David Eaton: Engaging Your Teen’s World

Before we get to today's program.

I want you to know that Dave and I were perfect parents until we had a child, place, and we think there were perfect parents but there are no perfect ferrets, and that's why we wrote the book no perfect parents and were excited because now we have an online video course for you and you can go through it as a small group individually or even just as a couple and get that you can go to family life.com/not perfect to find out more. Again family life.com/not perfect. What would you like when you're a sixth-grader you don't want to go to school afraid to feel like we are sophomore in high school and you were here like chair falls over. There's a bang out in the hallway. Everyone's on edge.

What would that feel like I didn't have to experience that you know when I was in high school that was in the place.

I was so how do we embrace our kids with love that care family life. Today we want to help you pursue the relationship I'm in will send Dave Wilson and you can find his family life today.com or on the family life today so let's talk teenagers when we were parents of like a seven and five-year-olds in the teen years were on the horizon. Older parents who would Artie onto the seniors all set almost the same thing you matter what what what wait till you get to teenage years have they realized how do you like it was can be horrible yes was a horrible teenage years were probably my favorite span of parenting. I love the to me to.

It's weird. I mean, I don't know.

We loved but but it was scary and I feel like today, there are some things going on that we didn't have to face I don't want to raise teenagers today on the server and I think it's scary and I think parents are wondering how do we do this we need help that we need help only got help in the studio today with this David Eaton flew all night ended up sleeping in the studio somewhere in this building because his plane was delayed with David. Welcome to family life today.

Thanks Romeo, you're so not ready, let's go get what you're sort of expert on teenagers. Not just because wrote a book. I love your book called engaging your teens world understanding with today's youth are thinking, doing and watching, but you really have a passion for war talk about today right tell us why I love the rising generation and so for all of you parents out there with teenagers all you grandparents would grant teenagers may have younger kids are older kids.

I just want you to imagine not dreading having a teenager as much is certain that moment and just say could it be true. I just heard Dave in and said they really enjoyed having a teenager and so axis, an organization that I cofounded exist to be a parent's research assistant.

We are there to be in your back office to help you understand what's going on in teenage land.

So whether that social media cultural trends or springtime's mental health or sexuality. We are here to research and help you be equipped of conversations, the kids Starbucks three friends a picture of it. We are on a mission trip to Mexico and it's when I stopped renting my faith, my parents and I started on it for myself. I will be.

I was a freshman, a sophomore and junior and senior went four years in a row for two weeks mean like mold yards and raked leaves to rake leaves, like all the jobs you do raise money and then this is before 9/11 without the 15 passenger van drove across the border like that's a normal thing that you do and it was just amazing trip or so the Holy Spirit work and like we did like street evangelism. I feel like cautious in saying that, but we are preaching the gospel in streetcorner and I have pictures through my buddies like preaching the gospel on the street corner and the thing off to college and their faith imploded and there are no longer following Jesus.

To this day, and so that got my attention.

The current scary step.

The penthouse foundation is over 40 million Christian teenagers United States will walk with their faith. By 2050. That's untenable and when I was 23, just out of college I just said what can I do to help. What could I do to figure out a way to reach my generation and so axis does something we call culture translation. So if you just imagine if CS Lewis and MTV if they made a baby they would name their baby axis means looking at the timeless truth of Christianity and theologians and philosophers and then also thinking about what's going on to talk right now what is the word Chugh mean like Harry styles how should think about is album.

How should think about him being very masculine but wearing girls clothing and how to have these conversations, my kids were.

I don't freak out in the non-anxious.

The thing I'm so excited about axis. As we started.

It was just like traveling and speaking at schools and churches, and I do that a little bit now and her team's development now really realized that we are not the hero.

The next generation needs.

Parents are the hero were not the missionary at axis next-generation parents and grandparents missionary and so we used to think where the hero realized all the influences just so small. David you think parents realized that they are the ones that had that influence mean parents have told me my friend Brian is told me says I just feel like I'm always losing I'm tired of losing her out of dad is out in Washington state. He says I'm always drip so I'm like it's already mom named Sarah who said man when I just come across something it's another thing that I'm behind in my embarrassed about her. It's dangerous you and your kids back that you put out your like all this looks like a full thumb drive like oh wait, that's a jewel vape device in your like I've seen things in the news my kids going to die there lungs are going to explode and yeah that might happen if there beeping aftermarket vitamin E acetate, but you could probably not doing that.

So you always are living in this different levels of feeling like there's an emergency.

So Sarah's like whenever come across and then bear them embarrassed about. I'm scared about or I'm angry about. Like I have two options. She says I either feel silent like I'm just gonna ignore that actually phrases that come out a lot is like there a good kid but you know I turned out okay though turn out okay is just like I'm just tired of this fight.

Some just going to ignore it says the silent response or the violent response was like give me that give your phone or laptop like you're not going anywhere you're shut down no more videogames for you and just this like war and so axis would to say what. There's 1/3 way.

So instead of just feeling silent or violent when she felt confident. What if you felt ready with you felt prepared and that's what the team I work with. Does we make parents prepared you and Lindsay have a nine-year-old right yes I love you Gail 540 yeah you're not there yet yeah yeah's of teenagers were not some parents but so will tell you is like you're the expert on parenting.

Yeah so kids I got books that other people written that are experts on parenting. What I mean is you think about, you know Shiloh turning 13, 14, 16, 17, you're not afraid why. Of course you know there's just multiple times even just thinking about mental health. Thinking about you know she's only as safe as her friends phones thinking about maybe back in the day, you know, this is like starting with the silent violent dichotomy. One of the silent ideas is ignoring culture and just says words can raise our kids legs.

The 1950s had a mom said to me, North Carolina, and it's like God is given us our kids, not 1950s, it's 2022/70 years later after that swifter raise our kids for that world. So yeah, I'm a level I feel that level of anticipation, and also like what is the world be like four years from now when she's an official teenager, but the same time.

I know that Shiloh surrounded by great community church and that Lindsay and I are thinking about her and that I have started an organization that exists to your research assistant for me as I'm like traversing the minefields, but also just incredible joy of having a precious daughter that I could be the father to. I think what happens is we as parents. I feel this even now sometimes you just feel dumb like I know what's happening in the world. My kids are talking a language I don't even know half the things they're talking about. That is good axis.org accessed orgy and every Friday we send out an email called the culture translator and it is parenting goal.

It is I hate is it is goal justice. Here are three things that are happening in your kids life this week. I say Rita twice a month reading every other week.

If you read that you will be eye to eye with your kid meal even be ahead on some of these conversations example okay so I give you a couple recent examples.

One is will do like a slang term of the week or song the week so we talked about what is a Chugh and was mean to be chewy. And so now it before you Fidelis. Did you know I didn't know all sound like a candy bar I have no idea it's it's coded in Carmel is still very chewy and then adding a Chugh many teenagers right now would know what you know absolutely there's like an entirely different languages are mentioned earlier.

So it's it's a way for Jonesy which is the current generation make fun of older millennial's in older millennial styles so there's like jeans there chewy. There's clothing that's Judy there's things that you can like that are chewy. Not only did not cool yeah.

It's like trying to harden just like kinda missing it and just being Lino millennial's are all now sections he is. Gotta let them know millennial's are old. Oh my goodness I should get a teacher to says, I'm Judy know you don't want to be chewy I know but I can.

Yes, he is late or should I should world is grandpa so let's say I love you, parent of teenagers. I get this email and I read that do I go have a conversation you actually do two different things.

You either go on like full spy mode and pretend that you know like you just know these things Elvis I love you like mom how to know that like unbelievable recently. There's think of the culture translator and I love you and I want to understand your world so I read every now and then. It helps me understand what you're feeling and thinking and doing so. Another was like Harry styles came with an album so you just go you listen to tracks any billing like that you figure out which like about her all is kind of interesting look at album art look at some articles behind it and all the sudden like that song come to the radio or kids playing this you know from the phone in the car and you like can have a conversation and know whether you should freak out about her know if you can be like that's interesting. Here's some of the nuance and texture of that fluid power for the Roe V Wade things happen and so culture translator actually spent an entire article or entire email talking about how that is being talked about culture and who were some of the big influencers and then how can we think biblically about this, but also how can we have incredible compassion or there is a giant school shooting, heartbreaking normally talk about three things that happen each week that we could just one thing and honestly like anyone who's like to read the culture translator probably has a pretty good idea what they think about gun control so slick when you talk about that know I'm sure you've talked about that with your kids already and have some thorough debates.

Instead, we watched empathize. What would feel like when you're a sixth-grader and you don't want to go to school closure afraid to feel like when you're a sophomore in high school and you were here like chair falls over.

There's a bang out in the hallway. Everyone's on edge. What would that feel like I didn't have to experience that you know when I was in high school couple decades ago that was in the place I was in so how do we embrace our kids with love and care and also this is the most hopeful thing that I can say here's the punchline culture translation is great, that's cool. CS Lewis was MTV all that. But what's really great are you moms and dads out there and so we had this young lady.

She said she says it only had one real conversation with my dad and we heard that really cool that's not good you're having like a thousand conversations a week on tick-tock. How can you only have one real conversation with dad and turns out her dad's a pastor in Christian University president for two decades and he was an access board member as well. One of my heroes. Some like oh this is rough.

How can you have one accomplishment and then the young lady smiled like oh why is she smiling and she said again. She says I've only had one real conversation. My dad and we've never stopped having that one conversation.

It's one conversation that's continuous to last a lifetime. Adam mom actually said this. Her name was Tonya.

She's like my teenage sons are leaving the home really soon moving out and start to say things that make me really concerned that they don't share the same faith commitments that I have the same beliefs. I'm scared she says my window. It fills up my windows closing.

She says how much longer do I have is dramatic pause, Tonya. You have a 60 year window with those boys you have a 60 year window. You are the most influential person in their life. Scripturally, that's true. Sociologically, it's true, you could to have that one conversation, so if you feel behind that's totally normal. I feel behind most parents feel behind culture is changing rapidly. This could be a challenge but know that there's no one is going to be there driving through Chick-fil-A getting that spicy chicken sandwich before the volleyball game and talking about sex thing. Okay, that's a scary conversation.

There's no one is gonna be there when your kid is like it's 11 o'clock at night and all the sudden they're chatty and they wanted talking like I just want to go to sleep. Lights off in the room, you sit on the floor. He leaned against the wall and they open up their heart, they just say I don't know if I want to be a Christian you like. If that's scary but you hold onto it you realize you have one conversation you practice, your I'm not shocked face which does imagine dark right and then you say, let's talk about them and like there's nothing wrong with having those doubts's figure it out was chase us down as a family there other cool things is you know world enough were making fun of it, but world enough to know what you're saying is true, that conversation doesn't end in our oldest is 3636 is a 40 and were still have the conversations that sorta began when he was 89 really begin. 23 but all through quickly think it's like yeah you're right that conversation doesn't. And if you stay engaged in intentional because I think when I hear you say this. I think a lot of us as parents and I had a tendency to maybe want to go there naturally is like this couple back. I don't want to step into this crazy world they're navigating. I sort of want to stick my head in the sand and pretend they're good kids. They love Jesus and they're never going to struggle rather than let's walk in her bedroom at midnight and have a conversation to nursing. Yeah because you and Dave went have this tendency Brad would say I think you are struggling in this area. Great kid I said I know they're great but I really think they're struggling. He was right thousand percent. Loved your belief in you now because I would tend to freak out like what are they doing what could happen, but I think the reason we love the teen years is exactly what you're describing David those conversations when they say something you see here in feel their fear or their insecurity or their hope or the fear the future and then to have that conversation. I think when I went in the dim lighting you Dave. I would tend to become fearful for them and sell. I think as parents we had this line of asking that question. Is there starting to share say tell me more and more of what you're feeling. Tell me more of what the kids are feeling at school and what I could do. Sometimes as I could get all judgmental about it well and feels that you now or what we are talking about that are doing that and that's the part as a parent I really had to hold back back as he said don't show your shocked face. Don't freak out. We were going the other really just go front of the later be like oh my goodness, you see as parents we are important to kids. Do you want to know what you are the most important person in their lives. We would never say that as parents of teens. Most of us would not say that that's what you have to say it and that's what you have to hear it and that's we have to believe it's true, especially through the eighth 18 year phase because there sometimes just gets rockier hard and look at fears totally normal, but what you have to do is just to hold that fear.

Pretend it's like a volleyball or something. This is your volleyball fear and you hold in your hands and you visualize it and you invite the Holy Spirit into it to the viewer parenting out of fear, your kid is not getting the best version of you. Your parenting out of fear unity some things that are reactive, you might become silent or violent. You might all of a sudden realize, wow there making some of the same mistakes I made him a bad parent, bad person and start shaming yourself and then your parenting out of shame and those are places that we need resurrection. We need reconciliation. We need God to speak in that spot. Let us know the were forgiven. Let us know that that's not going to be held against us and that we don't have to. The parent that parents that way and invite that in no as far as parents being important. You have to hear this all you parents out there yet. I must say I love exciting to hear it myself. There is a man named Christian Smith, PhD at Notre Dame endowed chair of sociology goes Masters in his PhD from Harvard.

He has studied teenagers for the last two decades he ran the national study for youth and religion.

He is the guy. He is the guy with the team with the endowment. With all this and so he wrote a book recently have a right here it's called handing down the faith. I want to let you know it's a rather boring book is better. I think they go hand-in-hand. Because what he does is he establishes the importance of one conversation with your kid, he lays the groundwork so whenever you're in that moment saying I just want to quit. You can only say intellectually, I know that I'm the most influence a person's good life and then axis can help you there tapping that week and the week after that in the month after the exits always be changing, so this is what he said in an interview he said after spending two decades studying the religious life of American adolescents among all possible influence parents exert far and away the greatest influence the empirical evidence is clear, no institution comes close to parents, not churches, not youth group in a faith-based school that mission trips not summer Sunday schools not youth ministers makes every other influence pale into virtual insignificance is parents followed closely by grandparents and if you live close to them. Aunties and uncles and the best, parents, and it's always because there is a best become parents that we all aspire to have high expectations which I'm really good at actually who has high expectations of the kids in your relationship probably in okay I think we both pay positive okay so high expectations doesn't mean positive stereo they can mean demanding so you have to balance it out with warmth and so you can get in situations where he can be just super warm and be like, that's great, Billy. This is going to destroy you and so that's where you have high warmth below expectations you have high expectations and just be such a stone wall and not emotionally available, so when your kid does come across something instead of saying that I would like to talk dad about this or when her mom thinks oh no monster forgot me.

Oh, no doubts, like take when the phone again so I better just shove that one down and asked my buddies what they think or maybe I'll just go to Google or maybe I'll see you what's trending on tick-tock in this area and that's what we don't want is everyone's going to disciple kids. That's just the truth is who has the loudest voice the most influential voice or maybe even the quietest, most well you think if Christian Smith if he's correct which I tend to agree thousand percent and he's got research to back it up.

You said earlier yeah so many are going to walk away from the faith, what are we as parents doing wrong, as were the most influential and our kids are walking away, you know, it's very tempting to outsource and we live in a world where it's awesome we can outsource everything where kids get better SAT scores. Let's do training for that you can Final Cut tutorials online and man parenting is hard siliceous outsource it to the youth pastor or man.

Parenting is hard luscious hope that the church does it in the church wants to do it in the youth pastor wants to do it, but even more what is the church one church wants you to do it, parents, and they want to equip you end up being your corner and help you out. That's not what the model looks like, but I think everyone deep down, knows that parents are the way as a partnership between all of us that Steven and Wilson with David Eaton on family life today.

Listen.

Stay with us will hear an encouraging word for parents from Dave and and in just a minute. The first David Eaton's book is called engaging your teens world. Understanding what today's youth are thinking, doing and watching. You can get your copy@familylifetoday.com man is David speaking our language here today.

We know that family life in and of itself isn't going to change your family or your kids. That's God's responsibility, but he wants to do it through you. That's how you change start to happen. Family life exist to come alongside family to point families to Jesus and to remind them where hope comes from you partner with family life and help more families to Jesus all this week when you partner financially. We want to send you a copy of Brant Hansen's book called on a bendable how just one change can make all of life better to be our gift to you when you give this week@familylifetoa.com or by calling 800-358-6329. That's 800 F's and family L as in life, and then the word today. Okay, now back to David and with an encouraging word for parents. I would just add as an older parent now granddad I would say to the dad and the mom was listening don't outsource just what David was saying. I mean the church to help Christian school help all great stuff you are the biggest influence on your kids and here's what I would say your walk with God is more important anything else that happens it is is more important than the three Bible verses you share with them this week. Are they see an authentic man or woman really walk with God because here's what we learned is grandparents out there again. A copy what they see and if it's real that's gets transmitted of its fake they sniff it out in our kids you know if it a better name by so I me my biggest admonition would be looking to marry now and say what's my walk with God look like is that's can be passed down to my legacy. I remember saying I sent you can't remember some he's great devotional speaking are some of the Bible verses we memorize. Here's what they said.

Now that here's what they did say they said that mom I remember every day, had your Bible out that all these books that I remember leaping on the DAC praying on your knees when I would come out. Sometimes they said we need to depend on Jesus for everything. That's what we now coming up tomorrow.

The Wilson's are joint again with David Eaton where you'll hear more about why we react in ways that we do, how to restore trust and how to show understanding with our teams. That's tomorrow.

We hope you join us on behalf of David and Wilson. I'm shall be avid will see that next time for another edition of family life today family like today is a production of family life approved ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most