Intentionally Listening

About 10 years and we figured it out and we wrote fair fight rules and we were learning them all along, but I give the first just the beginning of the principal when you're under pressure you have conflict you want to be heard. The objective is not to be heard but to hear some of my job is to listen, and our rule is, I have not listened until she says I have welcome to family life today where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most kind and wealthy and I'm Dave Wilson and you can find us@familylifetoday.com or on our family life. This is family life today so I remember sitting at the family life. We can remember marriage get away two weeks before our wedding went. It was a phenomenal weekend. In fact, I gotta say this you know before we jump in if you want to go to family life.

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They're happening right now. We pay full price. You can do that family life today.com I'm telling you, it'll literally change your marriage but we were sitting there engaged two weeks from that Saturday were going to be getting married and on their forget Dennis Rainey was on the stage and got the time, president and founder, family life, and he said something like this that I know exactly because it's in the in the manual. We now teach it, but he says conflict is common to all marriages. All marriages go through all what you think I we were sitting there before get married and we both thought not our marriage.

I really thought there has been no one on the entire planet that has loved and love each other the way we do no one and I every couple thinks that like nothing compares to our love for one, and I remember sitting around watching those couples take notes, we can take any notes were like two weeks were to be in this bed David had in the more days that we can. I just remember thinking they don't love Jesus like we do. They obviously don't love each other like we dare not going into full-time ministry the way we are and then we get married yet. Is it a week rate first five months is also a five-month letter by me with their struggles, but we were fighting daily if not hourly within five months and I think many marriages experience SOL today. I think a lot of couples get into marriage thinking it's can be great, and they don't have a handle on how to deal with conflict really didn't, and that's what we learned at the weekend to remember those getaway that we have to pull that menu out later get some help on conflict today is Marcia Myers back in the studio with this, they wrote a book called the second happy, which is you talk about a great title for a marriage book like there's another happy available to us. You know, we had the first happy right right you have a second. Anyway, welcome back to family. You guys are pastoring in the Atlanta area, for we are €33.34 somewhere yeah you have to knows the longer it goes, the harder it is up with them now.

Yeah I seven yeah, you just do it in fives and tens is rounded out.

Yeah, years go by so fast.

It was like no, that was last year that it was there yeah you you know you've been married 3039 yeah I got that window okay for kids for grandkids yeah yeah it's it's pretty fun because your lives are really similar to our lives.

You know, in turn, to start a church 12 stone yes in Georgia and pastoring in you know it isn't seeing a lot of people in the church tend to think the pastors marriages are just right. You're like us.

We've said from the stage. We have problems we struggle and they still sore, walk up to you like yeah you know we have a little problem but nothing like ours like you have conflict but nothing like our conflict in one of things you talk about your book is how to do conflict well. So let's you were so good at it from the beginning we could've taught the conference you attended, but we weren't invited. So far from interesting, because earlier you've already talked about that, Marcia. You kind of shut down a little more conflict yes and then calving.

I'm guessing that you're coming in there. I pretty I'm afraid so.

No, I'm guessing that creating some conflict so this is exactly you guys out here fight or how do you support poorly and said yeah we he mostly was on the attack and it's not that I can still hold my own, but in my own way so as I said before I'm stubborn and also the silent treatment kind of thing you know where then I'm going to ignore you are now yeah you that to me and Kevin that likes burgers on this homework going there you are really better and more mature than I was. Oh no no no no no no you give me the silent treatment. That's a challenge yet so I will steamroll you and all back on my best attack. I have to say, but not really godly, was on Sunday mornings when he was preaching now just having like looking at him and staring at him like a peaceful day you notice you one time I said in the background needed like the pastor, this is you told me that when I got home so you're up there preaching and you're in a conflict… The part people don't understand when they say we are married must revise. Listen we have learned how to look better than we live, and a lot of people have that art and that's almost part of the pressure in pastoring, but let's not pretend it's limited to the right people know how to come to church and look better than well yeah yeah and so gunny sacking conflict or pushing it to the side or just volcanically which my would be more volcanic like I was you I would get pushed to rage and I'm I'm going to be verbally aggressive get it off my chest simultaneously yacht a listen and perhaps agree with me somebody conflict resolution style was I'm right. Listen and you'll discover that reading with me and we resolve, is always over. I know people listening can't understand or talk is no no couples ever done this but I understand you say to her, you know, people will come and counsel with me and my advice my advice and dismiss it to you godly wise and discerning and they love me and I don't know what's wrong with you somewhere what what did you learn about conflict. Probably the most help thing I don't know I'm overstating perhaps one of the most used thing by other people that they say his help them the most is the fair fight rules about 10 years and we figured it out and we wrote fair fight rules and we were learning them all along I give you the first just the beginning of the principal when you're under pressure you have conflict you want to be heard at so what's understandably broken all of us is that you think communication requires you being heard and that conflict resolution begins with them here and you and the difficulty is, once you been heard you're emotionally done and that's the beginning of real communication, conflict resolution, the objective is not to be heard but to hear that has been said through Scripture that has been said in leadership circles that's been set up marriage conferences. This is easy to say it's incredibly complex to do. I'm thinking of James one right that we should be quick to listen, and I pray that I highlighted that are not a part Greek and you don't we do we take scriptures like that and we read them to our spouse.

The whole point of it was for you to take that in writing, but I would read and say Marcia, quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger, honey, that's what's brokering here so everybody has that challenge. On one side or the other so we set up what we call rules fair fights you watch him used to be boxing. Do you know what whatever fighting style you prefer. That's in the legal realm. They set a time. They've got rules. We have pre-fight set up and then we have fair fight rules and it's three phases.

So it's communication and that's four rounds it's compromise and that's four rounds and if necessary counseling for rounds is not overly complicated but if you don't know how to resolve conflict.

You have to be mechanical before your emotional or you'll never build the capacity to resolve. Oh that's good and that's hard and fast was hard yeah you get emotional because this is intense and this is a person who supposed to love you and you don't feel loved. You feel rejected or dismissed or on her door, or you don't understand you don't care.

So the first segment of communication. And it's because she's already said I'm forceful and I am so I talk too much and I know she talks too little and she knows it in a listen. If your couple your listing to this communication is being honest with who you are, we can laugh about it and you really you're looking at your differences and now you're honoring them. Yes, you drank it than I am. Yes yeah gads made USA way and we all have things that happen in our past to create some wounds that maybe shut us down or make us loud so I think that's a good thing to note and it's okay, it's true. So I guess than the rules and had to be under communication for rounds first round as she speaks. I listen and you can say not.

She always speaks first, no matter who calls the fair fight so we want to fight us on the we got conflict semester call for fight, they have to explain about 60 seconds what it is we set a date(s) coming home late and I knew this was going yeah you're starting a fight. Right now you women are you alright so what would you say you want to have a fight and you would be like that.

File play almost always whoever because of the fair fight the other one does not want to do it because it's in the rules. We will we obey the rule so you say I want to have a fair fight and the one who wants a fight has to declare what it is.

So I'd say you're always coming home late. I have the dinner made and were waiting for you have children, they need to eat we need to work this out and then we say okay instead of going into the fight right then we decide when we want to fight that's really important. I cannot respond one of the rules. I don't legitimize or dismiss ground request. I try not to roll my eyes. I just tells a lie is a rep get out the calendar and decide when we going to fight you try to do it soon. Instead of euchre Wednesday week. If calendars are heavy and kids activities. We usually have the kids have to be to bed for us that season of time. We have to be emotionally capable to engage it. Sometimes it stays down the road has to be concentrated. Time one of the things it would be good about this is you have time to pray now absolutely one of two ways. I used to build my case. In that time I see this sequencing this but I'm to win because I'm to do this, but what I've learned, and I'm sure you guys to. That gives you time, like Lord, check my heart. How should I say this house.

I bring it up. Is there anything I'm missing. So I like that it gives you a little time that's yeah it requires that of you.

And if you follow Christ. The Holy Spirit is going to do that. Whether asking him to or not.

And still he is not, is it hard to not go into it right there because if marshes, not me.

Marcia use the word that we said family. I was never as always this summer.

I have family so you're always B you know we can talk about this tomorrow but I'm not always so do you find yourself like I have to exercise self-control.

I do want to do it right now it is time to go well. If I do right now so you learn you practice has only had a little yeah versus emotional. We say you have to walk the mechanical process do not emotional. That's what makes it nearly impossible to resolve conflict because when you express your emotions. You are rarely loving, love is a discipline.

It's not an emotion to value someone is a discipline.

It's a choice you make, and so I have surrendered that we are one, and therefore I care about this because she cares about this. Therefore, she gets to call the fight we set the time she starts even if I called the fight.

She starts 08.

Why does she start she always starts because I'm too forceful.

Also it's a choice. You are merrily on our marriage we don't think it's true for everybody. Okay, here's what we discovered. I cannot start without me solving while I start and I have got to learn to shut up and she's got to learn to speak up. Usually in your marriage if you don't figure out who's who you might have two people that need to shut up. You might have two people to speak up. We had a person that need to shut up me and someone the demon to speak up when not going to build resolve conflict.

Authentic love true companionship and intimacy if we don't learn to communicate in solving conflict is at the heart of communication. I really like that you're even like it's a good conversation of who would start thinking about that for us.

I'm sure people are listening, thinking who would start in our relationship. I think you would start.

I'm glad you think that is I think it is graduation you just got more out of your own interview that he just slid 20 bucks because I went to his favorite vessel okay so now when you come to the actual fight Marcus through it so like he said I would go first to matter what I don't understand how you do that so if you have an issue And you've already stated when it's about how way. Marcia started started. If he hadn't really know everything. Nine times out of 10.

If you have a conflict in your relationship you both know it and you both have a different perspective. So when I call for a fight and I say I want to talk about finances want talk about your spending.

I know maybe when he immediately has an opinion and I want to write about our parenting of Jaleesa, our daughter, our second child and I have to say something about that choice.

I think were over disciplining her on this. I think were not addressing this or I think were over investing in this or this is frustrating me she's like your dismissal unit given her. Now I get a statement, but I can't go into their there's a difference between giving context and trying to win so I have to give context we already know this, is that this is not oh we don't know we have conflict we know if so even though you brought it up. She still going to start. That's how we've done and then after the first person gives their perspective. The other person instead of just automatically rebutting yeah Hassett tell you back what they said so my job is to listen and our rulers. I have not listened until she says I have. We have literally had fights where it took an hour for us to do wrong one for her to speak and made a list until she said you have heard me head and heart. You have said what I said and you said it with the right heart so you restate back. He said he is here and in you going on another sunrise that's it until you get to yelp. You've heard me and you understand me. Yes, now you can go to the next right that process however long it takes in the early stages of learning how to communicate always shaves some of the rough edges off from a guy like me from anyone.

Whoever has yet is dynamic in them the Holy Spirit will soften your edges because we can't go on.

Now it's at that moment that you just want to bail say well there you go, you can't, and I wanted to run yeah and when you quit on communication you let conflict raining your relationship, you're going to be alone but you chose this is hard work we've been doing this for a lot of years. So we don't have to do it with the mechanics that were talking about right now. You did for some years. So then it's my turn. So once she says I've heard you. What she sometimes has to write her thoughts out to bring have to write Mina. Yeah, let's go.

I'm ready yeah I guess sometimes I have always very yes yeah so then I get to share my perspective and she has to respond until I say she's understood me head and heart and when you have walk through those for if you will rounds you have accomplished communication. Everybody wants to solve a problem before they understand the problem and so it's often broke because you want to compromise before you communicate. My job is not to say all right, here's I think a promising here's what we do so would you like to do that.

Sometimes I start with yours. We should do and here's why. I start with the solution.

Yeah. So this discipline of communication before you find a solution. So the phase 2 is four rounds of compromise and she has to give a solution and then I make sure that understand and that I give a solution and then we negotiate until we find one, and it is kind of help you understand the other person to, and doing it because something you would've thought of.

I'm not have any needs not Marcia you go. Oh well, that's how he thinks and now you understand how he thinks so that the next time you have a conflict you have that piece up. Oh, he usually thinks this way. So maybe the conflict isn't what I think it is. Yeah, you kind of mixed the two beauty is you really getting to know what to write exactly what you're saying Marsha like your understanding one another so much better and you asked her at the beginning to give an example of a fight. Yeah let's play this out for people member the you're always homely blessing to our compromise. So after we went through the rounds of communication and then we went to compromise. He of course made his points of the fact that sometimes he's has to go.

He's a pastor.

He has appointments or something and emergency crops up. He can't help that. But there are other times when he just needs to finish something you know and wants to do it and want to get it done. So we decided that we would set a specific time for dinner and that he promised he would be home, so I but I agreed with her. I said I agree with you. You make a meal were trying to build family were in the season of building family and we said we value family love the work I do and I'm valuing my work above our family because we have a very small slot in which to engage in family togetherness and is between 530 and seven and I'm blowing so I will get up earlier. I'll get these section of things done for an hour to work alone in the office so that by time I get to again today. I have margin and I'll be home at 530 in you, me know if I'm not, because there's emergency call, but right I'm going to move it from the exception to the rule and vice versa. Which means, as a rule, I was late and I made that an exception that honors her. That requires change for me that puts our family in the place of valuing that we both said it had and literally change the way I do my calendar in life to change the way I think and I felt like when he was late.

It was a good reason yeah so it didn't create the same conflict or exasperation that would have when you solve conflict. You also solve future conflict when you actually resolve copyright after you set up a marriage where you have less and less conflict over time because you literally build the mutual honoring mutual understanding and mutual grace. So we have all sorts of grace because we know the other persons committed to one another. Yeah I love the concept you developed of mechanical before emotional because we often get in a fight and we and we have done this like forget the mechanical we need to just and it's like no you can't get that that is critical outside and he obviously is a guy to play football is around the NFL forever.

There is out of balance and when you step out about yes the place over. It's like their rules mechanical and they help you get to compromise a help you get to resolution and as you said so well that helps you in the future. I'm something of a couple right now that's not been able to fight well. You have just given them tools to help them fight well and if you forget listen to this again better I get the book. The second happy read to the chapter together and say let's implement this in our marriage. I think it'll take us to a holy place.

This conflicts every day. It's part of every relationship, every church, every team, every business, every family, and we don't get any training in how to do well in today's been a training session I'm doing well thank you to take a minute and look back on your life. I'm guessing very few of us had any actual training in conflict and conflict resolution. What you saw in your home growing up may have been a destructive pattern, but it's all you knew, or maybe you saw nothing. Maybe mom and dad never modeled for you. What healthy conflict resolution looks like, and I'm guessing most of us have never had any kind of actual formal training on resolving conflict at the weekend. Remember marriage getaways that we host all around the country. We spend time walking couples through the biblical principles about conflict resolution that can help us get to a place where we actually resolve conflict where we can be at peace with one another. Where we can honor and respect one another. I mentioned that because right now there's a special offer for family life today listers if you'd like to attend an upcoming weekend.

Remember, marriage getaways, you can save 50% off the regular registration fee. We have three or four dozen of these events happening in cities all around the country this spring so you can go online@familylifetoa.com. Click the link to find information about when the getaway is being hosted in the city near where you live. Block out that weekend and then register today so you can save 50% off the regular registration fee.

This offer is good this week and next week only so you need to act on this quickly to family life to date.com to find out more about the getaway. Find out when it's coming to a city near where you live you can register online.

Give me questions call us at one 800 FL today, we can answer your questions over the phone again. Make plans to come to a weekend. Remember, marriage getaway, not just a word about conflict resolution, but about healthy marital intimacy about God's purpose and design for marriage about the roles for husbands and the roles for wives, all of it is covered up the weekend to remember again. You can register right now. I wanted family life to the.com and save 50% off the regular registration fee while you're on a website.

Check out the book that Kevin and Marcia Meyers have written called the second happy seven practices to make your marriage better than your honeymoon a great book for couples to go through together or if you're in a small group with other couples. This would be a great small group study to go through as well.

Again, check out the second happy on our website. Family life to the.com you can order from us online or call to order at one 800 FL today, one 803 586-329-1800 F as in family L as in life and in the word today. Tomorrow want to hear more about how to address the hard to talk about subjects in marriage. The elephants in the room. How do we wisely bring up important subjects that could be difficult to talk about David and Wilson will talk with Kevin and Marcia Meyers about that tomorrow.

Hope you can join us on behalf of our hosts David and Wilson on Bob Lapine so you back next time for another edition of family life today.

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