De-Cluttering Our Homes

I do know that one of the best days of the pandemic were for me had no idea. I walked to my closet and I said, today's the day I'm cleared out all the stuff I don't need because I was wearing the same sweatpants every day anyway and so happy you did that family like today where we might help you pursue relationships that matter most and Wilson and Dave Wilson and you can find this@familylifetoday.com or on our family life, family life today.

You remember I came downstairs with bags of clothes and then the argument was do we give the Salvation Army early to Rome in the trash. But it was just such a free moment like I have time to do this and I'm going to do this and I like it when you do it because you have a tendency to hold onto things I'm not a hoarder because of memories. Now, you're not 1/4 but you like to collect things. And today we got Ron deal from family life blended with this Ron. Welcome to family life to think it's always good to be with you because you're always one of our favorites. Your hero wise and when you love that you lead the family life blended podcast and I think we have so many people that have benefited from listening to you wisdom over the years.

Thank you I appreciate that you talk to somebody on this episode, that's a de-clutter limited to Kathy Lipp is a riot.

She is a speaker and author 17 books while she writes prolifically about decluttering your life dealing with life. So Ron I'm thinking you're talking to.

Blended families are helping us why this book yet well because it's also a metaphor is we don't just de-clutter our physical space we de-clutter our heart we try to de-clutter. Spiritually what's going on with us and get that stuff out of the way so we can function well in and live beautifully.

I went into this conversation thinking that is nothing here for me.

I was wrong. She had so much to say that I needed to hear everything from where I put my books from graduate school that my wife hello around Kathy lip is an expert in helping people de-clutter their life. So as you listen be thinking about your own life in your own physical spaces and how you steward that well and then were going to enter into that spiritual realm and apply the same principles to the rest of our lives.

Kathy, in your book the clutter free home. You say that your home should be beautiful, because you live in it, not because someone else might see it that is so practical and direct and helpful, but let's unpack that format. What's behind that well. I think that for many of us and I know I live this way for years and years is that my house got really cute when I knew somebody was coming and I wanted people to feel comfortable in my home but I realize I wasn't making myself or my family necessarily a priority in our own homes. It was always about you know if something else is coming and let's just talk about when the in-laws were coming.

That's when the stash in – we went from, we went from a clutter castle to home beautiful in an hour and 1/2.

The problem was you had to live with the aftermath of the burden to put on your family. Whether burden to put on yourself and it kinda sends a message to the family to like you're not worth cleanliness search out of something like that right has a certain amount of chaos in their house and if you get out your blended family. Can we just all get an extra little path when you blend two different family styles and trying to blend all these people who are not necessarily always having a Kumbaya moment, let's just say you when you pull in a blended family that's been the cause even more chaos by I also know that the more intentional we are about not having a perfect house but having house that functions and serves the people who were living there.

It makes all the difference in in setting the tone for the family and how they operate. I like that part that you just said serves the people living there.

How are we serving them by decluttering. I was just speaking of the big conference a week ago and when I asked people what is the heart reason behind decluttering. I spoke several different sessions and at each session. One woman said I have a child who struggles with either they are on the spectrum, or they have some kind of emotional need or physical challenge and by decluttering the home they are able to make life just a little less chaotic. Just a little bit more purposeful for that child who just needs a little bit more order in their life.

The thing is discount what we as parents need only come home at the end of a long day or we've been in our homes for a long day to be to put our eyes on some piece or some you a clear spot. It makes all the difference in the world.

Okay. So with all those great reasons why decluttering is helpful. Let's back up a step. Okay, why do we clutter ourselves with that about okay so I have finally figured out exactly what clutter is clutter is just decisions. We are so tired at the end of the day, especially about making one more decision. Let's think about all the decisions we have to make during the day and if you're a blended family you are doubling those decisions and not all the people you're making decisions for our rising up and calling you blessed all the time and so I'm sorry. Are you suggesting they might rise up and call you something else.

I can imagine the life and called you, you can just maybe positive but are any of the other families listening but in my so it's decisions like you may learn tired you're exhausted. Whatever it is you have to make a decision about this thing and you get stuck. I know in your book you pointed out you said fear, guilt and shame are how does that get in the way of decisions. Okay, so fear.

Fear is the idea of what if I need it someday. I'm getting keep it just in case.

And so we have a house that still with things for a potential life that were not living.

I probably hung onto my scrapbooking stuff for 10 years longer than I needed to when I made the decision. I'm not looking anymore. That's just not my family is so fear is just in case.

Or what if I need it someday paralysis of I can't spend money on it again will keep us spending thousands of dollars in storage units and storage boxes to store things that we don't even care about. So that's fear, guilt is so and so gave it to me so because my kid made something for me in third grade, I got a keeper for the rest of my life to prove my love and we just bring you do know that kids get to grow up when their 35 and they're going to ask you if you have that thing they made all of our kids will I did that them wait. I never did that to my our adult kids don't want stuff right when you carefully curated their lives into little folders and you kept the handprint and you kept the aid that they got on the test they really study for and when they moved to the house. They say I have all your things in there like yeah I don't want that your thinking somebody has to take it. So you keep it if they don't care enough about it to take it. Why do you care more than they do about their own lives only so there's fear there's guilt and then there shame. I spent so much money on it and so we think that I don't know. By keeping that pair of shoes that is killing our fee every time we wear them so we warned them exactly once we think by keeping them somehow were earning back the value, whereas I would much rather see those be donated to somebody who doesn't feel like they're being tortured every time they wear their shoes can actually enjoy them. Okay, so let me ask another question to part or have you always been a clutter free person and if not, how did you start making the decisions you needed to make in order to become a clutter free person. So my dad was really and truly a hoarder.

He was controlled by my mom but his mom was very creative and kept everything and he never learned how to make those decisions and I'll never say I was as bad as my dad but when I started my own family. A lot of those fear things that he had were passed down to me and because I never thought of another way to live. I am braced that I had this poverty mentality. If I buy this once. I never have to buy it again so I get a keeper for the rest of my life. The problem was I couldn't find that thing when I needed it and so there may have been seven can openers in my house. At one time, there may have been six hole punches in my house.

At one time and the more stuff you bring in.

It lowers the chances of you ever being able to find it and actually use it so it really started to change things for me was actually when we became a blended family. We could go one way or another we could either just give up all control and live in chaos.

Or we could start to make decisions and we are putting two stepbrothers in the same room decisions had to be made. We are putting two stepsisters in the same room. My husband and I were combining lives and so I would love to say it all rained down on me. I got a revelation. Everything was great. From there, but really it was a process of years of saying I'm to ask myself why am I holding onto this when there's not a rational reason to do it and when I could figure out.

I'm afraid that we are not to have money again and I can never buy this item again or I am afraid that my mom to come and see that I didn't put out this knickknack that she gave me or we spent money on this when we are struggling to save money I have to keep her for the rest of my life when I could start to identify them. I could start to see my own faulty thinking, and not only help myself make decisions but help my kids and my husband make decisions.

We are listening to family life today and I got to get these get a little too close to home or at their English, thinking I've never put together associating fear, guilt and shame to the objects in my home and my saving them, but he speaking and thinking yes exactly what I'm holding onto those updating and we need to de-clutter.

This stuff will really get to your dad. Yeah so what were you thinking when you hear this well lives again.

I'm thinking about my own possessions and how I manage things in my life and whether I prioritize them or not and whether I need to. It seems to me the bigger reflection here is how we think about our positions and how much faith we put in our positions you know Jesus said in Luke chapter 12 verse 15 take care and be on guard against covetousness for one's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions. We need to understand the motive behind our possessions and sometimes it motive is for your guilt and what other I'm going to think of us, and sometimes it's about no I just really want that because it somehow makes my life better and now that's my idol or becomes my security. Yes, some title right so we got reflect on this. We got asked these questions and wonder what we do with our position, so we steward them. They don't steward us so boom your tell me I shouldn't hang five guitar wall we need to go back to Kathy Shelton okay so arrive back around to decisions just for a minute. Let's dial down one of the things you say in the in the clutter free home is you need to ask yourself three questions about your stuff.

Do you love it. Do you use it.

Would you buy it again. It does that help you make a decision about whether you get rid of something it really really dies because here's what I think most of us do we go through me start to the clutter. But what we don't do is actually de-clutter. We just move clutter we buy a storage box and we put it in there and what it is. It's just a delayed decision.

All storage is for the most part is delayed decisions.

So if I'm able to go in there and say to I love it love it. I get to keep it.

But here's the thing if it's in a box in your garage. I question your love.

I don't think you probably love it as my baby has some sentimental attachment great. Take a picture of it and upload that to your computer so you can look at but if you don't love it if you don't have it out in your house every single day, then it's probably not worth keeping. When my brother and I were little, my parents had got a coffee grinder for a wedding gift that my parents didn't drink coffee so my brother and I would sneak it off the shelf and we would grind up dry dog, which was fine until my parents had company because they got to sit down to some Alpo flavored coffee so that is not made it into Starbucks yet not future flavor, but I love that coffee grinder because it reminds me of the best part of my brother were we get we were kids we love to have fun. I love that coffee grinder there other things I have in my house that I use that I don't love you know I think about technology and stuff like that. I don't necessarily love my microphone my head but I use them when I buy it again so I think about emergency preparedness supplies flashlights do. I love it. Now do I use it. Not really, but I would buy it again if it wasn't there because I need to be prepared and so those are the questions I asked a consort a lot and if you ask yourself, do I love it. Do I use it with.

I buy it again and you're not answering yes but you still can't get rid of it. There a couple of thoughts.

One, it may be the fear, guilt or shame that you're really dealing with. So you have to go down a different level or you may just be stuck and need some help. You may need to have a good friend come over somebody who is not judgmental. If you're in the blended family. I would necessarily have steps involved in this because it could bring up stuff that you don't really need to bring up with them but have somebody come out lovingly along and help you out zero really good suggestions going to do something dangerous here and ask you a question. I think my wife would ask you if she was talking to you about me. I think she would say. Does my husband Ron really need to keep all his books from graduate school okay I don't know the answer is no, and that's not necessarily true. Okay, so my best solution for do you really need to keep that and here's the thing, I lost my best example because my husband when he was leading a youth group played guitar. We've been married for 15 years I never seen that thing come out and then one day somebody asked whose guitars that I said that's Rogers and they said, can he play something and I rolled my eyes and there he go he's pulling up John Denver and Mike are okay fine I here's what I would say is that what your wife's thing man named Dan okay so I like Dan gets a space in your house where you don't get to comment on any of the crazy that's fair.

Yes, so you also get a space. But here's the thing. It's not unlimited space. It's a guerrilla rack in the garage or it's a couple of shelves in the closet that you get to decide on. So if you keep all your books from graduate school, go crazy, but if it's more than that. Space then used need to start making decisions. If you have graduate school books and you have golf clubs that you've never used and you have at home. Archery set that is never seen the light of day and all these things that you're like, but maybe some know it has to be contained to the agreed on space that's good but you're not allowed to comment on man's craziness. We all get a little bit of crazy were we don't have to justify I love that we give you the grace with the crazy we will get a little bit of that. Okay so here's what I want to do now with now were going to continue to talk about clutter free homes but were also going to draw some parallels to clutter free blended families alright so yeah here's what I want to do well was stretch a little bit really just pull out some of the principles from your book. The clutter free home and I want us to just wonder out loud together.

How might that apply in terms of the relationships going on with the blended family. So one of the parental you have in your book 10 principles for a clutter free home don't have time to go through all of them, but let me just hit a couple of the first was make clutter management a daily habit, rights talk about that one for second okay so as it applies to clutter. Clutter is not one in.you don't spend the weekend decluttering and then you don't have to do it again for a year. Clutter is a daily habit. And so, in the book. I really suggest Monday through Saturday. Each day you take one of six areas and you just do 15 minutes of decluttering it every day and at first it doesn't look like it's making a difference over time.

You can start to see where that daily habit is making a huge difference in your help. I can see how that would apply. You make a choice minute to minute in the kitchen with this thing right here right now. Yes I make a decision and if I donated I don't love them. I go to use it better but I'm just going to toss it right and so every day you were working on it becomes a part of your day you start to feel freedom and that okay so I can hear the metaphor already for a blended family and relationships yes you work on it every day you don't just go on one family vacation and you've got it fixed everything going on in life know you know I one of the things that this really brings out for me is we decided to do a big huge family vacation for my husband's 50th birthday and we told the kids were not just shelling out money for you guys to come.

This is something that we are going to all work towards and save towards together, but we had regular meetings of about this vacation which sounds so over-the-top, but some of things we talked about were saving money for this vacation. We talked about it every day and they would tell me I'm packing my lunch, so that I can put more money towards our Disney World vacation but the thing we said is you to be responsible for whether you have a good time or not. You know you guys and young adults at this point, your teenagers and young adults and you can decide whether it's good to be a good day at Disney or you're going to annoy everybody around you, and you need to take a day off, but we have these conversations fairly daily, but several times a week and can I just tell you it's the best family vacation we've ever been on, because people were invested, and they've been invested over a long time daily and weekly to make this a great time together. I think that is wonderful. What a great idea conversation but helping to put them in charge, empowering them to be part of the solution. You don't just have to sit back and of course that has to be age-appropriate for children development like considerations. There, but the older they are the more of a voice. They need teenagers in particular young adults.

They need to be able to have some say in influence over what happens right yes and this is why we had XL spreadsheets for our very fun trip to Disney they want to go to certain places at certain times and so we got everybody's input in advance. You can have those conversations, the more leeway you have, to really get to a place where everybody's happy Bible has a lot to say about how we deal with stuff am and where we think meaning and value is that's been the focus of the conversation we listen to today as David and Wilson together with Ron deal have been interacting with The lip. Kathy has written a helpful book on the subject called the clutter free home making room for your life. We got copies of Kathy's book available. Our family life to the resource Center you can order it from us online@familylifetoa.com family life to day.com or you can call one 800 FL today to get a copy of the website again for… Book the clutter free home. His family life to the.com or call to request or copy the number is 1-800-358-6329 that's one 800 F as in family L as in life, and then the word today you I think for a lot of us over the last year we've we've seen some of the gaps get exposed in our marriage relationship and we thought together some things that could use some adjustment, some tweaking but we think is is that really possible. Is that something we can actually do it here in family life. We have put together a resource that is designed to help you love each other better. It's it's the love you better plan 30 days to love your spouse better. It's simple to use.

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No purchase necessary. Find out more. Again, go to family life to.com and start using the love you better. 30 day plan in your marriage and see if there is not some improvement made along the way. Now, tomorrow working to spend some time thinking about how getting rid of things that have sentimental value can be sometimes traumatic, especially in a child's life in a blended family. Kathy lip is with us again to talk about that along with Ron deal. I hope you can tune in for that as well on behalf of our host Steven M Wilson and Bob Payne will see you back next time for another edition of family life family like today is a production of family life accrual ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most