She had tears in her eyes, and I asked her how did you get resolved and she almost lasting. I don't remember what she remembers was her husband's covenant faithfulness, even if this is never resolved were in this together we will deal with this tension. The rest of our lives, and that such a picture of what the Lord is said to Israel in that context, the Old Testament, almost verbatim, the same words I'm not going to leave you but you have really treated me poorly I'm in the Lord does say that at one point that your Israel is like a wayward child in our wayward spouse talk about their relationship.

What is the Lord using that analogy in the Old Testament. What is he want us to understand about ourselves relationship with him how that needs to be a similar relationship to her spouse. This greatly broaden my understanding of marriage. When I began to compare marriage to God's relationship with Israel nisi times with God's relationship with Israel where you can almost call infatuation. I think when Solomon dedicated the temple.

It's like this infatuated lovefest where Israel is saying you'll always be our God will only worship you and God is saying to Israel you will always be my people always have a representative David on the throne.

If you ever send just pray toward this temple a forgive your sins will make everything right.

It's really that stage where both parties are thrilled to be in a relationship but you don't have to read far into the Old Testament to rise didn't stay like that. There were times of anger and frustration when God would discipline Israel and Israel would be frustrated with God and God would be justifiably angry with Israel. There were times of infidelity in spite of Israel's promise to be faithful.

We know they were anything but it's interesting as in the Old Testament, it doesn't describe Israel as breaking some precept uses the language of adultery that God felt like he was watching his wife chase after other lovers and then there's these excruciating seasons of silence and so you see times of infatuation and joy nisi times of frustration and anger times of infidelity and excruciating seasons of silence and you can describe most marriages. Along those four seasons and what that help me do is it help me appreciate all of marriage.

Most of us get married for the times of joy and celebration. And I'm thankful for those we don't deserve them as much as we get on those are wonderful parts of marriage. But this also taught me.

There are other seasons of marriage that while I would never choose them and why won't enjoy them. There are lessons to be learned. God is revealing himself to me. He's strengthening us he's taking us to a process and and he's helping us one of my favorite verses on marriage comes from this idea. Second Thessalonians 35 may the Lord direct your hearts into God's love and Christ's perseverance, a think about how Christ had to persevere. He was always misunderstood. His family misunderstood and his disciples misunderstood him. The Pharisees misunderstood him. Pilate and Herod misunderstood.

Even John the Baptist said I are you really who I think you were an even John the Baptist always closes one misunderstood him and yet Christ persevered Gary that that is such a good point in a deep point and you know so often were fixated on the action. When you talk about adultery, but there is something much deeper going on in the heart than the action and that's what the Lord is getting after is any evening when he dealt with the David the Scripture says that David's heart was for God. Yet he committed some big sins like murder and adultery, but there was something in David's recognition of his sin and his repentance of that that God admired that even though your flawed you know who I am and I know who you are and so we apply that to the modern-day situation.

How do we better understand what's really going on beneath the actions that were expressing that so disappoint certainly are spouses, but also God.

It's key to understanding marriage. In total, and I would say to the singles listings broadcast is an innocent lot. A single select listen about marriage. The fact that marriage is a covenant should lead you to be very careful, thoughtful, deliberate, and seek counsel about who you marry because you marry a person's problems innocent you married their addictions. You married their past.

You married their issues and because there isn't a quick get out of jail free card provided in Scripture. You've got to realize is this the kind of person that I'm really willing to have that kind of love with. I can't have that kind of commitment with any other person in my life.

It's a special commitment with one person. My wife when it means in marriage is that I have to throw away this thought of what would be like if I married someone else, or if only my spouse wasn't this way are there no if only's there is I'm committed to this I'm forgetting the thought of going somewhere else and say so how can I be fully invested and fully attentive. We need this tunnel vision. How do I make this work. That's the difference between a covenant and a contractor contract. How do I get out of it. A covenant is there's no getting out of it, but what it also means the spouses that might want to stray. Is it we need to have this fear of ever doing anything that would break that covenant that I would ever be unfaithful to my wife. There needs to be this holy reverence. This is in a contract that I can just break make sure financially or taking care of them will go our own way and say it was all said and done, we need to have this reverence where there is almost this holy horror that we would ever do anything that undercuts that because this person is made such an unbelievable commitment a covenant to us.

The thought will that we would ever be untrue to it should be horrifying to us Gary. We have talked a lot about the difficulty of marriage what's underneath some of those things those behaviors that were expressing and how God wants to for our good to get in and help us live in a better and healthier way let's talk about the rewards of perseverance and what God doesn't enforce.

I love that John 1010 Scripture where the thief comes to steal, kill and destroy. But I've come that you might have life and life more abundantly put that in the context of what were talking about with marriage the two huge benefits I think are this. The first is just all that we've talked about how God designed marriage to help us grow in holiness is served by this notion of a covenant. I can be honest with my wife.

I can be open with my wife. I can be vulnerable with my wife because I know she's going to be there. I don't have to hide from her because she's not going anywhere. And so I could admit my stuff and we can work on it together and for the first time I'm not having to bear my burdens alone. There are a lot of married people listening to us today that are bearing their sins, their addictions, their temptations all on their own. That's not what God wants of them that's not what we get married to do we get married to share these burdens we go further when we share them. So for me it's been so helpful just to have not just a wife in Christ.

But his sister in Christ that can do this with with the second thing this is what builds intimacy.

There's a fascinating study. It came out years ago.

The show the couples that made it to their 35th wedding anniversary had the same level of satisfaction as newlyweds.

But this after marital satisfaction tends to drop for the first 20 years of marriage. 20 years that their bouncing challenges along the way because you get married, often with infatuation at the high point, but when you're infatuated you don't know each other you not really one. It's a dance year you're hiding from each other. You're covering things up and then you have children that often assaults marital intimacy because you're just tired and it's challenging and there's little things you you argue over by the 35th wedding anniversary.

You have that same satisfaction as newlyweds. But now it's even better because you have shared memories, your minds have formed around each other neurologically. You've literally become one brains of learn to give way to each other is another putting it to is another study I found so interesting as it takes from 9 to 14 years for a couple to truly create and form. It's been what they're saying is, it takes at least a decade to a decade and 1/2 for two individuals to stop thinking of themselves as individuals and to start thinking of themselves as one so the journey from me to we is about 10 to 15 years but that's something in and couples don't often get there. Which means when a couple gets divorced at 7 to 8 years in they literally don't know what it would be like to be truly married. They're not one yet. Their brains are still forming around each other, their brains are still becoming familiar with each other. It's like they built the foundation of the house and maybe even started to frame it, but they don't know what it be like to be in a house as the walls up that has a roof that has a Windows and that they can really enjoy their saying were getting rid of a relationship that isn't even finished yet because it just takes time for that intimacy to grow and that's what a covenant offers time for our brains to become one time for us to get that inheritance of really sharing that intimacy of oneness that we all sing.

I really appreciate the conviction and passion which Gary Thomas speaks and he sure brought the message home today. Marriage requires you to put yourself aside and allow God to work on you through the relationship that we have to remember that the whole purpose of marriage. In my opinion, is to make us more like Christ more wholly more selfless and it takes time for us to work toward that maturity so we can change together as Gary so eloquently said, and we know marriage can be a challenge that's normal that's being human. If you're in a spot where you are struggling and you don't know what your next step is call us here.

Focus we can help you we have counselors who manned they have been doing this for years. I doubt you're going to surprise him with your circumstances there that well seasoned and you can call and talk about what you're feeling and what you're going through the other so good and we also have our outstanding hope restored marriage intensive is for couples who are really in deeper trouble in marriage is perhaps on the brink. Yeah, maybe you've reach what you think is the end of the line and you're considering divorce, maybe even sign the papers. Believe it or not, we can still help you.

Many couples that come to hope restored her in that exact spot, but our research shows that 4/5 couples who go through.

Hope restored are still married. Two years later that's 80% by the way and have a much higher level of satisfaction in their marriage and let me share with you what Jeff from Michigan told us after attending hope restored with his wife. You wrote, we attended the intensive in Branson and it was life-changing. I was convinced that nothing could change what was going on in our marriage and I seriously considered not going the day before we were to leave. The counselors were amazing. They created the safest environment that could be and we are on a much different course now and I believe we received a miracle that week.

Thank you Focus on the Family for such a wonderful, eye-opening, life-changing experience.

Man I love hearing how God is future members on the family and you those who are supporting us men, we couldn't do this without you, were all in this to gather and I know that this pandemic has shaken up a lot of families and many of them are suffering. In many ways but together we can find wisdom in Christ and bring healing to these couples as well were here for you were praying for Eugene and I are starting almost every morning together praying for you. The support group to focus those who listen to the broadcast and listen to the podcast.

It's a great honor to have the time to do that right now and I want to also make you aware of a wonderful resource called focus at home, which is a free streaming service along with the 30 day free trial of adventures in Odyssey club for your children, and those are two very significant ways that were trying to step up and help out during these days, and that we continue to course provide help and hope through this daily broadcast and through Facebook life events.

That's right, John, and to keep all this going when Egypt that's the bottom line. As you can imagine were seeing a growing need among families, especially young families, which I'm really happy about were also seeing a decrease in giving at the same time so it's one of those no paradoxes but God we believe will provide and you have the chance to be part of that and I believe were making the point so just jump in.

Let's do this together in our eternity, and the Lord he knows what's happening.

He knows you're working hard and surviving and sure supporting your local church which is the first thing you need to do and with the minimum something that might be left over being able to support groups like Focus on the Family, so thank you for that and and I'm looking forward to the great impact that were doing together to join the support team to make a gift if you can't today and will say thank you by sending a copy of the book we talked about today.

I Gary Thomas called sacred marriage.

Let me also add that right now there's a matching grant opportunity. A gift of any amount gets doubled because of some generous friends who are wanting to really support the ministry in a significant way so join us today and know that your gift will be doubled and you'll also be getting that book from Gary Thomas for your own benefit were to pass along to your kids or somebody perhaps at church are number and website during the episode on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team. Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back. As we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ.

I was convinced that nothing can change what was going on in our marriage and I want to try anymore but my commitment to God, help me try one more time. We went to a hope restored marriage intensive and it was life-changing. The counselors created the safest environment we could imagine so that let us really talk much different course now I believe we received a miracle that week received your free consultation. Hope restored.com