Marriage and Sex: What No One Is Talking About

So always loved dogs that start this way. What no one's telling you about… Me too, don't you is a hook feeling like you're going to get backstage again to get inside the truth when everybody's dogma, but no one's telling you this so today we get to do that about a very sensitive topic.

What no one is telling you about the married sex excited. Welcome to family life today to help you pursue relationships that matter most and Wilson. They will soon and you can find us@familylifetoday.com or on our family life. This is family life today.

I don't ever remember hearing God's perspective, or even what God's word says about sex all grown up now know my mom basically I went to church.

Almost every Sunday with my mom remember one sermon when I was a kid growing up from the pastor on Sunday morning about sex and here's all I remember.

He said it was wrong.

It was dirty.

It was bad. If you do it you go bald the ballpark, but I remember the other bar and by the way, I'm pretty bald, so without telling myself. Yeah I think that's a funny joke today when you talk about this topic. Sometimes you gotta just bring a little humor because is not always the easiest thing to talk about right, especially as I'm sitting here looking across my wife, who we been married 41 years and this is not been an easy topic to talk about even in our own home, and I think that is for most couples. I think that's true. I think scary. There is hires of fear that not enough for you. You're disappointed in me, yet it's not an easy topic to talk about me and it's hard for us as parents to talk about with our kids. And yet it's critical because the cultures talking about it constantly. Yeah, and they're talking about it in ways that we would say that's not the biblical viewpoint because God does have a game plan and he has a purpose and we had never heard that before.

So I think this is a great thing to talk about it for today's today were no one's telling you about sex and tomorrow you get to take online assessment. The family life is put together for an online sex course.

That's very helpful that we've done it will walk you through that look like, but today was talk about what no one is telling you about sex, which is really one of the lies. One of the truths about sex and here's one interesting statistic, married couples are having less sex today than ever. In the last three decades we've seen that because we've been speaking at the weekend. Remember marriage get away for 30 years and I think that's very true. Why what you think we I'm asking you I'm asking you through every question about the topic back to me.

I think there's a lot going on in our culture today and I think porn has a lot to do with that that there's some struggles and marriages were men and women are looking at porn outside the bedroom so their self gratification. I think that and I think it's just something that's very difficult to talk about and that's what were talking about. It's like okay what is God's heart. So let's just give a couple thoughts in the time that we have two sort of debunk some myths and here's one that I think would shock most people if you want to have great sex go to church what to say. And now I don't we go to church and have great sex. I mean if you want have great sex you need to bring God's perspective God's word God's heart into the bedroom into this area of your relationship. When I say go to church.

I mean, get God's heart around. This is really interesting.

There's been several studies done over the decades that asked basically American couples.

How's your sex life and here's what's really interesting. Almost every one of those studies have found that the best sex and again this is a couple saying we enjoy our sex life there. Both the husband and wife thing.

They both enjoy it the best sex being had in America is by Christians that that's shocking how would you define Christians followers of Christ. People who go to church say they say I believe in God.

I believe in the Bible.

I believe the Bible says about sex there in a covenant of marriage. They're saying they're the most happiest in their marriages in the bedroom than other couples. Now let me just say something here listening thinking okay. I was really hurt by the church and what they said about sex because we had a recent conversation with Julie Slattery and Ron deal about the whole purity culture time where some people felt hurt and maybe they were told if you stay pure until you're married, it will result in the perfect sex life and that's not always the case that were not saying that if you do everything exactly where God want to do is convene instantaneous, wonderful, miraculous sex once you get married what was some of the belief of that whole movement, which in a lot of ways there's a lot of good and that we talked about that when we talk about the purity culture, but there was sort of this. If I do this I get this which mean sexually easy and wonderful marriage that's not what were saying, but we are saying when you bring God into the bedroom and do sex his way. Couples are saying they are happiest in their marriage which is a beautiful thing. After listing one of the passages that you look at when you think about okay what is God's perspective on sex is found in first Corinthians, where Paul is writing a letter to this church in Corinth, which by the way was having all kinds of issues with sex outside of marriage is trying to say okay let me help you understand God's perspective of this and he says sex is reserved for the covenant of marriage between a one man one woman so he puts boundaries around it and says you can do whatever you want, but I'm telling you the best sex is going to be done the way God wants it, one man one woman covenant of marriage for life. That's what when you do research to find out what couples are finding out yup that's the way God wants it to be done and looking for strength and seven I listen to this I want you to respond to this. He says the husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband in the same way.

The husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, so if you trying to take that prescription from God into your married life in your sexual relationship, how do you play that I mean I'm looking at that thinking this is important to God, and personally I think between the two of us.

When this is a regular rhythm in our lives mean just love making sex that are vice and what's regular how many times a week when I can give you number right, but when it's a rhythm in our lives. There's a closeness like there's an intimacy.

It's beautiful. It's a spiritual intimacy at the physical intimacy and it's beautiful when there's neglect in this area.

I feel distant from you and I think that's what God is saying like is this important part of the covenant of marriage. It will bring you together. God never gives us instruction that will cause us harm. It's like all this will be for your good and will be for the good of your marriage and I really believe it's bringing Jesus into every area of our lives and are married yeah and I think one of the things that I don't think we always understand when you bring God into your bedroom or you bring God's heart and perspective into your sex relationship. It changes everything, because it puts a covenant around your marriage. It puts selflessness. Hopefully God transforming your heart into the bedroom which leads to better sex of is not about me it's about you is about mutual pleasure rent not just my pleasure changes everything.

So I think that's why couples would say, as Christ followers are having a better sex life. You can be really mad at me for asking. Know what I don't do this, you're supposed to tell me when you get to do the stuff you know, just do it on-air live. I'm not in get out now. I'm turning my head to you, listening right now, don't even ask me what one of you is like yeah yes I want to do this.

I want to bring Jesus into this and the other ones like now I don't care about that like this is an important and I'm not really about bringing God into the bedroom. Go ahead and answer your own question.

I know you know you at the answer is you today. I me my first thought is, you cannot control your spouse, you can only control yourself, and so I get on my knees and pray that God would change my heart and per the guy would change her harder, his heart coming. That's what I would do to and if there's any kind of abuse going on now then that's a different story but were talking about good wheeled people. I would definitely be on my knees praying talking about this saying I desire this area to be great, and so yeah I guess say the same thing.

This would be one of those areas in your marriage that we often don't pray about, why not pray about your sex life and if your spouse will pray with you about this. Pray about that together.

I mean, that's a very intimate thing. So first thought was, if you want have great sex go to church. In other words, bring God into your bedroom.

The second thought that I don't think.

Anyways tell anybody about sex is your marriage bed is crowded and again that's just our way of saying what we have to understand in Galatians 6 says this what a man sows, he will therefore reap which also means what a woman so they will reap.

In other words what you've done in the past what you been taught in the past what your parents taught you yet another words, all that stuff in the area of the sex relationship ends up in the marriage bed. It's like a crowded bet. I know it's a strange way to say it, but if you've had past sexual experiences you think they're just in the past.

Here's our culture say have sex with anybody to soak up hookup culture is no big deal. It's not can affect you in any way. It's just a hook up.

Oh yes it will affect you in my right yeah I mean this is the point I want to cry about because we experienced it in our marriage. Not thinking about my exposure to porn from four years old through high school.

Past sexual abuse. I brought that into our bed. People like people that I would had sex with before I was married at age 16 and so then I become a believer in following Jesus. And I'm thinking, oh Lord, like I give you this area, not realizing that all those things affected the way I view sex. The way I respond the way I see you the way I see our marriage and there is a beauty to it like it sounds awful and I think many other things is like I didn't know that you had a problem looking at women and there is a very brief time at the beginning of our marriage. He struggled with porn.

Talk about making our bed, crowded like that so hard and yet as we talked about it. We dealt with it. I mean, I had some counseling classes we read books about abuse of how that affects your marriage. Pat made us better when we talked about it, prayed about it, ask God to heal it and certainly didn't happen overnight but man it created an intimacy more than just physically. It was emotionally and spiritually. Yeah. And I think what the cultures not telling you is that they're telling you a lie which says it's like separate what you did in the past.

If you look at porn.

It's like a separate part of your life. It's like it's over there but is not really can affect your marriage bed now your marriage in a covenant. The truth is when no one tell you is know all that is connected because sex is more than physical. Its sole your bringing your soul, and so all that is connected in your bedroom. It's interesting again back to the book of Corinthians.

What Paul wrote about this area very interesting. He said in first meeting 612 everything is permissible for me but not everything is beneficial and others where freedom God gives us freedom to live, but that doesn't mean everything you can do is good be beneficial and then he talks about the sex relationship in verse 18 he says, flee from sexual immorality.

The actual words there's cornea that means any kind of sexual activity outside of marriage flee run from it says all other sins a man commits are outside his body but Houston sexually sins against his own body, which I think is a way that Paul and God is saying to us, you'd understand sexual sin is uniquely different because its sole and so there's a heaviness to it that you got understand man when you make bad decisions in this area.

It comes into your marriage bed, but with the NSAID God redeems God for gifts God takes the mess that we made in our lives in and miraculously make something beautiful and you said earlier, we've experienced that because we brought bad decisions into her bedroom, not realizing even in year one we experience it in year one of our marriage decisions we have made in the past with other people were affecting our marriage and our marriage bed will talk about what you are seminary thesis was well. I mean, I decided to study the effects of premarital sex on married happiness because because I had seen it in our marriage and not to my seminary thesis is are written on this. It didn't even get finished, but the study I did highlighted what we were seeing. The reason want to do it. As we were experiencing. This is this, then, yes, I found out is very, very common, but what I didn't know, and now I know then in 40 years later as God meet you right there. He redeems our lives from the pit he can bring beauty to your marriage and even to your sexual relationship and the rhyming you went through sexual abuse, and God. Mia came up in our marriage so yeah and it was some you had to deal with and I had is your partner to come through and say okay I'm gonna walk through this with you as well. And now we look back and say God is a healer. God is a forgive her God meets us. It's actually some lives very hard but beautiful and emerging right yeah I think it's so important to talk about these things and if you decide to do this sex assessment it gets into some of this into the past. I think it's this can create some good conversations to have okay we had time for one more but just to review the things and though it's only about sex. The first one is if you want to have great sex go to church bring God's heart and perspective into your bedroom.

Secondly was so important your marriage bed is crowded know the words what you've done in the past is going to show up in the present but I was want to highlight just so nobody forgets is God redeems God heals God forgives. Don't you ever forget that that is the beauty of God turning ashes to beauty and now the third one great sex is really hard work. I would say great sex is really really really hard hard hard work. I'm getting better not get is like. It's this liar, this myth and we believe that Lee sighed it is like I get married sex can be awesome to be wonderful to be easy, especially if you do it God's way. You know you you save it for the coming to Verizon to get married and it's like it's gonna be awesome that it isn't always that awesome and that easy. It's really really hard work. What's so funny. One of our sons. It was our first son that got married and down. He was in the bathroom getting ready and his younger brother came in who is still in high school into the bathroom and thinking this maybe a junior sophomore and he said to this bad, you realize what can happen tonight, you're gonna start getting to have sex like every single day several times every single day of your life and I just was walking past them and I heard that conversation and I was like I need to have a conversation with and I remember later saying so when you get married you think that you know you think that that's can be happening every day he goes well. Several times a day, and I said all I you know, I'd probably be good for all of us to have a discussion about the reality of what that looks like because that can happen maybe great but then it's not always easy, yeah. And also when you have kids and life goes on over the picture. They sent us that same son sent us a picture of their bedroom.

Years later and they have four little kids. Now there was a slide a little tykes slide on their best to do these bunch of pillows at the foot of their bed, unlike you, how much sex they have an ill right now. We had to we were there. Yeah kids in there. We can overnight. I mean, it's hard work at different stages, but it's also one of the reasons that I found out it was such hard work is I really didn't understand how you viewed this how we talk about this at the we can remember marriage get away. We do a whole session on God's perspective on sex and was a we talk about is how men and women are different. Not just physically but even in our in our thinking about this. Well I don't know, and we share the space for so some people have heard this, but I don't know if all women are like this.

I feel like a lot of us can be wired like this where it for you.

Sex can be in a compartment men can be more compartmentalized and some women and sell if you think this is happening tonight. That's the only thing on your mind where I know this is happening tonight, but I am thinking about a million other things like do we have milk in the refrigerator for the morning to find a way were not saying that we walk on house look at each other like this is happened and everything are just times you know that's exactly what it is like to give Angelos a look and so that I like to have milk you have enough to pack a lunch, my mom sick. I need to get a birthday present for my friend. I don't worked out in five weeks, and I feel terrible about myself and so women were allotted time for carrying the load of so much on our mind. I don't like my job and I feel like I'm not getting along with a friend and so here you are with one thing on your mind. I'm carrying a million different in the bedroom waiting, hell yeah because I forgot one thing I'm I you can walk in there with all these and when you do this on stage and some of you seated in our vertical marriage small group study. You show this with luggage.

Literally you pick up bag after bag bag to show what women feel like as they walk in the room that have all this on your thinking that the dog have water and thinking that like as I'm traveling into that deck talk water tonight and so here you are like you're already in third gear and I like cold I'm like I've got nothing going on except all of my thoughts and that's so frustrating. I remember sharing this with you the first time you like. That's the most depressing thing there was but the thing is when you share this on stage in our we can remember or the vertical marriage weekends. We do women start sharing as you're doing this I had a man cannot to me and said honestly. I thought my wife was the only one I thought I should divorce her like this is horrible and they're cheering because they relate like a lot of women feel that very same thing and so what I'll say even to the man who could be feeling like that so depressing. This is where God comes in and we become selfless and we serve one another because I say to the man if you just said your wife. What's the heaviest thing you're caring right now and what can I take off of your plate and put it on my plate to help you be the most romantic thing you could do today.

Yeah, and the truth is why we say really great sex is hard work is if you're willing to do that work. In other words, when I started understand that's how your mind is its carrying all this at first, is like, and some men just not just to try it off, you could be men gather carrying a lot to but what I had to learn to do and this is where the selflessness comes in when Christ transform you from the inside out is not about me it's about how do I love you. The hard work was like help me understand the I remember thinking I just can it be here on my stomach and you just rub my back. I just give me a little massage estate on the back, don't. Don't let your hand drift down to stay on the back for like two minutes tonight and that was like a gift to me that I could just unwind and on release all the things I was carrying my dinner in two minutes of the bedroom feels like watching the Lord of the rings. It's like two minutes since forever.

There were joking but doing the hard work of understanding one another, of understanding how her marriage bed is crowded of understanding God's heart on this. All things we just talk about that hard work is worth the payoff and I'm not talking just great. So I'm talking a great marriage relationship union of the soul, which is God wants more than the bedroom.

He wants you to be connected in the covenant of marriage which will overflow into something beautiful. Even in marital intimacy. How we come together as husband and wife is an area that is brought with challenges with issues and it feels like there's no place to go to get the help you need.

This is very personal and so it's not something you just talk with your friends about this is one of the reasons why here at family life. We've put together a private online course that husbands and wives can go through together.

It's called the nearly complete guide to better married sex and it features Ron Diehl and Julie Slattery offering counsel and advice on how husbands and wives can experience what God intends for us to experience in the area of marital oneness in marital intimacy. There are five sessions in this online course, there's an assessment you take as a couple at the beginning of the course and that each session includes a video from Ron Diehl and Julie Slattery offering counsel and insight on the subject of marital intimacy.

There are activities for you to do is a couple additional audio resources.

There are devotions for couples to go through and read and pray together. All of this is available for you to use privately as a couple and you can get more information about when you go online to family life to.com look for the nearly complete guide to better married sex again go to family life to.com and the information is available there. If you have any questions, give us a call at one 800 FL today, 1-800-358-6329 that's one 800,000 family L as in life, and then the word today, not tomorrow. Have you ever asked yourself the question doesn't really matter to God whether we are experiencing oneness in every dimension of her marriage including marital intimacy are married sex. David and Wilson will talk about that tomorrow. I hope you can tune in for that on behalf of our hosts Dave and Emma Wilson on Bob Lapine. We will see you back next time for another edition of family life today helping you pursue the relationships that matter most