No-Fail Parenting

Okay, I'll never forget the day when we get a call at our church about a high school boy who's on a retreat and throws a smoke bomb right on :-) I was a smoke bomb into the girls cabin at the camp where the retreat was in our church was pretty new. Maybe five years old as being young church. I'm one of the pastors and you know you find out that it went bad because the girls came running out traumatized after they were scared a result smoke was like in the middle night. I think the mom that was in that cabin with the girls was even more traumatized.

Oh, that's right, she's the mom that threaten a lawsuit on our church and they were like will who did this, you could find out what you know what boy or girl did this and we find out it was our son. Welcome to family life today where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most and Wilson and Dave Wilson and you can find this@familylifetoday.com or on our family life at this is family life today only thought it was hilarious and the girls not some yeah but I tell you we had to sit with lawyers and work through like there could be a lawsuit at our church and it's based on the pastor's son, so that wasn't a good thing and you know as parents. Obviously you're trying to raise responsible men and women of character and even as a pastor like your hope and your kids will be somewhat of a model that was a great model for the church and it's really interesting to his parents. You never realize how much we care about what other people think about us based on oh yeah, the behavior of our children. I knew I had that any until we had.

That's a lot of parents that I think it might even be in the parent to sit across the table in our studios in a crystal thing. Welcome.

Nothing like today.

I am so excited to be here. I think you been on here before he remembers yes I have. This is my third time to be here soon on every back were glad you're here and obviously our story you can relate to a little bit were to get into that a little bit what you've written. I think of fabulous parenting book and I say that because it's called love, center parenting and I gotta be honest, I picked it up in Mexico.

We were there a few weeks ago on a little getaway in our marriage book we say it's good for couples to get away and I'm just on our listeners.

We didn't just write it. We actually do it somewhere down there and I thought I honestly picked it up like okay you do a little research because your covenant on I can read much of this right Jan laying on the lounger like honey read.

This is really well written.

I mean I had not read some your stuff from money-saving mom.com right. I should know more about that. Do you know more about me.

I you're not a mom knows the bailouts are policy of the crystal pain shall podcast your New York Times bestseller, author of say goodbye to survival mode and also the author of moneymaking mom and I got to know about this moneymaking month and what what is that he Asked me this is my County should check out know I was thinking for her mom, you know.

So really, what is that how that start sell my house and I got married almost an 18 and half years and we set this audacious goal that we were he's getting at the law school and we are to stand up that we didn't really know how it happened but we just felt like we wanted to set this bagel so right away the rubber meets the road when this little basement apartment living on a legit beans and rice by date and time to make it work and we just started researching everything that we kind about maximizing mileage of our money and I then also wanted to figure out how to be a stay-at-home mom and so not only my learning how to feed our family on $30 a week, but I'm also thinking out ways that I can share this on mine and then it turned into a full-time business with money-saving mom.com which we started in 2007 itself and it just interesting how God uses things we think it's just can be the sole steppingstone of work and just get to law school instead of that, and not turn into now what has and are doing full time.

Also, he did not end up becoming an attorney or to allow you to edit and graduation from law school, worked as an attorney started his own law firm and then in 2014, he decided check on his law firm and come home because the business is doing so well and we were like, you know what we can do this together and have a lot more flexibility. That's really neat and nothing also struck me about your book with your subtitle because it says the no fail guy to launching your kids and that's a big promise to your readers like okay here's something that's really gonna work. And I think that peaks all of our interests yet for some people there's a lot of pushback on their like there's no way that you can guarantee that and then also there is pushback on the fact that our oldest is only 16 and half, so we haven't technically launched any child that when I talk about in the book is that you can't fail if your faithful I think. So often we look at failure and success based upon how our kids turn out to grade-point, but it's ultimately about how we walk with them and so it's really shifting our perspective as parents to focus more on what is it look like to walk with them and love them well in the day to day and spend a whole lot less time stressing about their behaviors and their choices, because ultimately we can't control, and then the launching your kids part. It doesn't just start when they turn 18. One thing that I really encourage and stress in the book is about. It starts when they're young. And how do we raise our children to be adults, not dependent kids to really good while you have, how many, for we have for biological kids and then we also foster parent. So we have another little boy they were fostering so you get a full house.

This is 16 yes and your youngest is one yes so year in the midst of everything. We've got toddlers and to the other day I went and got the mail and there was a college application there was a little toddler but cannot like this is my life and you're running this business, which is pretty remarkable and you also you know I found out early in the book you get a phone call. Yes tell us tell us that story and share as you tell it like what was your family like during these days, when this phone call came in, so it's interesting because you were talking about me writing a parenting book and I don't really see this as a parenting, but because it is my story and my journey of parenting, but I didn't write this book from a space of got it all figured out. Also just come follow along with me and I'll tell you what to do to have great kids and never would've seen myself as writing a book that had parenting in the title impact 10 years ago. If people would ask me on the Internet because I was on the Internet back then some kind of a grandma longer you for anyone's online before social media. My site before social media. Yes, anyway. So they would come asking about how this parenting this or that and I would just always respond and say no asking 20 years from now. Maybe I'll have something for you, but I didn't know that four years ago, we were just really hit rock bottom in her parenting it and it started actually not with a phone call. It started with dropping our kids off at the little school that they were going to use this little private Christian school and the principal net my husband at the door at drop off and he said I need to meet with you and your wife and your child after school and we just knew it was something the second of the pit was your stomach. It was just this year feeling that we just carried around all day like what what's going on wait all day.

Yes, and we were to steal what we did we miss you and so we walk into the principal's office and he tells us about something that had gone down at school the day before and we were just shocked and our child actually denied it at the child actually did something.

And yes, they they denied that they had done this thing that the principal is telling us about and after multiple discussions in that office. They finally said yeah I did and that principal said this is broken, the school's code of conduct.

Swift action needs to be taken. Here are the steps that need to know we need to start putting in play in order to handle this and as parents to just be blindsided by something and to realize you know you thought we thought growing up, there's little things happen, but to have it be well, this is not just a little thing, something is really wrong but you are saying that there are a few things that you had no idea the extent that was playing out in school. Yeah we we knew that there had been sent issues and we met with some parents and the teacher. But we had no idea it was. It could escalate to this level so quickly and so hot is way off guard, but then I think it also caught arch high-yield off guard as well because then they spiraled then out day just as it all kind of came out because then as we are meeting with different parents and we found lots of other things and it gone down throughout the year and we will, as this is really serious our child then just their anxiety went through the roof just felt like they were completely out of control. Tell me, as from a mom with the mom's heart. What were you feeling coming out of the principal's office watching your child spiral so many on the one hand, I think there was this frustration with our childlike, how could you do this you know better than this guy. On the other hand what is wrong once going on that could cause you to be in the state and then why are you acting out like this machine out and tree all I can then it turned into saying no suicidal types and means it was as shocking as parents and then to have other parents come to us and say will this happen throughout the year and then I remember one mom looking at me insane. I don't know what's happening in your home, but there's something seriously wrong. There's no way that this could be going on and there not be some real significant issues and so there was also Shane yeah I felt like these are parents that I have gone to all these hints with and done all this school field trip send and all of a sudden my child is is the bully. My child is the one who's that kid like you don't want to have your child around this child and ends it was just the whole mixed bag of emotions that in all of them. Even though there was the shame and fear, and the overwhelm and why do we do to help our child. He was also the sense of God is meeting me there and he loves me and I just remember feeling his love and especially as it escalated and then we ended up taking her child into the ER and having to the thing that you never picture as a parent is walking into the ER and St. my child suicide and just said the weight of that and that there's not this four step plan to fix this and it just felt like everything that we are trying to do was just making matters worse and yet I remember sitting in low hospital room with her child and feeling this overwhelm and yet that's the love in developing me and I just I didn't have the roast to turn it felt like everything was just kind of stripped from me ripped out from underneath me. God and I look back and I see how that was such a turning point for me, waves like my reputation is is shot and I can't parent for that anymore and I don't know what to do. I'm at my wits end and it was that turning point of just looking to the Lord and relying upon him and getting to then see him be so faithful even through the weeks and the months to come. When it was hard and there was so much therapy and there was so much hard work that had to happen and there were news from doctors and things that we didn't want to hear in a mental health diagnosis and all of this. It was just overwhelming.

As a parent and yet I see how God used each of these situations. Each of these people that we met with each of these books that he would bring into my life are people that you bring into my life are things that he would just put into my head to think and ways that he would show me that areas that I need to work on and how it just cause medical back to square one. As a parent and say what I'm doing isn't working. Something needs to change until left-center.

Parenting is not your typical parenting book of his attempts at plan and it's it's about hard work that happened to get me to that place of parenting from arrest and freedom is so interesting as you say that because as a mom of three sons that are now grown. I remember whenever growing up, and I would hear a tragic story of something that a child did or whether there may be there abusing substances or their suicidal as a parent. What we do is we try to find out what did they do wrong so that I can have a 10 step plan that I will not follow so that my child follows that same path, but you're saying no, there's not a 10 step plan and I think that's really important because it's easy for us out of our fear just to think I'm in a follow-up formula but you're saying there really is a formula but there's our heavenly father right and that's for me when everything else was stripped away, I really learned how to parent. But I first had to relearn how to be parented by my heavenly father because I realized that my whole perspective on how his parenting was parenting from the place of caring about my reputation. I really cared about what other people thought, did you know at that point that you were caring so much about it before this happened with your child. I didn't realize the heavy weight.

I didn't realize how much I was putting on my kid yeah like decisions, they would make choices that they would make what they would do. I was constantly thinking without even realizing what are other people think me. To me, I think we all do remember when you want everything is crystals talk and remember when the boys were really little I could take you to the restaurant that we read that I can see Cody or Eunice. I think about your all your members they were throwing food or do some little boys to that I sort of snapped at eye member rose the pseudo-you look to me that you finally remember that I had this thought on doing this is because everybody's watching us.

All I care about is how I look.

As a parent there really not do anything wrong, you know, they're just being boys and I thought, do I really care that much with strangers who all never probably ever meter think but what Crystal just that I think every person a little bit of that in there what you didn't know it until then. I just want here so you're in the ER and you know you realize in your child is suicidal. What happens mean, did you go to counseling today go to counseling were to go from there.

So one of the biggest catalyst in this journey was getting into therapy and we actually struggle to talk about the smoke we struggle to find a therapist just because it was a very significant situation for a child that was not 18 and so they we would call and they would say sorry, we don't we don't handle that and said that was really hard as a parent to feel so overwhelmed that we were finally able to the ER. They were able to connect us with some therapist and we were able to get in with the therapist and I remember sitting on that couch in the first session they had sheet. The therapist had has been I come in first and we were sitting across from her and saying to her, I don't care what like anything. If there's anything I can do just let me know.

Please let me know if there's anything I can change do help my child I'm in a loss and a few weeks later, after some intensive therapy with her child. The therapist call me back in. After dismissing her child and she said I think you trying so hard to fix your child, what would it look like to just walk with them instead and at first fix kind of thing that that's like I wanted to be like I want to be better and I clearly stated I started paying attention to when my kids would you be arguing or they make a mistake or make a mess or do something that I would feel like I needed to come in and take care of situations. The situation I was ethics are that that's my nature. I'm a problem solver, but I was trying to fix them and said I was spending so much time correcting and so little time connecting with that's big say that again spending so much time correcting them and so little time connecting with and so so often, especially with our one child who is really struggling to work out for connection and I was trying to fix it if correction and so we were just constant odds and said that really set me on this trajectory of where this is coming from. Why am I trying so hard and as a dog into it. It was that recognition of because I care about what other people think because my reputation is more important than my relationship with Mike. So in your path to healing.

Your child path led back to you, and I think that can be typical, but I also think that sometimes we don't always go there but I love that you are so humble job was to God to take you there.

Yet even with the with the therapist.

Your question was a woman to her lovers are for a desk or don't want to ask like what do we need to know as parents that we need to change rather than hey how do we fix our kid. You know there's aromas are kid Riata, you know, get them fixes like that's humility to go okay. Probably some broken here and they did and she said you know those words to you then you go on this crazy journey. I got ask you this how does this all affect your marriage. I feel like we really leaned in together through it and I'm so grateful for that because I know that these kind of situations can really pull you apart, but I think because we were far enough into our marriage and we had a lot of rocky seasons before then we process through we had that kind of foundation to work from and so we both really wanted to walk together in this. I think our eyes were both opened to how we were just we were parenting from a place her reputation and we were our frustration with our kids as is so often it's either pride fear or selfishness. And it's about a reputation pride or it's about were scared of what can happen in the future, fear, or is that we really want our life to cottages be a lot easier and there rocking the boat and those that selfishness and so when we both were digging down deeper into not, let's just not look at the surface blitz dig into what's underneath the surface. Where is this coming from and let's operate those things because if we don't we don't ever dig below the surface were never going to actually have freedom because we just can keep going back to the same dysfunctional responses and how sweet of God to reveal all of that to you.

I know that with our oldest son. We all have expectations of what our children will be like, or what they'll turn out to be like, or what they'll be good at and I know that we had made a lot of assumptions that our oldest child would be like us and I just thought he can be so outgoing and we had this great little boy whose incredibly quiet super introverted and I look back now, think he's one of my greatest gifts because he so different than me and has really shown me my own sin. My own insecurities, my fears, my need for approval and I'm so thankful to God that he revealed to me early on so that I didn't continue to harm him or try to make him into my mold instead of God's beautiful I think what is at the heart of real love centered parenting is wanting God's purposes to be fulfilled in our kids and is an Wilson was just saying all of us as parents can fall into the trap of wanting our kids to perform a particular way because of how it makes us look or makes us feel for the ways we need to diagnose just how love centered is our parenting helpful way to diagnose the in each of us is to go through the book the crystal pain is written which is called love centered parenting. This is a book we want to make available to you this week. If you're able to help support the ongoing work and ministry of family life to the our goal here at family life is to see every home become a godly home to effectively develop godly marriages and families and you help extend the reach of this ministry every time you make a donation. So if you're a regular listener and you've never made a donation or if it's been a while.

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God loves us we hear the conversation tomorrow. Hope you can be with us for that on behalf of a host statement Wilson about competing we will see you back next time for another edition of family life, family life to the user. Production of family life accrue ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most