Living Together Often Weakens Chances For Long Happy Marriage

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Commitment. This is family policy with NC family Pres. John Rustin thank you for joining us with policy matters were pleased to welcome Dr. Scott Standley as our guest today.

Dr. Stanley is codirector of the Center for marital and family studies at the University of Denver, Senior fellow for the Institute for family studies in Virginia and is the co-author of the book a lasting promise. Dr. Stanley and his colleagues study marriage and romantic relationships in working to be talking with him today about the latest research that they have done on cohabitation and while most experts consider living together outside of marriage is a pitfall for relationships, especially for couples who desire a long and lasting marriage been about a year and 1/2 since we had Jerome show last but just wanted to welcome you back to family policy matters.

All thank you. Have me back, I'm glad to be here. Well, it's great to have you with us now. Cohabitation is increasingly popular among young people today, particularly millennial's, and it seems that many young women and men view moving in together is simply a next step in a dating relationship.

How common is cohabiting today and in your opinion, why is it so popular especially among younger folks. I think it's become very common. So of the couples that will marry say young couples marrying for the first time today of roughly 70% of them will have lived together before marriage but that doesn't actually even speak to just how prevalent it is not because as many other people that are increasingly likely never to get married but who will have cohabited with the number of partners to cohabitation has increased a lot and I think the reason that it's increased. As you know we went through this period of so much divorce and family instability, and in all it really started right around 1970 through the 70s into the 80s. Nothing leveled off a bit but family instability became the norm and people began. I think you really fear, marriage, and that appear that marriage could work out and cohabitation is perceived by people to be relatively without cost or risk and I think that has made it very very popular relative to marriage Stanley I know you cautioned young people who want to have a lasting marriage to be careful about cohabiting because of its and I quote ambiguous nature. Tell us what you mean by that.

I think one of the biggest changes in the last 40 years and romantic relationships, and how people do things before they settle down and marriage and then course for family development is that relationships now are very ambiguous and I and I believe that's motivated. I think people feel safer when things are ambiguous, almost as if our society is made a grand bargain believing that well if it's not real clear what I actually want. I don't make it real clear going to be hurt less.

If I don't get it. If I if things don't turn out, but you can see this and people wonder if likely going to go out Friday night together in some way is the date that's ambiguous now what it date breaking up is ambiguous now.

People do what I call soft breakups words sort of not really clear that it's over and then key people on the back burner hook ups. The course are very ambiguous and cohabitation itself is fundamentally I think partly popular because it doesn't tend to require people to be really clear about commitment and cohabitation without knowing anything else about a couple doesn't turn out to tell you anything about how committed they actually are to each other about cohabitation and the impact it has on men and women believe that you have stated that the cohabitation may actually be worse for women in terms of the risks associated with it, then it may be for men to talk about that little bit. I think in terms of developing relationships young adulthood and romantic relationships cohabiting family formation. There is a difference that substantial and it stems from a very simple fact that women can get pregnant women, mostly women get pregnant and men can't and that means there's a lot more at stake at times for women to get deeply involved or into a relationship that isn't very good about where they start to get trapped or where they make it prematurely like and cohabitation difficult to break up women have a lot more to lose if those things don't turn out well and just one very specific example unplanned pregnancies are much more common in cohabiting unions than in married unions and unplanned pregnancy is a risk for the child at risk for the woman at the risk for the relationship, but women especially being more likely than men to be taking care of children. When a relationship is ended in cohabiting relationships being much more likely to end the marriage makes it a riskier proposition on average for women we've touched on this already, but I know that many young people think that moving in together is often a signal of commitment. If it's not natural next step for the development of this relationship then works expressing a greater commitment to each other.

If we move in together. Some might say, but what is your research told you regarding the commitment levels and experience of most cohabiting couples yes so Philip may make a conceptual pointman for a couple of research points I made a couple for the first time I get a party or person within a relationship and tell me about the relationship and I don't know anything else about them. If you for tell me the cohabiting. I don't really like is that annoying about commitment for tell me there engaged I know a lot about commitment. Think tell me there married.

I know a lot about commitment I may not know whether it's a good healthy relationship or not matter how well they get along cohabitation itself doesn't really convey much information about commitment and this is where a lot of people get trapped is that they one person might be thinking that this really means something that this means we are progressing toward marriage. Where is that from a research standpoint study now big data sets and in the US show that people who move in together as young adults now are more likely to break up than ever married words.

You know, even 20 years ago we had a couple that moved in together. They were pretty likely to then take the step toward marriage. So a lot of people miss is that when you have an ambiguous relationship like cohabiting if one person's thinking, will this really means something about commitment, but they haven't talked about that and clarified it with the other. They could be really deceiving themselves and finding what we see is that when people move in together and it's not real clear what the future is or what it means the odds that one person is really pretty much more committed than the other is significant and it's a lot higher and sometimes people are fooling themselves thinking that because this person is willing to move in with me they're going to commit me to describe cohabiting is more like cohabiting dating and I like that term explained that for us.

If you will, and how likely or most cohabiting couples to actually make it down the aisle to ultimately decide to get married. Yes. So I got like the term to I came up with a couple years ago and I like playing with words and cohabitating is a great term because it describes what's really happened.

So again, even 15, 20 years ago cohabiting for many, a step toward marriage and we've already transitioned that as a society where starting about 10 years or so ago we really transition to the point where most people that live together will not get married, and in fact for many people when they move in with somebody may not be thinking this but it's really going to be the start of living with several different people before they finally settled down and marriage researchers call that serial cohabitation and serial cohabitation is associated with really high risks for marriages not working out that a lot of complex reasons why that's the case, but part of the problem with cohabiting in general. The people don't see is it makes it harder to break up. So a lot of times people are yeah this is just becomes a part of the dating scene. Now they're doing something that actually is making it harder to break up long before they've made any clear decision, or mutually clear and public decision is a couple that were planning a life together and that's risky and and so it doesn't turn out so well for a lot of you are listening to me so I spent to listen to our radio show online resources that will place of persuasion in US community website, alleging what impact does cohabiting have course prior to marriage on the quality of marriage for those cut cohabiting couples who ultimately do get married and doesn't have an impact based on your research on the risk of divorce after that marriage takes place for decades. Studies have shown that living unit before marriage is associated with marriage is not doing so well. Couples who do not. Now that's change someone last 15 years and you will you will hear researchers say now. Well, there's no more risk associated with living together before marriage. That risk isn't there anymore.

And that's not what we find and we find over and over again up in six published studies different data sets that it's very reliable planning those who wait till marriage, or at least wait till there engaged in.

I'm making a research point here in a sort of a theological point, but those who wait till that that question is settled, were married or at least engaged. They look very different. On average in marriages than the people that lived together before there is that clarity and commitment to a future together.

That's where the research is that now I still think it's best for some.

I went all the way to marriage because then things are totally clear. You know people are gathered around you that are supporting you as a couple you totally nailed down the commitment before you move in together so you know I think that's really best for people but it's also pretty clear that the highest risk dooming people but much higher risk is when people just move in together without clarifying anything and then eventually get married. Those marriages don't look as good on average. Dr. Stanley, what advice would you give young men and women who might be considering moving in together before marriage, took some questions people could essence of whatever else they believe there really still thinking very seriously about moving in with somebody that one should ask himself, am I really ready to make it harder to break up with this person is, why would that be better than dating without having the same place to live. Another great question is this commit is this other person as committed to me as I am to them are my fooling myself about what that means for them versus what I'm thinking and feeling, which relates to the next question which is have you talked about it with this person. What is it actually mean does it mean were planning to get married. If it does mean were planning to get married. Does that mean were ready to be engaged.

Maybe you're going to wish you preserve the sense that when you move into marriage. It was this very clear transition. A lot of people are living together before marriage, even if many other things are fine about the relationship their wedding day there often feeling a little melancholy that wow can actually be different. What's the big transition that is a big transition, limited clear, but it's not as big a transition is now or really moving in together and starting life and the last question for the individual. Here is those are all really important questions.

If you're afraid to talk about those things or even ask yourself those questions, much less talk with your partner, you're certainly not ready to move in with that person. Well, I think those are great questions for folks to consider. Absolutely. And I know that our listeners or maybe thinking, hey, those are really good questions I may know somebody who is considering moving in with somebody outside of the marriage relationship and this is some information I really like to share with them because I think it is. It is critically important because I really care about those individuals share with our listeners. If you would before we leave. Dr. Stanley where they can go to get more information about your research on cohabitation and marriage, and other topics that you study well I write a lot about cohabitation on my blog and people can search for sliding versus deciding that'll get to me. I also written a number of important articles on cohabitation at the blog for the Institute for family studies, we have a little video on YouTube.

That's a four-minute video. It's called relationship DUI and people can just Google that or go to YouTube and look for relationship DUI and they might see something in that they want to share with somebody that grappling with these things right now in their life will excellent will not just Scott Stanley, I want to thank you so much for being with us on policy matters for your great insight and research into marriage and cohabiting and for sharing that with us in our listeners so I know that these resources will be a great help to our listeners and many of their friends and family members.

So listeners I want to encourage you to avail yourselves of that information. And with that Dr. Scott Stanley, I want to thank you so much again for joining us on family housing. Think family policy matters production and only to listen to our radio show online resources and information about issues important to families in North Carolina. My website@family.org and follow us on Twitter