Curtis & Jenny Solomon: Allies in the Fight Against Sex Addiction

It's a different kind of trustee know when that trust has been broken and has to be repaired. I don't think it's exactly the same kind of trust that a person would have his has been. He never struggled with pornography, but I think that's also so sweet because in that suffering and in that difficulty the work that God has wrought in us, and even just the opportunity to say this is where we've been. Now we get to help other people with this difficulty to see God take that thing that so hard and so bad and use it for good is incredible and I wouldn't trade it welcomed in family life today where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most and Wilson and Andre Wilson and you can find his life today.com or on our family life, family life today when you first discovered that I struggle with porn star rate. There how to who you I was shocked, angry, I had feelings of self-doubt, insecurity. I was really mad at you because we were in ministry.

So I felt like what I thought this was other guys not my husband, which then took me directly into well I'm not that much and so maybe it's because of me. I'm not enough and you feel like you had anywhere to go to get help was interesting. Now I feel like I had nowhere to go but I was amazed that you said you can tell everybody if you can tell anybody want I'm an idiot for words which was shocking, especially being in ministry and we had just started our church 30 years ago. Some wives you could talk to yeah but it's something that's really hard and scary. It's embarrassing, and especially back then. Hardly anybody was talking about it and I was going to bookstores looking for books somebody help me and I couldn't find anything today. We got out there sitting in the studio with us. Curtis and Jenny Solomon are back available after they woke Becca, thanks so good to be here.

Vision as as our listeners are found out you not only talk about your struggle yesterday, but you've written two books, one for man, one for women on the ridge of the titles. The first one. Curtis, you will redeem your marriage hope for husbands who have hurt through pornography and then Jenny wrote reclaim your marriage. Grace for wives who have been hurt by pornography why the words hope and grace. I know you chose so specifically what were you thinking for does, especially when you struggle with this for a long time, you begin to feel hopeless and believe those laws that this will never change. I can never be different and really it's pointing to the hope that we have in Christ in our books. We want people understand these are storing all our story and it's about what he did in our lives and that there is hope you can by his grace and with his help and all the other means of grace that gives us overcome the struggles you know Susan, just a guy struggle. We all know that but I think for me, there was a period of hopelessness thinking as you said, even yesterday. You know, you win fro a period of time.

You think maybe you have one. And then you slip and if you do that several times or 30 times you're like it's never gonna really go where you felt that absolutely Jenny, you thought that about him.

Hi dad, yes. So how do you get to a word grace. Well, I think a few things.

One is just recognizing that any strength we have as wives to stand up against her husband sent to do the right thing to keep following Christ even when the situation feels bleak, requires the grace of God that he gives us a spirit that power at work within us is that same power that raised Christ from the dead, and so when I think of grace I think of strength and I also think of forgiveness which if a marriage is going to work after pornography, there has to be repentance there has to be reconciliation and there has to be forgiveness and so I think just thinking of God strengthen me and then the power that forgiveness brings together and that one word is what what I want wise to think of when they see my number that's really good and Curtis you had this great analogy about the leaves in the neighbors yard.

I thought that was a good way to describe what happens in a marriage with stenography stolen from Jimmy as she came over the first but it did make such a great image of a search of the cover of my book has leaves falling in it to mine because we live in a place with trees was growing up in the desert was very new to me but we would go out and rake up all her leaves and then after while I start noticing all the leaves coming into our yard. I thought we handled this is done.

And lo and behold these leaves looked an awful lot like the trees in my neighbor's yard and they had just moved in the year and not once rake their yard that entire year and so we just kept going over what you love your neighbor's engineer should point us like this is how I feel with your pornography. Things like I've done everything right and a sense of taking care of guarded my heart of taking care of myself. I haven't done this but now your pornography, your sin is pouring over consequences into my life and just like our lives, our relationships are yours don't there is no boundary you soon. It affects your other relationships and ensure that analogy with meals like so true. But nothing she would testify that her heart really grew and that an understanding to that word grace the you can get on his high horse like been perfect. I've been right and you're the idiot what's going on for you think my life would be happy. Our marriage would be great if you can get this under control and so we pushed all the blame on her husbands. Is that wrong to do that. Jenny well I think his sin is certainly 100% his fault, but when we think about those leaves blowing into our yard. What do we do with them.

Do they become bitterness today become rage do they become just uncontrolled words that you unleash whenever you feel like it in a torrent because you're angry and he deserves it, and he deserves their thoughts yeah and so I think we still need to be controlled by God spirit and think about the fruits of God spirit and what that looks like even in a situation where husband is 100% wrong.

Curtis and I are sitting with two wives who both are married to husbands who have struggled with this in what would either one of you say because I know there's a lot of wives listening right now horse and my husband struggles to get it could go the other way, but there listening and there sitting where you set a guess not like it's over but you both weathered the storm. What would you say to the wife that's looking for hope and grace in their like I don't know where to turn on. Not sure what to do. My husband just confessed or I know he's hiding a secret and I don't want to ask is I think I know what the answer is going to be talk to the wife. What would you say well I think the first thing that I would say is learn from my bad example and persist in pursuing help because we did several times at the beginning of our marriage reach out to people and ask for help and we either receive no help or we received bad advice or we received some help for a short amount of time and then those people were busy and that's understandable. The burdens of ministry are heavy and they quickly turned to other people who are needier than us and just kind of left us scene a few steps along the road toward healing, but definitely not where we needed to be.

So I would say ask for help and if you don't get the help.

The first, second or third time.

Keep reaching out. It's worth it. It might take time to find people who actually begin to be able to step in your situation and speak words of life.

But don't just clam up that you said you get better advice was better advice. One of the first books we were encouraged to read by really well-meaning friends was every man's battle and I don't remember the helpful parts of that book. It's been almost 20 years ago now, but I do remember very specifically that book talking about giving the husband his release and it made sex sound like a tool that you use to keep him from sinning and I think I took that on and felt like a means to an end's for many years in our marriage and that wasn't helpful because sex is a gift that God gives you to enjoy together.

It's not something that you do to make sure your husband doesn't sin. And so I'm really sad that I got to have advice so early edit such from formable time in our marriage. I wouldn't want that for anyone else.

That's really important to I think my advice would be. It is true. Like Dave, you are the one that maybe send in that area.

I had my own sins that you started that and then I had a choice of what to do with what you told me and I think what I did many times with.

I felt justified in my anger justified in my resentment and my bitterness, not realizing that now I have a decision to make. Will I trust God will I take the steps for healing not just thinking this is your problem you need to go get help and then will be fixed.

This is our problem and I think even that right there thinking you need me. I love that you guys are so open and honest because Curtis you need Jenny to take those steps to say like I need a counselor and so to realize like this is our issue now and that's not surprised. God knew that you guys were going to get married.

He knew this was already in your background Curtis and so guys wanting to use this opportunity where Satan wants to separate you God saying I'd like to bring you even closer into one another's lives to fight for one another and also Jenny to fight for yourself a saying I can't do this. I don't know where to go. I love that there are so many counselors now that are so helpful. Walking us through the steps and I would agree if if you feel like this one's not working. This counselor keep searching yet. I think you as I listen one with you. If you agree. Curtis you know and is my ally and she's my partner and she helps me win you probably feel the same way about Jenny, but at the same time if I struggled I did want to tell her because it would hurt her and she's my soulmate and I felt more comfortable told a buddy who's gonna hold me accountable and just sort of keep it a secret for man because it's like what I heard her again I'm just going to win this one alone is never work that way.

I thought it would work that way.

It was like I really needed to bring it in the light with an and letter in the battle, but often it hurt her and she either really got hurt or mad and so then I lied I meant we got the point where she said you struggle on the trip. Unlike no slant because it's going to hurt her and she's going to bed and so then you get this double whammy like now live in a line in my own marriage I said I would never do that.

Did any that have them with you guys yeah absolutely loving and again reiterating the either person in America struggled with pornography is not the other person's fault. Mike is 100% that person is struggling but of a person can be supported and helped in the fight over, or they can exacerbate the problem but they are not the source of the problem, but it definitely felt that way and Jenny would justifies that she did not always respond well which then makes it harder for you as a husband to respond because not only do we see it as her but we sometimes see our spouse in the struggle as an adversary as opposed to summaries against those who like hunting in Trenton uncovering detective and find out all of our problems and then jump on us and accuses him of tacos in the book.

I really try to help husbands understand that you need to see your wife as your second greatest ally in this fight. She is for you and nobody has a greater vested interest in your growth in this area than herbicides. Jesus. Jesus is our number one ally. Your spouse is your number 20 and then you have 3 to 5 guys that are your other elders are helping you in this fight, but until she's on board. Those ministries not on board. You can't continue the fight. You're not going to have all the resources that you're ready to fight this battle. As you will when you see her attempts to help you overcome sin acts of love for you knobs, aggression or attacks against you, that was a really big shift for us what well what would you say you know I asked the wise to speak to wives what would you say Curtis to a wife that would be helpful for her to understand to help her husband notes to help her understand like don't give up on him but lean into the problem.

While his sin is not your fault as you mentioned, and it is your problem together and you will be his greatest ally and it's not just as a sex object.

There's so much more to the relationship that you're going to help them in Jenny points really wisely to Abigail and her counsel to David when David's going to crazy and just kill Nabel. The Abigail is an example of a wife who stands in the gap for her family, even to the point of nothing Jenny actually a lot of pushback against the book when they released the first chapter of her book online. A lot of her women were saying hey your books called reclaim your marriage. How can you reclaim your marriage when you're the only one fighting and that she was like these women try to write you because I want to encourage them and give them boldness to to fight for their marriage in the stand up and there are a lot of people who would say like. Wives should never confront your husband, and she really wisely lays out there know what you actually need to if he's your brother in Christ, you are responsible to confront him even to the point is if he's refusing to get help, refusing to confess his sin. You're going to need to do that for him and get him the help that he needs Jesus a courageous woman offers a lot of courage to win and when you use that word confront are not talking about angrily going after him. I mean, Jenny, did you confront him and how did you do it I did.

I mean, my counselor and I developed what we thought was the start of a good accountability plan and we sat down with him and said these are the things that are can happen and I think it's important when we talk about that. We talk about accountability and then I think coupled with that we think of what is appropriate vigilance look like in day-to-day life and it's a few things are important. First of all, if you are trying harder than he is to maintain his purity, you're gonna end up being a babysitter or the porn cop or just a nightmare really a nanny for this is one of your number one lies for women in your book you say my vigilance and discernment can fix his porn problem that's a lie right you're talking about right and that is absolutely ally is the Holy Spirit is the one he's going to ultimately change husband and so I tried to make a delineation between babysitting and helicopter hovering over your husband purity and saying if he is cooperating with the spirit, there is an appropriate vigilance that says you know what, I love you and I understand that this porn industry is ruthlessly coming after people with smart technology they're making targeting you in the same way that the swimsuit company targets me every spring because they know it's I'm gonna be looking for a new swimsuit and so their throne adds at me. The porn industry does the same thing and so for me to say to you, it's a really heavy burden to bear. Especially when I know this is an area that you're tempted. What can I do to make this burden a little lighter and then you begin to be able to work together to say like this is a team effort. I want our home to be as safe as possible for you. I know you go out into the world every day and you work hard and you provide for our family. So when you come home like what can we do to make this a place where you can rest and you don't have to worry as much as possible don't have to worry about porn coming into the space and attacking you. And so that that's what I've tried to delineate in the book is to say, obviously no you can't reclaim a marriage with a husband who is hard and fast. This is what I want. I'm going after porn that's a different situation, but if you are married to a believer and he is struggling and feels that pull of the spirit like he's falling but is also getting back up like there's so much that can be done by a godly wife in that situation so encouraging to hear. I think for a lot of women, a lot of listeners like okay there is hope.

How do you discern he's fighting and he's not, you know, given I like is a wife.

When did you realize okay he's he's a good man and wants to win this battle. He's just struggling. Yeah, I think humility is the marker to look for. I think for us. It was seen Curtis come clean about loopholes that he had been using to say you know these are kind of there and I could look at them, but I really want for him to be strong enough to say like that's a weakness to me. We need to shut that down that humility be specific about that, like with a loophole for a lot of people, dogs, or some other kind of accountability software is really prevalent now but and now they're constantly catching up with things.

But at the time if you come is on your device is a special and mobile devices is a browser only accountability. So if you hadn't outside of your web browser where you could access solicit images and now that is what social media is so easy to go so having apps on mobile device that couldn't actually track activity now was certain phones that have screenshot accountability so despairingly take screenshots of what is really commensalism little of accountability there but not that's not available, and even all devices so like for me on my phone.

She has the account out apps my phone. She has a password for that.

We just take off all the apps that can access any kind of Internet and if I want to update apps I have to go to her just unlock the phone. We update the ups walking back down when that's done stuff like Jenny, do you ever feel like his mom like all I have to given this password. I really don't. I think that the fact that he wants me to do that is another marker of his humility for him to say I don't want to have this temptation in my life. Would you help me out in this way. I feel grateful to the Lord every time he comes to me and says hey unlock my phone. It's time to do some updates I just thank God and say you know what father this. This is a sign that you're working in him. Thank you that I can be part of it can add one more thing to the markers of humility that is helpful for your listeners. I would say one more for me. Really significant thing that shows me his humility is his tenderness toward me, and his willingness to listen to my sadness. So even in writing this book.

There were things that we had to discuss more in depth that we hadn't really talked about in the past and so just for me to be able to bring us up to him and say I forgiven you, and for so many things I'm still sad about some things and we haven't really discussed them and I'd like to tell you some more and just to have him weep with me and say like I'm so sorry that I hurt you. In those ways. I'm so glad to know those things and I think earlier in our marriage. There wasn't that tenderness in those moments of confession. There was more.

He was a little gruff in a little more at a distance with me and so I think that something that wives should look for in their husbands is just a desire to say like I understand my sin impacted you please tell me more about that I want to know you and that suffering and I want those things to become deterrence for me in the future when I think about this temptation. Not only am I deterred by my love for Christ. But I want to be deterred by my love for you and ways you been hurt. I don't want to revisit those and I don't want you to have to revisit those things part of it is running the biggest part of the Holy Spirit's repentance road void working repentance because an unrepentant person as defensive a broken and contrite heart doesn't try to defend oneself, so she would bring up things like that hurts just an acknowledgment like will hurt her way worse and I need to understand how she hurts and then also seeing it was just a way of loving her and fuel for me to fight that battle still just added added levels what she was saying of motivation to fight and one thing I'll say about her being a parent, or whatever.

It's a little annoying and so irritating that I can't do if somebody told me about an app I can't download it right there was like that's an opportunity for me to grow in humility and to continue to trust the Lord and really the better thing is it guys. You know the pressure that you're feeling. If you want to fight this. You know that internal pressure of light. I've got my phone in my pocket and it is a whole and there's a pressure of like am I going to give in and am I going to look tonight. Am I gonna go whatever and just have that removed is such a blessing. And so I don't see it all as her being my parent but her being my all in this fight and her carrying a burden for me or helping build a defense for me, but I wouldn't have and now it's like what she said are our home, visit porn free fortress give the enemy out so I can come home and relax because we all know, I was in the military. We talk about going out outside the wire.

You gotta be on alert