Divorce's Echo

Family policy matters, a weekly radio show and Comcast from family designed to better inform listeners about the critical issues and encourage you to be voices and persuasion for family values in your community. Today we bring you a show that originally aired in August 27 featuring Layla Miller, author of the book primal loss than now adult children of divorce feet. Thanks for joining us this week for family policy matters to discuss an issue that I expect almost all of our listeners have been affected by it. At some point in their laws and that's the issue of divorce. It's not difficult to understand the difficulties and impacts divorce is almost were going through it. What about the long-term implications of divorce, especially on the children of divorce once they become adults.

Our guest today is Layla Miller, a wife of 27 years, a mother to eight children and a grandmother who was recently used her writing skills to give a voice to 70 adults, most of whom had parents who divorced when they were young and not surprisingly, these individuals and others like them often feel as though their stories and perspectives are lost in the conversation about marriage and divorce in America.

Layla is here today to discuss what we can learn from the stories that she tells in her new book, primal loss, the now adult children of divorce, speak Layla Miller on the wall commuter family policy matters is great to have your show. Thank you, John Kelly let you readily admit that you do not have first-hand experience with divorce so that does beg the question of why did you decide to write a book about divorce, and particularly one that shares a perspective on divorce from the viewpoint of adults who live through divorce, the great question and I have to tell you, I've been writing about talking about marriage and family for probably close to a quarter-century now and while I would maybe brush over the issue of divorce and how it's bad. It never really was on my radar.

So it's kind of shocking to me that it even became a topic and the reason it did because I have a close personal friend who over the years she'd start to say certain things that II was a little intrigued about the complications in her life, such as think that their stepmother things that you never happening with her dad and her mom who is on her third marriage or something like that how it kind of affecting her still affecting the grandkids and then after a while I started to tell her you know Lisa you need to write this down. I don't even understand. I don't even know about so that that's kind of the catalyst that got me into that you compiled stories from quite a few adults who had gone through divorce experiences during their youth or maybe will but later in life. Yet I can't put the word out very casually on my Facebook page and I got a response from people I wanted their feelings and expenses for what they come through and in the first day or two.

I got about hundred people and they wanted to talk and so I quickly whipped up this off the top of my head like a question that I thought I would be interesting to know about and wow I mean when I got back was just shocking to me and I knew I had to compile it and and put it out there. Somehow you talk about long-term experiences and that's really untrue rules captured a lot in this book talk more about that help us understand some of what you learned or discovered about the long-term effects that divorce has all these children who grew up in a household where the parents divorced in the. Got divorce and the effects of the divorce into adulthood.

A number of fronts. Number one. A lot of them carried these insecurities, and this feeling that there's really no nothing stable or that could stay stable. They carry that into the relationship throughout their young adulthood and anyone into their marriages and even some of the people who are very to really wonderful houses they have necessarily tell their spouses that they have to double-click a guillotine hanging over their head wondering in fear when this will all and and select one lady said she for years she would squirrel away money in her sock touring the main thing and would never leave but she kept thinking okay what would be likely have to do the custody issues I've gotta make sure I have enough money to get out the back have really hung with her. Several people discussed things like that people discussed that even into their 40s and 50s. Yeah there's no real home complications that that they're managing even now between different layers of family there still navigating that the bottom of my mind I realize how I walk around unencumbered, and I don't have a complicated life and in the sense that they do and I never realized that so it's amazing shocking you touched on something that I will explore the issue of the impact of divorce and the destruction of the family. All matters related to face and how individuals who go through a divorce when they're young really relate to God and those who did you see that this was a common thread through many of the individuals that you talk with for this book did the divorce have an impact on the varying degrees of religiosity of faith in their childhoods and had no worries of any faith in some were raised very, very safely, very Christian household. I will say that a lot of them really got hit with their relationship with God the father. Specifically us. If the father was the one who broke the family that we have some stories in the book where the mother who abandoned the family were divorced or not, but the image especially for the boys to get the image of God the father, you tend to look at your father as a child and and that's how you get your first understanding of who God is and so when I take the hit it's it's huge so a lot of depression, and did a lot of falling away from the faith, we have some some stories of that whole families where the siblings to this day, a lot of their siblings have not come back to God in all their still wandering to have drug addictions and others. If you suicide of the siblings. So a lot of that the people in the book still have her have really rediscovered their faith, but theirs is the collateral damage as far as their faith goes in their siblings and even the parents who divorce it's really devastating so that the real Helio that needs its own healing that once was the merits of the part is fundamental to who we all that image of the human father, during an impression on what someone perceives their godly father to be so profound and I think of as a father myself, how I know I speak for many out there who are challenged by the wall to present a is good and images we can in order to exemplify God the father to the degree that were humanly possible to do that now. Why would you experience any situations when divorce was actually a positive thing suspected in circumstances where there may have been physical abuse for our infidelity. Your constant fighting in the home, things like that, you know. Certainly there are circumstances where divorces is necessary to see with respect to the function she spoke with about the yeah I never cherry picked any of the answers so we do have quite a few who came from abusive situations and the Senate. There is there there. A few of the participants said that it was they were very grateful.

First of all to get out of the abuse for you. Thank you that I want to thank my mom for getting me safe and getting attributes in one case it was the mother who was the abuse of one of the father with the one who needed to get the kids out, but I would never even would characterize it as that that divorce is positive, what they would say is that it was a relief and I I think that when you determine eyes. The term at the relief valve note when you can get out of that type of of abuse and and suffering. There is a feeling is obviously a relief valve I need to and you need to get out. You need to get away from that.

What's interesting is that a lot of them described this and and also privately to me to because of been in contact with them since the book publication, but it's still like an amputation. You know, in a sense that yes you you may have had to several limb by your still walking around with you know there's still it's it's never what it what it should have been what God intended it to be right so there's always a wound of some sort. Sometimes again sometimes amputation is necessary when it what I discovered to the getting to the front of my issue before but what I discovered is even even those issues, we have to acknowledge for those kids that there's still a lot that there's still pain, and applicable to all prime a lot because truly getting how God created it is every child is born to the union of his mother and his father.

And when that is broken apart, for whatever reason, and it either death or sin.

A tragedy for the child no matter what, even if it's necessary. Get that child out so that's really important just to that acknowledgment.

That way I did have kind of an issue with the celebration of hay divorced parties and for finding the know know it's never great, always a tragedy of some sort. No blame one of the following chapters in the book contain stories of success of the addiction of marriages boot really went to the brink of divorce and somehow sure give us an example of one of the stories that really gives you hope and that may give hope to some of our listeners who may themselves be facing a divorce situation or are trying to counsel and reach out and love, family member or a loved one who is going through divorce and so many people ask is that their favorite chapter the book. The stories of hope and there really dire situations where it is the parents persevered. The people who wrote to me anything up to 70. This is a whole different bunch of people had success stories or hope about just on the edge of marriages and when Ellie sticks out to me. I don't know why is a woman who is an adult who talks about how for the majority of her parents marriage was rough. It was very rough. He was an alcoholic. He had left the practice of his faith for 35 years he was. Not a good role modeling is not a great father. She even thought growing up. They should be divorce.

This is ridiculous. Towards the end of his life, and her mother just was very faithful. You know, this is my husband is my family. I made about the children watch this and at the very end of his life he got sick. He came back to God. At the end and at the end of it literally the last hours they spent just that. Just the immediate family. They spent those hours together and she said it was the most sacred holy kind of time and she remembers just being overwhelmed with this feeling. I shall never forget of gratitude of having her family together at that her father's last breath or heat. They got to tell each other they loved each other and and she just was so grateful Jeep to envision what could have been with that mothers and brothers and sisters in all the different people fighting over you know who is supposed to be there. He is not in what she was so grateful energy paints the most beautiful scene that you know what it was all worth it because our family in that little holy space when he went back to God. You know it was it was a beautiful moment and she just met. Crying at the very few of those types of stories in the town just really stuck out to me that the kind the preciousness of those of the last years and in the last hours that went along the long view of things. Very beautiful will, and we deftly need to take a long view of things because that's what really matters nothing to chronicle that so well in this book. Good divorce is not just between two individuals who may be going through a rough patch in a relationship, but it has profound implications on many, and probably fall beyond what is readily evident that unfortunately we were just about out of for the show but I want to give you an opportunity before we leave to let our listeners know where they can go to get a copy of your new book, lost but now adult children of divorce, speak sure yet thinking on Amazon.com and it's available there, both in paperback in the e-book, Kindle format. I think barnesandnoble.com also has that self great will encourage your listeners, especially if you may be dealing with a divorce situation yourself or have a loved one who does yourself of this book and be encouraged by one from it and just take advantage of the resource that it is Bob actually expected it to help you help those that you love and without label Norma thank you so much for being with us on family policy matters and for bringing greater attention to the impact divorce has on our culture and all the things you got so you have been listening, a weekly radio show and Comcast from the family to listen to the show online for more resources that will help you be a voice of persuasion in your community. Go to our website@siefamily.org and follow us on Facebook and Instagram and Twitter