Parenting Doesn’t Work, It Woos

It's easy for us to think that when our workday is over. Our work is over, but William Smith says our new job is just beginning when we get home from work. You have to put your primary shepherding care into your family. That's the foundation from which you shepherd the rest.

And why do I know this because I did it backwards. I was much better to an early ministry than I was, to my wife at the time and had to realize while I'm a peacemaker by day and a war maker by night. That makes me a hypocrite, and that means something has to change. This is family life today. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson on Bob Lapine can find us online@familylifetoday.com in the long run. It's the work we do at home with our spouse and with our kids that got a matter most to us in life talk more about that today with William Smith stay with us and welcome to family life to.

Thanks for joining us. I've been thinking today about something I heard Dennis Rainey say over and over again to be good. It is not a lot because this was one of those things.

I have a lot going to as a parent and I'll share that with our listeners. You're just a minute but it David Robbins, the new president of family life, who took over for Dennis a couple years ago is here with us to talk about the fact that the end of the year is coming, that's pretty important for us here at family life. I think a lot of people are cheering the fact that this year is almost over 2020 has no doubt been pretty unpredictable but there's been one thing at family life that's not been unpredictable and that is your faithful partnership. The kids ministry going at this time when families needed the most. In the year ahead. It's going to be more important than ever that we are reminding the world of what God has to say about marriages and families is an acute need in the season to impact and develop godly homes and to do this we need your help.

Would you stand with us in giving families help and hope that anchored in biblical truth. This is an especially good time of year to donate because we've had some friends of the ministry come alongside us and offer to double every donation we receive. They're going to match it dollar for dollar up to $2 million for us to take full advantage of that matching gift we need every listener who is benefited from this program over the course of this year to be as generous as you possibly can because we won't family life to a continuing to be aired on this station.

We invite you and really I challenge you, would you help us go into this new year in a powerful way to keep ministering the families on the station down. It's easy to make a urine contribution.

You can go online at family left@a.com to donate or you can call one 800 FL today. Not only will your donation be doubled matched dollar for dollar but were to send you a couple of thank you gifts as well. Copy of my book. Love, like you mean it all about. First Corinthians 13 and how that applies in a marriage relationship and a flash drive that has more than 100 of the best family life to a programs from the last 28 years really the best of the best so those two resources are our gift to you. When you make a urine contribution and that we hope to hear from you again donate online@familylifetoday.com or call one 800 FL today to make a donation now that the thing I was telling you about the Dennis Rainey shared with me so many times he would often say that a relationship with your children is like a bridge over which you can deliver a truckload of truth not heard him say that, but he said when the bridge goes out. There is no truth get in the cross that fell so I you want to interact with. If you want to be able to share truth with your kids. You gotta make sure the relationship is solid and stable and can bear the weight of the truth you're gonna take care and I did a sort of a teenage parenting seminar a few years ago at our church in how parents of teens yeah okay and teenage parents on thick parents of teenagers is clarified by the way sold out right.

They all want help for all. I go my goodness that had been times.

Not that we know anything about a better kids are no longer teens that we can look back and say here's what you should do but I think the thing we started with is the key to parenting teens is relationship relationship relationship with that's gone like Dennis said the bridge is gone and you can't transfer truth and here's the thing easy to blow up the brakes because life and death are at the time griped Bill Smith is joining us on family life that a bill welcome skyscraping bill is a pastor from South Jersey from the Philadelphia area. He is a counselor and has written a book that I think can help a lot of moms and dads know how to keep the bridge up. It's a book called parenting with words of grace and this is a part of the thesis of your book is that the infect the subtitle of the book is building relationships with your children, one conversation at a time. You've seen both as a parent and as a counselor, how important this relational stability is for all we do right. I have and relationship is the thing that everybody craves. I think they want to build friendships with their kids, but I think we really struggle to know what that actually looks like, okay, so what does that pray question I think is our when I talk to people I find people falling off on two ends of the continuum. On the one side, how to build a relationship. You do the great event. So you have the vacation to end all vacations or you go to this wonderful activity in the afternoon or at take everybody out to dinner and the expectation is that because we did all of this really cool stuff together.

The cost an awful lot of money relationship just comes out of that. On the other end. Our people are like you don't know it just sort of does or doesn't happen.

There's not a whole lot you can do about it and go back to Scripture and you realize no relationships happen in these very mundane little moments of life. It's how you look at someone.

It's whether or not you greet them. It's how you create. That's what you say to them in conversation is just one of those things that throughout Scripture Genesis to Revelation.

God is very interested in helping us understand what of conversation looks like that actually has a prayer of building a relationship hits the doing chores.

It's driving the kids to school.

It's the daily mess of life. If were there and were there together relationship is forming in those moments it really is and I think it's that mundane this that is that harder for us as Americans and maybe some other people I don't know but doesn't feel all that exciting. Now your book is about how communication how it's essential to building and maintaining a strong relationship. In fact, you say that every conversation between parents and children, there's an implied question in that conversation. What's that question.

If I could back up.

Maybe even before then so in every conversation Mo sharing something of me. I'm always sharing what I value and what's important to me.

I can't not do that, out of the heart the mouth speaks. That's just coming out of that match right not even we aren't even aware of were not, and it comes out when we say things it comes out, and what we don't say, but all of our expressions physically. Whether that's verbal or otherwise. Always express what's most important to us. That's always true in a relationship. So when I'm talking to you all right now you're getting a sense of who I am as a person when I'm talking to my children. They get a sense of what I value in that expression of what I value. I'm also saying here's where your places and that here's how I see you image of God with eternal glory and someone to be respected and honored or chess piece on my board that I manipulate, but most communicating who I am. I'm always communicating how I see you in that world and therefore the question that you really asked is having experienced me this way. Would you like to have another conversation with me. There's always an implied invitation. Would you like more of me if this is what I am and that this is what I'm like, could we consider conversation tomorrow next year. 10 years from now or when you finally have enough autonomy. Are you gonna say you know thanks find it somewhere else. Yeah, I read that question in your book. I thought boy that is the question in all relationships really mean. It's like I you want to say your wife. You know, having experienced me as your husband you want to be married to me in the same thing. Obviously with our kids in there feeling the same thing toward us. It isn't just were communicating who we are.

Through our words, we are receiving who they are. This to their words and I know for me as a dad.

Often I'd be with them in the mundane but I'm not there yet.

I mean them physically in the car driving whatever, but my mind may be on work. I could literally be looking at my phone now I'm driving but you know islands with them thinking I'm not fully present.

Right now, and to have a relationship you can be fully present, not only expressing yourself through words that really discerning and listening to their words but talk a little bit more how do we know if the person especially our kids want to experience us the way we present ourselves. Is there feedback for that. That's a great question because what's the, the other with way of asking the question ugly way is what can I do to guarantee that my kids can want to come back after they go to college, I have to and the sad answer is there is no guarantee because they are an independent, autonomous human being. They have their own heart, and they have thrown if you said this with their own issues. I think the question more is how can I create a context in which they are more likely to want to interact with me. How can I speak in such a way that says I care about you.

I want to sacrifice myself for you. I don't want to browbeat you but I also won't allow that.

On the other end either.

How can we have a mutual respect and interaction. I remember a time in our marriage that ends up helping me be a better parent with this is a moment in our marriage where early in our marriage. I think our kids were toddlers. If that where Ian came to me and shared something in the kitchen to even knowing say Adonijah has no idea it was monumental in my life. She shared something with me in the kitchen and I sort of blew up and I have no idea what it was but I got angry and she looks at me and she goes you know what I'm just I can share things with you because that's the response as she walked away.

This is this Ewoks wagon. We talk about Jesus, to look back like exhibit a, you know, because I'd love even more long story short, it is a long story. I had an anger problem that I identified later.

Here's how it went down, I would. I met with the three guys I was an accountability group with two days later and I say guys let me ask you question of all the emotions you experience as a man which one you experience the most and I'm like, and they all look to me like we talk about emotions give me a Nike example and so I said well you know like sadness or joy or happiness or anger for all of the oh anger's number one and Eggo why you asking Isaac is answered to me yesterday that I experience anger and she experiences it. And she's I can bring things up because I just blow up. I think I better and again I did a study of anger and I realize I had displaced it was coming from other places, but I thought how many times our kids feel that this same thing they're experiencing from us is the parent ascent in a level of anger, a love of frustration or I don't know what it could be that they don't want to continue to be in our presence, because that's what we and that's what and was feeling if I hadn't attacked that and again a dingo in a day or month and went through. It took years to understand words that come from I always says I can extension cords like what's plugged into.

But as a parent. Boy oh boy, don't we need to know that's gonna come out in our parenting words that are can be graceful right you dig into that and looking at accounts are going and you know exactly how analyzing you.

It's all good for so when your kids are little, they don't have much of a choice you're physically larger than they are. You provide for all of their needs they don't have the access to other emotional connections that would be satisfying and so in that moment your it, but as they continue to experience that experience and experience and experience and experience, and then start to experience something else from someone else and they start to go wait, not everybody's just like mom, dad, whoever, and and as they mature and as they individuate and start to become able to make those decisions. They have the ability to actually physically leave your presence emotionally differentiate then they start to make those choices and I think we lay down a lot of context. This, not just anger. That's what American men are allowed were loudly angry were not allowed to be said were not allowed to be depressed to be scared week we can be angry and so a lot of our emotional reservoir comes out.

I think in anger, that it sounds like you're saying we need to be aware of the fact that we are either wooing or alienating our kids and how we interact with them and part of me is gone the way to sex. I'm the parent there's a kid, so I'm supposed to pander to their their desires and woo them and romance them and get them to want to come they should just do that because I'm the parent.

So if I want to be nasty. Then my response to that would be well then don't pursue them anymore than Christ pursues you move that's good lie like a just no one can see them smiling saying that those are the questions that go right to my heart because I often feel like that I take care of you. I provide the home. I have sacrifice of lay down I drive a an old car. I don't have that my son asked me one ties of daddy when we have a truck and I said because we have few I think actually said because you have kids and he let me go with what is like never know that you understand what you're saying.

This is always in the back of your mind and having conversations with your kids and which is amazing. You start out the book going toe to toe with one of your sons tell us about that take us back there because I'm reading this, like, oh where is this going to go and we been there. I think it's normal.

I think all of us are again, the young man standing in my living room decided he didn't really like what I was thinking or saying hello Lizzie I was big 12 or 13 when I got out early teens again.

At that point where feeling comfortable enough to rebuke or or pushback would probably be the better word and I don't like being challenged in my house.

I don't like being challenged when you're wearing my clothes fit. I wonder back because I think you would you not have the energy that all those sort of.

I you want anger I can match anger if you're not tolerant. I am yet, but in that moment the Holy Spirit is so helpful. The thoughts don't come because now I'm smarter and thing it it there's that little sense of be very careful with what you say next because you are at a point in this conversation were that will have bigger impact for longer than just the next half-hour yeah yeah nosebleed might be words you literally regret for for decades.

Yes when I hear that I think it's abiding in the spirit.

It's that one of the fruit of the spirit is self-control and sometimes were in a point where we do lose our self-control. So I love looking at him. One day she will hit our family room now and tell her story plenty of eyed as though I don't know what the boys were doing. Did you get sort. He's a little bit and she comes running as usual, you go right now you would be right here right now now now this is your taking the fattest kind and true being where I can even remember what was happening that they were getting very disrespectful in their tone and what they were saying. I should have been saying you want to go but I didn't mean to eat. I just meant deet. Let's go there. Let's count you want to go go there verbally is the first time I've ever lied to you, and we knew we never were no but we were emotional serving at the knife I cut you off on the phone I don't even remember now share but you know the point you're illustrating here is that words do have power yet own and and I don't know if your boys remember that moment, but I know that all of us can think back to things a mom or dad said to us when we were kids that never went away that are still there.

We can think back to things we've said that have left such an indelible impression in the hearts of our kids field. The old adage sticks and stones, broken bones, words will never hurt me you one ally words break.

This is where we drawing we've got to be walking in the spirit. We've got to be conscious of the power of our words and be very careful of the.

The idle word that can do so much damage so I was asked a question couple years back what you wish you had known about parenting before you got started. What are the things that are really significant. It was one of those questions makes you go any think about them walked away thought for a while. I wish I knew how important those small moments where I wish I had been smart enough to understand earlier how much you can hurt how much you can help in those small moments again.

II price fell off on that side of the big event. Kind of a person know those small moments are really where relationship is built and flourishes, or dies, that would be one the opposite side of that is I wish I had someone help me understand the grace of God and the resurrection of Christ means there's countless numbers of times to try again, and countless numbers of times to come back to your children say I am so sorry. Please forgive me to speak to the father and to say I cannot live in regret what I did, I did what his past is past an hour and after Russell to fall out but that is me. It's hopeless, there's still hope he rose from the dead. Therefore, nothing has to remain the same. Wish I knew those two things help how important those small moments are and how powerful the gospel really is.

What would you have done different in those small moments. I wouldn't of had to wait until my son was 12 or 13 to realize how important that conversation could be, or think about different child of ours.

I completely misunderstood Miss red this person. What was very helpful for one of their siblings was that their sibling needed me to be big the world is scary and needs to be big dads got this the same bigness for this other child was terrifying and I can figure this out for like four years and that is like a man.

My child is scared, terrified of me what my going to do and that was a okay one step at a time, dug the hole for four years.

By God's grace we have the opportunity now to make a different path and took another six years.

Is that what you mean by saying parenting doesn't work. It will lose his Bob use that term earlier and I thought boy that came right out your book. I'd never heard it said like that.

Are you explain yeah that goes back to a lady at a seminar who said okay I get that have not been gracious, but if I was more gracious at home then my parenting would work better than I thought, you're looking for a guarantee you're looking for. If I do A+ B that I always get see that's not the way a human being works you can offer people the opportunity of a relationship you can't force them to take it you don't have the key to someone else's heart. You can help them see that it would be attractive, that it would be beneficial that it be good for them. You have to pursue them.

But in that pursuit you're willing them. You're saying this is actually a better world for you want to try it. It's an invitation rather than a I will force you to have it and I found that I a better Wu were outside my home then in my home that here we go looking over their cities is looking at Emily talked about this many times I glad you walk in the church you walk out and you are you light it up and you can be very warm and inviting to people you walk in our home and you can shut down.

I think a lot and not woo your own children. A lot of lights can feel that about their husbands as dads and again not knowing you and you don't really know me, but I think pastors we have that public place where it's sort of the job and this is now the become since I get the offer to mentor a bunch of young guys and I've taken the back to first Timothy three, which lays out the publications for an elder and it would lose. Lupton said most of these are how you relate to your family.

You have to put your primary shepherding care into your family. That's the foundation from which you shepherd the rest and why do I know this because I said I did it backwards. I was much better to an early ministry than I was, to my wife at the time and had to realize while I'm a peacemaker by day and a war maker by night while that makes me a hypocrite, and that means something has to change so ministry doesn't end at 6 o'clock. It starts I remember talking to a well-known author and speaker national speaker one time and he said II will sometimes shock people when I say I want you to know ministry is number one with me. It's the top priority and they all kinda look at me like, don't you know that's the wrong answer like you're saying something heretical and then he said I will pause and I will say and my number one ministry is to my wife and my kids yes and all the sudden was kind like okay that makes sense. These are not two separate things. We are called to ministry and our first ministry is gotta be happening inside the home. In fact is you said if it's one thing out there and something else in here were not seen the real thing. It's hypocrisy things that you said no it's he said that parents should start by considering at the innermost basic who their children are so who are they talk about that a little bit and how do we discover who they are. This is one of those again strange places where they they come from our bodies generally or we adopt them into our homes. We provide everything for them.

We think their hours and they're not and that's always startling to people went when I say that when I do that first for the shock value their gods. First and foremost there on loan to us and if you start to think about who they are supposed to become okay so maybe there what 2530 35 years behind us that seems really significant if you're 50.

But if you actually believe your faith that you're not going to live 7080 90 years.

You can live 50,000 years. 35. Your head starts really nothing 50,000 years from now these are young people who are growing up to be your peers. In fact, you will have kids eat. You see places where they've surpassed you already didn't even take €50,000 live concert.

What are you doing you have the privilege of interacting with people offering them the opportunity to have a friendship with you if they so desire. Their potential future peers and when I think of them.

That way that changes the way that I actually interact with my kids there. Two things about that and I agree with you. One is we desperately want a relationship with them because parental love by God's design is so compelling and so powerful that it's one thing to say. You know if you'd like to have a relationship with me would be open to that. No, more like we want to be with you. Our hearts are knitted together so you you make it sound kinda calculating at the end that the other thing is I think there's part of a saying, and if we don't have that relationship. I lose some validation part of who I am is diminished. I need you to want to have that relationship with me, or else I've failed. I'm not who I'm supposed to be just talk about what's going on in us when we hold out this invitation. Desperate for them to say, of course, be with you. There is a depth of passion in our God to be with us. He had these pictures of him almost pulling his hair out in the in the minor prophets that I absolutely love Israel I can't stand that you been doing this I'm sending you way all my heart turns within me and I have to have you easily get this picture of someone yanking on his hair. There is that longing and desire in us, that does not begin to approach his longing and desire.

So think okay with inbounds. We should feel that passion but it's passion to have a relationship that's not a codependent relationship where I need you to like me so that I am a valid person right you never have the sense that God's going to be eternally unhappy because somebody has rejected him and we will now have the ability to ruin his his eternal future. He is in himself complete and satisfied.

It's not dependent on your response. He says I am passionate for this. If you reject it. I will be sad but I will be less than I will not be ruined and destroyed right there is something within the power of the community in the Trinity that is fully independent ethics good and to make our kids are idols, which can be easy to do that it's I'm just saying, especially from mom that we can find our light source through then and man were dissatisfied and were let down and so I think making sure God is King and the Lord even say he say parenting therefore means I invest in these fellow human beings, but I am not wrapping my world around them, nor am I trying to get them to wrap theirs around me. That's good and really hard in a fallen world right yes and I was just adamant we started here a few minutes ago. The value the relationship I underestimated when I was a young dad now an older dad with adult children who are married grandkids. I underestimated how much I would appreciate in value our relationship as men to men adult to adult. And so I would say to the young parent listening man parent with words of grace because you're building a relationship that's going to be one of the most special things in your life. 20 years from now you know that I can look at my sons when I have this perfect relationship, but there my friends then they challenge me man-to-man and I can challenge them, it's beautiful, and clear, then lost if you made big mistakes in the in the forming years and so I just a boy cherish it. Yeah, the book titles one conversation at a time in every conversation is is significant in the mundane ones the big ones they are building a relationship that you cherish the whole rest your life and I would add this day I think them fast conversation to that we can have is our relationship with our heavenly father.

Because that's where it starts when we understand his love for our role are how much he loves our kids how he carries our burdens, how he's there with us and for us and for kids that's that first conversation for me that starts at the beginning of the day of St. father, I need you please help me in being able to love my kids can see man, and say the things that you would say and see what is the model there is not a single one of us ran this table that had a perfect upbringing.

Again, we don't know all each other stories, but I know that and so how do we have a prayer of entering into our children's worlds, it's not because we were perfectly parented by human beings. It's that we have a perfect heavenly father who actively parents us right now. Nudging us is that pulling me up short in in in the living room whom we have a prayer because we have prayer we had a prayer because we have a relationship with God and as you said, am through us can flow to them. He is love. We experience it and then it flows out to others and we can learn how to do it better by reading books like the one you've written parenting with words of grace. We got copies of William Smith's book available in our family life today resource interview can order the book online@familylifetoa.com or call one 800 FL today to get a copy of William Smith's book again. It's called parenting with words of grace order online@familylifetoa.com or call one 800 FL today to get your copy and if you have not gotten together with other parents yet and gone through the art of parenting video series.

Think about the new year starting in January or February getting together virtually or distanced if we still need to be distancing. Probably will think about getting together in some way with other parents and going through the art of parenting. You can go online. The family left@a.com to find out how to get this eight session video series that's all about parenting find it online@familylife.com now as some of you heard David Robbins say that the beginning of today's program where hoping to hear from family life today listeners over the next few weeks. This is a critical time for us as a ministry were trying to take full advantage of a $2 million matching gift that's been made available to us. Your donations today will be matched dollar for dollar when you give and working to send you as a thank you gift a copy of my book. Love, like you mean it all about what the Bible has to say in first Corinthians 13 about building a stronger, healthier marriage relationship and will send you a a thumb drive a flash drive that has more than 100 family life today programs from the past 28 years the best of the best with MS and Barbara Rainey, Dave and Wilson guests talking about parenting about marriage book and the thumb drive are a thank you gift when you make a donation today and you can do that@familylifetoday.com or call one 800 FL today to donate. We appreciate you and we hope to hear from you now. Tomorrow we want to talk about how important it is for us to make sure we are communicating the biblical why behind our correction with our kids.

They need to understand not only that they're doing it wrong. But why God's way is the right talk about that with William Smith tomorrow.

Hope you can be with us for that. I want to thank our engineer today. Keith Lynch along with our entire broadcast production team on behalf of our hosts Dave and Wilson on Bob Lapine see you back next time for another edition of family life, family life today is a production of family life of Little Rock, Arkansas. Accrue ministry help for today hope for tomorrow