My Husband’s Holy Spirit

How would you describe her first year of marriage, tragic error about being my meeting is you know it was the hardest year by year 10 was pretty hard to year. One was tough welcome to family life today where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most in our day will soon and you can find us@familylifetoday.com or on our family life. Life today was so disappointed because becoming American expectations and I thought to be my pregnancy comes and saves me and fills me, and I was until I was disillusioned because I had unrealistic expectations and we really want to talk today about what we should do when we find ourselves disappointed or let down in our marriages are specifically with her husband. I'm really excited this is going to be a good day for men to excel on me. I look at the topic you like finding the hero in your husband. Yes, let's talk about that. We have Dr. Julie Slattery with us today Julie. Welcome to family life to a thanks for having me so good to be with you. You are a favorite among our listeners and we I love you feel like our hearts are in the same page and when you speak. Are you right Mike, but I also like that you really authentic and you haven't done it perfectly, either. No, not at all. I just feel like I just keep passing on what I've learned from my mistakes and I think that that's what's encouraging is is never too late and we can still do it.

Julie is a clinical psychologist. She's an author, you cannot have a wireless today. Sorry done. Please keep your comments to yourself.

Well later maybe we can pay her for the counseling shall be doing with it today, mostly, but you're also the president and cofounder of authentic intimacy. Describe what is our mission is reclaiming God's design for sexuality. So over the last 10 years I've pretty much spent my life digging into the Scriptures and learning about what intimacy sexuality is meant to be from a biblical perspective and applying it, particularly to women's lives so so it's been a deep dive. I've learned a ton and grown a lot and as you both know sexuality represents such a pain point for most people in our world today so it's I'm never bored. I can tell you that I remember when we were doing the love like you mean it because you've spoken on it several times and we would imply the way, we could probably put a plug in right now you're speaking again I am note to meet in February were back on the boat. You can sign up right now from life today.com you need to join us because it is it is a fabulous cruise really really is. Yeah. Can I just say I don't like freezing in general, but this cruise is amazing salad. Julie seems like the first time I can.

I went on it was like we are with all Christian married couples who love Jesus and want to learn to love each other more and just the worship and all the sessions and we tell people about it all the time. It's pretty spectacular were pretty much same way when a cruiser slug and would be our first choice, but when we went on our first one now like seven or eight or nine or 10. I don't know but it is fantastic.

So anyway, sign up for like today.com and do about this. You know your book or rethinking sexuality. I didn't know 10 other books did you ever think you grown up. This is what you do with my life. I'm gonna study sexuality help women understand this from a biblical perspective. How did that in the been your life mission.

Well, I did have a sense that I wanted to do this kind of work of integrating God's truth with real life and I've always had a heart for women in marriage and family and so that part doesn't surprise me. In terms of just really wanting to disciple women grapple with the hard issues, but it wasn't until 10 years ago that God call me specifically to address sexual issues and I'm not to say I was kicking and screaming, but I wouldn't have signed up for that particular role but it came out of a really deep year with the Lord of him just drawing me close to his heart and one thing I've learned is when you get close to the Lord. He shares a piece of his heart with you and instead he just really burned in my heart for sexual brokenness and the sense that we were addressing the real pain in the church and so that was really out of obedience. Just God calling me and he's awesome and that what he calls us to the also equips us for and I fell in over my head almost every day seriously, but just waking up and asking him to give on the courage and the love and the truth is speak into such tender issues and I think it's so needed because, as women were bombarded with the cultures view of sexuality, but we want to know what's the biblical view of marriage and sex. I think when women pick up your books like thank you thank you that your answering these hard questions that I have but here's the thing.

When I talk about sexuality did not get to it.

Yeah, finding the hero in your husband was good.

Let's talk about that Julie because you wrote this book. How many years ago I wrote the first version of it. 20 years ago will more than 20 years ago.

So when I started writing it.

I'd only been married for about three or four years, which is crazy to think of now. Yeah, that then you decided to revise it. Yeah I just kept selling and women were saying that was a blessing to them. But as I read through it. I'm like there's just so much that I've learned and cultures change so much, and that there are things that I would just write differently even on the same concepts and so I went to rewrite parts of it and thought while just you like a pretty deep revision and it's almost like I've never done this but if you're remodeling a house she get to the point where like to start over. I can keep the living room one way and the dining room. You know the same way it's been and so I just ended up starting from scratch and just saying all right. Let's rewrite this whole concept again for today's Christian wife given the culture we live in, and I think more speaking of that older woman now is live some life rather than hey man, I'm trying to figure this out to yeah so it was really a fun challenge to redo it and it's still a great title from guiding the ironic change yeah I would neither because it's good you talk to women all the time I talk to women all the time and they're disappointed in your marriage. They're disappointed in their husbands. Tell me what you think about that and if you found that same thing.

Yeah I would say and you guys will have to tell me this is true in your marriage. Most the times if you ask husband and wife to rate their marriage from 1 to 10. The woman is getting give it a much lower rating than the husband is and so part of it is we feel the pain we feel the lack of connection in general, way before I husband why that because that was Dave and I know I said our marriage is a .5 he thought, what you think it wise he literally said it's a 949. My wife will probably agree. I literally thought that made me mad because I thought how can you be so clueless.

Yeah. How bad were doing.

Why is that equipment to get angry about his heart had these conversations that people feeling like were overgeneralizing because of course there are some situations where the opposite is true.

But I would say in general, women are much more sensitive to emotional connection and intimacy in marriage and so they're going to feel those misses a lot quicker than the husband is and so he's more in general like okay kiss my wife today check. I still have her check. Things are good work were okay. It's almost like guys relationally will see things more black and white and women see all the different colors.

What's the woman's checklist woman's checklist so my goodness didn't do this you know the man thinking. I did this but I feel like women, we go to the negative.

Okay. Did he didn't do that is so true changes every day. That's because guys like a person and so God's is that why you think you got or wants to pursue her for the rest of your life that is true that I don't know if you've ever heard our story and we will get into our listeners of her a lot.

We put in our book vertical merge, but there was a speaking engagement that ended two mothers of preschoolers and she just brought me a long, long story short, she don't know what I'm to say I don't know what to say.

She disliked give a guys perspective and I literally end up saying I feel like everywhere my life I get cheered I come home I get booed course and looked at me at that moment because I've never said that to her and she's like what in the world was that so as we were driving home that was again it wasn't literally blue, but it was like I do feel like I do things in my job in different places and people are affirming it and said you're good at this is that I feel like I come home and you're saying you're not good at this, you like. It's Abu and she was like I'm helping you I'm not booing you you I think a lot of guys resonate with that feeling whatever you want to say it and that's where you talk about finding the hero because they are helping us because she literally was seen things that she could speak life into well felt like I wasn't speaking thinking criticism into your life will first of all I think what you're saying is so common that men don't feel in general like marriage is a safe place. Her home is a safe place emotionally and they may never use those words but it's like you and I can never do anything right or I just always seem to be missing the mark and it's interesting that you used that word she's helping me because men had these two competing needs that God has designed women to meet and they are competing in some way, so he's got this one need to feel like his wife believes in him and it's so core I because any and you can validate this or not but a man's core struggle is MI competent, and I good enough guy, it's not that she love me. Does she believe in me, and so her words of affirmation and encouragement are that constant.

I believe in you.

Even though I don't feel like I believe in you today. I'm choosing to say I trust you. So that's the one need and where you got the other need where the Scripture talks about companionship that where in some ways here to help balance out your deficiencies in your head abounds ours out, but you need that teammate who is helping, but every woman like his can have a tendency to overplay one of those needs, to the detriment of the other and most of us will want to be to help her more than we want to be the encourager did you struggle actually on my goodness yeah yeah and that's why I wrote this book so early on in my marriage because I was trying to figure it out because I met my husband was attracted to him. He was so much fun and I was like the serious go-getter judge driven person. You guys are totally superfine that and I felt like he has no performance demands for me and I can grip feeling that pressured him always be the best and achieve I could relax around them. I love that that when we got married.

It was like from my perspective as a young wife.

You bring all the strength into the marriage. I'd been a Christian since I could remember he was a relatively new believer and it was like I had all this knowledge and vision for where we should go but then there was a sense, to which I'm like I can just overrun this guy because he's not stepping up the way I think he should step up and so created this huge quandary in me of what you look like to be a godly wife.

When I feel like I know more. I'm stronger and more goal oriented than my husband is and so and that's really the wrestling in my own life and as well sized counseling. A lot of other women that were having the similar questions so the first version of this book really came out of that question. You know, in some ways when I resume a jeweler like that was our first year. That's why you I didn't know what word I was going to say until you asked what I remembered tragic was I felt like I wasn't very good as a husband. I honestly felt going in the marriage. I'm amazing your great husband. You know you lead my wife she's gonna love how a leader and then you know, three, four, five months in, and she soon biggest mistake my life was marrying you really said that it was because I disappointed her, you know, I don't think I was the hero that she thought I was going to be and in some ways, you know you can tell us what you would say men when they feel that often retreat yeah well you know that I sort of just pulled back was like, well not very good at this instead of like him would rise up and become.

I should've done that but instead I Cicero stepped away almost like okay I'm never good at this. You don't like him leading so it did lesson course that made her chase me around the house and say what you doing right yeah I had expectations of what a leader and we always hear all the man should be the spiritual leader and every woman has a different idea of what that should be right and so mine was Dennis Rainey thinking why you leading like Dennis Rainey says he leads and I don't even know if Dennis left like that in the home probably. But I had these expectations is that common for women. Yeah, I think, particularly within the church. When you hear the guys role as spiritual leader, we have a picture of what that looked like and I to picture what that look like I expected my husband to initiate us praying together and doing devotions together and he do you guys really are the was so disappointed and I want to take over and be like okay will you sit down on the motions for it for us. And so I kept trying to figure out how do I get them the lead and so I became very manipulative and would find the sly ways of trying to force him into becoming who I wanted him to become and it's been a long journey of learning how much of that was rooted in my own pride yeah and to have this idea like I'm doing it so well. Now why can't you get on board. Total pride and arrogance and I had this idea that Dave should meet my needs and I think that when you grow up in a culture of this Disney culture Christian Disney culture – thinking that the Christian Visigoths or go ahead well.

Prince charming looks more like Dennis Rainey today. We gotta find a younger version, but it's this idea like view of somebody that you only see the outside. You only see the good stuff.

You see, take charge, sensitive, compassionate leadership and you know what I would say to her, I'd say honey, there are a lot of people in our church. Think Dave Wilson is that exactly know what you know a lot of you say they're not that close that you know you get close to anybody from a distance. We all agree you get closer like well but here's the questions on the husband over your sit here going okay. What you do. How did you find the hero. Let me read this quote that I had underlined in market you say this Julia woman never marries the man of her dreams to hear that a woman never marries the man of her dreams. She helps the man she marries to become the man of his dreams. That's so good I got something listed on that for minute, what's that that's one of those sentences from the first book that made it back and that's really really good. I feel like we need a true North like that and I over the last 26 years needed a true North of Wright Lord, what do I do with all the strength that you've given me, and what we typically do is our disappointment turns against us. And that were angry were trying to fix him trying to be his personal Holy Spirit, we let them know often through our verbal and nonverbal communication that were disappointed instead of saying you gave me all this influence and power with my husband so that I could help him take the steps that you're putting in front of him not to steps on putting in front of him and I think is so critical to understand that as women we put our husbands in this this sort of diabolical blind we say I want you to lead, but I want you to lead the way, I tell you, really. Yes, which is not leadership at all.

Right. And so even our efforts of being frustrated and disappointment were trying to make him into the man we think he should be like a puppet yes, which is not the strong leader we wanted in the first place and maybe you got in design him tonight. So like for example I shared about how I expect my husband lead spiritually and he's just has never been that were to do this on this day, and that on that day, but I had to start recognizing how is my husband already leading me spiritually in ways that I don't even see or appreciate.

So, for example, as I mentioned on this driven type a person and he would always encourage me to rest.

So on Sundays, he'd be like, what you doing why are you studying why doing homework. I was getting my doctorate degree like it's Sunday, let's go play let's worship. Put your work away.

Let's take a nap and I'm like, that's not what God helped me see that Mike is God's provision for my needs and that that was spiritual leadership good and there are so many other ways like that that I didn't recognize that in his personality and his strengths. He was leading, but because I didn't see it the way I thought it should be. I was trying to make them into the person I thought he should be God had crafted him and was leading him to become I've done that same thing of asking God show me the greatness in Dave and I have encourage women like that idea Julie of even writing down and pray Lord what are the great things. How is my husband already leading maybe a way that I hadn't seen before. But now that I really look closely. He's been bleeding Dave lives out his faith. I mean, I think our sons would say everything. Dad preaches he lives in credible talk about leadership by example and then he's fasting and praying every Friday word he's fasting and praying. Talk about leaving your girl never was looking at that because I was looking at the flaws in what I expected him to be in my own mind and we should also mention I've been married for 26 years you've been married for how long. 41. Okay congratulations, but I'm guessing he wasn't doing those things. When you first got married.

Maybe some of them he was doing the praying and fasting for I don't know, but know that when you first get married, you just see a little nugget of what God is putting your husband and the growth in the passion that God's given them but is taking you over 40 years as a couple to cultivate this together taking me and my husband years to cultivate and so I think one of the challenges that young wives look at these older more mature men or marriages, including maybe even their their father and say why isn't he more like that but men start out just like we do with not knowing how to do this right, lots of insecurities I lots of fears and if we don't nurture that ground well then there really driven by more the fear than the vision of what God's calling them to and I would just say I know for me I know it's true for a lot of husbands went and started seeing the hero in me again. We didn't have that term she never said that the power of that perspective changing.

I felt I saw that she spoke differently to start speaking life rather than criticism and again that wasn't that there weren't hard truths that need to be set at times it changed me as a man. I started becoming the man she was saying.

I was that I didn't even believe I was started, sort of speaking. I see you as a hero. I see the hero in you.

It wasn't your one was more like your 20 or 15. It was quite a ways in but for the last 30 some years. Me, I run home. I can't wait to get on because this woman thinks I'm a hero and saw that I would say to the wives, listening you have a power. Julie said it is in your book very powerfully. I don't think women understand the power I'm just a guy. Looking back on it I understand your power because I felt it on the negative side, and I felt it.

On the positive side, it literally can change a man to become the man you wanting to be what you gotta use that power very carefully as you can destroy him or you can help build him into the man God's created them to be so you know parties like you know the assignment for the wives. Today's do it. You just said Julie write down you know the things you see good. I know you have a long long list of the negative right goes down you've already said that enough star rhymes I got one. What is great and my husband was the hero, write it down and then texting it out and somehow communicate that to him in a positive way that says I believe in you. You said something Julie to when you said home is not a safe place for husbands hit me. All I want our homes to be a safe place for men cyclically as women have an opportunity to really create a haven in our home life. I remember my friend Robin McKelvey saying that she realized early in her marriage that when she took off her wedding dress she needed to put on her cheerleader form that everyone needs to cheer on her husband to call out the hero and her husband up to what Julie Slattery is been talking about today with David and Wilson, but Julie's written a book on the subject. It's called finding the hero in your husband it's been revised and updated and we got copies of the book in our family life to the resource Center you can go online@familyliketoday.com to find out more about how to get a copy of the book. Call us at one 800 FL today and let me remind you Julie is good to be one of the speakers on board the love like you made a marriage cruise in 2022 and we still have some state rooms available for the cruise. It is starting to fill up as people are excited about being able to get back together and to cruise together again.

Information about the cruises available on our website of family life today.com you can sign up by calling one 800 FL today, one 803 586-329-1800 F is in family L as in life among the word today. We've got a special offer going right now for family life today listers that is good through next Monday, so if you want to take advantage of a special opportunity to save some money on the 2022 cruise get in touch with us this week to hear from speakers like Julie Slattery and Alex and Stephen Kendrick David and Wilson Ron deal. Others were to be joining us along with a great lineup of artists and musicians. The cruise is a great getaway opportunity for couples and you can sign up today go to family life to the.com for more information or call us to register at one 800 FL today and then join us in February on the love like you mean it. Marriage, not tomorrow. David and Wilson will continue the conversation with Dr. Julie Slattery and talk about how critical it is for a wife to understand rightly what it means for her to respect her husband and how important that is for him to feel respected, know the true respect that comes up tomorrow to be with us for that on behalf of our host Steven and Wilson on Bob opinion. See you back next time for another edition of family life helping you pursue the relationships that matter most