Lessons About Men and Women

Welcome to family life today. Thanks for joining us.

Her hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson on Bob Lapine.

You can find us online@familylifetoday.com and we haven't talked about this much but back at the turn of the year you guys with your transition. Yes, we did it after 30+ years of being a pastor, founding pastor local church you stepped away handed it off to the next generation and said it's in your hands rights in the Lord's hands. But it's inures to take it from you. Yeah, I mean obviously it was a big moment for us to make that decision and the handed off. It was like throwing a pass hopefully for touchdowns in the next leadership and stepping into full time in the future with family life and the full time here pretty exciting. On we were excited because again I don't know how many of our listeners have recognized this last two years and it's been a little over two years now that you been hosting family life to the you been sharing your time between your duties at the church and what's going on family life, beginning the first of this year. Your fully engaged with what's going on here and I love family life and it was a bittersweet stepping out but also it was time would not been a big deal about this either.

But for the last 13 years I have been dividing my time between what happens here at family like this is been my full-time focus and responsibility and and my job, but in my spare time I have been helping to plan and launch and lead a local church hi Ben, like you guys committed to the ministry. Local church ever since Mary and I got married the local churches where God's work and the gates of hell will not prevail against the church and so wanting to be a part of that.

I've been in lay leadership in local churches in three different churches pretty much regularly since the mid-80s so that the church is always been dear to us and we help plant this church back in 2008.

I've been them.

The main teaching pastor at this church. Since that time, let me just say that's pretty remarkable that we've been doing family life to a been producing you've been doing an amazing job this thing' founding this church is no small feat. Well, God's grace has been all over that. As you guys know anything you do like this. Apart from the grace of God, your stumble and even with the grace of God, you'll stand up but God will cover a multitude of of those mistakes and as we share with our listeners this week.

This is a transition week for me. You guys will be in the driver seat fully engaged, you won't have to wrestle me for the steering wheel anymore from go going forward petrified at nine are going to do amazing you really are and I've I've loved watching and hearing how listeners are just connecting with you and are so grateful for the leadership and the guidance and for what you are what you brought to family life to after 26 years with Dennis and with Barbara being engaged and and you guys have just stepped in. The key is that the mission of family life hasn't changed at all. It's still the same mission. It still practical biblical help and hope for marriages and families. It still effectively developing godly marriages and families one home at a time.

All of us are replaceable parts in that mission, and now is just the time to be more actively involved in the work that our church is doing to help strengthen it and get it ready for next generation leadership anytime anybody's in Little Rock. You're welcome to come visit Redeemer Community Church or check us out online on a Sunday. If you don't everything else going on, but we're spending time this week. Looking back at I've called this 20 lessons I've learned in more than 28 years cohosting family life to the started back in 1992, so it's really been 28 years now I'm crying. This is what happens when you had a girly studio.

She really is crying like bittersweet, but it is for all of us will focus today on lessons that I've learned and and all these are things that just sitting in this chair with hundreds of guests over the years, sharing insights about marriage and family. I mean every damn one click on I was good. I need to remember that my that but some of these things just jump out and like those kind of big defining moments.

One of them. We don't have a clip to play for this because I think this was not something somebody said but really something.

I began to learn, the more we started talking about the differences between men and women which are real and when you talk about gender differences. My son likes to call them gender realities.

So there are some things that are not universally true, but they are for the most part true manner like this, mostly women are like this. Mostly that's by God's design and it's his good design right. One of the things Marianne and I learned early on in our marriage and in family life played a role in this is that those differences between us gender differences personality differences different perspectives. Those differences are necessarily wrong sometimes it's just different in early. We thought if you think differently than me you think wrong right were trying to change each other. If I thought your way was right when we go your way, but I think it's this way and I had to to recognize Marianne's perspective broadens my understanding of whatever issue were looking at and sometimes she will bring a perspective that I just never stop to think about how I will say something to her like you know we ought to do this and we all have these people over, we ought to do this kind of an event and she'll go will have you thought about this and I don't know. I hadn't thought about that.

That's great. So she's kept me from stumbling into so many ditches now Marianne is quick if she was here she would say I know you like to say that different isn't always wrong. Sometimes it's just different. She says sometimes it's wrong to say sometimes. Let's just acknowledge your way of looking at it is on the way and she's right there's a right and wrong, I'm not trying to to say this is all relative. But her perspective as a mom when it comes to our kids. She has different wisdom and insight, and intuition that I had to sedan her perspective as somebody who is more nurturing is different than my perspective, and we both learned from those differences and today we would say we are grateful for what we used to be irritated. I think if couples can come to the point and say okay you look at this differently. That's a plus, not a minus. That's not just annoying know this is something that we can benefit from. If we can learn to value the difference rather than be annoying but yet I know that for way too long. I and I mean at least a decade or more. I tried to change in I was trying to make her like me and then when you talk about selfishness. How can you not look in the mirror and see that you're not the prototype you shouldn't want anybody to be. But you know I didn't like her perspective because it was different and I thought for many years my perspectives right yours is wrong you should change, and then you know one of the things we teach at the we can remember is your spouse is not someone you compete with. They completely right that when you start to understand their uniquely designed by God differently on purpose and together you can complete one another and reflect the image of God to the world.

That's a beautiful thing and that you need each other because you lack what the other can bring. I used to feel like I shouldn't need your help more. Dave's advice or his input that I sit down to do it on my own and now I find myself thinking I want dates and play on his perspective and I think that comes through maturity and realizing we do, you bring a unique part of each other into the marriage and why I remember one of the other kind of principles related to men and women, and at this was back before Emerson Negrete had written the book love and respect which big book big principal. I don't know that I'd fully understood. I think I first got this from reading Robert Lewis's book rock in the roles before we interviewed him. But then when we had shot he felt on and she had done research on this idea that men care more about respect than they do about love.

Women care more about love than they do about respect and I'm sitting or gone. That's so true illicitly. Here's how she said. Listen to this and I was really surprised on my survey and when three out of four men said if they had to make a choice which they would want to have to make this they had to actually choose to give up feeling that their life loved them if they could just feel that she respected them and that she believed them and trusted and admired and appreciated them and all those things are more important. It turns out to the average man. Even then, feeling that his wife unsent was a huge shocker to me but it makes sense if you're dealing with a sense of to measure up to. I know what I'm doing then you're going to be so types to buy the feeling that this person respects you, and I was shocked to find out that the most fulfilling for a guy is feeling inadequate and anything that hits that I think you were inadequate for a guy that's his version of feeling unloved. So is it different, I presume it's different woman would say three or four times. I'd rather be loved and respected. Yes, it's usually flipped and actually the numbers are higher, usually on the women's side like nobody wants either of these, obviously, but if you had to most women are like what I will feel inadequate, just don't make me feel unloved like that to them is what they would give up. So I'm flashing back to the conversation and thinking I'm just nodding my head that's so, so true. You know it's really crazy is a friend of a hands heard that broadcast the family of today so she bought Chante book for women only and it was my friend and she sent it to me. Terry Casey said this is unbelievable yet. All I know is I walk in the kitchen and there is laying there and it had ready yet. You know, she said to Michelle to should read this. He heard Chante the author on family today and I look at it. This is true for women only. You understanding the lives the inner lives of your men you go.

I read my Kindle antennae and read it.

I like what is she know you know how it is is some that she really understands about minutes I pick it up and I didn't know Chante at the time and I see all this research and I mean I devoured that book in like a day. It's pretty short.

My honey read it now. Which is exactly who I am, which made me not want to. It is true that Dave and I are really struggling at the time this was why we were struggling day felt like I wasn't respecting him and we've told him I wasn't loving her and we told Chante many times that this topic really put us on a new path and you healthy well and Marianne bought copies of this book and give it as wedding gifts every time somebody was getting married is when you can understand that deep inside a man wants to know he is affirmed and appreciated and admired and respected. You have to love us just as Mares and for a woman. It's the opposite that she wants to be loved and know that she is cherished by that that was just the of major paradigm shift moving from that this was actually even before Chante was here. We did a series early on family life to a on romance with Dennis and Barbara Rainey. This was before. They wrote the book rekindling the Romance and so we were just exploring the romantic relationship between a husband or wife, and Barbara made an observation about women and romance that was again one of those things that stop me and went okay. I'd never thought about it that way.

Here's what she said things that are romantic to me aren't necessarily a situation or an act or a being or a gift. All of those things communicate romance. It is the relationship she has with her husband. To manhood is actually been a savior to me because of the love and acceptance and all that kind of stop and I had been attracted to him because I'm realizing what he's done for meat relationally. So it's not like he thought I want to romance my wife singled by her flowers and sell A+ Nico see this is the reactionary response.

I'm going to get. Although I think that's very romantic and I love it when he does those kinds of things because that communicate sacrifice to communicate. He cares about me's will and God's ways women spend money that we may or may not have any budget for that. Those are all things that are very meaningful because it speaks that speak to a woman that she is special she unique. She's different from the average manure.

All that sends all kinds of messages that are very positive that it may not necessarily produce the desired response.

In other words, if he's doing it to produce a response.

He is very often going to be disappointed. And that's why go back to the relationship. To me it states the relationship that is ultimately going to feel the romance. I think women don't want to feel like there that easy to figure out anyhow. He's got a patent A+ Nico status can always work that way and I think she wants to be more complex and more intriguing and more of a challenge.

Yes, and I think she would also begin to fear that she be taken advantage of me taken advantage of sexually being taken advantage of.

Anyway, just assuming on the relation right hip and therefore there's no more motivation to continue to pursue. There's no more motivation to make the relationship unique because if you got it figured out, then why my work and here's what I remember about that conversation with Dennis and Barbara, I just remember thinking it would be so nice if I mean I want to express to Mary and how special she is. I would like to have something where I know if I do this you're going to you're going to feel the value in the warmth of the appreciation and someday she doesn't. Some days the same thing doesn't work you want the formula so I did this yesterday and produce this. Why can't I get it for you guys think that would be so frustrating because he's kind of do have a formula, but is it true, it borrows saying that you don't want to be figured. You just want to be purposely limited proceeded yet and I think there's a fear of being manipulated by or all you're just doing the steps to get this. I know what this is all about you. A good was good for me when it came to guys understanding who I was as a man you referred to this many times when I first read Robert Lewis's definition of manhood and really the key ideas of a man accepts responsibility and rejects passivity that was kind of a fact I will play this will play Robert explaining this because this is so helpful to me on that.

I'll share a story of text I got from about one of my daughters recently. So here's Robert Lewis talking about what is a real man when I realize I read through the Scriptures looking for some kind of definition because they find a place in the Bible it says a man is and it gives a specific definition, but what I realized is how often the Scriptures .22 men as the summations of not only humanity but also masculinity in the first is the man, Adam, and the second is the second Adam, Jesus Christ, and in them is a summation. According to Herman Ritter boasts the theologian he said in them are the summation of two ways of life to identities to humanities and to masculinity's so I began to dig and look at the life of Adam and look at the life of Jesus Christ. And I begin to press those two lives together closer and closer, and what came out. Of that comparison were for distinguishing differences between the first Adam and the second the first component that came out was that a real man rejects passivity because the first Adam collapsed like a black hole in the passivity and abrogated his leadership in the garden in a passive way that allowed his wife to go off chasing an illusionary equality. Even with God. On the other hand, the second Adam. Jesus Christ was not only not passive. He was not passive, even in his pre-incarnate state. He looked at humanity, and when the father said look at this fallen world. He was up on his feet, saying I'll go the second distinguishing characteristic is that a real man accepts responsibility, you know, the first Adam rejected responsibility in three key areas.

He rejected the will of God, to obey the work God wanting to do and the woman God wanted him to love but you know what the second Adam did just the opposite. He accepted responsibility set I've come to do thy will of God C was always a man under authority. He was always wanting to do the will of God right.

He came to do the work of God, even when admit his own execution, and the last thing Jesus Christ did he love his woman and his woman was his bride, the church we get in the Scriptures. Husbands, love your wives, just as also Christ loved his bride, the church.

Third, a real man leads courageously.

He gives protection. He gives direction and he makes provision, Adam did make provision for Eve. He didn't give her direction when she was standing there interacting with the serpent and he certainly didn't protect her, and yet you know what a real man does, he does what Jesus Christ did he start a given direction. What was his opening words follow me. He was a man who knew words going and he said I lay down my life for the sheep. He was one who gave protection and he gave provision. He says I have come that you might have life and have it abundantly in the last thing that summarizes real masculinity.

This definition is a real man expects God's reward in life. God's greater reward. You see, one of the things that men are after is thereafter. The goal of life and they try to get that by squeezing the world in a career in pleasure and possessions.

But the real goal is the kingdom of God. Jesus Christ said it was for the joy set before me that I endured the cross, we are all looking for. The reward is just where is the reward and the reward I believe that the second Adam tells us it's in the things of God.

It's in his calling his kingdom and when we pursue that what we find is that life become sweeter and sweeter. On the other hand the conventional manhood gets more and more bitter listing back as Robert Lewis talks about his definition of manhood.

All three of my boys.

We could call them right now but if y'all for those points is a norm mine and our daughter, one of our daughters sent me a text recently and she said that I was was on the phone with a friend of mine talking about challenges in her marriage and I said she needs to reject passivity and accept responsibility. My friend said that gold clear here that where did you learn that she just laughed because it's it's been part of the environment.

She grew up as she said I heard from Bob L. She knows exactly where I heard it from because for Amanda understand my natural gravitational pull is toward passivity. That's what I wanted to fall to and I need to step out of that and I need to step into taking responsibility. Or as Dennis Rainey would say I need to step up into manhood, that in fact the last two things related to understanding manhood really come from Dennis and his work in the book stepping up. I thought there were two really amazing ideas in that book. The first thing was, he said most men. He meets today are straddling the step between boyhood and manhood. They have 1 foot in boyhood and I keep getting pulled back to want just to be a boy, which means no responsibility, just do what you want to do what you feel and manhood, which is where you accept responsibility said it's the battle it's going on every day.

Here's how he said it back. I confess to you that for the first few years of our marriage I would have to say I straddled these two steps I would have to say I was part teenager and part man.

I believe our churches and our ministries are full of young men who are just like I was. They are young men who have 1 foot on adolescence and 1 foot on manhood and they have not turned from the was the selfishness the passivity the rebellion of the teenage years to become what God called me when when I was sharing this material. A God who runs Azure auto salvage is pot buoy pod came to me and he said two times this week Dennis, I step up from being a teenager to be the man they said can you believe it, I'm 63 years old and I'm still struggling with being an adolescent and a grin. But did you hear what he had to say two times this week I step away from being a teenager from being childish from being immature and I stepped up to being a man, that imagery helped him assume responsibility and become God's man what he was doing work for most, and back to that elicited Dennis talk about stuff yeah and I have to tell you every guy can really owe you to that battle.

Dale and day out right now whether you're 16 or 63 listed in the Dennis's voices.

He saved my life with that content, you know really help me become the most amazing man and you are sending it help me become a man because I didn't know Dennis and many ways for me and I'm sure thousands of others was a father figure. Well, in and for me to part of the legacy of 28 years here doing what I been doing to his book stepping up the video series we produced God used all of that in my own life to help me understand what I'm supposed to be as a man and there's a last point we will play a clip of this but Dennis in the book. He said you get to the manhood step. He said there five steps there's childhood there boyhood. Then there's adolescence and there's manhood in most guys get the manhood and go. I'm here that's warm supposed to be ice another two steps beyond that and he gave me a vision for my life that goes beyond just stepping up and be a man. He said the next step is to be a mentor and to to spread that to other men, and then the last step is to be a patriarch. He said that's a dirty word in our culture, but a patriarch in the biblical sense is somebody who takes responsibility for the community somebody who looks and says I I am not just a man in my home, I'm a man in my community. I'm here to help shape what this culture is supposed to do and be and to step into that and say it's broader than just my wife and my kids. I don't neglect them, but to be a patriarch and you can't be a patriarch at 22, patriarch at 42. You have to come to grow into that to where people turn and look to you and say where should we go when you say I know where to go because I been in the Scriptures.

I know the Lord and I've lived enough life that I can point us in God's direction here. You are a patriarch Bob Yang in there and for 20 years on the show event a father to many, many people save led so many of us, you and Dennis. It's been a long process letter little we can save that for 28 years away. Maybe I've stepped in the sum of that and you know what, so have so many of our listeners. The letters we've gotten from people over the years. The men and women who have said these kinds of conversations have helped me recognize my own shortcomings where I need to grow what I need to aspire to how I can step up as a husband as a wife but so as a mom and dad. It's one of the reasons it's been such a privilege to be a part of what God has done through the work of family life to over the last 28 years, and I imagine some of our listeners would benefit from having these conversations were having this week. Just have them as a reference to be able to go back and remind them selves of some of these core principles we put these conversations on a flash drive that were making available to you when you make a donation to support the ongoing work of family life to the flash drive is our thank you gift to you and by the way, this is a critical week for us were hoping that many of you will make a donation.

This month we've had some friends in the ministry who have agreed to match every donation we received this month, dollar for dollar up to a total of $350,000 were not there yet to get there. We need you to go online or to call and make a donation you can go to family life to.com or you can call one 800 FL today to donate along with the flash drive is a thank you gift will send you a couple books by Aaron and Jamie IV book for husbands in the book for wives about marriage. The books are called complement and if you decide this week that you'd like to join the team of people who really provide the financial foundation for this ministry, who make it possible month in and month out our monthly legacy partners when you sign on this week is a new legacy, partner, or to do two things. First of all, each donation you make during the course of the next year will be matched dollar for dollar as long as there are funds in the matching gift on your donations get doubled and will send you a certificate so you and your spouse can attend an upcoming weekend to remember marriage get away and the certificate is transferable. If you want to give it as a gift to someone you can do that. That's for new monthly legacy partners when you join us and agree to make a monthly donation will send you that gift card for the weekend to remember marriage get away along with the flash drive in the books from the eyepiece so there's a lot there you can find out more when you go to family life to.com or call one 800 FL today, but I hope many of you listening today will make an investment in the ongoing ministry of family life to what God has planned for the future.

I hope you go to family life to.com and be as generous as you can be, not tomorrow morning look back at some of the most significant things I learned in 26 years cohosting this program with Dennis Rainey left a tremendous mark on my life. So tomorrow lessons from Dennis.

That's what we'll focus in on hope you can tune in for that thinker engineer today.

Keith Lynch got some extra help this week from Bruce Goff and our entire broadcast production team on behalf of our hosts Dave and Ann Wilson on Bob Lapine see you back next time for another edition of family life, family life, to a is a production of family life of Little Rock, Arkansas. Accrue ministry help for today hope for tomorrow