Adult Stepfamilies

So we haven't talked about this too much, but your mom and dad get divorced when you were seven and then your dad was remarried when you are 13. What was that like when your dad told you that he was going to get remarried and he didn't tell me what just sort of found out our ever remember a conversation my mom told me hey dad skid and remarried you. I live with my mom so I would live with my dad but I was shocked. Did you know have any senses like this is betrayal or hope that your parents would get together.

Yeah I mean I always thought that to get back together. It was just my belief with that announcement when she told me that I knew that dream was over. Welcome to family life today where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most.

I mean, Wilson, Dave Wilson and you can find us@familylifetoday.com or on our family.

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My mom told me hey dad skid and remarried. I knew that dream was over and is going to be a whole new life, and I think a lot of families experience a blended families and so today we get to hear a story similar from our family life blended podcast with Ron deal the president of our blended ministry or family life where he interviews Terry and Carol Moss about blended a family with adult kids. What kind of fun because Carol has her daughter on the podcast and Terry has his son on the podcast and so we get to hear from the adult kids of how this couple came together during Carol. Let me just at the scene a little bit as we jump into our conversation, you guys at this point have been married for 14 is lovely, blessed years and wonderful years. Carol you had three children and you married Sean Bill Kevin and Nina, who was six. Dad is with us today. Terry you had two children Terrence and Brandon, who was 25 Brandon's with us in our conversation today were to hear from him testament part of the reason I'm aware have this conversation today. The we were having is because as I've said on this podcast so many times and in so many of the books and things that we produce to help families, there is often a different experience between where the adults are and where the kids are and the adults are excited and anticipating the new family and what's to come.

And kids are feeling something different than that. So there's just a lot of question marks and unknowns, and some fear wrapped up in that in the gap between adults and kids means you gotta work hard to try to bridge that gap. In some ways, what were doing today is reflecting back on that journey for you guys and perhaps we were wondering where you are now and who knows, maybe there still a few gaps but the gaps are smaller and fewer of them, but I hope the listener is going to take away from our conversation today.

I need to figure out how to bridge these conversations with our children no matter what their age so that we can move toward each other in that process. Okay, so, get more from Nina in a little bit. Nina you had two older biological brothers and then when mom married Terry you got two more older step brothers. Yeah, right, and Brandon's one of them rent you are 25-ish when you found out and do you remember how you felt leading into the wedding. The announcement coming out of it one over the big emotions there. I wasn't afraid of anything. I was more hurt by what what what was going on so we live far apart from each other that you're still going with the time I was in Maryland I was in I was still time to process the end of the first marriage right so I wasn't a part of the dating in the relationship and you have stuff and I don't remember every little detail, but all I remember is when dad was ready to announce that there were going to get married in classic Moss fashion is gotta be so wrong Carol to town in my note that sister Mangini in Oak Brook.

They live in southern Maryland I lived in Maryland and so we all went down there little family time. He may have said there was someone else.

Come in, but I wasn't expecting Carol I wouldn't expect marriage. I was someone none of that was on your radar number.

So we sit down and it's a random person I've ever met don't know you are as you probably lovely was happening.

That is like one thing and then I remember holding my wife and with that mirror in the announcement come like Brandon just got were getting married. I was like who is looking around the room like I know we talked about to what so I don't know how many of these details are exactly accurate billing.

I remember very strongly for me it was like I don't know what was happening on what to do with this. I don't know how to panic, connect with this new family that's here.

You know, I think one good thing is and will give credit to dad with that is when he started feeling like there was some separation and that we wasn't gelling and that the boys on his side. TJ and Brandon may be filling a certain kind away when dad and it was heat like you do. My greatest at anything he brought. He brought everyone together so I was so dad called the boys to our home in Illinois and we spent a weekend together in which therefore you are able to sit and express how you are truly feeling about Carol this marriage in the whole gamut. So how you feel less be honest right now so dad to death in the very beginning of bringing everybody together that conversation was primarily with me to Jim Brennan because it was more I need to understand where they were because I start filling the distance in our relationship. That's what I said okay I want to pay for both of you to come to Illinois, one from Maryland and then one from California and they came. It was a Fourth of July weekend and they arrived on that Friday.

Fourth of July was Saturday and it was raining all day so was perfect day for us to just sit and talk.

I think we started 9 o'clock in the morning and think we finished up with a break in between there for lunch. We all ate lunch together by the whole family laugh laugh laugh and then we came back in after lunch the three of us and just continue conversations about 430 that evening and what I think it's important to ask the stepmother was to give them their time taking me out of it because it's not about me. I want him to have that relationship with his boys and it's about them validating the feelings I think is very important so we move myself out, Carol.

You know their stuff of listing right now, but none of you know I have to be in the middle of all of that I have to be there to represent me. Nobody speaks will nobody really knows my husband doesn't really understand what I'm feeling in the midst of this whole family dynamic. What would you say to somebody who makes that objection, I would say to give them their time.

It's not about you. At this moment it's about them and they've had a relationship with the whole boys lives their own lives – and their filling a loss and I knew that in order for this for us to blend successfully that they have to establish their relationship and they have to and it they have to be able to validate their feelings and express themselves. So let them have dad. He's my husband now so I have them prayerfully for the rest of my life. Let me take me out of it and that's the whole thing.

Take yourself out of it and it's not about you give them their time and that's how I thought at that give them the time appreciated to invite you to share a little bit of the conversation.

I think part of this might help listeners as well, but if not you can take out what will one of things. It was an eye-opener for me is again the purpose of bringing them to that conversation in that moment was to try to understand how we feeling and what's going on.

Why do I feel like distance is becoming a part of us. So we have started the conversation. I told her is just us three of us and be honest speak whatever your mind don't feel like kisses because you're my dad know whatever to say. It is so start offering TJ. The older you know I'm going to speak because you know we can talk about this and I'm going to tell you what were thinking. So he's he start off with our problem is because you and mom got a divorce. He said I live with. You understand that. So I thought okay and secondly said is not that you married Carol. She seemed like a very lovely woman. You seem to be happy, I'm fine, so not really in my mind thinking weight is not what is it I never forget this third thing and TJ said on behalf of T. Jim Brennan is a Brennan actually alluded to earlier, this conversation he said is not that not that it's the fact you have moved on with your life, your new family and everything your new life and we feel like you left us behind that was like who and having those conversations I had to be prepared for whatever the answer was. So when I heard that it was reviewing. I had to swallow, but then also said to them, thank you for sharing that I had no idea you felt that way and I gave my reasons why what you're distance are grown. Your life.

I didn't know that would be how you would feel wanted Brandon and TJ to understand that from me as well as the stepmom is that I'm not taking you away from them. I want to be a part of. And so that's how I wanted to present myself is that I'm I know that that your father and I know that how you guys feel. I don't want you to feel like I'm taking him away. I just want to be a part of. So my whole thought was, I'm coming alongside the head. I'm not taking him I'm not trying to control any of that. I just want you to see the true meet the true heart that I have and I want to just be a part of two or listening to a clip from our family life blended podcast with Ron Diehl interviewing Terry and Carol Moss about blending their family with adult children I tell you I love Carol's heart. There you know that she's expressing and I also know when my dad remarried I know how hard it is for the kids.

You even though my stepmom biot i had the same heart. she didn't want to take my dad away, but being the son you just felt.

even though she didn't want to. it felt like she was, you know, so we need to hear the rest the story especially from the kids. what did they feel an interesting little lie at the wedding. that's a great question. let's find out why selena do you want to ask that question the brandon also can ask okay because i'm thinking of actual specific wedding day you guys not actually being there at the physical when it was a limit to get the situation right when terry and carol got married. brandon and his wife were not able to be there were brennan and tj granted it were not okay so go ahead nina, what it means. did you guys see it was that an option that you didn't want to attend or you had the option you chose not to. what i mean. again i was younger so i don't know well yeah it wasn't really anything too deep.

i think going back to the initial story of the introduction. it was like happening like the next week or something, but we didn't really like it was like hey this is carol hey were getting married hates having like a month hey were going to be its destination wedding. the want come to okay like i'm still back at are you guys reconciling you to give me way more runway than this. and so that it was scanned on the logistics that you have wi-fi out of etiquette like okay okay we are going where will hawaii needs for how long did what like weight what's happening and we just were really in a place to to do that. that quickly nina sounds like you were wondering what that meant. yeah, and you were, wondering what if that made a statement about them and their approval of the marriage or i just always wondered right and not here's my question back to you about that because again is a very legitimate question. you were there right why are they there was this mean not knowing probably left some sort of doubt in your heart and mind and i'm wondering how that if at all impacted your developing relationship with your now to stepbrothers even if it was just in your head. how did that make a difference not necessarily. i think that question more so is based off of how i think i would've felt at that time.

if i was in their shoes by again like brandon said, logistics timing everything and if i can honestly say we didn't know each other that well. we all hadn't really come together as a family and all these are your to stepbrothers now everybody love each other it was never one of those coming to jesus moment so i just i just always wondered what was your guises perspective or your personal perspective on the situation.

you know, at the front of this conversation, we can wondered if it would serve you well to reflect back on the family journey. i mean i see the value in this because here's this little? that's been hanging over her head for a lot for 14 years. just wanted so what's the back story how come they didn't come to the what was that mean what were the implications of that. how did that impact their relationship with terry and carol with a seat on and just a simple question in a conversation and dialogue around this family journey to scan opens it up and all of a sudden ray gets a little bit of information they didn't have before. and now you know what it means. what it doesn't mean and sometimes i think that is a really important thing for blended families.

there's a good take away when you find out what it doesn't mean it helps because when you have confusion and ambiguity. your mind can go on a thousand directions and and 999 of them were negative and when you now realize, oh it's not that it was this, i don't have to make anything of that anymore have to worry about that anymore. that little piece of anxiety is is now removed and it frees you up to move in more positive direction. okay really close with this one of the things i know for adults and families. that is kind of this convergence of reality. this is a family and we gotta figure this out is special days and holidays, birthdays or christmas time at thanksgiving. you have this merger of traditions and expectations and all that seems to rise on those really big important special days that happen throughout the year. what's a good take away to share with our listeners about trying to navigate that from your point of view, it's important and was important for me to understand what were the expected traditions around certain holidays and then not disrupt that but try to come alongside and be part of that where also then look for opportunities you may bring in something that may be important tradition for me and how that how we can make that an us tradition so it's it's just really being mindful of and being intentional and not upsetting the apple cart and make everything is going to be my way or gotta be all your way and i don't feel like my traditions are important and nobody cares about what i feel when i think instead of that, animosity developing, just find ways to try to integrate and cooperate and come up with something and maybe even a new tradition for me. i want the boys to know that that he's always going to be there dad and that i didn't expect to come in and take him away. so if i'm seen as an addition that he's just not mine. he is ours and i i want them to know that i'm here to walk alongside him so like we said before it, our kids, and it's our children and we love them i love them equally and so i want to be seen as an addition, not as taking him away from and they welcome to come home for holiday welcome home. i know i love the grand boys and jazz.

i don't want this looked at as if it's some chaos the war or you know something that makes them nervous because i know that when brandon first baptized one of the boys and we finally all came together as a family and his mom was there and i was there any other grandma i just know that was just the beginning of nervousness as us coming together as a family and so i just branded and filled with this new person coming in so i just want to come in as an addition and validate their feelings there for. that's very important and this has to grow organically, not forcefully. you just took the words out of my mouth just allowing things to happen organically and to where things don't feel forests at all and just knowing having the love for my mother and knowing that her feelings and her emotions are being nurtured the way that they should be in the way that she would like them to be was was everything and especially with my dad coming into our relationship or marriage with a disabled child and never really having to had dealt with that before that that was something i know i personally appreciate it because my brother meant the world's of the cell cycle is this person going to come in and chantel looked at him as well. like i i love those moments of just being able to nurture everyone's personal feelings and allowed to happen organically was what i appreciate to even listening to her family life blended podcast was run deal interviewing terry and carol about their lender family and that's it was. it's a great ending think the stories are so encouraging because it just shows us the power of conversation and really conveying and expressing what we feel so often in families, especially in families that are blended may be that you're feeling a lot. there's a lot of emotion involved in that's happening every family landed but to have those conversations of same. what we feel, what we hope and what we love. i think that's really nurturing for our relationships and for our souls. and i think it's helpful as you listen to this. you hear the pain you struggle. you hear the hurt and yet at the end. you also hear god shows up and got heals something of the joy and emotion that surrounds marriage and two becoming one. we can sometimes lose sight of the fact that especially in a blended marriage.

there will be some unique challenges and we heard about that today from the mosses and from their adult children. one of the things were committed to your family life is providing practical help for people who are in blended relationships.

for whatever reason we do that through resources like the podcasts that you've heard you're not subscribed to the family life blended podcast.

that's a great resource to be subscribed to.

you can find that wherever podcasts are available in the mark your calendar now for saturday, april 2 four are blended and blessed one day event that is both a live event in houston, texas for a lifestream event that you can tune into and participate in all around the country all around the world. in fact, it's gonna be available both in english and in spanish in the live stream. this is as i settled one day event designed to equip and encourage them to cheer on couples who are in a blended marriage who have a stepfamily and who want to see their marriage and their family thrive and succeed. you can find out more about the one day blended and blessed event again.

the day is saturday, april 2 is information about this event on our website a family like today.com so go there and check it out. you can start registering for the event. now if you like to do. this is a group event in your local church gathers information available there about how you can host the simulcast in your local church if you live in houston. plan to join us that day. saturday, april 2 at houston's first for the blended and blessed one day conference that's coming up this spring quickly.

let me again say a word of thanks to those of you who are regular listeners to family life to the end who over the last couple weeks, rallied and called us or when online and maybe your an contribution to support the ongoing work of family life to the art team is busy tallying all of the numbers to see if we did in fact meet the matching gift that had been made available to us and were hopeful and encouraged by what we've seen so far. so thank you again for your support of family life to a and not just at year-end but throughout the year. you guys are so generous and so kind and we know that the reason is because you believe in the importance of marriage and god's design for marriage. you believe in the power of family we do as well. so thank you for helping us advance our work in the year ahead. on behalf of the millions of marriages and families that will be impacted in 2022. we just want to say thank you for helping to make that happen with your urine gift and we hope you can join us tomorrow when working to talk about what happens in every marriage. this happens without fail. marriages drift away from oneness and toward isolation. so what we do when that happens and what can we do to help keep that from happening. david meg robbins join david and wilson tomorrow to talk about that. hope you can be with us for that on behalf of our hosts david and wilson on bottle p see you back tomorrow for another edition of family life today.

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