Loving Your Sons

Okay honey as you think about my job as a dad with our son good. This is a good time.

Don't degree. I just want it on a scale 1 to 10.

There I guess this is an event or degree scale 1 to 10 how did I do loving our sons homeboy.

The pause means not good. I think you like it. Is that why did you body weight articulated welcome to family life today where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most and will send Dave Wilson and you can find us@familyliketoday.com or on our family life. This is family life today as I was thinking about it I thought.

And I've said this. It was easier. I feel like for me to love them when there were little boys and as they became men. It should've been the same, but it felt harder to love them awkwardly think that way I don't know exactly it was because today we get help with this.

Why bring it up because I felt like it was man-to-man and it felt different. It shouldn't have, but it felt different to me and again I'm not make an excuse, introducing the topic as we got to experts on this. You guys, Matt and Lisa Jacobson.

Welcome to family life today is good to be back to me were really glad to have you back here and you know you are the gurus of 100 ways you have is the love your husband 100 ways. Love your wife. Those were previous books right yes just said. Now you come out with 100 ways to love your son hundred ways to love your daughter. We get to talk about sons for this time just to introduce you little bit you not just authors your speakers you planted a church involved in that you get eight kids you got faithful man.com and you do a podcast tells by your podcast as I start listening to and I thought it was fantastic possible. Thanks so much. Yes it's called faithful life podcast and it is essentially about living a faithful life on your personal life with God in your life with your spouse and how you're walking together and it's really just practical Christian living.

That's really what it is I can like how you describe it in terms of talking babe about hey I know this intellectually. Or I understand, but what is it mean.

On Monday morning, when normal life has for life. It just does.

You always call you babe. Yes he did cancel Pat use all of them today.

Okay all the way there really cute Lisa.

You also are the least, is the founder and host of club 31 women.com it's a resource it's a the blog but it also has lots of other ministries in book that goes with it, but it's encouraging women in their biblical walk just as if their mother if there wife if there I daughter it's all ages and ideas very practical biblical encouragement can sometimes lamella verse or will know were supposed to be this way.

But how is that look like and what are some ways that I can be more truthful, more kind, all those kind of things into your home into daily life. How did you two end up with the hundred ways because actually I think it is obvious you due to it's a great way to write a book as their little nuggets there almost like a Devo, you know, again, I would be like, I can write 500 if I can write what you come over the hundred on in many different topics in their very easy to read and there so practical, so how do you end up on hundred ways. While I think a lot of great books out there that talk about the big concepts the kinds of parents you want to be, or maybe the kind of in the case for marriage books, marriage want to have such safe communication you think okay I know I need to communicate better.

I need community more lovingly than you anyway to escape but to put the book down and you go out there to your kids in this case, any what to say and I don't know what this looks like I just need a little bite of something that I can start today making a difference in my home. And that's basically how we broken down into these little bite-size pieces. The thing is is a great relationship is built with just a lot of everyday moments and so when you get into the 100 which love your son book you find that it isn't this deep tone that you've got to just commit to getting through.

It's really just bite sized instruction on very practical things and you can read a page or two at a time and then you can think about that you can apply the book will give you maybe a way to change your thinking. It'll give you something specific, some concrete to do and you can just employ that in your relationship with your son. And so it's very practical, very doable. We get a lot of feedback.

Hey, this is a book that my husband will read things you can do today were really get a look at how do we communicate to our son that we love them and that they are left you, and I started this book on how to live again.

I set up struggled with that. I found it easy not make that easy, but I found it easier for me when they were little boys to hug them to lay in bed with to say I love you.

I didn't have a dad.

So I never had a dad say that so I was trying to create a new legacy. It was awesome. From what I remember you have to ask our sons.

How awesome was when we wrote our parenting book.

We literally said right in the book so they did and they said here's what worked and what didn't work, but I struggled. I feel like as they became teenagers. I don't think I did a bad job of it but it was awkward felt a little awkward to even say those kind of thing so let's dive in the little because I mean when I picked up your book on Mike this is very very practical.

I mean, you could pick almost any one of these 100 and you got an assignment for the day, Gaia might just tell me what to do it all and there was in her walking is good, but did you find out at all in terms of love and your sons. Was it different. When I got older, same. Oh, I think it was differently different for me absolutely one of the things that is just a natural part of us on getting older is that he gets into that 13 1415 1617 range there and they can start earlier or little later, but he goes through this process of becoming a payment from you and it can feel to the parent in the moment as hey your your your pushing back against me your rebellion against me and then I can certainly be a part of it but the truth is, is there is a natural process that's taking place there and we obviously want our sons to grow independently and to become independent of us, in so far as there getting ready to leave their life and step out wherever God may be leading them what I had to do is I had to recognize that and I will. I won't say that I recognize it perfectly overwhelmingly so very good team and she's just spoken so much into my heart and life on these things. I just really appreciate the perspective that a wife.

My wife and anybody that your marriage God gave you, your wife, for the purpose of blessing you with that added perspective. But I had to get to the place were I change how I was thinking about that process and I said I told her so I need to embrace this process of them becoming independent but before doing that yes it was tougher for me because it did feel like there's this pushback against dads instruction and suggestions and not all the time but it became.

I think naturally that underlying process of them becoming independent so it's much easier to love you little kids they have a lot less sort of life direction where you see your teenagers making choices but you get to a place where you recognize that know this is a natural part of what's happening is there growing into manhood and embracing and the thing about loving your sons are older, is they need just as much love as your kids when they're younger it's just different. Yeah, I know that one of things I experience is this where Sam at his site recognize and become in men and pulling away and in some sense I celebrated that there was awesome at same time or like where you gonna get outside. You want them but what I found was like you said when their little boys your your laying in bed and hugging him and then when you're older and it's like beard to beard yeah you know that's what it was like this is a man now and again it's it's my son so it shouldn't be awkward. I have a young man that we led to Christ on a basketball court playing pickup basketball pauses and a great guy and as I got to know Paul realize he grew up on the street to Detroit. His family sort abandoned him. He had no background and you know he sorta walked into our life through basketball and then put in our front door and all these weird things and next thing I know were sort of almost adopted Paul, he never had a dad incisor became a father figure in his life he lived with for a period of time, or forget me. He's 2125 at the time, maybe 26 is younger than is like 20 yeah, he probably was more like early 20s. He's in my kitchen and he just walks over one day and he gives me a bear hug, and he won't let go.

It wasn't like a hug.

It was a long hard look at me with desperation is really tight in his face is right here beside mine and you know he just says he said some like Dave Wilson I love you. You are father that I never had things well, you know. And here's the thing.

It was just a sweet moment right and all of a sudden he goes hey and he still like literally bear hug me just like tight hey this is making you feel uncomfortable and like yours and you're actually stiffening up ancillary thugs even tighter goes. This is a good thing me tell you you I love you and I go, I know it is goes to London on the change you when you can become more and again it was that why these moments are lilies there it is and you know one of the hundred ways you put in your book is hug your son and I want things I love about the bucket isn't just a father writing to father and mom.

So Lisa, you wrote this sort of story about how it's good to hug your kids talk about that little bit. I think that the kids they long for most of them at that one kid is not as much of a touchy guy, but I still think he needed so he gets his hug.

Nevertheless but they do long for that and sometimes it was so quick with words thinking were fountain of wisdom and we can't wait to just give them that lecture and Karen them, and many times I have found that just that gentle touch, even just a hand on the shoulder.

Gentle pat on the back it says so much. It says I love you it says I'm there with you. I'm standing with you. It's was very powerful and it's a wicked underuse. It sees a cloyingly notice I think is that if your mother who has a son who's getting up into his teens. Just be really respectful of him as well. Don't continue little little boy thing they tend not like that, but especially in front of their friends especially feathered friends. Although my boys are pretty pretty lovey-dovey actually refresher well just one of the things that also we've really tried to do is to recognize that each one of our kids there literally a different person about the exactly need to be a profound statement, but they have a different personality than you. They see things differently. They approach things differently and a lot of times I think. As parents we can think of different as wrong because it's not our way is not our way of thinking, and especially as the boys got older, I absolutely have had to grow in that understanding. They see things and do things dearly because of their the differences in their personalities. So we've gotten in the habit of just telling them you know what, I love your personality. You're so different than me. I love how you think. I love how your thought leads you to doing something a different way completely than what I would do but we really try to tell them that a regular basis since they lie here just like you and that's really one of the first things you open the book with is that say to them how much you loved to be with them yeah yeah and you tell the story tell this story because I had a similar experience of her dad whose awesome never saying to me he thought I was awesome. And then one day I overheard him that she grow but he's a great guy he is sort of became my father. He's my high school coach, but I always wondered even after we're married Dick just really celebrates me in a hurry Monday talking to somebody about me and he was talking like on the greatest guy ever. Yeah right, like you said to me that he almost backpedaled like well you like he didn't think that was something he should do.

He should say about me to somebody else but not to my face is the irony of being a parent and I don't know why but parents so often are ready to celebrate you to 1/3 party right about directly to you. I grew up in a home where I just didn't have a lot of clear affirmation always felt like it was in the way it felt like I was maybe even not wanted, which is not remotely the truth terms of how my parents felt and certainly not later in life but but that's kind of what I grew up with is that since all we really wanted our kids to know we feel like you we like being with you.

We love spending time with you and that's a repeat theme.

There's two things is I know quite a few people that never heard their parents say I love you. I didn't going at my parents never said that. Yeah, it's just, and it it's just assumed that some they didn't love you. They just didn't say it, and how often we actually really need to hear that and repeatedly, but another powerful statement in its own way is that even I like you to connect and throw out. I love youse like our families where I think we overcompensated that you rightly said what about the parent that thinking I really don't like my kid right now you know teenager that's just feels like Terry Belanger pulling away and I've heard parents say I love you but I don't like you right now anything baby.

She is said that that's what seeds you have sent out of the she said that we all want to be like, to which is to say not just the have to love me, but do you really like me and it's it's and it's also very powerful statement to communicate your child. I like you get different sometimes make me tear my hair out a little bit but I like you was interesting. I think our oldest son was nine and we put the boys to bed. Pray for them, talk to them every night and this one night I was about to turn off the light and I said to her oldest CJ I love you so much and he stops me unlocking ice. My mom Mike what he said you don't have to tell me that all no say over and over, and here's what he says you can just tell me one time and I know it the rest of my life and my first thought was his poor wife now, and I remember coming back in the room saying thanks for sharing that. But here's the truth like I'm that estate over and over because I just deal it flows out of me and I sang and I like you too and I then said in the truth is your wife need to hear that over and over and your kids will need to hear that over and over because even as a mom I get insecure and his people. We get insecure and we need to be reminded at the truth that that one of the things that I like to say the only slide in talking with parents like to remind them is don't take the bait. Okay, just laying just don't take the bait well were talked about this business of liking or not liking and sometimes we can get into a circumstance where you want to have a problem here with the sun and the thing is that as a parent isn't it hard not to take that pushback personally. Yeah right. Isn't that hard. That is so hard so we we take it personally. We get hurt as parents. It's always a shock or to the kids. Wait, mom and dad can be heard it all and then were tempted, respond back from that place of hurt and so growing up. It's tough. There's so many transitions there are so many things going on all at the same time, but don't take the bait and don't take your moment and say hey my kid is hurting me personally and just choose not to take it personally that will help you stay on a plane of having the right perspective on the right response to them in that moment and of course we've all heard many many times. A soft answer turns away wrath, you know, we get those tension moments, but if you cannot take the bait and respond from your place of personal hurt his kids are good at hurting their parents, then we are. If you can choose not to respond that way and respond in a loving manner, even though they were acting that way you can really lower the tension in the moment and also give them a little space just to be in that moment where they get to grow to because their own attorney were all on a journey of growth and maturity. There on a journey of growth and maturity. And sometimes we don't give as much grace for that in them as we want for ourselves for our own journey so Lisa let me ask you that question when I'm talking to moms or dads nice especially say to mom's like, don't take it personally.

How how do we not take it personally when it really hurts what they're saying.

I think you can take your heart and you can just take aside and work through it another time with maybe another person that and I talked to each other quite a bit about this actually been able to encourage each other. Remember this is not about you, even though it feels like it's about you if you don't have a spouse that supported that way you can also even go to a friend and just say my child said that I did this and it just feels like it's a direct attack and encourage each other.

Note this is knowledge this is the spiritual battle some cases and sometimes the child and even me Matt or even think that you might be hurt by that mentally eye-opening to go and later we might have this conversation as the team to say we work in the situation, but later will state you realize that when you said this or did this feels personal.

Yeah, we talk about it. We got to it and we like to say never try to deal with a correction in the moment of emotional intensity right now you so I got a get away from that to three days later when doing field level and all the emotions are calm down. Then you can go back and talk about it, not something we do. The other thing we like to say is you play, how you practice okay so if you go into that kind of a discussion with the mindset already that I'm not going to allow myself get emotionally drawn in. I'm going to maintain my calm approach that's really helpful to just to have that attitude, and that thought before you actually get there so that when it happens. You see saw that coming, and I'm not take the bait.

I know that as a parent I been there.

I think we all have, you know where you know you're hurt or something is done in your thinking I need to be the adult here and I don't want to be an respond immaturely just like my son or daughter did, and yet it's like you said lease is one of those moments go. I got a I got asked God for help and you have 100 ways. So sometimes it's like I go take a little more time.

You know, again, I find it so practical in your book, one that just hit me. It's number 8/100, always be glad to see your son. You know what it was that look like always be glad because there's moments when you're working in are you doing your project and they walk in. You know you and you're not really glad in that moment you know it's like I am, but I'm not I have things going on. So how do I be glad when maybe I'm not well. One example of this was listening to long ago I was on a tight deadline and I had to quickly get some dinner going before I went back to finish my deadline and I can just I was just stress just beaming out of my body over the stove and my son came behind me and he was just kind of wrapping his arms around me about 15 visits counties taller than I am and honestly every I could just bristle get them to like the way try to get this thing done the other part of me because he said don't you want that someday you miss this so don't communicate to him go away so I did my best in any attorney Meany seen on something I like some all ears write what I think any positive here.

He said I like the always glad to see me even when you're not. I'm sorry to read through me but I'm glad that it does mean something to you, and I was able to articulate that to say it's important to me that you're happy to see me when you just talk about these hard things and working through with your kids.

But there's so much building you can do in between that makes us hard things easier to work through. When you have communicated.

I'm happy to see you write like you or those are the really positive building things that make those harder moments is not so hard to work in a minute ago we were talking about. They are people there little persons will how do we feel when we walk into a room currently underway. Not really thrilled that we were there like we don't like that right. We like walking into room and a to see how you how you doing that's great, will what we communicating to them when they walk into the room. The Bible says love others as you love yourself.

That's away practically a parent can do that with their son. He walks in the room. I'm just glad to see we got in the habit in the morning and course you know people stumbled on the stairs and will have in our call this one of things we do as a family is sweet and we done it for forever started it when when when we were married yeah well I love this because in the book you talk about that you serve coffee to your family there we go. Yeah, that's right. Now the boys of taken it over and the girls I think had it for a while, just as they got older. Each kid took a turn at serving but that's what we do, we just have coffee together and when they show up in the morning we give a positive greeting. It's so good to see you, good morning. Usually, a hug or something when they walk into the room.

Anytime a day. We just want to communicate that it personally my personality. I have to be reminded about because it is not natural with me.

I can just have my head down and do my thing and pay nothing on fire, so it's good let's get going. I have to treat him like I want to be treated. When I walk into a room when I see people that I'm hoping will be glad that they see me. My thought is here that is that's what the heavenly father does every time approached him like I used to have this same filled view of God that when I would come before hand and maybe been a couple days he was tapping his foot like about time know he's always in precipitating our return. Love seeing and so my thought was all were just doing what the father with you.

He so excited to see kids of the prodigal and the father running down to the prodigal welcoming him back home. Yes I love that idea of making sure even the morning that we love them, see them notice them all. The guy that lived in her house for a while we were walking in the door one day after plants of pickup basketball middle of the afternoon. He's telling me a story as a step in the front door. My three little boys probably 78 and younger come running to the front door.

Danny's Sundays home when I swoop him up.

Give him a big hug. Hey, there's a hug again. Give him a big hug and roll around the family room for a little bit with them and it must been an hour hour and half later I'm on the back deck with Paul alone and he says hey I need say some to you you so hurt me earlier today and you know it is you say I was like Dumbo when he was lying and I were walking in the house after play basketball and I was sharing a story with you and as soon as the door open. Your kids can run. You didn't even hear the end of my story just like cut me off and you switch up your boys and you just gotta be honest that sort of Herbie and Amira looking and go on.

I'm sorry but I'm not sorry because here's the thing Paul. I said I never had a dead walk in the front door and I never felt important and so I've made a commitment that my boys feel like the most port thing in my life.

And so when I see them and they said daddy I want to say they're the only thing that matters right now so I sent them up on sorry in some ways but not really.

And so what you want to tell me now you know about your story on their forget he just goes to, that's also had no idea and it's one and just said that's the perspective of the heavenly father. The second we look his way. He is running to the front door and picking us up and say in ICU. You're the most important right that is his heart and as a mom and dad what our kids feel that from us. It's what you're saying in the book. It's like man that makes him feel loved beyond love right, absolutely. And if you're the parent that has the kid to go with you when you say higher when you do good again persevere. Just keep at it. Persevere because you never know later in life. In fact, one of our kids in talking about the certain aspect of the way he was interact with the system know I did that you don't like looking back on no one but love the fact that we persevered and that we were single-minded and focused on.

We love you we like you. So if you got that son that shrugs it off. That's okay you just stay in the game. Don't take the bait. Don't take it personally just standing up so many times we found also, when were tempted to take something personally found up well. There was just some big thing that happened in their life and that's where their head was and so they were really trying to directly hurt our feelings by not responding. That was just their heart was at a different place and and maybe hurting or maybe focus on something else. So just keep that in mind, persevere. If you're the parent with the kid that doesn't really respond directly to the truth is nobody rebels or walks away from love people walked toward love and their feeling love it's almost impossible to run away from that you are drawn to it so I need to talk about 100 ways. Love your son that draws family together. It's what God does us.

It draws us and I think it be inching for our listeners to go online and even post on family life, social media ways. Their parents love them or as parents ways they do absolutely books really are the ways that we genuinely try to love our kids. We asked our kids. What are some ways it felt made you feel loved and so was a big kind of a group effort that weight.

But even as you're reading about the Michael I wouldn't do that might son wouldn't appreciate that, but does give me an idea that they would like to sell the very least it's a conversation starter.

It's a way of thinking when we started writing about.

They were talking about what actually time ourselves how we know our parents loved us that we can always feel love and how many adults we know that said that's exactly that would be our case item is not that my parents is that he didn't love us. It's just they can spend time with us or they can actually say I love you. How kind tragic. That is really that theirs is all this love that just get communicated and we had to be intentional about that.

So that's another thing with the books is just a way of being intentional about the love you already feeling and you know you said at the beginning. I hope your tongue was in your cheek when you said experts. The fact of the matter is, were not experts were just people that are on a journey, have tried to learn some things and we've made mistakes. We absolutely have and we've learned to do some of these things that are in these books to you know I'm one of these guys that all of our kids are really knows her kids are really hard workers will get out and do the job. You stay in. You do the job.

The job done in Jacobson's never give up. And so the kids are really great at that. I wish I was better at fun and so there are some suggestions in the book, which is ways to have fun with the kids because I was all about getting done what needed doing. But then the fun part of just hey, let's go. Let's just do something fun and even your looking back, I wish I was more like that you when the kids were really young, but that's one of the reasons why there are many suggestions in the book that are in that category because it's something that I really had to grow in to let go of you know the next responsibility in the next duty of just entering the moment and so really just practical suggestions is what you find here but isn't because we have it all dialed in and were perfect is because we ourselves learned a lot of these things all of us know, but it's easy to forget how important it is for our kids to understand that we love them for them to know that and as parents we have to be wise in the how we express that in a way that they're going to understand it and receive it. That's why I think the help we been getting from Matt and Lisa Jacobson today is so vital because it reminds us that this is a part of our responsibility as parents to communicate our love for our children were making available this week. Matt and Lisa's books hundred ways to love your son hundred ways to love your daughter will send you both books as a thank you gift. If you're able to help support the ministry of family life this week with a donation as most of you know, family life, to a is here because listeners like you have made today's program possible were entirely dependent on our listeners to keep family life today on the air on this station on our network of stations across the country.

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It's easy to do and again when you donate today would love to send you Matt and Lisa Jacobson's books hundred ways to love your son hundred ways to love your daughter practical ways for you to be communicating to your children. Just how much you love them and by the way, this is for young children for teenagers. We even need to continue to communicate to our adult children that we love them and that were proud of them again.

You can donate online@familylifeto.com or call one 803 586-329-1800 FL today to make a donation and request your copy of the books from Matt and Lisa Jacobson and working to continue to talk about this with Matt and Lisa Jacobson tomorrow.

I hope you can be with us for that on behalf of our hosts Damon and Wilson and Bob Lapine see you back next time for another edition of family life today. Today is a production of family life accrue ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most