The Next Right Thing

I'm to give you two words and I want you to respond to a race that already had K single mom first thought is committed loving best mom in the world. My mom welcome to family life today where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most and Wilson and I'm Dave Wilson and you can find us@familylifetoday.com or on our family life. This is family life today. I did not realize I was being raised by single mom to as a teenager and I didn't hit me. I miss my dad. I miss that part of my life, but it didn't hit me. She is doing all of this, you know, and so I hear you sing mama evidence all kinds of words and then we get to talk about that today and so we get to put some words around it but excited because I feel like a lot of times we don't address single moms enough.

I think that they feel the lost and forgotten. And I know with your mom, how she did it like it's remarkable but were excited today because we are going to talk about this and I would even say as we start. If you know single mom writer note for center gift right now me, I know my mom felt alone a lot. Okay enough about me and Bob enough about her mom. So we get to talk about a book today, which is has a great title the 10 best decisions a single mom can make and we've got two of the most prolific authors I think I've ever ever met in my life, Pam Farrell and Peggy Sue Wells the first welcome to family life to great to be at family life. We may start listening to family my daily sailing pulled into the parking that I'm like I listen to this raising my kids. It was such on the radio in California goes even further back cell bill and I we were dating and I was deciding whether to Mary Bell center. Dennis Rainey's teaching on marriage, crew conference, so I lease credit life with given us a great marriage and a 42 years later, 40 roundtrips staff.

We were not your students that will create that you write, you know, a book.

I think a lot of us have read. I know probably what millions of red 400 500,000 something like that yeah you people enter. Men are like waffles women are like spaghetti and then red hot monogamy to find one you have written over 50 books great incredible is crazy.

We've written to we think were like die just to get to the hardest and most exciting now LaSalle accomplish that great parallel Peggy Sue sit here in the year like no lightweight 30 books really so how did you two get together and decide let's read a book together. Okay. Peggy Sue tells it really I was working as producer for radio station up in Fort Wayne, Debbie BCM and Hoosiers.

But what exactly Hoosiers well you go to college their files, they greatly integrate both the Harvard of the South.

As I was there I was sorry familiar with Pam Farrell and Bill Farrell with their books and read them you now as I was married and as I was raise my kids and whatnot and is presented by different authors, and she's releasing books pretty regularly and so they would come across my desk and she was always a great interview and it was a couple of times I would even have okay with that. The empty place because somebody had that you couldn't come at the last minute call Pam all yeah I'm just ready all the time.

Every interview was great. Our listeners loved her she would do a live Q&A afterward and she wrote this book about parenting and it had all these great tips about parenting and I like a pilot is that's I'm hanging onto the lady does my hair just like everybody needs it and then you did. What about singles you now and so that I like the way you know that parenting that singles and I happen to be a single mom and I thought writing about it and is really vulnerable that an item to be known as that person and then somebody said hello and I so will like 20 years I've been a single mom and and they said we have a lot of experience, so can you share that I can do that and I didn't want to do by myself and so I went to Pam immediately for a couple reasons and she was perfect for one is she super wise. She knows about parenting. She has a relationship with the Lord that it's all about, was raised by single mom) is marriage fractured cell highways raise the end of my growing up years by my awesome single mom, hero deftly watched my siblings being raised most of their childhood by my single mom who I adore often and it was funny. Like when I would be on the radio for 10 best decisions a parent can make. We would have the sidebar conversations for like 30 minutes just about single moms and like the need to care for him and what churches could do because my husband was a pastor as a director women's ministry so our hearts were bonded. Probably a decade before the opportunity came up to write 10 best decisions a single mom can make a really interesting question. At one point, she is like money right with another single mom and I said because you came from that and what Pam shows is that this is an experience. It's not your identity because you either are a single mama because you're raised by single mom. That is just an experience that feeds into who you are into the tapestry of your life that it's not an identity is not a stamp like oh you never can anchor the something now her and Bill are traveling the world helping people have really strong marriages and so on my gear the one I want so I can like letter Gowen Barden and the information that she put into this book is so powerful for the two of us writing together because just as great experience that I did people pick up this book and they say there's such good parenting stuff and just a single a lot of people come back delete love it just for the parenting advice is what we did is we took from both of us because our kids are grown now.

Everything that works were we brought in some sidebar scissors other people that have been a walk that we took everything that was the best information we can give you for that single mom and her family be successful and vastly part and will Peggy Sue walk us through your past because you had seven kids to seven yes about that, like in becoming a single mom had to be an experience that was not easy. It wasn't what I wanted unite have that script in your head that my life and my parents split up when I was young and so I really thought him to do this different than to do a predominate fix whatever problems in this right now and then 20 years into it.

The youngest is not here to see-year-old and their dad chose out and you know we make choices we choose whether we stay or Gowen so that it was like okay and one evening I was you know started that journey as a single mom and if I could go back and do it over again because I made so many like slow changes that should've been done much faster but the same humiliation was kind of the hardest part to deal with and I kind of wanted to introduce you to the single mom today if that's all right. I'd like to tell you who she is and here's the single mom's today.

This is who we wrote for one in four homes is single mom led 50% of kids are expected to live in a single-parent home before age 18. Three quarters of single moms have full-time careers less than half receive government assistance and most of those only do until they can support their family on their own under half of them get any sort of child support. Those that do get about 6000 a year. 40% of single moms are over 40, 85% of them don't go to church their unchurched because they feel judged. And they feel not welcome at the church. Most feel alone and isolated and judged that they're not alone because single moms. There are 15 million solo moms raising 22 million kids and she wishes that the cleaning fairy which you know stuff and sparkling something delicious simmering in the Aven and that's I wanted to write this but to to say with some ideas and some tips so that we can help so that in all of the devastation is going on that we still can raise some really solid kids and some consider to be able to go out there and make some really good decisions and some moms want to come alongside them and help them make those decisions. The majority of the moms are single moms. It's because of a separation or divorce. And so they can start out to raise a child by themselves and so there's been a be like this kind of this crisis.

This, that hits there is a betrayal that is like it's not good news when you wind up you know with this relationship splitting and so when is that break their we enter into a trauma situation and so the front part of our brain, which is the thinking part of our brain. God designed it that we go off-line and it goes back to the part that's the fight, flight, or freeze. Most of these moms.

We stay there and so we look at single moms around us are likely thinking when people look at me. I look at myself in there like what am I thinking as you watch kids in that setting like a thinking there not thinking because were in this trauma situation. So were not able to think and make the decisions we most need tales of religious arriving women are just getting through. We are reacting not responding though.

And then because of the setting for some people that that splitter that shift into being a single mom will be to have a couple of years and then we can get into the groove and we move along with other people. It seems like the trauma and upset, and that in adjusted the crisis goes on and on and on with every phone call at every visit with you have to get a new job, we have to like relocate. Do we have to do visitations you have to the court. Do we have does all these things at home and so, with each one of them that comes thinking part of your brain is not able to come online you're still back here in the fight, flight, or freeze.

And that's with the moms and these kids are living and so that's I went. Pam and I put the book together like we get this. We know this is where you are working to help you take the next right decision. Do the next right thing and tell finally that thinking part comes back online and then you see those moms that you remember. You know, watching your mom sort experience Susan because when I hear that I'm like oh yeah that's what my mom went through yeah I didn't have words for them. But now, as you said Michael I was the kid watching this scene I'm tearing up even right as I think about the trauma. My mom went through. If you have heard any of my story to hate them so that books are 50, but now I'm the first born daughter, alcoholic dad, severe rage issues.

I was that their family would make the headlines, but not for good reason. Like man shoots family that shoots himself time that domestic violence in the home that I grew up in, but my mom she would put her like superwoman keep on it and try to stand between us and the violence that's where she lived, is, and that state of trauma now. The upside is my dad's job kept him traveling five days a week so is only two days a week on the weekends. That was like crazy chaos survival mode for the most part, and we survived for 17 years of marriage I was a freshman in college to my parents marriage like finally Freda parts and she was living in a beautiful gated community.

Very wealthy. My dad is very successful at work. Despite the fact that he was living out of the bottle and drinking all the time but he was so brilliant at what he did. He was able to function and until he got home at night and then the violence would appear, and so I got the phone call from my sister begging me to come home because she had left in the morning for school and when she came home my mom was still in her pajamas To know something about my mom.

My mom is a type a driver get it done. Serve the community PTA president. She was like all of like looking at your mom right now. Some of the best traits from my mom her who my mom is normally but my mom was still in her pajamas at the end of the day and she was sitting in the shower cleaning the grout with a toothbrush and she had been there all day.

My sisters like something's wrong with mom.

I think that her heart and her mind have broken. I think the trauma of all this you know and she told me what it happened the last weekend they had all barricaded themselves in again like we always did in one room puts the dresser in front of the door. You know said I could get in with a baseball bat. All that stuff so they had spent the weekend trying to survive and it finally caught my mom and I said I'll be right there. Pam, let me ask you at any point where you kid saying mom you need to get out. You need to get safe. In fact, from public a decade. We were saying it's okay yeah you need to leave. It's okay she just had this core value of wanting the marriage to work and wait for you kids. She did, she knew that even if it is chaotic that there was always this hope that dad would go to AA dad would go to church with us because the four of us went to church. My mom and the three siblings. We all went to church and it was because my mom's best friend. Kathy saw the cast that we are living in has about six, seven years old and she invited us to come to church and they're letting people like you all the Wilson and I saw what love looks like. And, as a little girl I said I want to know the author of love Jesus and so I needed a decision for Christ when I was little and I began reading the Bible and God fortified my life. You gave me hope and joy in the midst of chaos and my mom came to Christ. Right after that within that same year through being the craft lady at vacation Bible and hearing that Jesus story Sue tiles. I was just for a second because I'm thinking of all of us who are scared invite our neighbors to church or to share the gospel or like all will they be offended that what brought you guys life exactly on this planet and in eternity like change the course family tree. I was able to go back to that little painter to that little teeny tiny tablets and hundred people and related most of them this lilting white carriage. I brought part time I'd written like 20 bucks and sitewide 20 bucks and I handed them to the church library and told the story of me coming to church and that church is my sanctuary as a little girl.

So every time the doors were open me or my siblings or my mom and I all of us would be there in the safe place and Kathy, my mom's best friend was sitting next to my mom with a Kleenex box between them and they just saw through my whole story about how God can make anyone a woman of influence anyone a difference maker. If we just are willing to give our heart to him in the middle of the model and the chaos and the mass guide can take you from the pit to the pulpit. He can make something magnificent out of the mess. Well, so keep going. So you you give your life to Christ. This is beginning to transform your life, your mom's life right but she's in the bathroom take us back to her out so she is sitting there and I come home from college on my roommate was even afraid to leave me there because she was so worried about what my dad might do that. We were so used to crazy that it felt normal to us and I'm assured her it would be okay because they're all all of us are here together and damn my mom had called one of her friends.

That is a lovely Christian lady but also in Al-Anon and my mom and my sister they they went to the doctor and this godly doctor said to my mom all right. You have a few choices here you can stay and eventually your husband may kill you. You can stay and you'll fracture and you might kill him. You can stay and maybe when your kids will get killed and you will be able to live with that. Your husband would be able to live with it or you can leave and get help with the hope that that will wake your husband up enough that he might reach out and get help to and so why, why, you know he probably seen it so many times and when mom laid out all those things in front of us.

We said that's what we've been trying to say mom so she came in okay yes it we had very good relations that we are all teens know anywhere from 14 to 19. At that point.

How many of you were there. It was the best that I'm the oldest of the three and my grandfather had said to her when he when she married he wasn't very excited about my dad and so he had said if you make your bed you like that. Years later he was so grieved that he had said that to his daughter that he said come home often bring the kids and come home and so that's what we did. We lived a quarter-mile away from my very healthy happily married grandparents who had modeled wonderful love over all those years. They ended up being happily married more than 60 years. In fact, I asked grandma and grandpa is your 60th anniversary and Bill and I likely traveled the world telling people how to stand up for what your secret grandma.

She looked at me and then she looked at grandpa and she slapped a girl pure grits and determined she had something very right.

Yeah.

So we went back home and going back home to Idaho to familiar spaces, places, people that knew my mom since she was born. My mom has lived in that city that so long that there the road she lives on is named after our family and how far it goes back since we immigrated from New Zealand so she went back to a safe place and that a lot of we encourage women if your life is in a hard spot go back to the places and the people in the Bible verses that you know that you know that you know that you last heard the word of God because those are the safe places and so we my grandparents then stepped in. My grandfather stepped in it be a great role model of what it dad looks like a healthy dad to help finish raising my siblings and that's the year I also met Bill and we fell in love sell the first time my parents liked up there was at my wedding while I was stories very much stays. It's crazy how your story is so similar to mine. I will get into the details, but the same thing my mom went to her parents From New Jersey to Ohio. I didn't know why. Now I obviously know why you were seven, I was seven, little brother.

Five he died that year leukemia so you thought about trauma and three older siblings or in college. Your sister was in high so it's just like teaching is actually my mom go from like very wealthy and he was his file wide mobile home on your parents property we were all happy to be there. Believe me, so I mean listen your story is very common. What your experience animate as hard as it is in place as you go through it as the mom and I were both the children.

But how do you dig out of the trauma out as a single parent get their feedback on a note there is a different timeline from everybody and I wash my mom but what would you say things is to get a circle around you. That is trustworthy and is strong and that is a hard thing to do because when my children, I found ourselves by ourselves. The first thing that my kids said to me was, can we not tell anyone else.

So they felt that shame as well. Totally shamed and my dad left when I was a kid and that thing that I internalize know we think we take facts and we tell ourselves the story. The story I told myself about that was that I wasn't valuable enough for him to make the effort to stay together to be a family to stay and be my dad and raised me so I already had that I'm not valuable I to that same story and then applied it when my husband left like oh I'm not valuable enough for him to want to hang out and make this thing work either.

And so I think that's part of it played in my children because I like we are in Baker is mean, you know, things look pretty okay from the outside, but were embarrassed that we are this family that you know is what weight society calls a broken home and quite honest the church has known what to do with single mom, families, and they've not felt really welcome there.

And there's always kind of been this little rule like don't encourage divorce will you talk to any single mom out there.

We yeah this is not what anybody wants. We want to get married live happily ever after. And so there was a an embarrassment and humiliation and so it was six months before my children one at a time, found somebody in their circle that they felt comfortable enough to say because it also helps you know he get his stuff together and come back.

Maybe Ludvig would have to now you know so that humiliation thing that same thing was pretty big and in our circle were you going to church at the time was okay completely wasn't so you found your circle of people there now.

In fact, that was one of the places that we felt, probably, we didn't want them to know it wasn't received really well and so I had one close friend in town and then I had a best friend out in California so and across the nation.

So those are my two supports. They knew and I could call them and talk to them and they would help walk me through some things and like I said, I let my kids wanted to time choose someone chose a teacher you know I had kids that you know from college on down and they would choose somebody like that kind of a mentor in their life that they told, but going back if I could go back and do things again.

I would say if the church that I was M and know that you are in isn't a place where you feel like you can be vulnerable and be open and get that support. I would say then please look around in your community and find that somewhere because that just might not be the chosen place for you to be right now. But there is a good church somewhere who's going to understand you and who is going to embrace you and who will be that place like what Pam had when she was young work. This is what healthy family looks like and this is what healthy relationships look like in Louisiana we all need a Savior. Nobody's life is perfect not perfectly clear that I do remember maybe a decade ago or so I've been pastoring for 30 years started the church, so founder was another couple and Dave and I had been doing a lot of marriage series and so often we would have singles come up to us and say we feel so left out were never addressed.

Remember, I felt led to on the stage so to the congregation.

I apologize. I have let you down if you felt like this church is a church were single parents, blended families divorce whatever going use the word broken. You know right but I have and I just I felt like I knew start the sermon, which was a day on blended families and say I'm sorry if you've ever felt that in this community. It's all me Sonos were in a world of change that I couldn't boldly leave the line of people that basically said thank you for apologize and yes we have felt, and I know I felt it growing up in a single-parent home at the church and I would lay in bed at night and go why me, you know why sweaters and it was the same narrative I had my head to do let me know if you were slated to do and I know many single prayers, listener and outfield it right. You are loved.

I just want to say you are loved. I hope somebody sees you. We see our mission family life is to see every home become a godly home. We recognize that every home has its challenges. Every home is broken in some way and no matter your circumstances no matter what you're going through family life exists to help point you toward healing and hope your marriage and for your family and will so the been talking today with Pam Farrell and Peggy Sue Wells about single parenting and the challenges that come with single parenting and I'm wondering if during this conversation. Perhaps God has brought to mind for you someone you know who's a single parent who you could reach out to them say I see you.

I understand what you're going through. I will be here to help you maybe give them a copy of the book that Pam and Peggy Sue Britton called the 10 best decisions a single mom can make a biblical God for navigating family life on your own. We'd like to give you a copy of this book so you can pass it on to someone else were making the book available this week to any family, like to a listener who would reach out to help support the ministry of family life.

Help us reach more people more often with practical biblical help and hope for their marriages and their families make a donation today, you can request a copy of the book, the 10 best decisions a single mom can make will send it to you as our thank you gift for your support. Donate unwanted family life to.com or you can call to donate at one 803 586-329-1800 F as in family L as in life, and the word today. Now I will remind you we have just a couple of days left for you to be signed up to maybe be our guest on the love like you mean it marriage cruise in February 2022. We are excited that the cruise is happening again next February.

We have a limited number of cabins still available were giving one of those cabins to a family like to the list. Or here's what you have to do to be eligible to be entered in the drawing for the cabin go to family life to the.com and download the love you better Kip this is a project, our team has put together a 30 day journey to help all of us do a better job of loving one another in marriage. It's a free download. There's no purchase necessary. Void where prohibited all about legal stops on the website you'll find that there but when you download the love you better Kip, you are automatically entered in the drawing for the love like you mean it marriage cruise all the details are available on our website@familylifetothe.com soak there and check it out and I hope you'll join us again tomorrow when we really hear from Peggy Sue Wells and Pam Farrell about how important it is for single moms to have the right mindset as they approach this very challenging task of raising kids on your own. That's what's on tap tomorrow. Hope you could be with us for the on behalf of our hosts Dave and Mama Wilson on Bob Lapine will see you again tomorrow for another edition of family life today. Family life to the user. Production of family life accrued ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most