Fathering for a Lifetime

Welcome to family policy matters and engaging and informative weekly radio show and podcast produced by the North Carolina family policy Council hi this is John Ralston, presidency, family, and were grateful to have you with us for this week's program is our prayer that you will be informed, encouraged and inspired by what you hear on family policy matters and that you will fold better equipped to be a voice of persuasion for family values in your community, state and nation, and now here's our house to family policy matters. Tracy Devitt Griggs thanks for joining us this week for family policy matters. We all know fathers play an important role in their children's perishable growth. But like many things that can be easier said than done.

What today were pleased to be joined by a man who has dedicated his life to helping fathers take the lead in their children's spiritual growth. Dr. Ken Canfield is the founder of the national Center for fathering and the national Association for grandparenting as a prolific writer, Dr. Canfield has taught his seven secrets of effective fathers book as a two-day conference to over 125,000 fathers in a variety of settings.

Dr. Ken Canfield. Welcome to family policy matters to be with you Tracy and delighted to talk on the subjectivity year to every family and, most importantly, every day. I agree so we are seeing increasing number and variety of men who are describing fathering as a spiritual experience even if they themselves are not especially spiritual, so why do you think that is will the wonder of bird that we consider just the privilege of becoming a father not having to carry a fully child in her womb. When that child comes up it kicks into gear. What I call the generational clock for moms they know about the biological clock in the care and the nurturing moves years following birth are so poor before dad.

It's the legacy corporate starts to kick in and it's profound and powerful. Some call it the magical moment I call it the eighth wonder of the world. Do you know about the practical difference. Mother spirituality has on her children versus that of the father know when you contrast mother father involvement we need to recognize the team's best together their unique things for the mother brings to the forefront that a father him does not, and vice versa. So, teaming together, not pitting against each other is what we need to do for dancer instrumental that drive that the passion you know dad tend to push kids out into the world at the right time that that's important because that involves taking steps of faith and risk and so forth. Doesn't mean you have to be risky to be a dad but it gets into the faith formation and how you perceive God is your father and when you start to play that out for the vulnerable way. I think you'll believe the truth out. Like father like child.

They will imitate. They will follow and so your connection to heavenly father and son processing.

You know some of those maybe painful things in the past is one of the best things you can do in building that spiritual foundation I think a father stands in what I'd say a premier role.

There are unique things. Dad should be doing this notion of blessing encouraging giving guidance and discipline setting structure are going to be safety boundaries. That's all important.

Now that's not to say a mother to because mother only families have predominated, and in many parts of the world, not because you know kids grow up and sale will befall the list is just as worn around the wood dance engage.

I think this is something that can bring a whole host of positive benefits like increased self-esteem, awareness, management in this notion of having that blessing where you're imparting something that you see is a dad into your children, your grandchildren, I mean that's distinct and again we do this together as a part of the mother father team but dad, I think the initiative to do this in bold sorts of ways for a rest with you. God is disclosed himself in fatherly terms. Not to say God is, you know, male or female is genderless, but what is important is that you stand this an image bearer, and when you bless your children when you give them guidance when you nurture and affirm them for your survey successes that builds their resiliency and self-esteem which is necessary we know as you maneuver through life different in the relationship tween a father and daughter and a father and son. Do you think the research says that men tend to default to fathering some spending more time with them than daughters. We have got a look at the research and say hey we don't need to follow this trend we need to do boldly what God is calling us to do. I can tell you this is a father of three daughters and nine granddaughters you nurture your daughters to make sure you are taking well care of when you matured age notwithstanding, sons of course very important. So I think we need to leave this equity principle that there is enough fathering in your heart to father, daughters and sons. In some ways equally as far as your passionate commitment for sure, but there are nuances that you go through the lifecycle. What you need to be attuned to and so to that extent, I do believe that the dignity and the grace that we can endow daughters with a comes that through your blessing and an encouragement and affirmation, and quite close to that. The courageous whole list that you know you want to see imparted that to can come from a dad to a daughter as well as a dad to us and dad know there are no perfect fathers except one, and I do believe that as we face difficulties to the extent that you can disclose may be challenges you have appropriate to your child's age that's going to be a benefit to them because they know that failure is a part of life. It's not if you fail as a dad is what you do after you sale and so are there specific things. I think the whole nurture of the spiritual disciplines of the way we go about life. Our commitment to prayer our duty and following through the clan leader to care for to protect to wisely employ the rudiments of the basics of Scripture be big Proverbs or parables, or any number of things that would dad takes on what I believe it's a teaching role in modeling it doesn't get any better so I hear you and I have two children who are in their 30s now so is it too late if I'm listening to you and I'm a grandparent too late for us to instill some of the SNR grown children know I'm so glad you asked that question. It's never too late to engage in that grandparenting is like your second opportunity and I don't know any child that has a parent let's say a dad in this case it comes to them realizing now. He's a grandfather grandparent and says to the parent of your grandchildren hate if I did things over again I would probably do some things different and I want you to know if I've hurt you in in any ways in the past I would ask humbly for your your freedom and for giving me.I want you to know this all to be the best grandparent I possibly can and I'm on your team and when a child hears that. Let's say your adult child of their going to be softened and they know you made mistakes, but when they hear that you want to be a team member and seek to be the best grandparent what you're saying is there are things that can change. There are opportunities to grow, even as you mature in nature, and these can be the best of years.

What you're doing is bonding generations and if you do it in sync with your children.

That legacy is one that will not be forgotten about some of the practical ways that fathers can start to build that spiritual connection with their kids practically doing a missions trip with your kids tell you battle open everybody's eyes and put you in a common place.

The second thing is take them through a passage of Scripture be always ready to respond to them with with some sort of spiritual insight doesn't mean you have to have a degree from seminary or Bible college. Isn't it fascinating how God shows us his cohort of leaders, the disciples people that were in some ways unschooled, they were normal. They were simple and they applied the principles of godly life, and they talked about them and and when Jesus began to teach them much more lofty truth uses the daily life of caring for a vineyard taking care of the lost coin or a lost child and and so that gets into this vulnerability and openness that can be easily done if you are humble in heart, as he was humble in heart, so I think those are just a few things notwithstanding attending as you're able, you know fellowship with others worship in the home. Oh my goodness, just the inclusion of of music and laughter and those things that are critical to extolling God himself. It says the Lord inhabits the praises of his people in and what we can do that in the home. We see not only your fathering but the heavenly fathering show good.

A big way.

The other things you you mention is gratitude to keep talk about that is being one of the critical virtues in this work of spiritual growth between fathers and children what you mean by that. The gratitude is it's time I just want to say for anybody that's raising the special needs child or grandchild. I tell you I get to heaven before you.

I'm going to nominate you for the heavenly Congressional medal of honor in saying that because the heavy lifting that that requires good times and is so important. So how does gratitude to thankfulness to fit into that you talk to anybody who's carrying force some child in that situation and they will tell you it's hard. It's overwhelming. But if I had to do it over again. I still do this and recognize this is a common grace suffering unfortunately is one of the things we have to face.

So with gratitude. What you can do is look at any situation and pick out something that you can be thankful and grateful for, meaning that there's going to be a dour difficult task ahead of you if just having the attitude that helps you understand them moderate emotions and feelings.

And when you can communicate appreciation when you show appreciation for those around you and can think in words and perhaps gifts are mementos of ways to show gratitude for one another that again helps to build a firm foundation to move forward through life that is full of challenges and suffering great note to end on what we are just about out of time for this week. Dr. Ken Canfield where listeners go to learn more about this important topic. If your dad you go to fathers.com and sign up believe summarize weekly tidbits of research insights and practical tips of a whole warehouse material published if your grandparent go to grandkids matter.org grandkids matter.org and you'll find there. Another resource with deep richness not only based on research, but ideas that are practical being that your grandparent and you want to be the best you can be great.

What Dr. Ken Canfield, author of seven secrets of affective fathers.

Thank you so much for being with us today on family policy matters even listening to family policy matters. We hope you enjoy the program in plenitude and again next week to listen to the show online and to learn more about NC families work to inform, encourage and inspire families across from Carlotta website it NC family.work that's NC family.org. Thanks again for listening and may God bless you and your family