Curtis & Jenny Solomon: Our Story: Sexual Addiction

One of the things that it was missing was a lot of times in couples counseling.

Everybody just turned to me like okay if we can get your problem resolved and there there won't be a problem in almost no attention was given to Jenny and the pain that she was going through in the questions and doubts the insecurities and things like that they're going to her and that's where she realize like I know I need help your family life today where we might help you pursue the relationship, not amount. And I'm Dave Wilson and you can find is that family life today.com or on our family life, family life today so we go to ride vertical marriage and I mapped out I would write these five chapters you write these five chapters in on day one. It didn't go the way I thought right well I mean you mapped them out and then I got on my computer and I thought okay thank you I feel like writing about inside started the chapter was called Dave's neck problem and I start flowing. I'm like okay I'm there right now all I know is I'm on another laptop in another part of friend gave us this big house and I look out and ends on the deck and she's like going crazy now what is she writing.

I can't believe she said into it so I pull up you know I could do this. I pull it up on my (I see this title defect from like what stage that I never got about this and long story short, I think listeners by maybe heard the story, but you know it was about my struggle to turn my neck when a girl in a bikini went by in our first year marriage, which I denied. I even did it was all true. So I sit down day to to write a different chapter and then I'm like wait a minute if she will Dave's neck problem and perspective.

Dave's perspective and here's the thing about that so I sort of tell my side story but as I got about halfway through the chapter.

I had this cause was like okay do I talk in this chapter about how I struggle with porn. Decades later, in other words, about your 10 or 12 of our marriage.

My first thought was know this is one of those sins that you just keep yourself. My second thought was that he writes about this in the Christian world. I will be honest and sewer goes when we senator publishers on the run.

We thought those two chapters will never make it in the book, which is fine. They came back and said those are two of the most helpful chapters in the book because this is an issue that needs to be talked about and working to go there today. Folks just so you know this is critical to understand and talk about it. We have a couple in the studio today with this Curtis and Jenny Solomon, who not only written about it, but they been honest enough to say we want to help people. So were to tell people our story. First, follow me say Kirsten Jenny thank you for being here family after they welcome. Thank you for having us supposedly Curtiss Wright redeem your marriage hope for husbands who have hurt through pornography and then Jenny wrote reclaim your marriage. Grace for wives who have been hurt by pornography. I honestly don't know if I've ever read a book for wives. Is there anything out there, Jenny. There is not anything from the perspective of the wife who stayed in a marriage that I know. I think ETD wrote a book that I did use for research and she talks about a situation where she and her husband eventually did divorce and so that was one of the impetus is for writing as I wanted to say what does the situation look like when there's reconciliation and healing and hope that actually in Christ you marriage can be stronger on the other side of this difficulty, I would say that Dave and I been speaking on marriage for probably 35 years.

Yeah, it's a 35-year-old. That means, but I would say, also in the last seven years. This is the main focus that wives are coming to me about where their husbands are struggling and they don't know what to do, but it's also there's women that are struggling with it as well and Dave Leakey say the same is true for you all and you guys would know you put some of the statistics in your book, but yeah men come to me rapidly.

I mean it's gone from a day when I was a young boy and a teenager and even a €20 where you had to go find a magazine and you basically didn't do the work. It's like I'm not going to do that. I don't want to do that but if it ended up in your lap. You struggle today. It's in your phone it's in your life to its everywhere, so the problems heightened and out your counselor. You do counseling therapy you teach at a seminary you've got kids so you're living in those worlds. Do you agree, is it just a day and age where this is pretty prevalent. Oh, it's massively prevalent it's almost are basically going every situation and having worked in this ministry were.

I don't think has this person seen porn it's I assume everybody has asked us how much of a struggle. Is it for each individual because it's like you said it's in everybody's pocket.

I just wrote a blog for the release of this book talking about how we need levels of accountability added back in your sign, even decades ago, you had to look somebody in the face or talk to somebody to get illicit images to yourself, but nowadays it's completely anonymous in a relatively obviously, God knows and its everywhere.

It's almost impossible to not see expressions other place of the world where it's on advertisements and the types of pornography. People are getting into is getting darker and darker and darker. It's unfortunately not a shrinking problem, but a growing.

So what's your story.

Let's hear the Solomon journey.

We met in similar group in Arizona. She grew up in Arkansas. We met in Kentucky. We both started at this automotive theological seminary the same semester started attending the same church and what made you both go to seminary was on your heart. So I grew up in a home where I didn't hear the gospel and friends from high school invited me to church and I heard the gospel at youth group and responded and became a believer and God just put a sense in my heart that he was calling me toward ministry. And so for the next several years, and I even some I still feel like I'm still working out what that means you got what's your call for me. What is this look like. I think what I've come to now is that I'm not gonna know until I get to heaven and look back and see what he's had for me.

I think what he wants me to know is this next step and not worry so much about the grand picture that he's unfolding but I went to college and I started out majoring in PE which I loved, but along the way.

I just felt this in my spirit.

This this tog. I guess that PE was wonderful that God wanted me to have more training in his word more equipping and so my sophomore year I changed my major to philosophy and religion's.

I got to study the Bible and it minoring in physical education because I still loved it so much but when I reached the end of my college career, I really didn't know what was next. For me, but I thought while God is calling me to ministry the best thing that I can do is know his word better.

And so my parents had told me at that point that I was an adult. They help me with college and they said once you're done with college. You're on your own didn't have any money so I applied to several seminaries and the Southern Baptist theological seminary in Louisville Kentucky gave me a scholarship and so that's where I ended up, and Curtis and I met their first semester. Curtis had achievement at that when I was 14 I really felt the Lord: beautiful time vocational ministry, and I thought there was going to be as a senior pastor, preaching all the time, and from that moment forward to put my eyes toward Bible college and then had no intention of going to seminary I had a lot of those stories about seminaries Cemetery. As you go through sold blood in my senior year of college.

The will and the more I learn, the more I realize I didn't know and to the president of the college got up and said, hey, some of you will not have the opportunity to go to seminary and you just need to get out there and start doing what else call you but for others of you the opportunities there and if you can become a more polished vessel for God to use to our Lord I'm going to seminary and start looking at a few different schools, wanted to diversify my education a little bit, and while my professors pointed different schools different strengths in a new biblical counseling was central to what I wanted to do in the study. Actually, my counseling process will if you want to be up pastor, not just a preacher or a really full Lord and ministering to the whole person. Go to Southern the term villain so that I know you're going to meet your wife.

There goes that was probably the best-known October. That was the you really doubt about it barn be best so you met the first semester did you date a long time are you record what happened so remote, probably August, September, and we got married that April 5.

The next oh I also see Arias students in seminary you everybody's married things better for the single students nosing the students think is better for the marriage that's is what we do, so that what happened after school. Immediately after long story short, the Lord led us to ministry were always going to be evangelizing discipling legislators and legislative staff in the state capital of Arizona from Phoenix.

So we went back to Phoenix that ministry through a number of things, imploded one session with the legislature. They are doing Bible studies with the staff and legislators once a week and there's some soon in the leadership, leader, ministry imploded, and were like God we just moved across the country from all of our friends and support back in Kentucky wanted to bring us here, see this thing to evolve and then he took us to the church in California, a small town called Pescadero or as an associate pastor and we had had a one year gap between guys there looking for royalty Lord.

Maybe this is why we were temporarily in Arizona for year and that's where we went over there. That's our son turned one right after remove. There are oldest our second son was born over there and then about 56 years and so that ministry is when I got the call to do the ministry under now being the Executive Director of the biblical counseling coalition. So it's a long story short I joke with people. My wife went Arizona, California, Kentucky, Arizona, California, Kentucky because that's where we are now in Jimmy always says let's not move anymore. But if we do it skip Arizona back if we go anywhere. Kenny, you guys had any conversation before you got married about pornography about your past. Did any of those things come up. Yeah dude yeah they did come up.

Probably in marriage counseling and other places like and just to write. I had struggle with pornography. Actually, for a long time the first exposure had pornography.

Rejection is about eight and those of my neighbors house and those were the people. My parents both worked so he and I were together all the time especially in the summers, no school hanging out in pornography would be a pretty prevalent part of that time did you experience shame. During that time that will absolutely like I was just torn because those grew a group in a Christian home and made a profession of faith and as a young kid was involved in a one out some and I was doing externally looks great.

Memorizing Scripture use leader. All this other stuff, but in the background there is this just constant struggle was born. Those going on really my whole life secret until I confess to my youth pastor. That one time and I think that was one of things that helped me actually will be will write this book is his willingness to share that he struggled was what enabled me to open up to him, that I struggled so we met.

I told Jenny like Josie knows part of my past something of Bill Wilson. She kind of asked me was like my truce is not to be a problem. Never again is autumn. I'm not sure I can handle this, Jenny. What did he feel when he shared that with you when you are before you even married yeah I mean we were only 2122 at the time and I was so naïve and I had no experience with sexual sin.

And so I just really wasn't on my radar personally, but my dad had had an affair, and so my first real exposure to sexual sin was at age 15 when I found a letter that the woman he was having an affair with had written to him and I had a panic attack when I read it and said that just started for me a long string of having panic attacks pretty regularly and especially related to anything that had to do with sexual sin or things like that was a real trigger for me. So when he shared his experience. I said I forgive you. It's not that, but I just need for you to know I can't handle that. So if you can't promise me now that that's never going to be an issue we probably aren't right for each other, which was a very naïve thing to do.

That's definitely not advice I would give to anyone, but that's what I said at age 22. Did you say okay though of course yeah thought this was in my past. Yeah, I thought it was my past didn't had no desire to go back to the wanted.

I think we have this idea in our minds to it. Once I get married and can actually have sex then this won't be an issue. I think that Jenny and I think there was a sense in which I thought that it just wouldn't be a problem will solve the whole path. Yeah so so unless super long and actually was an issue again for me a little bit in our engagement which was short as you just heard yeah but I didn't come clean wasn't honest about it was the secret you are you fearful of absolute limelight will I thought she would know for sure but that's what I thought especially based on the conversation we had.

So I kept it secret so after we were married. I remember the first time were I came clean in our marriage. No devastating for her.

Do you remember the first time Jenny vaguely. I do remember during that season. There were confessions and just being crushed by them when they happened sometimes with reach out and try to get some counseling.

A few different times sometimes years and years ago by and then something else would come up and a lot of times it there would be an accidental exposure by God's grace, a lot of not seeking this out but was in the military and so guys would have stuff around even in the office of lockdown facility by myself with nobody else around in cable and does bring in magazines.

You know this right there in your face, and I would give into those temptations try to hide it for a while try to buck up and over, and say I can get over this I can do about myself. All those things that we tell ourselves and then conviction. Again, confession more counseling.

Other help those kind of things and Jenny here you are, your living your nightmare absolutely did you feel betrayed and I felt betrayed and I mean there. I think there's a sense in which any time there's a bit trail you feel crushed, but also I think because there were lies before we were married. I felt like there is a sense in which my agency was taken away from me. You know what I have married him if I had known. And so, especially in those early years of marriage when he was in the military and going through that cycle, it would come to my mind often would I have married you. This is an even fair to me that now. Now I have to deal with this. I'm under the weight of this and I don't even know that we would be together you know if they had been exposed earlier feel like okay this is happened and I know that Dave used to say I will never happen again. And at first I believed that Mike okay that something in the past. I actually believe me to yeah at first I really thought I can win this one and done and then after a while it would happen again and again and I thought now I cannot even cannot believe you anymore or get my hopes up that this'll be conquered. I felt consumed by it.

This is my life now, and I responded horribly enough. I know that looking back now and will talk more about this Jenny, but I thought is this knee is there something wrong with me there so many doubts and fears, insecurities, and I wrestled with that and I think a lot of women do, of wondering is this my fault is it, Ella, and then I would go to like one of course is my fault. You know, look at me now.

He, I'm sure that I'm not enough. And so it took a long time for me to get out of that cycle of anger of trust did you struggle with trust. I did absolutely yeah there was a point in our marriage, at which I just stop asking how he was doing because one I didn't know if I would believe what he said and to I thought with him. Not gonna believe them. What's the point of even asking. And then three I didn't know if I was in a place emotionally where I could handle the truth if he wasn't doing well and he shared it with me so it's not that I didn't care. I still wondered all the time how he was doing, but I just didn't want to ask. So how in the world did you dig out of this sounds pretty dismal. Been over a decade in the marriage and we were struggling, and she actually found the know I had gone to the retreat of sorts and really been convicted and written down a note to myself like I need to come clean my accountability friends so she found the snow and she comes down throws and inferences. What's this about, and I said well I'm in a bunch struggling have been forthright with my accountability partner or you within days she likes you to stop talking to me and said you need to find a counselor and were not talking until you do and we got probably the best counseling we've ever gotten.

At that point, and a lot of people coming alongside us to encourage and just really really really cutting off access for those things were people asked the question why how to climb out of this, or how did you get over it and I think sometimes we have a expectation of what faithfulness looks like.

I would say one since I'm not over it. But we are working really hard to maintain faithfulness by cutting off access having accountability relationships really mostly pursuing the Lord and just growing in adoration for him because that's just like any addictive type of behavior.

A lot of times were going through those things to give us something that only God can give. And so for not growing in genuine love and closeness with him all the other stuff it has to be all of these things combined in this daily, weekly, monthly, moving forward towards Christ towards each other and away from those things.

Curtis did you get counseling on your own as well as couples counseling. Yet we both got some counseling on our own and you had to find Jenny a counselor. She lay down the law is great and she was clear for her not for us. Yeah, she was very clear. I need help anybody who counsels please don't here say about drug like one of the things that it was missing was a lot of times in couples counseling. Everybody just turned to me like okay if we can get your problem resolved and there there won't be a problem and almost no attention was given to Jenny and the pain that she was going through the questions adults insecurities and things like that they're going to her and that's where she realize like I know I need help here. What kept Jenny from divorcing Curtis in just a minute. The first person, Jenny, have two books available. The first is redeem your marriage hope for husbands who have hurt the pornography and secondly reclaim your marriage. Grace for wives who have been hurt by pornography you can get your copies@familylifetoday.com or by calling 800-358-6329.

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Right now, here's an and Jenny on finding hope when all looked lost in divorce seemed likely. So, Jenny, that last counselor that you found what was different with this person for you. I think going into it where I was emotionally was hopeless because I think at that point, the day I found the note in the car.

I thought this is never going to end and I don't want to divorce him, but I think I will if I don't get some help and so I need someone that's gonna tell me how can I love Jesus, how can I stick with him and bear with this and I think what the counselor said that was so wonderful as we certainly talked about reconciliation.

We certainly talk about forgiveness, but the first thing they help me do is come up with an accountability plan that I was comfortable with that actually was covering all the bases and the problems that I was seeing and saying you have the right to insist on this like his body belongs to you so you need to go to him and say these are the things you're gonna do, and then I think once they gave me that freedom to use my voice and have some agency and say I'm not okay with the way things have gone we are dragging this out of the closet and into the light.

I don't care if you want to or not. I think that I was able to hear the other things about the reconciliation and the forgiveness and the bitterness and anger that had built up in my heart and I think once we got through some of that in our relationship was growing and he was showing repentance and those things that I was able to move even further in and say what about those panic attacks that really sometimes or about him that really are about things that happened even before that with your dad yeah will hear lots more tomorrow from the Wilson's when they're joined again by Curtis and Jenny Solomon to talk about the importance of remaining an ally to your spouse like we said our weekend to remember your spouse is not your enemy.

I know that's easier said than done, but will dig into that even more so tomorrow on behalf of David and Wilson. I am Shelby Abbott will see back next time for another edition of family life family like today's a production of family life accrue ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most