Sexual Purity: What’s It Look Like?

So me, you need to get a different job because of the person you're working with is temptation. So you need to get rid of the Internet in your house and you just to be out of touch, so you need to stop watching the show that everything is so amazing is got a great storyline, but still was much ask God to help you see how is the sin getting in and you can do whatever it takes to cut it out.

I think you gotta set yourself up in such a way that it's hard to sin and that you have help that abounds both of those were closest to you and ultimately from your God. Welcome to family life today to help you pursue the relationships that matter most and Wilson and Dave Wilson and you can find this@familylifetoday.com or on our family life is family life today so if you could think of one of the hardest things to figure out as a follower of Christ, of all the things we navigate as a Chrysler what first comes your mind how to become like Christ that would be okay well you think I mean I was thinking, temptation, well it kind of is similar, but I think in one of the things that I underestimated as I came to crisis.

I didn't think I'd be tempted as strongly as I was as a unbeliever nonbeliever. I knew I was tempted then I thought, you know, in Christ, power got my life that the temptations would be there, but not very strong and I was shocked to feel sometimes a burning in my soul for things that were sin, and I thought it would be that strong in the way.

I was shocked that it's a war now my life mind lies that I would still struggle with identity issues of thinking what's wrong with me. I'm not good enough. I'm too damaged because of sexual abuse. I'm not worthy, but I also had a sense of judgment toward you.

This is terrible, especially because you're a pastor and I am judging you based on like how can you struggle like this.

I mean, because I'm thinking here you supposed to be better than most people because you are a pastor that I felt the same thing. I think every follower Christ knows were talking about, and sometimes it's unnamed or secret, but we've all felt that burn that desire to do something that's against God's will in our life and were in some way shock is the center like how I when this right and source and there were Derrico back with us today again and talking about temptation and sexual temptation, but it's any kind of temptation really Garrett welcome back to family life. It's good to be back and enjoy the great days talking about your book pure in heart sexual sin in the promises of God, your pastor, you been a pastor for how many years now, but 17 years of pastoral ministry so supported in Texas and now past nine years, adore about Tristan Alexander and married with 6606 yes, yes, but you is what she ¥13. The youngest is three months or named Tobin the goodness of God. Also here in the middle of family life. You're just glad to be here on a trip my wife like what you actually she's a rock star always and especially on days like this, you will obviously the book pure in heart. Sexual sin promises God. We talked for a couple days about your struggle with pornography and again if you didn't hear that. Go back and listen to a case you didn't want things I've rarely heard a pastor ever doing number one confessed it to friend. But then publicly to the whole church may most pastors either get caught and lose their ministry. You modeled when you struggle that it's okay to confess it and God met you there and we talked about that for two days and many of us have been there. So here's a question. How does a person win over any sin whether sexual sin pornography, you name it. How do we find victory and I get I want to get to you title your book pure in heart.

What is it mean to be pure in heart reasonable. It doesn't look like first.

So when I was Christian probably walk Lord for two years or so with a group of guys will be clear as we talk about this that social temptation is something that's both men and women. This is not just the guys the right right so this is is a pastor keenly aware of the guys was about 10 of us and glucose is like the holy club or something like that you're trying to trying to walk in holiness and will meet on Saturday mornings we would sit in a circle and in the middle of the circle was a big jug. It was that if we did sin that week some way that we needed to walk up confess we had done and put money in the jar and then you go and you sit down so everybody had to be walking up to the job. Just see that's the problem. Some weeks you would walk up and you would confess in promoting the jar and walked back feel the shame within the next week.

What happens if you walk in the and you didn't send in that particular way you get to self righteously sit there and say no on this this week. I did wonderful and use that illustration and its will risky be the reason I use it is because so often. That's how purity is thought of its thought of as a performance is thought of as an end in itself… Everybody was called was that being the end in itself, but for me there was so much weight on. I want to look good in front of other people and I want to not have to confess that I was on this constant roller coaster of shame and self-righteousness that was just unstable and I think we look in the Scriptures. That's not what purity is about. So Jesus lays out a promise for us in Matthew chapter 58. It's one of my favorite promises Mrs. Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God. What we learned there about purity is that purity is not an end in itself.

It's not just looking at pornography or not committing adultery are not giving into the urges of same-sex attraction are not giving into whatever else it may be. Those are good things to avoid and God's glorified when we do, by faith right but but there are means to an end and the end is to know God is to see him to know him to enjoy him. Blessed are the pure in heart because you get to see God, both now in this life and in the life to come. When I begin to understand that it was was liberating. And it's also strengthening is like secreting 318 says that the way you grow as a Christian. The way we grow is with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord were transformed from 1° of glory to the next. The way you grow from degree of glory to degree of glory is by looking to him and pursuing him and saying no to the promises of sin because the temptation is a temptation simply a promise locate there some pleasure for you, that's going to come but you're gonna have to not trust God and your to come over here for this thing, whatever it is it is always immediate satisfaction right. But Jesus lays promises. I know you fight fire with fire.

When temptation comes, you could have another promise. So first couple weeks ago I was sitting in my car I really have social media on my phone.

I just learned it's hopefully the knowledge that typically don't have my phone set up to where I can put a gun to my head I couldn't pull pornography like right now I'd like you to that my fudge could for that day I downloaded social media have to post something my wife has my codes on like every time I downloaded out. I'm sorry where 13-year-old can you unlock my phone so I could download it I've neglected to turn it off had it on there and I was in my truck. I was just scrolling through and somebody posted something. It was sensual. I wasn't hunting for it, but it came up in my feed and in that moment feel the urge of my, goodness is a part of me.

My flesh is like.

Just take a look. Just one look, just see what if this is really what that was you that's all that. And in that moment I got to make a decision is the promise of sin, which feels so true better than the promise of God's what I do, that moment to say Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God.

Lord help me so I block the person to leave the app text my wife yesterday, honey, just to let you know I was just on social media and I saw something sensual.

I didn't stay there didn't linger a block the person and I believe the app but I wanted you to know that I copied that and I texted to my three other buddies to Jason to Chris and to Ben just showed white semi wife and I just sent to them because in that moment. What I know is that I am too weak to just fight this if I just leave that up on there all day and go back and then after lunch.

I'm little tired and a little sums gone wrong a few little entitled little self-pity only weaker against that. So I had to go grab a promise. Ask God help me to believe it and I had to get in the light with other people right away. Learning to live like that takes time, but that's the way to purity is like I want my heart to be filled with Jesus and the way we get there is by saying no to sin yes to him and doing the 10 million times until we see him face-to-face.

Something about purity culture because that was when we were raising our kids and I think what you're saying is all.

It was wise.

Okay, here's the goal, but we were getting into.

This is who God is well worth it will be great. It was more of like just meet the demands of speaker filigree and that's where it certainly there were some people.

I'm sure in the purity culture heart rate right know that the movement as a whole. I think were shortsighted. We feel like that when you think we didn't even apologize to them like you guys are hearts were right, but we kind of the way to meet product to you probably wasn't great because when the just not doing is the goal we miss what it's intended to lead us to that which is to see Jesus and Jesus. That's actually where the strength comes from to keep fighting is a more that you walk with him. He strengthens you in the same way that when you given the sin what you want you a little more than a little more and it gets stronger. It's like a beast that you feed stronger well the spirit. When you cultivate trusting Christ strengthens the I was gonna say I know you're a pastor and and even a theologian, so talk about the theology of purity being something that is my identity in Christ, as opposed to something I gain by performance so if I'm not a Christian I am in sin of sin… Like before. As a Christian I loved my sin, you have to command people soon because it's enjoy was whether you do it right and that was my identity.

My daily was wrapped up on this or that when you become a Christian couple things happen.

First of all, the spirit gives you eyes to see Jesus now not just as dying and rising from the dead, dying for you and rising for you and it becomes personal. You are given eyes deceive you, united with him and now you're given a new standing is called justification were justified were declared righteous before him and we are positionally pure right before God, there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus you are his child, you're forgiven. Now the Spirit, who lives in us now produces the life of Christ in us, so he is transforming us day by day step-by-step decision by decision to make us look more like Jesus practically so positionally were holy and we are being made more holy sanctification were instituted were being made more like Jesus. And that happens as by faith God is working in us giving us strength. We obey him. So just like what happened you that the day in the cart. There was an act of obedience was by faith that lie lean in by grace to a promise. I look to Jesus and he makes us more like him so me performing correctly is not what gives me a right standing with with God my identity is that now I am in Christ of Christ. I died to sin is a sin no more.

You don't have to do what you used to do because you're not used to be your dead to that'll person Roman success.

You died with Christ and now you're alive in Christ and there is new life and there's new power so I think it's what lies I didn't believe for a long time. I remember thinking I have to keep doing this is real. I'm never really good to be free and I just I believe that lie and it took some really hard days and some true honesty and real accountability and to stop drinking in the well of sin to be able to begin to walk in the light is not an overnight thing you know is no switch. There's no pillars, no shot the you can get like a white look of arrived. The process talk about your marriage. When did this look like it sounds like you and your wife are super open you have accountability with her. She knows all of you. So what is that look like for her in this journey of the two of you, this rose every every couples different.

So what my wife and I do may not be the best for everybody by think of some principles we need to. So a Christian husband's primary job is to help his wife to heaven and a Christian, wise primary job is to help her husband, heaven you would help each other to look to Jesus together.

So if that's what we got married we want we want to follow Jesus together. Part of that is we want to help each other to fight soon so she knows my temptations. She knows my struggles. She knows my patterns and just sat down had a conversation about this to where I use coveted eyes, which is a reporting thing McKenna keeps track of everything you look on the Internet.

One report goes to one of our fellow pastors and overgrowth.

My wife, which is a huge deterrent is not the only thing you need, but it's usually helpful so she gets that and if I'm feeling tempted I will often his bouquet would you pray for me that she also knows that I'm to be more explicit and very detailed in my confessions to my other brothers in ways that I don't think she wants to hear about her needs to hear about necessarily unless across a particular threshold and those brothers would be like. I think you need to reach out to the carrier you need to talk to about this.

So we've all kind of agree on what those thresholds are for her. She wants to have a general pulse on how I'm doing and she wants to build pray for me and encourage me and that's been hugely helpful and then with these guys. I'm very transparent and we've learned to be very honest in our confessions, and one of the things we learn to do so even as you heard that that example we try to confess our temptations, not the temptation, sin, being tempted is not a sin. Jesus was tempted, he wasn't sent but when I'm tempted there something I want to sin which Jesus didn't struggle with.

I found that if you get that into the light right away. It helps because otherwise if you leave something there, it just lingers and over while starts looking a little better start to get a little stronger so that's why you gotta kill it and get in the light right away so we we trying cultivate that that relationship and other been times when I did look at that they are compromised well of today and I'm not a sin and those of the hardest conversations you guys have been public about your own struggle with that and I hurt her yet. Here's all the questions about the for you and also for listeners, probably wondering okay how about trust you know when your husband is confessing her your wife confessing sin and maybe it's in a month or maybe it's been a day. But there's a sin again, or maybe the same struggle, where the weather's porn or whatever you start to lose trust like wow yeah I'm I'm glad you tell me, but you not when you say Dave I've talked to so many wives, especially because I'm talking to wives a lot there. So discouragement is not winning. This is been going on for five years and I'm tired of his promises.

I'm tired of insane you know I'm gonna win this time when he stated them so you have a word for the husband's work for the wise good first last first thing for the wives. Remember that Jesus is near, right and that you are rightly being grieved. It is wrong for your husband to sin against you in this way so you don't need to feel ashamed that it hurt you. It makes sense. It hurt you now.

I think in your anger Ephesians. I do not sin.

So don't retaliate evil for evil. I think you want to pray implead that God would they help you to trust him to believe that your husband's struggle with the sin is not about you it's about his problem with Jesus like he looks up or not because you're dissatisfying because he's dissatisfied with Jesus. It's his. It's his fault. I think ask God help you to believe that that's true, ask God to help you to grieve appropriately so it is right for you to to grieve that he's hurt you but it's even more important. Ask God to help you to learn to be grieved that he's hurt God, we often times are so horizontal in this conversation that we forget that the ones we've chiefly sinned against is gone. So pray that your heart be broken for his relationship with God, which was equal over time produce some compassion which is necessary to compassion in the sense of piteously go.

It's okay. But like all I want his heart to be free so we can know Jesus as he should.

And then you want to help make sure that he's in the light. So if if he's just not telling anybody at some point you needed to tell them I'm going to go to talk to the pastor, because I need help. Like that's the most loving thing sometimes you can do is to go and say my husband needs help. Please call about, there's a lot more they are not more endeavor for the husband's brothers. I would say as you can.

Remember that your sin always affects others and you got understand that you are hurting your wife, you are tempting her to think that she's not enough and you gotta know that all of those women or men or whatever it is you're looking at on the Internet like they're lying to you.

They don't want you there paid to act like they want you, but they don't want you and what your hearts really looking for is Jesus, and forget who made the quote so he said one time the young man goes to the brothel is really looking for is God like what you're looking for is God. God the only one that can give you the affirmation that your soul is seeking so you gotta know that chiefly. This is an issue with you in the Lord. Secondly, you can look at your wife and see that's an image bearer, and as she weeps you're supposed to see. That's how Jesus weeps you're grieving him your sin against God. Feel the weight of that now. You could feel and just feel ashamed and think I just can't move. And this is where the gospel comes for you. The good news is that Jesus can meet you in the midst of your mess and his arm is not too short to save but you are too weak brother. You are too weak to do it by yourself. You've got to reach out go to a trusted friend, whose godly, go to your pastor, whomever may be. If you are pastor call fellow pastor and come into the light. What I mean by come in the light is not like him, struggling, I mean, tell the whole truth, and then you've got to do whatever it takes. Jesus said cut off your hand plucked out your eye. You gotta do whatever it takes to make getting to sin. Impossible. So whatever that looks like for you like one of the things we do, how many hundreds of dollars are paid to Verizon for my pastoral fund for guys we take down and get back their smart phone and get a flip phone like one of our pastors Mark Bowman godly dude, he has a flip phone and he is the worst Texter but that man is holy. You know you know why because leaders are not people lived for thousands of years. Thousands of without computers in a bucket and it's not smart to have a smart phone. If it's leading you to hell.

Jesus it's better to cut off your hand and pluck out your eye, than to go to hell then explained that because I don't listen are going on that I gouge out my Irish he's literally using a metaphor to teach you how drastic this is Sarah demeanor. There's a story up in the book about a guy who gets his arm caught in a piece of farm equipment and its own fire and he's gonna make a decision.

Is he gonna burn to death or to take off his arm and cut off his arm. Why is he wanted to live something you need to get a different job because of that person you're working with is temptation.

So you need to get rid of the Internet in your house and you just to be out of touch, so we need to stop watching the show, thereby things are so amazing is got a great storyline, but still was smut. Ask God to help you see how is the sin getting in and you can do whatever it takes to cut it out to right now. If I'm if I can find porn like the amount of barbed wire that I have to climb over in order to get it. I pray to God would just help me to have sobriety to get. I think you go to set yourself up in such a way that it's hard to sin and that you have help that abounds both of those were closest to you and ultimately from your God. And that's were again we just want to say that if you're listening to this. It's God's providence is wise arranging of things that you tune in at just this time to hear that there is help and he has come to set you free and there's a way out and Jesus will help you and listen. Husbands and wives.

If you feel like it, so fracture because of been sin against one another. I want you know he can heal it.

He can heal it.

It won't be easy.

It may be a long road trust does get rebuilt. So husbands or wives if you sin against one another and you very like will have you ever looked anything into months, and they're still hurt will realize that you've sinned against them and it's going to take time to rebuild. You keep loving, keep seeking Jesus and he will help you man. It is a great word. I know you know when I was growing up, to try and find porn was crawling over like you said barbed wire fences. You couldn't find it yet to go to a store and buy it so you didn't know it unless you stumble upon it. You didn't today as you just said center pocket. It's so accessible so we have to like you said, set up the barb wire and man. You modeled it so well. The brothers that you have in your life. By the way everything you said about a man struggling could be to the gentleman or to the same thing is just supply it to you yourself if your wife, I felt like I wanted a resource that I could hand any man or woman anybody is married or unmarried summary, maybe struggle with same-sex attraction or whatever may be or someone who's not struggling and wants to help somebody.

Here's a resource to meet you or your there will show you that Jesus is the answer.

What that means practically to be reset for gas, gray, and I would say go to family life that, if we can help you. We are here to help you. Thanks for linking/may want to think about this topic they're just so many people who wrestle with this can stuff myself included, and the conversation today has been gospel centered goal to really it's been helpful, practical, and encouraging because it shines the spotlight on Jesus. Jesus is the solution and Garrett Kell along with Dave and Wilson have really highlighted that we need the goodness and grace of Jesus in order to overcome sexual sin. And when we fail, not if, but when we fail, God extends to us grace and calls us into something more profound. If you want to find a copy of Garrett Kell's book pure in heart, you could head to our family life resource center@familylifetoa.com to order a copy or you can give us a call at 1-800-358-6329 that's one 800 F's and family L as in life, and then the word today to order a copy of Garrett's book pure in heart, and while you're there all this week when you make a donation to the ministry of family life to a we want to say thank you and by doing that we want to send you a copy of Sharon Jaynes's book when you don't like your story. Her question really is this overarching question is, what if your worst chapters could become your greatest victories and as we been talking about sexual sin. Today there some pretty bad defeats there some bad chapters in our lives. In this book helps us to discover that God can turn those things around not only helping us to see victory, but also bringing glory to his name and drawing people to himself again.

That's our gift to you. When you make a donation of any amount. All this week@familylifetoa.com will send you a copy of Sharon Jaynes's book when you don't like your story. If this content today or any of our family life programs have been helpful for you. We'd love you to share today's podcast with a family member or a friend, and wherever you get your podcast you can really advance the gospel effort of what were doing it. Family life. If you scroll down and rate and review us now. Tomorrow Damon and Wilson again to be talking with Sharon Jaynes, the author of the book that we've been offering as a thank you gift to you. When you make a donation to family life.

She's written a book called when you don't like your story.

What if your worst chapters could become your greatest victories that's coming up tomorrow. We hope you can join us on behalf of David and Wilson. I'm Shelby Abbott will see that next time for another edition of family life to family life to a is a production of family accrue ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most