Having a Brave Home

It always strikes me is this I think to myself. They really have reasons not to jump because I'm not always trustworthy, and yet I know that I'm in a catch some I know it can be okay. Why will they just job. Isn't that how God looks at me because I have no reason to doubt him, he will absolutely catch me has never failed me. Welcome to family life today where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most and Wilson and I'm Dave Wilson and you can find us@familylifetoday.com or on our family life app. This is family life today. One of the things we used to do as a family which I gotta give credit to my wife is going occasions that we went on a couple RV trips have their stories traveled the country in an RV. I we used to call it camping but is not given when you get an RV with a generator they see all the great stuff. So I'm or would stop at these campgrounds and they always had a pool and on their forget when our boys are a little and every dad or moms from experience as you're in the pool and they're afraid to jump in because I haven't really done that yet, so they're there and you and the poor, like you try to convince them can trust me, you can trust me yet, but you can see in their mind this little tension between faith and fear. Do I trust dad to a trust mom.

Can I trust him never done this before fear is that never jumped in the pool. My heads never gone under. And of course you're like look at me look at my arm so the size of a Greek God right biceps that would never let you down. You know they are either going to jump in at that faith moment. There's that split-second where they don't know and then they feel dad or mom catch you in their running back to do it again because they've experienced it. But you know when you apply that to our walks in our and our faith life. I mean, we don't have that thought in the pool. But if you think it's true.

If they never jump there's consequences because they'll think you know I'm not a jumper kinda kid you know and I'm not. There's constant and if they do jump, there's consequences, and so I think this applies to what we talk about today were Kevin a Thompson pastor in Arkansas who wrote a book of fearless families.

It's all about fear and I love what we were taught about building a home of the afraid your term, or the brave and I know you've written other books in your dad and your pastor and so you lived this not only in your home, but in your church in your community.

First, always a welcome family today. As you hear the phrase they really like when when can I jump it is you shaking your head. I could tell that you've experience a future set as a dead with the kid on the side of the pool of there's no question what always strikes me as this. I think to myself. They really have reasons not to jump because I'm not always trustworthy, and yet I know that I'm in a catch some I know it can be okay. Why will they just job. Isn't that how God looks at me because I have no reason to doubt him, he will absolutely catch me has never failed to look at the pastor does is sit still lovable Dave telling the boys doing think because you've seen them for as a failed you. But God never has and yet so often when I think about that division between my children and me just reminds me that is such a small division compared my division between God and me, and any time.

I'm frustrated by my kids not trusting me, not telling me the truth, not obeying me not doing all those things. Kevin just flip that around. That's how God feels if she just knows you have a better life if you will follow him and that's what fearless families really is about. In the end it comes down to a very basic question. You can go the way of love are not as you thought about writing a book called fearless families is that because you saw a lot of fear maybe in your own home or in other homes and we pastor and you know a lot of families. Was it some you like me I see fear everywhere I got I got address at her, though I think the funny thing about the title of the book is, is the concept of it comes out, and my my daughter who is now 15. She looks at me and she goes but daddy were not fearless, basically calling out the hypocrisy of that I like. Who are you to write a book about fearless families right but it really is. This concept of how fear is dominating every aspect of our lives and natural really the heart of the book came from in my own experience that I have my son that can revealed in the anxiety that I had within my own heart and how that was playing out in the lives of everybody that was around me. The family that I have in my house with my wife and children. The family I have at work at the church with my coworkers and the employees that work for me the fear that I was now bringing to my friend group all those different little families that I have how my fear was adding to their fear and how it really was dominating our world and this was before the pandemic and the pandemic kids and then it just explodes of this concept of fear, literally driving every aspect of who we are and I think so. Often people don't see it. This was the amazing thing to me is now the people see the book and are starting to read it will say things like Kevin, I nevertheless house driven by fear until I read this book will how much are you crazy like a couple comes my office.

I can point out 10 different ways that they're making choices based on fear, but they don't even realize fear is so much the water that were swimming in. We never even recognize it and we don't know how to ruling our lives interesting. I remember when our kids were teenagers. I've probably never been as fearful as that era when they're all teenagers and a red 10 kennels book called grace based parenting and he asked the question, are you parenting out of fear in my answer was, of course, and I should be afraid to look at our world, and I realize how most of my decisions that I'm making with our teens are based out of my own fear of what they'll do. Of what they'll become of how they'll make us look and all of it was at a fear and you're right. I didn't even recognize it until someone pointed it out and so you're helping us you're asking us what are we afraid of the reality is on many of the statistics we actually live in one of the safest times ever.

That whatever you look at child abduction child murder. Whatever you look at the big statistics.

This is actually one of the safest times ever to be a child but what happened. I think with the onset of of 24 news channels. The danger rate for children was dropping 60%. The new stories about child abduction is going up 600%, and the 9/11 happened that in my generation was was watching these events is as before we got married before we had kids or maybe right when we were having them and suddenly the world seem like a very dangerous place in the pandemic hits and literally what used to be the most mundane, concept of sharing a handshake or a hug could now kill a family member and so it's it's no surprise. I think that we live in a very fearful generation that and yet at the same time. That is, is our awareness of that fear making our lives better.

Are we making better decisions because where were feeling so fearful. Nobody would say that you claim that this is going the way it's supposed to go in and understand raise especially raising teenagers in a fearful kind of culture but I think the question becomes, do the decisions you make based on fear lead to better outcomes. No, they simply don't wooden decisions based on love be better. Of course I think we all naturally innately know that we just don't believe that. So it comes down to this question of which we get a believer we can believe what feels natural to us. We can believe what God has taught us that and follow after him. One of the things we do and where afraid is we make an idol of safety. You know, it becomes sort of our God. Do whatever it takes to be completely safe but you mentioned book, other idols, other things we sort of place up because were live in and fear what what would they be what we talked about previously that the home of the freight is built on the foundation of safety that that we make that the primary question and fear drives us to idolize this concept will the natural roof that is built on top of the foundation of safety is that of appearances that we are now going to project a strength of power and ability were not to show any weakness whatsoever. Until maybe we we are what direction projecting or at least until work were not found out to be in that way and what becomes the dominant, image and metaphor for the family.

What's really driving us is we know we don't have it altogether.

But we can show that weakness.

We can't reveal it to our kids can't reveal it to each other. We deftly can't reveal it to those who are outside of our families and so we are so concerned with projecting something that doesn't match the reality of who we are.

Why, because when safety is the foundation that were building on. We can surely weakness about if you're out on the prairie and there's a lion that's out there. Then you can't lamp your the one he's going to chase down that would literally survival of the fittest pedestal driving as is survival of the fittest of the sky concept and in many ways it is a God-given concept of fight, flight, or freeze. We understand what our lives on the line. It can be the right response. But when it comes down to having a difficult conversation with your teenager or with your spouse with a coworker, a friend that is the worst response you can possibly give what happens is when we idolize safety. We naturally begin to idolize appearances because if I show weakness. If I show vulnerability, I'm not. You feel safe in that moment because I don't trust you. I can't now reveal my full heart and who you are and the next thing you know a marriage that's built on appearances you're showing part of your heart, your brick ring and party your heart is not even a real relationship you said I do to bring the fullness of who you are to the table, but neither one of you are doing that because you're afraid that if I show the weakness of I admit that this hurt me if I if I asked the question how if I hurt you. You can then use that against me and manipulate me and abuse me and bring it up there and we we been hurt so many times that which is very naturally learned project I got got it together. I have it all can be at all I can do it all and it's killing us in the process was really scared when I hear you say that is that idle is a big idol in the church people feel like to walk in the doors of the church. That's were the people that have it together live and when a math we put on our mask. I said many times at our church over 30 years. I like to put a sign at our front door says drop your mask here. This is a former wear mascara. I am a deftly but you know you just want to say I want. I hope this place could be an authentic place where you can come and be real and is much as you say that you still realize it's really really hard to do people see the church as a place where I can't be. So I put on the appearance that I don't share weakness and sometimes it is saving our home.

It is like an eye and tell mom or dad. What I'm really struggling with him until my son or daughter that I'm not as put together as it looks like as a dad or mom why we do it that because of me that's the home of the afraid will have another barter book, which is the home of the brave. So how does the home of the brave counteract that.

Let me give an example of. I remember I didn't grow up in the church and so when we started going to church and we had kids.

I remember sitting in a Bible study with small group of women and I sent Holly really yelled at my kids this week you guys.

I feel like I'm going crazy and in a crazy person and I feel so bad and guilty, and then there was total silence. Everyone had small children and I said do you guys never yell at your kids and Cindy said I have never yelled at my kids and nobody said anything and so I walked away thinking oh I'm the only one they are true followers of Jesus.

I'm the only sinner in the room and I thought, I'm not gonna share any more of my mistakes and the things I've made, and so I just learn to put on a mask. Actually I didn't because I just got out of that Bible study thinking surely there someone I find another church because I can't hide. And I don't think it's good to hide in the message that was sent by the group in that moment was not that we all make mistakes because Michael stepped in and said you know I don't feel like it but here's what I do and to show humanity in that moment right.

It is the message that was sent to you is a we don't reveal weaknesses here and what is that that is the roof of appearances that were not allowed because safety is the foundation of who we are. Appearances have to be the roof and what we think is that appearances are gonna protect us now from the fears of life and from the pains live so if you can project a strength project of power than somebody else will accuse you of something more they won't try to manipulate you or guilt you into something if you refuse to show that weakness. We think they'll have the have nothing to come after us with will be safer in that way, but Dave even a pastor of a great church for 30 years, you know better than anybody until you come in here and live in authentic way until you admit what's going on.

You have no chance of healing until you reveal it. You can't heal from our right.

No chance. And you know what's funny is up as a pastor of the all done in your church for so long it is. You just beg people continuously just drop it tells the truth, and will deal with it will handle it. But as long as you're acting, it's simply not going to work and what you're doing and that moment is your calling them out of the home of the afraid the church of the afraid and into the home of the brave.

The church, the Bible, what is the root for the foundation now is not safety. It is trust you trust God and trust each other that we don't just give trust one another without forethought. It has to be earned anyways but we are to have the courage to reckon as we do need to trust other people and once you have that trust with other people, then you can begin instead of putting up the roof of appearances you can put up the roof of heart.

Here's who I actually am.

And you can think without that concept of heart. Anything that comes up character. Here's who I actually am that and as a as parents.

Here's the home that we want to have. Here's what were going to be building the importance of character it's it's interesting to me that we live in a time in which the topic of character is now thrown aside as though it's not important. So somehow we cut out of the Bible. The idea that character is a prerequisite for biblical leadership in the home in the state in the country anywhere and there's there's no biblical model for that being the case, as a matter fact there's a lot of biblical models for.

Here's what happens when you don't care about character and so even the concept of character development. Churches don't think about that anymore.

A lot of parents to think about that anymore. But in the home of the brave. What were going to say is appearances matter a good name matters. But what matters more than appearances as reality. Who are we, where are we, where do we want to be in until we admit where we are.

We can't take the proper steps to get where we want to be so Summit walked near church you're begging them don't go through five years of hypocrisy and then let me see who you ask your start right now and will be different. Five years from now that you look at your kids eat you. I beg my kids right to teenagers. Just tell me the truth, I can deal with it just just don't put on this show. Just tell me who you actually are or how much is God telling me that that how much is my wife telling me that the Kevin you have to downplay this you have to diminish this. This is what in one of my early marriage, books, friends, partners, lovers, but it's the basic concept that I had to learn that I could tell Jenny what hurt me and it wasn't to kill us, but I'd written the story growing up a whole divorce right I'd written story that the conversation goes wrong. This could be over.

And so I put up the roof appearance.

I'm fine. Everything's okay good will Jenny's like I know you're not fine. I see that you're not fine what you just tell me and to now put up the roof of heart that I'm going to engage the totality of who I am in the brokenness, the messiness of it all. But once you actually start to do that, then you have the chance transformation. You have the chance for change.

Imagine what your home would be like if we really dealt with reality. No line, no mask, no hypocrisy that I'm not saying using our our our failings are brokenness in a mean-spirited way, but I'm just saying how this common aspect of grace and mercy toward you can tell me what your hurt actually is, and now we get to work. They don't know about you, but as a pastor, so my favorite people recovering addicts because they understand the danger of lies of deceit, most honest people in your journal absolutely and that that's why they're healthy is because they've understood that that deception leads to death, and the only chance at life is truth and so they will literally come in and they will destroy the roof appearances faster than anybody else and then they will bring their actual heart in the what's going on. So what you say to a mom or dad who is trying to foster that kind home, the home of the brave trust heart and I get a teenager who says okay I'm going to live in fear on the tell you what I'm doing and I'm doing this have sex with my boyfriend smoking weed it done it three times this week I'm making this up, you know, and they been afraid to say that but now they feel like I'm I could be afraid anymore.

How does a parent respond in a way that how do we sent out will rightfully so, I think you appreciate the honesty you welcome that you encourage you to do everything in your power not to explode but not the wound don't freak out know that's exactly right.

And, again later. You have your friends your counselors that you go back to and then you can say oh my goodness, can you believe it is within the moment you don't.

But then there are consequences to decisions.

The question I would then go to is are one of the rules the house have they been violated. But here's the scary thing David and most homes have never clearly defined what the rules are. They never said hey here's what working of value. So when I go grocery shopping this before you Walmart pickup but back in the old days ways go grocery go shopping. I could do that by two things a list. My cell phone Sonny Jenny to tell me what I need a body I need. I need to build a call or two or three times to say where in Walmart is. This is exactly, but I can go. But she would clearly define. Here's what you want.

Here's what frightened me for the average family out there. They have put more thought and what they're gonna buy the grocery store. The this week than what they values of family, one of the values if you were to go to Fort Smith. Right now you were to find Ellen, Silas, and say one of the Thompson family values they could tell you five things immediately while rolling their eyes then they would do that yeah that they would save man number one love decides in our home. Love is the decision-maker for all think number two families bigger than us. It's not just about us what we think what we feel.

So there's always room of the table. It's only about God's about using what God blessed us to help other people. Number three we avoid the two else we do not line. We are not lazy, we just don't do those things are before we live. Respectfully, that's over initial respect one another in the world to make decisions in a way to develop.

You will find out about them. There can respect what we have done that and the number five were to celebrate courage. We don't celebrate success will celebrate days we celebrate when you've gotten out of your comfort zone and tried something you didn't want to try when you eat the dish you don't want to eat. We walk up to the girl in and ask her out when you walk into the school. Even though you didn't want to those of the things were gonna celebrate those.

The five values that we have right what I love about those five values you can't you can't value it all. Obviously there other things are important us, but basically having falls underneath those five but now, when when discipline needs to happen. It always comes back to those values. What I love about the values is that now means my kids can call me out. Love decides and so if I if I make a decision about them and discipline. They had the right ass daddy is that loving discipline they have every right asked that and I can't.

I can't snap off of them and double the punishment delicately out the question, but literally we are all submitting to these values that we have collectively said are important to us that and what they value now is that concept of heart that what were doing is were trying to shape the character of our kids the character of each other. We often forget about this. You as a businessman is a pastor understand the corporations have cultures. Corporations have character through not just individuals, how a church makes a decision how church treats people that collective body has a character is a what were trying to do these values is to shape our individual character, shape the character of our children of our marriage but also her family to say, here's who were to be in our family. This idea of heart is going to matter for more than appearances and review make that choice.

It greatly influences what happens.

I use the illustration in the book they imagine your marriage is struggling to live in a small town in Arkansas.

All right hypothetically there's one stoplight in town and there's only one marriage counselor comes in this instance, Fort Smith is outside of Fort Smith. So one day a week one marriage counselor comes in from the big town and they have an office right at that stoplight and you call your having problems wives agreed to counseling with you. You call this a yes I can see you Tuesday at noon and using land that the lunch hour.

Every car in town goes by that place at lunch hour.

Do you go to the appointment or not, the home of the afraid does not whine because they care more about appearances. The reality and the idea being seen as having a problem is is not something of a late they value the home of the brave ghosts because they care more about the heart of their marriage and that than they do the reputation of the townspeople they care more about the heart than they do. Appearances which do you care more about skin. I'm thinking of this as I'm thinking of heart.

I'm remembering that one of our kids when they were in their late 20s came back to us and they said I wish you guys would've cared for my heart more than the idea because he came to us and told us he'd been drinking and got drunk and so when he told us that we know we did have consequences, and all of that that later. He said I wish you would've asked me why when you gaining my drinking course.

He says that now as an adult you have answered. Then I really don't know if he could have that he says now like I didn't know who I was. I wanted to fit in. I wanted to be a part of everybody and I was feeling incredibly insecure now as it 18-year-old 17-year-old sick. I don't know if he could have communicated that, but it's interesting that you say that like he wanted us to care for his heart don't explode and I know there will be consequences. But go deeper with me continually, and find out how is your heart and they parents staying especially with teenagers when they're making bad decisions. It's really easy in the church to judge one another all their home.

They are really messed up. But we you know it's easy to do that than I like that you're talking about that really getting to the heart knowing your values, that's really big one thing about this within the concept of even that discussion. Nothing is important for the listeners to understand and to remind themselves overall, so can every single one of our kids or Camille come back to us if they want to and give a list of going ask of. I wish you would've done this and you know what.

In a lot of ways. There can be right and that reality paralyzes the home of the afraid the idea that I could possibly mess up my child that I can make the wrong decision. They literally paralyzes us from making decisions from doing anything, but in the home of the brave. We can mourn that and grieve that no working to make mistakes. But still, the question becomes, okay, so what's the loving response to that. What is the next loving action that I need to take and so even something like that in the home of the brave were they are now revealing their heart, and you can thank them and appreciate what's going on not feel any need to defend yourself for the decisions that you made so you know what man we we must messed that one up and I would do it differently now but it doesn't paralyze you. Instead, it frees you and what's going on. That's what's interesting that the two families can go to the exact same circumstance and for one, it can be grief stricken and for other can be liberating of that's an interesting insight and it doesn't paralyze you from moving forward and it makes you point and again it shows that were broken and the father, God the father. It just points you back to him like aren't you glad that he doesn't mess you know is good stuff really is well and I think it's great for listeners just have that conversation I had this with our kids. I said what he think our values are in our home when they were preteens and teens and just contain. This is because sports was number one because we hadn't read here.

Your helpful and I think it strange to open the door and start having those conversations and you feel like were afraid to feel like there's fear in our family and can you be open and share your heart can be a great conversation starter, when you go surfing thank you.

It may be that your family would benefit from having the kind of conversation that David and Wilson were suggesting a conversation about fears. What are your deepest fears and how can we address those fears and how can we build courage and confidence together as a family that Dave and Anna been talking today to Kevin Thompson, who has written a book called fearless families. It's a book that we got in our family life today resource Center. We also have a link on our website@familylifetothe.com to Kevin's website where he blogs and has additional resources available again, go to family life to a.com to order a copy of the book fearless families or call one 800 FL today to order the website again.

Family life.com, the number to call is 1-800-358-6329 that's one 800 F as in family L as in life, and then the word today. You know, it occurs to me that such as families that can be controlled by fear, but ministries like family life today can experience this as well. David Robbins was the person family life is here with us and David. This is a culture that that causes all of us to become anxious and fearful and this is something that is a ministry we've had to address right now with is something we been processing as a family life staff team of as the world continues to get more complex as culture continues to get more challenging, and you navigate different issues. How do we as a ministry continue to trust the Lord and his timeless truths to be bold in faith and what he wants to do in our day and to live out our calling as an organization to rise up families who not only experience the gospel and become transform themselves but live as fearless families proclaiming the gospel to their communities around them and and that part of our mission statement. We love and is only possible through families just like you of those families are being encouraged and transformed going out and transforming other families around them. That's what Jesus invited us into and that's what we love being a part of it. Family life.

We can make this really simple for you with some of the tools and resources we've got. You can get together with other couples. Other parents and say were to go through a study on parenting called the art of parenting. Would you like to go through that with us for word and go through marriage study called vertical marriage. It's a video series invite people in your home, fire up the video watch together and begin to have some interaction around important marriage and family subjects that can lead to a conversation about spiritual matters go to our website. Family life to data, there's information about many of the resources we have available and then plan together to step past the fear and start engaging with your neighbors. What would that we can wrap this up for this week. Thanks for being with us.

Hope you and your family are able to worship together in your local church this weekend and hope you can join us back on Monday morning to talk about how we can have winsome conversations with family members, coworkers, people at church about hard even controversial subjects is that possible in our day to mule-Rick Langer think it is small talk with them on Monday. I hope you can be with us for that behalf of our hosts David and Wilson.

I'm Bob Lapine. Have a great week and will see you Monday for another edition of family life today family like to use a production of family life accrued ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most