No Perfect Parent: The Teen Years

Tell me your favorite stage apparel. I loved all of this stage is one that you love the most teenage years because you start releasing who they are. They are also having this dynamic deep relationship now, but they started to things and push back on you and act in ways that sometimes embarrassing embarrassing welcome to family life today where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most in Wilson, they will soon and you can find us a family like today.com for on our family life, family life today.

Tell me your favorite stage apparel.

I loved all of this stage is one that you love the most teenage years.

You know what I was thinking you might 17 years. I think I was surprised tenured everyone warned us wait till they become to muddy was like oh man there and make bad decisions there to push back on you for good. There was there were difficult times and nights but I as I look back now, you know, we've our oldest is 35 we got grandkids that teenage years with all three of the boys were some of the best year so we get to talk today from our book. No perfect parents and talk about the teenagers and in the book. You know, we laid out for different stages or phases of the parenting journey from what we called the 0 to 5 age. Recall that the discipline stage because your trying to really discipline and teach them boundaries and that what no means in you nose poop and pee everything all over the house and toys and and drone her eyes because I say this is all I remember about the diaper years. But when you go to the next stage we called the training stage which is somewhere around ages five and six up to about 12.

We really developing and training them in those first 12 years we say in the book are where there really open to our parents and put those are critical years because around your 12 or 13. We call that the coaching stage, which is the teenage years. There are not as open to a parent's input.

Not that they're not but they're starting to look outside to their friends and other influences you say this is the question you live in the questionnaire talk about that.

I know you wrote about that in the book no perfect parents. But what does that mean blind like that. Were talking about the teen years and maybe get some tips and some ideas, but I think the thing I remember really hearing in conferences and reading books actually think it was Dennis Rainey take those first 12 years are pivotal because the window if your influence begins to close, and many become teenagers, and now they're looking outward for what other people are saying their culture, their peers, their teachers and their listening more now to the outside world. Not that we still don't have influence. We do have huge influence. Yes, but I say these are the years that you begin living in the question. In other words, you're asking a lot of questions you might already know the answers but you're getting them to really discover what their thinking about things, their ideas, you're getting them to form opinions and it's really helping them to become critical thinkers give me an example what's living in the question okay let's say your nine-year-old comes as I say not everybody can. This movie can I go, so this is a nine-year-old nine years old you think now and now that that movie is inappropriate when I can go to that movie. This is why now your 14-year-old comes home. He says hey man, everybody's going to this movie. Can I go my first instinct is no way you sing that movie that's horrible and inappropriate and Bob but you don't say no.

You live in. The question you say will tell me about the movie and then you say tell me your thoughts about the movie what you think about seeing that now you arty know you're not alone though you don't let them know that you did that a lot. You ask questions like that.

Think yeah I and again you're trying to get at the heart in some ways you're almost like the first 12 years of all the discipline and training pay off thinking along the ways we've tried to help them think in something like no none of it worked there off the rails. At other times you'll see that they are processing some of the things you taught them.

I remember we had a discussion at the dinner table about curfews so hate you guys when you think about curfews is your you know getting older and in high school. Should you have a curfew. We kind of Artie knew the answer but we are bringing them in like about it because we really care about your opinions and thoughts of this.

So here's the thing Doug about you know, because when they hit the teenagers and again there's not a magic number.

It could be 11. It could be 13 but they start to do things and push back on you and act in ways that sometimes embarrassing embarrassing yeah so this one time. We have this big ice skating party and I were going to going to our friends house were having a big pot luck. Our oldest was 14, and were not nice getting to go in the house and there's all this great food laid out in someone's getting ready to pray. So the room is perfectly silent and suddenly you hear someone say this food looks like, how can I look over and discover that and you know the kids are kinda snickering and the parents are like I give my son the evil I like kicking me and oh I was so embarrassed and humiliated what you think at that moment I was praying it was so embarrassed. Your firm is.

I just hope that's anybody as my edits my actually is years there was a year ago.

As soon as they get it so much apparent. It is care about what others think of you as a parent, especially teens yeah and so when CJ did that. It was like the evening kinda goes off were getting ready to leave and I say to CJ hey Cody didn't bring issues dealing front as I put them on your back and came out to the car is 19 not even dates and so the room again.

For some reason Scott and CJ really loudly said everything in this family and everybody again looks at us, I'm so humiliated.

Not only are we like yet on the facet of the church. He also teach and speak about marriage ended sorcerer. No light. Although the Wilson family. They got it together. There is together you guys. I know I was so mad season begins walking out the door. I can like running to the car and then CJ bends over. Oh and by the way, as were walking I right on his heels sinking in Brighton is so embarrassing and so disrespectful and so rude and heard so much so much trouble.

Why because I was embarrassed because I look bad.

And so then he's kinda bending over. He's off balance putting coding to the car and there is this big snowbank right beside the car and I don't know what happened to me. But in that split second I just can't imagine my shoulder under his shoulder, and I just nudged him and he falls into this snowbank and I jump in the car and I got all the doors now pounding on all the windows like mom and then what happens. Pastor Dave comes to my car I come walking out when I CCed you on the back window and you know I like him. I got to go home with you and I'm like what is happening so Dave unlocks the door and he let CJ in and then maybe you've had this experience with teenagers mortified of my own actions like what my 13-year-old here and then I start to cry and I say today like I just want you to know I will never talk about marriage or parenting ever in my life again because I have no idea what I'm doing.

Whatever you really did say that I did like I'm never teaching on this and never get up on stage with you and that we were on marriage and non-parody. I did not.

There were experts in the title the book got to tell you is no perfect parents. We are God and you are and your kids are and I think even the title source in the teenagers alert you to the fact that the expectation of trying to be perfect is a Dick Tatian you can't you won't you make a mistake after mistake after mistake, but the teen years are crucial years, you know, so we would take a few minutes to talk about it but you know, one of the passages of Scripture that really guided us is Psalm 127, where the word of God says unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain and there is never been a more true statement.

If you're trying to do this or were trying to do this without the Lord building yeah the foundation guiding his foot vertical marriage is all about you go vertical you find life in crisis is same thing is apparent.

It's like you gotta find your life in Christ. You gotta find your direction from the word because right after that, it says unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain. Children are a heritage. Some translations say a gift from the Lord on the offspring of a reward from him like arrows in the hands of a warrior. Children born in once use so if you let the Lord build our house.

How do we navigate the teen years and one one of the things that I think really guided us. I thought it was one of the best books on teenagers were shot.

He felt Hahn's book for parents only, where she interviews.

I think thousand teenagers and asked some questions and then she says parents. Here's what I heard in one of things that the book reminded us of that.

I think every parent of teenagers needs to realize is there sort of addicted to something as a teenager and you think all what one of addicted to, you know, are they addicted to popularity or she says or social media right.

She says there addicted to freedom. She means they are on a pursuit to enjoy the freedom they now have as a young adult. In other words, they're going to pull away their normal hoeing away from you is apparent is not a bad thing. It's actually a natural thing because there become an adult and so you hear things like hey can you drop me off like three blocks from the school.

I want people to see you drop me off or don't you dare walk in the movie theater.

You know, just pick me up 2 miles from kidding, but you know those things where you feel like they don't want me around anymore and I can act like they really don't even like you, you know, like they say things that hurt your feelings.

And the tone of their voice makes you feel like they could care less about you and it's really easy to get your feelings hurt and to pull away and the truth is this is normal. Yeah, and natural and at the same time we as parents know that the season of our parenting is closing and so we are sorta grasping, you know, to make every moment count and there sort of walking away and so we can get fearful and so to reactions parent can have one is we over bear that we become super controlling yeah we however we pull them closer and the other is we just give up.

It's like other walking away. I'm just that all me. I life anymore and both are bad and if there's ever a season that highlights our imperfections, it's this one. They're pushing against the things that you been pouring into them and so I see parents and I felt this myself. I get insecure. I remember saying you like sure kids even like me right now and I would whisper to likely you're not sure I really like make it right now you know that deals wrong and I think one of the reasons we feel that way is and Chauncey mentioned this in the book is they start as a teenager to question the values that we've instilled in them right. That's a natural thing, but we don't wanted or expected.

She uses the analogy of a castle and it's like we as parents when their little of been building this castle block by block. This is what the Wilson family is about these our world we live in God we believe in the word of God of the Bible. We believe in integrity. We believe in hard work all these that we believe sex is reserved for marriage.

We believe cursing is it so you build all these blocks and when their little old, except most of them if not all of it is like yes that's what I believe to an agreement that will sprout yeah and then hit the teen years and they start questioning and maybe even challenging some of these core values of their parents and it's almost like the pickup each block and look at it and think do I agree that drinking is wrong, going to parties were before drinking is wrong, what I think about premarital sex and Elsa saying to recess out that there even question it now and some of them will go. I don't and will take this core foundational value of your family. Maybe even of the word of God in the discarded or they may go here. I do agree this can be a part of my life but that's where we as parents. I think of teenagers sort of freak out. It's like we don't want them. The question that were sort of shocked but guess what, that's a natural thing. You don't think that when you're experiencing it. I can remember our kids really questioning our morals are values when they were teens and I don't think any of them were outwardly rebellious.

I can remember being on my knees after they would go to bed and I would be pleading with Like Lord I'm not sure what to do with this.

I feel like here questioning everything we've been doing. Remember going to one of our sons one time and I read I said to him, and this is living in the question again.

I said it feels like everything I'm doing is bugging you. Your attitude toward me.

It feels like you don't like me can I just ask you, and I bugging you and are there some things that I could do that would help restore our relationship goes well you are really are bugging me because every single night you're telling me my bed homework done. Why are you still up and I said so what you want me to do. He goes I think I'm old enough to make that decision of when I go to bed and if I get my homework done. That should be on me rethinking that seems like a little thing you know that's not really that big of a deal. So I said all right you write. I'm not to do that anymore I said is anything else he goes yeah it's brutal that we have of not letting girls at our house when you guys are out of town are gone. I think that's really dumb enough to questioning the block looking at it thinking that block and I said okay well that's not going to change this to say their ears why because we hope to protect you and you know our views of their sin and tell, but I think it's great to have those discussions yet.

I think it's really important for us as parents understand these teenagers are so crucial for them to build their own faith and not our faith. Yeah, I read a book early in our parenting that I've don't know who wrote so old, called the dangers of growing up in a Christian home reason I picked it up as I didn't grow up in a Christian home, but now I'm leading one and I thought what would the dangers be in the big idea of the book was it's easy for Christian parents to make their kids faith their faith in you have to allow your children freedom to find their own faith.

At some point it's got become there's not mom and dad's and that means there's a question they may make some mistakes, but they have to go on their own journey and it's really easy for parents try and dictate all that, of course, we do dictate a lot of that. But at some point this freedom that they're starting to feel and the questions are starting to ask we need to encourage and be there to answer. I can remember our oldest CJ was a very analytical engineer mine thinking questioning things from the Bible you know even as a young boy that is a teenager and I remember having living in the question. Okay, tell me why you think that this kind of thing. What does CJ write in our book the perfect parents. This was profound for us because we had no idea until we've read it in the book of Esther sons to comment in the book in all three of them did at different places and just make a comment that what we do work there where we do not work.

What was good what was bad in one of his comments was simply if my parents wouldn't allow me to question, I'd probably be an atheist. Today we were like yeah but that was that he's picking up this block of this value that we taught him since he was a preschooler and now he says and what a what I believe and it became his faith.

Yeah, and it's interesting out of our three sons. I would say theologically speaking, they are all in different pages and that some of you here that you think what, that's over now. They all believe in the gospel of Christ, but they all have different views.

So what would you say to the parent listing right now that maybe has teenagers or's gonna have teenagers in the next few years. What is the key. In either case, yes, that's what we heard from Josh McDowell years ago rules without relationship equal rebellion with them and that was pivotal for our parenting teens. It means that if you just keep laying down all the rules and you can be super controlling and you don't have a relationship where your kids know you love them you're talking to them you know their hearts they know your heart. That relationship is really solid. If you don't have that you're trying to write laydown rules. There is rebel because our kids are longing for a relationship with us and you might be thinking, no they don't. They're pushing me away, but yes they did. That's the truth. They are, seems like you're pushing your way. But deep down they long for relationship with mom dad.

So what's a parent to do pursue pursue pursue. It's the same thing my wife wants me to do it on their it's like you pursue me before we got married. Why would you stop now. Keep pursuing me keep romancing me keep coming after me it in our marriage is no different because our kids are pulled away and I may say now that I don't want to spend time with your mom.

I got the other things to do and that's deafly true, but figure out a way to keep cultivating that relationship with your teenager if you got daughter date your daughters if you got sons hang with your son don't date him hang with them but figure out a way to get them in the car if I would say to my old as you want to go to Best Buy I'll buy you some.

He's in the car as he wants to go look at tech stuff in there is a 20 minute 30 minute 40 minute drive there. I got an hour and 1/2 that I would never get with him. He's pulled himself away but that gives me time with them to cultivate the relationship so that when I'm laying down some rules.

There's a chance that these can listen to those because there's a there's a relationship and I would really encourage dads with their daughters like your daughters need you. I know that it can be awkward and they become teenagers, it can feel like it feels a little different and weird.

They feel like winning now dad, can I just say your daughter still has this little girl's heart. That means you to pursue her need you to tell her she's beautiful, take her out to dinner you now go do something fun with her because I'm just gonna say as a woman with my dad. I needed that from him especially in the teenage years when I was vulnerable with guys in the relationship and sexuality. All of that I needed my dad to say I love you. I think you're beautiful.

You have everything you need pursue your girls and same moms pursue your sons hang out with them and sometimes they don't act like they want to be with you from everything our points unlike okay I can tell her really bugging each other right now. Can we just go do something fun, grab something to eat and when I was just asking some questions like how you doing what's going on. I could see. I clear you are. Love who you are and then I would tell him love you I love who your becoming, and they may not say anything positive. Back to you but it's okay they will later come back to it. I would say you know as we close this you know there's so much more. We put in the chapter actually couple chapters in the book that we get hit, but when we talk about this at our parenting retreat. We talk about the top five yeah it's always get those real quick. The parents of teenagers we already had number one. The top five would be whether five things we can do to parent or teenager number one was hanger date.

You know, we say love is spelled T IME sub figure out a way to hang with your boys are date your daughters and spend time number two is stay up late. Yeah, I know some of you are morning people and this sounds horrible to have to stay out but one of the things we found the teams is a couple things draw them in your up, and their talk. The other thing was staying up is have food readily available because wherever there is food they congregate. I can remember kids being at retreats or conferences I would just have the table full of food. When they came in the door and they would sit at the table and we would just talk and sometimes that would go in. I remember we can't till 1 AM when I go to bed so bad that at the same time like there to be gone a year to this is valuable so hanger date stay up serve is uptight. What was best things we did was we went on mission trips with our kids, and served other people and show them what's going on in the world different.

It just change them.

We really yeah yeah so the fourth one and this a big one, do dinner and I know our lives are crazy there. Get schedules and get things are involved, then figure out a way to sit down as a family and do dinner. Here's the last one. Just doing this task is a time I can hit your knees yeah purring like crazy. I think to do it if you're married do. It is a couple honestly and if your spouses fall asleep, just put your hand on their shoulder and pray for your kids constantly.

If you're a single parent. Continue to pray and I would I would encourage you to get other people praying with you so that you can be praying for all of your kids and I would say this only pray for your kids right now because I know how hard these years are there awesome their wonderful scary their scary we had nights where we laid in bed afraid and couldn't sleep or worried about sleeping. I slept sometimes but it was more worried than I was and she was right is more about your face should have been the hoses. I was livid and did not know I didn't want to know so father I pray for the parents of teenagers right now pray that you give them grace, peace, pray for peace, the peace of passes all understanding that only comes from your heart and I pray for their kids that they would know you in a living relationship with your son Jesus I pray for protection over them, and I pray you make them, to become amazing men and women of God as they grow into adults. Thank you Jesus name, amen. I think a lot of moms and dads can resonate with the fear and Wilson has talked about raising kids through the teen years as they begin to express their independence.

There desire for autonomy and is there being bombarded with both peer pressure and cultural pressure to move away from what Christian faith teaches about life and truth. These are challenging years for us as parents and David and Wilson's book no perfect parents is really helping a lot of moms and dads be able to take a deep breath and go okay we can do this work will make mistakes, but God has grace for our mistakes and if we stay focused on the right thing.

God is going to bless our parenting efforts.

We got copies of the Wilson's book in our family luck to the resource Center you can request your copy on why the family life today.com or call to order one 800, FL, today is the number again. The title of the book is no perfect parents from David and Wilson order online@familylifetoday.com or call one 803 586-329-1800 F is an family L as in life among the word today again request your copy of the book.

No perfect parents, but David and Wilson were also making available this week a new book by our friend Janelle Brighton Stein, who was with us earlier this week talking about how we mark and shape our children permanently for life as we raise them how we can point them in the right direction spiritually were making Janelle's new book permanent markers available as a thank you gift for those of you who can help extend the reach and the mission of family life today to help us reach more people more often with practical biblical help and hope every day hundreds of thousands of people are coming to us online through this podcast, the resources we have available. They're looking for help and hope, and you make that possible for them. When you support this ministry.

So thanks in advance for prayerfully considering a financial gift to family luck today and when you do request your copy of Janelle Brighton Stein's new book, permanent markers were happy to send it to you and are grateful for your support of this ministry and we hope you can join us again tomorrow when we're going to tackle a provocative question.

It's this, why does God care who I sleep with Sam Albury addresses that question with us tomorrow. Hope you can be here for that on behalf of our host statement and Wilson on Bobby pain we will see you back next time for another edition of family life, family luck to the use of production, family life group ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most