Easing Anxiety – Like 1, 2, 3

So I don't do this, but I'm thinking tell our listeners what I'm like when I get anxious I know this is you think you're so willing to go there tell the listeners anything welcome to family life today to help you pursue the relationship that matter most and will send Dave Wilson and you can find us@familylifetoday.com or on our family life.

This is family life today and I really really mean she really going there even mark a lot of times it happens when were about to go speak publicly and only the big public events that were supposed to talk on marriage and he's like, so be it so hard, so I need help. Maybe we all need help.

We all need because and let me ask you this, would you say overall I'm an anxious person nodded and evidentially now really not a pretty carefree but mineral moments and can tell you a secret like that creates real anxiety in me before we get up. I'm just trying to shut all of that down in the sink. Don't take it personally. Don't take it for say I'm so sorry. I know it does that, but you know and that's worth about today not just anxiety in me, or an adult but actually with teenage girls or adolescent girls and boys have a two we got sissy golf with us today. It's so excited to have you back for another day. Welcome back, you just shared that story so cool now. Yes I agree. Because appearing to say to parents often one of the best things we can do for the kids. We love is to mean returning Sandy to be aware of what gets stirred up in class. I mean, they learn more from observation and information we got that all attempt to let you help us and help our listeners, but in those moments for me. I feel like I can't stop it. You know, I know it's happening. I know I'm being snappy. I don't actually being mean, I know, walking literally on and she's looking at me like a now I'm supposed to speak beside you, and you're going to toss it to me in a manner that you write you. I don't know where it's coming.

You can see, it closes her down in this last thing I want so often.

Yes I would say lab for families to come up with a codeword. I think codewords are fantastic where it's not that you're lecturing or correcting, but you know because y'all talked about this and maybe because you talked about me. You could say we talked about sissy yeah and then you know immediately to start doing some your square breed we could to say hey remember Dave and I to see him start putting this square on his leg, which, if you don't know what that is will talk about it but make sure you go back and listen to our previous talk with Sissy about this because she's written a great book called brave a teen girl's guide to beating worry and anxiety. And so we've Artie talked about your therapist and so you counsel and sit with teenage adolescent girls from what, six, seven years old on up. Yes, this is your daily daily job Monday to Thursday when sampling kids and family which sounds crazy, scary, but what I picture a yellow house with a white picket fence and five dogs alike. I think I would go there.

Yeah, you know, for counseling, but you know we ended our last session with you session.

It's like were you, but you and you need to review a little because you're done about what you do to help adolescent girl works through her anxiety.

It is I listen to you previously is like this is just for adolescent girls. This is for all of us souls start again just review one and then take us tickets for sale.

Yes, these are my first three.

Get he said this, he could just consider these episodes is like six months counseling. Okay this is good as well. This is for starting always with breathing so if you were to draw square on your leg got caught square breathing. I did have a little girl who said cannot cauliflower breathing so he can draw any shape want to work she's created for doing this to do what were doing this because our blood flow has shifted away from the prefrontal cortex which helps us think rationally and manage our emotions and it's gone to the amygdala that is fight or flight and it helps to calm down a child even appearing to help to help calm down anyone. Yes, really. As a grunt at times, you first feel anxiety coming on, or anger in those moments, to do some deep breathing is really gonna make a profound difference said to draw square Sandy breathing is to draw square on your lag and with each in each corner pause for three seconds of slow square 20 seconds and deep breathing resets the and so it's going to get you back in your right, not really. So it's gonna dilate blood vessels of the brain and shift the blood flow away from that amygdala and you said that it's best to do this when your child is that a two rather than an 8/10 exactly so your kind if you're helping to train them like oh it's coming so let's breathe before you get out of control and hysterical exactly what the really fascinating things about the amygdala is that over time it develops, it becomes hyper responsive and develops what they call hairtrigger response. So, actually, the more often the amygdala takes over, the more likely it is to take all so scary. I really am having families, even decent breathing preventively when you're not anxious I think is apps like headspace and calm kids there some great apps even just an Apple watch will help you breed and if you have a smart watch yourself.

You can read with your cantons and let's take some deep breaths just when you're in the car.

I can't wait for the day when man looks at me as is 2200. Also just resetting my big step one. Step one. Yes.

Okay. So basically when we do that, say, the way that I describe anxiety with kids is I will say it's kind like the one we probably Custer at the we all have thousands of what are called intrusive thoughts every day so I'm driving across a bridge and I think I go off the bridge. That's an intrusive thought if I have anxiety I might think you got the bridge on the bridge. It gets stuck in the and so that's allow say to kids in my office and say how did you know that's exactly what it feels like the what are some of the common things the kids thinking they may not be thinking going off the bridge of the rankings donating because basically if we attract development.

I could almost tell you what the thoughts are with different agents but basically it's the scariest thing they can imagine at a certain age so younger once it's often something bad happening to my mom or dad. We get a little bit older. It's been embarrassed in front of my peers or cannot tell you over the years really pretty coveted. How many girls I saw who dearly was about throwing up.

They just got completely fixated on every time they felt the littlest bit off in their bodies.

They would think a nominative problem of the rep so they get a little bit older and it's often performance-based and failing to test something like that. Remember the first time I think I really realized how significant is intrusive thoughts I had a girl who was so bright and so conscientious and wanted to do the right thing all the time and she came to me one afternoon. She said she did on a test today Sissy and give this kid when she asked what you mean she said wow sit in class and I thought I really want to do on this test and I don't want to cheat I would never want to cheat a kid who cheats no I just collected my friend does not mean that you know I think maybe I cheated it Going to the degree that she went to her teacher and confess that she cheated scenario happened with one of my friends daughters thing so okay the deal is because what happens is it morphs like were saying minutes like whack a mole anxiety because as soon as you start to think my daughter is really fixated on this goes away and then it comes back to something else and and research says that kids often go two years before they ever get help and I think that's why because it comes up as this one thing and then they shift developmentally and so goes away and then it pops up results in there fighting on a plane so it keeps morphing so what that's part of why we do number three so maybe I need to go back to two but basically it's never about the thing so it's really anxiety forever. It's not as much about throwing right and whatever it is it's not about that thing. And when we do that we go into what researchers call the content trap where we make it about the thing and then when it shifts is a mess. We can't help so okay so let's go back to get myself off track.

So we started breathing. That's number one number two. We want to get them out of that loop.

Whatever it is, there fixated on cheating on a test throwing up something bad happening to my parents.

I'm in a fail in a track meet whatever it is, so what we use is a cognitive behavioral therapy tool called grounding the code grounding techniques and and if you've ever had anxiety and your listening you can relate because it's like you spin off anxiety does not reside in the present. It resides in the past or the future. Some rehashing something that already happened or I'm afraid of what's going to happen. I'm afraid of walking on the stage and mess up my work yeah whatever. So we want to pull him back to the present moment, the best thing to do. That is anything sensory related which is why I like the square breathing on the leg because that Dow sense of drawing on your leg is sensory related and so my favorite game and I'll play with kids and tell them to play by themselves they can do it at school.

They can do it anywhere is 54321 you think about her since his wife's absence, so I will say to somebody sending the office tummy fat things you see right and I'll have them enough we are to do that we could do that right now this from home tummy fat things they seek tell me for things you hear tell me three things you feel. Tell me two things you smell to me. One thing you text, and especially the smell and taste require us to stop and really focus on this sensory that sensory data that's coming into our brains and said that pulls them out of the loop really or with teenagers. I will have them do math like count backwards from the hundred best seven skins that is for you. Yes, exactly, or even say tell me everything you see in this ring that's the color red. And if you're driving your child or your with your teenager and they are really anxious about something you just do that with them and then they have to focus on whatever that is. Also, you talk about Scripture earlier having them recite Scripture back that can have that same grounding almost meditative. Yeah the thing that we do and so we want to pull them out of the loop in that way because it's can shift their focus and then number three.

My favorite thing to do with kids is have them named their worry so we all have this voice, and I don't mean something's really wrong with us in terms of mental health, but we have this voice that talks to us in the back of her head and it can be a critical voice.

It can be a worried voice like you're going to fail your stomach splattering you're gonna throw up anything. We all have those voices that communicate as an grown-ups.

We know that voice is it true your kid, especially if no one's ever talk to you think that voice is true and said to give that voice and name reduces its power.

So to call it the worry brain versus the smart brain or I'll call it. Sometimes the worry monster with little ones.

I call it with teenagers.

I called the worry whisper because that's what it does. It just whispers. These lies really into the back of our mind that we believe is truth and so that way they can say I have kids come in and say you had a name at all kinds of funny things I have one younger girl who named her worry monster Bob about what they name it shall come in and see me and say will Bob's been bothering me a lot. Would so much rather think it's Bob Yan. Something's wrong with me yeah and I have this voice that's telling you these things because when it somebody else are outside of myself. I can fight with it better to consider teaching them really to talk back to that voice like with younger ones. I mean, I'll even have them stop their fit whack their little finger and they can use words, they wouldn't normally get use like stupid me stupid I'm not listening to you and they strengthened their own voice, rather than that voice and the cool thing is, as we talk about these tools and anxiety. The same tools work no matter how it surfaces what it's about and said that way when it was about something bad happening to you and always in their free to get on a plane you can save them.

Template Bob's back to me what you do with Bob last time that worked because that's what we want to go back to.

It sounds like Scripture taking your thoughts captive. I was thinking exactly yeah yeah I like the current instance is you grab your neck and control me.

I will control you and so is taking those thoughts captive and like putting him in a cage and say no you will not have control of me like that and is some of this, like where the thought is some of this spiritual warfare is this some of this from our past where these thoughts come from all of it. Yes, I think some of its deadly spiritual warfare. I think some of its our past that we've internalized. Yet sometimes a voice that we've had.

That's critical and it's it so in the books. All three of the wary books I define anxiety as anxieties and overestimation of the problem and underestimation of ourselves, themselves, and I read a study once that have always remembered and especially because it works so many girls that talked about how when something goes wrong in a boys world he blame someone else.

It's is true and I never do sunsets my lap.

Yeah.

And when something is wrong in a girls world show exactly.

Okay, why, why both of you and oh yeah yeah and I knew why is it you know I think we think there are a lot of reasons I think we internalized voices a lot. I think we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to get things right. I think we often don't feel comfortable being angry, being disappointed, I think girls just naturally want to please and so those negative emotions we end up turning ourselves so worry anxieties higher for adolescent girls so I think it's part of the heart of yes I think it's not like and as a matter of fact we were talking in our break about how frequently now Catholic anxieties tied to birth order and it's the oldest girl and part of that is because I think that oldest girl often feels more like they have to be compliant yeah and they want to place and this is kind of a different subject, but one of the things that I've learned over the years is that mom's really unknowingly annual please hear me say this with a lot of Grace mom's are hardest on the oldest girls without meaning to, but I think I think some of that is exactly what were talking about.

I think that voice is women that we have inside of our heads. That's critical. I think it's easy to put that voice over onto the oldest daughter was having any intention doing so, they just like an extension. Yes hello yes this does what we just walk through those three soaps does it apply to a temperature I'm looking at you but right behind you is your namesake risk.

Offer your engineer who has little toddlers that I was daughters. He's asking what every dad and mom of little children who will temper chapters or part of life. He's asked that a question does this help yes absolutely. What the hard thing with the little window is they wouldn't jump to number three. Unless we help them connect the dots. So starting with breathing coming. Have a two-year-old nephew that I'm with a lot these days and we will often just say take some deep breaths just when he's getting really riled up about anything so doing that doing the grounding I think can be fantastic with them and I would meet the little the little girl's book is actually a workbook and have them name the worry, and I think we do have to connect the dots for them because the confusing thing about a temper tantrum is they don't understand whether acting out either. They don't understand what's going on and in the braver, stronger, smarter, but have the feelings chart and it's actually little faces my dog Lacey makes it that we happily starts in our offices everywhere and actually sell them on our website. Reason was girls.com because with a little when it's so helpful to get back to them and say To me some things that you're feeling so if you have a little one. Here's where I would start okay wait let me give you the scenario here in the law and he just come out of the toy store but your child really really wanted that toy and so you're like nowhere and I can get that toy today. Maybe we'll do this another day weren't for your birthday come out of the mall and they just scream and they're laying on the floor or you're in the grocery store line and they see the candy they want something that you say no and they just stretched out and they just fling themselves to the in the back of the card or wherever.

And this is screening as a friend of yeah right so the hard thing is you gotta catch it early. So when you say no you and you get ready.

Yet now, see, think, okay, it might happen right and you already know that your child struggles with this kind of behavior you have created a system where they can earn brave beads because brave beads are also for flexibility in its actual bead is an actual bead a marble a pom-pom something like that. And so what you would do is to say no were not can get a treat. Right now I want you to take three deep breaths and if you can keep the deep breath going and we can walk out the store and you can determine your right before we can is a great opportunity here, but you gotta catch it early and every child is different but you know their jaw tenses up there little face turns red.

Or, you can see there for whatever it is that, their son, that's when you want to start okay you know it's coming. It's fascinating to think that this helps for little children, but it helps for adults that I got to be on a so sick of to become a better golfer if I just do this before the golf shop you know one of these thoughts about Hedrick real hit this and use the word grounding in the ground a sandwich of Sandra anyway kidding, but it is like big homes. Yeah, your soul, your mean of course I love the TECO part.

You know you where you're touching your leg and draw a square or flour for me a football. What is you just need 20 seconds of that devoted to the reset button. One great yeah practically like taken Scripture. This is capture rethought anxious for nothing says let me help you do that to because it can become just as versatile. I can't do it and I thrown away because I tried but it doesn't work, or there could be the peace of God oppresses older Sunni which is verse 7467 that can flood me, but I got to participate so I can sort allow God to to deal to give that end up you do that for your children want to know what a gift and so take us down to the adolescent girl or even teenage girl that just will not talk about any of this with you as a parent, what can we do do do we take them and how do we know when to take them to a therapist so I have total lot appearance. I've gotten that question a lot and I have said because adolescents are just so tricky, and they often won't talk and I'll talk to somebody else, way before they'll talk to you that I wrote that I tried to really re-create what it would be like in my counseling yet if I was meeting them for the first time and so I have said appearance when you say word I want you to go by that book and put it on their bedside table and never mentioned really and then all we can look at your table. Just curious what you think. Tell parents often and I have in the beginning I have these guidelines for reading the brave book and I cannot talk about some of those things don't asked some quick questions directly.

The work is there is not yours are some real direct things SAS that one of my favorite words with parents of adolescents is to be breezy. The more intense we live from so I think the more direct we asked them they they feel so awkward inside of themselves as adolescents and I think they get so awkward about intimacy is messing with their appearance and so when were asking those direct questions we just get shut down.

I'm writing it down breezy the day. That's our new codeword. They just save your life, you're pretty breezy Dell saying to you know, I know, but you are is apparent to breezy the wind blows your termination maybe so you know, one of the other really cool things that I came at so when I started writing the first books on anxiety and read 23 books about just wanted to be really well-versed in well and I was twitchy myself a lot. One of the other fascinating things I came across was that in in most households. There is one anxious. In 19 anxious. Yes, and then nine anxious spirit often gets dismissed and I think that's the breezy air. What he may dismissed like you're not watching you don't see what's happening aware as I am. What's going on in this moment we have had this conversation bed at night like it you know if the kids are out as teenagers lay there thank I know they're doing something like trouble is happening tonight honey dark drawn the square to reason.

Those are those are lie will say that it's based I think one of the parents in the lead times as the mom. Because we see so much and maybe it's the wife. The woman she's seeing and she's tracking with their kids more and if this is an arrogant comment. I would think you're nice and touched Dave but really what you're saying out there, breezy, celebrate that, and it's so important that's really good to counteract where you go in your head. Probably it starts in a genuine place but talk to so many parents who say I was never anxious kids yeah I did that not only get them out. Now you can appreciate it and then we hope kids love it and will still apply to grandchildren you, but I would say to our list or go get the book is a great tool for you, but I never thought of doing what you just said maybe if you got a hold would you say the girl needs to be deleted on her nightstand or whatever. So I think if she's 11 and under.

I would get a braver, stronger, smarter, okay, if she's over.

She's 12 and up and get her brave you would put a buyer better by I would read braver sugar smarter with their okay brave I would put on her bedside table EP if she does talk to you told a government that mom and a daughter last week that there really close a daughter 17 and as they were leaving I said I want you to buy one and I want I said to the daughter and what you write in the margins. It's actually a journal meant to question response and then I want you to get your mom and let her read that chapter because I want her to understand you better, which that's kind of an inroad to an adolescents heart. If you say because here they all feel like my parents don't understand yeah if you can see what's going on more and I bought one for myself so I could read it to your love that even if they if they roll their eyes that they whatever you knows yell currently. They would love that's really glasses he thinks is the great nonsense of funding is the thanks how we interact with and communicate with our teenagers especially around subjects like anxiety and fear how we hear from them about what's going on their own heart. This is not easy and they don't make it for us as parents. It takes skill on our part to know how to engage with our teens so that we can help them and we can point them in the right direction.

We can point them to faith instead of fear. We can point them to what the Bible has to say and help them in the midst of the anxiety they're dealing with.

This is at the heart of what Sissy Goff has written in her book brave the subtitle is a teen girl's guide to breeding, worry and anxiety. And I think honestly it may help some moms and dads of teenagers to understand how we can build our own worry of anxiety as well. We have Sissy's book available you can order it from us online@familylifetothe.com or you can call to order at one 800 FL today given the title of the book is brave. It's available online@familylifetothe.com or call to order at 1-800-358-6329 that's one 800 F as in family L as in life, and then the word today. I have to tell you one of the things that of the team here at family life is really excited about. As we look toward a new month, look toward September is the fact that starting in September we will be hosting weekend.

Remember marriage getaways in dozens of cities all across the country and course for the last 18 months, we've had to cancel those weekends to remember. It's exciting to have them happening again this fall were very busy here at family life to date.

One of the reasons I mention this is because our team is also hoping and praying here in the last week of August that in every city were family like today is heard there might be two families who would join us as monthly donors to family life we call them legacy partners and if you are one of those two families to join us in your community would like to send you as a thank you gift certificates so that you and your spouse or someone you know that you'd like to give this to can attend one of the upcoming getaways as our guest certificate is our way of saying thank you for helping to support the ongoing work of family life to the is a monthly legacy partner legacy partners are the backbone of all that we do here at family life and in addition to the certificate to attend the weekend. Remember getaway would also like to send you a copy of David and Wilson's new book, no perfect parents and access to more than a dozen messages from Dave and I am some of which have been heard on family life today.

Some of which have not, you will have access to those messages.

All of this is our way of saying thank you for becoming a family like today legacy partner and would you join us just praying that in each city where this program is heard there might be two families would step forward and say we really join the team if you'd like to be one of those two you can become a legacy partner by calling one 800 FL today or simply go online@familyliketothey.com and the information you need is available there. Thanks in advance for joining us and partnering with us in the ministry of family life to the and we hope you can join us back tomorrow. As we continue to explore how we as parents can help our teenage daughters who may be experiencing unusually high levels of anxiety, fear, or worry Sissy Goff will be back with us again tomorrow. Hope you could be here as well on behalf of our hosts David and Wilson on Bob team will see you back next time for another edition of family life, family life today is a production of family life ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most