Dave’s Parenting Mistakes

Okay I got a newsflash for you okay I don't think it's really anything you don't know but I just thought I'd update you and let you know I was not a perfect dad yeah and you are not I was.

Not a perfect mom welcome to family like today where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most and will send Dave Wilson and you can find us@familyliketoday.com for on our family life.

This is family life today I read it sounds like obvious, but you know we wrote a book called no perfect parents and I tend to think that they read that title they think Gary wrote a book on the perfect parents but you know you guys are authors and you host family life today so you are much better than the average parent but hopefully listeners have discovered that all of the Wilson's really are not perfect, but we really wanted to share with you some of the things that we put in the book actually parenting mistakes that we made and we wanted to be really honest with you and show you what this look like, not just to beat ourselves up, but hoping that you'll see that there are no perfect parents that were right there with you but also hoping that you'll learn from us.

Maybe what not to do. Yeah so we can say today's exciting but I don't know if am excited to share our mistakes, but there's nobody in studio. It's just you and I talking about Chapter 11 in the book which we titled my top five parenting mistakes like you out later, I wrote my top five it could've been my top 50 there were enough euro pages to fill it because there were a lot more than five and by the time I was ready to write minor like all too many pages you guys but you are so carriers like 500.

So today let's talk about a few of the mistakes I made while before Dave even gets there maybe some of you have been struggling feeling like I'm feeling I need help with my two-year-old you have so many questions and we want to help you with that and you can always go to family life.com/parents ask ask your questions, tell us the things you feel like I'm struggling with this. Maybe need answers and help because we want to help you.

So go to family life.com/parents ask. So let's start here when I opened this chapter, I want to make the point that I think we all need to hear is that often we do not see our mistakes and we don't even know they're happening or real in one of the things that I was alerted to with this was used to tell me early in our marriage and even when early in our parenting years that I would be harsh, all with my words sweetly go through this. It was quite a while and I was so frustrated I told you you're so harsh with me like your tone makes me feel like you hate me or I'm stupid and you roll your eyes the nonverbal's were destroying me and I would say that to you that I I consider it I was like you're crazy that even I would say it like that harsh role the eyes of flippant little comment walk out of the room like I'm not like that at all. And obviously if there was a mirror you could see it but I couldn't see. Do you remember I said to you like I am going to record it.

I'm gonna secretly record you and your like what ever. Even if you recorded me, you would see that I'm fine. You're just overly sensitive what happened. So we go to visit my parents and dollar kids were little and so my dad had a VCR camera which was new at the time. VCR was a kind you carried around backpack and so we were recording the boys. It was really fun and we didn't know it at the time but Dave didn't turn off the camera. And so later that night were like everybody all my brothers were there. My sister, my parents. I come in and watch this video we made of all the grandkids and so were watching and everybody's like this is so cute but then when you think the camera's gonna stop you can tell the cameras now pointing to the ground because it's still going, but the audio picked our little fight we got into when the kids and the parents left the room and the camera will still go on and on that audio. You can hear my tone of voice. You can't see me roll my eyes, but it's obvious that I think I'm the world's smartest man in your the dumbest wife. I mean it's just arrogant and flippant and hard.

It's all the things you been trying to tell me that I denied I ever do. And you guys. He was so inferior. Whole families watching into this and there is then look over at me like what a jerk.

I'm thinking because I had been praying like Lord.

I don't want to do, like he doesn't hear me this is really hurting me and then that happen and I might Jesus heard my prayer and perfect ever since you have though but everywhere tone the store because that day I could see what you'd been.

Tell me, and I've been making these mistakes and doing this for years and denying it because I couldn't see it and I will say you are not like that anymore.

In terms of when people confront you and share truth with you when I do that here really open to it where you didn't used to be open to that. I do think one of the gifts God's given us and it's true in marriage is true in friendships as he gives us people that can be a mirror to us. Your spouse is a mirror, I began to realize that's a gift from God.

Your spouse can sharpen you to become like Jesus. That's our ultimate goal. I want to be like Christ and I will ultimately be there until I'm standing before him in heaven, but God gives your spouse to call out things I mean hopefully speak life, but at times ago. Hey, I don't know if you know this but you're really harsh with your words, or Bob Obama and we can get defensive over can go while I think iron sharpening iron right now. God wants to use her or him in my life to make me more like him. And if you receive it as a gift. We literally call the gift now. Yeah it's a gift.

If you receive that way you can make you better and the secret is how you relate that truth and that gift to say these mistakes were to share very quickly and I encourage you get the book and read them yourself and have a conversation about him. I often didn't see these mistakes when I was living these mistakes and now looking back like while I wish I wouldn't of done this and I hope these can help you. The first one I wrote this way.

Mistake number one.

I left my soul at the office and basically that was just the how I was so driven. As a pastor as a chaplain of an NFL team to be successful in my work and often when I got home I didn't have any energy. I mean I had energy I just didn't bring it home like I brought it to the officer to to preaching her to leave the Bible study with the Lions players.

I came home tired and sort of felt entitled to rest and I sort of walked in the door like this is Ann's job. The kids are Ian's job. She doesn't have half the job that I have is my child is so much harder than hers, and I would walk in the door and I felt like I look back and I left my soul all my energy went to the church and I didn't bring as much it to my home and it was interesting to because I was so frustrated because as a mom with three little boys. I was tired. It's exhausting and I would watch Dave and I'm sure some listeners are thinking yes I relate to this, especially wives.

I would see with your friends and coworkers and even in your job. You were amazing like dynamic. A dynamic leader communicator you're fine and funny and then you come home he be super quiet. You know you to sit on the couch or watch TV. I was like I want that guy that fine dynamic leader to be engaging with our kids but you didn't receive it very well. If I said what we told this many times that the one thing you said it was at 11 o'clock on a Sunday night after I preach four times was on the sideline with the Lions all afternoon.

I'm exhausted and you say bad timing. I wish the man who let our church lived at this house and that was your way of saying of the energy you bring the vision the way you pray on stage is not often the way you lead. This home why I responded really well. I said you is the best husband in the world. You don't realize how good you have it all at the say again it was a moment where God reminded me my job as a husband and a dad is the most important job I have, why don't guys and women do this to. Why don't guys get that well. It makes us feel like were not as important are we not coming to some ways I think we get applauded for what we do at the workplace.

Sometimes you know that were cheerful and and I also felt like I knew what to do.

Their go to school for this. I've trained of those people tell me I'm good at this. I come home I often feel inadequate. Sometimes you were tell me I was very good at is all of those are excuses because the truth is, and what what I want listeners to hear is your job as a mom. Your job as a dad as a wife as a husband.

There's no more important job than that I will not be held accountable for the people. My church, they're not really my disciples. There are three sons name CJ Austin and Cody and in my wife, who I will in some ways be held accountable, not there held accountable for their own walk for God, but God is called me to love them and lead them and serve them and serve them in man oh man, it's like when I'm driving I and I learned on my drive home. I learned a little rhythm that I got into where I would have this mailbox on the way home and I go over to the mailbox but I look at it visually with my mind open that mailbox take my job as a pastor and put it in and pull up my job as a dad and a husband and put it on so I drove in my driveway. A few minutes later is like I don't tired him know I'm exhausted. It doesn't matter. I gotta bring as much energy into this home is a been bringing all day and it's actually more important than what I've been doing all day.

Nothing all day.

Didn't matter.

It was very important but it's like, man, this is the most important at this this job here. I can't be replaced. As a pastor as a worker I can be replaced probably pretty quickly. Even though we like to think were that important, but this job only I can do this and got call me to do it so I really want not command the single parents who are working, coming home taking care of kids like you're doing it all and is not easy.

So way to go because you can't be all in you not. And there was my mom.

Yeah that I didn't even appreciate it at the time, but man she gave everything and so that was mistake number one. I would challenge any mom and dad. There's nothing more important than that job.

Bring whatever you can to raise and those kids and I was and with this concern be gone before you know. A blank in there to be out of the house and you can wonder why didn't I seize the day, every day, and I know it's exhausting and I know it's hard and I know it's worth it to do it. Such mistake number one mistake number two. I wrote this I was nicer to the mailman. Then to my kids think think think every parent could possibly say this yet. I made it just the simple thought of you know you can be yelling at your kids are in a fight with your spouse and the doorbell rings and you walk up to high you do. It's like what is going on right now. You're nicer to to a stranger your front door, then you are the people you love and are doing life.

Think about walking into church but you are always at church already preaching, but I can remember going in the door just envisioning the kids in the minivan and were driving to church and I my kids you need to stop fighting and stop punching and then we would walk in the door to like rainbows and butterflies. Yes I think so many parents can relate to that.

Our kids said to me once widely so nice to the people it on the phone and then you're not.

It's nice to us. It's so convicted lawyers. All I know and I wrote this in this under this point is that I was so intense of doing things right and being on time and clean up the house that I miss the moments to enjoy in our home. I feel like you captured him. You were a joy. Bring your you brought fun and laughter into the home, and I often miss those moments because I was thinking about the next sermon or any yet money was a big one how we can pay for all the stuff today and was to get for our kids but I did get for them for everything that I was like doing that.

The neighbor kids come over because all they do is eat our food and drink water. I turned on the water hose off like to take in all our water hose water only wrong with me dying cooling all the kids in our house like I want all the neighbor container house and Kool-Aid is probably a terrible nutritious drink that is cheap and so I was thinking I'm doing great. Getting them cooling. They need to drink from the hose I was the worst turn off the hello yeah I did one time I went downstairs actually turned it off because they thought it was broken confessing sin right now. I hope God forgive me for that. What I hear. Here's the story I put in there and never forget the day I was standing in the kitchen, summer day and I'm looking out through have two windows on to our driveway under this basketball court that slants toward the backyard in our woods had a little help area. Pretty good hill anyway. Just happen to be glancing out and I see CJ's car seat. It was 16 he had just bought his first car with his Lonergan money. By the way parents here that he bought his car with his money because we made them work for. Anyway, that's a whole other thing. So I see CJ's car is a cool little Pro pets are blue probe so it starts rolling down the driveway and I can see it so I start running out the back door across the deck is all I'm thinking is that car is gonna roll into a tree in Gent. The bumper that I don't know why it's raw and I have no idea, but all I know is I'm not running it.

It's going to stick up because of the slant of the hill and I'm spurning as best I can and there is is going right toward the tree. I dive to grab the bumper thinking that I'm going to stop this car and I literally can remember hanging on the bumper is right into the street. Our laugh and I was so mad I lost it.

You are screaming.

You were so anybody know this is always advised.

All I could see were $. All of our kids were outside and that I can see you running see the card and remember going out there and I like you are mad and so I'm trying to conceal. I was like this and obviously some. I got in the car hit the parking brake didn't know that was in neutral images roll that was just a little kids mistake the didn't know, but I wanted answers like who did this. Why this happens you understand how Mrs. got an all boys are like frozen. They are afraid because because her dad is losing it. The neighbors are probably watching the pastor, you know, screaming at the world that help you, well you know I felt bad for CJ because he paid for the car. The whole scene was so funny and some David just on a ring and sometimes when he gets like that. I start giggling inside that I'm trying to hold it in place.

It just can't be continuing it's so funny and so I'm trying to not show and that I'm laughing. I kinda fall to the ground in laughter. You are laughing your head and you fell to the ground.

I mean, you're like belly laughing and that makes me even more mad. I was like you would in the end, I get it. So far, I can see the boys are like torn or like one parent. It's irate and angry and we got another parent laughing her head off.

What we do in the next thing I know they went with you and there's sort of even moving over to where you were on the ground and they start laughing and they're all looking at me, you're all looking to be like dude are you seriously going to stay in the state of irritation and frustration and anger or you going to join us and I remember looking at you so mad. Not only are you laughing but now you have the boys laugh and I feel like you're laughing at me that I don't know what happened but I'm looking at this car and it's in the woods and is got a dent in the bumper and I'm looking at you guys all laughing and it just hit me this is funny.

There's nothing I could have done yourself stretch out bumper you have glass then finally I left. I did laugh like you laugh, but I laughed and I just think of that moment that I think it happens a lot in homes and in life. It's like there's this dance there's this party. There's this joy going on in God sort invite us to the party and we choose to miss it like I'm not gone on. I can enjoy this and it's like you know I miss that moment, I almost missed that moment because I was so intense and yet I'm nicer to the mailman and I mean to my family.

There was one of those moments that I thought I don't miss those moments in life will Dave. You might feel like that's a tough sale is apparent that there was another car story. We had several car stories, but we were let me just say that is our oldest son had three car wrecks in our driveway because efforts what I want.

Once I learned how to drive you back to the three cars. It was fun. We had a lot of car stories, but you've also I keep some wins and we recently had the opportunity to talk to our youngest son Cody about a car story and I feel like this was a win for you a win for him when for us as a family.

My dad decides midlife crisis. It's it's not only is like the first bus that would buy 696 Mustang convertible Ohashi like I thousand dollars. I got it on eBay and it was a bag of bolts. It was never, it was a convertible so I was 16, but that's really my brother was in March I broke my right ankle play baseball. So I was a heart cath and had crutches. My dad was still the current I've never actually drove it.

But still, the next day. So what's it been perfect, and drove it 16 legally allowed to be driving with a hard cast on and somehow he let me write it. Your mom always, you need to let him kiss.

This is one time he needs that you need to let him that I like okay take it out for two hours and just bring it right back home. I did and I don't where you dinner, so I took it out with ways we are all around town. I got my buddies off in your Google hang on the boys friends for the night and at our house like you can park in the driveway but I felt really good and I was so cautious about driving it and so I'm like all the way in the driveway. Probably going to garage yet right and so a part of it was I had a cast on my right foot in the seat like didn't work, you can go back and forth so I was already reaching anyway and so we start pointing on hitting the break and nothing happening, but what was going on as I couldn't yield the break and I could push it in Florida from how far back it was on.

Halfway through, and I start panicking for some reason in my panic I move my foot to the right hit the gas card you know what light is in the back of the garage. We have these huge like cabinets. It splits the cabinet in half and then the door of the cabinet falls on top of the hood of the car and I am mortified and so my buddy comes to pick me up to go out. You didn't really ask a lot of questions, just like your idiots and so I didn't in the car with him and we leave and so at that point I couldn't enjoy being out my buddies and I liked Doug home but you know my prayers are with going I don't know what's going on but I call my mom that Windows like I gotta do some prep work so yeah I coming home and mom prep working on trying to light in any way possible. Lessen the blow of the consequences what's going on so I remember walking in the my family room getting on my knees putting my arms out and I just start yelling. Don's eyes were closed.

I don't you're going towards me that he gets on his at the same time, I'm on my knees puts his arms around me and he just like whispers in my ear. It's just a car. You okay you give me so you know the interesting thing is Cody doesn't know the term world that I went through. I do yeah you are there, you know, when he was still off you actually told income. Don't be home when we get home because you knew and then you know when I first saw the car. My first response was again anger is about the car and the money and it took me an hour to get to a place where it's like you know what is just a car is just a couple dollars. Let me say this. This $5000 car is not more important than a $10 million son and I knew that when he got in the house. I need to give him we got a given me total forgiveness and I just want paint a picture it makes me tear up thinking about this moment of a 16-year-old boy who comes in on his knee.

He said I'm sorry that he was so broken back to see his dad come face-to-face with him on his knees and he just wrapped him in your arms and hugged in and said it's just a car that for me was a moment like this is grace this is Jesus.

This is how he wraps us in his grace, and the truth of the gospel. That's only done through the power the Holy Spirit in me and in you as a parent because you know in that moment, I never would've thought this story would never be told, ever again. You know seriously and yet for Cody. It was a moment of the father's love not just me but his heavenly father. So thank God that in our mistakes. His parents are God meets us right there and he covers you know, and there are some horrible mistakes that we make his parents and yet there is a God that sorta wraps his arms around our sons and daughters and get some through it, you know, and so mom and dad I would say forgive yourself.

God already has. Your kids will eventually relax in the grace of God and the grace of God's given you give it to your kids and admit to them your mistake. Say you can apologize to them. It's amazing how our kids will quickly most the time.

Forgive us and it's beautiful to be forgiven. Honestly, all of us can relate to what David and Wilson's been talking about today about having regrets as parents as we raise our children. They financed new book is called no perfect parents. We all laugh, and not our heads when we hear that because we know we're not perfect.

We were not raised by perfect parents. There is no such thing. And yet in our imperfections, God is still there and he can bring beauty out of the ashes of our parenting. We have copies of David Anne's new book, no perfect parents in our family life today resource Center. The subtitle is ditch expectations embrace reality and discover the one secret that will change your parenting. You can go to our website. Family life today.com to get a copy of David Anne's book.

In fact, if you're interested. We've got David Anne's book together with the video series. The art of parenting that is designed for small groups to use. Together we put those together in a bundle and are offering them a special price can find out more about that when you go to family life today.com or call if you have a questions. If you'd like to order the book. No perfect parents or find out more about the art of parenting.

Call 1-800-358-6329 that's one 800 F as in family L as in life than the word today and ask about no perfect parents or about the art of parenting when you get in touch with us and I want more thing before we wrap up here if you're involved in ministry to London families or stepfamilies after the marriage and family minister at your local church. There's an event coming up in the Atlanta area October 14 and 15th.

It's the today summit on stepfamily ministry that family life is hosting Ron Beale, who gives leadership to family life blended is leading this event and over the today. There'll be talking about what churches and ministries can do to help couples who are forming a blended family start will how do you help them prepare for what's ahead before they actually form their blended family before they get married you can find out more about the summit on stepfamily ministry by going to our website. Family life to the.com again it's happening in the Atlanta area October 14 and 15th and you could register today.

Again, go to family life to the.com for all the information tomorrow to hear from Anna Wilson about what she would identify as the mistakes she made as she was raising her sons. We've all been there, right will hear from him tomorrow. Hope you can be with us for that on behalf of our hosts David and Wilson on Bob PM will see back next time for another edition of family life, family life, helping you pursue the relationships that matter most